The Life of Pi Review
I actually saw this movie last week but have just now (Saturday night at 6:44pm, if any of you want a little insight into what my social life is like) found the time to write it up. To be honest, I have been less than motivated to write this one. Not because it was bad. Quite the contrary. When I see a bad movie I am way more motivated to write it up, like a tiger spotting a gazelle walking with a limp. Nothing but fresh meat. Plus the act of tearing a bad movie several new orifices has a wonderful purging effect, leaving me fresh as a daisy for the next film (sort of. I still have the taste of Jack and Jill in my mouth and that was over a year ago. There isn’t enough ginger in the world to clear your palette from really, really bad sushi).
No, the reason I have been less that motivated to write up this film is it actually was really good and I enjoyed it a lot, but it didn’t tickle my nerd nerve. How many ways can you find to say how beautiful an exquisite painting of a flower is? Sure, you could stand there for hours admiring it but in the end it is a picture of a flower. If I had enjoyed a science fiction or comic book movie I would have had it half written by the time I got home. This is a beautiful movie about a tiger on a lifeboat. Honestly, there isn’t much more I can say besides you should all go see it.
Sigh. I guess I don’t get paid for 250 word reviews (who is paying me for these again? Oh, yeah. No one). Before I go any deeper into it I must say no, I did not read the book. That seems to be the question everyone I tell I saw this flick is programmed to ask. Does that diminish my enjoyment of the film? Maybe. I won’t know until I read it. I have heard from people who have both read the book and watched the movie that the movie is less gory yet manages to retain the main message and a lot of the feel. I will say that it is very apparent that this film was based on a book, if only because this level of sophistication and creative fancifulness has long been missing from the hacks who currently write in Hollywood.
This is the story of Pi, a young Indian who gets trapped on a lifeboat with a tiger (tiger image from the Hangover courtesy of the Movie T Shirt catagory). The story is told as a flashback (suspiciously similar to Titanic, but I’ll let it slide) by adult Pi (Irrfan Khan-Slumdog Millionaire, the Amazing Spider Man, the Darjeeling Limited). It starts out with young Pi (Gautam Belur-first movie credit) growing up in a zoo and learning about how tigers are not friendly. There is a cute vignette about how he got his name. Then he is teenage Pi (Suraj Sharma-also first movie credit). His family is going to sell the zoo animals overseas and immigrate to Canada. While traveling with the animals the boat sinks (by the way, if you have any fears of being on a boat that is sinking this movie will do nothing to help you with that. I do and it creeped me the hell out). Pi ends up on a life raft with a zebra with a broken leg, a baboon, a jackel, and a tiger. In short order the ride is reduced to Pi and the tiger.
At that point it is just the story of Pi struggling to survive both the elements and the fact that there is a tiger in the boat with him. There are some really great moments as he figures out ways of keeping the tiger fed without being eaten himself, and clever ways he keeps himself from going stir crazy. There are some fanciful parts as well, such as star visions and a strange island. I’m not going to get too far into it as there are some cool twists and undercurrents and any spoilers would be a real disservice to a great film.
The stars. For a movie set on a life raft this film had depth that is missing from the vast majority of other films. Somehow the scope of the set managed to seem bigger than it really was, and the interaction between the tiger and Pi much more engaging than most films with two or more human actors. Two stars. A complex story masquerading as simple that managed to draw you in and still surprise you. One star. The film manages to connect you to the protagonist amazingly well. You are really rooting for him and hoping he survives. One star. You also get to like the tiger a great deal. One star. Overall a very high quality cinema experience. Three stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. Not a lot, really. It drags a little towards the middle, and you definitely know you have been in a 127 minute movie. I guess that’s about it. One black hole total.
A grand total of seven stars. Yet another great film that had me entranced without a single gun fight or explosion. I must be finally maturing. Should you see it? Yes. Yes you should. Even if this is not your style you will not at all regret the time. Date movie? An emphatic yes. If you take your girl to see this and Wreck it Ralph and she doesn’t sleep with you lose the number because it isn’t going to happen. Bathroom break? Unfortunately all the best chances to use the rest room are in the first 30 minutes or so. I’d say use the bathroom when the family first starts out on the boat and then hold it for the rest of the movie.
Thanks for reading. I don’t know if I have time to see something tomorrow but if I don’t I’ll try to go out on Monday. My life seems to get busier each month. At some point it will either slow down again or I will hit critical mass. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment on this movie or my review post it here please. Any off topic question or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Thanks again and have a great day.
Dave
Rise of the Guardians review
Fun but kind of soulless.
Yes, I’m back on the reviews and will try to keep up on them. Things on the commercial site are busier than ever and I’m kind of going nuts on it, but I think I finally have things back under control. By the way, if you didn’t read my last post about my friend burning his ass with a hot pocket I highly recommend it. I’m still laughing.
So, Rise of the Guardians. Honestly I think this movie is just a little too polished and perfect. 
It’s like if Data from the Next Generation were to write a kids movie script (Data image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category). He would reference every known source for kids movies, examine every film and treatise available, and ultimate come out with a script that had all the right elements and was technically perfect but ultimately lacking in heart and soul.
This movie was technically perfect. Classic kids references, some humor, and plenty of bright images to entertain the wee tots. However, while I sat in the theater doing my usual “creepy single guy at a childrens film” thing I noticed that a lot of the kids were not really laughing or enthralled in the film. A good kids film should entertain children while having enough adult jokes and references to keep the parents from falling asleep. Wreck it Ralph is a perfect example of this. Honestly I think this one landed too heavily on the adult side of things. The characters and plots were too complex, and the villain was honestly scary. I think the producers wanted to do something more like Coraline but managed to miss the adult wonder of it. This film felt more like it was written for teenagers than kids or adults, except I really doubt teenagers would go see it.
I really went to see this film because it has grossly underperformed in the box office for what a holiday kids film is supposed to do this time of the year and I wanted to see if it was a train wreck. I really think the failure to lock onto the real demographic for kids is the big problem. I also see this as an study of hubris. Calling any film “the Rise of” basically says “We the studio are going to spontaneously create a franchise and you mouth breathing unwashed masses will attach yourself to it because we say you will.” The title says the producers were so confident of this films success that they have already written the next four sequels, and I honestly believe that the one thing that unites the unwashed masses is a resistance to being told what to like. It’s subtle, but I think when at the box office most of the people on line do not want to get sucked into a franchise they know nothing about. Title failure IMO.
On the other hand, this film is one of the more visually stunning films I have seen. I liked that aspect because it really shows what good, well applied CGI is capable of. The images and art direction is great. I will also give massive props for the very creative re imagining of Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Sand Man, and the Easter Bunny. If this isn’t what the real classic character are like in a perfect world they would be. Santa is a brusk, Russian, sword wielding Czar, the Tooth Fairy a hyper type A fairy assisted by thousands of tiny mini fairies, the Sand Man a whimsical silent fat kind soul, and the Easter Bunny (my personal favorite) a 6’5″ Aussie jackrabbit with boomerangs. Jack Frost (the protagonist) is a white haired hipster prankster with the power of winter.
Of course, all great comic-like movies rest on the strength of the villain, and in this case they pulled it off with Pitch Black, the Boogieman. I say pulled it off because while he was perfectly executed he was entirely formulaic in his style, plan, and personality. This is really where the soullessness comes in. He is like the perfect villain grown in a medical lab, with just the right element of sinister yet weirdly appealing and human. I can’t put my finger on what it is about this film that seems too polished, but I think a lot of it resides in Pitch.
The story. Jack Frost is an independent sprite who wanders around causing kids to have fun in winter. He was created by the Man in the Moon, some kind of ill defined god or king. Jack gets drafted into the Guardians, a team of mythical fairy tale creatures who’s vague job is to protect the children of the world. Their relative strength resides in how many children believe in them (anyone ever read Hogfather by Terry Pratchet? If so this story will seem suspiciously familiar) and since no one really believes in Jack Frost he is the one with the least solidity. Pitch Black is bitter because no one believes in the Boogieman any more and so sets on a course of taking over the Sand Mans dreams to instil nightmares into the children while at the same time convincing the kids that the others don’t exist, thus draining their power (this was a little vague, by the way. At the beginning of the film no one believed in Jack Frost yet he had all kinds of winter related super power, but as the others lost believers they all were drained or diminished. Also the loss of belief happened with all the gradual pacing of flipping off a light switch).
Anyway, at that point it is the classic struggle of good verses evil. We get to see some great visuals (I especially liked the Easter Bunny’s kingdom) and Pitch does what villains usually do. I don’t want to give away any spoilers, but really there is nothing in here that would really surprise you.
With kids movies I don’t do the stars/black holes. I usually judge them by how well the kids in the audience seemed to be responding. By that basis I think I’m going to have to deem this film not so great. Kids were not laughing or going nuts. There were long stretches of dialog and expository flashbacks that I think a kid would find downright boring. Pitch Black was honestly scary (the film got a well deserved PG rating) and there was even one death (sort of) scene. I honestly think this film tried way to hard to appeal to everyone and ultimately didn’t really appeal to anyone. Jack Frost was in there to appeal to the teenage girls (geez, they even got Chris Pine to do the voice), there were cute walking Easter Eggs for the little kids, and a fairly complex story involving torturing kids in their dreams for the adults. Trying too hard IMO.
Worth seeing? If you like animated movies then sure. The visuals alone make it worth the time. However, if you are only going to see one animated film this season I think Wreck It Ralph is way better. Take your kids to see it? Sure, if you are desperate, but I think Ralph again is better. Date movie? Yes. Not as good as Ralph, but good nonetheless. Bathroom break? Weirdly enough this is one film where I think the action scenes are the more disposable. The best visuals and character development are in the non action films, and when the fighting starts it tends to get kind of muddied up.
Thanks for reading, and look for my Life of Pi review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review of it feel free to post them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions email them to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
A funny story and warning about Hot Pockets
Yes, I know. I’m supposed to be writing movie reviews, and have a couple lined up to do. However, while it might seem to you gentle readers that I write most of these by rolling my face back and forth over the keyboard while high on horse tranquilizers, the fact is they each take a couple hours to write and this time of the year I don’t have ten minutes to burn. I’ll try to get one done later today but am super slammed right now.
As a quick alternative, I think it fair to say that to a man and woman I have the most amazing friends on the planet. They are smart, interesting, and above all funny. Case in point; I woke up this morning to a series of texts that had me laughing hysterically for about half an hour straight. I’m lucky to have survived the drive to work. For your edification here is the text series:
6:49 am my friend: “I accidentally sat on a hot pocket last night. It went off like a plasma grenade. Hurt for hours.”
7:35 am me: “Wow. Sorry but I just laughed my ass off. Sympathy for your pain. Plus the tragic loss of your hot pocket.”
My friend: “It hurt like hell. The cheese blew all over my legs and burned like napalm.”
“Right through my jean shorts too. Not to mention I was forced to eat my remaining pack of ramen so I’m f***ed for the zombie apocalypse.” (zombie apocalypse image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category)
Me: “Sorry but nothing you are saying is slowing me down on the laughing.”
Friend: “There’s a hot pocket with your name out there somewhere and you won’t be laughing when you’re having to explain the permanent bald spots on your legs from the burns.”
“I look like a disabled oil rig worker.”
Me: “Now there’s a sobering thought.”
Friend: “Someone get a cap on that second hot pocket or it’ll go up too!”
Me: “You should sue hot pockets. If nothing else the headlines would be awesome.”
So in addition to illustrating what kind of insensitive jerk I really am, I think this story can serve as a warning for the real danger of Hot Pocket sitting related accidents, or HPSRA. Spread the word!
Dave
Red Dawn Review
Red Dumb.
I can’t say this film wasn’t competently made. If it were an original film I would probably have a lot of positive things to say about it. It is exciting and chock full of hot young kids. I could definitely find some black holes in it, but as a stand alone film it was kind of fun.
The problem I am having is it is a poor remake of a movie that wasn’t that great to begin with. The original Red Dawn was at best jingoistic masturbation material for uber patriotic gun nuts. Back in the glory days of 1984 Russian invasion was a legitimate concern and most of America was ready to prove their loyalty by watching this film. This new incarnation is pretty much exactly the same, but the fear of invasion by North Korea (Population 24,589,122. California alone has 37,691,912 and supposedly the Koreans take over the entire West Coast) is laughable. Sure, they wrote in some uber weapon but given there are 9 guns in the US for every 10 citizens that means California alone has 30 armed citizens for every one of North Korea’s 1,106,000 soldiers. This is the same problem faced by writers of Superman stories; he is so powerful that no villains ever measure up.
What’s funny is the original story was supposed to be China invading, which is something I would more readily believe. However, given that a massive amount of movie revenue comes from China and there is no way the censor there would approve a film showing Chinese soldiers being gunned down by the Acne Brigade, they made the financially sound yet intellectually stupid decision to go with the Koreans (with some help from the Russians).
No, it’s not the rediculousness of the invading country that has me bothered in this remake. It’s the fact that they softened the hell out of this film in the ongoing campaign to cat-ify (feel free to substitute any synonym for “cat” that you think might work in that last sentence) our population. As I walked out of the theater I thought back to the 1984 film and realized the one thing they did brilliantly was show the degeneration of typical American kids into savage, brutal freedom fighters. In that movie they count coup, execute prisoners, and in time become almost animals in their thirst for Russian blood. There is a particularly brutal scene where one of their own team is forced to swallow a tracking device and the local psychopath executes him without a moments hesitation. In the end they are more or less slaughtered to the last man while letting a couple escape.
Nope. None of that here. There are a few red shirts who die, but for the most part with a little really dumb training sequences these kids are ready to not only beat the hell out of more than their weight in professional soldiers but do it while holding the moral high ground. SPOILER ALERT: the transponder being swallowed is replaced by one implanted via a knife or something and once they figure it out the guy they implanted it into is just left behind to make his last stand. There is no brutal scene with any kind of moral grey zone, and at the end of the movie instead of showing the harsh last stand of the guerrilla fighters the Wolverines turn into some kind of super force equipped with Mad Max style cars that attack the North Koreans at will and destroy all in their path. There was one scene where one of the fighters had his own collaborator father in his sites which could have been brilliant, but instead they do nothing.
During the course of all the remake reviews I have done I have come to the conclusion that there are two kinds. There is the reboot where they take the original idea, rewrite it with interesting new concepts, and in the end come out with something that actually enhances, adds to, or exceeds the original. Dredd is the best recent example of this rarity. The other type is where they take the original script, modernize it a little, soften things up to keep from bruising the delicate psyches and sensibilities of the fragile audience, cast whoever the latest teen heart throb is to play main character, and ultimate do nothing but waste a lot of time and oxygen. Footloose is the penultimate example of this dross, and Red Dawn is another.
The story. Sigh. Just go rent Red Dawn and watch it while completely encased in muslin and bubble wrap. It’s pretty much Red Dawn Lite. The kids are prettier, less of them die, and they don’t turn into psychopathic killers. The North Koreans don’t managed to ambush and slaughter them with Hind helicopters. Instead of a rescued American pilot to give them guidance they have a team of Marines sent in to make contact with them. Oh, that reminds me. Instead of having them portrayed as struggling to survive while hurting the enemy as much as possible let’s give them a MacGuffin that will save all of America once they capture it. I have railed against this before but I have to say again: sometimes it’s OK to have a story that doesn’t hinge on saving the entirety of the universe.
The stars. Overall fairly exciting and fun, if you don’t want to think about it too much. If you have never seen the original you might quite enjoy it. Two stars. Chris Helmsworth was pretty good. I think he is actually a decent actor. One star. Some of the action wasn’t over the top. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Remaking a mediocre movie and taking out all the elements that actually made it intriguing. One black hole. These kids go from high school losers to the A Team in like two minutes of half assed training. One black hole. I am so sick of MacGuffin based movie plots. One black hole. 
I know this is totally petty, but with the exception of the Kalashnikovs carried by pretty much everyone all the weapons and vehicles were clearly American. At one point one of the guys asks to borrow one of the other guys SAW (as in M249 Squad Automatic Weapon, a support weapon used by the American army and Marine Corps. AK-47 image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). One black hole. In an effort to pay tribute to the Hollywood God of Stereotypes it is the black guy who has to sacrifice himself for the greater good of the team. One black hole. With the exception of Chris Helmsworth, his brother, and the black guy I swear I couldn’t tell any of the other characters apart. They were to a man and woman good looking young white people who looked and sounded exactly the same in spite of having some different back stories. Also, a good friend of mine from Washington was quick to point out that no one up there looks as good as those people did. It was like a big Ambercrombie and Fitch ad with guns. One black hole. Speaking of back stories, they inserted a few sub plots that really went no where, like the appearance of Russian Spetnatz and so on. One black hole. And finally, one more big black hole for basing a movie on a laughable premise and avoiding the only good premise in the pursuit of a buck. Total: eight black holes.
A total of four black holes. Meh. Worth seeing? I suppose if you don’t want to see anything of real value and are OK with remakes. The action is fun and if you are of a super patriotic bent you will probably need to change your pants after having all your violent pro-America fantasies shown on the screen. Honestly, you won’t feel like you wasted your time or money. You just won’t have gained much from it. Date movie? Hell no. Bathroom break? The whole training montage felt like a big fat waste of time, but that is pretty early in the film. Any of the non shooting scenes can be missed, but if I were to pick a scene I would go with the one where the three man American team is meeting with the Wolverines. I honestly think the last part of the movie would be better if you didn’t know what the magical device they are going for is.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter for the one Tweet a day I am averaging @NerdKungFu. If you have comments on this review or the movie please post them here, and if you have any off topic suggestions or questions feel free to email me at [email protected]. I just saw the Life of Pi and will review it tomorrow. As a preview, I have to say it is pretty amazing. Also, some good friends of mine (and die hard Star Trek fans BTW) are trying to get some money together for a sci fi film project. If you are feeling generous please visit their KickStart Campaign and do what you can. I promise that if they get the film done I will watch and review it for you. Thank you all for your support, and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!
Dave
Head Nerd
Goodbye Larry Hagman
I was saddened to learn this morning about the passing of Larry Hagman, the man behind Dallas. I wasn’t much of a fan of the show, but my mother loved it and I suspect had a thing for JR Ewing. However, I was a big fan of I Dream of Jeannie (I have long had a secret desire to have a hot Genie in a bottle) and enjoyed him a lot there. His filmography is truly impressive. I also really liked him in Mother, Juggs, and Speed (If you ever think you really don’t know what the 70’s were about watch this movie), the Streets of San Francisco, and I really enjoyed him in Nip/Tuck.
For those of you who claim to be connoisseurs of bad movies, he also directed a film in 1972 called Beware! The Blog! This is a sequel the the Blog and looks horribly good if you know what I mean. I have already suggested it to the guy who does my groups bad movie night as a tribute to the passing of a great actor.
Anyway, I am very sorry to see him go. From what I have heard he had a pretty good sense of humor, and that is something I always enjoy in a celebrity. (the image I got from the TV show t shirt category, by the way. I think it apropos).
Dave
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II Review
Something broke in that theater. I think it was my brain.
Do you know why so many hapless red shirts died in the original Star Trek series (I swear I have a point and am not just finding excuses to talk about Star Trek in my Twilight review)? It’s because whenever a character, even a minor one, dies it indicates that the story and situation are extremely serious. It’s a way of drawing you into the story and actually caring about what happens. The old news phrase “If it bleeds, it leads” can be rewritten for fiction into “If no one dies, no one cares” (Dead Man Walking image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirts).
The point is the entire Twilight series has been about as willing to let any character of any worth die as any hot girl is willing to go on a second date with me (by that I mean extremely unlikely, to any new readers out there). This seems to have been true in all the movies, but never so much as in this one. By the end of the movie I was expecting to see all the sets wrapped in bubble wrap and corner protectors like a house baby proofed by the most anal and overprotective parent in history. Stephanie Meyer seems to treat these characters like spawn of her own loins in every sense of the term.
I’m about to get extremely free with the spoilers, so if you are some kind of freak who plans on seeing this movie without having read the books for any purpose other than to write a bitter and acerbic review you should probably just skip to the end where I beg you to follow me on Twitter.
The part that really crushed me was towards the end. You see, the entire series has been building up towards a huge epic battle between the vampires, werewolves, and some other vampires called the Vulturi. After literally hours of teasing the crap out of it they finally throw down and I have to say it was pretty freaking cool. For the first time in the entire series I felt pulled in and actually excited. Vampires and werewolves were dying in big batches, including some of the main characters (which kind of made sense as this is the last episode). Super powerful vampires were being foiled by other vampires and vamps that had been more or less jerks for the entirety of the series were getting their long deserved comeuppance. For the first time ever I started to doubt my conviction that the Twilight series was the McRib of the film industry.
Then, in the biggest blue ball inducing cop out in the history of movie making the entire bloody mayhem scene turns out to be some kind of induced vision brought on by the future seeing vampire (that was the big spoiler, by the way. Sorry if you didn’t take my advice a few lines ago and skip to the end). Absolutely nothing gets even remotely interesting, and they pull an ending so painfully happy and cheesy that it would embarrass an episode of My Little Pony (no, I am not a Brony). I didn’t think a writer had depths deep enough in his (or in this case her) ass to pull this ending out of. Nothing is resolved, nothing really changes, and everyone wanders off to a blissfully happy immortal life while all the interest and tension they managed to actually build drained out like a water balloon hit with a shotgun blast.
I am going to join all the other reviewers in a lemming-like chant of saying that this is the best of the series, but that is like having to swim in three different pools of raw sewage and Hep C before finally finding a pool only filled with pond scum, dead rats, and tuberculosis. It is the Revenge of the Sith of the Twilight series, but like that episode it is still part of that horrible family of films.
Before I get into the story, I want to rail a bit on a few things that really bugged me in this film. First of all, for a movie that had a $120,000,000 budget the CGI wolves still look like stickers taken from a nature book and stuck into a children’s coloring book. I thought we had progressed beyond bad CGI. However, as bad as the wolves looked the were like a nature documentary compared to the CGI baby Renesmee (still the stupidest name for a baby ever). It literally looked like a Cabbage Patch Kid.
As bad as the baby looked, it still was more human and lifelike than Animatronic robots they got to play the main characters. Kristin Stewert overwhelms every scene with a massive tsunami of mundanity and wooden facial expressions. I would have taken even stupider looking babies and wolves if they could have CGI’d some acting into her performance. Talk about overrated. Robert Pattinson was not much better, but he was better and therefore his bland performance was totally eclipsed by Kristin’s.
I suppose at some point I should get into what passes for a story here. It is actually the best part of the series and the most linear and non aggravating one to date (mainly because it skips on the whole Bella/Edward/Jacob bland love triangle and focuses on something even slightly interesting). The story picks up almost to the second where the last one ended. This is a good thing, as the first movie was nothing but padding to milk more money from brain damaged teenaged girls (and bitter movie reviewers). Bella is now a vamp, and has to learn to control her yearnings which she does with remarkable ease. She and Edward are supposedly deeply in love, although their sexual chemistry has all the passion of an amoeba reproducing through binary fission. Their child Renesmee (even typing it hurts my eyes. When I finally conquer the planet any of you who thought this is the perfect name for your child will be relocated to slave camps at the bottom of the ocean) is growing up at 7 times normal rate. Jacob has imprinted with her as an infant (nothing creepy to see here folks. Keep moving on) and acts as her protector, which is pretty good since Bella and Edward seem totally content to ignore her for the most part. She is growing up fast and in no time is the exact age of the child actress they hired to play her (Mackenzie Foy).
She is spotted by some other vampire everyone else seemed to recognize but I couldn’t pick out of a lineup to save my life (the film was kind of overrun with hot blond girl vampires). She runs to the Vulturi where it turns out one of the biggest laws they have for their culture of people who eat people is never turn a child into a vampire (if this is their biggest law why is it we never hear about it before now? I hate it when writers make stuff up to facilitate the story and then act like you are stupid for not knowing it all along). The head guy (looks like a younger, heavier Alice Cooper) has some trick where he attacks a vampire family, kills them all off but one, and then recruits that one into his secret vampire army (? Anyone else have an issue with the idea of recruiting someone by murdering all their friends and loved ones?). He wants Alice, the future seeing vampire. Edward and his brood run around trying to recruit vampires from across the world to act as witnesses and red shirts for the upcoming epic battle. Battle is joined, and then not as it all turns out to be one of Alice’s vision.
The stars. I want to give this one a star for an actual coherent story, but honestly it is only good in comparison to the other three. I guess I can afford to be generous due to the broken firehose of black holes I am about to spew all over it. One star. The fake action scene was actually really good up until the part where it was proven fake. One star. The annoying romance got way less annoying once Jacob stopped mooning (haw!) over Bella. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Creating a really cool and bloody action scene with lots of great death scenes of characters who well deserve it only to make the whole thing into a fake. Two black holes. I’m not even exaggerating when I say I’ve seen the Muppets deliver better acting and more believable characters than Bella and Edward. At least their facial expressions change when they are supposed to be sad, scared, or happy. Two black holes. A million billion minor characters pulled out of no where that we are supposed to give a crap about (If she were fourteen I would swear that Stephanie Meyer is one of those RPG players who loves nothing more than rolling up hundreds of characters and then creating backstories for them). One black hole. If you haven’t seen the whole series you will be lost at sea without a paddle on this one. One black hole. CGI that is an insult to the industry. One black hole. I know I hit them with this every movie but it remains a thing: vampires who glow in daylight. One black hole. The vampires we are supposed to have sympathy for lose a lot when they are slaughtering people who are begging for their lives. One black hole. A big giant Amber Alert for the whole Jacob/Renesmee romance. One black hole. At no time in this movie (or the entire series, for that matter) does the movie subject matter at all have anything to do with twilight, dawn breaking, new moons, or eclipsing of any kind. One black hole. A happy ending that even the Disney writers would figure as too campy to be taken seriously. One black hole. Total: twelve black holes.
A grand total of nine black holes. Should you see it? If you are a mewling teenage girl who wants to see Taylor Lautner with his shirt off than sure, why not? Honestly, it boils down to fandom or not. If you have seen them all, read all the books, and have the entire Twilight cast tattooed on your back then by all means go for it. I’m sure you will enjoy it in the same way fans of Nascar enjoy watching cars go around and around a track. If you have not seen the whole series then believe me when I say this film will be a massive waste of time and money for you. Date movie? If your date is a huge fan you will score some good points by being willing to see it, but be warned as I would bet she will want to subject you to the entire series beforehand and that is a torture not to be borne. Also, there is a pretty good chance your date is an insane psychopath. Bathroom break? It’s one big 115 minute bathroom break as far as I’m concerned. However, if you want to find a scene that is more worthless than the rest of them (and that is a deep pit to be reaching into) I’d say any of the Bella/Edward “romance” scenes. It’s nothing you haven’t seen done as mediocrely in the other films and adds el zilcho to the story.
Thanks for reading. Looks like a painful week for your humble reviewer, as I have nothing to do for Thanksgiving except watch Red Dawn. I expect this movie to be the zenith of unnecessary, crappy remakes and could actually cause the long anticipated Movie Apocalypse. Please follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have any comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Any off topic suggestions or questions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Hate mail from fan boys (or girls) will be completely disregarded, so if you want to tell me what kind of idiot I am best to do it here. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, and I will talk to you soon.
Dave
Skyfall Review
Something is falling.
I saw this movie last night and can see why everyone is gushing all over it like it is the Earthly manifestation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is a good film, but all day something about it has not been sitting well with me. It has all the elements of a great Bond film: a really good Bond actor (Daniel Craig, the best since Connery IMO), an excellent director (Sam Mendes-American Beauty, the Road to Perdition (a very underrated movie)), some hot chicks, a budget big enough to create anything the director really wanted, and Judy Dench. All the pieces were there to make for a great movie, but something about it bugged me like a high pitched tone in the background that you don’t really notice but will drive you nuts and then, once you do notice it, you can’t here anything else.
There are some obvious things for me to bitch about. The story is at the same time extremely simple yet labyrinthine. It frog jumps from plot point to plot point in random directions and every time they need something to propel the story along it just manifests itself out of the ether. I guess it fair to lay a lot of that on the writers (Neal Pervis and Robert Wade) neither of whom have written a Shawshank Redemption. They were both in on Casino Royale, which is to their credit, but they also did Quantum of Solace and were involved in the abysmal Johnny English Reborn, so I guess the need to get paid supersedes the need to create amazing. However, I have seen many movies with weak stories and I can say my current disquiet is not really from that.
I suppose another obvious thing is the fact that it goes a big 143 minutes yet seemed like 400. The action scenes are great, but in between them there are a lot of very slow expository scenes and long shots of car bumpers. Cloud Atlas went 172 minutes yet honestly this one seemed significantly longer. This issue I can lay at the feet of the editor and director, but I have seen badly paced movies that don’t bug me like this one did.
No, what I finally realized was bugging me was the fact that this movie isn’t really about James Bond. James Bond is a smooth, sophisticated, sexy, well dressed guy we could all aspire to be. His life is awesome and I could only dream of living it. The Bond in this movie is conflicted, alcoholic, unshaven, in terrible physical shape, and dressed like he shops at the Walmart outlet store. His love interests are limited at best and he spends more time playing out his Oedipal issues with Judi Dench than chasing tail. His character would actually be really cool if he were doing a Die Hard movie or anything starring Jason Stratham, but calling him James Bond is like calling the whino the local mall got to play Santa Claus Saint Nick. 
The problem bugging me is the same problem I had with the whole Star Wars prequel: Lucas took one of the coolest, most bad ass character in the history of film (Darth Vader) and remade him as a whiny little bitch with daddy issues who you know deserves to get his lunch money taken every day at school (Who’s Your Daddy image courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirt category). This isn’t the James Bond I was looking for.
Actually, now that I think about it this is exactly the same issue I had with the last Batman movie. Bruce Wayne is not supposed to start the movie off as some kind of invalid. It bugged me then, and I guess it is bugging me now.
I know. My issues. I will give massive props to this movie for calling out a lot of classic James Bond moments, including the original car with the machine guns. Very cool. The action was generally good, especially the opening chase sequence. Honestly, I’m not here to dump on this film, and realistically it is the best of the Daniel Craig Bonds thus far. I just have some problems with the character.
It starts off with James Bond (Daniel Craig-the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Layer Cake, Casino Royale) chasing a guy with a MacGuffin (in this case a hard drive with a list of every secret agent in the world or something. Why does it always have to be the biggest thing ever every time? How about one where it is the secret ingredient in Coke?) in Turkey and assisted by a very hot girl (Naomie Harris-28 Days Later, Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man’s Chest). He fights the guy on top of a train and his assistant accidentally shoots him in the chest. He falls hundreds of feet into a river and down a waterfall. Then, with no word of how he survived and hid away from the greatest secret agency in the universe looking for him (remember that mention of plot stuff just being ignored? Turkey is not uncivilized. If some local fisherman pulled a guy out of a river with two bullet wounds in him they would call an ambulance, not nurse him back to health in secret) and spends his time drinking on a beach. Meanwhile, M (Judi Dench-J. Edgar, Casino Royale, the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) is being called to the carpet over losing the list of all the secret agents in the world. She has her office blown up and it looks like there is someone with something personal against her.
Bond travels back to England and in spite of being recently shot and on an alcoholic binge is approved for duty by M, who seems to want to see him killed or something. I want to go on a little tangent here, and since this is my blog I will give myself permission to do so. About this time he digs out fragments of the bullet in his chest with a pocket knife and has them analyzed. They turn out to be made out of depleted uranium and since there are only three guys in the world who use them (how exactly does MI6 know that?) that leads him to the guy they are looking for. Here’s the deal on this ball of stupidity. DU rounds are generally made in 30mm or larger, mainly because they are used for anti tank rounds. There is no advantaged to using them in a hand gun, unless you want the gun you wear under your arm next to your heart and lungs to be radioactive. Oh, yeah. They are radioactive, which means that if James Bond has had them in his chest for three months I hope he has made peace with God because there isn’t a lot to be done for radiation poisoning. Also, if you were a bad guy and had enough depleted uranium to make a bunch of bullets you could become insanely rich selling the material to terrorists to make a dirty bomb. Sorry, but I expect smarter from a Bond film.
Anyway, James is on the case and travels the world. Eventually he comes face to face with the bad guy and, in another move that actually gets my approval and appreciation, it is a Bond villain cut from the same cloth as Goldfinger and Oddjob (well, cut from the scraps of cloth left over from the great villains and then stitched together with dental floss, but still). I don’t want to get too much into him or the rest of the story as there are some spoilers I could be dropping and won’t be responsible for that. I will say he pulls the old classic by not shooting Bond first chance he gets. Awesome. Bond beats up guys, shoots guys, blows up guys, and has bitchy, passive aggressive arguments with M.
The stars. Daniel Craig has definitely inhabited the role of Bond, and has made it his own. He is a very good actor, and it shows here. Two stars. The rest of the cast pulls out some great acting, especially the new villain and Judi Dench. Two stars. A lot of the action was really good and believable. One star. Naomi Harris is very easy on the eyes, as is the other girl. One star. Bond film. One star. The classic Bond car. One star. Generally entertaining. One star. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes. The reinventing of James Bond into John McClane. One black hole. The massive skips in plots in order to make the writers jobs easier (Hey, coming up with connection plot points is hard!). One black hole. Pacing alternated from fast and exciting to excruciating and dull (I literally had to struggle to stay awake at one point, and I stayed alert through the entirety of Cold Light of Day). One black hole. The whole depleted uranium thing, and a few other plot holes. One black hole. The new Q should have a flashing sign over his head that says “I’m a hipster duechebag inserted into this film in order to appeal to moronic young adults.” One black hole. The only character who really qualifies as a Bond girl is M. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of five stars. Worth seeing in my opinion, but don’t go expecting to see the Bond you have always know. If you were to treat this as a stand alone spy movie I think you would get a lot out of it. Nothing on the screen screams for huge, so if you were so inclined I don’t think you would miss anything by seeing it on NetFlix. Date movie? Sort of. Nothing here to really turn an average woman on except for Daniel Craig, and odds are you are going to suffer badly in comparison. There is better out there for you (Wreck It Ralph). Bathroom break? Any scene were James is not actively shooting or chasing anyone will do just fine. The scene where M is being lambasted by Ministers stands out in particular, but it is kind of short.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu for valuable insights into my personality (or just notifications every time I write a review). Feel free to post any comments on this movie or my review here. Off topic questions or suggestions email to [email protected]. There’s a bunch of movies I have let slide by I might go see like Flight or Silent Hill. Of course, Breaking Dawn is coming out on the 16th and you know I am rigid in eager anticipation for that one. No way will that drain my desire to keep on living.
Dave
Wreck It Ralph Review
Rock It, Ralph!
A few months ago when I reviewed the movie Brave I sort of lamented the purchase of Pixar by Disney. My perception based on that film was that the vanilla Disney wholesomeness that is the death of so many films for anyone with body hair would infect Pixar like a retrovirus and basically turn them into a Disney clone. I made the comparison of a marriage wherein one of the two people has their personality subsumed by the other, creating a two headed couple monster based on the dominant personality.
However, after seeing this film I have to rescind that statement. It now appears that like the couple who actually morphs into androgynous versions of each other, Disney and Pixar are exchanging critical parts of their personalities (and possibly DNA) in order to become the same type of company with two different offices. I shall refer to them as Dixar, mainly because that name amuses me.
While it is true that Pixar becoming more Disney-like is a tremendous step down in the quality of the films they produce, Disney drinking the Pixar punch is a gigantic, rocket assisted step up to a new superior plane of existence. Wreck It Ralph is fun, exciting, clever, funny, and extremely appropriate for adults as well as most kids. The first sign that this movie might not suck came as I walked up to the theater and noticed the marquee. “Whaaaaat?” I thought. “A Disney cartoon movie that is rated PG? Has the world suddenly stopped spinning on its axis?” 
However, in spite of my sudden belief in the incoming Rapture (image courtesy of the the Funny T Shirt category) the movie was truly rated PG. Granted, on the G side of the PG rating (as in your kid would have to be the biggest wuss (I’m sorry, sensitive child) since Tommy and Annika from Pippi Longstocking to be upset by this. That might be the most obscure and geeky reference I have used to date, BTW) but PG nevertheless.
This movie does what every kids movie needs to do in order to not suck and that is make it entertaining for the kids while inserting enough adult humor and situations to keep dad from drinking himself into a temporary coma to escape the boredom (what was going to see a movie like for you as a kid, Dave?). There are actually some really funny and subtle jokes that will only be perceived by adults, such as the “random” extra security screening of Ralph as he tries to exit a game, and the Bad-anon meeting for Bad Guy support.
As is my policy for kids movies I will not break it down and assign specific stars and black holes. Such things are wasted and distracting, when really the only questions anyone should have are “Will my kid sit quietly for two hours and enjoy it?” and “Will I end up a diabetic and brain damaged from having to absorb too much sweetness and lame pap in one film?” The answers are respectively yes and no.
The story is of Ralph (voiced by John C Reilly-Step Brothers, the Gangs of New York, The Aviator), a Donkey Kong-esque video game villain who for the last 30 years has been climbing up a building to destroy it, only to be foiled by his nemesis Fix It Felix, Jr (Jack McBrayer-30 Rock, Despicable Me, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). He is tired of being a bad guy, feared and hated by everyone, and forced to sleep in a garbage dump. He goes off on a quest to win a medal and ends up doing so in a different game, Hero’s Duty. While there he accidentally transports one of the villain bugs to Sugar Rush, a cute candy based racing game. There, while looking for his medal he meets Vanellope (Sarah Silverman-the School of Rock, There’s Something about Mary, Heartbreakers), a cute racer who is a glitch in the game. The commanding officer (Jane Lynch-Glee, Talladega Nights, the 40 Year Old Virgin) from Hero’s Duty comes looking for the bug. Vanellope recruits Ralph to help her race against King Candy (Allen Tudyck-Firefly, Tucker & Dale Versus Evil, I, Robot).
I don’t want to get too deep into the story. It is cool and fun, with a couple of very well set up twists and a really good ending. Excellent writing overall. I hate sounding like the kind of wimp I was railing against earlier, but I honestly came close to tearing up at one point. Naturally I ramped up my machismo to keep that in check and on the way home fought some guys and broke some beer bottles on my head make up for it, but if you weren’t the natural font of testosterone that I am you might really feel an emotional connection. Of course, this being a Disney movie (sorry, I meant Dixar) they had to shoehorn in yet another princess, but overall I enjoyed the hell out of this film.
Should you see it? If you have kids then absolutely. If you liked Toy Story then I think this will appeal to you as well. Date movie? Absofreakinglutely. This could possibly be the best date movie of the entire year. I was having drinks with a girl before going to this thing and now I’m kicking myself for not asking her along, but it was a first time meeting deal and you can never tell what the best move on that is. Also, she said she doesn’t see a lot of movies (Incidentally, she is pretty spectacular. I sincerely hope to see her again. Of course, if it doesn’t work out I’m sure my next rom-com review will be that much more sour and bitter). Bathroom break? I don’t really know. Each scene is really cool in its own way, and are all kind of integral to the story. It’s only 101 minutes, so I would say hold it. If you really can’t I think the bar scene in the Tapper video game could be missed. I wouldn’t miss it however.
Thanks for reading. Skyfall review tomorrow for sure. I can’t tell if I’m excited or dreading it. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to post any comments on this film or my review here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Man With the Iron Fists Review
A whole lot stupider than I had hoped it would be.
I have been dreading writing this review. I love martial arts movies (the Master of the Flying Guillotine will always be my favorite, but 36th Chamber of Shaolin is up there. Kung-Fu the Invisible Fist image courtesy of the Movie T-Shirt category) and am a fan of Quentin Tarantino, so when I heard he was presenting an homage Kung Fu Theater film I was as excited as possible and really looking forward to this.
However, I have discovered that being a movie reviewer has a huge karma element, in that you pay for the good movies with the bad. The last few months have been a wonderful stroll through movies that I expected to suck that were actually fun and entertaining (Pitch Perfect, for example), so it seems inevitable that I would go to a movie that I expected to be amazingly good and instead be handed a big, incoherent mess. The first sign of incoming suck was when, after the title credit of “Quentin Tarantino presents…” you don’t see his name listed in anything that remotely relates to the actual production of the film. Can someone who works in the film industry please explain to me what the word “presents” actually refers to? Was Quentin involved in the writing at all? Did he see this film and think “Hmm. This is exactly the kind of Kung Fu movie I would have made had I had the time.” Did he finance the film? Did he operate the projector at the premier and sell popcorn at the concession stand? Really, what the hell did he do with this film? I need to know.
Instead, this film was written and directed by RZA, who was also the star. In some situations this can lead to a brilliant movie when the star is actually an extremely talented director as well as an accomplished actor (Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino, etc), but if the person in charge doesn’t have that kind of past credibility it is easy for the experience to turn into a massive self aggrandizing ego trip. RZA is a founding member of the Wu Tang clan, one of the few rap bands I can actually listen to, and is a well known fan of Kung Fu Theater. It is apparent that he wanted to create a tribute to the Wu Tang films of yesteryear but got sidetracked by his fan induced need to stick everything and the kitchen sink into this film.
I will say it apparent that his knowledge of Kung Fu Theater is extensive, and he managed to incorporate a lot of the visuals and concepts into this film. However, the one thing most old martial arts films seem to have is a fairly coherent and direct story plot. This movie seems to want to take five different movies and run them through a tree shredder before mixing them up and taping them into one film. The rumor I read is that the original film ran four hours and RZA wanted to present them as a Part I and II Kill Bill style but was forced by the studio to cut it down to 90 minutes. If that is true than the mishmash of story elements, the characters that we are supposed to care about without even being introduced to, and the choppiness of of the story pacing makes a lot more sense.
I’d like to talk a bit about the story as it relates to classic Kung Fu movies. Most of the best Kung Fu films were made in Communist China, which in addition to being plagued by Chinese racism (mostly against other Asian cultures) were always written from the perspective of the hero doing what is best for the people, and usually dies in the attempt. The villains are always working for the evil dynasties or trying to prevent the unification of China. The movie Hero is a perfect example of this. The main character literally lets himself be killed in order to ensure the continued unification of China. This film however is all about gold. The bad guys want the gold, the good guys want to give the gold back to the local governor. I know it’s a minor point and one that RZA is free to argue with me, but I think the film might have benefited from a less grubby motivation.
Anyway, the story. The governor is transporting a huge shipment of gold and opts to send it through Jungle Village, a brutal town under the control of warring clans. He hires Golden Lion of the Lion clan to guard and escort the gold, but Golden Lion is betrayed and killed by his two lieutenants, who are going to steal it. Russell Crowe (Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, LA Confidential) shows up to do something(?) and steal pretty much every scene while sticking out like a square peg in a round peg factory. RZA (Ghost Dog: the Way of the Samurai, Bulworth, Repo Men) is the Blacksmith, a local weapons manufacturer who is saving up money to buy his lover Lady Silk (Jamie Chung-Sucker Punch, The Hangover Part II, Grown Ups) away from the local brothel run by Madame Blossom (Lucy Liu-Kill Bill Part I, Kung Fu Panda, Charlies Angels).
Ugh. Just sorting this script out is making my brain hurt. I’m going to break it down into bullet points. Golden Lion’s son the X-Blade (Rick Yune-Die Another Day, The Fast and the Furious, Snow Fall on Ceders) is out for revenge. The bad guys send Brass Body (Dave Bautista-WWE Smackdown!, House of the Rising Sun, the Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption) is hired to kill him with his ability to turn into brass. Madame Blossom convinces the bad guys to store all their gold in here trap infested death dungeon. Russell Crowe is some kind of bad ass who works for the governor. The Lion Clan kills a rival clan. The Blacksmith saves X-Blade for no apparent reason and gets his arms cut off in punishment. He then forges iron fists (oh, wait. NOW I see it…) to fight with after a long, completely incongruent flashback/origin story. He, X-Blade, and Russell Crowe all team up to attack something(?).
The stars. Martial arts movies always rock. One star. Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu both seem to have figured out that this whole thing was a joke and played their parts brilliantly in that context. One star. Some of the action was good. One star. The costumes, props, and sets were all really well done. One star. Some decent visuals and camera work. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. A story that looked like someone took 83 of those Magnetic Poetry word sets and threw them randomly against the worlds largest refrigerator door. One black hole. For all the good acting Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu did, the rest of the cast acted like test subjects at a Valium research center. One black hole. The fact that he was only one of two people really acting grossly exacerbated the fact that Crowe’s character (Jack Knife) was as out of place as I would be in the company of beautiful women. One black hole. Pacing and editing was like trying to handle a three year old kid who has just had a triple latte. One black hole. For every cool action scene, there were three or more that you would laugh at if you saw them in a TNMT cartoon. While some liberties can be taken with suspension of disbelief in the martial arts of a Kung Fu movie, if you reach the point that the audience is laughing at how dumb it was than you have really gone too far. One black hole. Literally no thought put into the names of the characters. A guy who turns his body into brass? Let’s just call him Brass Body. Madame Blossom, Lady Silk, X-Blade, Golden Lion, Silver Lion, Copper Lion, Poison Dagger, Jack Knife? It’s like I’m back in 6th grade playing D&D and trying to name a village full of NPCs. One black hole. An attempted homage to a great film genre that gets sidetracked into confusion hell. One black hole. A movie that is clearly a massive self gratification session for RZA. Why not just show him masturbating to pictures of himself? One black hole. A rated R movie that has sex scenes that are almost late night Skinimax in explicitness yet still manage to not show any nudity. If you are going to swim in the rated R pool just jump in the deep end. Don’t pussyfoot around. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
A grand total of four black holes. Is it really bad? Not horrible. Like I said in the review for Resident Evil: Retribution if you like this sort of thing you might enjoy it. I will say that if they made the extended four hour version available on NetFlix I would probably watch it. Maybe without the brutal editing hammer this film would make sense and engage me more. Date movie? Hell no. Not only is this film a complete waste of time for most women, she will also see it as a massive waste of time for you and lose respect for the way you are spending your life. Bathroom break? Take your pick. If I had to specify I would say any of the Russell Crowe/Chinese prostitute sex scenes. They add absolutely nothing, show absolutely nothing, yet at the same time imply any number of images in your frustrated head. If you want to avoid being the Man With the Blue Balls you might take that moment to go relieve yourself.
Thats it. I feel bad dumping on this film. I really wanted to love it, but Hollywood had a different fate for me in mind. I think I am going to see Wreckit Ralph tonight. That looks fun. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Any comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Off topic questions and suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Thanks for reading. Have a great day.
Dave
Disney buys out Star Wars
I have had about eight of my friends ask me to express my opinion on this recent major change in the geek-osphere. To be perfectly honest, I am kind of apathetic. Thirteen years ago, prior to the Phantom Menace, I would have seen this as a betrayal and disaster on the order of Benedict Arnold having sex with the captain of the Exxon Valdez in the reactor room of Three Mile Island and giving birth to the most treasonous, mutated disaster in the history of the universe.
That, of course, was when I still believed that Star Wars and George Lucas were paragons of sci fi virtue to which nothing short of season 4 of Star Trek TOS could compare. However, like finding your sisters journal and discovering that not only is she no longer a virgin but has had enough action to put some porn stars to shame (at the time I remember being both really upset and jealous at the same time) George has ruined whatever virtue Star Wars ever really had by whoring it out to death and then selling it’s corpse to weird sexual fetish people. Like a creepy child molester dressed as a clown (ugh!) he has put his filthy hands all over his own creation and touched all of it’s bathing suit parts in ways that will continue to resurface for decades and the question I have to ask is “Can Disney really screw it up any worse?”
Sure, as their acquisition of Pixar has proven they can’t absorb anything without infusing it with their weird brand of cheerful corporate smiley totalitarianism, but say what you will about them (believe me, I have) the one thing they are good at is making films. It does seem that whenever they dip into the science fiction pool they seem to come out with John Carter of Mars or Tron Legacy, but as bad as films may be I would take all the bad in every Disney sci fi movie combined (yes, even Around the World in 80 Days) to having to watch even one full minute of Jar Jar Binks on screen.
The thing is, George Lucas might have been visionary and a special effect genius back in the 70’s but honestly he sucks at making movies. Disney can actually hire good actors (rather than guys who should haven’t even been considered for the role of C3PO) and create a romance that doesn’t make me want to sterilize the entire human race. While their stories are pretty pat and lame they don’t look like they were written by a brain damaged eight year old. Most importantly, they don’t have a Death Star sized ego or the drive to control every aspect of the film. They are fully capably of hiring good directors, writers, and producers rather than feel the need to do it all themselves.
I think the recent amazing hit the Avengers is a perfect example of that. 
They seem to have understood that the fans didn’t want to see Tinkerbell team up with the Hulk (image courtesy of the Marvel Comic T Shirt category) in a fight to save dogs from Cruella DeVille and for the most part gave us what we wanted. I can only hope they have the same understanding with Star Wars and opt to stay away from giant racist cartoon rabbits who make me want to punch every fat white bearded man I see in the head.
So bottom line, I think I am OK with this huge merger. Lucas scored big ($4.05 billion. Remember begging your mother to buy you that Hoth Han Solo action figure? Guess where all that money ended up) and I hope he enjoys it. My only hope is that Disney hires Joss Whedon to direct the next one and he produces a movie that makes all other Star Wars (after Empire, of course. I’m not asking for the Second Coming here) look like the dross they are, and that George Lucas is so shamed by what he did to a great series that he either moves to Tibet to become a penniless monk or chokes on his own bile.
Sorry no new reviews for a while. Headed to Texas tomorrow and am painting my ass off tonight. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.com. If you have comments on this topic feel free to post them. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thanks, and have a great night.
Dave
P.S. I suppose I should say something about Disney also acquiring the rights to Indiana Jones. However, again, after the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull how much worse can they damage it? Honestly, I was never that much an Indiana fan. Also, can someone explain to me how the 13 crystal skeleton aliens all died in the control chairs for the space craft and the last one cut off his own head to hide out in the jungle somewhere? What part of that makes sense? You can thank Lucas for the aliens as well.
D
