Anchorman 2: the Legend Continues Review
3/4 of a great movie.
I admit it right up front I never saw the first Anchorman. At the time I wasn’t doing reviews and honestly movies set in the 70’s give me a queasy feeling. Actually most period movies set in times when I was alive kind of bug me for some reason. One of my therapists once told me I have a fairly extreme case of narcissism (in case you couldn’t tell by reading this blog) and one of the symptoms is I tend to be trapped in the moment emotionally. There is no past or future only the everlasting now. This tends to make me not be very nostalgic and fairly dismissive of past eras (it also makes me suck at forward planning, but plans are for suckers). My opinion of the decades that I have been alive can be summed up as follows:
60’s = Smelly hippies.
70’s = Bad hair. Bad clothing. Bad music. Bad porn. Everyone smoked.
80’s = High School Hell, the Musical. More bad hair. Leg warmers. Dolphin shorts. Mostly bad music (with some really great music). Fear of dying of AIDS.
90’s = Grunge. Beavis and Butthead. Trial of the Century. Massive apathy.
00’s = Reality TV. My mom meets the internet. Paris Hilton. The lost decade. Hanging chads. Fear of dying in a terrorist attack.
10’s = Still in progress, but the prognosis is not great.
Bottom line doing a period film set anytime between 1959 and now is a sure path to me missing the film from a massive fear that I will be reminded of how much American culture sucks. I skipped the first film but have heard so much about it I decided I needed to see the sequel. Is it fair to judge a sequel without having seen the first one? To that question I answer with an emphatic maybe. On the one hand I never fell in love with the characters and could very easily be missing a bunch of the jokes; on the other hand all movies should stand on their own merits. Nothing I pay $12.50 for should have a prerequisite.
(As an aside, I’d like to offer a marketing tip to team at Paramount Pictures: if you are going to release a sequel to a film it might just behoove you to have the original available on NetFlix in the months prior. I seriously was looking to watch it but there’s no way I was going to buy it on DvD, have no interest in Hulu, and Amazon Prime can officially bite me. Had I been on the fence about seeing this film watching the first might well have pushed me over to the watch it side.)
Anyway, Anchorman 2. Very very funny for the most part, although the whole thing took a left turn in the last 20 minutes down a dark alley and got mugged and violated by the Ridiculous Fairy. I’ve seen this before in Will Ferrell movies; he has a comedy gem and is writing gold but in the last 1/3rd of the film he feels the pressure of the building comedy crescendo and ramps the story up to the next level, bursting through the stratosphere and leaving the audience desperately scrambling for oxygen.
I have no clever insights or amusing anecdotes sparked by this film, so let’s just get into the story itself shall we? Ron Burgandy (Will Ferrell-Zoolander, Megamind, Casa di mi Padre) and his now wife Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate-Married With Children, Up All Night, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead) are now in NYC as TV newscasters. 
They get called upstairs by head anchorman Mack Tanner (Harrison Ford-Star Wars, Indiana Jones, 42 Kiss a Wookie image courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirt category), who promotes Veronica while at the same time firing Ron. This leads to natural conflict as Ron can’t let his ego go and leaves Veronica with is young son Walter (Judah Nelson-Portlandia, Adopting Terror, Major Crimes).
He ends up back in San Diego MC’ing the show at Seaworld (one of the funniest scenes IMO) when he is approached by Freddy Sharp (Dylan Baker-The Cell, Spiderman 2 and 3, Trick or Treat), a news producer for the newly formed all news network GNN. Ron signs on and they goes on a quest to find his old news crew and bring them back. He finds insane sportscaster Champ Kind (David Koechner-Thank you for Smoking, Get Smart, the Office) selling “Chicken of the Cave” at a fast food place, reporter Brian Fontana (Paul Rudd-Role Models, I Love You Man, the 40 Year Old Virgin) making a great living as a cat photographer, and psychotic introvert weatherman Brick Tamlan (Steve Carell-the Office, the 40 Year Old Virgin, Crazy, Stupid Love) at his own funeral. They each have a great piece of the collection montage and then go into a slow motion RV crash that had me holding my sides laughing.
Once in NY Ron gets the 2am time slot and has a bad run in with head anchorman Jack Lime (Dames Marsden-X-Men, Superman Returns, Enchanted). They bet on who gets the highest ratings that day. Ron and his crew work to put together a show and come up with all pro-America, dogs, and sports bloopers. He wins the bet and is skyrocketed to the top of the network. Meanwhile Ron is having trouble with his estranged wife and his relationship with his son.
At that point the story starts to unravel. Will Ferrell gets trapped in the “Wouldn’t it be funny if…” loop and ends up going blind, bottle feeding a baby shark, and gets into a massive melee with every news organization of the 80’s. While each one of them had their funny moments the story, which until then had felt fairly cohesive, devolved into a bunch of SNL skits.
The stars.
Honestly very funny. There were a few moments when I felt pain from laughing so hard. Two stars. There isn’t a single actor in this film that I haven’t been a fan of at some point in the past. Even the bit characters had talent pouring out of them like a lot of stuff pouring out of something in a comical euphemism (I honestly drew a blank right there. I guess I can’t be brilliant every night). Two stars. The woman playing Linda Jackson (Meagan Good-Brick (ugh. Not my favorite movie for personal reasons), Think Like a Man, Stomp the Yard) was making me really wish I wasn’t so inept in the dating world, if you catch my drift. One star. I was also very impressed by Christina Applegate. Why hasn’t she done more since Married With Children? One star. I will give a bonus star for RV wreck and another one for the Chicken of the Cave scene. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes.
The movie got pretty stupid by the denouement in my opinion. One black hole. A lot of the film hinged on the audience having seen the first film and that is a mistake in most sequels. One black hole. I think that’s about it. Two black holes.
A grand total of six stars. A funny, fun movie. However nothing on here really demands a big screen (the RV wreck maybe but that’s it) so feel free to wait for the alternate media outlet of your choice. This film kind of screams “Quiet movie night with your significant other on the couch” (guess it’s a good thing I saw it in a theater then) so do it that way. Date movie? Sure. Nothing really off putting in here, none of these guys are super studs (maybe James Marsden, but his screen time is limited and his character is a d-bag) so you won’t suffer in comparison, and if you play your cards right you might be able to get her laughing so hard her clothes fall off (another case for movie night on the couch). Let me know how you managed to pull that off. Bathroom break? Honestly the final battle scene (yes, battle scene) could be totally missed (unless you have a burning passion for satire at the expense of 80’s news broadcasting) but that is kind of towards the end. The bottle feeding baby shark scene was pretty much entirely to give Ron a line later on in the film so I’d say that is your best bet.
Thanks for reading. I also saw 47 Ronin recently and will write that up soon. Follow me on Twitter (or don’t. Most people don’t so join the crowd) @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be left here and off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. I hope your Holidays are going super good, and in case I blow off the next few days have a Happy New Year (Is 2013 over yet?).
Dave
The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug in 3D
The Desolation of Tolkien
I have been watching a lot of Supernatural lately. I thought it would bug me and have avoided it to date but have discovered it actually quite fun. I think the main thing that kept me from watching was the fact that “I’d like to buy a vowel” McG is listed as executive producer and I’d rather support a new Black Plague before his film career (for lack of a better term). However it turns out you cannot do as much damage to your audiences upper brain functions as a TV executive producer then as the director of a really crappy movie. (Smaug image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category)
If you haven’t watched the Winchester brothers solve their paranormal Ghostbusters-esque mysteries than you should know about half the time the villain turns out to be the angry spirit of a long dead human. This spirit usually died in violence or deep emotional distress, although occasionally it is some kind of betrayal or failure to uphold a principle that has angered it. I honestly think that in the world of Supernatural these Hobbit movies would motivate the ghost of J.R.R. Tolkien to rise up from the grave and gruesomely murder everyone involved with the production and distribution, right down to the ushers at the theaters.
The Lord of the Rings movies were a true hommage to the spirit and story of the series. Peter Jackson took the rather dense and florid prose and crafted a wondrous tribute that cut out all the dross and left us with a glorious experience. In the Hobbit it appears he took all that dross and cultivated it in a fermentation tank, growing it to massive proportions and rancidity. He then took his product and injected it into a fairly light children’s dungeon crawl, bloating it to elephantine size and mobility. Bottom line, like trying to wear a condom as a stocking there just isn’t enough material to cover the subject. Tolkien never intended the Hobbit to be as critical and important as any of his other books and in truth seemed to want it to just be fun.
(Note-if any of you blowhards want to tell me that a lot of what is in this movie came from the Silmarillion let me remind you that TOLKIEN DID NOT WRITE THE SILMARILLION! After his death his son collected all his notes and composed them into another money grab. By the way, if you are looking for a challenge try actually read the Silmarillion. It is some of the worst writing ever and if you manage to finish it be sure to stop by the mens room of your local Greyhound station to collect your prize as the Most Boring Person of the Year)
That being said it is a distinct improvement over the first Hobbit. It is more cohesive, has (some) improved character development, and none of the CGI looked like animated Colorforms glued to the inside of the camera lens. However, where this film is a distinct improvement is not in what it has, but rather in what it has not. Let me illustrate:
No singing.
I guess Peter took a moment to actually watch his first film and realized that the dwarfs singing was not going to win any Grammys or start a new musical revolution. Perhaps he heard the gestalt consciousness of humanity screaming in pain as he subjected us to his slow motion eardrum assault.
No Aragorn.
This film wears the characters and situations of the LOTR films like a teenager pasting his pubes to his face in order to simulate facial hair so he can get into a nightclub. I suspect the producers have had many serous meetings over the fact that the title of these films does not actually have the words “lord”, “of”, or “rings” in it (fortunately the word “the” is covered) and based on the assumption that we are all complete inbred idiots feel the need to constantly remind us of the fact that this movie comes from the same source material. This is done with the grace and subtlety of a car battery electroshock treatment to the testicles and gets increasingly annoying as the series progresses. Rumor has it that Viggo Mortensen was approached with some flimsy pretext for including him in this story but wisely decided that was just stupid. Would that Orlando Bloom had made the same decision.
No Gollum.
See above, but I could easily see them shooting a scene where Gollum leaves the Misty Mountains in despair searching for his precious. You know, in case we forgot that he later throws Bilbo under the bus with Sauron.
No mismatched voices.
Remember how in the last film the Goblin King sounded suspiciously like an Oxford professor rather than an actual goblin? I don’t know about you but that voice really took me out of the movie. In this film the voice of Smaug sounds as completely evil and bad ass as you could ever hope to have happen. Props to Bernard Cumberbatch on that.
Less Radagast.
It’s ironic that Radagast’s color is brown, as he is the literal turd in the punchbowl of this series. Like George Lucas with Jar Jar Binks Peter Jackson finally listened to the audience and opted to keep his presence to a minimum, although again like Lucas he still opted to crowbar a cameo in as a big F you to the audience for not falling in love with this animal excrement sodden countenance.
Less Azog the Defiler.
I guess the producers decided since they already had one ginormous super villain with a cool, evil cultured voice in Smaug they didn’t need to keep shoving a character who had no actual part in the book back in our faces. Like Radagast he makes an appearance but then hands off chasing of the dwarves to one of his hench-orcs. For the record most of the villains the dwarves encountered in the book were just rolls on the Wandering Monster Table, but again I guess our soft brains would never accept a goblin army just showing up at the end of the story to steal gold without some connecting master villain. Also this way they can have the battle include a mighty duel where Thorin is almost killed but manages to vanquish Azog (SPOILER ALERT (maybe) note-in what will undoubtedly be a black hole in the next movie when they redo the end of The Return of the King with Thorin as Aragorn, Thorin is mortally wounded at the Battle of Five Armies and dies. Anything else will infuriate me).
So that is what didn’t annoy me. However, experienced readers of my blog will know that I revel in pointing out what sucks, so let’s talk about the things this movie did that made me dream of a better day when film audiences can electroshock writers and directors with the touch of a button in the armrest of the theater seat. This include pretty much everything bad the first movie did that I didn’t mention before plus some. Here are some specifics:
First off, the forcing in of every single character and reference from the LOTR has reached a saturation point, where the references start to crystallize and collect on the bottom of the beaker. Legolas has no business in this film. Gloin never mentioned his son Gimli. The necromancer was a minor subplot and by the way WAS NEVER SAURON. On that same note they brought in Galadriel to do the evil rising opening monolog like this is part of another world encompassing dastardly plot, not chapters 8-15 of a 153 page kids book. For that matter, the forcing of gravitas into what is essentially a pretty light story didn’t do much more than distract from the plot.
All of the characters seem to suffer from some kind of super good sportsmanship brain aneurism where they have the ability to totally overwhelm their opponents at any moment but instead opt to use their secondary talents or abilities. It’s like bringing both a gun and a knife to a gun fight and then choosing to use the a rag ball on the end of a rope you grabbed from a homeless person. Smaug suffered from this the most. He had about 10,000 chances to incinerate both Bilbo or the dwarves but only opted to use his fire when there was a handy wall for them to hide behind. The rest of the time he opted to chase them or be readily distracted by other dwarves. If you read the book (a question that I think could be put fairly to Peter Jackson) you will recall that Biblo stayed invisible the whole time he was talking to Smaug in a wise choice to not be flambeed, but here he thinks the best move is to stand in the open for his dialogue with the fire breathing dragon. Fortunately his stupidity is matched by Smaug, who opts to just talk with him for a while.
I know why they did this, by the way. They wrote themselves into a hole in the LOTR by making anyone wearing the Ring transport into a weird black and white alternate universe where you for some reason you cannot hear normal sound but hear strong wind and/or the screams of the damned. Again, the people making this film don’t think we are smart enough to understand that the Ring gains in power as Sauron does, and was therefore a much more difficult and dangerous thing to wear in the later books but fairly innocuous in this one. This is where movie scripts fall apart IMO. When protagonist and antagonist start doing things that are clearly stupid like not use their inviso-ring or burn a thief to a cinder at the first opportunity then we the audience stop connecting to them, thus forcing us out of the story. No one wants to identify with a character who is flat out dumb, and when the main villain shows how stupid he is the tension bleeds away.
Anyway, another thing that bugged the hell out of me was the battle between the dwarves and Smaug. If you recall the book the dwarves more or less spent the entire time around the Lonely Mountain skulking outside while sending in Bilbo to five finger some gold. There’s no way we can have that in this epic so the obvious answer is to have an battle resembling the illigitamate offspring of a Scooby Doo episode mated with The Three Stooges in Orbit (that’s Curly-Joe Three Stooges BTW) with the delivery doctor being the prop guy from the Three Musketeers. How long do you think it takes to craft several dozen hi explosive grenades from raw material? According to Peter Jackson about 30 seconds. It also takes about 30 seconds to fire up smelting furnaces that haven’t been used in decades and pour a giant gold statue of a dwarf that sublimes directly into liquid somehow (I guess the dwarfs also MacGuvyered up a small nuclear reactor while making the grenades) to spew molten gold all over Smaug.
This fight scene is actually insulting on a couple of levels, not just the one that is a punch in the balls to a true Tolkien fan. You see, it is established fairly early on in the film that Bilbo and all the dwarfs are effectively immortal (SPOILER ALERT again, sort of. In the book in addition to Thorin both Fili and Kili die in the final battle. I’m curious to see if that holds true) and that point is reinforced about 1 minute into this battle with the very first of many highly improbable narrow escape, making the whole episode a mutual masturbation session between the CGI guys and the DP. It becomes a huge waste of time and all we are looking for is what trick the writers will have come up with for the final escape. I honestly got bored.
However, each of these movies has to end with some kind of epic battle and Tolkien was not kind enough to write in yet another one in chapter 12 (I guess he didn’t realize his intro book was due to be made into 11 hours of film. How lacking in foresight) so they had to crowbar in something.
I could go on but I’m already at over 2K words and have been finding writing this almost as much of a grind as watching it. I’m going to skip the story recap. Read chapters 6-12 in the book. Should take you less time than the 161 minutes this film runs. Spiders. Elves. Dwarves. Bear-man. Wizard. Orcs. Dragon. Movie call backs. Blue balls ending.
The stars.
I will say that Smaug, up until his worthless battle against the dwarves, was in all ways truly bad ass. Great CGI (assuming you like brown and gold), and his voice and dialog exceptional. Two stars. The scene between him and Bilbo was the best in the film (when you think about it, the scene between Biblo and Gollum in the last film was the best as well. It almost makes you think that when they stick to the actual story they get the best results…). One star. Casting was in all ways good, although that might be a carry over from the last film. Still, one star. As bitter as I am about this whole series I am still a huge Tolkien fan and love being back in Middle Earth. One star. The barrel chase scene was kind of fun, even if it had way too much Orlando Bloom for no reason. One star. The spiders were kind of cool, although if you stuffer from arachnophobia you might want to take a long bathroom break. One star. I normally don’t give stars for movies that just suck less than the previous one, but this one was a distinct improvement over the first one. Also no singing was huge. One star. Total: nine stars.
The black holes.
Oh, where to begin? Forcing in every single reference and character from the LOTR series (guess what? The Nasgul show up for some reason) into this film like a drug mule getting paid by the ounce for as many heroin filled condoms shoved into his assorted orifices. Two black holes. SPOILER ALERT a bonus black hole for making the Necromancer turn out to be none other than…Sauron! Yes, he makes his appearance almost in the flesh for…some reason? It’s things like that that make me wish he had won at the end of The Return of the King. One black hole. Apparently the sexed up inbred lowbrow apes that we the audiences are cannot see a film without a hot chick and some kind of romance so they invented a girl elf who falls in love with…a dwarf. Yes, it’s that sad. Not only does that not stem from anything Tolkien wrote but goes against every bit of common lore associated with dwarves and elves ever in the myth and history of this world or any alternate world you want to name. Also completely unnecessary. Two black holes for being extra insulting. Remember the Black Arrow of Bard the Bowman? How it was his lucky arrow that he had inherited from his father and never failed him? Now Black Arrows are magical ballista bolts that at one point were crafted at will. I don’t know why this bugs me so much but it does. One black arrow, I mean hole. While there was less of Radagast he was still there and a turd in the bowl doesn’t have to be big in order to ruin the punch. One black hole. The fight scene at the end between Smaug and the dwarves was dumb, dopey, and totally worthless. One black hole. Pacing was kind of awful. The dwarves head into Mirkwood and in the course of about 1 minute go from well equipped and put together to Tom Hanks in the second half of Castaway. In the book there were weeks of travel and a slow degredation. One black hole. The grenades were annoying, and WTF was the golden statue deal? Was it liquid that was held in place by the “magic” of the dwarves or was it solid that somehow had 100,000 pounds of white phosphorus hidden inside? Why were the dwarves crafting a giant gold bomb statue anyway? One black hole. The 3D did nothing except lighten my wallet a little more. One black hole. Trying to make the story of the Hobbit into something way more important that it ever was. One black hole. Continuing to stretch this story in a blatant attempt to get more money from us. Say what you will about Harry Potter or Twilight going two parts but at least they were both based on full length novels. One black hole. And finally SPOILER ALERT in another case of massive cinema blue balls the epic battle of Smaug destroying Laketown (or Dale) that I was more or less hoping for ever since the last film failed miserably never happened. The film ends with Smaug in flight towards Laketown. Remember how in Star Wars one of the main reasons we all kept going was to finally see Darth Vader in all his glory and all we got was a 30 second scene where he utters one line and one word and then throws a Force temper tantrum? This is on par with that, and on par with Peter Jackson channeling the energy of whatever demon possessed Lucas. For this alone go screw yourself Jackson. Two black holes. Total: fifteen black hole.
So a final total of six black holes. This has been literally my most painful review to write to date. I really, really want to like these movies. I love the LOTR movies and all Tolkiens books. I actually saw this over a week ago and have been grinding through this. My motivation to finish is at an all time low. Should you see it? I say with utmost grudgingness yes. If you are a fan of the series you will need to see this, if only to see how bad it is. However, I feel exactly like I did the first Hobbit; now that I have seen it I feel no need to ever see it again. The LOTR movies I rewatch with compulsive regularity but this one has no replay value. I find myself resenting the brain cells dedicated to remembering it. See it if you are a fan and then move on. Date movie? Only if she is really into Tolkien and hobbits (if she is only into hobbits I hate to break it to you but you have a whole slew of other problems on deck). Bathroom break? Most of the scenes in Laketown before the dwarves head to the Lonely Mountain are totally expendable in spite of Stephen Fry’s best efforts.
Ugh. I need to see something to wash the taste of that one out. I’ll go see Anchorman tonight. Thanks for reading, and thanks for being patient with me on this. I know it has been a while. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you agree or disagree with me feel free to post a comment here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
Frozen Movie Review
Blandtastic.
I guess the honeymoon for the marriage between Disney and Pixar is officially over. You know how it is. When a couple first gets together the husband lets the wife pick the restaurant, 
choose the shade of white for the living room, and drive the car once in a while but after a year or two he’s decided the best place for her is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen while he smokes cigars, watches football, and makes movies with princesses in them.
(If any of you want to speculate on the nature of my own relationships based on that last statement, chances are that you would be at the same time completely right and completely wrong. Game Over image is from the Funny T-shirt category)
Not to say that Frozen is bad. It has a number of mixed messages (which are at times at odds with each other) but is pretty to look at and has a lot of singing (more on that later). If you gave the writers the assignment of creating a kid film with as many princesses and collectable toys in it as possible I’d say they did an admirable job. This is going to end up one of those reviews where I am at odds with the masses of legitimate reviews, but something about this film just left me cold (haw!).
For one thing, is there an occupation in the Disney world for a cute young girl other than princess? I mean, surely the housekeeper and peasant women at some point were hot teenage girls who had a magical romance where they fell in love and procreated without the benefit of a palace and ballroom. I laughed at the end of Wreck it Ralph when Vanellope turned out to be a princess but honestly it is to the point of being a creepy, psychotic obsession. It’s like a middle aged single man who has a massive ceramic clown collection.
Another thing that bugged me was a couple of the messages. Sure, there was a great one about sisterhood and standing by your family, but the youngest of the two princesses sole stated goal in life was to fall in love and get married. Not exactly empowering. Definitely not the accepting of your own nature message that was so great in Wreck it. Is it possible that there might be a teenage girl in a Disney film who wants to go to college and accomplish something other than fall in love, or maybe just smoke a lot of pot and become the worlds best twerker?
That’s not totally fair. There was a good message about acceptance in this one as well, and the importance of not being a closeted shut in. A lot of it felt recycled from other films however and this really wasn’t the vehicle to carpool these messages to work.
There were some things that did bug me in definable ways. The trolls, for one thing. A more blatant ploy for selling toys you will not find, and they were truly annoying (as well as unnecessary). Yes, I know this film is for the kiddiewinks and I am an ass for even reviewing it, but a good kids film should entertain all ages. I could see WIR once a week and enjoy it. Anyway, the trolls sucked. What did they look like, you ask? Take a troll doll, squish the aspect ratio down vertically about 20%, and color them green. Done.
Finally, the singing. You know how in the Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast there are classic songs that work themselves into the movie seamlessly and you can hear them even now and not only know what film they were from but exactly what scene? I’m a dude of massive machismo and even I can recognize Be Our Guest and tell you exactly what was happening while it was being sung (truth be told, put a gun to my head and I could probably recite most of the lyrics. No amount of coercion will get me to actually sing it, however), or Under the Sea. No danger of that here. Instead of songs that enhance the film the music is forced into the film with the subtlety and painlessness of a garden hose catheter and are mostly the characters singing their dialog instead of speaking it. I honestly can’t remember one of them. They all blur together into a mediocre montage. The people singing them didn’t impress me with their pipes either, although to be honest I am not much of a musical talent myself unless playing the radio counts. I just know what I like.
The story. It starts off with Princess Anna (Kristen Bell-Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Veronica Mars, When in Rome) waking up her older sister Ilsa (Idina Menzel-Rent, Beowulf, Enchanted) so they can play. Ilsa has magical cold power for some reason and can manifest ice and show. While playing she accidentally shoots Anna in the head and freezes her brain. Her father and mother the king and queen take her to the local trolls, who look like rocks until they unroll themselves. The head troll (Ciarán Hinds-There Will Be Blood, the Road to Perdition, the Woman in Black) cures her and also erases her memory of Ilsa’s powers for some reason (?). Ilsa has to shut out Anna and hide in her room trying to control her power.
Skip forward a couple years and the king and queen are “lost at sea” (cough cough dead cough cough. Have fun explaining that to your kindergartener). Ilsa and Anna live almost alone in the shut down palace until Ilsa comes of age and is made queen. She still can barely control her power and has to wear gloves all the time. At the coronation party Anna meets Hans (Santino Fontana-Jersey Shore Gone Wild, Submissions Only, Nancy Please), a handsome prince. They hit it off and ask Ilsa for permission to marry after knowing each other for like two hours (another great message for your kids). She wisely denies permission but Anna argues. During the course of the argument Anna gets a glove and Ilsa unleashes her power, freezing over the countryside.
Ilsa runs off into the cold and creates a pretty spectacular ice palace. Anna goes after her and leaves Hans in charge. In the woods she meets up with Kristoff (Jonathan Groff-Taking Woodstock, the Conspirator, C.O.G.), a professional ice seller who is now in need of employment. She hires him to help her get to her sister. Along the way they meet up with a living snowman Ilsa created named Olaf (Josh Gad-Jobs, Love and Other Drugs, 21) who is along for the comedy relief. They get to Ilsa but she ejects them with the help of a terrifying snow monster she also created.
Hans leads an expedition to find Anna and capture Ilsa (the whole country is frozen over and everyone is bummed) and mixes it up with the snow monster. Two dudes sent along by a two big bad duke (Alan Tudyk-Firefly, Tucker and Dale vs Evil, Wreck it Ralph) try to kill Ilsa and she defends herself. During the course of the fight Anna gets ice zapped in the heart. Kristoff takes her to see Trolli who says only an act of true love will save her. They rush back to the palace where Hans has Ilsa locked up and he turns out to be a power hungry jerk (why is it chicks always dig the bad boys?). Conflict ensues, Ilsa learns an important message about the power of true love and sisterhood, and Anna finds her heart is elsewhere.
I don’t know. This is one of those films that in my opinion the total value does not equal the sum of all its parts. It has the elements needed. A princess or two. Check. Cute sidekick characters. Check. A hunky romance. Check. A bad guy who is not too threatening. Check. Singing. Check. Some magical visuals. Check. I have seen other reviewers call this one another Disney classic but honestly I don’t see it. It’s good but not amazing. A couple years from now it will be just another one on the pile. I don’t think they will be remastering and rereleasing it 25 years from now. Of course with kids films I skip the star/black hole thing and just go with how the kids in the audience react, and to be honestly they all seemed to be loving it. From that perspective this film is nigh flawless and perfect to help your kid kill a couple more hours of his or her childhood. I just don’t think you the adult will be as entranced.
So worth seeing sure. Maybe my dissatisfaction stems from my cold, dead heart but in truth there are plenty of kids films that I love. Date movie? Absofreakinglutley. If you don’t have kids but have a chick you are trying to thaw (haw! again) you can’t pick a better film. Bathroom break? Nothing really jumps out as being truly necessary or unnecessary. Maybe the scene at the trading post?
Thanks for reading. I still have Oldboy to write up but for some reason am not that motivated to work on it. I’ll try to get it done tomorrow. I double dog dare you to follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Who wants to be my 200th follower? If you have a comment on this film or my review post it here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
Homefront Movie Review
With bonus Jason Stratham game!
Another movie that disappointing me by not being as horrible as I expected, based on other reviews and past experience. I guess even I can be surprised. The disappointment, however, comes from the fact that I was all prepared to dump my pent up bile and frustration at my own dating life on the movie of a guy who probably does pretty well with the ladies, Jason Stratham. Now I have to give it an honest review.
Of course, the parts I liked had little to do with Mr. Stratham. And don’t mistake my opening for a rousing endoursement of this film. It is at best an above average action movie. It’s just that in my opinion it does not deserve the 32% rating my “fellow” critics (most of them would be highly insulted that I put myself in their exalted box, but I am free to delude myself as much as I like) gave it on Rotten Tomatoes (on the other hand the 70% audience rating seems a bit generous). Normally these modestly above the mean films make for pretty boring reviews, so to spice thing up I think I will start off with a game I invented called “Write the next Jason Stratham movie”. I’m sure at some point in your childhood you have done Mad Libs, so you should be able to play pretty easily. Just fill in the blanks and I’m sure Fox or New Line will green light it.
“Jason Stratham plays an ex (cop, military, or criminal of some kind) who wants to get out of the life and settle down with his (female relative or significant other of some kind) someplace quiet. He has a few tender moments with her but then randomly runs into (local criminal, mafia, or rogue agent/military). The antagonist acts aggressively but Jason (shoots or beats up) him and (a number between 3 and 10) of his henchmen.
The antagonist goes back to his (crime boss, superior officer, older more powerful relative) and the boss decides Jason is a threat. Meanwhile, Jason investigates the group by (asking around town, calling old associates, or finding a nerdy computer hacker) and then confronts the lesser antagonist and (tries to make amends or threatens him). His romance is kindled further with (significant other or local hot chick with heart of gold).
Jason gets captured by the antagonists and is (water boarded, tortured, or threatened) but manages to escape when the bad guys (leave him alone with some loose tools to escape with, don’t tie his legs, or untie him in order to show they can beat him in combat) rather than just shoot him. He (shoots or beats up) (a number between 3 and 6) of the henchmen and gets away. As he escapes his female relative is kidnapped by the bad guys while his black friend who helped him earlier is killed.
He finds out where they are keeping her by (capturing the wimpiest of the bad guys and forcing it out of him, arousing the sexual desire of the antagonists girlfriend with his bald bad ass good looks, or by having his computer hacker friend or former associates track them somehow). He collects a (trunk full of guns, homemade explosives, or a crossbow) and assaults the bad guy stronghold like a one man wrecking machine, killing (a number between 14 and 50) henchmen. He runs into the lesser antagonist in a (warehouse floor, warehouse roof, or warehouse basement) just as he runs out of (bullets, crossbow bolts, or throwing knives) and they have to fight with (bare fists, a pipe, or a fire axe). Jason wins by (breaking the guys neck, pushing him off a tall building, or impaling him on a pipe and then breaking his neck).
Finally he finds his female significant other being held at gun point by the head bad guy with a waiting (helicopter or boat). All seems lost but then the female (stabs the guy with a hidden knife, stomps on his foot with the stiletto heel he made her put on, or bites the hand that he has wrapped around her neck). He loses control of her, allowing Jason to (shoot, stab, throw off a building) him, thus saving her and putting a stop to whatever nefarious (drug deal, world threatening espionage, or arms deal) the guy had cooking. The end.”
See, you all thought writing these things was hard.
I think what I just illustrated is how simple most of these stories are, and this one hit every mark. At that point the only thing distinguishing one formulaic action film from the next is the quality of the characters, and that his honestly where Jason fails to deliver. He pretty much acts like a pissed off terminator through the majority of the films, and I’ll tell you in advance any of the scenes involving him alone with his daughter is the perfect time to run out and use the bathroom, flirt with the concession girl, or just step outside and appreciate the wonder of being alive on this planet. The rest of the cast more or less makes up for his robotic delivery.
One more thing before I get into it. I guess the director of this film made the mistake of seeing Spring Breakers and realized as I did that the only redeeming thing in that film (aside from hot girls in bikinis, I mean) was James Franco playing an Everglade hillbilly and opted to write that into this film in the role of Gator Bodine, only without the flare. Also, is it even remotely possible they could have found a more stereotypical name for this guy? This is almost as bad as creating a bad guy out of thin air between two sequels and just calling him General Grievous in case you missed the point (that he is bad).
The story. Honestly I just gave it to you up above. Jason Stratham (Parker, the Transporter, Killer Elite) plays Phil Broker, an ex DEA agent who is wanted by a biker gang and moves to a small town in Louisiana with his ten year old daughter (Izabela Vidovic-Zombieland, Home for the Holidays, Grave Secrets). She gets into a fight with a school bully (Austin Craig-no other credits) and kicks his ass. His mother (Kate Bosworth-Superman Returns, Straw Dogs, the Warriors Way) is a meth head with a temper and wants revenge. Jason ends up kicking the ass of her wimpy husband (Marcus Hester-Looper, Lawless, the Conspirator), embarrassing her in front of the town.
She goes to her brother Gator Bodine (James Franco-Spring Breakers, The End, Oz the Great and Powerful), local drug manufacturer and sort of bad ass. He looks into Phil and discovers that he was DEA. 
He opts to sell him out to the biker gang with the help of his girlfriend (Winona Ryder, looking super hot in a dirty way. I’ve always had a thing for her. Edward Scissorhands, Girl, Interrupted, Black Swan. The scissor hands diagram comes from the Movie tshirt category). At that point just follow the Mad Lib. Jason gets captured and beat on, escapes, the bikers come to kill him, his daughter gets kidnapped, yada yada yada. Don’t come to this film looking for surprises.
The stars.
While the story was flat and predictable, if you treat it like the serving platter to deliver a decent meal of mundane food on it was nigh perfect. One star. Action was decent, and at no point did my disbelief feel a lack of oxygen. One star. James Franco was pretty good, as were most of the rest of the local color. Kate Bosworth kind of tore it up as a psychotic meth addict. One black hole. I’m definitely going to give them a star for using Clancy Brown as the sheriff. Oh, who is Clancy Brown you ask? Only the Kurgan from Highlander. You suck if you did not know that. One star. Another star for Winona Rider. I’m always glad to see women who turned me on as a high school student still looking super hot. Also she was pretty good here. One star. In general this film did not suck in the many ways that I expected it to. It was actually fun to watch. Two star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes:
The story was indeed flat and predictable. If your doctor has prescribed no surprises in your life this is the film for you. One black hole. Jason Stratham really is stuck with exactly one character in all his movies (well, all his movies not directed by Guy Ritchie). He still has the five o’clock shadow clause in all his contracts too I noticed. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
So a grand total of five stars. Not bad, really. You could do worse by a lot. Credit to Sylvester Stallone. While formulaic he definitely knows what works in an action film. If you are looking for fun without a lot of brain exercise perfect for you. Date movie? Meh. If she’s into action films sure but otherwise the romance and the little girl are not enough to keep her engaged I think. Bathroom break? I already told you, any of the one on one scenes with Jason and the little girl.
Thanks again for reading. I’m seeing Oldboy later tonight and will write that up tomorrow I guess. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to leave any comments on the film or this review here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion email it to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Delivery Man Movie Review
It didn’t quite NOT deliver.
Have you ever met a person of the gender of your sexual interest and are totally attracted to in spite of the fact that all of your previous experience, logic, and just common sense should in no way be into? I’m not just talking about good girls wanting bad boys (you girls can all blame your fathers for that) but rather someone who is so far out of your normal scope of attraction that you find yourself questioning your base foundations?
My best friend and I have a term for this phenomenon and that is “strangely attractive”, as in “In spite of the fact that I want to hate that girl with the burning passion of 10,000 suns I find her strangely attractive.” Vince Vaughn is strangely attractive as an actor. The lists of reasons why I should hate him and his movies is more than extensive, but for some bizarre reason I find his films appealing and entertaining. It is one of the great movie conundrums, like why do Adam Sandler movies make money, where the f&$% did midichlorians come from, or why did the nerd community not come together and declare a fatwa on Joel Schumacher after Batman and Robin?
Unfortunately Vince Vaughn’s bizarre, inexplicable appeal was not enough to carry this film all the way through. This film looks like one that started with a seed of brilliance and then died on the operating table. The basic idea is really good: average Joe (haw!) finds out that through a mix up at a fertility clinic he is the biological father of hundreds of kids. At that point, however, it seems like the writers just sat back and assumed comedy would spontaneously manifest itself through the will of the human gestalt consciousness. There are a few good set pieces but once we get through the comedy of Vince freaking out discovering his revelation the whole thing turns into a mediocre heart warmer and all the best comedic lines get handed off to the lawyer buddy.
However, like I said in the sub title the movie isn’t horrible. It has it’s moments and you will laugh upon occasion. What was horrible, however, was the timing of this release. I don’t know who at DreamWorks thought going toe to toe with the Hunger Games was a good idea, but that person should not only be fired but frozen in carbonite for a few hundred years in hopes that a cure will have been found for whatever genetic brain defect he or she suffers from rather than risk passing it on to the next generation. Either that or just shoot them into space. Trying to compete with a juggernaut like Catching Fire is like a class of baby seals taking a field trip to the International Club and Cudgel Convention (this year located in Garden City, Kansas).
The movie begins with down and out loser David (no irony there. Vince Vaughn-the Internship, Dodgeball, Wedding Crashers) working as a meat delivery guy for his fathers company with his two brothers. His father Mikolaj (Andrezej Blumenfeld-the Pianist, Little Rose, Where Eskimos Live) and brothers (Simon Delaney-This Must Be the Place, Roy, Amazing Grace and Bobby Moynihan-the Invention of Lying, Monsters University, the Brass Teapot) love him but think of him as a complete loser. In a direct slap in the face to my life this penniless loser with no education and nothing going on has the hottest girlfriend on the planet Emma (Colby Smolders-How I Met Your Mother, the Avengers, Safe Haven) and a best friend Brett who is a lawyer beset by being a single dad with four toddler kids 
(Chris Pratt-Parks and Rec, Zero Dark Thirty, Movie 43. Li’l Sebastian image comes from the TV Show T Shirt catetory).
Emma tells David that she is pregnant but doesn’t want him involved since he is a flaky loser. David goes home and is confronted by an attorney for the fertility clinic he donated to over 600 times. The attorney tells him that due to a massive error at the clinic he is now the biological father of 533 children, a lot of whom are suing to find out who he is. There is a nice collection of David freaking out and coming to grips with his fatherhood scenes while Brett volunteers to handle his case for him. The kids give him a file of profiles of the assorted kids and when he gets home he pulls one out and looks at it.
Turns out the first kid is a professional basketball player. David goes to see a game and gets pumped up. He starts randomly pulling out profiles and visiting each kid anonymously. They range from successful to almost homeless. He tried to help them when he can and feels a kinship with each one. Meanwhile he owes $80K to some loan shark for some reason and is in danger of getting killed, and he is trying to prove to Emma that he is worthy of being his newest kids father.
Once the big reveal is done and he falls into the routine of visiting kids the story kind of peters off. The funny lines get shifted over to his friend Brett and the film tries to end up a feel good romantic comedy with mixed results. In truth this film felt more like a TV show pilot than a feature film, and that TV show is My Name is Earl. You know, Earl has an epiphany and has to visit and make amends with all he ever wronged? This could have been a really good show but as a movie the assumption was that we would see the funny in the feel good and the feel good in the comedy. Tonal failure IMO. Started as a comedy and tried to end as an After School Special about the importance of family.
The stars.
Vince Vaughn was entertaining for no reason I can put my finger on. One star. Colby Smulders rocks my world, although at some point in her career I would appreciate her showing some skin that isn’t exclusively on her hands, neck, or face. One star. Many of the individual set pieces were funny, and would have been great on a one hour TV show. One star. The father and brothers were all pretty good. One star. Some of the individual children were entertaining, especially Viggo. One star. In general not a waste of my time. One star. Total: six stars.
The black hole:
No real tone. Comedy or feel good? At times it even got almost grim and gritty. One black hole. The movie ended with all the power of a balloon with a slow leak finally settling on the ground. Great concept, but the story needed to really be fleshed out. One black hole. More TV pilot than movie. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of three stars, a very mediocre score for a fairly mediocre movie. Even if this film had not tried to go against the biggest movie powerhouse of the year odds are it would have disappointed in the box office. You can’t stop a flood with a sugar filled sandbag. Definitely worth killing an evening at home one night on NetFlix, but I doubt it will leave a lasting mark. Date movie? Sure, it’s heartwarming and will put baby making in your date’s mind. On the other hand this could lead into one of those horrible girl questions for which there is no good answer, such as “Would (or have) you ever donate(d) to a sperm bank?” “Do you masturbate and if so how often (and to what)?” Bathroom break? Any of the individual kid vignettes are not really important in and of themselves, so pick one and miss it with impunity. The best one to miss would be the drunk fat guy trying to get into the cab.
Thanks for reading. I saw Homefront about and hour ago and will review it tomorrow morning. Join the vast majority of humanity and my readers by specifically NOT following me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. No one really wants to be an original I guess. Just like when I ask girls out on dates. If you have a comment on this film or my review leave it here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great Thanksgiving.
Dave
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Review
Game winning.
There’s a special feeling you get when you see a franchise movie with a dedicated fan base on opening night. If any of you saw any of the Star Wars or Harry Potter movies this way you know what I mean. As bad as some of them may be you cannot help but get caught up in the excitement and passion that the fans exude from every pore and orifice. People show up in costume, show creepy fan tattoos, and will happily band together and beat the ass of any with the temerity to doubt the world wide worth of their favorite book-turned-movie character. These things add a flavor and energy to the film that otherwise might go unnoticed. Also if you fail to appear to enjoy the film there’s always that band together thing to worry about.
Well, except for Twilight, of course. There isn’t enough fan loyalty and good will in the universe to make that franchise watchable. We’re talking a general feeling of warmth here, not the almighty power of God. The best way to find one of those sparkly vampire movies enjoyable is on some serious drugs in a completely different room from the one the film is playing in, preferable in a different house in a different city or even on a completely different plane of existence where life is based on silicon rather than carbon and communication is through low level coded emissions of radiation. Speaking of God and different planes of existence the Charlie Sheen winning image I got from the funny t shirt category. It was the only winning image I could think of.
So the fan base at the late night screening last night added to my enjoyment of this film. I saw three girls dressed as Katniss (one with a fake bow and quiver of arrows, although for some inexplicable reason she had her pretend arrows coming out of the quiver point first). All of them were young and cute, which are two words that could describe a really large percentage of the audience. I felt like an even creepier old man than I do when I see kids movies. At least at kids movies some people might think I’m developmentally challenged. I really need to get a girlfriend who loves movies so I look like less of a loser. Lacking that I adopted my usual creepy solo loner at an inappropriate movie mien by scowling continuously while reading my own blog (let it not be said that I am not a fan of my own work, or that my ego needs inflating) on my phone, thus guaranteeing a bubble of at least two seats in all directions so I could watch the movie in relative peace.
I saw the first Hunger Games and was honestly shocked at how much I enjoyed it. I was expecting it to be another sparkly vampire fiasco and walked in with my bile cannon locked and loaded, but I am man enough to admit when my ill informed preconceived notions are incorrect. I went and read the book afterward and enjoyed it as well. Suzanne Collins is a talented writer and cut from a much different cloth than certain writers of other novel series designed to suck disposable income and brain cells from the purses and brain pans of teenage girls. Katniss had actual depth, was not caught in a pointless love triangle with sizzle chested man/boys, and had actual drama going on in her life not the problem of deciding which idyllic life to choose. She showed courage and strength of character when she volunteered as tribute in the place of her sister, and since I was invested in her character I honestly cared about what befell her.
This film continued that tradition. I opted to not read the second book until I had seen it and in retrospect I am glad I did. You see, in the moments prior to Katniss being raised up to the arena floor in this film I had a feeling so alien I had a hard time classifying it. I was leaning forward in my seat, my pulse was elevated, and I could feel adrenaline rushing through my body. Was I having a heart attack? Brain aneurism? About to Sublime to an energy based level of causality? No, this was honest to God excitement, the rarest and most valuable of emotions for a movie reviewer (or just movie attendee).
The fact is by not knowing what happened in the book and by being invested in both Katniss and Peeta (most of the rest of the cast too) I was honestly concerned for their safety. This is a harder thing to pull off than you might think, and when you see 150+ movies per year (and then write rambling reviews of them) it is even harder. Since I knew there was a third movie I could reasonably deduce that Katniss was probably going to survive, but what about Peeta? Or Haymitch? What was going to happen to Cinna or that sizzle chested man/boy Gale that Katniss was mooning over (God dammit!)? Any one of them could have ended up on the wrong end of a machete and that would have been both amazing and a bum out. Even the new tributes had me engaged (especially Johanna).
On the other hand, if I were to offer one major criticism to this movie (and you know I have to) it’s that this is another book-to-film adaptation that assumes we all worship at the Hunger Games alter and read from the holy books every night before going to bed. Sorry but I didn’t write my thesis on Catching Fire (it was actually on the diminishing appearance of masculine art in a marginalization environment, if you have to know) and there were any number of moments where I was going “Huh?” while the rest of the audience was laughing or nodding sagely. I feel dirty for saying this given how much I have bitched about the multiple movie approach to other books (cough cough the Hobbit cough cough) but I think this story was dense enough and rich enough to warrant a part I and II. There was lots of stuff only touched on that I think I would have enjoyed seeing explored.
The film starts off with Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence-Silver Lining’s Playbook, Winters Bone, X-Men First Class) having PTSD flashbacks while hunting with her sort of boyfriend Gale (Liam Hemsworth-the Expendables 2, Paranoia, the Hunger Games). She has to leave on a victory tour of the 12 Districts with Peeta (Josh Hutcherson-the Kids are All Right, American Splendor, Epic). Before leaving she is confronted by President Snow (Donald Sutherland-Mash, the Eye of the Needle, Ordinary People) who tells her that her poison stunt is being seen as an act of defiance and the only way she is going to not have her family killed is if she sells her fake romance with Peeta to the hilt.
(Quick aside-while it is absolutely true that the subtle nuances of the human mating rituals are entirely lost upon me (along with most of the not-so-subtle ones, and for that matter a lot of the painfully obvious ones) but given what he does for her it is apparent that Katniss absolutely does not deserve a guy as good as Peeta. Haymitch says exactly that, but as a man who works to be a good guy and help his friends (female and male) I was feeling a lot of Peeta’s pain. If any of you women wonder why you never date nice guys let me say on behalf of all the nice guys you have probably rejected in your life go to hell (no the irony is not lost).)
Anyway, they get on the bullet train with Haymitch (Woody Harrelson-Zombieland, Now You See Me, No Country for Old Men) and Effy (Elizabeth Banks-Pitch Perfect, the 40 Year Old Virgin, What to Expect When You are Expecting) and travel to all the districts. They start to see signs of discontent in a lot of them, to the point that they managed to inspire riots and executions. They try their best but Snow is convinced that the two of them are a threat to his power and stability. At a decadent party Katniss meets Plutarch Heavensbee (WTF is up with the names in this film? It doesn’t look that far in the future. No one is named Bill? Plutarch is played by Philip Seymour Hoffman-Moneyball, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead, the Big Lebowski), the new head of the Hunger Games. He says some ominous stuff.
Katniss and Peeta keep screwing up, so Plutarch and Snow decide to do away with them. The big 75th anniversary Hunger Games is coming up and the opt to pull in just previous winners from each of the districts. Haymitch is chosen but Peeta volunteers in his place. They go through the whole pre game rigamarole more or less same as last time; training, evaluation, interviews with creepy Caesar Flickerman (Stanley Tucci-the Terminal, The Devil Wears Prada, Captain America the First Avenger). This time the two of them work to build alliances with other tributes including wild girl Johanna (the strangely attractive Jena Malone-Sucker Punch, Contact, Into the Wild) and brainiac Beetee (Jeffrey Wright-Source Code, the Quantum of Solace, Casino Royale). All of the tributes are pretty pissed about getting dragged back into this fiasco and take every opportunity to turn the screws on President Snow.
They all get injected into the Games and Battle Royale mayhem ensues. This time there are no kids, but honestly it seemed even more cruel than last time. More effort is expended to survive the environment than each other. I don’t want to give away anything to anyone else who didn’t read the books, but there are twists and turns and the whole thing ends on a massive cliffhanger.
The stars:
Much better story that the subject matter deserves if you know what I mean. The real story took place outside of the Games, and greatly explored a lot of the politics. Two stars. I am a big fan of both Donald Sutherland and Woody Harrelson. One star. Jennifer Lawrence was looking even hotter here than in the last one, and Jena Malone was really turning me on. Of course it could be that I am drawn to psychopathic women armed with razor sharp battle axes, but I don’t want to follow that thought thread too closely. One star. The combined story and characters had me really giving a damn about what happened to all of them. I was really engaged. Two stars. I honestly liked the big twist, and it left me excited about the next film. One star. President Snow is a great villain. One star. Action was fun and exciting. One star. Pacing was great, and you hardly felt the 146 minutes. One star. An excellent use of my time. Two stars. Total: twelve stars.
The black holes:
I don’t want to dump on the acting, but it was really inconsistent. Sometimes great, sometimes robotic as hell (except for Woody. He was solid throughout). One black hole. There were any number of points that would have made a lot more sense had I read the book. I know I could have, but honestly a film should always stand on it’s own merits and not require pre-reading. One black hole. The whole story felt really rushed. I have the feeling the directors cut runs like 3-4 hours. I think they missed an opportunity by not breaking this one into two films, and now that I have said that I will have to go to my dark closet and flagellate myself for crimes against film. One black hole. The sadistic nature of the Hunger Games has not softened with a second movie and I still find it really hard to watch. It is even more apparent in this one. I really hope there is some kind of long due comeuppance being delivered in the last film for everyone involved. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Eight stars total. A very solid and respectable score. If you saw the first one you should absolutely see this one. If you are curious try to see the first one then see this one. The camera work is not so epic that it requires a big screen, so feel free to see it at home. That being said a large screen or IMAX will not be wasted. Date movie? A film about a hot capable chick who kicks ass and has a believable tragic romance? How could this not be a great date movie? Bathroom break? Hmm. I supposed if you aren’t into the visual of it the chariot scene is pretty expendable once they climb aboard. It’s pretty much the same exact scene as the last film. The training sequences are pretty perfunctory as well. Katniss kicks ass with a bow, everyone else is good at something. Not exactly the most staggering of expositions.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to see something else tomorrow or Sunday and write it up. Follow me on Twitter (or don’t as the vast majority of my readers seem inclined to) @Nerdkungfu. Comments about this review or movie can be left right here, and if you have an off topic comment or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. If you happen to work for a studio and want to get me in to see advanced screenings I am most definitely down to hear from you. Also I am willing to work with other sites publishing my reviews, so if your reviewer just went back to rehab and you are looking for someone let me know. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 74 Requiem for Methuselah
Now we are getting into some quality Star Trek. Interesting story, nice twist, and a girl so unbelievably hot she will make your eyes bleed (in a good way). The girl is played by Louise Sorel. She never did an amazing single role but has had a considerable filmography, doing Broadway, soaps, and a ton of prime time appearances.
The image is one of the many episode shirts from the Star Trek T-Shirt collection.
This is another episode that had less of an impact on me as a kid. I only saw it a couple times and the story was a little more complicated. I remember being kind of confused as a kid and the names bandied about like Da Vinci and Brahms had less of an impact on me than if Flint had said he was also Buck Rodgers or B.A. Baracas. However, upon rewatching it as an adult (technically) I realize it was a pretty damned good story. The idea that one man could play so many roles over so long was intriguing, as was the concept of him having such an impact on our culture. The clues Spock picked up on that led them to understand who he was were very cool, and M4 was pretty epic, although clearly a remake of Nomad from the Changeling (also redone as V’ger from Star Trek: the Motion Picture, only with more punch). However, Season 3 was all about cannibalizing the previous seasons so I won’t hold that against it.
Speaking of recycling from earlier seasons, if you watch the original showing the image of Flints home is pretty clearly the painting they did for Rigel IV from the Cage. I guess the budget was running a little thin at that point. They were probably digging through the props warehouse looking for anything they could use on the cheap. When they remastered this one they changed the image to a much more impressive mansion. Not sure if I like that or not. I find most of the remastering changes both annoying and unnecessary. Part of the appeal is the cheapness of the effects. You wouldn’t go to a live play and bitch because there is no lens flare, would you? If you are only watching Star Trek for the special effects stop reading my blog, J.J. Abrams.
Dave
Free Birds Movie Review
A turkey indeed.
There seems to be a divide between makers of kids movies. On the one side are those who appear to love children and want to make quality entertainment for them while understanding that a lot of parents are going to have to suffer through them as well and thoughtfully throw in some concepts and jokes for the adults. These wonderful people seem to end up working for Pixar or Disney and help produce films such as the Incredibles, Toy Story, Wreck It Ralph, Finding Nemo, and Ratatouille.
On the other side of the divide is a group of people who see kids (and their parents) as untended cash cows and the idea of a cash teat not hooked up to the entertainment machine as a sin. They provide films that are not necessarily bad, but are just there like a brick in a wall. It is not really notable and odds are the wall would survive without it, but no one is going to have a real objection to it’s existence. These films include Planes, Turbo, the Lorax, and Escape from Planet Earth. (damn, I review a lot of mediocre animated films).
So Free Birds. More in the second camp than the first. Not really horrible bad, but pretty much the definition of formulaic. 
I really wanted to love this film, if only because I am a huge George Takei fan (the man who taught me how to pronounce tsunami correctly. Image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category BTW). I am also a Woody Harrelson and Amy Poehler fan and like to see them succeed. However, while this film was not bad in the I-wish-I-were-drunk-off-my-ass sense, it just doesn’t truly entertain.
There is one massive trap in this film that I will warn you about. Like choosing a large pile of snow to urinate on only to find out that it was really a sleeping polar bear, taking your kids to see a film about cute animated turkeys fighting to get turkeys off the menu a few weeks before Thanksgiving will literally bite you on the ass when it comes time to carve your holiday bird. I have always found animated food creatures either fighting against or campaigning for being eaten off putting (Sorry, Charlie), and unless you really want to delve into the depths of the poultry industry and the difference between movie turkeys and food turkeys with your kids you should probably steer clear.
The story. Reggie (Owen Wilson-Cars, Midnight in Paris, Wedding Crashers) is a turkey who figures out he and his friends are due for the chopping block. He is grievously ostracized by the other turkeys due to being smarter than the rest of them (no flashbacks here) and spends his time trying to convince them of their fate. The President arrives at his farm and he manages to get the yearly turkey parole.
He is transported to Camp David to be the Presidents daughters pet and lives life of luxury. Eventually he is shanghaied by Jake (Woody Harrelson-Natural Born Killers, No Country for Old Men, Zombieland), a turkey revolutionary. They sneak into a military compound and steal a time machine named S.T.E.V.E. (George Takei-Star Trek, Heroes, the Green Berets). They plan to go back in time and convince the pilgrims to not eat turkeys on the first day.
They get back there and meet up with a herd (flock? What do you call a group of wild turkeys? All I know for sure is the reason crows are the coolest birds ever is a group of them is called a murder) of turkeys who have been distracting the human hunters away from their underground Rats of NIMH-like compound. Reggie meets Jenny (Amy Poehler-Blades of Glory, Parks and Rec, Mean Girls) and her brother Ranger (Jimmy Hayward, who also directed this film). The humans are more or less starving but Governor Bradford (Dan Fogler-Fanboys, Balls of Fury, Kung Fu Panda) is saving all their food as a bribe for the Native Americans at the Thanksgiving meal. He puts finding food on the head huntsman and all around bad guy Miles Standish (Colm Meaney-Con Air, DS9, Law Abiding Citizen) who for some reason thinks turkeys are the only food in the universe and seems to hate them with the same passion that I hate the new Star Trek movies.
Honestly it just rolls out with bland regularity. The humans hunt turkeys. Reggie tries to chicken (haw!) out but falls in love with Jenny. Things seem to grow grim for the turkeys but for the intervention of Steve and a huge delivery of pizza. The end.
Sorry but honestly I was getting bored recounting the story. I don’t do stars or black holes for kids movies. It seemed like the few kids in the audience were entertained, so by that standard we can call this film a technical success. As an adult I was pretty bored, which means as an actual rounded kids film (Monsters U for example) it’s kind of a meh. However, unless you are an advocate for animal rights and already feed your kids nothing but tofu and bean sprouts this film will definitely make things awkward come the holidays. I don’t really see this film as a recurring holiday film (it’s no Kiss Saves Christmas) but if you are looking to kill a few minutes and already have your tofurkey planned out go for it.
Thanks for reading. Not my most in depth review but middle of the road films like this one tend to be pretty boring to write about. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review please leave them here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thanks and have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 75 the Way to Eden
This one made #3 on my list of all time worst episodes and for good reason: space hippies. Specifically space hippies who for some odd reason really identified with Spock and thought of him as some kind of guru. The only redeeming thing was the hippies all treating Kirk like a major dork, calling him a Herbert. I suspect since this was towards the end of the series Shattners influence over the writers and producers was greatly diminished, as in season 1 he would never had let any of that nonsense go on. Nor would he have let the romantic love interest go to any other character and in this one it is Checkov who gets the girl (sort of). Of course he gets his revenge at the end and Checkov gets nothing again (for some reason I feel a kinship towards Checkov. Did I mention I got rejected by yet another girl last night?)
I don’t know. This episode felt like a stretch all the way through. This is also a perfect example of why singing has no place in Star Trek. Normally it’s one of the main characters annoying us with his or her melodic noise hole (Uhura in the Conscious of the King, Spock in Plato’s Stepchildren, etc.), but this time it was the hippy sing along. Of course, the Star Trek singing tradition continues to haunt us in the form of Shattner doing songs with Metallica. If you have never heard him cover Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds it is something everyone needs to hear once and then never again. Google it.
Dave
P.S. the peace symbol I got from the Cheap T Shirt category .
D.
Thor: the Dark World Review
Loki: the Dork World
I once again must apologize for not getting this written up sooner. I have been dealing with a technical issue all week having to do with a company with two o’s and two g’s in their name (you know, the German company known as Gurslictenoogle) that has kept me out reviewing for quite a while. I feel bad not getting these out in a timely manner, but since this gig doesn’t actually pay me not that bad.
The Loki image, by the way, is from our Comic Book T Shirt collection.
I have also been hesitant to write this as I am not sure how I really feel about it. Was it entertaining? Yes. Were there fun moments? Yes. Was it good in the way a well developed, well rounded film should be? No.
I think this is another case of writing failure. One of the two screenwriters, Christopher Markus, is what I consider an accomplished writer of sorts. He did write Pain and Gain and the first Captain America movies, both of which I feel were very decent. However, most of his filmography seems to revolve around the Chronicles of Narnia, the film equivalent of nacho flavored Styrofoam packing peanuts. His co-writer is Christopher Yost, who literally has only written superhero TV cartoons. There are six more writers credited, and the whole thing seems to be suffering from death by committee. The script staggers back and forth like a car accident victim with a rear view mirror embedded in his cranium. Sometimes it is a dopey, storyless action movie, sometimes there is an attempt at character development, sometimes there is a romance, and sometimes there is a revenge/brotherhood plot.
I’m not saying it’s terrible. If a strong tone and coherent, holeless plot are secondary concerns I am sure you will enjoy the hell out of it. It’s just not as good as the first Thor. I did that which I hate doing the most, research, and found out that none of the writers on the first Thor were involved in this one. I’m not sure if I understand the logic in that. You would imagine that a sequel to a successful movie would want to keep the same tone and flavor, but I guess if it ain’t broke fix it.
Where this film falls apart the most for me is the characters. In the first movie Thor was a spoiled princeling who needed to learn humility and deal with his lack of powers after being cast down to Earth by his equally interesting father Odin, while his scheming brother sought his fathers throne. In this film Thor is a boring, flawless good guy, Odin is pretty much a non-entity, and only Loki has anything that resembles depth or interest. The fish out of water stuff that Thor dealt with in the first film was a great framework for the chemistry between him and Jane Foster. In this film without that basis he and Jane have all the chemistry of mixing all your Easter Egg dyes together to get a muddy brown color and she ends up being the extraneous third nipple of the film (by that I mean completely unnecessary).
This film also falls into the scope trap that sucks in so many mediocre writers. The first film was about Thor, his brother, their fathers love, and the struggle for identity and personal angst. Sure, there was the whole Frost Giant thing but that was more to give the film context for the story to develop. You identified with the characters and felt their pain and hardship. In this one the villains plan is to DESTROY THE UNIVERSE! OMG! I LIVE IN THE UNIVERSE! I MUST AUTOMATICALLY GIVE A CRAP! You see, when the villains plan is to hurt or destroy a character we identify with that is engaging. As soon as the villains plan is to destroy the world, or blow up a city, or do something to everything in creation all tension is drained from the story. Everyone knows that no film is going to really end with the universe being destroyed, but there is just the off chance that the film could end with the tragic and noble death of Thor. After all, Rocky lost his fight and Spock died at the end of TWOK. If a wave of artistic integrity were to sweep over the writers and directors they could just have the evil plan be for the Frost Giants to get revenge on Thor by killing Jane and have her die in his arms at the end. That would be really cool. However, the odds are more likely of me finding love than that ever happening. Of course, since each film has to have a bigger, more bad ass plot than the last one how do you go bigger than the destruction of the universe? The complete annihilation of all causality? Oh, wait. The Infinity Gauntlet. Duh.
The story starts off with Thor (Chris Hemsworth-Pacific Rim, Snow White and the Huntsman, Cabin in the Woods) running around beating down all the oppressed people who rose up against Asgard when the Bifrost Bridge was destroyed at the end of the last film. Of course since all the bad guys look like post apocalyptic mutant Botox accidents and the good guys look like muscular Abercrombe & Fitch models I guess it fair to assume that seeking freedom from the iron heel of Odin is a bad thing. Meanwhile Jane (Natalie Portman-Black Swan, the Professional, V for Vendetta, some horrible sci fi films that shall go unmentioned as they make me sad) has been languishing back on Earth for two years pining for the guy she met and knew for like twelve hours in the last film with no more contact of any kind. She is doing some kind of weird science thing (if anyone can tell me exactly what kind of science she and her crew do I would appreciate it). She is aided by her bitchy sidekick Darcy (Kat Dennings-2 Broke Girls, the 40 Year Old Virgin, Day One) and Eric Selvig (Stellan Skarsgård-Avengers, the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Good Will Hunting), who after being the Marvel whipping boy for like six films is now Birdman of Alcatraz crazy.
Meanwhile Loki (Tom Hiddleston-War Horse, Thor, Avengers) is rotting in the Asgard dungeon with a bunch of the dudes Thor just beat on. He is visited by his mother Frigga (Rene Russo-Outbreak, Ransom, the Thomas Crown Affair (note-she is naked in like 80% of that film if you are interested)) who is the only reason he hasn’t done the hemp fandango (life note-if you are the female relative or significant other of an action guy in a movie or video game but don’t actually kick ass yourself there is about a 70% chance you will die in order to give the protagonist motivation. Be warned).
Tales are told of the defeat of the Dark Elves (by the way, if you happen to play Warhammer you will be shocked at how either this film ripped off Games Workshop or Games Workshop ripped off Marvel. My money would be on Games Workshop doing the ripping off. You can’t tell me Tyranids are not HR Giger Aliens) and how they all died, but apparently a bunch of them hid in hibernation for millenia until their magic zero gravity red Silly Putty was rediscovered or all the realms align or something (details are suspiciously vague. A lot of this script felt very half assed). Super scientist Jane uses her PKE to find a location where the walls between worlds are thin and after seeing the Laws of Thermodynamics sexually molested again falls into another realm. The red Silly Putty (the name in the movie is the Aether, I think) is in a crack between a floating menhir and a big plinth (yes, I know. Google it you lazy bastards). Being the super scientist that she is she figures the best way to investigate would be to stick a finger in and the Aether enters her body (her scientist sense must have told her it wasn’t radioactive or anything).
She ends up back on Earth in time for Thor to arrive and discover she has the red scabies. He ports her back to Asgard where she is treated like a short bus child (I guess she kind of is to them). Meanwhile one of the prisoners in the dungeon with Loki turns out to be a Dark Elf (I can’t type that term without wanting to talk about the new Army Book that just came out. Warlocks are way overpowered IMO) who is one of the Kursed, a suicide super soldier of sorts. He breaks out and frees all the other prisoners except for Loki and tears ass through Asgard. Meanwhile more Dark Elves (why did they move RBTs from Rare to Special? It just means more uniformity of army builds IMO) arrive. They are attacking to capture Jane and extract the red menace from her and put it into a super weapon to destroy the universe. Frigga gets killed.
At that point Loki joins up to get revenge for the death of his mother. Thor has to go against Odin (Anthony Hopkins-the Silence of the Lambs, Red Dragon, the Elephant Man) and needs Loki to sneak out of Asgard. About 30 small stories that could have developed into something are planted and then left to rot (like Sif secretly loving Thor, or some look at the motivation behind the Dark Elves (now Dark Steeds have the Fast Cav rule? That is pretty awesome)). Stuff gets blown up, and crazy man Eric Selvig invents metal tiki torches that teleport Dark Elves (he must be using Lore of Shadow) around because of science(???).
I don’t want to spoil the plot twist but I will say it was at the same time painfully obvious and drawn from the deepest recesses of the writers deepest ass. A plot twist is one thing, but having some random bulls&*% happen at the end is just dumb. It’s like if at the end of Saving Private Ryan the bridge was saved by an army of ninja clown paratroopers dropping in.
The stars.
Loki was pretty awesome, and every scene with him actually had nuance and character. I’d be willing to bet one writer with talent was working on him exclusively. Two stars. There were some good humor moments. One star. Action was good, and Thor’s hammer Mjölnir was even cooler than it was in the last movie. One star. CGI was as always flawless, and the 3D managed to add to the film rather than detract from it. One star. I really like that the filmmakers didn’t just roll with the idea that everyone in the Universe speaks American English and actually had the Dark Elves (at least they lost the reverse ward save) speaking a different language with subtitles. Movies that assume I know how to read please me. One star. The Dark Elves themselves (access to all the lores adds a lot of flexibility, but the vast majority of them are going to just go Mindrazor FTW) were pretty cool. One star. Pacing and editing was nearly perfect. One star. Overall I enjoyed myself. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes.
Just not terribly well written. Plot holes and little to no attempt to explain anything. I’m not looking for a thesis paper here but if you are going to teleport bad guys all over the place at least make up a fake scientific reason why that is happening or how it was developed. One black hole. There was nothing of the character development that went so well in the last one. One black hole. I really wanted to know more about the Dark Elves (why oh why do they now also have ASF?), Jane’s research, Odin, Thor, Frigga, Sif, or any number of other cool sub plots that were tossed out with the bathwater. If you hadn’t seen the first movie this film would have felt really inadequate. One black hole. There was no actual chemistry between Jane and Thor, and honestly the film might have been better without her. One black hole. If you have high tech anti aircraft guns why do you go after guys on the ground with swords? The fight against the Dark Elves (at least they are still Toughness 3) might have gone a lot better if the Asgard forces had walked in with SPAS 12 gauges. Pick one or the other. One black hole. The plot twist just spontaneously manifesting itself as if by the will of God. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Not horrible, but not what I want from a Marvel comic book movie. Kind of meh. The action is good, and Loki is fun. If that is enough for you go see it on a big screen in 3D. If you want more than maybe wait for NetFlix. Just not great. I feel no need to ever see it again. Date movie? Meh. At least Chris Hemsworth keeps his shirt on, so you will only have to deal with his long hair, rugged good looks, and sexy accent when being compared to by your date. Bathroom break? Any of the “romance” scenes between Thor and Jane are 100% disposable. Go nuts.
Thanks for reading. I will have something up tomorrow I promise. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have a comment on this film or my review post it here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
