2014 Post-Oscarlyptic Review
This is my chance to show the world how much smarter I am than the Academy. Sure, they have hundreds of thousands of collective hours in the film industry and actually saw all the movies nominated, but I have a blog dammit! Plus an opinion and ego that would put most of Hollywood to shame.
Actually I didn’t have a lot of issue with the winners of the awards this year. For the most part I agree with the Academy and am eagerly awaiting my invitation to join it. However I did review a lot of these and as always have my opinions. Based on my readership at least 14 humans in the world care what that opinion is. Like the real Oscars I will skip most of the technical awards unless I can think of something really funny to say.
Best Picture-12 Years a Slave.
This is a category where I get to feel like an ass as I managed to not see this film. I guess I felt I have enough guilt in my life already. From what I hear it was a great film and I will try to see it soon. Personally I would have chosen the Dallas Buyers Club. It was one of those movies that was so flawless I really didn’t feel the need to review it. My second choice would have been Her which I enjoyed tremendously. American Hustle felt like they were purposely making a film to win best picture, Captain Phillips lacked in character development, and at the end of the story Gravity was about a woman falling for two hours. The Wolf of Wall Street was great but honestly we’ve all seen it before from Scorsese. All of these films I thought great. I also managed to miss Nebraska (mainly because I thought it was a musical like Oklahoma) and Philomena never really surfaced at any of my local theaters.
Best Actor-Matthew McConaughey-Dallas Buyers Club
I totally, 100% agree with this. I thought he was brilliant. He starts off as such a reprehensible character and by the end of the film you are almost in tears for him. My second choice was Leonardo DiCaprio for the Wolf of Wall Street, but it was a long second. Christian Bale I couldn’t get over the bad 70’s clothes and comb over to notice him act (not really true, but they were distracting).
Best Actress-Cate Blanchett-Blue Jasmine
Again no disagreement here. She really pulled this one off in a way that amazed and stunned me. Unfortunately my enjoyment of this film has soured due to the recent sex abuse allegations against Woody Allen. I am going to have to seriously think about whether I need to keep supporting his film career by buying tickets. I mean, Adolf Hitler was a painter. Would I spend money to see an exhibit of his art? Probably not, unless the money generated went to sticking more hot coals you know where for him in Hell. I don’t know if the step daughters allegations are true or not but there seems to be a preponderance of evidence in support of it. I’m not saying Woody is on the same level as Hitler but if these accusations are true I think I have seen my last Woody Allen film. Too bad as I enjoy his work. All that aside I think Cate was brilliant in this film. None of the other candidates really stands out. If I had the power I would award Amy Adams for the Best Almost-Nudity in an R Rated Film. There’s another reason I’m glad American Hustle didn’t win best overall. Am I the only one who has heard “In for a penny, in for a pound”?
Best Actor in a Supporting Role-Jared Leto-Dallas Buyers Club
Total agreement here. I thought he was brilliant. Now if only he could learn to shut his piehole with regards to the transgendered community that would make me happier with it. Of course the whole thing about a straight guy playing a trans woman is insulting to my trans friends so I don’t know if there is really anything he could have done to keep his fat out of the fire. It just seems he could have done something more than nothing. I did really like Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips. Great portrayal. I don’t think Johan Hill deserved the win but I have to say I am a huge fan of his ability to play so many diverse roles. I listened to him on the Howard Stern Show and it struck me that his acting range is pretty huge. He could have kept doing more Superbad style roles for a few years and then been forgotten. He also has a great sense of humor.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role-Lupita Nyong’o-12 Years a Slave
Yes I will go see this dammit. I did like Sally Hawkins a lot and honestly thought Jennifer Lawrence did a better job than Amy Adams did in American Hustle.
Best Animated Feature Film-Frozen
This one category where I am sort of in disagreement with the Academy, except of the fact that I can’t think of a better film. If this were 2012 and this film had beaten out Wreck It Ralph I would have called it a crime against cinema. I found Frozen to be fairly mundane and formulaic. Also the soundtrack sucked. I’d say it was a toss up between this and Despicable Me 2. This is a good example of a big fish in a tiny pond. Had anything remotely decent come down the animated pike this one would have not even placed.
Best Cinematography-Gravity
Duh. This film was almost exclusively a cinematographic exploration. I’m not even sure how Prisoners got nominated, unless they are giving awards for the best Meteorological Control.
Costume Design-the Great Gatsby
Costumes was one thing this film had in spades. Anyone else see any irony in naming a film called The Invisible Woman as a candidate for best costume?
Directing-Alfonso Cuarón-Gravity
All the candidates I thought were great in direction, but when I think of the pacing and development this film was pretty well done. I agree.
Documentary Feature-20 Feet from Stardom
I don’t generally watch documentaries. It is enough work to keep up on current releases. Also if I wanted to see something on reality I would just watch my own life. Movies are all about escaping reality, not examining it.
Documentary Short Subject-The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life
See everything I said about documentaries above, plus where the hell do you go to see a short these days?
Film editing-Gravity
All of what I said about Alfonse above is reflected in the editing. No complaints here, although they all had great editing and pacing.
Foreign Language Film-the Great Beauty
Are you kidding?
Makeup and Hairstyling-Dallas Buyers Club
I can agree with that, although it would have been hilarious if The Lone Ranger had won it for it’s incredibly racially insensitive move of putting brown makeup on Johnny Depp and calling him a native American. The makeup in Bad Grandpa was great but if you are going to give it this award you would have to go back in time to 2002 and give it to Jackass.
Music-Original Score-Gravity
Music is one thing I rarely notice unless it is particularily bad or good. Since most of the songs in Saving Mr. Banks had actually been written for a different (better) movie I’m glad it didn’t win.
Music-Original Song-Let it Go-Frozen
Meh. The mediocrity of the music in this movie is one of the things that really turned me off. I suspect somewhere in the Academy floats a reminder that they need to brown nose Disney once in a while.
Production Design-the Great Gatsby
Fair enough, although Her was kind of brilliant.
I’m going to skip the rest as I have no exposure and not enough film knowledge to actually have an opinion. The one thing I liked about these Oscars is there wasn’t one film that swept it all away. I like it when different films win for different categories.
OK I gotta run. Thanks for reading. I did see Son of God and am on the fence about reviewing it. I have mixed feelings and I don’t see how I can do it without offending one side or the other. I guess I will chicken out unless there is nothing to see this weekend or I am really bored. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu and like us on FB. If you have comments on my comments feel free to post them here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 53 The Ultimate Computer
Star Trek has long been sited as the herald of most of our current technology. Cell phones, tablets, video streaming, virtual reality, even modern computers were first presented to Americans thanks to this show. In this episode we see the first stab at Artificial Intelligence (AI).
However what I love about this episode is not the presentation of M-5 as the future of computing but rather how brilliantly a space battle can be presented even without the benefits of CGI or even a special effects budget. You really feel the action of M-5 crushing the Lexington and the Excalibur from the bridge without needing to see the actual ships in action. I honestly think this was best done in Balance of Terror, but still very well done here.
(Image courtesy of the Star Trek T-Shirt category)
One thing however that I have always found annoying about Star Trek space battles is the image of crew members being thrown around the bridge and bulkheads. I know they stole that from Run Silent Run Deep and every other submarine movie but the fact is at the relative speeds they were running at anything capable of overcoming whatever the Enterprise used as inertial dampeners wouldn’t have thrown them across the room; it would have left a thin red smear on the bulkhead. Sorry Star Trek. I still love you but this has always bugged me.
Dave
Stalingrad Review
Mother Russia comes out with the mother of all mixed movies.
My relationship with foreign films, like my relationship with single women, is complex, ill defined, and a mixed blessing. A the same time I love them and hate them. Some movies take on a new approach that no one in our culture would ever consider and open my eyes to the perspectives of the world (Save the Green Planet). Other films go back and do something so retro cool it reminds us of how movies are supposed to be done as opposed to the inane glitz and gimmickry that is the current Hollywood norm (the Raid: Retribution, the Killer). Still others are just surreal and fun in dopey ways that delight the creative soul (City of Lost Children, Man Bites Dog, Delicatessen).
On the other side of the coin are movies that are just bad imitations of the Hollywood aesthetic and would have been better done (or not done) here in the US (The Warrior’s Way (<–one of my first reviews. See if I have evolved as a reviewer!)). The weird thing is Stalingrad manages to be both the good kind and bad kind of foreign movie at the same time.
On the good, you will never see a war movie like this come out of a Western studio. In our movies the heroes are always better trained, armed, equipped, and motivated than whatever unwashed rabble they are sent against. Even in the rare circumstances where a group of soldiers is cut off from support and grossly outnumbered they are still able to kill dozens of enemies for each one of theirs killed (Black Hawk Down, Lone Survivor, Saving Private Ryan). The best ones are where the enemies are not even human and can be mowed down with impunity.
In this film, at least for the first half, the story follows the reality of the Battle of Stalingrad in that the Wehrmacht is better equipped, trained, and tactical. Hundreds of Russian soldier die horribly in the first ten minutes in ways that make the Normandy assault scene from Saving Private Ryan look like a drive to your local mall. There is no glory in this film; the war is presented as horrible and awful as possible.
Unfortunately once the first 30 minutes are done the director starts channeling Hollywood, letting five guys take on the entire German army and hold them off. Once the stage is set the clear influence of Hollywood infects this film like a plague; super soldiers mowing down Germans left and right, two romance stories, and a villain so cartoonishly evil that they could have substituted Snidely Whiplash and I don’t think I would have noticed a difference. Then in the last 10 minutes the film stops being Hollywood and turns into the grim Russian war movie I was expecting to see the whole time.
So you understand my difficulty in reviewing this film. I would like to bitch about a very poor directing choice however. The movie rips off Saving Private Ryan almost completely including the flashback framing device. However in Private Ryan it made total sense and gave us an awesome reveal and in this film it was one of the most worthless and unnecessary devices I have seen in film in a long time. The whole movie starts off in Japanese and is about the rescue workers trying to save people after the big tsunami. I spent the first ten minutes not sure I was even in the right theater and if it hadn’t been for the Cyrillic lettering on the screen would have gotten up to check the marque and bitch to the theater manager. Then the actual movie starts and you more or less forget about it until the last five minutes when it returns with a vengeance and drops you out of the story with the abruptness of falling into a punji lined tiger trap.
By the way, it is my belief that you can often tell what the interests and fetishes of director are by what he or she keeps showing on the screen and it is apparent that director Fedor Bondarchuk has a thing for human beings being burned alive. That is pretty much what is shown for like the first half of the film (or so it seemed). Also since IMDB doesn’t have any photos for most of these actors I will have to skip my usual habit of identifying each one after mentioning their character. Honestly I couldn’t tell most of them apart during the film anyway and most of them don’t have any other credits. My apologies.
The movie starts off with foreign rescue workers volunteering to help in Japan. A Russian crew finds five teenagers trapped under rubble and the one guy who can speak German starts talking to them to keep them calm. He tells the girl that he had five fathers and once she questions that he launches into telling the story of his mother and five fathers at the battle of Stalingrad.
(Incidentally I found it more than a little weird that in order to calm down a hysterical German girl this guy is going to tell a story of horror and war wherein tens of thousands of Germans were killed or captured, only to be worked to death in Soviet prison camps. Of the 170,000 Germans in Stalingrad eventually only about 5,000 came home. Would you tell a trapped Native American stories about how your grandfather was an American soldier on the Trail of Tears? How about next time you tell a story about a little dog you had as a kid?)
Then the real movie starts with the Red Army advancing across the Volga. Their target seems to be three giant fuel depots and in order to keep them from falling into German hands the captain in charge orders them blown up. This causes most of the assault force to catch on fire but due to their strength of the Russian character still charge forward into the face of German machine guns while on fire (kind of dopey, and if this had been an American film I think I would have been rolling my eyes at that one. The Spirit of the Russian Soldier is a drum that gets beaten pretty regularly in this film. The Hammer and Sickle image is off of one of our funny political t shirts BTW).
Anyway, after getting their assault force obliterated five assorted soldiers and sailors take a building near the river. They are ordered to hold it at all costs. In the building lives Katya, a young girl who was abused by the Germans. She refuses to leave her home and hangs out with the soldiers. Meanwhile across the courtyard the Germans need to take the building and the captain is charged by his laughable evil colonel to do so.
There is a humanizing sub plot for the German captain where he loves a hot Russian girl but honestly that’s the rest of the story in a nutshell. The Germans attack, the Russians beat them back. The Germans set fire to Russian civilians. The five soldiers all come to love and care for Katya and one in particular may or may not have slept with her (little vague on this point). Meanwhile the German captain is obsessed with capturing the building while the colonel breathes down his neck and he does what he can to save Masha, his girl. I’m not going to spoil this one but remember this film is Russian so if you were looking for a happy ending skip on to the next movie.
The stars:
WWII movie. One star. It was nice to see something from the Eastern Front. Most Americans assume we won WWII but in truth it was the Russians who did all the heavy lifting and lost 20,000,000 people doing it. The main motivation for invading Europe from the West was to keep Russia from taking over all of it. One star. I liked the different approach to war films. It was a true team effort and the grimness of the Russians in the face of the better equipped and trained Germans was cool. One star. I actually really like the ending. Not all heroes have to ride off into the sunset with the girl on their arm. One star. Aside from the charge of the Burning Men (haw! That joke is way funnier if you live in the Bay Area) most of the action was cool and well done. One star. If you ever want to see how grim warfare can be, especially in an urban environment, this is the one for you (unless you saw Enemy at the Gates). One star. I liked the humanization of the German captain, and the effort to show that decency can exist in even the worst conditions. One star. In general a decent film. One star. Total: eight stars.
The black holes:
The flashback framing device was kind of idiotic, as well as derivative and completely unnecessary. It felt like we were watching two different movies. One black hole. I’m never a fan of villains who are evil just for evils sake. It makes them comical. One black hole. The Hollywoodification of this film was greatly to its detriment IMO. One black hole. The 3D and IMAX added nothing except for a motivation to write in some dumb crap in order to showcase it. Special effects should be used to enhance a story, not motivate it. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
So a grand total of four stars. A better than average score but on the B- side of the bell curve. It could have been a lot better. Worth seeing? It’s certainly a better WWII movie than Monuments Men, which should say something to studios who let actors pleasure themselves on the studio dime. I’d say yes, it’s worth seeing. It’s a pretty solid R and fairly brutal so no kids and probably no date. A romance in a film doesn’t add much to your dates enjoyment when most of the cast ends up dead. Bathroom break? That’s pretty easy. The scene where the five Russians throw a birthday party for Katya could be missed entirely, although in a perfect world you would have been able to skip the opening and closing bookends.
Thanks for reading. If the girl I’m supposed to hang out with tonight blows me off (a good likelihood in my experience) I will go see Son of God (that sentence taken out of context looks a little weird) although there is a big piece of me that is dreading it. Look for that review (plus more bitching about my dating life) tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Mostly I just post new reviews plus the series I am doing on Star Trek, although the other day I found a couple of funny photos. If you have a comment on this film or my review scroll down and leave it here. Also my SEO guy says I need more Facebook likes so click the little button on the top right. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Thanks again and have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 54 Bread and Circuses
This was a favorite of mine as a kid. I studied a lot of Greek and Roman mythology back then (long story) and the idea of a planet where Rome never fell struck me as super cool. I particularily liked the Roman soldiers in ancient armor with submachineguns.
All that being said this episode was pretty dumb. The idea of planets developing exactly parallel histories or societies as Earth but with some slight difference had already been ground into the dust in The Omega Glory, Patterns of Force, and a Piece of the Action. If you add in all the time travel episodes, Miri, and the Squire of Gothos you would think that Star Trek faced some kind of budget issue and were writing stories that would allow them to use props, costumes, and sets that were lying around the studio grounds.
I think it also telling that all the “alternative Earth” episodes were all close together. I would bet they did A Piece of the Action and figured out this was a cool and easy way to crank out a few episodes. All kind of ridiculous (even if the universe is infinite and all possible worlds exist in it the odds of finding a parallel world even in our own galaxy are astronomically high), but not as ridiculous as finding out that every alien planet in the universe speaks American accented English.
This was the only one I can think of that had a real religious message and if you are not Christian you might have an issue with it. I love the fact that Spock thinks that “sun worshipers” are kind of silly but once Uhura explains that they are not worshiping the sun but rather the Son of God he thinks it makes logical sense. I kind of doubt a race dedicated to logic in all things would give any more credence to one religious belief over another, but whatever. I think that basing a whole “plot twist” on the similarity between two English words on a planet that has no business even speaking English is bass ackwards. Also, for the record the Roman Empire did not fall because of Christianity. It fell for a number of reasons, not the least of which include lead in the water supply and Germanic barbarians.
Still, a fun episode as long as you don’t look too carefully at Kirk taking advantage Drusilla, his one night sex slave. This whole episode was pretty much based on human trafficking, but given the fact that Kirk has the charisma to hook up with any female vertebrates (and most invertebrates, if they are clean) in his eyesight this is just being lazy (and creepy).
Dave
P.S. I just noticed that the image I pulled from the site lists this episode as number 43, which again was it’s production number but not its release number. That’s twice. I’m going to have to have a few words with my Star Trek t shirt people.
Non-Stop Review
That is, a review of the movie Non-Stop, not a chance for me to run at the mouth for hours on end. I did that for Star Trek Into Darkness.
I have to be careful with Liam Neeson. His bad movies are like wearing sand paper underwear, constantly chaffing and reminding me of the pain of Taken 2, Battleship, and the Phantom Menace. But then I see something like this or the Grey and am reminded that he is actually a dammed good actor. Would that his script discrimination matched his acting ability.
Yes, I enjoyed it. Exciting, intense, and with only a few easily ignored plot holes. A few days ago when talking about seeing this film I disparaged director Jaume Collet-Serra a little for not having done anything worth mentioning but I have to say the man has talent. This film is tight. Great buildup of tension, great connection to the main character, and a very exciting denouement with a couple of nice plot twists with no excess. I would now give any film he did serious consideration.
Of course like the worlds greatest seismologist I can find fault with anything (haw! Earthquake humor) and this film does not escape my scrutiny unscathed. In general it is quite well done and a great template for a good action/drama. Relative to most of the movies I have seen since the beginning of the year it was a nice break from the sewage grind.
Reviews where I like the film tend to be short and kind of boring so I will get this one over with so you can read about my opinion on Star Trek. The film starts off with Bill Marks (Liam Neeson-Wrath of the Titans, the Lego Movie, the Nut Job) drinking in his car prior to going through security at an airport. He has a minor run in with a preppy dude named Zack (Nate Parker-Red Tails, The Great Debaters, Arbitrage) on the line only to find himself seated next to the guy.
Jen Summers (Julianne Moore-Carrie, Crazy Stupid Love, the Big Lebowski) needs a window seat and so Zack trades with her. The plane takes off. It turns out that Bill is an air marshal and he starts getting a series of strange texts, telling him that a person on the plane will die every 20 minutes unless $150 million is transferred to an account.
At that point it’s a massive whodunit. Bill looks like he is being framed for the whole gig. He has is suspicions and conducts a fairly brutal investigation. The as this film is all about surprises and I think it worth seeing I am not going to go into the story too deep. A spoiler here would really be unfair.
The stars:
Honestly very exciting, something of a rarity these days. Two stars. Liam Neeson plays a bitter burnout better than anyone else and this movie is the perfect vehicle to showcase his talent. One star. The rest of the cast delivered an admirable performance. One black hole. The plot twists were coherent and not just dredged up from bilges of the writers ass. You know. Twists that make sense, not just twists for twisty sake. One star. Pacing and tension development were actually quite masterful. No excess baggage (haw!). One black hole. In general a fun, exciting movie. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes:
While none of them were gaping there were a few black holes, mostly around the complexity of the bad guys plan and the fact that no one in TSA would look suspiciously at someone trying to get a parachute through security. One black hole. That’s pretty much it. One black hole total.
So seven stars, and one of the shortest reviews I have done in a long time. Sorry but movies that I like without being about something I really care about tend to be brief. I will take a moment to endorse the music making software package project by a friend of mine and ask that you check out her Kickstarter video. If you are into electronic music seriously consider donating a few bucks. I don’t ask for a lot of these (aside from checking out my nerd t-shirt site, of course) so at least give it some thought. Thanks, and thanks for reading. Like this on FB on the link above and follow me on Twitter if you think these reviews are decent (@Nerdkungfu). Comments on this film or my review can be left here and off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. I saw Stalingrad last night and will review it next. Talk to you soon. Have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 55 Assignment: Earth
This episode has always been something of a mystery to me. Think about it. The studio was planning on getting ready to cancel Star Trek (and only the timely intervention of Nichelle Nichols and thousands of loyal fans saved it for one more season) yet thought it worthy of launching a spin off. Of course the failure of Gary Seven to inspire mass fan loyalty might have been the final straw that broke the studios love of Trek in the first place.
Gary Seven himself is a big mystery too. He was a human raised by aliens to do something (?) on Earth. He is supposed to be undercover but has the last name of Seven 
(? Could it be the aliens who raised him were the Borg??? Borg logo courtesy of the Star Trek T-Shirts category BTW), not exactly a normal name. Also was his technology more advanced or less advanced that the Enterprise? Why when the Enterprise returned to its own time did they not say “Umm, we found evidence that advanced aliens were screwing with human society at the end of the 20th century. It’s possible they may still be around.”? Wouldn’t that be worthy of the slightest investigation? For that matter why didn’t Gary Seven go screaming back to his alien superiors about a human ship from 300 years in the future mucking about?
Really, everything about this episode is total ass. It had already been established in City on the Edge of Forever and Tomorrow is Yesterday that the slightest change in the past could completely destroy the future from whence the time travelers came back yet they risk destroying their entire reality in the interest of…historical research? I had no idea that historical accuracy would be such a priority in the future. I guess the United Federation of Planets was founded by Wikipedia.
Also, this episode is completely recycled from like eight other episodes. Tomorrow is Yesterday is the obvious one, but an intelligent black cat who turns into a hot brunette woman? Catspaw, anyone? It’s clear that the other time travel episodes had garnered enough praise to make them try one more time. Too bad this one fell on it’s face. This episode also had a very Doctor Who feel to it, so I give it an F+ for originality.
Dave
Endless Love Review
I hate myself for not hating this movie more.
Don’t get me wrong. I did hate this film. It is everything that is wrong in Hollywood today; a cliched, hackneyed low budget remake of an even crappier movie designed to just suck up enough cash from lonely romantic losers, foreign dopes, and hapless film critics who don’t warrant free movie tickets to cover its production costs plus coffee money (Budget: $20,000,000. Gross sales to date: $20,460,285. Mission accomplished I’d say). There is every reason for me to push it out of the car at 80mph onto an embankment that is currently covered with cactus.
And for most of the first half I was revving my engine and disabling my passenger seat belt latch in anticipation of doing exactly that. The characters were so bizarre they might have been written by aliens from another dimension who had only learned about humans by reading the online journals of teenage girls. The story was cheesier than a mozzarella asteroid big enough to destroy the planet (blue collar guy falls in love with upper class girl only to have trouble with her snooty father? Come on.). They had mid 20 year olds playing high school students. This film was another one filmed on the surface of the universe of HG Wells The Time Machine with only beautiful Eloi actors (obviously the Morlocks were all off camera collecting garbage, living in sewers, and writing movie reviews. As an aside to the producers of this film one or two actors with more “challenging” looks will actually make your good looking actors look better). A fairy tale romance that even a fairy tale wouldn’t touch. All that plus a title that even now has the Diana Ross/Lionel Richie song playing in my head over and over again like the elevator music for my descent into Hell.
Yet as the movie progressed I noticed something weird. I found myself rooting for the couple and hoping they ended up together. Normally when confronted with such cheesy romance I am hoping most of the main characters die in a fire, but there was something going on here. Maybe the two characters had actual chemistry. Maybe the dad was such a dick that I wanted to see him get his comeuppance. Maybe I saw this movie a week after the worst holiday of the year, Valentine’s Day, and the weight of my own aching loneliness was weighing heavier on my soul. Regardless of the reason as the film progressed to its painfully predictable ending instead of wanting to murder the projectionist I felt an odd sense of satisfaction.
That sense of satisfaction aside the movie is absolute sh%t. It starts off with pretty boy David Elliot (Alex Pettyfer-I am Number Four,Beastly, Magic Mike) and sidekick Mace (Dayo Okeniya-the Hunger Games, Runner Runner, The Spectacular Now) graduating high school along with the supposed love of David’s life Jade Butterfield (Gabriella Wilde-Carrie, The Three Musketeers, St Trinian’s 2: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold). In spite of being the most gorgeous girl in a school of gorgeous girls Jade is weirdly unpopular and never talks to anyone. She is still morning the death of her older brother or something but this part of the movie seemed really fake. No one is that good looking and not popular.
Anyway, somehow Jade is so unpopular that no one signs her yearbook. Later she and her father Hugh (Bruce Greenwood-I Robot, Star Trek into Darkness, Deja Vu), mother Anna (Joely Richardson-the Patriot, the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Event Horizon (for the record I think Event Horizon is one of the scariest films I have ever seen)), and brother Kieth (Rhys Wakefield-the Purge, Sanctum, the Black Balloon) arrive at their snooty country club where David and Mace work as valets. A guy is a total jerk so David and Mace steal the car and bring Jade along.
Jade is having a party to celebrate graduating and is surprised when the most unpopular girl in the school has no one show up. David shows up and sabotages his ex girlfriends party so hundreds of kids show up at Jade’s (nothing like a high school party run by and officiated by the uptight father). They end up in the closet and Hugh catches them.
At that point the two are super in love based on the fact that…I don’t know. They are both good looking I guess? Maybe it’s this mysterious thing known as chemistry but I can tell you I took two years of high school and three years of college chemistry (long story) and still don’t know what that is about. Anyway, Hugh wants to throw David out on his ass but David proclaims his honorable intentions.
If any of this seems remotely familiar feel free to skip ahead a few paragraphs. Jade and David embark on a whirlwind romance while Hugh hawks from the side. Jade gives up a great internship to stay around during the summer. Hugh drags her and the rest of the family to their palatial lake house and David shows up and stays as well. Hugh demonstrates his amazing and trust worthy parenting skills by having David investigated by the local police and discovers that David has had some trouble in the past (aren’t juvenile records sealed when you turn 18? Oh well). Mace gets David and the whole crew into trouble and David sacrifices himself to keep Jade out of trouble. Hugh rewards him by getting David to punch him out and gets a restraining order on him by pulling a favor from his good buddy the rich judge (isn’t justice in America awesome?).
Look, I’m getting really bored of this recap. Sorry. David and Jade break up and she goes off to collage. They both are miserable and eventually find a way to get back together after Jades house burns down. The end.
The stars.
Sigh. I guess Jade and all the other girls were super hot, as long as PG-13 action turns you on. One star. Umm. I guess just that weird satisfied feeling I felt at the end. One star. Total: two stars.
The black holes.
If you have even the slightest allergy to cheese or dairy products this film will put you in your grave. One black hole. Adults playing teenagers and acting like high school was remotely cool. One black hole. The characters were all a little surreal in their motivation. One black hole. 
Every bit of conflict could have been resolved with about 10 minutes of discussion between Jade and David, or just by getting rid of high school buddy Mace (Wingman image courtesy of the cheap t shirt category). One black hole. The whole super hot/anti social nerdy girl thing felt incredibly lame and fake. One black hole. Hugh’s character was so laughably overprotective as daddy that you couldn’t possibly take him seriously. One black hole. The pacing was drag-tastic. One black hole. Very, very predicable. If you have ever read any teen romance novel you knew exactly where this was going from the first scene. One black hole. In general a waste of 104 minutes. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
A grand total of seven black holes. Pretty poor, and honestly if I were right in the head it would have gotten a lot more black holes. In spite of everything I did feel something other than boredom from this film. Should you see it? If it’s on Netflix and you are at home on your couch with your girlfriend and/or a bong full of medicinal marijuana sure. Don’t waste your time and money in the theater. Date movie? Duh. Bathroom break? No scene stands out as being worthy of holding your bladder for so feel free to bail out at any time.
Thanks for reading. When I look at my movie options this weekend I say “Oh, God” literally (haw!) but think I will see the new Liam Neeson film tonight. What’s that you say? It was directed by a foreign guy who has done absolutely nothing I’ve ever heard of before? Well sign me up! Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu to keep up on all my posts, and if you liked this review be sure to like us on Facebook. If you have a comment on this film or my review feel free to leave it here, and off topic questions and comments can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
P.S. Out of morbid curiosity I just looked up the writer/director of this film Shana Feste on IMDB. She has done nothing really of note (aside from a movie called The Greatest. I find that really funny. She literally made The Greatest Movie) but I just realized she is super hot. Shana, if you would like to discuss in detail my issues with this dross I will let you buy me dinner. Be aware that as a rule I generally don’t kiss on a first date unless you are remotely willing.
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 56 Spock’s Brain
In all things there is a low point. The bottom level, the dregs, the rock bottom, the nadir, the Phantom Menace. Being alive is about making relative value judgements and as soon as you start doing that there always ends up a low man on the totem pole. For Star Trek that low point will always be Spock’s Brain.
Where to start? The bad direction, the misogamy, the slavery, the line “Brain and brain, what is brain?”. Ironic that this would be the first episode of the dreaded third season. Talk about setting a tone. The great Leonard Nimoy put it best “Frankly during the entire shooting of that episode, I was embarrassed.” We fans are embarrassed with you.
The image of McCoy getting his brain reprogrammed comes from our Star Trek t-shirt category BTW.
The weird thing is as a kid I thought it was pretty cool. I mean, I was smart enough to recognize “Balance of Terror” and “City on the Edge of Forever” as the zenith of sci fi entertainment, but being a preteen watching this in the mid ’70s it didn’t seem so off. The idea that women were beautiful dummies who stole from men and controlled them with pain seemed a reasonable premise to me (thanks for that, Dad, and I guess I just had a major revelation as to the difficulties I face in my current dating life). If nothing else I like to think that my changed attitude towards this episode is a microcosm of my own evolution into the open minded, balanced supporter of feminism and equality you see before you.
I’ll have to remember that line when I’m telling my future (and very hypothetical) girlfriend to run out the kitchen and make me a sandwich. Of course when speaking of future and hypothetical girlfriends the terms “cyborg”, “virtual”, “android”, and “elfin” tend to creep into my thought process. God I’m a nerd.
Anyway, bad episode but the good news is I am now done with season 3 and can move on to the much better season 2. What was the last episode from season 2 for me to cast my fond memories over? Assignment Earth??? Why God why???
Dave
Pompeii Review
In a bizarre twist of fate I didn’t hate it.
Images courtesy of the Pompeii Official Site
Years ago I read a sci fi novel that had a lot of commentary about modern American society. I really can’t remember the name or author but one of the things he talked about was different kinds of porn. I don’t just mean jerk off material but like someone who enjoyed looking at pictures of food would be looking at food porn, or cars auto porn. I don’t really remember if he was trying to say something about how we fixate on things or if he was just trying to change the meaning of the term porn, but one of the categories one of his characters was into was disaster porn.
That’s pretty much what Pompeii is. Disaster porn. If watching cities get buried under flying balls of liquid magma and flooded by tidal waves flips your switch then you have found your next favorite film. I’m not even saying that’s a bad thing. I’ve looked at way too much regular porn in my life to comment on someone enjoying visuals of something that gets them off (unless you enjoyed 2012, in which case you are a total freak). I’m just saying that this movie will please any disasterphile out there.
I myself am not adverse to watching Godzilla wreak havoc through Tokyo. This film is pretty much Sparticus and 300 meets Deep Impact so it makes sense that I would find it fun. In truth I am trying to figure out why I expected it to suck so much more than it did. Maybe I am still feeling the residual pain of the Legend of Hercules and any film involving bare chested guys with swords is going to have to overcome that hurdle. Perhaps I was expecting another 2012 or Armageddon. I don’t know. I entered the theater expecting to put another notch on my bedpost of movie hate.
I suppose one reason I expected suckitude is the fact that it was directed by Paul Anderson, who kind of specializes in disaster movies if you know what I mean. Anyone else remember Death Race or the Three Musketeers? I do, in the same way that an alien abduction victim remembers the sound of the anal probulator powering up. However the thing I always forget is that as bad as his movies can be they are usually in some dumb way fun to watch. Sure the Resident Evil films are to entertainment what cock fighting is to animal kindness but you can’t help but be entertained by watching a hot chick in a skin tight leather outfit leap, flip, stab, shoot, kick, and punch her way through hundreds of zombies.
I have to admit I was pleased by how they treated the story the way a girl should treat her skirt: long enough to cover the subject but short enough to keep in interesting (my 60 year old female 10th grade English teacher gave me that line. There are some days when I really miss the 80’s). Paul Anderson must have taken a film class or something as there was nothing ridiculous about the action, there was no sign of technology that should not exist (16th century monofiliment line, etc), and the story served as a very adequate platform upon which to serve up exploding volcanoes and gladiator fight scenes (“Do you like gladiator movies?” What movie is that from gentle reader?). It is actually quite different from almost all of his other movies and since it is one of his best I think Mr. Anderson might take a lesson home from that.
All that is not to say that it is a brilliant film worthy of your adulation and fandom. It’s no Usual Suspects. It’s no 300. It’s no Watchman. It’s not great or even especially good. It’s just that it sucks a lot less than most films these days and that puts it on the Worthy to Watch pedestal.
By the way, this film was PG-13 and the stench of that hung about in the theater like I was watching the movie with the 50 finalists of the World Championship Bean Eating Contest, but for some reason it didn’t grind on me that much. I guess there is a way to do PG-13 that doesn’t feel like your mom just used too much baby powder on your diaper.
The story is pretty basic and my blogs have been pretty long lately so I’ll speed through it. Roman Senator Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland-Dark City, 24, L.A. Confidential) with his lieutenant Bellator (Currie Graham-Stargate the Ark of Truth, Hitchcock, Assault on Precinct 13) are tearing ass through a Celtic tribe and Corvus orders them all killed. 
Young Milo manages to hide and escape only to be captured and sold into slavery. 15 years later Milo (Kit Harrington-Silent Hill: Revelation 3d, Game of Thrones, Greenland Time) is an accomplished gladiator who regularly beats multiple opponents (Gladiator helmet image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). He is sent to Pompeii join their games.
On the way a coach carrying the beautiful Cassia (Emily Browning-Sucker Punch, Ghost Ship, the Host) runs into a pot hole and one of the horses is injured. Milo helps the horse feel better before putting it down and he and Cassia fall in love at first sight. She gets back to Pompeii and is reunited with her father Severus (Jared Harris-Natural Born Killers, Sherlock Holmes A Game of Shadows, Lincoln) and mother Aurelia (Carrie-Anne Moss-The Matrix, Disturbia, Momento). Also along with her is my future wife Ariadne (Jessica Lucas-That Awkward Moment, Evil Dead, Cloverfield). She really didn’t do much in this film but I want to mention her because once we are married I plan to live off her acting jobs and therefore need to promote her at all times. Seriously, even with half her face cut off in Evil Dead I would marry her. Her beauty is almost enough for me to forgive her for being in That Awkward Moment (almost).
Anyway, Milo gets thrown into the pits and meets reigning champ Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje-The Bourne Identiy, G.I. Joe the Rise of Cobra, the Mummy Returns). Atticus needs only win one more fight and gain his freedom. Meanwhile Severus is cooking up some deal to rebuild Pompeii and his number one investor turns out to be Corvus. Corvus met Cassia in Rome and is using his business deals to blackmail her into marrying him.
Honestly there’s not much more than that. Cassia loves Milo. Corvus arranges for Milo to get killed in the arena but Milo survives. The volcano blows up and at that point it’s a documentary on how many ways there are to die in a natural disaster, plus a chariot race. The end.
The stars.
The simple plot really worked for this premise. One star. I was afraid the lead up to the volcano was going to drag but there was enough gladiator action to keep things interesting. Actually pacing was dead on point. One star. I honestly don’t know how good an actor Kit is, but he can pull off surly loner and that is pretty much what this role needed. Everyone else nailed it, and of course I am a huge Kiefer Sutherland fan. One star. The visuals were pretty stunning. Even before the volcano blew up they were great, and once it went off Ponpeii was transformed into the 87th level of Hell (reserved for people who insist on using the word “hella”). Excellent CGI and actual effects. One star. The action was at the same time believable and exciting. One star. Every scene with Jessica Lucas on the screen was like mana from Heaven. God she is gorgeous. One star. Paul Anderson took couple serious risks with his plot that diverged from the standard Hollywood fare. I don’t know how that will be received at the box office and will not spoil them but I appreciate the artistic integrity. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes.
This film could be said to borrow heavily from a bunch of other films but the term you really want to use is “rip off”. Very derivative. One black hole. PG-13. A little gore and/or nudity would have greatly enhanced the experience. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
So five stars. Not bad. For me that is at the low end of good. I would call this film very entertaining. Worth seeing? Given the dearth of quality in the first part of this year I would say absolutely, assuming you have already seen the Lego Movie (Lego Pompeii? The whole world might explode from too much awesomeness). This is one of those very rare occasions where I will say that 3D might enhance your viewing experience. Big screen the crap out of it. Date movie? Sure. There is enough of a love story to keep her into it and while there are tons of half naked guys running around most of them look like hamburger so you should do OK in the comparison department. Bathroom break? From the moment the final gladiator battle starts until the end of the film there isn’t a scene that doesn’t warrant your attention. There are a few minutes between when Bellator orders the Arena master to make sure Milo dies and that fight that could be missed, but honestly either hurry or hold it in. The whole film is only 98 minutes.
Thanks for reading. I am going to see something so horrible tonight that I don’t even want to type the name as it already is giving me a headache (not to mention causing the worst song of 1981 to play continuously in my head. I’m sure you can figure out which movie I’m planning to see). Look for that review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter if you want to keep up on my reviews and my ongoing Star Trek discussion. Post comments here if you saw this movie and either agree or disagree with me. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected] (<–Jessica Lucas I hope you are still reading this). Thanks again and have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Restrospective: Episode 57 the Enterprise Incident
I talked a lot about this episode when it made number 4 on my list of the 10 worst and then later went on to write an entire blog post as to why I thought it was so dumb. All those reasons still stand. I’ve noticed that most of the really bad episodes from season 3 all seem to involve making Kirk out to be even more awesome than previously portrayed. If I were a betting man I would bet that in S3 Shatner had gained a lot of power editorially and more or less forced them to write him this way. Either that or they made the determination that it was easier to cater to his ego than argue with him.
That is not to say there isn’t some amusement to be had from this episode, and I’m not just talking about Kirks Romulan makeup. At the start of season 3 NBC dramatically cut the budget and the producers had to scramble to make their props. When looking at the Romulan cloaking device a particularly observant Star Trek fan might notice that it seems a little familiar; specifically it is the top half of Nomad from the Changeling glued to one of the glowing soul globes from Return to Tomorrow (Sargon, I think). It is these keen insights that make my blog so worth reading.
By the way, if you yourself are a keen observer you might notice that this image from the Star Trek T Shirt collection lists this episode as 59, not 57. I believe this to be an error on the part of the guys who do my shirts. It was the 59th episode produced but in terms of intended and actual release order it was 57. I could already hear the trolls sharpening their keyboards on that one. You won’t catch me so easily.
Anyway, kind of a dopey episode. Read the link I put above if you want specifics. Of course in looking ahead my next two episodes are Spock’s Brain and Assignment: Earth so it will be a while before I get to something decent. Oh, well.
Dave
