Turbo Movie Review
Sigh…
This may come as something of a surprise to any regular reader but the fact is in spite of my incessant bitching about the sewage outflow that passes for Hollywood mainstream movies I am a fan of film. Movies are my escape from reality into worlds of wonder and excitement. I love theaters, and find the whole cinema experience magical. I even love popcorn.
Even bad movies have their place in my heart. A bad film gives me perspective, and occasionally takes the audience in a hilarious new direction that the writer and director never saw coming. Those films are the crown jewel of bad films, but even the mediocrely bad films can at least claim Bedazzler rhinestone status.
The point is it’s extremely rare that I come across a film that for all its merits or detractions feels like a complete waste of my time. Unfortunately Turbo has fallen onto that rare precipice. It is hard to put my finger on what makes it feel so worthless, but that is the ethereal nature of such films. 
It is easy to pick out the details that make a great film great or a bad film bad, but when faced with a truly worthless film it seems like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal is the rule of the day (Heisenberg image courtesy of the Funny T-Shirt category).
This film tanked as hard as a film can and is causing the bookkeepers at Dreamworks a huge number of problems (such as their printers can’t print pink slips fast enough). If anyone at Dreamworks is still puzzled by that failure in spite of a massive marketing campaign I have a few thoughts that may help solve the mystery:
1. The movie is about a SNAIL THAT WINS THE INDY 500! The tragic assumptions made here is that kids really are that stupid. Kids are inexperienced and ignorant, but for the most part they tend to be pretty quick on things they understand. The idea that snails are slow and race cars are fast is a concept absorbed by kids by kindergarten age. Thinking back to my own childhood (chronologically a long time ago, but mentally shorter than most of my acquaintances would assume) I really think presented with a movie concept like that I would find it pretty stupid. I see this as a sign of secret contempt for the audience on the part of the studio.
2. The main character is a SNAIL! Look, I know the Little Mermaid opened the door for invertebrate cartoon characters, but every kid knows that snails are gross slugs with shells and leave icky trails where ever they go. As a kid I can remember going outside after a rain storm and almost throwing up after accidentally stepping on a snail. I honestly can’t think of a worse kids character than a gastropod, unless they wanted to do a film about a cute, cuddly family of parasitic worms (and honestly I think I would by one of those plushy’s for my kid before a snail).
3. Kind of tying into the last point, when a kid sees a movie he or she wants to be one of the main characters. Girls want to be Ariel and boys want to be Woody or Buzz Lightyear. If there is a kid out there who dreams of being a snail I foresee major self esteem issues in his or her future.
4. All those issues that I just listed go tenfold for the parents who have to sit through this dross. Creators of kids film sometimes forget that there are adults who are forced to watch these films with the kids and if the film is painfully stupid or gross then they are very likely to just bust out a Incredibles DVD and call it an afternoon.
I am going to stop harping on Ryan Reynolds. Two bombs back to back is tough for anyone to take, and even I get tired of clubbing baby seals after a while. Honestly there is very little you can do to hold a voice over actor responsible for a films performance. Either they are truly brilliant (Mark Hamill) or at least average. Unless he or she has some kind of speech impediment there isn’t much you can do to screw up. I keep waiting for Ryan to do something amazing to help make up for the Green Lantern, but instead I think I am just going to stop out of pity.
On the other hand with his looks and fame he can probably score with more hot chicks in a week than I will in my lifetime, and he still has a ton of money (broke again this week. Top Ramen city for me!). Suck it Ryan Reynolds!
The story. Turbo (Ryan Reynolds-R.I.P.D., Safe House, the Change Up) is a garden snail who dreams of going fast. He got the idea by watching footage of Indy racer Guy Gagne (Bill Hader-Superbad, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Forgetting Sarah Marshall) on a TV in the garage next door. His brother Chet (Paul Giamatti-Saving Private Ryan, Rock of Ages, the Ides of March) advises him to keep on working in the humble tomato factory but his dreams power him on. He falls into an intake manifold and he gets injected with nitrous oxide, making him glow blue and be super fast (as well as develop a radio, headlights, backup lights, and other car paraphernalia). He gets caught by local Mexican stereotype Tito (Michael Pena-End of Watch, Shooter, 30 Minutes or Less) and entered into the snail races. He discovers his power and wins big.
Meanwhile Tito’s brother Angelo (Luis Guzman-Carlito’s Way, Boogie Nights, the Last Stand) has a taco stand (really?) that is in dire need of more customers. Tito comes up with the idea of entering Turbo into the Indy 500 based on the tried and true principal that if something is not specifically outlawed than it must be legal (for the record, the rules for vehicles entered into F1 competitions are extremely specific and exacting. Also just because something is not illegal does not make it allowed. I doubt there is a specific rule against having sex with a train car coupling but I really wouldn’t want to explain that to a judge). He cajoles the rest of the stereotypes in the crappy strip mall his brother shares into coming up with the entry fee.
Honestly, if you have a brain you know how this goes. Gagne turns out to be a secret jerk. Turbo enters the race. I am not going to spoil the film by giving away the ending but if you thought it might be interesting to see a film that highlights the concepts of a noble effort that still fails a la Rocky or the Bad News Bears prepare to be disappointed.
I don’t do stars and black holes for kids movies but instead judge it by the kids in the audience. Unfortunately the theater I saw it in was kind of a ghost town with not a kid in sight so I am going to have to channel my inner child and say that I thought the film was visually stimulating enough for a toddler but otherwise too dumb for anyone old enough to speak in sentences. A kid might enjoy this film but it will not stand out as a cherished childhood memory. Parents bringing kids to this film should pack extra gauze for when their brains start dribbling out their ears.
Thanks for reading. I’m headed to Las Vegas Tuesday morning and while out there will try to see and review Elysium, but really won’t have a lot of time. If you are going to the Las Vegas Star Trek Convention please stop by my t-shirt booth and say hi (6’5″, dark hair, goatee, strong dislike of the JJ Abrams Trek films). If you don’t feel like telling me what kind of an idiot I am to my face feel free to post comments here regarding this film or my review. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected], and you can always follow me on Twitter for the 2-4 Tweets I do per week (I suck at social media). Talk to you soon.
Dave
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