Nerd Movie Reviews

Lockout Movie Review

In space, no one can hear a mediocre movie.

Lockout is Luc Besson’s latest shlock epic.  It combines elements of watchability-good action, decent production values, an appealing main character, a camera-with elements that make you wish you were still seeing previews-a simplistic, derivative story (Die Hard in space), paper cut out characters with no development, a soundtrack that seems lifted from a mid 90’s FPS video game, a complete lack of understanding (or disregard) of how zero gravity physics work, and a flicker style editing process used to bandage up the holes in the story progression.  In a nutshell dumb but fun.

I know this paints me as a complete nerd, but let me talk a little about science.  The concepts I am about to go into are not really hard to understand and I would think one of the 36 member (thank you IMDB) primary cast and crew would know them.  First of all, if you are on a station in free fall and you and your hot love interest jump off, you do not immediately start falling faster down towards Earth.  The best you could hope for would be to accelerate horizontally away from the station.  I don’t want to get into the whole “artificial gravity” thing (another impossibility) but this is not hard to understand.  Also, if you do jump out in an EVA suit there is no way you are going to survive the re-entry burn.  (Pigs Fly image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category)

Another thing that drove me nuts is the realities of zero gravity combat.  Even today in the air combats are resolved from kilometers away.  In space, with nothing to slow down bullets or missiles, combat would be resolved at a distance of thousands of kilometers.  There is no way a bunch of “fighter” spacecraft would have to weave in and out of the spars of a space station (don’t get me started on the impossible physics of that actually happening,  Inertia is a bitch) in order to plant a magnetic nuclear mine to it.  Furthermore, what the hell is the deal with a magnetic nuclear mine?  Has no one on this team ever heard of a missile with a nuclear warhead?  Watch the scene and you will see how stupid it is.

Oh, also take a minute and wonder how many bullets and explosions can fly around a space station before there is a breach.  According to this movie it’s something like 1,000,000,000.

On the other hand the action is pretty good.  Decently done, although they did a lot of quick cuts to make up for the actors inability to perform physically (I think I am going to coin a term for that type of fight sequence editing.  From now on let’s call it “granular editing”).  Guy Pearce makes the character of Snow work by being sarcastically charming the entire time.  All the characters were horrifically one dimensional (Scooby Doo has more depth) but for the most part that one dimension was entertaining, especially the two bad guys.  The one thing they did that annoyed was they seemed to have cut out a lot of little 5-10 seconds scenes that kind of explain what is happening.  Maybe to keep within budget?  It’s like they took the granular editing system (see?  The term works) so many action movies are employing these days and extended it to the entire film.  Either that or the directors were easily bored with shooting the non-exciting stuff and blew it all off.

The story is simplistic and predictable. Guy Pearce (Momento, Hurt Locker, L.A. Confidential) is Snow, a renegade ex CIA operative who gets framed for the murder of another agent.  There is a briefcase with some ill defined evidence that might get him off, but for some reason he feels he needs to have his buddy Mace (what’s with the names in this film) hide the stuff while he goes off the space prison for 30 years.  Meanwhile, the President’s daughter (Maggie Grace-Taken, Lost, Night and Day) is working for her daddy inspecting the worlds first prison in space, which was apparently built with all the safeguards of a closet with a sticky door.  The prisoners all break out with the help of main baddy Hydell (Joseph Gilgun-Harry Brown, This is England, Emmerdale) and his brother Alex (Vincent Regan-300, Clash of the Titans, Troy).  There seems to be some kind of attempt at a police negotiation that goes no where.  Snow is sent on board to rescue the girl and has his own agenda as well (his buddy Mace is on board and opted to rot in suspended animation forever rather than give up the location of the suitcase with something(?) inside it).  Guns get shot.  Bad guys act bad.  Good guys act good.  Maggie Grace manages to avoid showing any skin above her neck or below her long sleeve arm holes.

The stars.  Guy Pearce was entertaining.  One star.  So was Joseph Gilgun.  One star.  Action was entertaining in a brainless sort of way.  One star.  While the story was dumb on a genetic level the dialog was decent.  One star.  Decent special effects given the budget limitations.  One star.  Total: five stars.

The black holes.  Complete and utter disregard of fairly simple scientific concepts.  One black hole.  The space dog fight, and the freaking nuclear limpet mine (with 30 second digital counter on the outside).  One black hole.  A space prison with absolutely no prison safety features.  Have you ever considered some kind of remote control in case the prisoners do something unprecedented like take it over?  Or putting a “lock” on the control room door?  One black hole.  Not even an attempt at character development, with most of them so flat you could get a paper cut picking them up.  One black hole.  The editiing out of some key items that might have made things a little easier.  One black hole.  Total: five black holes.

A straight zero, which is about what I expected.  This movie is both better and worse than the trailers make out out to be.  If you are looking for dumb, dumb entertainment then look no further.  Shut down your higher brain functions and enjoy.  If you have an issue with pre Newtonian physics and want characters to be more than mannequins from which to hang bullets off of, maybe you should give it a pass.  It’s not Taken or the Professional.  Date movie?  Probably not.  Big screen?  Meh.  Maybe, but most of it was shot inside corridors so I think a home viewing experience would be OK.

Nothing to see tonight, I think.  Also I am moving into a new office and have a lot of work to do.  I’ll think of something for tomorrow.  Follow me on Twitter or email me with questions and suggestions at [email protected].  Feel free to post comments here on this review or movie.  Have a good day.

Dave

 

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