Nerd Movie Reviews

Movie Review: The Immortals 3D

This movie was actually shot in 3B.  3 beers and it looks pretty good.

Thank you Doug and Bob Mackenzie.  So I haven’t done a lot of reviews lately mainly because I was broke all last week.  On a completely unrelated note does anyone know how an amateur movie review can get free screenings from the studios or theaters?  If you happen to have a clue let me know.  However, yesterday was pay day and I celebrated by seeing the Immortals 3D, another Greek epic staring shirtless, chest hairless pretty boys and Mickey Roarke.

I can honestly say I wasn’t disappointed, mainly because I kind of expected it to suck.  Yes, I know it was produced by Mark Canton, the producer of the 300, but he also produced Red Planet, Piranha 3D, and Jack Frost.  Honestly, 300 is the only credit worth anything, and I didn’t see any other guys crossing over, so assuming lightning is going to strike twice for the same guy (without Frank Miller, by the way) is kind of like assuming you can remake the amazing tasting margarita you had last week when all you have is the ice.  The trailers made it look more like another Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief than the 300, which it more or less was.  The lack of an amazing, Frank Miller-esque story kind of turned all the rated R action into more of a joke than anything else (the only credit the writers have worth anything was the Royal Tenenbaums, but that doesn’t exactly scream epic battle movie).

(300 image courtesy of the movie t shirt category)

The movie was plague by issues.  For a story that drove straight ahead like a freight train, it was shockingly lacking a point.  The acting played out like a civil war in the Screen Actors Guild between the oppressive monotone Valium cartel and the plucky, scenery chewing over the top acting revolutionaries.  The CGI scenery and backdrops looked like they were all photocopied from the pages of Heavy Metal magazine (there’s a 70/80’s nerd reference), and the 3D effects were laughable and actually hurt the visuals.  Honestly, if you are going to make a 3D movie do us a favor and shoot it in 3D.  Don’t 3D it up in post and charge me more money for a souvenir pair of headache inducing glasses.

Anyway, the story.  I might go a little spoiler heavy here, so skip a couple paragraphs if that bothers you.  Micky Roarke plays King Hyperion, the evil king of some country who is bent on destroying the gods for the death of his family.  Ironically, in spite of the fact that he was supposed to be evil I found him to be the most appealing character, the one with the most development, and in the end the guy I was rooting for.  At least he had a motivation I could relate to.  He intends to do so by releasing the Titans, ancient enemy of the gods who are imprisoned in a BDSM cage.  How he assumes an old enemy the gods beat once are going to kill them the second time around is beyond me, as is the motivation for the gods to keep the Titans alive after defeating them.  Anyway, this is all foretold by the Virgin Oracle (Freida Pinto, the super hot veterinarian from Rise of the Planet of the Apes) and her three decoys.  Anyway, Hyperion is tearing ass across Greece and about to come to a village nestled cozily into the side of a massive cliff.  This is home of Thesius, the “hero” (played by Henry Caville, the next Superman in the upcoming Man of Steel where, is a shocking fit of originality, he goes toe to toe with General Zod).  For the rest of this review I shall refer to Thesius as Blandy McBlanderson (Blandy son of Bland), as his acting, notability, and screen presence could not only put you to sleep but possibly induce a coma.  He should have been a Navy Seal, as he so blends in with the scenery you completely forget he is on screen.

Anyway, Blandy is a bastard (literally) and lives in poverty with his mother in the cliff village.  I normally talk about dues ex machina when I see the hand of God pushing the plot along, but in this movie the gods not only do what they can to help but have speaking and action rolls.  Hyperion conquers the village, kills Blandys mother, and casts him into the salt mines or something.  Meanwhile there is some kind of subplot involving Lysander (Joseph Morgan, from the Vampire Diaries), who betrays the Greeks and joins Hyperion only to be rewarded by being castrated and having most of his face torn off.  It seems like there is something going to happen but then it just ends with no point.  Blandy goes to work carrying beams and, like all filthy slaves, is allowed to drink from a beautiful, crystal clear fountain right next to the very beautiful Virgin Oracle, who is Hyperions prisoner.  She is so valuable (she apparently knows where the magic bow that can release the Titans is located) that Hyperion assigns like three guys to watch her and the slaves in this one tower village.  Naturally, they all escape.  Greek battle hijinks ensues.  The good guys somehow survive a tar tsunami.  The Virgin Oracle gives it up to Blandy so fast it makes your eyes spin (as does the completely gratuitous nude scene.  Ever seen a bare ass closeup on a screen 40 feet tall?  Kind of weird, actually.  Pretty sure it was a body double).  Meanwhile her decoys suffer horribly.  The gods apparently have some rule against helping mortals (that doesn’t sound like Greek mythology to me.  Back then the gods were in mortals business like a nosy church lady living next door) that Zues enforces with lethal enthusiasm.  Apparently he posed as an old man and trained Blandy, but that doesn’t count.  The one thing he wants Blandy to do is keep the Titans from escaping, which Blandy fails miserably at.  Lots of “Immortals” die.  You spend the final simultaneous three fight scenes more or less rooting for both sides (Micky Roarke has a lot more appeal than Blandy, the Titans have been in serious bondage for thousands of year and the gods are complete jerks, and the Greek mortals are such non-entities that you couldn’t care less who won that fight).

Anyway, the stars.  Greek mythology movie.  One star.  Mickey Roarke.  One star.  The action was pretty good (could have used more of it IMO).  Two stars.  Super hot Frieda Pinto, and a nice nude scene.  One star.  The sneaking suspicion that had I been even a little drunk or stoned this movie would have seemed brilliant.  Two stars.  In spite of the lack of specific stars, the movie overall was at least sort of entertaining.  One star.  Total: seven stars.

The black holes.  Story without a point.  One black hole.  None of the characters made me feel any kind of connection or appeal except for Mickey Roarke, and he was supposed to be the bad guy.  One black hole.  Set design as done by a twelve year old.  One black hole  The CGI and 3D effects were actually kind of lame, and really hurt the action.  One black hole.  The gore was clearly fake, and kind of hurt the action.  I honestly think they could have done better with clay and fake blood.  One black hole.  Really, really, really, really dumb costume designs.  Seriously.  The people on screen were either wearing slave rags, armor, or hats that would embarrass a troupe of drag queens on LSD.  One black hole.  While I understand the need to have everything in English (although for some reason the four Oracle girls spoke Greek), no attempt was made to make the language or wording appropriate for the subject matter.  All the actors sounded like customers at the Beverly Center.  One black hole.  A bunch of “oh, duh” moments and the inspirational speech Blandy delivers to the Greeks toward the end had me laughing.  It was also pretty pointless.  One black hole.  Total: seven black holes.

So a perfect zero.  Not surprising based on how I felt leaving the film.  If your local theater is down the street from a bar and or you can down a sixer of Shiner Bock before heading into the movie you should really enjoy it.  If you ARE going to see it I would say go to a theater, as the battle scenes will get lost on a smaller screen.  However, don’t waste your money on the 3D.  Not a good date movie at all.  See it with your drunk friends.

Thanks for reading.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  My movie budget is nicely expanded this week, so I should get more in soon.  Talk to you later.

Dave

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