Lone Survivor Movie Review
Brutally good.
I always feel a little guilty about how much I love war movies where the USA is the coolest and all non Americans can suck it. Intellectually I try to be more open minded and cross political but these movie hearken me back to days or yore when an eight year old boy named David was allowed to stay up late to watch Patton for the fifteenth time with his father. As much as I may or may not support our current government I am proud to be an American and feel an adrenalin rush when I see the guys I was raised to believe were the good guys win.
(The other reason I tend to feel guilty is I know there are guys out there (two of them are cousins of mine) for whom movies where American rules is better than the best porn and are probably servicing themselves to something like this film as I type)
That being said this movie was brutal but good. Watching those brave men die knowing that the film was based on real men dying was heart wrenching. What was even more heart wrenching was having the movie show real life images and video of each of the people killed in that operation. It was like attending 15 funerals back to back.
It was all done very well, however. I love movies that evoke emotions and this one definitely accomplishes that in spades. You connect with each of the men on the screen and will find yourself rooting for and hoping against hope for their survival. Each death hits hard and will leave you appreciating the bravery and camaraderie of these sailors.
The other thing I really liked about this film is it wasn’t just a jingoistic America rules all Muslims are awful experiment in patriotic manipulation. The lone survivor in question only survives due to the kindness and bravery of local Afghan locals who follow the law of Pashtunwali, rules which include hospitality, kindness, and protection of strangers. By including their part the movie shifted the story away from “kill everyone wearing a turban” to a true story about courage and honor. I found that very refreshing and greatly appreciated the open minded thinking that emphasized it.
There honestly isn’t much to the story. Four Navy SEALS (Mark Wahlberg-Boogie Nights, the Fighter, Prisoners; Taylor Kitsch-Battleship, John Carter, Savages; Emile Hirsch-Speed Racer, Into the Wild, Milk; Ben Forster-3:10 to Yuma, the Mechanic, Pandorum) Marcus Luttrell, Michael Murphy, Danny Dietz, and Matt ‘Axe’ Axelson are tasked with bringing down a major Taliban leader in a remote village in Afghanistan. After some pre-mission development (seeing the guys go for a run, have a sort of new guy introduction for some guy, etc) they get the word from their commander and are given the green light. The helicopter in to a remote mountainous region and start hiking in.
Once they get close to the target things start to go wrong. They discover rather than the few Taliban fighters they were told to expect they are facing up to 200. The region messes up their communications and they cannot check back to base for information or orders. They spot their target but before they can do anything three unarmed civilian shepherds (a kid, a teenager, and an old man) stumble across them.
At that point there is some debate as to how to proceed. Without orders to the contrary they opt to do the decent thing and releases the shepherds and scrub the mission. They fall back towards a higher point, hoping to establish communications and effect a retrieval.
At that point they are attacked by the Taliban and are in a running battle for their lives. Part of the problem is they keep falling down cliffs and hills, giving the Taliban a height advantage. They fight bravely but all but Lattrell are killed in turn (the death of Axe was particularly moving). Eventually Lattrell passes out under a rock and wakes the next morning undiscovered.
He finds water and there is picked up by local a local Afghani tribesman (sorry for the lack of credits but except for the four main guys I can’t tell one supporting character from the other). He takes Lattrell to his village and helps nurse him back to health. Lattrell writes a message to the US forces and an older man heads off to deliver it. Meanwhile Taliban forces come looking for him but just before he is to be executed the entire village rises up to save him out of respect for Pashtunwali. Eventually massive Taliban forces attack but are eventually beaten back by the intervention of US forces.
The stars.
A very moving story. Not a ton of character development but even without that you are drawn into the characters. Very well done. Two stars. Based on a real story. Two stars. I was never able to serve but it looks like they tried to keep everything as true to actual SEAL training and traditions as possible. An excellent window. One star. The action was G-damned exciting, made even more so by the fact that you know it was based on a true story and that most of these guys were going to die. Two stars. I liked all the characters. They all seemed like guys I would be happy to know. One star. Overall a great movie experience. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes.
I feel bad even thinking about these but need to be true to you, my beloved reader, and myself. Watching guys die for real is a gruesome experience, and the montage of actual photos of the men killed in the film at the end was hard to watch. I don’t mean that at a criticism and am glad they included it, but I’m just saying it was difficult. One black hole. There are times during the action scenes where you just want to bite your own lip off in frustration. Again, not bad. Just difficult. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand score of eight stars. What a good way to start 2014. Should you see it? Honestly that depends on you. If you are a patriotic sort and appreciate story about bravery and honor sure. However if you think you might find watching these guys get butchered you should probably give it a pass. If you are going to see it go for the biggest screen you can find. Date movie? Probably not. Bathroom break? There is a scene towards the end where Lattrell has to cut some shrapnel from his legs that is both gruesome and not really needed for the story. Hurry back though.
Thanks for reading my first review of 2014 movies. I am working on my list of movies from last year and will try to have my best/worst posts up early this next week. I still need to see Her and Grudge Match, but I really want to see the new Hercules movie. It looks so bad that I might be able to skip writing the review just by vomiting all over my keyboard. I haven’t had a true fish-in-the-barrel reviewing experience in a while and my trigger finger is feeling itchy. (Kevin Sorbo Hercules (the real Hercules) image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirt category) I’ll probably see Her tonight and maybe do two movies tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 70 Let That Be Your Last Battlefield
I haven’t had time to do a lot of movie watching this week so I’m back on the Star Trek stuff.
The third season is universally decried as the worst of TOS in the same way that a banana peal is the worst of the banana. However there are a few gems in there and this is definitely one of them. 
Not only does it have a great message about the dangers of racial intolerance and how miniscule such things really are to outsiders, it guest starred the great Frank Gorshin who played The Riddler in the Batman TV series (Riddler image courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category).
In many episodes there are certain scenes that will always stick with me. The death scene of the Romulan commander at the end of Balance of Terror, the fight scene from Amok Time, Anton Karidian reading the declaration of Kodos the Executioner in the Conscience of the King; these scenes are ones that made a permanent imprint in my cerebral cortex and are the soul of the various episodes. The benchmark scene for me in this episode will always be Bele trying to explain to Kirk and Spock why he is in all ways racially superior to Lokai based on the fact that their faces are black and white on opposite sides. Not only is it a great commentary on human racism it is a good example of how cultures focus on what seems trivial items and elevate them to primary importance’s. In Western culture the focus of attraction is inevitably face, boobs, and butt but in other cultures it can be a tremendously elongated neck, or enlarged lips, or eye folds. It’s kind of surreal. If only Western women would wake up and decide a creative mind, insightful thought process, and high intellect were what is sexy I might actually get laid once in a while.
Anyway, this weekend I’ll get my best and worst of 2013 done. Something tells me the worst is going to be easier to write than the best. 2013 for quality movies was a bit of a dry spell in the same sense that the Sahara desert is experiencing a bit of a dry spell. Looks like Grudge Match slipped my net and now I’m getting pressure to go see Her, so I’ll try to wrap up 2013 this weekend too. Have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 71 The Mark of Gideon
You know as I get into each episode in depth I’m coming to realize how much misogyny was flowing off the screen. I can saw that TNG forward Star Trek was a major contributor to gender equality and women’s liberation, but in TOS it seems every non crewman female is a liar or has some secret agenda.
When you think about it the villains in Star Trek can be broken into two types. The first is the overtly evil and powerful ones. 
These are inevitably male and include Khan, Apollo, Gary Mitchell, Bele, Colonel Green, Parmen, Proconsul Claudius Marcus, and Commander Kor (Bele image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category). The second is the sneak, subversive villain and those almost all are female. Janice Lester, Mira, Deela, Dr. Miranda Jones, Kara, and Leila Kalomi are good examples of this. They are also the villains most likely to change allegiance once faced with the sexual magnetism of Kirk.
The only exceptions I can think of are Mudd, who is a sneaky, conniving man (and also the only male Trek character to wear an earring) and Elaan of Troyius. In both cases the antagonist seems to have exhibited the strength or deviousness normally reserved for the opposite gender (of course Elaan was essentially sold into marriage in what today might be seen as human trafficking).
I don’t know what point I am really making. This episode bugged me. The population of the planet lives for centuries and suffers from massive overpopulation. Have they never heard of condoms? How about if they can build a replica of the Enterprise can’t they use that ship to find other worlds to colonize? This is one of those situations where you have a hard time imagining a technologically advanced society not being able to come up with a solution. I know there were religious and medical considerations mentioned, but if you are packed ass to elbow with billions of other people I think in time that might erode your belief that birth control is a bad thing.
Not a top show and fairly typical of the half assed writing that season 3 seemed to suffer from. Still better than some but not one that I would seek out and specifically watch unless I were watching the whole series sequencially.
Dave
The Wolf of Wall Street Review
Proof positive that there can be too much of a good thing.
Honestly I was going to skip this one but from what I have hear and read needed to see it to maintain my credibility as a reviewer (haw!). Based on the trailers alone it looked to have three things in the top 1/3rd of the Wikipedia sized list of my personal pet peeves: disgusting and ostentatious displays of wealth, guys who get rich by doing no real work, and bad people who fail to get their what they deserve. But imagine my surprise when the thing that bugged me the most was that this opus went three freaking hours!
Don’t get me wrong. This movie is an excellent candidate for my best movie of the year. Martin Scorsese is a true genius and each scene lovingly crafted with flair and edge. Leonardo Di Caprio hasn’t been better IMO and is making up for ground lost on The Great Gatsby. It’s just that once we have established that all of the characters are degenerate, self indulgent, drug addicted scumbags do we really need to see that point reinforced 400 times? 
Trust me, if you have seen one cocaine and hooker party you have pretty much seen them all. It’s not like the next orgy scene was going to reveal another facet of Leonardo’s character that until then had gone unremarked. I have a deep love of pumpkin pie but if I had to eat it continuously for 180 minutes my enjoyment of the experience might pale a little.
Cocaine Fiends image comes courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category.
Plus all the other things I expected to bug me about this film did indeed bug me like a peanut butter and cockroach sandwich. Di Caprio’s character spends money like water and talks about all the poor people (like me) who don’t have moral flexibility it takes to rip people off like we are some kind of idiots. He and his friends get rich by building nothing, doing nothing, and taking drugs and sleazy sex on a daily basis. There is a comeuppance of sorts, but it is so flaccid and uneventful in terms of a life lesson that it might not have even been included.
Scorsese has a love of the criminal lifestyle that translates into no real repercussions for any of his criminal characters. Henry Hill might bitch about being an ordinary schnook, but at least he wasn’t rotting in prison. This movie is extremely similar to Goodfellas, but that is more of an endorsement than a criticism. I love that movies. Scorsese also seems to have some kind of bromance or appreciation of Leonardo Di Caprio. Shutter Island, the Aviator, the Departed, Gangs of New York; if Leonardo didn’t knock it out of the park every time I would say seeing him in a Scorsese film is getting tired. Fortunately he did indeed kill it this time.
SPOILER ALERT In the end the thing that is so off putting for me is the whole moral ambiguity. Leonardo has described this film as “a documentary of a scumbag” and indeed it is. However, it really fails to point out any potential issues with living the scumbag lifestyle. If you are hoping to raise your children to be good people and not do drugs, con money out of people, cheat on their spouses, hire prostitutes on a regular basis, hit women, drive while under the influence, abduct their children, bribe public officials, rat out on their friends, pay cops to beat people up, and encourage everyone else around them to do the same don’t let them see this film. All this behavior would be acceptable in a movie character who pays for his sins but by the end of the film he does three years in Club Fed and gets out still rich and getting richer teaching other people how to be scumbags. Meanwhile the honest hard working FBI agent he mocked about riding home on a stinking subway is shown riding home on a stinking subway. The injustice irks me.
The story is of real life hustler Jordan Belfort (Leonardo Di Caprio-Titanic, Inception, Shutter Island) as he climbs up from being a lower class child through the trenches of Wall Street to become a massive millionaire and douchebag. The film is told in a very Goodfellas style with Jordan breaking in periodically with an expository monolog rather than action or dialog to run the story along (for the record, frequent readers will recall me bitching about monologs in films in the past. However it works extremely well in this film. Scorsese uses it as a tool, not a lazy replacement for some writing or filming). He gets on board with a big company but on his first day as a licensed broker the stock market falls apart and he is laid off. He hires on with a small Long Island firm that specializes in penny stock and shortly realizes that the commissions for penny stocks is tremendously higher than Blue Chips (look at me talking like I know what the hell a stock even is).
He meets Donny Azoff (Jonah Hill-21 Jump Street, Moneyball, This is the End), a local nebbish and hires him to form his own firm in an old auto mechanics garage. He hires a bunch of his old cronies to work with him (Jon Favreau-Iron Man, Swingers, Cowboys and Aliens)(Jon Bernthal-the Walking Dead, Snitch, The Ghost)(P.J.Byrne-Evan Almighty, Horrible Bosses, Final Destination 5)(Kenneth Choi-Red Dawn, the Terminal, Walk the Talk). He trains them to be high pressure sales people and they start pulling in big bucks.
At that part the fun starts up and goes to extremes that would offend Caligula. The next hour and a half is like watching Animal House with more money and less behavior governors. Meanwhile Belforts company catches the eye of easily fooled SEC officials and a not so easy to fool FBI agent Agent Denham (Kyle Chandler-Argo, Friday Night Lights, Zero Dark Thirty). He has a meeting with Belfort where Belfort proves what a top notch ass he is.
At that point the film more or less becomes a funnier Leaving Las Vegas. Belfort does every stupid move possible to wreck his life. SPOILER ALERT His wife Naomi (and my dream wife. She has the looks that could launch 1,000 very horny ships. Margot Robbie-Pan Am, About Time, Neighbors) ends up leaving him. He wrecks his car and then turns around and rats out the very friends who stood by him and actively tried to help him. In the end he does some very soft, short time and becomes a minor celebrity.
The stars.
I know I say a lot of movies have good acting, but the acting in this film was truly exceptional. Leonardo Di Caprio nailed it, as did all the other actors. I especially want to give props to Jonah Hill. That kid can act. Three stars. Direction was flawless. Each scene was like a visual, audio, and mental diamond of perfect clarity. A gem, in other words. Two stars. Martin Scorsese really, really knows how to build characters and get the audience involved with them. One star. All the exceptional camera work you would expect from one of his films. One star. OMG is Margot beautiful, and she and about 100 other women in this film get naked a lot. This film might have gone 180 minutes but it seems like half of that was with hot naked women on the screen. Thank you for understanding that if you are going to get an R rating anyway you might as well bury the needle. Two stars. Based on a true story. One star. Overall a tremendously worthwhile experience. Three stars. Total: thirteen stars.
The black holes.
I know I will end up with another hot coal shoved up my bottom when I get to movie reviewer hell (or they’ll just force me to watch Jack and Jill again. I think I’d prefer the hot coal) for even suggestion Martin Scorsese do anything different, but honestly he could have use his editing pruning shears more often. This film really could have had 30-45 minutes trimmed without losing any of its force or power. This is what Executive Producers are supposed to be for, but no one would say anything to Mr. Scorsese. One black hole. I personally wanted to see Belfort rot in prison and write this memoir from a cell. The life of excess without repercussions were not only a horrible life lesson but lessened the impact of all the bad behavior. A crime in a film has much more impact if you know the character committing it is seriously risking his life and/or freedom, and once it is established that all Belfort was getting was a slap on the wrist all the tension built up over 150 minutes of film kind of drained away. One black hole. I got used to it fairly soon but Leonardo was rocking a Long Island wise guy accent that kind of ground on me. It was the only part of the film that felt fake. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of 10 stars, a very good score for me. This is definitely in my top three for the year and might take overall (I’m working on my end of year recap and ranking). Should you see it? Yes, absolutely. The visuals do not demand a theater but to support good films you should go. Date movie? Honestly no. Too many naked hookers, dysfunctional relationships, and STDs to make a girl feel comfortable getting naked with you. Take her to see something a little more innocuous. Bathroom break? This is an important one as you will need it by the end of the three hours (plus some kind of dopey extended trailer for Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit. Is it really necessary to run your 12 minute segment in addition to all the other trailers, popcorn ads, and interminable turn of your cell phone notices on top of a three hour movie?). Unfortunately there aren’t any scenes readily dismissible. I suppose the sex scene towards the end of the movie after Belfort is busted is probably your best bet. Margot keeps all her clothes on for this one (damn the luck) and the result is reiterated over the next ten minutes. Hurry back though.
Thanks for reading. I just have one more 2013 movie to see (Grudge Match. I thought I would round out 2013 on a low note) and then I will do my top and bottom movies. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be left her while off topic suggestions or questions can be emailed to [email protected]. Have a great night. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty Review
Pleasantly innocuous.
I mean that subtitle as both a compliment and a criticism. If you are looking for a pleasant feel good movie about a weird introvert who finds love and a life with the thin veneer of sophistication so you can at least look like you see movies with slightly more depth than Parker you need look no further. If you don’t mind someone touching your suspension of disbelief in what might be considered an inappropriate manner than you will most likely enjoy this film and go home with a farm fuzzy feeling and snuggle up with your sweetie with a warm cup of cocoa.
If, on the other hand, you are like me and sleep every night in a cold, lonely bed by yourself under the harsh prison lighting of reality and were hoping for a little more artistic integrity in your story and some kind of meaning behind the meaning than you might go home disappointed. By the way, I really can’t make my next couple points without some serious spoilers, so if you want to see this movie and not hate me (any more than any of you already do, especially if you are women apparently) then skip down to the recommendation paragraph and find out where I found the most appropriate place to use the restroom. For the rest of you SPOILER ALERT!
The main point of the story this movie comes from is Walter Mitty is a boring dude who lives a fantastic fantasy life in his imagination. While they showed some of that in the first 30 minutes (Walter leaps into a burning building to save the life of a dog, has a superhero-esque battle with his jerk boss, etc) once they got into the meat of the story that whole point was dropped entirely.
The thing is, all the adventures Walter were having felt exactly like one of his fantasies. If this film had wanted to maintain its depth and integrity it would have ended with Walter snapping out of a particularly long zone out back in NYC just unpacking the film for the last cover of Life Magazine. It was the weirdest feeling for me. As the movie was spooling down I found myself at the same time sincerely hoping for and dreading that ending. I had connected with Walter and wanted to see him advance as a human but the ridiculous nature of his coincidence riddled adventures left me knowing that if they turned out to be anything other than a fantasy I would be disappointed. 
As the credits started rolling with Walter fully transformed from nebbish fantasy guy into super stud action star I knew that an opportunity had been missed to create a great film in favor of creating something that people would enjoy (Clark Kent to Superman image courtesy of the Comic Book T-Shirt category).
I would be willing to bet they filmed the artistic integrity ending, showed it to whatever crowd of sheeple they could round up at the local Waffle House, and scrambled to edit it when everyone said they didn’t like how it ended. It’s just that all the elements of a massive fantasy were there; the bizarre shark attack, the use of his one great skill in life (skateboarding. More on that later), the missing his guy by about 100 feet when the volcano (oh, yeah. A volcano) goes off, the guy who bails him out in LA is some dude he spoke to on the phone a couple times at eHarmony, everyone seems to speak English, the rampant deus ex machina, etc. The film seemed to be headed straight for a massive twist but at the last minute opted to stay on the path to Mundania.
Oh, well. They can’t all be Johnny Handsome, right? The story is of Walter Mitty (Ben Stiller-Zoolander, Tropic Thunder, The Watch), a Negative Asset Manager at Life Magazine (but that I mean he manages film negatives). He frequently zones out into a fantasy world where he does amazing things and/or rescues dogs, only to snap back to his reality. He is very attracted to his coworker Cheryl (Kristin Wiig-Bridesmaids, Paul, Despicable Me) but has never spoken to her. Life is about to be closed down and Walter had some bad encounters with interim boss and all around jerk Ted Hendricks (Adam Scott-Parks & Rec, the Aviator, Step Brothers), who plans on laying off most of the staff.
Down in the negative vault Walter receives that last roll of film ever from acclaimed photographer Sean O’Connell (Sean Penn-Colors, Milk, 21 Grams) with a gift wallet and a note that slide 25 is his best one ever and worthy of being on the cover of the very last Life Magazine. However the slide is missing. Ted wants the slide and so Walter starts looking for Sean, first by talking to Cheryl as she does something having to do with photographers (? Not sure what that was for). He finds out that he was last in Greenland and one of the photos includes a picture of a fishing trawler, so Walter jumps on a plane.
At that point it’s pretty much Joe Verses the Volcano except with Walter instead of Joe and, you know, no human sacrifices. There is a volcano involved. Walter climbs aboard a helicopter with a drunk pilot, jumps into the sea, gets attacked by a shark, skateboards down a long hill, barely survives a volcano, and goes on other wacky adventures. The coincidences pile up like casualties in No Mans Land in WWI lending the entire film another layer of surreality. He finally catches up with Sean only to discover he was close to the truth all the time.
The stars.
Walter Mitty was a compelling character and well played by Ben Stiller. Two stars. If depth were not the goal of this film it was very well executed. One star. Some really good film work, with great locations all over Iceland and Greenland. One star. Most of the rest of the cast was great as well. One star. Paced very well for 114 minute movie. One star. In general not a waste of time. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes.
That whole real or not issue left the movie feeling totally unresolved. Either it was all a fantasy or it was pretty much pandering. It was set up to disappoint me either way, so I guess one black hole that I don’t feel really good about. This next one is petty but I know too much about skateboarding to let it go; a fairly complete misunderstanding of the difference between longboards and short boards and their relative application. You CAN kickflip a longboard. You just really don’t want to. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
So five stars. Decent, but I honestly hoped it would have more meat on the bone if you know what I mean. Again, if you aren’t looking for City of Lost Children I’m sure you will enjoy watching it. In spite of some of the great location footage I don’t see any compelling reason to see it on a big screen. At home on your TV should be fine via the legal media distribution channel of your choice. Date movie? Yes. Good romance, Walter is a dork that you will probably compare favorable to, and a warm feeling for her to carry home. Bathroom break? The scene where Walter gets fired and goes to Cheryls house is a good element but not critical. Feel free to skip it but come back fast.
Thanks for reading. I will try to go see Grudge Match later tonight and that will wrap up my 2013 movie docket. After that I will do my best, worst, and funny mentions lists. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review please leave them here, and if you have off topic suggestions or questions email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 72 That Which Survives
Lessons can be learned from this episode about not trusting beautiful women who want to touch you for no apparent reason. Of course, I think I would be willing to risk death if a beautiful woman wanted to touch me for any reason up to and including felonious assault so I don’t know if that lesson sank home. However, if you were of a misogynistic nature you would be right at home with this episode and would probably have been a red shirt who survived, unlike poor Wyatt, D’Amato, and Watkins.
Ironically Sulu managed to survive his death touch indicating he might have some immunity to her powers. Given that George Takei is more or less immune to all the female blandishments I guess it makes sense (for the record I am a huge George Takei fan. You should friend him on Facebook. Also if you haven’t had the chance listen to him on the Howard Stern Show. He is awesome). For those of us into women our sex drive could literally be the death of us.
I think this episode used some cool low tech filming techniques to not only show up the three of the hotty (played by the stunning Lee Meriwether (Catwoman from the TV Batman series)) but the two dimensional line transporter was pretty cool too. They didn’t have the massive special effects resources we enjoy today but they did what they could.
By the way I just spent a lot of time looking at Losira images. Good God was she hot. I did a post about why Star Trek women were so stunning a while ago. Lee definitely was on there. Love her costume too (that’s a hint if any hot women are interested in stalking me at the next Star Trek convention in Las Vegas). Not sure if why the felt the need to cover her belly button though. Seems like an odd issue to have. I don’t have any Star Trek t-shirts with Lee on them, but this image is a perfect example of why Star Trek was such a force in the advancement of women’s liberation (It’s OK if McCoy treats these women as objects. You see they were androids and therefore technically were objects. It’s mixed messaged I grew up with like these that made me the well balanced individual you see before you now.)
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 73 the Lights of Zetar
This was one of the episodes that literally freaked me out at age six. When they get on board Memory Alpha and that crewman has the weird face and is speaking like she is gargling gravel I was truly frightened. This one and Devil in the Dark did a number on me.
In reflecting on this episode it suddenly occurred to me that Scotty is literally the kiss of death for women in this series. He is the only red shirt to consistently survive yet every time he gets close to a girl something horrible happens to her. In this case Mira managed to survive but still it was pretty awful. When you think about it he was acquitted of murdering all those women in Wolf in the Fold but maybe he just found a dopey alien patsy to dump his crimes off on. Sure the alien more or less confessed but perhaps it was Scotty who had the ability to compel aliens to do his bidding and secretly he really is a serial killer (Loved and Lost image from the funny t shirt category).
That’s one episode that was never really addressed in any Star Trek; humans being the uber powerful aliens on a planet with some evil power that terrifies the locals. What if human halitosis caused alien flesh to dissolve, or dead skin cells flaked off implanted in alien soil speed grew up into super soldiers ready to do whatever random red shirts bidding. Sure, the idea of technology and social progress changing primitive societies was explored in A Piece of the Action, A Private Little War, Bread and Circuses, and Patterns of Force, but what if humans just had some intrinsic power that would be terrifying to behold? Considerable argument could be made that Kirk exuded some pheromone that makes alien women take their clothes off.
Anyway, this episode was weird but not really of massive social or personal impact (aside from giving me a lifelong distrust of disco lighting). It was the originator of Memory Alpha, the top Star Trek Wiki and one that I personally refer to often. Of course, given our current social situation when we do a giant star base for all knowledge it will probably be called Google Alpha.
Dave
American Hustle Review
Reports of Amy Adams being nude are grossly exaggerated.
She is definitely wearing revealing outfits and shows enough cleavage to lose a Mini Cooper in (I hereby name her Queen of the Side Boob), but the overriding reason convincing me to see this film over any of the other ones was completely incorrect. All my bad feelings with regard to the 70’s had nothing to mitigate them.
Well, aside from a well crafted and acted film. The cast is extremely talented, the filming definitely had that greasy “I wish I could take a shower” 70’s feeling to it, and the story was refreshingly complex in a way that forced me to engage with the screen but not just complex for complexities sake (cough cough the Counselor cough cough). The story comes from the Abscam sting that the FBI did back then and the complexity stems from that bizarre case. In general a well executed film with some really good acting.
Is it Oscar material, however? In a different year absolutely not, but since Hollywood seems to have been kicked in the head at the beginning of 2013 and has produced the biggest crop of dross in decades probably. The movie is not without its issues and for the sin of making me look at 138 minutes of hair and clothes that I hate (with the exception of Queen Side Boob) I will detail them.
First off, were the story were not based (somewhat) on real events I would say it was long, unfocused, and wanders back and forth like a drunk meandering down a street of bars looking for a drink after last call before passing out behind some garbage cans (in a lesser film I would have said dying in a pool of his own vomit. See, I’m being fair). A certain amount of leeway is given due to the real nature of the source material, but there were a number of points where I found myself wishing for a fast forward button. SPOILER ALERT Also the big hustle that the movie seemed gearing up for from the beginning turned out to be something the main character cooked up in the last 20 minutes to save his own ass. The film seemed to be leading to some huge Usual Suspects-esque scam and really it all turned out to be the guy taking advantage of a minor mistake made by the FBI.
Second, in an effort to be more like Goodfellas the film has a voice over monolog (something that actually generally annoys me. In film show me don’t tell me. I’m not listening to a book on tape). However in this case it is two different monologs done by Christian Bale and Amy Adams, switching back and forth without warning. The net effect is similar to listening to a couple on the Jerry Springer show start talking in their rational voice about how they each want to sleep with the others mother before the inevitable meltdown and all hell breaks loose. Just when you have forgotten it and are into the story the two of them break in again to jerk you out of your seat.
Thirdly, the original scam that Christian Bale’s character was running seemed so lame and ass backwards that it made the first 1/3rd of the movie seem super fake. Who pays some random guy $5,000 for a loan with no guarantees of any kind (adjusted for inflation that $5 grand is worth today $17,873.39)? I know hustlers are supposed to go after stupid people but there is stupid and then there is dumber than a sack of hammers stupid, and once someone on the screen shows themselves to have their heads so far up their own ass they can smell their breakfast you stop connecting with people. No one wants to see baby seals getting clubbed. This was the only real plot hole in the film and it wasn’t huge, but at the time it sat weird with me like swallowing a golf ball.
Finally, while I appreciate the physical dedication Christian Bale puts into his roles (if you want to see what I’m talking about watch the Machinist) I didn’t need to see shot after shot of his gross pot belly and chest hair. Once the fact that he was out of shape was established let him put a shirt on. (Anorexia image courtesy of the cheap t shirt section and for extra irony is available in up to 7XL)
All that being said this movie is pretty good. It has all the elements that I wish Hollywood would use as a template for future films. Just not the right flavor for me, like a delicious salad made with tons of tomatoes (I don’t like tomatoes), or the super hot girl everyone is horny for but I am not because I used the bathroom after her and she bombed it.
Dammit, I just had my WordPress bomb out and lost about 700 words. I’m going to rush the story recap if you don’t mind. It is the story of hustler Irving Rosenfeld (Christian Bale) and his mistress Sydney Prosser (Amy Adams) and the scams they got into with the FBI. They start off ripping off morons with the dumbest scam ever (seriously Pull My Finger has more credibility) but get caught by FBI agent Richie DiMaso (Bradley Cooper). They agree to help him round up other white collar crimes, starting with New Jersey Mayor Carmine Polito (Jeremy Renner), who is trying to line up funding for the rebuild of Atlantic City. They create a fake Arab Sheik and manage to suck in a bunch of Congressmen and a Senator. They almost get in with the real mafia represented by Robert Di Niro but duck that bullet. Scams are scammed, and in the end you feel like justice was never really done.
The stars.
The cast was amazing and the acting brilliant. Really worth seeing for that if nothing else. Three stars. The story was nicely complicated and managed to engage my brain. Two stars. I managed to care about all the characters on one level or another. This is the sign of a good director. Two stars. While Amy Adams never got naked she sure showed a lot of skin and between her and hottie J-Law (haw!) there was enough eye candy on the screen to almost make up for all the man gut we had to look at. One star. Filming style and sound track (i.e. none for a while and then a great classic rock song) really captured the 70’s feel and was in it’s own way brilliant (I wonder how Christian Bale got along with the DP?). One star. A good movie and worthy of my time. Two stars. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes.
The pacing seemed ploddish and I was feeling every one of those 138 minutes. It honestly could have ended at any time past the 100 minute mark and I would not have been surprised or disappointed. One black hole. If rampant overuse of monologues were one of the signs if the Apocalypse I would advise you to make your peace with God. One black hole. Man gut a gogo. One black hole. That one stupid plot hole kind of spoiled the first 30 minutes. It was just on the bad side of annoying. Not paint drinkingly bad, but maybe vinegar? One black hole. Total: four black holes.
So a grand total of seven stars. Good movie, worth seeing. Just not my cup of tea. For the record normally I would ding a movie like this for making me look at the clothing and hair equivalent of a sucking chest wound but since this film is at least on the short list for some kind of 2013 award I thought I should keep my personal bias out of it. If someone does a more suckstastic 70’s movie I will come down twice as hard. The 70’s sucked. Anyway, see it if you are so inclined. Date movie? Maybe. I don’t know. There was romance but nothing in this film will warm her heart. In fact you end up feeling kind of bad about how it ends. I’d say see it with your snotty Oscar Night watching friends. Bathroom break? The scene of Richie at home is pretty disposable IMO. His mom and fiance appear out of the ether for five minutes and then vanish into the night like a mysterious Spanish gentleman leaving love notes and a rose on your pillow.
Thanks for reading. More to see soon (Grudge Match, you’re on deck). I hope your New Year finds you happy and hale. I sincerely wish all my readers the best in 2014, if only because you are individuals of rare and discriminating taste and therefore need to prosper. If you want to join an even more rarefied strata of society follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be left here, while off topics and questions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon, and have a great Holiday.
Dave
P.S. Normally I just crank out my best of the year right away but this year I am going to pretend to be a real reviewer and see as many of the films that actually came out in 2013 (rather than just the ones I happened to see) so need a few days to catch up. Look for it in a week or so.
Saving Mr. Banks Review
Ever wonder just how amazing Walt Disney was? Well now Disney is here to show you!
It is fair to say I see more than the average amount of movies and that after a while they all tend to blur together like cats in a tree shredder 
(I joke, I joke. I really do love cats. The finest moment image, by the way, is one my my favorite new shirts recently added to the funny t-shirt collection. Awesome). However, it is a bad sign when I saw this movie the night before last yet when I sat down to write this literally had to look up what movies were playing in order to jog my memory as to what movie I had seen.
Not to say this movie is bad. Like most Disney movies it is extremely competent and accomplishes its goals of tugging your heartstrings and showing how cool and likable the founder of their company was. However, every move on the screen seems clearly calculated to accomplish these goals and in the end the cliche and almost robotic nature of the film greatly lessened the impact. I definitely felt emotions at times but at the end of the film I could almost hear the flushing sound as my brain evaluated the experience and determined that the memory was not worthy of taking up too many brain cells. Fun, interesting, and well executed but at the end of the day eminently forgettable.
I think the forgettable nature of the film is exacerbated by the fact that there is no climax to this film. It glosses over Act One with a simple expository scene, lands comfortably in Act Two like a sea lion flopping on the beach, and proceeds to wallow there for the entirety of the film. The movie ended at what seemed the appropriate moment but the story advanced at a plodding pace, grinding forward inexorably towards the end we already knew was coming and counting on the talents of the cast to keep the audience engaged.
That being said the talent of the cast was considerable. I am a big fan of Tom Hanks and he inhabited his role like he planned to retire there. Emma Thompson was brilliant as P.L. Travers and the rest of the cast nailed down their roles admirably. Directory John Lee Hancock did the Blind Side, but on the other hand he did Snow White and the Huntsman so I can’t tell if the good parts of this film stem from his direction or if the strength of the cast carried the entire film.
The story is of writer P.L. Travers (Emma Thompson-Brave, Love Actually, Nanny McPhee) being cajoled into selling her rights to Mary Poppins to Walt Disney (Tom Hanks-Saving Private Ryan, Forest Gump, Big). Honestly that’s the story in a nutshell. Mrs. Travers doesn’t want to see her beloved Mary Poppins get turned into a farcical cartoon and is withholding the rights until she is comfortable with the script. Meanwhile a second story is being told through flashbacks about her as a young girl in Australia with her father (Colin Farrell-Total Recall, In Bruges, Seven Psychopaths). He has a drinking problem but dotes on his daughter. Mrs. Travers keeps flashing back to her childhood and it becomes apparently pretty quickly that the book was written about her experience as a child with a nanny.
Walt hooks her up with a talented writer (Bradley Whitford-Cabin in the Woods, Scent of a Woman, Billy Madison) and two songwriters (B.J. Novak-the Office, Inglorious Basterds, Knocked Up (he was in that? I don’t remember him there) and Jason Schartzeman-Rushmore, I Heart Huckabees, Fantastic Mr. Fox). She universally dumps on everything they hope to create and is in all ways a real pain to work with. Walt does whatever he can to make her sweet but to little avail.
Meanwhile she develops a friendship with her driver Ralph (Paul Giamatti-Saving Private Ryan, Private Parts, Rock of Ages) while the story of her childhood advances to the inevitable conclusion, the death of her father (as an aside, talk about plucking low hanging fruit. Getting an emotional response from people by showing the death of a little girl’s father is akin to watching me get rejected by introducing me to a girl I like. This part felt pretty heavy handed). Mrs. Travers finally has enough and flies home to England, only to have Walt Disney show up at her door . They finally make a connection and she signs over the rights. The film then ends in the most exciting way possible, watching Mrs. Travers and the entire cast in a theater watching their movie. The end.
I’m not saying this film should have ended with a car chase and an explosion (although that might have been nice. How about Mrs. Travers turns out to be a Terminator sent back in time by Skynet to kill Walt Disney? Talk about blowing a few brain fuses in the audience) but I was definitely feeling the lack of a true denouement. The whole thing kind of rolled along the tracks and into the station right on time. Oh well.
The stars.
Like I said, you can’t really do much better for a cast. Everyone was dead on, especially Tom Hanks. Three stars. The story was interesting, and if reasonably accurate I know feel like I have a better understanding of cinema icon Walt Disney. Now instead of seeing Disney as a soulless media conglomerate bent on world domination I see them as a soulless media conglomerate bent on world domination founded by a really nice guy. One star. The early 60’s doesn’t suffer from the burning personal hatred that the Summer of Love receives from me and I thought as a period piece it was extremely well executed. Plus I love all the cars. One star. The filming in particular helped capture the times, so I will award another for the camera work. One star. In general worthy of my time and money. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black hole.
Like I said before, the lack of an ending leaves you nodding your head and saying “Yep, that was a movie and it’s over now”. One black hole. Pacing was sluggish and were I less engaged in the story downright boring. Again, car chases are not required but something mid movie to liven things up would have gone well appreciated given that this film runs a whopping 125 minutes. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
So a grand total of six stars. Like I said, not bad. You won’t feel like you wasted your time. If you are a fan of Disneyland or any of the Disney movies you will probably get a lot out of it. Oh, yeah, I guess fans of Mary Poppins should go. Never saw the movie myself. Too much singing and dancing makes me want to punch people. However this film was pretty much made to watch on your home screen so feel free to skip the theater experience and just use the media streaming option of your choice. Date movie? Maybe, but honestly this film really feels more like the film you take your mom to see. By the way Mom if you are reading this you should go see this movie. Bathroom break? Pretty much any of the script writing scenes that do not directly involve Walt Disney are mostly development filler. Towards the end there is another scene where Mrs. Travers is chilling back in England waiting for the premier that could be missed too.
Thanks for reading. I was going to go see Grudge Match tonight and spew all over it (looks horrible) but then my best friend told me that American Hustle features Amy Adams nude so I’ve had to reevaluate my priorities. I only hope that is enough to overcome my intense dislike of the ’70s. Look for my review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @nerdkungfu, and if you feel the need to express yourself with regards to this film or my review feel free to do so here. Just don’t mention fake Louis Vuitton bags, which is what 90% of the comments I get do. If you have an off topic question (6’5″, 235lbs SWM) or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you tomorrow. Happy New Year!
Dave
47 Ronin in 3D Review
Everyone seemed to hate this movie. I don’t know. I kind of liked it.
This movie got a miserable 12% on Rotten Tomatoes and a quick scan of other reviewers have it listed as out of genre, boring, unfocused, and underwhelming. In reading the reviews I can see a lot of the things other reviewers have taken issue with, but the fact is as a fan of fantasy films, sword and sorcery, and samurai culture I found myself reasonably entertained. I think I vote more with the audience, who gave it 63%. (47 Ronin image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt collection incidentally)
That’s not to say this film was great or even really good. It tanked horribly and if you aren’t t total nerd you might find a lot of it completely wrong. I think it fair to say if a studio sinks $150 million into a production having them come out with just plain mediocre is tantamount to a crime. Since I kind of skipped right past my annoying detailed analysis in the last review let’s dive into the reasons why I think this movie is floundering.
First off, while the writer has a couple decent credits (Wanted, a lot of the Fast and Furious franchise) he has no real history in a period piece, nor in a film with more import than fast cars are cool and you can’t fight fate. I don’t even want to drop the entirely in his lap. It looks like the studio decided they wanted a film with significance otherwise missing from their lineup and then hired the guy who wrote Tokyo Drift to develop it. This is like deciding you want to throw a fancy dinner party and bringing on the fry cook from the local McDonalds to prepare your food. I’m sure the fries would be delicious but you can’t really blame him when the filet mignon doesn’t really garner mass praise from your guests.
Secondly, this movie makes the cardinal sin of straddling the fantasy/reality fence and ends up with a fence post stuck in its ass. Magic works well in the Lord of the Rings (a movie that clearly “inspired” this production BTW) mainly because Middle Earth is a land of magic and fantasy, with elves, dwarves, trolls, etc. 47 Ronin is sent in feudal Japan and calls back to that fact all the time, but once your brain gets set into reality mode a witch casts a spell or magical bird monks show up. Shifting gears back and forth too often hurts the brains of the audience. Would you really want to see an episode of Sons of Anarchy end by Jackson casting a spell on a rival gang? No, that would be completely out of place. This is especially aggravated by the complete lack of explanation of what the magic is about and who is doing what. If you are going to have magic in a period piece you need to at least attempt to ground it in some kind of established and universally understood lore (voodoo, pact with Satan, eye of newt, etc.). The sad part is the magic added absolutely nothing to the film and really only served to justify the 3D and keep the CGI drones employed.
Before I go into my third point let me preface it by saying I don’t hate Keanu Reeves. He has been responsible for a number of films I have enjoyed a great deal (Matrix, Speed, Devil’s Advocate). However I will say he tends to have a fairly wooden delivery and when he is matched up with a cast comprised entirely of stoic Bushido samurai the film stops looking less like a movie and more like an Animatronic historical reproduction in a new ride at Disneyland. The audience needs a character to identify with and it is far easier to identify with someone showing strong emotion. This was a truly missed opportunity, in that had they cast someone who was the completely contrasting mien emotionally it not only would have given us a protagonist to identify with provide a great context to better understand and appreciate the samurai. This was done very well in The Last Samurai I think, and could have been done well here.
Finally, a lot of people say it was slow and boring but I honestly think the pacing was perfect for showing the culture behind the story. I thought there was plenty of action and as a cultural exploration not a bad experience. I didn’t have a problem with it.
There was one thing the movie did well but that many other people might not have liked is they didn’t “Hollywood” up the ending. I don’t want to spoil it but I kept waiting for the plot to suddenly swerve off the path it was traveling and land in the great unwashed trailer park that is most movie denouements. Unfortunately there is a reason cheesy endings work in mainstream film and the box office return on this movie might be an indication. This bodes ill for future artistic integrity.
Anyway, the story. Kai (Keanu Reeves) is a half breed found by local Japanese lord Asano (Min Tanaka-Return, No Beginning, No End, Kyoto Story) and is raised in relative kindness along with the lord’s daughter Mika (Kô Shibasaki-One Missed Call, Go, Crying Out Love in the Center of the World). He is disliked by all the samurai including Oishi (Hiroyuki Sanada-the Wolverine, Rush Hour 3, the Twilight Samurai) the lord’s right hand man. They all think he is a demon. Their land is beset by a magical beast that Kai helps kill. The creature was summoned by a witch (Rinko Kikuchi-Pacific Rim, the Brothers Bloom (Boom Boom!), the Sky Crawlers) who was working for Lord Asano’s rivel Lord Kira (Tadanobu Asano-Battleship, Thor, Ichi the Killer).
Asano is hosting a tournament for the Shogun (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa-Planet of the Apes, Pearl Harbor, Mortal Kombat) but the witch casts a spell on Asano’s champion. Kai takes his place against a giant in armor but after he loses the Shogun realizes he is not a samurai and shames Asano. That night the witch casts another spell on Asano, making him attack Kira and shaming him further. The Shogun orders Asano to commit seppuku, leaving Miko to marry Kira and Oishi and the rest of the samurai as ronin.
Eventually Oishi finds Kai as a slave and rescues him. He collects the rest of the ronin and they cook up a plot to take revenge on Kiru. They need weapons and so Kai takes him to the demon/birdman/monks who raised him. Battles are fought, Kai fights the illegitimate love child of Falkor the Luckdragon and Cthulu, and the Shogun shows the world what a dick he is.
The stars.
I thought it a decent movie that kept me at least engaged. One star. The costumes and culture were spot on as far as my ignorant ass knows. One star. Sword fights are always cool. One star. Samurai are also very cool, and they managed to avoid the pitfall of including ninjas in this one. One star. The girl who plays Mika is super hot if you like gorgeous Japanese girls (which I do). One star. Massive props for giving us the ending the story needed, not the one that most American audiences would have wanted. Three stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes.
There was a lot of stuff that this film didn’t need and detracted from the story. Magic, dragons, mystical birdman monks. One black hole. The whole unresolved fantasy/reality question, which was exacerbated by film techniques more appropriate for sci fi in my opinion. One black hole. Wooden acting all around, some intentional and some accidental. One black hole. No explanation or understanding was given for the super giant samurai working for Lord Kira. Was he mystical? A demon? A big dude who never took off his armor? A big woman who never took off her armor? For some reason that was really bugging me. I wanted to know more. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of four stars, which for me is the upper end of the mediocre range. Worth seeing? If you like fantasy movies and/or are into feudal Japan sure. It won’t be a waste of your time. For the rest of you meh. You can take it or leave it. If you are a Keanu Reeves fan maybe, but with the beard he had you don’t even realize it’s him most of the time. However if you are going to see it try to see it on a big screen. 3D wasn’t awesome but did add some. Date movie? Probably not. If she is not into the culture this might put her to sleep. What little romance there was was stunted at best. Nothing here that will really flip the average girls switch.
By the way, if you are a regular reader and look for the whole date movie or not part of my reviews know two things: 1) this is based on my understanding of the average girl and in no way could be considered specific to the individual you are dating and 2) my own success rate in the world of dating is on par with the success rate of dried spaghetti being used to break down a concrete wall. It would be safe to assume that my actual understanding of the average girl is pretty limited (based more on what I read or see in movies than anything else) so take my advice for what it is worth.
Anyway, bathroom break. Nothing jumps out at me but if I were to pick a scene the one where the witch is trying to force feed Mika with her tentacle hair doesn’t do much of anything.
Thanks for reading. Lots to see right now and I want to get more done in time for my end of the year review so tomorrow might be a two movie day. Now that Xmas is done I have time to get caught up. Follow me on Twitter if you dare @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be left here and suggestions or off topic questions should be sent to [email protected]. Have a great day and I will talk to you soon.
Dave
