Blended Movie Review
You’ll want to stick your head in a blender after this one.
I like to think of myself as an everyman when it comes to movie reviews. I mean, sure I’m probably smarter and better looking than most of you (or at least so my mother keeps telling me. I just wish single women of appropriate dating age would figure that out) but grew up poor working class and get a real kick out of most low brow humor. My father was the king of the fart jokes (you main glean some insight into the origin of my own sense of humor there). I nearly hurt myself laughing when I saw the first Jackass movie and am willing to see any Shemp- or Curly Joe-less Three Stooges. In my mind there is no better Friday night than drinking beer and doing donuts in the parking lot of the local bowling alley while my friends shoot guns into the air.
Well, maybe not that last part. But the point is when I review a film I find I tend to be more in line with the average American movie goer than some other reviewers. However, when God was handing out senses of humor I got shorted in my ability to enjoy Adam Sandler’s current style of movie humor. It’s weird. I sat in the theater alternately groaning and holding my breath in hopes of passing out into a restful coma while the rest of the theater was laughing their collective asses off.
This movie was pretty mediocre. However it was not as bad as the last Sandler joint I reviewed, Jack and Jill. This film didn’t have me praying for an asteroid to destroy the earth to save future generations the pain and embarrassment of having to see what we were up to in the early teen years. In fact, I hardly prayed for death at all (great sound bite, in case the producers of this film are looking for something for the Blue Ray box art. “I hardly prayed for death at all!” -theNerdBlog). There were some funny moments and there is no denying the humorous chemistry that Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore enjoy. This film actually found a tone and maintained it. Unfortunately the good elements were mixed in (blended, almost) with dumb humor, horrible stereotypes, fake settings, bad cliches, uncomfortable situations, and metronomic predictability into a sewage runoff like mixture.
By the way, that blended joke I just made pretty much comes from the movie itself. The overuse of “blended”, “blending”, and “blend” is applied with stomach turning regularity. It’s like the movie wanted to constantly remind us of how stupid it is. I actually found myself fantasizing about a blend of my own. Specifically I spent most of the movie wishing they had blended this film with another movie set in Africa: the Ghost and the Darkness. An attack by two man eating lions on pretty much anyone and everyone in this story would have enhanced my viewing experience immensely (well, maybe not the youngest girl. She was amusing).
So I can only assume this film is Sandler’s ploy to win the Misogynist of the Year award (the Missy!). If I were playing Bad Female Stereotype Bingo I would have won in the first ten minutes and filled my card entirely in an hour. I literally can’t think of a bad female straight stereotype that wasn’t portrayed in this film. The menstruation jokes flowed thick and fast (yes, I know. I suck for that one but couldn’t resist. At least I know when I deserve a quick kick to the balls) as did the vagina references. I certainly hope you don’t think it inappropriate for those jokes and references to be delivered by a 6 year old because the movie clearly doesn’t.
They also pulled out the old trope of the super hot girl with a bad haircut that everyone thinks is ugly until someone takes her for a makeover. (Ring! Ring! Who’s that? 1983? You want your plot device back?) I suppose that is OK if you want to show your daughters how important looking hot is for attracting metrosexual “males” is. Looks over substance, right?
All that aside it wasn’t completely irredeemable. They set out to show the struggle of two families and the trials and tribulations of single parents and for the most part were successful. There were some funny moments (so rare in most Adam Sandler pictures!) and I didn’t hate any of the main characters. The kids were for the most part cool and believable. If you are being forced to watch something you will find a few moments that warrant the opening of your eye holes.
The story is about as predicable as possible without having the audience read the script prior to the movie starting. Jim (Adam Sandler-Punch Drunk Love, Grown Ups, Happy Gilmore) and Lauren (Drew Barrymore-Fever Pitch, Big Miracle, Donny Darko) are on the worst blind date ever (and I would know) at Hooters. Jim is distracted by the game and seems way to comfortable with the Hooters girls while Lauren can’t keep from spewing food all over the place. Jim pulls the fake phone call parachute cord and bails out.
Lauren goes home to her business partner Jen (Wendi McLendon-Covey-the Single Moms Club, Bridesmaids, What to Expect When You Are Expecting) and her two spasmic boys Brendan (Braxton Beckham-NCIS, iCarly) and Tyler (Kyle Red Silverstein-Lift, Family Karma, Gabe the Cupid Dog (kid actor filmographies are always good for a chuckle)). She is divorced from her cheating husband and absentee dad Mark (Joel McHale-Spider-Man 2, What’s Your Number, Ted).
Jim goes home to his three girls: Hillary (Belle Thorne-Frenemies, Forget Me Not, Shake it Up!), a tom boy with bad hair who secretly looks like a super model; Espn (Emma Fuhrmann-Are We Listening, the Fandango Sisters, the Magic of Belle Isle), a weird girl who was literally named by her sports addicted father after ESPN; and Lou (Alyvia Alyn Lind-Dark Skies, NCIS, the Young and the Restless), the super cute funny one. Jim clearly wishes he had boys instead of girls and pretty much raises them with boys names (Hillary is Larry). Larry is the sports girl who secretly wishes she were more feminine, Espn has her dead mother around as an imaginary friend, and Lou is pretty much the comic relief of the film (from some of the comedy you will want relief).
So Jen is dating Jim’s boss Dick (as in Dicks Sporting Goods. If you ever worked in the sporting good industry you would find that hilarious) but finds out he has five kids and dumps him just before he was going to take them on an amazing African trip. Jim and Lauren each buy up part of the vacation package and end up together.
If you have ever seen any movie in your life I’m sure you can figure out the rest. The two families start off hating each other but because it’s a package vacation have to do things together. Over time they start to like each other. Larry meets Jake (Zak Henri-Teacher of the Year, Bunheads) and Lauren takes her for a makeover so she can attract him. 
We are treated to a scene of rhinos having sex (if you didn’t see big CGI animals doing it coming in this film you must be painfully stupid. Rhino image courtesy of the Funny T-Shirt category). Jim helps Lauren’s two boys not be such wusses and Lauren helps the three girls be more girly. If you are hoping for an ending with more artistic merit and angst than “they fell in love and lived happily ever after” odds are you should just push on.
The stars:
There is definitely good timing and chemistry between Drew and Adam. One star. In general well acted, especially the kids. One star. Some surprisingly funny moments, and by surprisingly I mean I was surprised that there were funny moments. One star. The film set out to show the difficulties of single parents and doesn’t veer too far out of the way. One star. For the first time in a long time I actually bought Adam Sandler’s character and found myself liking him (I know. I am as shocked as you). He’s kind of a likeable dude. One star. I normally don’t give stars for “at least it wasn’t as bad as the last one” but at least it wasn’t as bad as the last one. Honestly, 117 minutes of a test pattern would have been better than Jack and Jill, so really this one is miles above it. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes:
As predicable as saying eating a giant wasabi ball is going to burn again in a few hours. One black hole. If you feel like movies need to do something to help eliminate negative stereotypes of women prepare to meet your personal anti-Christ. One black hole. A lot of the humor was very juvenile, and seeing Adam Sandler making menstruation and vagina jokes makes me feel ashamed of my Y chromosome (not for the first time in my life might I add). One black hole. There were two running jokes that made me want to gouge out my ear canals with a sharpened ice cream scoop: the constant “blended” crap and the acapella singing group that followed the cast around and forced the audience out of the theater every ten minutes (note-most of the songs they sang were about blending so it was double hell). Each of them were sort of funny the first time and 10 times less funny every time after that. One black hole. I don’t know what kind of vacation resort they went to but it felt like a really fake 5 star hotel run by the Aqua Teen Hunger Force. One black hole. The whole “hot girl looks bad until she gets a good haircut” was stupid the first time they did it. Sorry but you are not going to mistake a hot girl like Belle Thorne as a dude unless she has grown a beard. One black hole. The movie did its best to stay in reality and then in the last 20 minutes opted to get silly. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
So a total of one black hole. This is definitely in the mediocre zone but such a dramatic improvement on Jack and Jill (which ended up with 14 black holes) that it might have been the creation of an alternative universe where all life is based on chlorine instead of carbon. Worth seeing? Well, not worth seeking out but if you are stuck on a plane you won’t kill too many brain cells watching it. Date movie? Only if she is on the plane with you. Bathroom break? The parasail scene was particularly insulting to my intellect so I will say go then.
Thanks for reading. I need to write up one more film and see a couple more this weekend so stand by for more reviews. Please follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post comments on this film here or email me with off topic questions and suggestions at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
“the Infamous” Dave Inman
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