Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 9: understanding poster’s careers
More careers. I think there is something going on here where I feel good about myself by making fun of all the boring and/or better jobs out there than I have. More fodder for my future therapist, I guess. Of course, I really love my job, but it would be nice to make the kind of money all the overpaid morons out there are making. I’m going to get into some more esoteric things today, as well as some weird sub categories.
Day Trader. This person really wants you to think he is like a successful stockbroker, but the truth is much uglier. It is (usually) a guy who is unemployed but had $6-10,000 in the bank when he was laid off or fired. He spends all day in front of his computer losing about $100 a day on average basically playing Farmville online with real money. All they are really doing is giving the brokerages money for each transaction. The bad part is they always have some story about how they were up $1.8 million at one point, but somehow are mysteriously back down to $7254 again. The good part is if you are not sucked in when you see that they live in their parents basement you should (<–hopefully) be able to tell what kind of loser they really are.
Life coach. I don’t know if you see these in other parts of the country, but somehow I seem to run into one of these every six months or so. These are motivational speakers and people who tell other losers how to get their life in order. I always picture them sitting with their client and saying something like “OK, try breathing.” I haven’t dated any, as I have a hard time taking them seriously, but they are a bit of a conundrum to me. I can’t figure out how they actually make money, but somehow they always have enough for a nice dinner out and a decent car, but never enough for a house. They tend to be pretty positive, so if you want someone who can make you feel better about yourself both by giving you positive affirmations and by being slightly more pathetic than you or any of your friends, go for it. On the other hand, it seems their constant advice giving would wear on you after a while.
Midwife. This is a weird sub category of the medical field. These women (if you meet a male midwife call the police) are either failed nurses or uber New Age chicks who think giving birth in agony with no drugs in a bathtub is good for the kid. They are rarely seen in public outside of the local organic food collective (aka Trader Joes) or Lillith Fair, so online dating is often a resource they fall on to. They are usually about as hippy dippy as you can get, don’t drink but are very cool with pot, and if they don’t have kids themselves are painfully bitter about it and driven to have one before they have to resort to actual medical science to be able to procreate. Also, they are chock full of advice for any parents around them, so if you happen to be a single parent you can expect an extra special level of hell.
Business Annalist. This is the male Republican version of the midwife (I am sure there are female business annalists out there, but have yet to meet one). Their job is to coach companies into giving birth to younger, better versions of themselves that now need to be diapered every day. They tend to be extremely opinionated about pretty much everything, and feel no one likes them because they spend all day telling people they suck at their jobs. There are two types, really. The first is the guy who uses words like “synergy” all the time and tries to make the company use new technology and processes to be more efficient. He is kind of a bastard. The second is the guy who uses words like “cost/benefit analysis” and “headcount” and basically is brought in to fire as many people as possible without causing the company to collapse under the weight of unoccupied cubicles. He tends to be a complete and utter bastard. Either way they can be tough to date and are also subject to feast-or-famine personal finances as a reflection of whether they currently have a contract or not.
Receptionist. Sorry, the PC terms are Executive Assistant or Administrative Assistant. However, as the title evolves the job and personality does not. These people typically are 
surrounded by dozens of people with way more money and power than they have and are usually pretty bitter about it. Males in this job can really only do it for a few years before either finding something better or killing themselves. They tend to be a little ego bruised and skittish, like an abused chiwawa. Women can do it for the entirety of their lives. If young they tend to be pretty hot and are (generally) hoping to marry someone with serious coin, so if you are not rolling in dough don’t waste your time. The real problem with this girl for nerds is it is terribly easy to fall into the trap of hanging out at her desk all day “flirting” with her. This will either get you into trouble at work with your supervisor or turn into you being her slave as she has you replace the water cooler bottle, get her coffee, and run stuff down to the mail room. If they are middle aged or older they tend to be bitter but shockingly efficient. They often revel in the minor power that comes with being the gatekeeper to the boss, and the reception area is their kingdom. As for dating them, if they are young and you qualify financially they tend to be a lot of fun and often have very pleasant voices. If not then they can be OK to date, but you can expect her boss to be her real boyfriend and you will hear a lot of stories about how everyone else in the company is an idiot.
That’s it for today. More of the same tomorrow. I have some really good ones lined up.
As for yesterdays question, Steampunk Abe Lincoln versus Steampunk Palin, there is no question in my mind that Lincoln would prevail. Not only does he have a built in mini gun but he actually had a brain. He successfully ran for President. He would also attack her with the North. (Steampunk Abe image courtesy of the political t shirts category)
The next question seems obvious until you think about it for a while; who would win in a fight between a ninja and a football team worth of zombies?
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