Lincoln Review
SPOILER ALERT: he dies at the end.
I honestly was going to let this one slide by. I had heard all the speeches were boring people to tears, and I have an issue with “historical” movies that actually treat history like a paper towel used to mop up the baby upchuck that passes for stories in most movies these days. I had heard that Daniel Day Lewis delivered a powerful performance, but my contrarian nature tends to disincline me to see what everyone else thinks is great. Just look at how long it took me to finally see the Artist.
Fortunately I have a friend who really wanted to see it and the fact that it is still in theaters says a lot about it’s staying power. Going in I was afraid the film would have me wishing fondly for a return of Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter but I was very pleasantly surprised. Like my experience with The Artist I found myself eating crow with my popcorn and wondering what the hell the deal is with my deep-seated psychosis that keeps me from doing stuff I should enjoy. (Lincoln image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category, incidentally)
The speeches and stories are indeed long. I can easily see how someone who has no patience or appreciation of a powerful performance or craves action films would find this dull, and for you sir I recommend Parker (the film I reviewed yesterday). I consider it a sign of my maturing cinema eye that I enjoyed it so much. In the years prior to starting this blog I probably would have been bored stupid(er). However, when you see every bad action movie done you find yourself craving a film based on more than explosions and cheesy CGI effects (I’m looking at you, Michael Bey).
The story is of Lincoln trying to ramrod the 13th Amendment through congress in the last few months before the Civil War ends. Not only does he have very specific reasons for needing to do so, but he explains them and they all make total sense. He does seem more motivated by the abolition of slavery than I happen to know he really was (Lincoln’s real motivation was always the preservation of the Union. The Emancipation Proclamation was a political move designed to keep France and Great Britain from siding with the Confederacy, and even the 13th Amendment was more to make his Proclamation legal. Here is an excerpt from a famous letter to Mr. Horace Greeley in 1862: “My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not either to save or to destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that. What I do about slavery, and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the Union.” This is why you don’t want to see historical movies with me). I guess some rosy painting is a good thing, although a lot of the really fervent Abolitionism was put in the mouth of assorted Congressmen.
At that point this movie becomes a political thriller as he wheedles assorted Democratic Congressmen to vote yes. He hires a team of guys to do a lot of the dirty work and is both aided and confounded by his main Congressional supporter Thadeus Stevens (Tommy Lee Jones-the Fugitive, Men In Black, No Country for Old Men). His wife Mary (Sally Field-Forest Gump, Mrs. Doubtfire, Brothers and Sisters) seems bent on making his life hell, which she for the most part does. His son Robert (Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Looper, Inception, Premium Rush) drops out of school and joins the army. Honestly that’s about it. This movie isn’t great for the story. It’s about the performances.
The stars. Daniel Day Lewis nailed this roll. Three stars for a stellar performance. All the supporting actors were amazing. Not a bad egg in the bunch. Two stars. Good story and well paced. Even scenes that should have felt like they were dragging were actually timely. One star. Historically accurate enough to not drive me bonkers. One star. It was really refreshing to see a Congress that can actually get something done and compromise, as opposed to the clown troupe we are stuck with these days. One star. There was almost no action whatsoever, and honestly the movie was better for it. One star. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. Not much, really. I was definitely feeling the 150 minutes on my bladder, but didn’t want to cut out for a break. That wasn’t a pacing problem. I think this is going to be one of those extremely rare gem among gems wherein I find no nits to pick. Well done, Mr. Spielberg.
So nine stars and not a single black hole. Definitely see this film. If you missed it in the theater NetFlix is as soon as you can. Well worth your time, and very true to the PG-13 rating so if you want to bring your kids to something both cool and educational go for it. Date movie? No reason not to. Nothing to really get her turned on except a weird liberal satisfaction at seeing justice done in our history. Bathroom break? I actually really needed one and held it. There isn’t a scene in this film you will not regret missing. If you really have to go to avoid embarrassment I’d say the scene where General Grant is negotiating with the Confederate peace commissioners. Less important than other scenes and you get the gist of it in a couple later scenes, but still try to hold it.
Thanks for reading. I’m seeing Warm Bodies and am really looking forward to it, so either I will be effluent in my praise tomorrow or so bitterly disappointed that the bile will ooze from your computer monitor and run all over your keyboard. I hope it’s the former. Follow me on Twitter (please, for God’s sake. My low numbers are starting to hit my self esteem pretty hard) @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post comments on this review at the bottom of this page (if you don’t see a comment section click here). Any off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Parker Review
Same movie, different poster
I think we need two different movie rating scales in our society. The first would be for all the normal movies, with things like Argo at the top and and Jack and Jill at the bottom. The second would be exclusively for Jason Statham movies. You see, his movies kind of defy qualification when compared to other movies. They are usually awful, but weirdly fun and entertaining. Kind of like picking at a big scab. It hurts, and you know you are just going to bleed again and you will probably end up with a worse scar, but you just can’t help yourself.
On the Jason Statham scale of movie judging, Parker is not particularly good. Statham films are usually pretty thin on story, plot, character development, believable action, and acting challenges for Jason but this one is diaphanous to the point of invisibility. I can’t help but feel like this film was either written or directed by a bubble baby; someone who as never actually seen a movie but has had them described to them. I’d also say that the person doing the describing must come from France or some other country that has contempt for American culture as every bad American stereotype possible is trotted out and held up for ridicule.
That’s probably not fair. The screenplay writer also wrote Black Swan and worked on Carnivale (great series if you don’t mind stories getting shut down incomplete). The director did Ray and the Devil’s Advocate. Both of them seem qualified. Perhaps they watched a Stratham marathon as prep and realized that actually putting effort into this project would be an exercise in futility. Or maybe the studios have been studying Stratham films for a while and realize that a certain amount of suck equals box office success (if so, fail deluxe. Parker netted $7MM first weekend and cost $30MM to make).
The story. I’m going to do a quick one sentence summary to see if this sounds like any other Jason Statham movies: Jason Statham plays a criminal with a code of ethics who is betrayed by less moral criminals and spends the rest of the film seeking revenge with the aid of a super hot girl. Sounds like about 326% of them if you count all the movies he is likely to to do in the next ten years. The longer version is Jason plays Parker, an expert armed robber (or safe cracker, or martial artist, or something. There’s nothing in this film he’s not good at except Texan accents). He hires on with a crew of American stereotypes (bald sociopathic head villain (Michael Chiklis-Spirited Away, the Commish, the Shield), fat black sidekick (Wendell Pierce-Ray, Horrible Bosses, the Wire), the hillbilly white trash gadget expert (Clifton Collins, Jr.-Star Trek 2009, Tigerland, the Mindhunters), and the greasy mafia goomba (Michah Hauptman-Iron Man, A Bag of Hammers, S.W.A.T. Firefight). Geez, did they turn past the forth page of the Stereotype Spotters Handbook?). He was introduced to them by his girlfriends father Hurley (Nick Nolte-Cape Fear, the Thin Red Line, Warrior). His girlfriend (Emma Booth-Blood Creek, the Boys are Back, Introducing the Dwights) is some kind of trauma nurse or something. Anyway, the crew robs the Ohio State Fair (white trash stereotypse a go go) and uses a fire vehicle to escape. During the robbery Parker tells a bunch of witnesses his rules for robbing people, which if you have seen the trailer you know already.
Anyway, during the ride out the head villain offers Parker a chance at a bigger job. Parker bows out, so they shoot him to keep his part of the loot. Parker survives and walks out of the hospital with two bullet wounds, uses some trivial detective techniques (anyone watching this film notice how the entire plot would shrivel up and die if the bar owner Parker interrogates for 30 seconds said “Orlando” instead of “West Palm”, thus saving the life of his brother) to figure out where the next job is going to be. Once he arrives in West Palm Beach Florida he gets struggling real estate broker Leslie (Jennifer Lopez-Out of Sight, Maid in Manhattan, Monster-in-Law) to help him find the crew. By the way, at this point in the movie my ears started to bleed listening to Jason Statham try to do a Texas accent. Bring ear plugs.
Leslie figures out that Jason isn’t from Texas (a three year old could have figured that out) and inserts herself into the plan for a cut. The bad guys are going to rob some jewelry using a fire truck (hey, if it was exciting the first time it has to be exciting the second time, right? Coming up with new plot devices is a pain). Jason, in spite of two bullet wounds, two stab wounds, and who knows what else manages to shoot, stab, and bludgeon his way to righteous revenge. 
(sorry if that was a bit of a spoiler, but if by this point in the movie you hadn’t figured out how the plot was going to go I’m surprised you can even read. Wicked Smart image courtesy of the Funny T-Shirts category).
The stars. In spite of being the movie equivalent of chewing on packing foam, I can’t deny there is something fun about Statham movies. One star. JLo is super easy on the eyes and managed to deliver the only credible performance in the film (although that might be greatly enhanced by the mediocrity of the rest of the cast). One star. The comic relief character (Leslie’s mom. Patti LuPone-the Heist, Driving Miss Daisy, Witness) was everything one could hope for in an action movie comic relief character: funny, appropriate, and brief. One star. If you are a fan of Jason Stathams monotone English character this film will fill your cup. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. All the problems associated with most Statham movies: weak story, one dimensional characters, and Jasons Terminator-like ability to take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. Two black holes. Excitement through repetition. One black hole. Milking the stereotype cow dry. I understand that a lot of these films make their money in foreign markets and those markets like to laugh at Americans but if you are going to debut and hope to make money here consider your primary audience. As an American watching the filmakers make fun of Americans to make Chinese audiences laughs makes me want to find them and give them a wedgie that stretches up over the back of their head and covers their eyes (in high school that was called a “covered wagon”. Very painful). One black hole. A house of cards style plot that only seemed to advance through the most tenuous of random coincidences. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A grand total of one black hole. Should you see this? I’m going to say yes for the same reason I say to a good friend “Smell this” after opening a bottle of rancid pickled eggs. There is definitely stuff to entertain you, and if your movie standards are low enough you should really enjoy it. However, if you are the type to punch your “smell this” friend then perhaps you should give it a pass. In spite of being an action film there isn’t anything I would say needs to be seen on a big screen so NetFlix the hell out of it. Date movie? Probably not. Nothing in here is likely to put your date off unless she is truly a delicate flower but her respect for you might suffer a bit when she sees your taste in film. Bathroom break? There isn’t much in here that is critical to your understanding of the plot, so take your pick. I’d say the scene where Leslie is running around showing Parker houses feels like a clip of Cribs inserted randomly into the film and could readily be missed.
Thanks for reading. I finally saw Lincoln and am working up a review for it. More to see soon. I’m also seeing a midnight showing of Warm Bodies and am excited about it. Looks cool. Feel free to post comments on this film or my review at the bottom of this page (if you don’t see a comment section click here). Off topic questions and questions can be emailed to [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
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Important lessons learned from movies: Lethal Weapon 2
I am always looking for stuff I can do short blog posts on and have struck upon something cool. Movies and TV have for the most part given up any pretense of trying to educate the populous (and in may ways can be considered responsible for making humanity stupider in the aggregate). 
However, while the days of expecting anything resembling scientific fact or knowledge has gone the way of the dodo (an extinct species of bird. I never said reading blogs couldn’t be educational) there are still things to be discerned in the common sense department, especially if you plan a career in crime and/or world conquest (Curses Foiled Again image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). Most of these lessons come in the form of watching other guys fail, like “Don’t tell James Bond your diabolical plan and put him in a death trap when you can just shoot him.”
The first run at it comes from the movie Lethal Weapon 2 (1989). The lesson is this: if you screw up on a job that costs your crime boss millions of dollars in gold Krugerrands and he calls you into a late night meeting with only him and his enforcer and you find yourself standing an a plastic tarp, you might question him when he says “Don’t mind the tarp. We are having some work done.” In fact, it is safe to assume you are about to be killed and you might as well pull out your gun and go out in a blaze of glory.
Evil Dead remake?
To suck or not to suck, that is the question.
I have a love of the Evil Dead that stems way back. My favorite is probably Evil Dead 2, but the first one was great as well. Army of Darkness is more comedy than horror (they all are, really), but all of them are great (Ash image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category).
I have long campaigned against the great Remake-ageddon, seeing it as Hollywood throwing off it’s pretense of creating quality entertainment and revealing itself as the money sucking vampire it always secretly was. If this were a studio remake I would have no trouble telling you how I expect it to both suck and blow. However, not only is it being done by Sam Raime but it is owned by both him and Bruce Campbell. They have retained creative control so I have to look at it from the possibility that Sam is creating another campy bad horror masterpiece. One can only hope.
I have also learned that there is no Ash in this remake. At first this seemed like a tragic mistake, but then I remembered that he was much less a critical role in the first movie. Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness were pretty much character studies of Ash (with Kandarian demons), one of the greatest horror action heroes ever, but in the first movie he wasn’t really the lynchpin. Honestly, since there is no real way to recreate him without cloning Bruce Campbell in his 20’s, this could be a great move.
Also, since Evil Dead 2 was pretty much a remake of Evil Dead the precedent for remakes has been long established. For the first time in a long time I am kind of looking forward to a remake, at least to see how it is treated. Don’t get me wrong. It could still be the movie equivalent of dying of explosive diarrhea (let’s not forget that Sam Raime did do Spider-Man 3) and if it is I will relate the experience in excruciating detail. However, the potential to not suck is present.
Dave
Mama Review
Good and scary, but I think a couple great opportunities were missed.
Before I get into this film, let me say that if you saw Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark you can probably drive right past this one. It’s extremely similar in that it’s about supernatural creatures wanting to take away little girls and do something horrible to them. And like Don’t Be Afraid I liked this film and was really engaged, but once again feel the need to beat my fists against the Hollywood wall of unoriginality. However, I do appreciate this story in that it helps illustrate a point I made in my list of the worst Star Trek episodes of all time: while talking about And the Children Shall Lead I said any time a group of children survive in a situation where all the adults died and you are at a loss to explain how, maybe you should keep an eye on them just in case they were aided by an evil supernatural force (or are just evil themselves).
By the way, can someone tell me when Jessica Chastain became the Hollywood “it” girl? She is in freaking everything. On the one hand I am glad for her, as I think she is a talented actor and very easy on the eyes. I especially liked her in Lawless (topless) and Zero Dark Thirty (just darned cool). However, I still harbor some ill will towards her for her part in creating psuedo-artsy crime-against-entertainment film Tree of Life. Some mistakes you pay for forever.
Like I said when I reviewed Don’t Be Afraid of the two types or horror films (terrifying, psychological or supernatural stories verses slasher) I prefer the movies that don’t rely on body count to impress the audience. When 10-15 college students end up on the wrong side of a chainsaw you just never have a chance to connect with any of them. Even the protagonist gets lost in the shuffle. When a story is wrapped around a couple of characters who have an ongoing series of bad things happen you truly identify with them and feel a true empathy. You care and hope all goes well for them. It just makes a horror movie more engaging and less comedic.
This film definitely fits into the good camp and I absolutely connected with the main characters. Overall I enjoyed it. Why, then, do I think there was something that could have been done better here? SPOILER ALERT-skip ahead a few paragraphs if you want to see this film and will lose something by having me run my mouth. You see, Mama is the ghost of a crazy woman who adopts the two girls after their father kills his wife and attempts to kill the girls. We are more or less shown her and what she is in the first five minutes. Later the psychologist thinks that Mama is a manifestation of the older girl’s psyche she has developed a motherly alter ego. What would have been really cool, IMO, is if instead of showing us Mama right away they had played this as a psychological drama where bad things keep happening and everyone keeps blaming the girls until the ghost manifests itself in all her horrible glory. It’s OK to at least try to surprise the audience. This film carries itself on the horror aspect but could have been a great story as well (kind of like the Shining). As it was there weren’t a lot of surprises in this movie.
I had some fun with this movie by mentally playing with the perspective a bit. Like I did when I saw Playing for Keep once I had used my big brain to figure out pretty much how the story was going to end (by about the first 45 minutes) I decided to pretend that instead of seeing a story about the vicious ghost of a crazy woman who murdered her own baby while killing herself and wanting to keep these two girls in seclusion while killing anyone who got between them I was seeing the story of a friendly ghost (Casper image courtesy of the Comic Book T-Shirt category) who tragically lost both her life and the life of her child while trying to escape from a mental institution who rescues two little girls from the murderous rampage of their mental father (who had just earlier killed his estranged wife) and wanted to protect them from their marginally employed uncle (brother of the father. He obviously wanted to inject them into the same dysfunctional family upbringing that created his brother), his punk rock musician girlfriend who had no interest in being a mother and was ill prepared to do anything motherly, and the self serving psychologist who wanted to treat them as a lab experiment for a book he was writing. It’s honestly the truth, depending on which side of the room you are sitting on.
Anyway, the story. Dad goes nuts and kills his ex wife and some other people at work. He takes his super cute girls on a drive into the woods. He finds an abandoned cabin where he plans to murder/suicide the whole lot. Instead he is stopped by Mama. Skip ahead five years and two white trash woodsman his brother Lucas (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau-Nightwatch, Blackhawk Down, Headhunters. Note-in an apparent attempt to keep the cast budget down he also plays his twin brother) hired managed to find the cabin where the girls now live literally like animals. Mama doesn’t seem to stop them from taking the girls to a hospital, where they come into the care of Dr. Dreyfuss (Daniel Kash-Aliens, the Tuxede, Lucky Number Seven), a psychologist. Lucas wants to adopt them with his girlfriend Annabel (Jessica Chastain, looking really hot as a short haired tattooed brunette) in spite of the fact that his former sister-in-law (Jane Moffat-the Recruit, Driven, Moon Point) wants them and actually has a job and a house. Dreyfuss recommends them with the understanding that they stay in the area so he can continue to observe.
Honestly, at that point the story progresses in a very predicable manner. Mama shows up and over time the entire cast becomes aware of her. Dreyfuss has his own agenda with the girls. There is a lot of history on the ghost pulled up. Lucas ends up in the hospital, leaving the girls with Annabel for a while. The ending wasn’t quite what I expected (kudos to the writers) but also wasn’t mindblowingly amazing.
The stars. Very creepy and atmospheric. Two stars. All the characters were engaging, and the actors did a good job overall. One star. The two little girl actors (Isabelle Nelisse and Megan Charpentier) were shockingly good, not to mention cute as a button. One star. The lighting, camera, and CGI (Mama was super creepy) all worked well to put you in the film and scare the heck out of you. One star. Overall very entertaining. One star. A non-typical ending. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. Derivative, and once you got past the creepy jump out at you stuff not really surprising. One black hole. My sympathy and connection with Annabel (really the main character, as Lucas spent a lot of time in the hospital) dropped significantly every time she did something I thought was stupid (i.e. just not bug the hell out once it became painfully obvious something was really wrong). I don’t connect well with characters I think of as dumb. One black hole. The motivation for Lucas and Annabel to make any of the life choices they did in this film were considerably less than clear. One black hole. The punk rocker sub plot added nothing and was actually kind of distracting. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of three stars. Good movie IMO. It’s not a slasher or Saw clone. It won’t rock your preconceptions of what cinema is all about, but it will kill a couple hours. Worth seeing in a theater, as the oppressive lighting might lose a lot on a TV. On the other hand, watching a film about a ghost doing horrible things in a nice modern home might hit you a little harder if you happen to actually be in a nice modern home. Depends on what you are looking for, I guess. Date movie? Yes. Scary enough to have her in your lap but not slasher or horrible enough to make her not want to touch another human being for a couple weeks. Bathroom break? I didn’t black hole the movie for this but it does drag a little. There’s a long scene where Annabel is reading the notes of Dr. Dreyfuss and watching hypnotic interviews he conducted with the girls that doesn’t add anything at all. Most of what is revealed you should have figured out already.
Thanks for reading. More coming out this weekend, so hopefully I will find the time. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments about this movie or my review can be made down at the bottom of this article (if you don’t see the comment section click here). Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Broken City Review
Broken movie.
Not irrevocably broken. There are elements to this film that are quite good, almost bordering on excellent. The performances by both Mark Wahlburg and Russell Crowe were spot on and intriguing. Some of the scenes were very engaging. The problem is the good pieces of this film only occupied about 30% of the film and the rest was filled with carpet remnants and all glued together with spit and rancid bacon grease (AKA the story).
This is an Icarus film, in that it really tried to fly too high and the whole film fell when the wax holding the feathers in place melted. On paper it tries to be a gritty modern NY crime drama, and in it’s aspirations attempts to be a great film noir epic, but the story trips up on gargantuan plot holes, most of the characters seem to lack motivation (or what is presented as motivation seems tertiary at best), and there are some oddball subplots that are as out of place as finding a dead mouse in your bowl of ice cream that later vanishes into the void like a hot girl after my first date with her. There were clearly some attempts at adding subtle subtext that more or less failed. The net result of all the extraneous elements is the story is ponderous and grind-tastic. 
However, they did make the effort. If I were in 3rd grade and this were my homework I could count on a big jolly “Good Try!” with a smiley face next to my C-. (Zoolander School image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category)
The story is of ex New York Detective Billy Taggart (Mark Wahlburg-Contraband, Boardwalk Empire, Entourage), who loses his job after killing the rapist of his girlfriend’s sister (the girlfriend is super hot Natalie Martinez-Death Race, End of Watch, Saints and Sinners) under suspect circumstances. Seven years later he is a private eye. The Mayor of New York (Russell Crowe-Gladiator, Les Miserables, L.A. Confidential) hires him to find out who his wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones-Rock of Ages, Entrapment, the Terminal) is sleeping with. He goes on the trail and in short order finds her seeing the campaign manager (Kyle Chandler-Friday Night Lights, Super 8, Early Edition) of the Mayors rival in the upcoming election (Barry Pepper-Saving Private Ryan, True Grit, the Green Mile). He gives the Mayor the photos in spite of a plea from the Mayors wife. The next day the campaign manager is killed.
At that point the story kind of falls apart. There is a lot of confusion as to who the leak is, and who is killing who for what reason. I consider every time I mentally said “huh?” another nail in the coffin that is the script. Some stuff was painfully convoluted and confusing, and some stuff so handed off with no effort I kept expecting to see Santa Claus on the screen (sorry, but I just find movies that put the entire evil dastardly plan on the first sheet in the first box in the dumpster the main guy digs in just dumb, especially when everything else is shredded except for the one damning part. Why not just have the protagonist find a copy of the script next time?). The girlfriend acting career sub plot vanishes and is replaced by an alcoholism sub plot, both of which add nothing to the story. There is a political debate that might have added something if we had been given more of a reason to be invested in the election, but in spite of their best efforts I couldn’t find a reason to care. The movie grinds out and ends in a way I approve of, but the energy level was akin to a bouncy castle settling after getting a big leak.
The stars. Good performances from pretty much everyone including the supporting characters. Two stars. Cool in concept. One star. A bonus star for at least attempting to make something more than the usual retread crap that is spewing forth from Hollywood. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Big plot holes. One black hole. Poor character motivation all around. Sometimes characters would completely change their attitude for no reason whatsoever. One black hole. Overly complex for no reason most of the time, except for when the writer was feeling lazy and made it stupidly simple. One black hole. The movie feels a lot longer than the 109 minutes. I normally applaud a movie that avoids car chases or gun fights, but this film could have used a car chase or a gun fight. One black hole. Subplots that act like cockroaches on the kitchen floor when you turn on the light, scurrying out of sight never to be seen again. They also never really contributed much, and really just seemed to bog the movie down. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
One black hole. You know, secretly I hate the movies that hover around the middle more than the films that suck so bad I’m handing out black holes like condoms at Plato’s Retreat. At least when I have a movie that earns 12 black holes I have something funny to write about, and if it is the right kind of suck some entertainment can be had while watching it. Oh well. Worth seeing? If you are a Marky Mark or Russell Crowe fan sure. You will appreciated both of their performances. Just don’t expect too much from the story. This film is totally doable on your home screen so feel free to NetFlix it. Date movie? Meh. Not a lot of romance going on, and honestly the wrong brain might fight it really boring. Try to see something else. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but a specific scene could be when Mark and his assistant is trailing the Mayors wife. The scenes you do not want to miss are any of the meetings between Wahlburg and Crowe. Those are the closest thing to interesting this film has.
Thanks for reading. I’m going to see Mama tonight, which looks like it will do some damage to my brain so look for a review tomorrow. Those sorts of films always freak me out. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them at the bottom of this review (or click here if you don’t see a section for it). Off topic suggestions or questions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Mythbusters is looking for zombies? There’s no way this can be anything less than awesome.
So a friend of mine sent me a link to a casting call for people who like to dress up as zombies to try out for an episode of the great show Mythbusters, filmed right here in the Bay Area (Reject Your Reality image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirts). The notice is calling for people willing to show up in camera ready zombie attire with makeup. They need to have full range of movement, including head and torso and need to be able to don helmets or torso padding. Given how cool both zombies and this show are, my mind is spinning as to what zombie myth they plan to test.
When you think about it, due to the fact that they want you to show up in zombie drag they probably aren’t trying to create zombies out of people. I doubt they want to test the whole shoot zombies in the head to kill them either, since that works pretty well for living humans too. Could they be testing to see if a human can outrun a massive herd of shambling humans? The helmet and torso padding mention is throwing me too. Maybe they are training dogs to attach zombie heads? I am totally confused.
If any of you try out and get in let me know what they are working on. I am dying of curiosity. If you can’t talk about it for press reasons I will keep it secret until the episode comes out, but I kind of have to know. Given the massive font of creative cos play and zombie love that is here in the Bay Area they should be getting some of the best zombies this side of the Walking Dead.
If you are interested in participating check out their zombie application form. Good luck, and if you do it I hope you have a blast.
Dave
The Last Stand Review
An action comedy with a massive side of extra comedy.
As a Schwarzenegger fan who lives in California I am first of all glad to see Arnold give up pesky politics in favor of a return to film. This, aside from a supporting role in the Expendables 2, is his first real return to film and I can honestly say I like him better as an actor than a governor.
I can also applaud this film in realizing that what Arnold now does best is make action movies funny and setting up to create a funny action comedy. Unfortunately once they pointed the film in the direction of the comedy cliff they locked the gas pedal to the floor and forgot where the brake was. Unless he is playing a Terminator Arnold naturally brings a certain amount of comedy to his action role (a fact that was brilliantly celebrated in Last Action Hero). That phenomenon kind of negates the need for a comic relief character, and if there is one thing that comic relief character doesn’t need it’s another comic relief character. By the end of the film there was so much comic relief going on that the villain looked like he was trying to escape from a rogue clown troupe.
The other thing about comic relief characters in action movies is the good ones either serious up when the action starts (relegating their comedy to quick one-liners) or have the good grace to slink off and hide inside a dumpster in order to let the action hero do his thing. In this film the comic relief character (especially Johnny Knoxville. Sorry Johnny. I loved you in Jackass but every scene with you in it here made me wish you were currently getting kicked in the balls) play integral and hi-larious parts in every action scene. The natural victim of all this comedy is of course the action, which ended up feeling like a powerful firehose that had a kink in it, reducing the fun to a mere dribble that the director then waved back and forth in order to at least simulate some excitement. By the end of the movie I was begging for relief from the comedy.
The overuse of comic relief was highly reminiscent of a lot of Japanese and Korean films I have seen, and when I looked the movie up on IMDB I was not surprised to see it was directed by Korean director Jee-woon Kim. While I appreciate foreign film immensely and Korea is coming out with some amazing stuff (if you have not seen Save the Green Planet you definitely should) I don’t know if a major action film is the best place for a Korean director to make his debut in the US market. This is the first big film he has done, and according to his filmography the first action film. I know I bitched about a similar phenomenon with regards to writing in my review for the Gangster Squad, but given that this film had a $30,000,000 budget couldn’t they have found a director who has produced a film that has grossed more than the $30MM it took to make this film? (For the record, the Last Stand was number 9 over this last weekend, grossing a lousy $6.3MM. It was beat out by Les Mis, Django Unchained, A Haunted House, Broken City, Gangster Squad, Silver Linings Playbook, Zero Dark Thirty, and Mama)
What bums me out about doing this review is I am a fan of Arnold, and honestly he did a pretty good job. His action was good, and he pulled off a believable and appealing character. I connected best with him and was rooting for him during the action, something all good action heroes need. Unfortunately if he were the the helium balloon part of the film lifting it up into the air, the rest of the cast and the story were massive sandbags weighting it down.
The story is of cartel kingpin Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega-Open Your Eyes, the Devil’s Backbone, the Method) escaping from FBI transfer custody under the command of Agent Bannister (Forest Whitaker-Platoon, Last King of Scotland, Phone Booth). His escape plan involves use of a super fast sports car capable of outrunning most helicopters and having his henchmen destroy any roadblock the police set up (I guess no one believes in spike traps anymore). 
Meanwhile, Schwarzenegger is the sheriff of a small town just on the Mexican border. He is aided by a set of the most incompetent deputes since Barney Fife (Andy Griffith image is actually from our Cheap T Shirt category). They bumble their way around town and manage to introduce us to the comics relief comic relief Lewis Dinkman (Johnny Knoxville-Jackass and not much else). I can say I am not by nature a violent man (that might not be true, but I can say it) but his character seriously made me want to run out into the lobby and punch the guy taking tickets.
Anyway, the FBI are foiled at every turn by Cortez’s careful planning and some stupid action (is there anyone in the world who believes a Humvee can be flipped into the air by running head first into a sports car without the sports car being flattened or at least damaged in some way besides scratched paint?). He is going to cross the border in Arnolds town, where he has already sent a team of white trash mercenaries to build a temporary bridge and shoot up the locals.
The dopey action starts. Dinkman and another guy get deputized. Turns out Dinkman has a massive weapons depot and we get treated to what should have in real life been hours of prep but is covered in a 45 second montage (actually, now that I think about it the timing and pacing of this whole movie was wacky. Cortez is driving a car in excess of 150mph. Las Vegas to the Mexican border is about 350 miles, yet the trip seemed to take like a day and a half). Knoxville tries to prove he is the spiritual son of any of the Three Stooges but unfortunately rolls Shemp. The gang of bad guys rolls into town to duke it out with the sheriff and his moronic deputes in an action scene that was kind of a snooze fest mainly due to the forcible injection of comedy. Stuff gets blown up, guys get shot, cars get wrecked.
The stars. Like I said, I thought Arnold was pretty cool and did a good job. Plus I’m just glad to see him back on the screen. Two stars. The final chase scene and one on one manhunt was pretty good (basically as soon as Arnold shed his comedic anchors the action got good). One star. If what you really want is comic relief this movie is a veritable cornucopia. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Way, way too much comic relief. The whole point is a comic relief character is supposed to relieve the tension from the action. What this movie had was action relief. Also I spent a lot of the film hoping two of the characters in particular would die. Two black holes. The movie had three different tones and shifted back and forth without warning: gritty CSI crime drama with the FBI manhunt, Dirty Harry style action, and Keystone Cops-esque comedy with the deputies. Rapid tonal changes hurts the audience brain. One black hole. Not a lot of originality in the progression of the story. Once the (reasonably) original idea of a prison break was done the rest of the movie was fairly by-the-numbers. One black hole. A few of the action scenes were laughably ridiculous. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A grand total of one black hole, which means it’s not irredeemable. Some entertainment could be had. The biggest problem this film faces is the real draw is going to be fans of Arnold Schwarzenegger from his Terminator or Commando days, and what we are presented is a 66 year old man who has a passing resemblance to the mercenary who beat an alien in hand to hand in Predator. It’s just off enough to kind of bug. Still worth seeing if you are bored and want some action or just want to support Arnold. Totally NetFlix-able IMO. Date movie? Maybe. This film could be a good compromise in the sense that your girlfriend agrees to see an action film (possibly in payment for dragging you to see Les Miserables) but you know if you show her Parker you might have a hard time getting her in the mood. Bathroom break? That’s easy. The A Team style preparation montage does nothing, and if you really want a worthless scene the one where Johnny Knoxville is trying to cut down a telephone pole. Talk about flow breaking and worthless.
Thanks for reading. More later this week, and thanks again to Nora for reviewing Silver Linings Playbook. I probably would not have seen it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have any comments on this film or my review feel free to post them at the bottom of the page article (if you don’t see a comment section click here). Off topic comments or suggestions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Have a great day.
Dave
Gangster Squad Review
A well executed but ultimately lazy film.
I think one day I would like to be a movie producer (one of those producers who doesn’t really produce anything but gets to sit in on the meetings and gets a big screen credit) if only to see how the creative process actually works for film. In my mind I see this film starting with a cool concept taken from actual historic events, casting that would be any directors wet dream, high production values, and in the last three days before production they pay $50 each to a drunken creative writing student, a Minnesota housewife who watches soap operas all day, and a homeless meth head who used to work in a video store to write out the script.
It boggles my mind that a film with a $60,000,000 budget wouldn’t take 1 lousy million and hire the greatest, most creative writers in the history of of film to craft an amazing original story. Instead they seem to treat the writing as secondary to casting, filming, special effects, marketing, and catering so you end up with 113 minutes of formulaic, cliche pap. “We need a reason for Ryan Gosling to join up and hate the crime boss. How about some kid who shines his shoes gets killed in a drive by shooting? We also need a reason for the main character to risk almost certain death when he has a pregnant wife at home and no real reason to care. How about we give him no real reason at all?”
The movie looks nice and you will definitely be drawn in to the Sean Penn character, but the motivations are suspect at best, the action is kind of tepid, the good guy who is going to die couldn’t have been more obvious if they had shown sniper cross hairs on him in every scene, and every event is about as predictable as saying a burst septic tank is going to smell bad. I took the liberty of looking up the screenplay writer (I don’t actually hold the book author responsible. He is writing a book which has a different aesthetic) and with the exception of Castle (where it is not only OK but kind of expected that there be a certain amount of camp cliche) his biggest movie to date is…Gangster Squad. Again, $60,000,000 budget. Why not hire a proven writer?
By they way, he is working on movies that I completely expect to suck like the worlds biggest Hoover: Logans Run (want to see how Hollywood takes amazing movies and remakes them in to lame crap (oh, wait. We just had Red Dawn)?), Lethal Weapon 5 (milk a dead cow a go go), and Justice League (never let it be said that DC isn’t willing to jump on the “Missed the Boat” boat). However, due to the fact that I enjoy Castle I won’t name his name.
Anyway, the movie (some spoilers inc.). Sean Penn (Tree of Life, Colors, Milk) plays Mikey Cohen, a former prizefighter turned gangster who runs crime in LA. Sgt. John O’Mara (Josh Brolin-Goonies, No Country for Old Men, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Truffle shuffle image courtesy of the Movie T-Shirt category) is recruited by Police Chief Parker (Nick Nolte-Cape Fear, 48 Hours, the Thin Red Line) to gun down criminal elements in LA (Parkers motivation is also missing). O’Mara recruits Ryan Gosling (Crazy, Stupid Love (where he also had a romance with Emma Stone), Drive, Ides of March) as Sgt. Jerry Wooters, a sexy, well dressed, deadpan pretty boy who transmits few if any emotions at any time (in other words, every role Ryan Gosling has ever had). He hooks up with Grace Faraday (Emma Stone-the Help, the Amazing Spider Man, Zombieland), who just happens to be Mikey Cohen’s girlfriend (see what I mean about lazy?). His shoe shine kid gets killed in a drive by. He recruits a posse of red shirts including token black guy (Anthony Mackie-Hurt Locker, Real Steel, Million Dollar Baby), token Mexican guy (Michael Pena-Crash, End of Watch, Crash), and a couple of other guys including a dead man walking (Giovanni Ribisi-Saving Private Ryan, Avatar, Gone in Sixty Seconds).
They start taking down mob businesses (if you have ever seen the Untouchables you can probably fast forward about 40 minutes) until the inevitable trap/retribution. Stuff gets blown up, guys get shot, and the fate of the city of LA boils down to a completely unnecessary (from both the film’s perspective and the story) boxing match.
The stars. I can’t say it wasn’t well done or entertaining (there’s your quote for the back of the DvD box: “‘I can’t say it wasn’t well done or entertaining.’-the Nerd Blog”). Two stars. Sean Penn more or less made the movie happen. Two stars. The rest of the cast did well. One stars. Emma Stone is quite the heart breaker. One star. The period portions were dead on and cool (cars, clothes,etc). One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. The story was about as formulaic and derivative as a Choose Your Own Adventure novel with half the pages ripped out. One black hole. The action was actually kind of silly to the detriment of the film. One black hole. The only character that had any motivation to do anything at all was Mikey Cohen. The rest of the gang looked and acted like guys who got caught up in the spirit of a riot and then later wonder what the hell they were thinking. One black hole. Any time a main character does something you know is stupid the movie takes a detour into the Valley of Suck, and O’Mara’s decision to duke it out with a professional boxer for no reason whatsoever was less a detour and more a drive off a cliff. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of three stars. The cast is good and it is well executed, but this film is firmly in the land of the mediocre. Should you see it? Sure, why not? It will entertain you without any of that pesky thinking that so clutters up better written movies. Date movie? I suppose, as long as you can stand up to being compared to Ryan Gosling. Nothing in here will put her off. Bathroom break? There’s a 50’s style barbeque scene that could be pretty easily missed. It’s early, so if you need a break later on I’d say the scene where Cohen is looking for a bug in his house. Honestly, there isn’t a lot of this film that I would say is 100% necessary. You can pretty much extrapolate any scene you miss by just assuming they did the easiest, most cliche thing available.
Thanks for reading. Lots coming up this weekend, but unfortunately I have something I’m doing for pretty much all of the weekend. Believe it or not it’s even weirder and more nerdy than Warhammer. I’ll try to see something tonight. If you have comments about this film or my review feel free to post them here. Follow me on Twitter for the one Tweet a day I tend to do @nerdkungfu. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Zero Dark Thirty Review
A disturbing good movie.
Katherine Bigalow is a very talented movie maker. She has a gritty, no fluff approach that makes for movies that draw you in and engage you in ways guys who think multi million dollar special effects budgets in place of story telling are the way to go never can (cough cough Micheal Bey cough cough). She is an excellent director and I would see and most likely enjoy any film she made.
All her talents are evident in this film and I enjoyed it on many levels. However, this film labors under the curse of not only being derived from real events but derived from real events that we are all intimately familiar with and really care about a lot. I remember being happy when Osama Bin Laden was killed but at the same time being disturbed by the means by which it happened. He was an animal and deserved what happened to him (and were I alone in a room with him I would have happily beaten him to death with the nearest blunt object I could find), but the Unites States is a country of law and seeing men and women of our military and intelligence use water boarding, starvation, sleep deprivation, and summary execution of injured prisoners was really disturbing. This was made even more so in the knowledge that all those things really happened. Like the issue I always had with Titanic the idea of the seven CIA agents killed in a car bomb I just saw on the screen having really died is very off putting, as is the idea that we kept guys naked in a box sleeping in their own filth.
The other victim of the “based on true events” demon is the idea of a story arc. As this film is chronicled over ten years of real events there wasn’t much opportunity to show anything resembling a three act story line, or any kind of plot complication other than “Where the hell is he?” I honestly think some opportunities were missed. The main character, Maya (Jessica Chastain-Lawless, Tree of Life, The Help-hey, a trifecta! I think this is the first time I have had a star where I did three or more reviews) could have actually shown a character arc, but we learn so little about her personally and she plays the character so dead pan that you really can’t come to grips with what she is supposed to be feeling. There is some attempt in the last 1/3rd of the film and some kind of breakthrough in the last 30 seconds, but for the most part she was the robotic soulless automaton. 
The story could have also had more of an arc had they tried to dig a little deeper in to the investigation more Scooby Doo like (Scooby Doo image courtesy of the Cartoon T-Shirt category). You know, follow the money trail, etc. Instead it always falls back on to “enhanced interrogation” of insurgents. By the end of the movie the story felt like it was wearing interrogation water wings.
But again, since this is a true story odds are this is actually how it happened and I can’t really fault the movie for that. I’m just saying if you are going to the film in hopes of seeing something that fits into a more traditional story mode prepare to be disappointed. The story isn’t 100% accurate (in fact, I don’t know if it is even 70% accurate) but it was based on as much truth as possible.
I don’t know if I need to go into the story too much. SPOILER ALERT: Osama Bin Laden dies at the end. The movie covers the 10 year investigation to find him, driven for the most part by Maya in spite of some minor issues with other people trying to set other priorities. She was recruited in to the CIA in high school and has done nothing in her adult life beside hunt for OBL. Other than that, we know literally nothing about her. I actually learned more about some of the soldiers who carried out the raid at the end (and consequently like them more).
Anyway, guys get water boarded (and other things that some people might construe as cruel and unusual punishment). Stuff gets blown up. You get to see a little bit of what might be the internal workings of the CIA. After two hours of very little action you get to see an amazing raid by Navy SEALS that was really cool to watch.
The stars. Generally excellent film, with all of the Katherine Bigalow (Point Break, Hurt Locker) style. Three stars. As long as she was supposed to be cast as a remorseless CIA hunter, Jessica Chastain nailed it. One star. From a history perspective the film was really neat. One star. The raid in the Osama compound was super cool. Two stars. You do end up with a certain grim satisfaction at the end of the film even if you are not of a super patriotic bent (if you are you will probably have to change your shorts). One star. Total: Eight stars.
The black holes. If you are particularily empathetic, or feel water boarding is torture, a lot of the stuff our guys had to do to find him will really screw your head up. One black hole. Pacing was erratic. Sometimes it felt like the film was moving incredibly fast, other times it felt like it had gotten stuck in the mud and the director was just spinning the wheels. One black hole. That lack of a story or character arc I discussed earlier. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of five stars. Should you see it? Probably. If you will be really turned off by the techniques used to hunt him down maybe not, but for the most part this is one of those films every American should see once. Date movie? No, not really. There is nothing going on the screen that will encourage your date to take off her clothes. Bathroom break? That’s a tough one. The scattered nature of this story means that at any moment a critical plot point could be dropped without warning. I’d say your best bet is the scene in Langley where the guy in charge bitches out everyone about how they suck at finding OBL and his cronies. It’s actually a good scene, but doesn’t contribute anything to the plot.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to post comments on this film or review here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected] (invitations by studios to see advanced screenings of movies are particularly welcome. If there are any studio marketing people amoung my tens of readers I’ll buy you a Slurpee if you can make that happen). Follow me on Twitter or subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks and have a great day.
Dave
