The Monuments Men Review
I’m at a loss as to whether I like it or not.
Image courtesy of the Monuments Men Official Web Site.
On paper it seems like I should love this film. It has some of my favorite actors in it. Clooney, Goodman, Murray, and Damon rock. Kate Blanchet is very easy on the eyes, even when playing a stuck up Parisian. I love World War II movies. I love movies from real stories. I studied art and in spite of many hours of painful Art History lessons I love art.
So why am I not gushing all over this film? This is one of those movies that is going to suffer the death of 1,000 cuts. There is no one thing that brings it down but rather a million little pinpricks that cause it to bleed all over the screen. It’s hard to nail down but there is just something off about it.
I suppose I should have had some warning when they started running trailers for this film almost a year ago. In the bizarre idiot savant genius that is only enjoyed by Hollywood studio marketing departments the ad people can sniff out a dud far in advance and start advertizing the crap out of it, hoping to pin the movie in the minds of the audience before actual word of mouth poisons it. Ever notice that the really great films hardly advertize at all? I know I am more sensitive to this as I see every movie out there and have watched the Monuments Men trailers about 800 times but I just don’t understand how it is the marketing people can feel a bad movie coming on like an impending bowel blockage but the directors, producers, and studio executives keep packing away the cheese and red meat.
Not to say that this film is bad. It’s just mediocre, and given the tools they had that makes it very disappointing. If you enter the Indy 500 in a ’79 Thunderbird no one is going to blame you for coming in dead last. However if you enter it in the latest hi tech Formula 1 car and spend the whole race doing donuts on the midway I think some of the failure blame may land fairly in your lap.
This film has the stench of a pet project on it, and since it was written by, directed by, and starred in by the same man I think we can guess who’s pet it is. The biggest identifiable problem is that he honestly tried to do too much in all ways. He has some of the best character actors in the business but didn’t have the time to actually let any of them develop a character, leaving them all bizarrely flat and one dimensional. He tried to add some away from home angst in a really out of place scene that added nothing (which was exacerbated by the fact that without any character development we didn’t care about Bill Murray’s character enough for it to have impact). The film was a “sort of” project. It was sort of a war movie, sort of a buddy movie, sort of a romantic drama, sort of a National Treasure-esque treasure hunt, sort of a Holocaust movie, sort of a celebration of the French resistance, sort of a historical drama, sort of a character study, and sort of an action drama. Unfortunately it did none of those particularly well.
Image courtesy of the Monuments Men Official Site
Also unfortunately it was sort of boring. Drama and dialog only work if there are characters for us to connect with, and with our focus split six different ways the drama had zero impact. The war action in this war movie was perfunctory at best. There were only two “battle” scenes, one of which ended comedically, and both of them were criminally short with no gravitas. The one death scene was the character we had the least connection to (and that is saying a lot). I honestly think that with a few tweaks this film could have gotten a PG rather than PG-13 rating to allow the next generation to get bored too.
I can almost see the arguments wherein an executive producer is begging and cajoling Clooney to include one stinking battle scene and George is refusing to sully the vision of his opus. The entire last half of the movie seems to be gearing up towards a big confrontation with the closest thing to an antagonist, the Russian treasure hunter, but the exact moment when a veteran movie goer expects the scene instead we get a shot of the guys driving across the German countryside into Blue Ball City.
The story is of the Monuments Men, a group of soldiers tasked by President Roosevelt to save and recover great pieces of art stolen by the Germans. They are led by art professor Frank Stokes (George Clooney-Gravity, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou, Up in the Air) and artist James Granger (Matt Damon-Saving Private Ryan, Good Will Hunting, the Departed). The team is comprise of architect Richard Campbell (Bill Murray-Moonrise Kingdom, Groundhog Day, Lost in Translation), sculpture Walter Garfield (John Goodman-Monsters, Inc, Argo, the Big Lebowski), painter Preston Savitz (Bob Balaban-Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Moonrise Kingdom, Gosford Park), British guy Donald Jeffries (Hugh Bonneville-Downton Abbey, Tomorrow Never Dies, Notting Hill), and French guy Jean Claude Clermont (Jean Dujardin-the Artist, the Wolf of Wall Street, 99 francs).
They go out into the world and split up in order to have 14 more WWII subplots. None of the individual scenes really have much to do with the main story and could be taken as individual vignettes. James Granger heads into Paris (which may or may not have been occupied. Timing seemed really vague in this film) to meet up with an old art contemporary Claire Simone (Cate Blanchett-LOTR, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Blue Jasmine). She worked with the Nazi in charge of stealing all the art Viktor Stahl (Justus Von Dohnanyi-The World is Not Enough, Downfall, the Experiment) and has information that would really help the Monuments Men find the art (sort of. Honestly after about half the movie wooing the info out of here I thought it pretty worthless) but for some inexplicable reason would rather let Hitler burn it all or something. I guess to help create drama?
Anyway Jeffries wanders off to find a Michelangelo sculpture and gets shot (supposedly. From what I saw the sound of the Germans pistol might have given him a cardiac arrest. PG-13 and all that). Garfield and Clermont wander around the countryside and stumble upon some Germans who shoot the Frenchman (as an aside, if you weren’t American in this film your days were numbered). Savitz and Campbell stumble upon Stahl in what is easily the best scene in the film and arrest him. Stokes and crew start finding art hidden in salt mines and the like. Meanwhile an evil Russian team is also looking for art to steal. Both teams seem to be headed towards the same Bavarian castle and copper mine where the greatest art piece ever is stored and in a truly edge of the seat, leave finger prints imbedded in the armrest from gripping it so hard scene the Americans leave with all the art about ten minutes before the Russians arrive. The end.
The stars.
You cannot help but love the cast. Even in mediocre movies they shine like diamonds. I was especially glad to see Bill Murray again. Three stars. Based on a true story. One star. I like the idea that some art is worth risking your life to save. There was a noble overriding message I can’t help but appreciate. One star. WWII movies hearken me back to one of the few positive interactions I can recall with my father, who loved WWII. One star. If you go in looking for more history than drama and action you will enjoy it. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes.
The tonal shift really kept throwing me out of the theater. It was like watching the first ten minutes of seven different films over and over again. One black hole. The lack of any kind of real character development and the fact that they split all the character time between six or seven different characters meant I never connected with any of them. I felt more sadness seeing some great works of art burned then I did seeing the two dudes die. You can’t give me two minutes to form a bond with a character and then expect me to give a damn when he dies. 
I’ve had stronger connections with individual Stormtroopers (Trooper image courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirt category). One black hole. Pacing was awful. 118 minutes of Act II with no real conclusion, no continuity, and no connection to the rest of the war. You jumped from scene to scene with a little subtitle placard and were expected to buy into the fact that we didn’t need to see anything in between. The film doesn’t feel like it ended so much as they just ran out of film. One black hole. The Claire Simone segments were particularly worthless. She contributed next to nothing besides a pretty female face in a sea of dudes. What was her motivation? Did we need to learn about her brother? Was the data she gave them really of any value in the long run? Was she a love interest or not? One black hole. No action to speak of. They bought all the guns and uniforms. Didn’t they feel any interest in at least having one thing remotely exciting happen? One black hole. They ripped off about 80 other WWII and treasure hunt movies. You know that trope where a guy steps on a mine but it won’t go off until he takes his weight off of? The one in every bad war movie ever? Well apparently so does George Clooney. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
So a total of one star, which in my book is a very mediocre score. I don’t know. Maybe my mom will love it, but honestly I think Clooney needs to have a more concrete vision of what his next movie is supposed to be before starting it.. Having a movie about art suddenly shift into finding 50 gallon drums full of gold teeth collected from concentration camps speaks loudly of “Late Night Inspiration Disease” where the writer/director/star of this masterpiece spends the evening watching Schindler’s List and wakes up at 3am in a creative sweat and writes down the first thing that comes to mind on his bedside legal pad. Worth seeing? I will say it’s not worth not seeing. If there is nothing else on and you roll into the theater with your expectations set low enough you will probably enjoy it. Odds are the biggest problem facing my enjoyment of it was the 800 Monuments Men trailers I have watched over the last 14 months. Sometimes advertizing can have a negative effect. Date movie? Meh. I suppose. This is one of those perfect relationship date movies where you and your significant other will feel equally annoyed at the film for different reasons. A good compromise always leaves both parties vaguely dissatisfied. Bathroom break? There is a date scene with Claire towards the end that could be missed without much impact.
Thanks for reading. I’m still riding the high I felt from watching the Lego Movie, but have Vampire Academy on deck for tonight so by this time tomorrow should be back to my miserable self (unless Vampire Academy surprises me by being good and fun to watch, but that would be a moot point as by the time I got to writing the review all causality would have already imploded). Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review are invited and can be left here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 62 Day of the Dove
This is one of my favorite episodes from season 3. As a kid I just liked all the violence. The Klingon commander was pretty awesome, and had one of my favorite quotes from all of Star Trek:
Kirk: Go to the devil!
Commander Kang: We have no devil, Kirk. But we understand the habits of yours. I shall torture you to death one by one until your noble captain cries enough. Who will be first?
Spoken with the perfect amount of menace. I also love any episode where Spock has to use logic and propose hypothesis. (I couldn’t find a good image of Kang in the Star Trek T-Shirts, but I did find Kor).
It’s also funny how your perceptions change over time. As a kid and young adult I never really had much of a problem with the interaction between Chekov and Mara, but now as an adult and much more open minded and sensitive individual (yes I am, dammit! Shut up!) I now realize it was pretty much the first part of a rape and find it seriously disturbing. Of course Chekov was under the influence of an alien creature, but still. Not something I’m happy to see one of my childhood heroes doing.
I’d also like it noted that even as a kid I noticed that the mysterious “Security Alert” button that Kirk touched on his communicator was in fact just him tapping the side of the device. I love Star Trek but am not blind to it’s stupidities.
Dave
The Lego Movie Review
Everything is Awesome!
Image courtesy of the Lego Movie Official Site
OK this movie would have had to try really, really hard to get me to dislike it. If I were to sing the Dave version of My Favorite Things the list would include Lego, Batman, Star Wars, stop motion animation, wizards, dragons, pirates, robots, cyborgs, evil geniuses bent on world domination, cowboys, and spaceships and this movie had all those things rolled together. However, even if it weren’t the visual representation of the Dave Skinner box in my head I would still love this film because it is amazingly creative, fun, funny, and in all ways imaginative.
I admit I had my trepidations. I have seen other cherished childhood toys taken out of the box and forced onto the screen dressed up in creepy clothes and makeup like a 5 year old entered into a child beauty pageant by her overbearing mother. G.I. Joe, Transformers, Battleship, Smurfs, and the Garbage Pail Kids are all toys who were touched inappropriately by Hollywood much to my dismay (well, Smurfs was OK, but still. Also they started as a cartoon). Does anyone else remember when toys would come from movies, not the other way around?
Fortunately Lego has managed to create something wonderful without destroying the love of their toys in my and many other adults and children minds. Frequent readers of my blog may well think that Star Trek was the only light in the darkness of my childhood otherwise filled with bullies, fights, alienation, disdain from my so-called peers, feelings of inadequacy, mean dogs, uncaring adults, illegal fireworks, and frequent injury but I can say that Lego was my other life preserver. I would spend hours a day building forts, castles, houses, robots, tanks, cars, planes, spacecraft, and more robots (I really liked robots). It was the one thing my parents got me each birthday and Xmas. I think they liked it because it kept me out of their hair.
If I were to really break it down I guess I could say that Star Trek was the role model that taught me about how to be a decent, honorable, brave human and Lego was where I practiced it. I actually created my own game using dice could occupy myself endlessly with it. Oddly enough I never mixed the two. I never did Star Trek with Lego. I don’t know why.
Incidentally I still have my entire massive collection and still buy the occasional set, just to keep my hand in as it were. Usually a Star Wars set, and once in a while when I’m feeling lonely, bored, or depressed (usually right after getting rejected by someone) I will bust them out and recreate another Battle for Post-Apocalyptic Legoland.
What was I supposed to be doing here? Oh, yeah the movie. Freaking amazing in all ways. Maybe not as top shelf as Wreck It Ralph but the nostalgia value and personal love elevate this film dramatically. As a burned out emotionless husk of a human the times when movies make me feel anything at all are rare gems. Usually the best I can hope for is a fleeting hint of an adrenaline rush of excitement, or a sad moment when someone dies in a noble way. As I left the theater for the Lego Movie I had a big dopey smile on my face and was humming the theme song. I had a bizarre, alien uplifting feeling and suddenly realized the film had made me happy. Even now thinking about it I have a warm feeling in my heart and am fighting a strange impulse turn on some beat heavy electronica and dance in my office.
Image courtesy of the Lego Movie Official Site
The story starts off with main bad guy Lord Business (Will Ferrell-Zoolander, Stranger than Fiction, Anchorman) stealing the Kragle, the most deadly item in the Lego universe. Vitruvius (Morgan Freeman-the Shawshank Redemption, Now You See Me, Olympus has Fallen) tries to stop him but gets blinded and Business gets away. Skip forward 8 1/2 years and meet Emmet Brickowski (Chris Pratt-Parks and Rec, Delivery Man, Her), a Lego construction worker who lives in a happy, controlled city under the benevolent guidance of President Business. He works on a construction site building Lego skyscrapers and singing the main theme song along with all the rest of the city.
As work ends he notices a girl digging at the site. It is Wildstyle (Elizabeth Banks-What to Expect when You’re Expecting, Pitch Perfect, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire) and Emmet falls in love with her at first site. While chasing after her he falls and comes across the Piece of Resistance, a mystical item that is said to the the only thing that can stop the Kragle. He touches it and passes out.
Image courtesy of The Lego Movie Official Site
He wakes up in a prison being interrogated by Bad Cop (Liam Neeson- the Grey, Taken 2, Wrath of the Titans). He has the Piece of Resistance glued to his back. He gets rescued by Wildstyle, Vitruvius, and best of all Batman (Will Arnett-Blades of Glory, Ratatouille, Arrested Development. By the way, now that I love him in this film do I feel like crap for dumping on his last animated venture the Nut Job? Nope! That movie still sucked). He lives a moment lifted directly from my life when he learns the love of his life has a much cooler boyfriend in Batman.
Honestly I’m not going to go into the whole story as it is super cool and you should all go see it. They travel around meeting a bunch of other Master Builders, including Unikitty (Alison Brie-the Five Year Engagement, Community, the Kings of Summer), Metal Beard (Nick Offerman-Parks and Rec, We’re the Millers, 21 Jump Street), and my personal favorite 1980 Something Space Guy (Charlie Day-It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Horrible Bosses, Pacific Rim). The story is surprisingly cool and complicated, the jokes are amazing (keep an eye out for the blade joke), and if you are a fan of Lego from back in the day you will love every second of it.
Hellooo ladies!
I don’t do my usual stars and black holes for kids movies. I generally base the reviews on how the kids in the audience were reacting and to a child they were going bat5%$& crazy. They loved it and so did I. Should you see it? Duh. That’s like asking yourself if you should keep on processing oxygen. If you have a soul and enjoy happiness then yes. Yes you should. Date movie? If you bring a girl with a sense of humor to this film and you don’t get laid check your pulse because you might have died a few years ago and have been living on as a rotting zombie. Heck, I think even I could have gotten laid had I had the foresight to bring a girl with me (well, maybe. I dream of one day having the sex appeal of a rotten animated corpse. Dream image courtesy of the zombie t shirt catgory). Bathroom break? Hold it. It’s only 100 minutes and every second is packed with cool stuff. If this is a problem you might want to bring along your Truckers Friend.
Thanks for reading. This film was fun to see and review. Makes me glad I do what I do. Look for my review for for Monument Men tomorrow. I think I am going to have to see Vampire Academy so you can enjoy me projectile vomiting all over my keyboard on Monday. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review are welcome and can be left here. Off topic questions or suggestions should be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 63 For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky
This episode has always been one of great confusion for me. I never actually saw it as a kid. The network that showed my Start Trek reruns opted out of doing this one (and a few more I guess). The thing is I used to buy up sci fi paperbacks at the thrift store for $.10 each and anything with the word Star Trek on it went home with me. I once picked up a book of episodes and read them back to back. When I got to this this one I had my first very horrible moment of doubt as to my validity as a Trekker (that moment would be repeated ad nauseum at my first five Star Trek conventions). How could I have not seen this episode? Is it possible I had forgotten it?
This is one of those episodes that looks a lot better written down than actually performed. I quite enjoyed the story and found the concept fascinating. Generation ships is probably exactly how we are going to colonize the universe so it is highly relevant. Seen on the screen in the order that the show was presented had a much lower enjoyment factor. Pacing was really kind of off, Kirk hammed it up even more than usual, and the costumes looked like the props guy raided his mothers sleepwear collection. Also the concept of a primitive society being under the thrall of a super computer had been so beaten into the ground that as a trope it was only outdone by the Red Shirt dying a horrible death. (Ensign Ricky image courtesy of the Star Trek T-Shirt collection)
That being said a bad day of watching Star Trek beats a good day of most anything else. To be honest more mediocre than bad, and the whole brain hook up thing was another Star Trek technological prophesy about to come to fruition (cough cough Google Glass cough cough).
Dave
The Nut Job Review
Sometimes you feel like a nut, but after this movie you won’t.
It’s a weird phenomenon that occurs for me whenever I go to see a kids film I know ahead of time is supposed to suck. I walk in with my talons out and my canines sharpened in anticipation of mauling the latest crime against developing children’s brains but then as the other kiddie movie trailers start rolling by I feel myself ease up on it. “It’s a kids movie for Christs sake” I can hear myself think. “It has cartoons and celebrity voices. How bad could it possibly be?”
Image courtesy of the Nut Job Official web site.
Well, two hours pass and by the end of it I usually have my answer. In most cases it’s the writing and super pandering nature but oddly enough in this film it’s the characters. You see, most movies (grown up films included) have what is commonly known as a protagonist. This mythological creature is generally made to be somehow likeable and sympathetic. The goal is to have the audience identify and connect with this individual in an attempt to make us care about what happens to him or her and thus enjoy the movie.
Such doddering outdated movie concepts are too old school for director Peter Lepeniotis, the David Lynch of children movies. Instead of creating a character we can all like he seems to be set on creating the most unlikable cartoon character since Scrappy Doo. Surly Squirrel has a reprehensible selfish personality, speaks the dialog of a sociopathic mafia hit man, has the voice characterization of a sexual predator (sorry Will Arnett. I actually am a fan of yours but you play creepy jerks the best and thanks to this film I now know it’s mostly your voice), and looks literally like a diseased rodent. There is nothing to like about him and you spend most of the film hoping he gets run over. For that matter why name him Surly unless you wanted us to hate him?
This failure in the art and casting department carries over to the rest of the cast as well. Surly’s best friend Buddy (oh, I see what they did there) is a mute rat who looks like the cartoon equivalent of a meth addict. The girl (not really love interest. No such thing as romance here) squirrel is a shrill version of Surly with a conscious, the bad guy oozes evil on the screen with every syllable, most of the rest of the crew are attempting to see who remembers the Three Stooges, and the human villains are ridiculous caricatures. The only character even remotely likeable was the dog Precious.
Which brings us to another point: the dialog. One of the reasons Precious was likeable was because she was the only animal in this movie about cute animals that was remotely cute and said animal-like things such as “I’m going to lick your face”. The rest of them spoke like cast members of the Sophranos. This disparity between visual and audio I found really confusing and it hurt my brain. If you are going to do cute go with cute dialog and voice characterizations. Don’t discuss your food inventory level like the a scene out of Boiler Room. Are they smart as humans or just dopey animals? The needle kept flipping back and forth, usually just in time to provide a key point to advance the script.
Ironically the script wasn’t unredeemable. If they had stayed away from making this a character study of the character equivalent of a blood fluke and focused on a cool “Animals do a daring burglary and steal a ton of nuts” story it would have been a lot better. However the director has only both written and directed two films; this one and a short called Surly Squirrel. It appears this character is his baby and no one puts baby in a corner. Not on his watch.
Sigh. The story. Surly Squirrel (Will Arnett-Arrested Development, Despicable Me, Hot Rod (as proof of my fandom I did not even have to look at his filmography to pull those three great items)) and his side-rat Buddy live in a park. The park is effectively some kind of socialist food collective (almost a farm for animals of some kind) wherein everyone pools all the food they collect during the summer and rations it out during the winter. This is all done at the behest of Racoon (Liam Neeson-the Grey, Taken, Schindler’s List), who apparently doesn’t rate his own name. Surly and Buddy refuse to participate, taking an every-rodent-for-themselves approach. The rest of the park is dangerously low on food (Missing nuts image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
They spot a nut cart on the sidewalk. Andy (Katherine Heigl-A Big Wedding, New Years Eve, One for the Money. Wow. A trifecta of crappy movies. Why can’t you find something worthy of your talent Katherine? Although based on the rumors I hear regarding your interaction with other movie professionals I could probably hazard a guess) is the local smart squirrel and is sent out with macho yet dumb squirrel Grayson (In case you are having trouble telling all the squirrels apart Grayson is the gray one. Oh wait, I see what they did there. Brandon Fraser-Escape from Planet Earth, Bedazzled, Breakout) to loot the cart but Surly and Buddy beat them to it.
They get into a tiff and manage to ignite the propane tank of the cart, sending it careening into the tree where the park collective has stored all the food. The winter supply is completely destroyed. Surly gets blamed and is banished from the park into the city.
Meanwhile it turns out the guy pushing the nut cart was part of a gang casing a bank for a robbery. They have taken over a nut shop and are using it as cover. Surly spots the nut shop and sees it as his opportunity to eat himself into coma. At the same time Grayson and Andy are sent out in the city in a desperate attempt to find more food. They run into Surly and opt to go in on the robbery together.
At that point the story kind of teeters off. They make multiple attempts (this is where the Three Stooges get channeled in) and make friends with a cute pug named Precious (Maya Rudolph-Turbo, Idiocracy, Bridesmaids) after torturing her with a dog whistle. Turns out one of their park friends is actually evil (Racoon, OK. It was Racoon. Sorry for the spoiler but if you didn’t see that coming you must still be putting your hand in the campfire just to make sure it still burns) and has a bizarre convoluted plan for no apparent reason. There is an epic two level chase scene and a happy ending pulled out of the far reaches of the writers colon.
I don’t do stars and black holes for kids movies. It seems petty and pointless. I would normally judge a kids film by how much the kids in the audience seemed to be reacting but the theater was mostly empty (read into that what you will). I suppose if I were five years old I would enjoy about 15 minutes of it on the nursery television before going off to hit my little sister on the head. Any older than that and I think I would probably be pretty bored. That boredom will increase exponentially as you get older so if mom and dad have to sit through this I hope you brought your beer helmet full of Steel Reserve.
Well, that’s it I guess. This film exceeded the industries very modest expectations so I guess we can look forward to seeing Nut Job 2: Bigger and Nuttier soon. Odds are the industry failed to factor in how desperate parents are for entertainment for their hyper overexposed rugrats. Either that or the sexual double entendre in the title was badly misinterpreted by assorted deviants and the opening weekend was filled with guys in raincoats who left halfway through the movie but were too embarrassed to demand their money back. Should you see it? Meh. This film was basically designed to be bought as a DvD and thrown on the “My God find something to keep that brat distracted for an hour” shelf. As an adult fan of well done kids movies absolutely not. Date movie? No. If she is a kid at heart (or you are in that grace period before they find the right photo of you to put up on the Megan’s Law website) see the Lego Movie (writing that review next). Bathroom break? Any time you see Surly Squirrel about to deliver a monolog about how he is a lone squirrel or something is a great time to boogie. The only scenes really worth watching all have Precious in them.
Thanks for reading. Like I said I just saw the Lego Movie and am eager to write it up but had this thing 2/3rds done and wanted to get it out. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu and post any comments you might have on my review or this film right here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 64 The Tholian Web
Writing these Star Trek retrospectives has a kind of fun Christmas element to them. You see I am a huge Star Trek nerd but not so huge that I have all the episode numbers memorized. I have a general idea which episode was in which season (or at least a 1 in 3 chance of guessing right) but whenever I start one of these I begin by typing “Star Trek Retrospective: Episode XX…” and then look up on Wikipedia I’m supposed to be doing. This is where the Xmas present part come in. Will this one be that massive Lego set I have been begging my parents for all year (Balance of Terror, Amok Time, Charlie X) or will it be a coupon for a free firehose colonoscopy (Spock Brain, And the Children Shall Lead, Assignment Earth) that my doctor is giving me to celebrate my Irritable Bowel Syndrome? (The image I got from our Star Trek T-shirt collection. Apparently there is a whole list of t shirts with episodes on them. Who knew?)
The point is even though firmly ensconced in Season 3 this episode is definitely on the Lego side of the Christmas spectrum. Not the Millennium Falcon set but maybe one of the better Harry Potter ones (I know, I know. Mixed genres. Shoot me). The whole concept of the Tholian Web is super cool, plus the whole cross dimensional concept rules. Also if you have ever wondered what Shattner would look like doing Mime in an astronauts outfit (and really, which of us hasn’t laid awake at night wondering that?) this episode will let you rest easy.
In spite of the fact that he managed to spend most of the episode as a ghost Kirk still managed to ham it up with a prerecorded message to Spock and McCoy and that is one of the reasons all true Trek fans love him. Sorry, there is nothing wrong with Picard. He is easily the second best captain in Star Trek history (as long as you manage to avoid watching Generations).
Dave
Labor Day Review
Most of the labor was getting through this movie.
Image courtesy of the Labor Day Official Site.
Normally as I leave the theater (and sometimes before the film even starts) I have thought of a funny or clever intro sequence to my review (funny or clever in my mind. For all I know I sound like a pretentious idiot. My massive ego will not allow me to believe that, however). In spite of having almost 24 hours to reflect on it this film it has not inspired any kind of wit or cleverness. I guess that is the best way to describe it: not inspired. Flat, predictably, hard to believe, and inconclusive. I’m sure there is some kind of connection to the characters but that connection is lost under a pile of lovey pap and mediocre coming of age crap.
In checking out some other reviewers most of them seem to be shocked that this was done by Jason Reitman, the man behind Thank You for Smoking, Juno, and Up in the Air. However, as a relatively newer reviewer I note that the last movie he did prior to this was Young Adult, a film that I gave the very mediocre score of two stars and one that I think is on par with this one. My best friend says all great directors have only three really good films in them and should retire after the third one (I’m still waiting for Lucas to do his third). Looks like Jason missed the memo.
However I think most of the reviewers out there are actually judging this film more harshly due to the fact that is is Jason Reitman. I mean, it’s not like the film is really dysfunctional. It has a few good moments and if you were feeling lonely and a little drunk you would probably enjoy it by yourself or with the Real Doll of your choice (mine is named Becky). It could even function as a date movie as long as your date doesn’t mind being pandered and condescended to.
One thing I did like a lot was a supporting character played by James Van Der Beek. I have never seen an episode of Dawsons Creek in my life and will happily do a belly flop into a pool full of used syringes and rusty razor blades before watching one, but I got to like him a lot when he played himself in The Bitch In Apartment 23. I love any actor who is so self aware that he can play himself as an egotistical jackass. Either that or he is SO self obsessed that he didn’t realize that he was making fun of himself. In either case I got to like him a lot. That show is actually really great, and for the record I would dive headfirst into the aforementioned swimming pool for the chance to go on a date with show star Krysten Ritter. Kysten, I love you.
Also James has the coolest last name in Hollowood. Van Der Beek. It’s like the first two syllables are this really sophisticated, ostentatious upper class name and then it ends with Beek. How awesome is that? It’s like if the Queen of the Netherlands married Beeker from the Muppets.
Something my football coach used to tell us.
The uninspirational nature of this film I find de-motivating so I will get on with it. Plus I need to see Nut Job in two hours so here is the story (the Nuts image I found in our novelty t shirt category. I expect to use something similar when I get around to writing up the Nut Job review). Adele (Kate Winslet-Titanic, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Revolutionary Road) is a single mother with a strong case of agoraphobia. Her son Henry (Gattlin Griffith-Changeling, Green Lantern, Couples Retreat) is 13 and tries to be the man of the house, doing things like going into the bank for his mom.
While shopping for supplies Henry runs into Frank (Josh Broslin-Oldboy, No Country for Old Men, Gangster Squad), who sort of compels Adele to give him a ride. He asks to go to her house where they find out he is an escaped convict.
Honestly if I were feeling lazy I could wrap up this recap with the sentence He fixes a few things and he and Adele fall in love. That’s pretty much the rest of the movie. He is hiding out and like I said, starts fixing a few things. He was apparently convicted of killing his wife and child under somewhat murky circumstances but Adele doesn’t know that. In spite of all that he manages to make her fall in love with him and bonds with Henry by teaching him baseball.
After knowing Frank for three days Adele agrees to flee with him to Canada. They all pack up their stuff but their escape is hampered by about 800 things that all could have screwed it up, including my favorite Officer Van Der Beek. Meanwhile there is a fairly pointless sub plot involving Henry meeting a girl his age named Rachel (Elena Kampouris-Jinxed, not much else) whom the makeup people decided would be best if she looked like the girl voted Most Likely to Become a Meth Head. He has a a sort of awkward teen romance that goes no where and does nothing for the story.
Also there is this really annoying series of double flashbacks that tells the stories of how Adele got divorced and Frank killed his wife. Oh, yeah, Henry’s father (Clark Gregg-Thor, Iron Man, Avengers) dorks it up too. SPOILER ALERT In the end Frank gets caught and sent back to prison for 25 more years. Henry grows up and becomes Tobey MaGuire (a fate worse than death. Oh yeah Spider Man, Spider Man, and the Great Gatsby) and a pie man. Adele turns into a reclusive cat lady sans cats. The whole last 20 minutes of the film kind of sputters to a flat ending like a leaky balloon. Frank gets out of prison and is reunited with an aged Adele for a storybook ending I guess.
The stars.
I thought all the actors did a decent job. I do like Josh Brolin. He plays the bad ass really well. One star. I’ll give a bonus star for the kid not being super annoying like most child characters. He can actually act. One star. James Van Der Beek. One star. The film accurately captured what living in 1987 felt like without making the mistake of glorifying or making a caricature of it. There were no Members Only jackets. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes.
There was some kind of weird tonal failure going on that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s like the film was an eggshell and inside the egg struggling to get out was a better movie. Reitman does ironic, not romantic. Under that shell I think there was a fledgling ironic film that got smothered. One black hole. Pacing of a garden slug. 111 minutes and you will feel the film was 100 minutes too long. One black hole. In spite of the pacing the story seemed rushed. Who falls in love with a criminal in three days? Some attempt was made to give Adele the semblance of motivation to do so but that part bounced off the wall without sticking. One star. The flashbacks, the teenage love subplot, and pretty much everything having to do with the father really dragged the film down. The flashbacks were borderline surreal and jarring, the love story felt fake, and you wanted to punch the real dad in spite of him secretly being Agent Coulson. One black hole. Another film I suspect I am really going to have to reread this review in order to remember for my 2014 recap. Very forgettable. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So one black hole total. On the down side of mediocre. I don’t know. If you want romantic pap and don’t want to have to think too hard go for it. Otherwise bail. See it at home if you can. Date movie? On paper it looks like it would work but I kind of suspect that if you took a girl to this film she would suspect you are trying too hard (she would be right. Girls tend to be smarter than you think on stuff like this). This film is definitely not superior to buying her dinner and then spending a few hours talking with her at the coffee house. Bathroom break? Hmm. The Henry/Rachel romance contributes next to nothing and there is a long scene where they go on a walk together towards the end that is very missable.
Thanks for reading. Like I said I’m seeing Nut Job tonight. I want to get it under my belt before the Lego Movie comes out (I am really looking forward to that one. It looks hilarious). Look for that review some time tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment on this film or my review feel free to post it here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Thanks and have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 65 Plato’s Stepchildren
“This shield will come in handy when my phaser is fully charged in public, if you know what I mean.”
This one made number 6 on my list of 10 worst TOS episodes and for good reason. Sure, it had the very first televised interracial kiss but except for that the story was kind of crap. Also the kiss was Kirk and as much a fan as I am of him I can’t help but think that was just grabbing the low hanging fruit. If they really wanted to blow some minds they should have had him kiss Spock.
Here’s the biggest thing that bugs me about that story. McCoy figures out that kironide gave the Platonians their telekinetic powers and Kirk has himself and Spock injected with it. They are able to defeat Parmen and the others and then…forget about the kironide deal? No mention of it was made in the next episode. Wouldn’t that be a discovery worthy of a little more research? Or perhaps strip mine the planet down to the core to collect every gram of kironide and create a legion of super TK guys to give the enemies of the Federation what for? Did the kironide wear off by the time Kirk got sped up in A Wink of an Eye or did he and Spock just think it not sportsmanlike to use? Sorry but it really bugged me.
Also while it is amusing and funny to hear Shatner sing/speak Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds there is no way Spock should ever comprimise his dignity by singing. Most of the things that bug me in Star Trek start when they make Spock act completely out of his established (and very cool) character. Yes I’m looking at you, JJ Abrams.
The image, by the way, comes from the many TOS Star Trek T-shirts in our collection. Did Kirk, McCoy, and Spock keep their gifts?
Dave
That Awkward Moment Review
A chick flick with an all chick cast. Reports of a possible Y chromosome were greatly exaggerated.
Regular readers of my blog will know that I often times use it to bitch about my dating life and lament the difficulties encountered while wooing the fairer sex but honestly I don’t often reflect on the issues faced by single women swimming in the dating pool. This movie completely changed that for me because if the the three Manpons that are the main characters in this film are the barometer of what a hot, eligible single guy is then you girls are in a dating hell I can’t even begin to imagine, and the sad part is I suspect most of you don’t even realize it.
Image courtesy of the That Awkward Moment Official Site
I know I am still developmentally disadvantaged when it comes to being attractive to women but I could write a PhD thesis on all other things manly. I’m not talking about killing bears with a sharpened stick (gave that up years ago) and excreting testosterone through my sweat glands at the gym but rather things like comportment, civility, honor, and honesty. I know how a man should act and these guys act like horny catty jr. high school girls.
This is one of those rare films wherein the director seems to be testing the audience to see how much he can make us hate each and every character in it. The “male” characters feel like they were written by women on a lost Amazonian island who had never met a man but only had them described by a visiting cabal of lesbians and ex strippers. The female characters all have the word “doormat” branded into their foreheads and seem ready to forgive any sin as long as it is committed by a guy as hot as Zac Efron. It is a study in caricatures that would embarrass Mad Magazine and I think I can save you all a lot more reading by summing it up with one statement:
“The best part? Seeing Miles Teller (or his stuntman, but one can dream) getting hit by a car. The worst part? The entire rest of the movie.”
To be fair this is one of those films that is going to roast on the BBQ of hate fueled by my own dating bitterness but honestly I think if I were as good looking and successful with the ladies as Zac Efron I would still see this as a crap movie. I’m kind of perplexed as to whom this movie is being marketed to. Guys will hate it because the three characters have about as much to do with maleness as a hot dog eating contest has to do with balanced nutrition and women will hate it because the three main characters are so reprehensible that they should have been stuffed in a sack and dropped in the river like a bunch of unwanted kittens (except I would never in a million years hurt a kitten). They are every woman’s worst dating nightmare and 10 minutes of regret and redemption at the end of the film does not make up for the fact that you just spent the previous 84 minutes wishing this was the intro of Contagion and all of them (and the supporting characters) were destined to die a horrible twitching death.
In looking over his filmography I suppose it’s fair to say I have not be kind to Zac Efron’s career but for Heaven’s sake throw me a fricken’ bone here dude! New Years Day? The Lorax? The only thing on it that looks remotely more pleasant than replacing your contact lenses with little circles of sandpaper are a couple of episodes of Robot Chicken. I honestly believe you capable of being a decent actor. How about finding a script that can prove it?
Before I get into the meat of this review I want to make one more observation. The writer/director of this flick has not a single writing or directing credit to his name prior. How exactly did he get the studio to give him a budget? He has one producer credit for Movie 43 but that’s it. IMDB empty. I’m honestly curious. I have no directing credits but have written hundreds of reviews. Can I get a job as a writer and/or director? If all you need is this dross I can type out stream of consciousness for a couple hours and film good looking guys who need a shave getting laid in situations that porn movie directors would think too ridiculous to use.
I know the story recap is going to bug the crap out of me so I’m going to do it Speedy Gonzales style. If you really need a recap read the first 15 articles you find from Penthouse Forum but stop before you get to anything remotely good or interesting. Two sexual predators and a wimpy loser are best friends from college. Jason (Zac Efron-the Lorax, the Lucky One, New Years Eve) and Daniel (Miles Teller-Footloose, Project X, 21 and Over) are artists who design women’s book covers and go out every night looking for cheap sex. The loser Mikey (Michael B. Jordan-Fruitvale Station, Chronicle, Hard Ball) is an ER doctor who’s super hot wife Vera (Jessica Lucas-Cloverfield, She’s the Man, Evil Dead) is sleeping with another guy and wants a divorce. The three of them swear to remain single together (apparently forever. No time limit was discussed).
They go trolling for chicks and Jason meets and hooks up with Ellie (Imogen Poots-V for Vendetta, 28 Weeks Later, Fright Night). In a situation that would seem ridiculous in a French sex comedy he comes to the conclusion that she is secretly a hooker and is about to charge him for the sex and bails out. That day he finds out she works for the publisher of the book he is about to do the cover for and specifically not a hooker. He charms her with his wit and looks and they start going out, although for the sake of his oath he has to pretend they are not dating.
Meanwhile Daniel has abandoned his usual plan known as “lying to chicks to get laid” and begins hooking up with his good friend Chelsea (Mackenzie Davis-Breathe In, the F Word, Smashed) but also in the interest of their dumb oath hides the fact from the other two wastes of oxygen. She is apparently a super enabler with the self esteem of a high school cheerleader and is totally cool that he is a complete scuz.
Mikey is taking his divorce hard and tries to work things out with Vera to the point of sleeping with her again but again due to the oath can’t say anything to his compadres and therefore tells them all he is sleeping with random floozies, a statement they treat with the relish one would normally reserve for someone announcing that they had cured cancer.
At that point it’s pretty much Sex in the City with penises (maybe). Jason and Daniel treat their women with the respect of a used tissue and Mikey treats the woman who betrayed his trust and slept around on him like his queen. Jason does some romantic stuff but screws up when he fails to show up at Ellies fathers funeral in fear that she will think there is more going on than is really going on (as a note to the writer of this flesh eating virus I and any human with a soul would go to the funeral of a parent of anyone I considered a friend, much less shared DNA with. It’s moments like this that really drive home the hate nails in the coffin that is this review).
In the last 10 minutes (um, spoiler alert I guess, but if you really want to see this and be “surprised” by how it ends let me know how life is in the suck dimension) everyone reverses themselves. Daniel opts to become a committed boyfriend, Mikey decides that his life actually is better as a man slut who sleeps with a roster of women, and Jason makes himself uncomfortable for a couple hours to prove to Ellie that he can be committed or something. The fact that all three of these douches reverses themselves and ends up on opposites sides of good guy/man whore debate once again completely proves that this film has no message or meaning and invalidates any concept you might have had that there was something to be gained by having watched it.
The stars.
There is a moment where Miles Teller gets hit by a taxi cab Joe Black style that was very amusing and a much needed relief from the pressure of my impending aneurism. One star. All the women were hot (at least in the face. More on that later) and in particular I would like to invite Jessica Lucas to be my wife or at least spend the weekend chained to my radiator. One star. Umm. That’s pretty much it. If I thought the film had more value I would find stuff like “It was filmed in full Technicolor!” but obviously I am not feeling that generous. Two stars total.
The black holes.
You will hate every one of these characters, man or woman, with the passion you have for the man who killed your entire family, stole your parking space, or has torn the labels off all your mattresses. Most movies try to make at least one of the characters sympathetic in order for the audience to connect with him or her but obviously this director thinks audience connection is for amateurs. Two black holes. The “comedy” in the rom-com was stilted, hackneyed, and recycled cliches that had very little humor. 
Penis jokes aplenty (most of which make this wiener dog shirt look Shakespearean in comparison. Image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category). Two black holes. The romance in the rom-com felt like it was written by a team of 13 year old boys and 8 year old girls. A little surreal to be honest. One black hole. Because this film had three separate stories no one really felt like the real one and consequently this film had no real beginning, middle, or end. It just bumbled from situation to situation like a bulimic at a buffet with restrooms on every wall. One black hole. It’s got to be bad for me to even notice but the soundtrack and background music literally sounded like it was lifted from 90’s porn. One black hole. If you are male this film will cause your testicles to shrink and be reabsorbed into your body. One black hole. If you are female this film will reinforce every negative stereotype you have about men and in the end make you much more difficult to date, a disaster I put up there with the Hindenburg and Titanic in gravity. If there is one thing I don’t need it’s something making women harder to date. One black hole. Rated R for content and some brief male nudity is the biggest waste of film ever. Dude, dinosaurs had to die to make that film. If you are going to get an R rating because your characters talk about their dicks all day it’s OK to drop the occasional F bomb and maybe show a boob or (dare I dream it?) two. One black hole. In the end a dreary, witless waste of time desperately in need of a fast forward button. Pointless. Two black holes. Total: twelve black holes.
A grand score of 10 black holes. A crap score for a crap movie, yet not bad enough to knock the Legend of Hercules off it’s worst film of the year so far throne. Is there anything worth seeing here? No, not really unless Zac Efron really turns you on and you dream of one day seeing him planking naked penis down on a toilet with a Viagra overdoes (I seriously wish I were joking by the way). YouTube the clip of Miles Teller getting hit by the car and you literally have no reason to see this film entirely. It’s a chick flick that honestly I think chicks will hate. Date movie? Only if this is the last movie on the planet. Even then consider watching the sun set (someone once told me that’s romantic but I’m not sure I believe them) or your clock second hand tick by. Bathroom break? Your options are limitless.
Thanks for reading. I did finally see the Dallas Buyers Club and will probably write it up tomorrow. It will contrast this film in every way if only because it was watchable. Please follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment on this film post them here and off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Thanks and have a great day.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 67 the Empath
This is another episode that was banned by the BBC for sadistic elements and I don’t necessarily disagree with them. It seems an alien race capable of transportation technology would be capable of creating some kind of VR or cloning creatures for their torture tests. How about using some of the other millions of inhabitants of the Gem’s world rather than shanghai some hapless scientists and our favorite command crew? Sounds way more fair. Also Gem’s planet is one of several inhabited worlds in the system but no one seems to be shedding any tears about the other planets. Where they all inhabited by flatulence monsters?
All that being said I do like this episode a lot if only because it shows the incredible loyalty that Kirk, Spock, and McCoy had for each other. Like I said in a very personal Star Trek post earlier most everything I learned as a kid about honor and loyalty I got from TOS and this episode taught me a lot about how to be a friend.
Also Gem (the lovely Kathryn Hays) was drop dead gorgeous and couldn’t speak at all. The perfect woman, right? And I wonder why I have trouble in my dating life. (problem solved image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category) She was a regular on As the World Turns and Guiding Light, but honestly my mom only watched Days of Our Lives so I never got to see her perform. Since she didn’t speak in this episode for all I know she had a high helium squeaky dolphin voice. That might have been a little weird.
Dave
