That Awkward Moment Review
A chick flick with an all chick cast. Reports of a possible Y chromosome were greatly exaggerated.
Regular readers of my blog will know that I often times use it to bitch about my dating life and lament the difficulties encountered while wooing the fairer sex but honestly I don’t often reflect on the issues faced by single women swimming in the dating pool. This movie completely changed that for me because if the the three Manpons that are the main characters in this film are the barometer of what a hot, eligible single guy is then you girls are in a dating hell I can’t even begin to imagine, and the sad part is I suspect most of you don’t even realize it.
Image courtesy of the That Awkward Moment Official Site
I know I am still developmentally disadvantaged when it comes to being attractive to women but I could write a PhD thesis on all other things manly. I’m not talking about killing bears with a sharpened stick (gave that up years ago) and excreting testosterone through my sweat glands at the gym but rather things like comportment, civility, honor, and honesty. I know how a man should act and these guys act like horny catty jr. high school girls.
This is one of those rare films wherein the director seems to be testing the audience to see how much he can make us hate each and every character in it. The “male” characters feel like they were written by women on a lost Amazonian island who had never met a man but only had them described by a visiting cabal of lesbians and ex strippers. The female characters all have the word “doormat” branded into their foreheads and seem ready to forgive any sin as long as it is committed by a guy as hot as Zac Efron. It is a study in caricatures that would embarrass Mad Magazine and I think I can save you all a lot more reading by summing it up with one statement:
“The best part? Seeing Miles Teller (or his stuntman, but one can dream) getting hit by a car. The worst part? The entire rest of the movie.”
To be fair this is one of those films that is going to roast on the BBQ of hate fueled by my own dating bitterness but honestly I think if I were as good looking and successful with the ladies as Zac Efron I would still see this as a crap movie. I’m kind of perplexed as to whom this movie is being marketed to. Guys will hate it because the three characters have about as much to do with maleness as a hot dog eating contest has to do with balanced nutrition and women will hate it because the three main characters are so reprehensible that they should have been stuffed in a sack and dropped in the river like a bunch of unwanted kittens (except I would never in a million years hurt a kitten). They are every woman’s worst dating nightmare and 10 minutes of regret and redemption at the end of the film does not make up for the fact that you just spent the previous 84 minutes wishing this was the intro of Contagion and all of them (and the supporting characters) were destined to die a horrible twitching death.
In looking over his filmography I suppose it’s fair to say I have not be kind to Zac Efron’s career but for Heaven’s sake throw me a fricken’ bone here dude! New Years Day? The Lorax? The only thing on it that looks remotely more pleasant than replacing your contact lenses with little circles of sandpaper are a couple of episodes of Robot Chicken. I honestly believe you capable of being a decent actor. How about finding a script that can prove it?
Before I get into the meat of this review I want to make one more observation. The writer/director of this flick has not a single writing or directing credit to his name prior. How exactly did he get the studio to give him a budget? He has one producer credit for Movie 43 but that’s it. IMDB empty. I’m honestly curious. I have no directing credits but have written hundreds of reviews. Can I get a job as a writer and/or director? If all you need is this dross I can type out stream of consciousness for a couple hours and film good looking guys who need a shave getting laid in situations that porn movie directors would think too ridiculous to use.
I know the story recap is going to bug the crap out of me so I’m going to do it Speedy Gonzales style. If you really need a recap read the first 15 articles you find from Penthouse Forum but stop before you get to anything remotely good or interesting. Two sexual predators and a wimpy loser are best friends from college. Jason (Zac Efron-the Lorax, the Lucky One, New Years Eve) and Daniel (Miles Teller-Footloose, Project X, 21 and Over) are artists who design women’s book covers and go out every night looking for cheap sex. The loser Mikey (Michael B. Jordan-Fruitvale Station, Chronicle, Hard Ball) is an ER doctor who’s super hot wife Vera (Jessica Lucas-Cloverfield, She’s the Man, Evil Dead) is sleeping with another guy and wants a divorce. The three of them swear to remain single together (apparently forever. No time limit was discussed).
They go trolling for chicks and Jason meets and hooks up with Ellie (Imogen Poots-V for Vendetta, 28 Weeks Later, Fright Night). In a situation that would seem ridiculous in a French sex comedy he comes to the conclusion that she is secretly a hooker and is about to charge him for the sex and bails out. That day he finds out she works for the publisher of the book he is about to do the cover for and specifically not a hooker. He charms her with his wit and looks and they start going out, although for the sake of his oath he has to pretend they are not dating.
Meanwhile Daniel has abandoned his usual plan known as “lying to chicks to get laid” and begins hooking up with his good friend Chelsea (Mackenzie Davis-Breathe In, the F Word, Smashed) but also in the interest of their dumb oath hides the fact from the other two wastes of oxygen. She is apparently a super enabler with the self esteem of a high school cheerleader and is totally cool that he is a complete scuz.
Mikey is taking his divorce hard and tries to work things out with Vera to the point of sleeping with her again but again due to the oath can’t say anything to his compadres and therefore tells them all he is sleeping with random floozies, a statement they treat with the relish one would normally reserve for someone announcing that they had cured cancer.
At that point it’s pretty much Sex in the City with penises (maybe). Jason and Daniel treat their women with the respect of a used tissue and Mikey treats the woman who betrayed his trust and slept around on him like his queen. Jason does some romantic stuff but screws up when he fails to show up at Ellies fathers funeral in fear that she will think there is more going on than is really going on (as a note to the writer of this flesh eating virus I and any human with a soul would go to the funeral of a parent of anyone I considered a friend, much less shared DNA with. It’s moments like this that really drive home the hate nails in the coffin that is this review).
In the last 10 minutes (um, spoiler alert I guess, but if you really want to see this and be “surprised” by how it ends let me know how life is in the suck dimension) everyone reverses themselves. Daniel opts to become a committed boyfriend, Mikey decides that his life actually is better as a man slut who sleeps with a roster of women, and Jason makes himself uncomfortable for a couple hours to prove to Ellie that he can be committed or something. The fact that all three of these douches reverses themselves and ends up on opposites sides of good guy/man whore debate once again completely proves that this film has no message or meaning and invalidates any concept you might have had that there was something to be gained by having watched it.
The stars.
There is a moment where Miles Teller gets hit by a taxi cab Joe Black style that was very amusing and a much needed relief from the pressure of my impending aneurism. One star. All the women were hot (at least in the face. More on that later) and in particular I would like to invite Jessica Lucas to be my wife or at least spend the weekend chained to my radiator. One star. Umm. That’s pretty much it. If I thought the film had more value I would find stuff like “It was filmed in full Technicolor!” but obviously I am not feeling that generous. Two stars total.
The black holes.
You will hate every one of these characters, man or woman, with the passion you have for the man who killed your entire family, stole your parking space, or has torn the labels off all your mattresses. Most movies try to make at least one of the characters sympathetic in order for the audience to connect with him or her but obviously this director thinks audience connection is for amateurs. Two black holes. The “comedy” in the rom-com was stilted, hackneyed, and recycled cliches that had very little humor. 
Penis jokes aplenty (most of which make this wiener dog shirt look Shakespearean in comparison. Image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category). Two black holes. The romance in the rom-com felt like it was written by a team of 13 year old boys and 8 year old girls. A little surreal to be honest. One black hole. Because this film had three separate stories no one really felt like the real one and consequently this film had no real beginning, middle, or end. It just bumbled from situation to situation like a bulimic at a buffet with restrooms on every wall. One black hole. It’s got to be bad for me to even notice but the soundtrack and background music literally sounded like it was lifted from 90’s porn. One black hole. If you are male this film will cause your testicles to shrink and be reabsorbed into your body. One black hole. If you are female this film will reinforce every negative stereotype you have about men and in the end make you much more difficult to date, a disaster I put up there with the Hindenburg and Titanic in gravity. If there is one thing I don’t need it’s something making women harder to date. One black hole. Rated R for content and some brief male nudity is the biggest waste of film ever. Dude, dinosaurs had to die to make that film. If you are going to get an R rating because your characters talk about their dicks all day it’s OK to drop the occasional F bomb and maybe show a boob or (dare I dream it?) two. One black hole. In the end a dreary, witless waste of time desperately in need of a fast forward button. Pointless. Two black holes. Total: twelve black holes.
A grand score of 10 black holes. A crap score for a crap movie, yet not bad enough to knock the Legend of Hercules off it’s worst film of the year so far throne. Is there anything worth seeing here? No, not really unless Zac Efron really turns you on and you dream of one day seeing him planking naked penis down on a toilet with a Viagra overdoes (I seriously wish I were joking by the way). YouTube the clip of Miles Teller getting hit by the car and you literally have no reason to see this film entirely. It’s a chick flick that honestly I think chicks will hate. Date movie? Only if this is the last movie on the planet. Even then consider watching the sun set (someone once told me that’s romantic but I’m not sure I believe them) or your clock second hand tick by. Bathroom break? Your options are limitless.
Thanks for reading. I did finally see the Dallas Buyers Club and will probably write it up tomorrow. It will contrast this film in every way if only because it was watchable. Please follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment on this film post them here and off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Thanks and have a great day.
Dave
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