Happy -210th Birthday, Captain Kirk
Yes, 210 glorious years from now the greatest military man in the history of the human race will be born, destined to make it with every hot alien chick in the universe. Soon the universe will enjoy his clipped manner of speech and amazing hair (suck it Captain Picard).
One can only wonder if the should rolls of the future will measure up those we are so familiar with.
Of course Captain, since your fate is now in the hands of J.J. Abrams and he has already shown your history the respect a drunken homeless person shows a public lavatory it could be that you end up somehow completely different. Maybe he thinks it will be fun to have you go bald, or catch space AIDS, or just get married and forgo your rakish ways. However, based on what I have seen so far it would not surprise me to see him give you some kind of “force” power and equip you with a laser sword (or saber) of some kind. Since he has already remade Star Trek into some kind of war in the stars movie nothing would shock me now.
The Kirk image here I got from the Star Trek T Shirt collection. Fingers crossed that Into the Darkness is not what I kind of expect it to be.
Dave
Olympus has Fallen Review
Painfully stupid.
Over the past few years of doing these it has become apparent that the movie going audience craves stupid movies in the same way a 12 year old 300lb diabetic craves chocolate ice cream (if box office receipts are anything to base this on). And like a parent who feeds his obese child chocolate ice cream Hollywood could be accused of a certain amount of abuse by indulging in such base desires.
However, like the crack dealer who works down the street from my office everyone needs to get paid and Hollywood is no exception. I will say this movie is stupidly fun, but after a while for the thinking viewer the stupidity just keeps adding up until the weight of it compresses your brain into a diamond of perfect bitterness. For those of you who don’t bother to think I’m sure you will have a blast at this movie and the follow up Bachelor viewing party.
I was more than a little surprised at how stupid this film was. The director Antoine Fugua directed Training Day, one of my personal favorite films. As a fan of his previous work I am going to drop the blame for this on the two writers who have not a single movie (or TV, or YouTube video) credit to their names (production budget of $80,000,000 and they effectively hired two amateurs to write this thing. It is annoying).
I walked into this expecting a certain amount of flag porn (you know, so much u-rah! USA crap that uber right wing gun nuts like my cousin have to change their shorts after seeing it) and there was a certain amount of that, but what I really did not expect to see was the Secret Service portrayed as a bunch of moronic amateurs who barely know which end of the gun the bullets come out of. I have no real military training but even I know that charging forward in a group towards a machine gun was considered a bad plan even back in WWI. A lifetime of FPS video games has taught me the value of taking cover behind stuff in order to avoid turning into a bullet magnet, but somehow everyone except the main character seemed to feel either that taking cover was for wusses or that the Koreans were firing miniature nerd t shirt guns and they all wanted a Star Trek souvenir. Also it has been long established that we don’t negotiate with terrorists but in this film every person in the film was completely lacking in anything resembling a spine from the President down.
I was going to do an itemize list of the stupidity I saw in this film but that would be a big wast of time. Here are a few that really stick out, with a bonus science one. First off, it is laughable to believe that an unidentified cargo plane that refuses all hails would be allowed to come within sight of the White House. Also, fighter pilots are typically not dumb enough to both line up next to a potentially dangerous plane. I have to believe that Secret Service agents wear some kind of body armor, and that the front door of the White House is strong enough to withstand a single RPG. Those agents are well known for being extremely paranoid and highly trained, thus leaving it hard to believe that a bunch of strangers in the midst of an attempt on the Presidents life would be able to get the drop on them (not to mention know when to duck and take cover). I would like to think that anyone in line to become President would have the balls to not cave in to every demand that some terrorist made. I don’t know what kind of defenses the White House actually does have but I would be shocked to find out they didn’t have some kind of set of remote machine guns in case a group of commandos tries to take it out. In fact I would bet that a mere 40 commandos wouldn’t even make it across the front lawn. Finally the idea that there is a self destruct code for all our nuclear bombs that would allow for them to all blow up in the silos is laughable, and the idea that the North Koreans have the spies to figure it out is just dumb. Also, ordering a fleet out of an area and removing all the US troops in South Korea would take months, not done in an hour.
Let me take a moment and speak to my old friend science for a minute. Do you know what would happen if you threw a stick of dynamite into a nuclear bomb? 
OMG it would blow up! No, that’s not how they work. They aren’t just bigger piles of gun powder you can light with a fuse Wile E Coyote style. An A bomb is a precision instrument where the pieces of uranium have to come together with exact timing in order to reach critical mass. Any other way and all you get is a dirty bomb. You could pile all the nuclear bombs in the world in one place and line them with plastic explosive and all you would get would be a big radioactive mess. Also, what idiot designed a self destruct system that could be used to blow up the entire United States?
The bottom line is the implausibility of pretty much everything that happened in this film steadily bleeds the realism away leaving us to rely on our overworked suspension of disbelief. Essentially if we have a hard time believing all this could happen the enjoyment of the film really fades away. One of my favorite movie scenes in the last few years is the Nightcrawler attack on the White House in X2. I think the thing I like the most was seeing how cool and competent the Secret Service were. They were only foiled by mutant super powers beyond their ken. In this film they all look and act like mall rent-a-cops in suits. Also the villains plan goes out too far in scope, to the detriment of the tension.
Anyway, the story. Gerard Butler (Playing for Keeps, RocknRolla, 300. He’s Scottish for the record. Ironic that he plays the lead role in this super American film) is Mike Banning, Secret Service agent. He loses his position on the President’s (Aaron Eckhart-The Dark Knight, Battle Los Angeles, Thank You for Smoking) protection detail after dropping the First Lady (literally). He is now working in the Treasury. Meanwhile the President is meeting with the South Korean President when a cargo plane leisurely avoids all air defense in the most protected city in America and start shooting up the White House and Washington DC. The President is evacuated into an underground bunker where the Korean’s head of security (Rick Yune-the Fast and the Furious, Die Another Day, The Man with the Iron Fists) betrays them and captures him. He works for the North or something.
Anyway, it turns out that his team knows everything there is to know about the White House security and they take over all systems while his team of commandos tear through the Secret Service like Jason Vorhees going through a cheerleading camp. The Speaker of the House (Morgan Freeman-the Shawshank Redemption, the Dark Knight, Conan the Barbarian) is made temporary president (oh, yeah, the Vice President was hanging out with the Pres at the time of attack. No problems there I guess) and immediately caves in to every demand the North Koreans make including completely abandoning our allies the South Koreans to complete conquest by the North. Meanwhile Mike Banning has snuck into the White House and kicks seven kinds of hell out of every Korean he can find.
At that point it’s pretty much Die Hard in the White House. In fact the bad guys use exactly the same escape plan as they did in Die Hard. Banning sneaks around in the hidden wall passages and kills a bunch of guys one by one. I won’t completely spoil the movie but if you are of a patriotic bent expect to be pleasantly turned on.
The stars. It was fun, and if you are a Die Hard fan and don’t mind remakes than you will enjoy the action. Three stars. For the bad John McClane role he was handed Gerard Butler did decently with this role, and I liked the Korean bad guy. One star. This film won’t have you thinking you just wasted 120 minutes of your life even though on many levels you did. One star. Five stars total.
The black holes. The stupidity really ground on my enjoyment of the film like having a pebble in your 22 hole Doc’s and just not wanting to take the time to unlace them and get it out. One black hole. I was kind of offended at how incompetently the Secret Service was portrayed. One black hole. The fact that no one in this film had any spine and caved in at every opportunity made me lose respect for all the characters and therefore like them less. One black hole. The dialog was as schlocky as you could make it without actually cutting sound bites from the schlockiest films in movie history and pasting them together. One black hole. Some of the CGI and effects from the first half hour looked more than a little incomplete. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A straight zero. I suppose if all you want is dumb action and consider a competent plot and dialog unnecessary options you will enjoy this. Otherwise a big “meh” from me. I suppose I am a little more disappointed than usual in that I thought going in this movie looked really cool and could have been exceptional. That will teach me to not get my hopes up. This could be seen on a big screen or small screen with no real loss of enjoyment. Big screen will mean the mediocre effects will be super visible. Date movie? Nah. There is a sort of love story (almost garnered another black hole for that one) but nothing in here is going to turn your date on. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, really. There are a couple scenes towards the last half involving the nurse girlfriend working in a hospital that are pretty worthless. Go then if you need it.
Thanks for reading. I’m in LA on Sunday but will try to see something tonight. I’m kind of dying for some good sci fi so I’ll see what I can find. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post comments on this film or my review here, or send me off topic questions or suggestions to [email protected]. Thank again and have a great day.
Dave
The Call Movie Review
About 911 times better than I thought it would be.
I will admit I was not expecting much from this movie. Halle Berry has never before been on my list of actresses who are so engaging that I need to see whatever she stars in. 
As far as I was concerned all she was known for would be a really bad Storm from X-Men and a really, really, awfully super bad Catwoman in Catwoman. I have been told she did some good work in Monsters Ball but I was so annoyed about Catwoman that even the promise of seeing her topless could not entice me to watch that film.(X-Men image courtesy of the Marvel Comic T Shirt category)
In a sense I’m actually annoyed at this film for not sucking more because now I have to take Halle Berry seriously as an actress. I won’t say she made the movie happen but she was in every scene and played her roll very well. Of course in almost every scene she was either stressed out or freaked out and for all I know that might be her natural state of being, making her role very easy. Since I liked her for the most part in Cloud Atlas I guess she is starting to unbury her needle for me. She will have to do a lot more great movies to undo Catwoman, but this is a great step in the right direction.
What made this movie good in my mind is the fact that the director Brad Anderson (Transiberian, Session 9, the Machinist (awesome movie BTW)) managed to take a pretty formulaic story and have my friend and I gripping our armrests in true tension for most of the film. Having seen so many bad movies the part of my brain that actually connects with the films and feels such rarities as excitement or worry about the characters has shriveled up and more or less almost died, kept alive only through the occasional episode of the Walking Dead. This film however managed to connect to that dejected little clump of brain cells and throw a wild fiesta for them.
That’s not to say the film is perfect. Like I said, the story is really formulaic and about as simple and straightforward as riding a subway through a long tunnel. Towards the end the film shifted gears from a cool CSI style crime drama into an episode of Scooby Doo meets Saw, but for the most part it kept the tension levels high.
The story. Halle Berry (Cloud Atlas, X-Men, New Year’s Eve) plays Jordan Turner, a 911 dispatch operator working for the LAPD. It is established early on that she is very competent and experienced. A young girl calls in to report a man breaking into the house. She hides under the bed but when the phone disconnects Jordan calls her back, alerting the intruder as to where she is. The girl is kidnapped and later turns up in a shallow grave. Flash forward six months and Jordan is now in charge of training new operators and no longer works calls. One of her trainees gets a call from another girl (Abigail Breslin-Zombieland, Little Miss Sunshine, Signs) who is being kidnapped and is trapped in the trunk of the kidnappers car.
At that point the tension ramps up dramatically. The phone the girl is using is disposable making tracing it very hard. Jordan takes over the call and uses a series of really cool and interesting police tactics to try to find the car. You get to see a lot of neat internal stuff that I hope is actually accurate and not just made up for Hollywood. The girl kicks out a taillight and waves at another car. She pours a can of paint out and tries to leave a trail. The kidnapper (Michael Eklund-the Watchmen, 88 Minutes, the Divide) gets waived down by another car. He kills the guy and switches the car.
The story progresses this way, with the police doing all they can to track down the kidnapper. Eventually the trail goes cold at an old cabin his family owns. Eventually the story changes lanes from really cool to kinda stupid when Jordan opts to Scooby Doo it out herself. Things get creepier but dumber at the same time.
The stars. As much as it galls me to say this with the taste of Catwoman in my mouth I have to give props to Halle Berry for a very credible performance. One star. Abagail Breslin was pretty good too. One star. I’m not sure how best to describe this, but the fact that the movie kept me engaged as well as it did was awesome. Three stars. Pacing was dead on perfect for the story and genre. One star. Seeing how the 911 dispatch service operates was very cool. One star. Overall a very exciting time. One star. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. The story was stupid simple and so formulaic that had it not been for the tension it would have felt like filling out your tax return. One black hole. The villain was every sociopathic stereotype possible and extremely one dimensional. They tried to give him some back story but for the most part it didn’t really work. One black hole. The Third Act was lifted straight out from Saw. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A total of five stars. I’m as surprised as you are. I rolled into this film sharpening my canines in anticipation of delivering a brutal mauling to a crap movie and was pleasantly shocked. I know I am enjoying a movie when I stop writing the review in my head and just watch. This film got some bad reviews from other people but I think it worth seeing. Date movie? If you are in a relationship and know she likes serial killers go for it. Otherwise not a good one. Some of this gets pretty creepy. Bathroom break? The scene where Jordan finally leaves the dispatch building and goes driving out is pretty unnecessary. Go for it. Honestly if you just pretended they caught the guy when they raided his cabin you might enjoy the movie more anyway.
Thanks for reading. I’m actually in town this week so expect to see a couple more reviews this weekend. I might have to go to LA to deal with some stupid crap Sunday night. Feel free to post comments here for this movie or my review. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Thanks again and have a great day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Dead Man Down Review
I’m down with this film.
I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. It has been a long, grueling trip through the first part of this year with most of the movies I have seen being only slightly preferable to spending a week in an oubliette. As my personal and professional life gets busier I don’t get to see all the movies I used to, which makes seeing three bad ones in a row that much more grinding. (Dead Man Walking image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category)
So when I saw that the first English movie for Swedish director Niels Arden Oplev (Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Swedish version), Worlds Apart, We Shall Overcome) was coming out I was intrigued in the same way a shipwreck victim in intrigued by a life vest. Yesterday was an ETC Warhammer practice day and afterwards I got two of my friends to check it out.
Well done, with a different kind of story. I love revenge stories. The Count of Monte Cristo is one of my favorite books, and I have a love of revenge movies that goes way back. V for Vendetta is awesome, and if you ever have the chance check out an old movie called Johnny Handsome. Mickey Roarke when he was still young. This movie reminded me a lot of Johnny Handsome, in that a guy works for years on his revenge plot. It is not flawless, and the main issue stems from the movie shifting gears in the last 20 minutes from an intricate crime drama into a Die Hard remake, but for the most part is pretty damned good.
I am going to go easy on the story recap as it has a lot of cool twists I don’t want to see you miss out on. Colin Farrell (Phone Booth, Total Recall, In Bruges) plays Victor, a mid level thug who works for Alphonse (Terrence Howard-Iron Man, Hustle and Flow, the Crash). Alphonse is the subject of a long term revenge plot by an unknown assailant for an unknown reason. Meanwhile Victor’s neighbor Beatrice (Noomi Rapace-the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Prometheus, Sherlock Holmes: a Game of Shadows) witnesses him killing a guy in his apartment and uses that information to blackmail him into killing the man who wrecked up her face (drunk driver).
Meanwhile another thug and friend to Victor (Dominic Cooper-Captain America, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, The Devil’s Double) is actually making progress on unraveling who the unknown assailant is. The plot unspools nicely with beautiful pacing and a clear character arc for both Victor and Beatrice. Unfortunately in my mind the very cool tragic ending the movie was gearing up for doesn’t quite manifest itself and the toward the end it takes a sharp left into Action Movie Junction.
The stars. I’m not really a Colin Farrell fan but really liked him here. Who knew he could do grim so well? He might have just won me over. One star. I also enjoyed Noomi Rapace a great deal. She plays the wounded dove very nicely. One star. I cool, complicated story that managed to reveal itself in a manner that didn’t drive me nuts or leave any loose threads. Two stars. The director didn’t feel the need to over explain everything and even left a few plot points hanging for your imagination to fill. It’s so nice when a director doesn’t operate on the assumption that we are all mouth breathing moronic losers. I see it as a sign of respect. One star. Pacing ran like a well oiled machine for the most part. Just the right amount of exposition interspersed with some decent action. One star. The action, while in some cases out of place, was well done and exciting without being ridiculous. One star. Generally a fun movie. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. That shift of gears to action felt really out of place. One black hole. I’m not going to lay this on Terrence Howard as I think he did a good job with the role, but the character of Alphonse felt kind of fake to me. He was at times comically stupid while at other times acting like he had read the script. I think a better job could have been done writing him. One black hole. Again, not going to throw in any spoilers but the ending that the movie was building up to and really deserved never manifested itself, leaving us with something that didn’t really match. One black hole. Three black holes total.
So a grand total of six stars. Definitely worth seeing, especially since we have been faced with nothing but garbage like A Good Day to Die Hard. Nothing on the screen really needs a theater, but if you want to join me in supporting decent films try to go see it. Otherwise NetFlix would work fine. Date movie? I’m going to say yes, in that this is a perfect comprise film. There is a love story that she will appreciate and enough crime and action to keep you entertained. Bathroom break? Not a lot you are going to want to miss. I’d say the scene right after Beatrice gets hit in the head with something doesn’t do more than support the romance part of the movie and could be missed without too much consequence, but hurry back as things ramp up pretty quick after that.
Thanks for reading. Plenty more to see out there so hopefully I can find some stuff to work on. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post comments on this film or my review at the bottom of this post. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone Review
90% a good movie.
This is one of those tragic films that seems to have all the elements of being a great film but somehow manages to just miss the mark. It has funny elements for sure, and the cast is stunning, but the sum of the parts of this film just felt like less than the individual values of them.
I saw it last night and have been trying to put my thumb on what the issue really is. It could be that the director, Don Scardino, really only has TV credits to his name. 
He directed a bunch of episodes of 30 Rock, and that’s kind of what this film felt like; a three part episode of 30 Rock (30 Rock image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirts). Clever lines, funny characters, and running jokes that are all ha ha funny but not bust your gut funny. Some of the elements border on genius, but most of it is that special kind of comedy that graces the pages of the New Yorker magazine where you are more or less obligated to admit that the joke is intellectually funny but doesn’t actually do anything to tickle your funny bone.
I will say the cast and acting was impressive as all hell. Everything you have ever loved about Steve Carrell, Steve Buscemi, and Jim Carrey is displayed in force here, and the best scenes are the interactions between the three. The rest of the supporting cast also knocked it out of the park. All around an A+ for the performers.
The story is of Vegas magicians Burt Wonderstone (Steve Carell-the Office, Crazy, Stupid Love, the 40 Year Old Virgin) and Anton Marvelton (Steve Buscemi-Fargo, Resevoir Dogs, the Big Lebowski) as they get tired of their act and each other. They start off as best friends in grade school but by the end are treating it like a mediocre job they don’t want to do. Meanwhile street musician Steve Grey (Jim Carrey-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the Truman Show, Dumb and Dumber) is edging out their act by doing Chris Angel style stunts such as holding his urine for 12 days. Burt and Anton have a falling out as they try to do something as difficult and go their separate ways. Burt more or less fails out of show business and end up entertaining retirees at an old age home.
There he meets his youth idol Rance Holloway (Alan Arkin-Argo, Little Miss Sunshine, Edward Scissorhands) who helps re-ignite his old passion for magic. He goes back to the basics and puts together an act with Anton and his former assistant Jane (Olivia Wilde-Tron:Legacy, In Time, the Change Up. Weird. I wouldn’t have thought I did three full reviews for her movies. Too bad they all kind of sucked since I kind of like her) to go head to head with nemesis Grey. Magic happens, but nothing that would surprise you.
The stars. Overall excellent cast and acting. If you are a fan of any of the actors in this film you will see them displayed in their best light. Three stars. There were parts that were really funny, especially the scenes between Carrell and Buscemi. One star. I don’t usually go in for this sort of thing but I have to give the makeup people special props. They managed to make all the characters look significantly different from what you are used to seeing, and the work they did with Alan Arkin was brilliant. One star. The scene shot for the beginning of the credits was funnier than the entirety of the film. Don’t rush to leave your seat. One star. Generally a fun movie all around. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. The film story was predictable, and generally borrowed heavily (including the main character) from any Will Ferrel you want to name except Stranger than Fiction. One black hole. A lot of the humor didn’t really strike a chord with the audience (except for at the end). It was like hearing a joke you didn’t get and then having the joker explain it to you. Eventually you throw a courtesy laugh to get him to shut up but the moment has passed. One black hole. The romance sub plot between Carrell and Wilde was really tacked on and had no meaning or relevance. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Yes, I enjoyed it and believe you will as well. However, a year from now I sincerely doubt anyone not cursed with my stupid incredible memory for bad movie plots will really remember this film. It will just pass by and five years from now when your girlfriend picks it out as something to watch you will remember having seen it after the first 10 minutes. Date movie? Sure, no harm here. It is cute and funny with very little to offend her. Mostly harmless. Bathroom break? The scene where Carrell and Wilde start making out after planning their big number is pretty worthless. There isn’t a scene in this film that missing it will damage your understanding, so feel free to go whenever.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to see something tomorrow night after a scheduled round of Warhammer ETC practice (if you know what that is cool. If you don’t explaining will serve no purpose). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post comments on this review or the film here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected].
Dave
Iron Giant Still Holds Up
I haven’t had a lot of time for blogging as I am dealing with the second flood in my warehouse in a week. My upstairs neighbors are the most moronic dregs of humanity available. I’m seeing Burt Wonderstone tonight so look for that review tomorrow.
However, on Wednesday I went to movie night and my friend Brian showed us The Iron Giant. This movie made my 10 best animated movies list and after last night I’m glad I included it. It has everything a kid and/or adult nerd could want in a film: a giant friendly robot who turns into an unstoppable killing machine. Really, what more do you want for a great flick?
One thing I learned during the course of the film is the guy who made the film, Brad Bird, was considered a failure after this film tanked in the box office and was on his way out when he got an offer from fledgling animation company Pixar to make the Incredibles. Thank god for someone’s sharp eye at Pixar.
Anyway, sorry for the brief blog but I have been up to my bottom in dealing with idiots. Look for a complete review tomorrow. The Iron Giant image comes to us from the Cartoon T Shirt category, by the way. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Oz the Great and Powerful Review
Oz may be great and powerful, but his movie is mediocre and predictable.
It always annoys me when a movie comes out with a title that is so rife with pun possibilities and then absolutely refuses to bury the needle in either really good or really sucktastic. Movie title puns are worthless when the film is content to hover in the mediocre zone, and consequently makes my review that much harder to write.
As members of the movie going audience you and I should be grievously insulted by the lack of respect the studio is showing us in the development of the story for this film. They seem to think we are all knuckle dragging missing links who are easily entertained by pretty scenery and bright colors. Now while that may be true in my case I am insulted for you, my beloved and intelligent nerd reader. I think what we are seeing here is is another example of art being sold out in every way in favor of money. You see my lovelies more and more studios are unearthing vast piles of previously unclaimed cash in the form of foreign market ticket sales. The fact is movies that are pretty to look at but have stupid/simple stories are the ones that make the most money overseas and since a stupid script does not seem to inhibit sales domestically (opening weekend in the US this film cleared $80.3 million) why not write a story that would have a hard time competing against fan created Kirk/Spock slash porn?
In a perfect world this recipe would be self correcting as American audiences eventually figured out how dumb this stuff is and voted with their feet this plan and these films would eventually die on the vine, but thanks to all you knuckle dragging missing links feeding the Great Stupidity Beast with your wallets it seems to still be working.
Sigh. That was a little bitter even for me. I think I am just more burnt because I really wanted this film to be great. The trailers were awesome, the visuals I saw were amazing, and Sam Raime has done some great films in his day. Of course recently he did Spider-Man 3 featuring emo-Peter Parker, so maybe he has lost his touch. I guess I just need to wait until the home movie making technology catches up to the point that three art students and a nerd can create an amazing film in the nerd’s basement before the story bar gets raised up again. I’m just tired of movies with a $215 million budget (to any of my readers in Guinea your entire country’s GNP last year was $199,274,000) having a story that looks like it was written by three guys who failed out of clown collage (AKA USC).
Before I get into the story I’m also going to say this movie is a good example of failure via bad casting. I have nothing against James Franco. I thought he was great in Rise of the Planet of the Apes and really funny in Your Highness. Aside from the burning hatred of 10,000 suns I feel for all Hollywood pretty boys for their amazing lives I can’t really say much bad about him. However, I really think he was miscast as Oz in this film. He just doesn’t read as a powerful wizard or carnival con man. The only thing that struck me as real was his ability to hook up with every hot girl in the film, but even that felt out of character. He just feels too sincere for a charleton. I heard the original cast was for Robert Downey Jr., which in my opinion would have been much, much better.
The story. Oz the Great is a circus performer who uses cheap tricks to get every girl around him into bed (there’s the wholesome Disney we all look for in a family friendly film). While on the run from the Strong Man for hooking up with his wife he jumps into a hot air balloon and is caught up in a twister. He lands in the magical land of color (I mean Oz).
I have used the phrase deus ex machina in other reviews. Translated from Latin (I took three years of that in high school) it means “god from the machine” and when applied to stories it refers to the unexpected intervention of some higher power or events that had nothing to with the story so far to propel the plot. It is a lazy writers tool to get out of a corner and generally makes for a lame story as nothing ever gets resolved from the actions of the characters. 
To say that this movie had a lot of deus ex machine would be like saying that the people of the Soviet Union were somewhat influenced by the Communist Party (Hammer and Sickle image courtesy of the political t-shirt category). Oz is met by the witch Theadora (Mila Kunis-Ted, Friends with Benefits, Black Swan) who immediately tells him that there is a prophesy of a great wizard with the name of Oz will save the land from the wicked witch and become king.
This prophesy is known by pretty much everyone in the land and they all believe him to be the dude. On the way to the Emerald City he rescues a cute flying monkey from a cowardly lion (ugh. This film seriously labors under the burden of referencing everything possible from the original film) and gains a lifetime sidekick. He also manages to talk Theadora into a one night stand (Walt must be spinning in his grave). Once at the city he is told by the other witch Evanora (Rachel Weisz-the Brothers Bloom, the Mummy, the Bourne Legacy) that his quest is to kill the wicked witch Glinda (Michelle Williams-Shutter Island, My Week with Marilyn, Brokeback Mountain).
I hope you are all sitting for the shock I am about to lay on you (big spoiler alert in case you are brain damaged) but Glinda is actually the good witch and Evenora is the wicked one! After Glinda convinces Oz of this by the infallible logic of “Any woman as hot as I am who you have not already slept with must be right” he joins up with the good people of Oz in their fight against the wicked sisters. Theadora eats a bad apple and turns pretty gross looking. More DEM as it turns out that 1/3rd of the population of the land of Oz are skilled craftsmen who can make anything. Oz tries to chicken out but has a completely unexpected change of heart and they all work together to fool the witches that they are not completely defenseless.
The stars. The movie was very pretty, and some of the visuals fairly stunning. Two stars. The monkey and the little china girl were both really good side kicks. One star. None of the women were hard on the eyes, at least before they ate the apple. One star. The evil flying monkeys were kind of cool. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. The story was just dumb. Deus ex machina should only be used if you get into a corner. It should not be the main plot device propelling the story. Two black holes. James Franco was not a great choice for Oz IMO. One black hole. Believe it or not, a lot of the CGI look kind of crappy. Most of the big scenes looked like some artists dream job but when it came time for the CGI creatures to interact with the humans you could really see the difference. The whole thing reminded me strongly of Cool World. Also the 3D was extremely intrusive and at the same time unnecessary. Can we finally admit that it is a technology that no one cares about? One black hole. Total: four black holes.
One star total. Is it worth seeing? Sure, just like any number of more or less worthless Disney films are worth seeing. You won’t walk away with anything but at least it won’t diminish your life. Date movie? Yes, especially if she is a big Oz fan from childhood or is just easily entertained by giant colorful flowers. Bathroom break? There’s a scene towards the last 1/3rd where Oz has to tuck the china girl in bed that’s pretty unnecessary. Go for it.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post comments about this film or my review here. Off topic questions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Escape from Planet Earth Review
Escape from the movie theater.
Based on my general dating success the odds of me every procreating have diminished to the point that if it ever happens it will be a true statistical anomaly. However, if I were ever abducted by aliens and forced to mate with hot green women in some kind of genetic breeding program (fingers crossed) the question may one day arise: would I want my green hybrid alien children to see this movie?
The answer is no. Not because there is some racy reference to something that might be construed as sexual to corrupt their soft super-human brains (quite the opposite in fact. This movie plays it so safe it might as well be a bubble baby). No, just because it is dumb and lazy. I know kid’s movies can get away with not being the Usual Suspects story-wise, but I think a certain amount of complexity in a movie will help stimulate my non-existant child’s brains somewhat. A good kids movie should be filled with bright colors and cute characters for the toddlers, a decent story with fun characters for the preadolescences, and some clever lines and witty jokes to keep the parents from having to fight the urge to beat their children for dragging them to this flick.
Rather than do that this film set it’s sights on the four year old demographic and opted to stop there. 
All the jokes were lame retreads of other bad kids and alien movies (Plan 9 image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category), the characters had no depth and were so fake sounding that they might as well have been motion captured using the inevitable toys that are most likely already steaming over from China, and the story was simplistic to the point of See Spot Run. I know this is a kids movie and as such expectations need to be lowered, but when compared to other brilliant kids movies such as Wreck It Ralph or Brave it is clearly a waste of effort.
One might accuse me of unfairly comparing a small, independent production to the duel Death Stars of animation Pixar and Disney, but honestly in the areas that huge animation studios have a true advantage (3D and animation technology) this film is right up there. Honestly, it had a $40,000,000 budget and was able to pull in some excellent B level celebrities (Brendon Frasier, Rob Corddry, Rick Gervais, Jessica Alba, and Sarah Jessica Parker) for voice over work so you can’t really call it a small production. However, the area where they lagged was in the writing. I have said this before and will say it again, if you have a multi-tens of millions of dollar budget can you not find a couple mil to hire the greatest writers in the world for your story?
As is my policy I will not judge this kids film using my usual rating system. Normally I rank films by how kids in the audience seem to be enjoying it but thankfully the theater was nigh empty when I saw it. The movie grossly exceeded all box office expectations so I guess it can be counted as successful, but honestly there hasn’t been a kid or family friendly movie all year so I wonder if a lot of the box office success stems from “Oh my God we have to get these kids out of the house before they completely wreck the place” syndrome. The timing was just too good for this movie to fail (I predict next year we will have 10 kids movies at the end of February, each of which will fail due to too many kids movies out there. There is nothing Hollywood likes better than to leach on to a trend. Ever see one of those Three Stooges episodes where all three Stooges try to go through a door at the same time and get in each others way? If not check back in Feb).
The story is of Gary Supernova and his brother Scorch (even the names bug the hell out of me. Buzz Lightyear made sense because he was named by a toy marketing agency. I suppose the same could be said to be true here, but for heavens sake try to be a little original), who are some kind of alien professional adventure team or something. Scorch is the action star while Gary is the brains behind the brawn, directing things from a control station while Scorch does his best to have things go horribly wrong. They have missions like rescuing babies (who puts babies by themselves in a space ship? Also, if six babies were in a ship that crashed and they were surrounded by dangerous aliens wouldn’t they send in like 10,000 battle droids? Very little makes sense). Gary has a wife and son who hang out at work with him. The kid is every bit as annoying as a kid action hero can be, plus 3. They team is given a mission to the “Dark Planet”, the most dangerous planet in the universe.
Ugh. Recounting this story is giving me a headache. Scorch gets captured by the US Army (oh, the most dangerous planet in the universe is Earth. Surprise!). Some cartoonish (yes, I know. He’s a cartoon. Still) general is kidnapping aliens to make his super death ray. Gary goes after him and also gets captured. At that point the movie turns into a typical escape movie mixed with Scooby Doo. There is a twist and sub plot but the motivation for all the characters to do anything is so weak none of it makes sense.
Again, I won’t star and black hole it. It seems to be a commercial success so look forward to Escape from Planet Earth II: Scorch’s Revenge or something soon. I will say it was the weakest of the animated films I watched in the last couple years. I enjoy most animated films but was seriously eying the exit. It will keep your 4-6 year old entertained but I believe most older kids will think it dumb. Kids are smarter than most parent think, and have a very keen sense of the lame. As a parent you will be bored stupid. Spare yourself and just throw something on the NetFlix for your rug rat.
Thanks for reading. I always feel dirty after trashing a kids movie, but even stuff for the little kiddiewinks needs to have some accountability. Otherwise we will end up giant dancing colorful creatures with televisions surgically embedded in their stomachs. I am headed to LA this weekend for another Warhammer tournament (West Coast GT, if you actually care). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to comment on this movie or my review here. If you have off topic questions or comments feel free to email them to me at [email protected]. Talk to you next week.
Dave
21 & Over Review
About as bad as you can imagine x2.
When I reviewed Project X I talked about how much I hated high school and how movies about high school kids having fun and getting laid sends me into a murderous frenzy (actually this is a recurring theme for me so unless you are doing something along the lines of Donnie Darko or Heathers you can expect me to excrete all over your high school comedy). However my natural resentment does not really extend into college as I managed to enjoy myself through most of it. Sure, I still wasn’t getting laid but at least I had friends and wasn’t inclined to kill either myself or everyone else on alternating days. 
Thus the opportunity for me to enjoy college comedy movies is wide open. (Animal House image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
Unfortunately 21 & Over took that potential good will and projectile vomited all over it. It’s a high school comedy without the issue of how to get more booze. If you took the DNA of the Hangover, Superbad, and Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (the really bad one), mixed it all up in a dirty ashtray and the injected into a pregnant banana slug the offspring might look vaguely like this film.
At this point I usually find something to say like “The movie could have been decent if they had just…”. I could probably find something like that, but honestly I just don’t care enough. I think the worst part about this film is the complete lack of impression it will make on your brain. If you have ever turned 21 or seen someone turn 21 then you have seen every funny moment in this film, and the rest of the “plot” is only so much paper towel used to clean up the mess. It really is unremarkable in almost ever regard.
I want to take a second to grind a personal axe with regards to this movie. It is rated R for language and nudity. Films that go R for just violence and gore are a waste of potential. If you are going to get the R rating throw in some hot girls. It will often distract the portion of the audience that likes girls from the horrible plot or whatever other miserable failure your film is maneuvering around. This film did that to an extent. However, for every two seconds of naked, shaky camera boob we saw (and I’m not kidding when I say the longest shot was like two seconds) they would gift us with at least five minutes of naked man ass (or dong). I’m reasonable sure that even girls who are into guys don’t want to see that much manflesh, and as a straight guy I can tell you it makes my eyes very sad.
Anyway, the story. Loser drop out party boy Miller (Miles Teller-Project X, Footloose, Rabbit Hole) and preppy future finance guy Casey (Skylar Austin-Wreck It Ralph, Pitch Perfect, Hamlet 2. By the way, who names their son Skylar?) come to town to celebrate the 21st birthday of high school friend Jeff Chang (Justin Chon-Twilight (all three)). They show up only to discover he has an interview with a medical school the next morning and his draconian father (Francois Chau-Rescue Dawn, Beverly Hills Ninja, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: the Secret of the Ooze) is there to make sure he doesn’t screw up (and to provide the only remotely interesting character in the film).
In spite of what is going on Jeff agrees to go out. At that point it is basically a non-flashback Hangover. He gets drunk off his ass. Casey meets a hot girl (Sarah Wright-the House Bunny, Made of Honor, All You’ve Got) who “forgets” to tell him about her boyfriend until after he is totally into her (speaking as a guy who has set foot in that pile of dog waste on pretty much a weekly basis can you women out there just assume if a guy is talking to you there is a reasonable chance he likes you and you should find a casual way of mentioning your significant other in the first two minutes? Otherwise just save him a lot of time and start the conversation off by kicking him in the nuts. I think most of us would prefer that). Eventually they figure out that then need to get Jeff home before his life is ruined but can’t remember where he lives. They do everything possible to find his home while dragging his passed out ass all over town. They have multiple run ins with the girls angry boyfriend, get branded by a sorority (out of basic human decency I’m not going to go into the events that led up to that moment. Sufficed to say I think I would prefer a fortnight at a forced labor camp to seeing anything that stupid again), discover Jeff’s “dark” secret (it is implied that he is suicidal and possible homicidal, but in the end they figure out that he just likes to party too much. F+ on the plot twist), and engage in enough drinking to kill everyone in the theater from alcohol poisoning.
In the end Jeff finally mans up and bitches out his father, has his penis stretched (again, human decency), and Casey gets the girl. Sorry if I spoiled the movie for you but if you go to see this thing after this review you are a glutton for punishment and probably get some kick out of having someone ruin stuff for you. You would have to be in a vegetative state to not have seen the ending coming from miles away anyway.
The stars. Some nude breasts. One star. In spite of how horrible this film is, there were some points where I laughed. I think it’s just some situations are funny no matter how bad the context. Seeing a drunk guy bazooka barf all over a crowd while riding a mechanical bull is as funny here as it would be in Citizen Kane. One star. Total: two stars.
The black holes. The film treats the story like a half dead abused mule dragging the plot from drunken set piece to drunken set piece. By the end of the film they whipped it to death. One black hole. Derivative of every drunk movie and most of your home videos. One black hole. Way, way, way too much naked man ass. Two black holes. Some of the plot devices were incredibly lame. One black hole. Somehow Miller and Casey managed to do a months worth of drinking and drinking games in like two hours. One black hole. The running gag about the girls boyfriend wasn’t funny the first time, and then they beat it into the ground a couple dozen more times. One black hole. The ending was painfully trite and stupid. One black hole. Overall a big waste of my time. Two black holes. Total: ten black holes.
A grand total of eight black holes. I think the producers of this movie hoped that the drinking theme would drag out the party animals and alcoholics, but I don’t think there is enough booze on the planet to make this movie fun. Given that there is so much good film out there right now give it a pass. Date movie? If you and your date are looking for a quiet, empty place to make out or possible have sex this one will do. I don’t think you will be sharing the theater with many people. Bathroom break? Anywhere you like, and by that I mean feel free to whiz all over the projector. You will be doing American culture a service.
Thanks for reading. I feel cleansed now. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review feel free to post them at the bottom. If you have off topic questions or comments you can email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Jack the Giant Slayer Review
Fee Fi Fo Fum. I saw a movie and it was kind of dumb.
I suspect I have some kind of brain disorder that once in a while causes my higher brain functions to temporarily shut down, allowing my stem to make decisions and value judgements (either that or I am just flat out stupid and all of you have been just too kind to tell me. If so, thank you). You see, when I saw the trailer for Jack the Giant Slayer I actually made the mistake of being excited and thinking the possibility of it not sucking could exist.
However, it has been proven that pessimists live longer than optimists and if so the pessimism I have learned doing these reviews will allow me to live to 500. I have a secret desire to see old fairy tales retold and re-imagined as something cool and have experienced the same bitter disappointment when given other Grimm re-do’s like Mirror Mirror or Snow White and the Huntsmen: instead of coming up with some cool twist on the old story they take the story and beat it into a mediocre, mundane shape that is pretty and relatively palatable for the unwashed masses but will never qualify as quality entertainment.
This point was even more driven home with this dross. I should have known when I saw that they cast pretty-boy-of-the-week Nicholas Hoult (Warm Bodies, About a Boy, X-Men First Class) as the lead. Sure, I liked him in Warm Bodies but he was playing a zombie in that one. Hell, I could play a zombie. No, in this one he is pretty clearly here to suck cash out of the pockets of teenage and pre-teen girls. However, the trailer showed huge epic battles with giants wreaking havoc on humans. 
Remember in the prolog of the Fellowship of the Ring when Suaron himself comes out to curb stomp the measly humans and elves. How cool was it when he would send a dozen guys flying with one swing of his mace? That’s what I wanted. The giants come down and start a brutal war and that is what pretty much was sold to us in the trailers.
Nope. Instead we get the usual dross taken from the Big Book of Boring Disney Movie Cliche’s. Any of this sound familiar? Princess wants to run around and know the people. Her dad is going to marry her off to some creepy old guy who also has a plan to conquer the kingdom (given that he was going to be the king anyway can someone tell me why he needed to recruit giants to do it? That was one of the giant plot holes (haw!)) and is more or less evil for evil’s sake. Jack is a lowly peasant who gets magic beans, has a ridiculous series of narrow escapes, rescues the princess, finds the magic MacGuffin that auto-defeats the giants, saves the kingdom, and gets the girl (sorry I should have given a spoiler alert there but if you walked into this film and couldn’t figure out within the first 20 minutes how it was going to end please go stick your head in a wasps nest).
The story. Really, I just gave it to you. Jack (Nicholas Hoult) is some kind of pretty moron who lives with his uncle. The uncle sends him to sell the farm horse and cart (wasn’t it a cow in the story? There is the creative re-imagining I have been begging for. Thanks guys) in order to pay for something. He gets sucked into a puppet show where a he tries to defend a pretty girl from some local color. She turns out to be the Princess (Eleanor Tomlinson-the Illusionist, Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging, Alice in Wonderland). Meanwhile the cart he left outside unattended gets stolen but the thieves left the horse (can someone else explain this to me? An expert ring of cart thieves takes the time to unhitch the cart and drag it by hand through the muddy streets (or perhaps hitch it to another horse) but leave the obviously valuable horse in exactly the same position? Wouldn’t it be about 489 times easier to just lead the horse off and sell the horse as well (if nothing else Ikea would buy it for their meatballs apparently)?). Meanwhile a monk (Simon Lowe-NFA, Nowhere Boy, Large) steals some magic beans from the evil adviser to the king. The adviser (Stanley Tucci-the Devil Wears Prada, the Terminal, the Hunger Games) is engaged to the princess in spite of a massive age difference. His secret plan is to use the beans to climb up to the giant kingdom and use the a magic crown that commands giants to do what he wants.
You know, some story recaps feel more like work than others, and this is one. I’m going into super speed mode. The monk trades Jack the beans for his horse to get away. The uncle gets pissed off. The princess ends up at Jacks place during the rain and one of the beans grows up and takes her with it. The king (Ian McShane-Deadwood, Deathrace, Snow White and the Huntsman) sends his best man Elmont (Ewan McGregor-Episodes I-III, Train Spotting, Big Fish), the adviser, the comic relief, Jack, and a big team of redshirts to find her. Things go bad. The giants go berserk but are confounded by a drawbridge. Jack finds the crown and the giants go home. The worst epilog in movie history surfaces. The end.
The stars. If you hadn’t been hoping to see battle royale and are OK with trite teenie bopper stories it’s not bad. One star. The CGI giants were pretty cool. One star. There were some humorous moments early on (if you liked Your Highness you might enjoy it). One star. What action there was present was OK. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Plot holes that were not only huge, but stupid as well. One black hole. The whole move felt like the executive producer was an eight year old girl. One black hole. Overselling the movie and then making it a trite story. One black hole. If cliche’s were stone blocks I think they made the movie castle out of them. One black hole. The kings costume (and later the princesses) were so stupid looking (sorry, but there is no one in the history of warfare who ever, ever thought armor made of gold was a good idea) that they more or less ruined all the work done by all the decent costuming in the rest of the film. One black hole. I guess the producers were so impressed by the stupid non-existant super weapons of the Three Musketeers and Hansel & Gretel that they decided what the film lacked was a fully automatic machine-ballista. One black hole. The action struggled under the PG-13 blanket like a nerd being given a swirlie. One black hole. The human villain couldn’t have appeared more purposelessly evil if he had renamed himself Vlad the Impaler. One black hole. Total: Eight black holes.
So four black holes. Not great, but not brain damagingly bad. Like most of these fairy tale adaptations it sits on the ghetto side of the Mediocre Valley. Worth seeing? Sure if you are looking for something to do and the local fairgrounds is out of deep fried twinkies. If you are going to see it try to see it on the big screen. The giants will look kind of lame on a little one. Date movie? Maybe, if the girl you are seeing has a thing for princesses and unicorns. Otherwise don’t insult her intelligence. Bathroom break? You don’t want to miss the last 30 minutes when the giants open up their can of whoop ass (I’m not saying it’s great. Just that if you sat through the first 84 minutes you might as well see the best part). I’d say the scene right after the first beanstalk falls and the princess is reunited with the king. Not a lot happening there.
Thanks for reading. I also saw 21 and Over this weekend, so my excrement cup runneth over. I’ll write that one up tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this review or the movie itself feel free to post them below. Off topic questions and suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
