Nerd Movie Reviews

Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 12: interpreting photos

Before I get into this blog, I would like to mention that last night I went to movie night at my friend’s house and we saw Machete.  I won’t bother to do a review, as it is both kind of old and amazing and doesn’t really need my input.  I will say, however, if you haven’t seen it do so as soon as possible and if you have and don’t like it than you must be some kind of soulless abomination.

Anyway, more dating advice.  By the way, a reader named Rachel commented on my last one on understanding posted careers and mentioned that incomes on personal listing are almost universally inflated by 30% for both men and women.  I guess everyone is a liar.

Let’s talk about photos.  Here’s the deal.  Everyone on this planet, no matter how repulsive or disfigured, owns at least one photo wherein the light was perfect, the camera angle dead on, the clothing and makeup to the maximum benefit, and the planets in the correct alignment to give them a really good looking photo.  Never, as a rule, trust a post that only has a single image.  Assuming it’s even the person’s actual photo, there is something remarkably suspicious about a single photo.

That being said, let’s look into the subtle (and less-than-subtle) clues that can be gleaned from the types of images used by posters.

Blurred image. In this day and age, we really have simplified photographic technology to the point where any idiot can shoot a clear shot.  Therefore, if someone posts a blurry image he or she is doing it for a very specific reason.  Usually this is not a weight issue, as the image has to be Hubble-blurry in order to hide someone’s gross obesity, but it could easily be a bad skin condition, wandering eye, missing teeth, missing ear, baldness, or any number of appearance issues real or imagined.  I’d say stay away from this one, as in my experience people who think they should hide their disfigurements rarely have the personality required to overcome them.  The ones who have that personality generally don’t hide it.

Head only. Massive body insecurities, most likely for a good reason.  This typically translates into kind of or really fat, but sometimes just some major self esteem issues.

Head Shot. This is where he or she went to a professional studio (often in a mall) and paid for head shots.  This breaks down into two kinds of people.  The first is a wannabe actor or actress and is probably reasonably hot, but a massive pain in the ass to date.  They have an overinflated sense of themselves coupled with frustration at having to hang with the unwashed masses, including you.  The second type is someone who is actually pretty unattractive but thinks they are stunningly hot.  They are also a major pain in the ass to deal with, especially if you ever make the mistake of introducing him or her to your friends.  As a matter of fact, just stay away from head shots.

Prom picture with date cut out. This is probably the only photo this person has where he or she is well dressed and groomed.  Also, they kind of still wish they were in high school.  I tend to find a lot of younger single moms post this one, so odds are reasonably good the baby daddy is in the missing part.

Picture that is obviously a couple with the other person cut out. This is really more of a girl thing than a guy thing.  The thing is, some kinds of women are really only happy when they are with their significant other, and therefore only really look good while with that person (or think they do) and therefore use old couple photos to show it.  This girl typically defines her existence around her relationship but then two years later feels bitter and angry because she doesn’t have a life outside of it.  She will most likely feel vaguely unhappy at all times.  Also, if you develop a relationship with her she will probably climb up your ass and set up base camp.

Picture with a dog (or dogs). For guys, this is either OK or kind of fake.  It’s OK if he has a dog he loves and hangs out with all the time.  He will probably be a decent guy to date and have a really good job.  It’s fake if he managed to get a picture with a random dog in the (more or less true) belief that being shown with a dog will make him more appealing to women.  Odds are he only wants to get laid and will lie extensively to do so.  99.99% of guys with dog shots will be with a big dog, like a German Sheppard or Chocolate Lab.  If you run into the .01% that shows a poodle or Dachshund make sure you are in the men-seeking-women section.  (Wiener dog image courtesy of the funny t shirt category).

For women it also breaks down into two categories, but it is pretty simple: big dog or purse dog.  If she is seen with one or two big dogs she is probably very independent and harbors a secret hatred of men (I know, I am being kind of a jerk here.  This is just my experience).  She will never admit it but suffers from some pretty serious self esteem issues and doubts her self worth (again, these are generalizations.  I am sure there are many, many exceptions out there and I am some kind of idiot).  On the other hand, if you can play through these issues she will probably make a great girlfriend and wife in the “we-are-partners” sort of way.  She also probably has a kick ass job so if you are looking to be a stay at home dad roll with it.  If, however, she is shown holding a dog that would probably lose in a fight against a hamster, especially if she is holding it’s face against hers in a super annoying closeup with a scrunchy full face smile, than I would bet a lot of money that she is EXTREMELY high maintenance.  You had better be able to cater to all her emotional, financial, and physical needs (and trust me, the list will be extensive).

That’s it for now.  More tomorrow as long as I don’t get crucified by some of my big dog owning women friends later on tonight (and yet, that would kind of prove my point).  As for my who-would-win question, Slimer from Ghostbusters verses Casper the Friendly Ghost, I think I am going to have to go with Slimer.  Sorry, Casper, but being friendly doesn’t get you much in a fight to the death (or whatever it is you do when you are already dead).

For today, more Star Trek.  Who would win: ego inflated hair pile Riker versus drunken Chief Engineer Scott?

Tags: funny t shirts, understanding personal photos