Escape Plan Movie Review
If the plan was to make a halfway decent action movie I guess it succeeded.
I actually saw this almost a week ago and haven’t gotten around to writing it up. I’m not sure why I have been less than motivated. I guess because this film is neither brilliant or bad. Middle of the road is dead boring for me to write up.
This film tanked horrible at the box office, a fact that does not bode well for the action careers of either Stallone or Governor Schwarzenegger (both of whom had other action films flop recently; most notably Bullet to the Head for Sly and the Last Stand for the Gov). While none of the recent crop of action films are worthy of winning an award of some kind (unless the NRA is giving out awards for ammo expenditure) none of them could be considered really horrible (except for A Good Day to Die Hard, but that should go without saying), thus leaving us with the question as to why all our classic action heroes are failing.
Honestly, I think it’s a change in the nature of the audience. If you look at what is popular in TV, movie, and music male stars it is no longer muscled burly manly men but rather girls who happen to have been born with a penis. Sure they might have the chiseled abs of a Greek statue but when you get up close they are just girly men who are in really good shape. Most of them look like you could knock them unconscious with a feather duster. The guys who actually look like men are relegated to the level of villain (and even most of those guys are girlish).
This bodes ill for the future of the action movie genre in my opinion. Can you name a new action hero worth anything in the last few years? The most recent new guy would have to be Jason Stratham, but even his films like Parker are sucking bad. Guns, guts, and brawn are no longer enough to make for box office success. You need fit, non threatening man/boys who girls can identify with.
The other issue with the new “breed” of action hero is most of them will never be capable of creating a legacy. Say what you will about Bruce Lee, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, or any of the others but at the end of the day they each could kick your ass seven ways to Sunday. Not only do they look dangerous, but you know they are dangerous. I suppose there is some hope derived from Dwayne Johnson, but if he keeps doing kid friendly comedies the genre is doomed. (Expendables image courtesy of the movie t-shirt category)
By the way, Stallone must have a thing for prison escape films. As far as I can tell this is the third film wherein he escapes from a maximum security prison. The other two I can think of are Lockup and Tango and Cash (eww. You made me think of Tango and Cash. Thanks a lot, Escape Plan). Also didn’t Schwarzenegger start off the Running Man buy escaping from a prison?
I’m not going to say this film is all that. In fact, if I were to dissect it with my usual cruel precision I could find any number of dumb issued to take up with it. However, you don’t got to SDSU for a quality education and you don’t go to Chuck E. Cheese’s to buy crystal meth, although you may find either by coincidence if you are lucky or unlucky. You go to an action movie to see action, and if by happy coincidence a quality movie lands in your lap happy day!
The story starts out with Ray Breslin (Sylvester Stallone-Rocky, Rambo, Copland) in prison effecting a masterful breakout. Turns out he is a security expert hired by the prison system to make sure prisons are escape proof. He is aided by his partner Lester (Vincent D’Onofrio-Full Metal Jacket(Gomer Pyle!), Ed Wood, the Cell), his tech sidekick (50 Cent-Real Steel, the Hangover, White Chicks) and kinda hot girl Abagail (Amy Ryan-Before the Devil Knows You are Dead, Win Win, Gone Baby Gone). He breaks out of prison only to be hired by a CIA lawyer to test out a brand new top secret prison.
Once inside the prison he discovers it to be unlike any other he has ever seen. They are in giant glass cubes with jackbooted, masked guards. There he meets Emil Rottmeyer (Arnold Schwarzenegger-the Terminator, Predator, Kindergarten Cop) and warden Hobbes (Jim Caviezel-the Thin Red Line, Person of Interest, the Count of Monte Cristo). This is his first sign that something is wrong as the warden was supposed to be someone else.
For some reason the people who hired him want him to not get out ever (this at first seemed to be a major plot hole but later resolved itself nicely). Emil befriends him and starts working on his escape plan. At that point you know all you need to know about the story, except that the entire plot relies entirely on a series of fortuitous coincidences that would embarrass a Harry Potter novel. Deus ex machina-ago-go.
The stars.
Natch I have to give a star each for Stallone and the Terminator. No matter how bad a film may be they always put a happy smile on my face. Two stars. The story, while far fetched, was a little more complicated than the typical action film these days. One star. As I sit here thinking about it I realize it was kind of original, something I thought was verboten in Hollywood these days. One star. I actually enjoy any escape plan movie (or high tech burglary movie, for that matter). One star. At the end of the film I decided I had had fun (to my surprise). Two stars. Total: seven stars.
The black holes.
The biggest anchor on this film is the respective egos of both of the two stars. Neither one of them is willing to be anything less than the coolest, most actiony action star on the screen and it gets a little ridiculous after a while. Two black holes. The whole plot could have fallen apart if it weren’t for the writer holding it up with coincidence after coincidence like a father running along side a kid trying to learn to ride a bicycle. One black hole. For a movie that started off as kind of a thinker it shifts gears in the last 20 minutes into a dumb shooter with Arnold mowing down dozens of bad guys who can’t hit the broad side of a barn from inside the barn. It actually gets kind of comedic. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of three stars. Meh. I was also kinder with the black holes than I could have been. It’s not awesome, but it’s not awful. If you like action movies that star guys who look like they have a Y chromosome you will probably enjoy it. If guys like Justin Bieber and Taylor Lautner are your idea of the perfect male specimen than odds are give it a pass. Due to the fact that most of this film takes place in fairly tight spaces you could probably watch it at home and not miss much. Date movie? Another meh. Bathroom break? Nothing jumps out at me. About halfway through there is a scene where Arnold is babbling in German than could be missed.
Thanks for reading. I’m seeing something tonight and will write it up tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu for the three times a week I tweet something (I secretly hate social media). Feel free to post here if you have a thought on this film or my review, or email me at [email protected] if you have an off topic question or suggestion. Thanks again and have a great night.
Dave
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