Some thoughts on Star Trek TOS women.
With a bonus note on grammar.
So as I mentioned recently I am watching all the Star Trek TOS episodes while working on my new Warhammer army and am enjoying the hell out of it. Not only am I seeing all my old favorites, but I am also getting to catch up on a few that I only saw maybe once or twice, and even a couple that to my deep shame I have never seen (having only watched them in syndication there were a few that really never go aired much). I am rethinking some of the relative positions for my best and worst episodes (not a lot of shift, but some) but the one thought that is hitting my brain stem more than any other is the Star Trek producers hired only the most gorgeous women in the known universe.
I’m not kidding. It really struck home last night when I was watching Requiem for Methuselah (image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category)and realized that the girl playing Reyna (Louise Sorel) was about 50 times hotter than any women ever seen on any TNG episode, and comparable to Seven of Nine from Voyager (Jeri Ryan). However, she is not alone. Pretty much every episode has a girl so hot it makes your skull hurt. I don’t want to name any here because I think once I am done I will do a list of the 20 hottest girls from the series as a separate blog post (nothing creepy about that). Some of the episodes focused almost exclusively on how hot they were (Mudd’s Women, for example).
This begats the question why can’t modern shows do the same thing? There are some obvious answers. If a show clearly exploited women like TOS did than it would probably be protested by every feminist organization on the planet and then carpet bombed. TNG not only swallowed the PC pill but let it brew into an even more potent mixture in its stomach before spewing it out over every other Star Trek series. However, let’s consider shows outside of the Trek universe.
The modern show that pops into mind for hot eye candy is How I Met Your Mother. Every week Barney hooks up with 2-6 hot girls. If we flash back a bit Married With Children did the same by finding an excuse to have a hot chick walk into Al’s shoe shop or something. However, I would like to point out that while Star Trek clearly was bringing in women to hang on Kirks arm and fall in love with him, in every case they got more than a few lines and were never just bit characters. In most episodes they were critical to the story and not just there to make Kirk look good.
That’s not really the mystery here. The mystery is why is it all the women on Star Trek are way hotter than all the women on How I Met Your Mother (even Robin. Sorry, Cobie Smulders. I still love you). Honestly, I think it’s the presentation. The women on Star Trek (and 60’s TV in general) were presented as sophisticated, elegant goddesses whereas modern women have taken to letting casual be the rule of the day. I’m not saying women don’t spend a lot of time on their looks because they absolutely do. I’m just saying that all the women today want to look naturally hot, which mentally translates into looking like you put no effort in. The average hairdo on a Star Trek babe looks like it took two hours and a vat of hair cream to accomplish, whereas today those same two hours is spent looking like you didn’t have to do anything at all. Furthermore, you never see a Star Trek women wearing jeans. The dress a Star Trek girl wears is one that a modern woman would bitch about having to put on for a formal ball. They just look more put together.
A side effect of looking like you took a lot of time putting your coif and outfit together is you end up looking more like a lady. Not to imply anything, but the women of Star Trek just look a lot more wholesome than the women of the modern TV age. Somehow Elaan (France Nuyen) from Elaan of Troyios looks more ladylike in a metal bikini armed with a dagger than all the women of Sex and the City put together. This might be the most sexist thing I have ever said, but what passes for ladylike dress and behavior in the modern world just isn’t as attractive as what you used to see in the time of Americana.
Congratulations Dave. You have successfully given every woman you meet another reason to reject and despise you. However, given my typical luck with the ladies I don’t really think I could do much more damage. At least if I get rejected by a girl and she says it’s because of this blog post I will have a definitive reason, rather than the horrible vague B-S I get on a regular basis. Besides, don’t all women say they want honesty in a man?
Before I get going I want to mention something about grammar. I have been called to account a few times for being a grammar moron. I typically can write well but seem to screw up on things like “then” or “than”, as well possessive s’s (is it Boy’s t shirts or Boys t shirts???). I do proofread these before posting them but seem to have a blind eye for certain spelling and grammar mistakes. I go back and read old blog posts of mine (yes, my ego is that big. Besides, why would you not read something this brilliant?) and catch things that seem super obvious but at the time I missed twice. I don’t quite get it. If you should spot an error feel free to point it out and I will fix it. Just try to understand that I’m not a total moron and usually I just miss things that on a different day would stick out like a sore thumb. If you are interested in catching me (or just improving your own grammar) I found a pretty handy and succinct resource in this article on correct grammar usage in the modern age. I like it because it is simple and has some cartoons.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to disagree all you want here or hate spam me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (follow me first, please). Any off topic questions or suggestions email me at [email protected]. My friend Brian is going to show us Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park at movie night. I don’t think I will be doing a formal review but already have a few ideas on blogs I could do about it. I’m headed to the Sacramento Horror Convention this weekend but if I get a chance will try to see a movie and write it up. If you live in Sac stop by and say hi. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Happy Birthday, Mark Hamill
As any nerd can tell you, the great Mark Hamill played Kenneth Dantley Jr. in the epic film Corvette Summer (he also played Luke Skywalker in the original (by that I mean good) Star Wars trilogy but no one bothers to remember that) and as such is an icon of nerd culture. However, what a lot of less well informed people don’t know is since then he has become an amazing voice over guy and did one of the greatest cartoon voices ever, the Joker from the original Batman the Animated Series.
Words cannot accurately describe how awesome this voice was. When I think of Joker I hear Mark Hamill’s insane cackle in the back of my head. He had the perfect combination of humorous clown and psychotic killer all wrapped up in one. Amazing.
Anyway, today is Mark’s birthday and I would like to wish him a happy one. Thank you sir, for being a part of a huge piece of my childhood and then moving on to do even more cool stuff. I salute you.
By the way, if you want to have some fun Google “Star Wars Muppet Show” and enjoy seeing Mark guest star on the Muppets. But don’t do the Holiday Special unless you want all things good in your life to turn to ash forever. I’m not kidding at all on that. If you watch that film you will want to die.
Joker image courtesy of the DC Comic T Shirt category BTW.
Dave
End of Watch Review
You say your life lacks intensity? This movie is the cure.
In January when I do my end of the year retrospective I am going to remember this weekend as the most awesome weekend of movie releases ever. Dredd was freaking amazing, and now I have End of Watch to be the second in a run of tremendous movies.
Director David Ayer did Training Day, one of my previous all time favorite cop movies, and it is fair to say I went into this film with extremely high expectations. This is often a big mistake, as it sets the stage for massive disappointment when the director proves he only has one good effort in him and trips on his own private parts. However, this was not the case for End of Watch as it managed to actually exceed my high expectations.
There are some obvious comparisons to Training Day, but in truth I believe it has more in common with the 1988 Sean Penn movie Colors. It has a similar feel being shot over a period of several months without a true central plot or antagonist. It is a true buddy movie, showing the daily lives and traumas of two LAPD cops, Brian Taylor (Jake Gyllenhaal-Donnie Darko, Source Code, Brokeback Mountain) and Mike Zavala (Michael Peña-30 Minutes or Less, Tower Heist, Shooter). The whole movie is shot found footage style, except for when the director didn’t feel like coming up with an excuse to have a camera involved and blew it off. This is actually my one real criticism of the film. If you are going to do found footage cool, but don’t go to the trouble of establishing a reason for cameras to always be around and then bailing on it to do a bunch of standard POV shots.
Fortunately the rest of the movie makes up for this problem. During the course of several months (or maybe even years) you see the two men laugh, joke, and bromance each other to the hilt. Brian starts off as the single ladies man while Mike has been married since high school. You see Brian develop a strong romance and eventually marry my other future wife Anna Kendrick (50/50, Scott Pilgrim Versus the World, Up in the Air) while Mike’s wife Gabby (Natalie Martinez-Death Race, Saints and Sinners, Magic City Memoirs) delivers a baby boy. Each scene is filmed around a particular event in their career; a pulled over vehicle resulting in a drug bust, the discovery of a bunch of corpses, etc. Some of them are loosely connected to a Mexican drug cartel that eventually puts a hit out on the two officers. Multiple shootings occur. Cars get chased, and the last 20 minutes of this film will most likely be the most intense movie scene you have experienced in years.
Before I get into the stars and black holes I would like to say that this movie draws you in like no other that I have seen in a long time. The combination of the found footage with the amazing performances by Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Pena cause you to develop a real connection with them and honestly care about what happens. 
I am pretty much a robotic shell of a man, but by the end of this film this movie manage to reach deep inside and stimulate the frozen chunk of coal that passes for my heart to actually beat a couple times. All that excess blood ran to the decrepit emotional part of my brain and I was in series danger of exhibiting an emotional response. Fortunately I was able to quash it but you humans should be able to really get something from this. (Obey Robot image one of the many nerd t-shirts I have in my collection)
The stars. The acting was truly amazing. Oscar nomination worthy IMO. Three stars. All the support characters were great. One star. You actually care about what happens to the characters. One star. I got to experience the most alien of emotions a regular movie attendee can: excitement. Two stars. For a found footage film pacing was brilliant. One star. The women in this film were good eye candy without distracting from the film. One star. They managed to fit in a bunch of interesting minor sub plots without hurting the overall movie (one advantage to not really having an overall plot, I guess). One star. The action was well done in the confines of found footage. Somehow a 15 second gun battle seen through the dashboard camera of a police car is much more exciting than a full production running gun battle. One star. Truly a great cinema experience. Two stars. Total: thirteen stars.
The black holes. The sudden shift from found footage to POV camera is a little annoying. One black hole. There was something of a lack of overall story that I think might have helped, but honestly I am just picking at nits here. It is fine without it, but one black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand total of eleven stars, and yet another recommendation to see this film. That’s two great movies to review in a row. I keep waiting for the Earth to stop spinning on its axis. See both this film and Dredd at your earliest convenience, although you might not want to see them back to back as you could die of an awesomeness overdose. Date movie? I’m going to say yes on this one. The emotional interaction between the characters could very well speak to a woman, and while Jake Gyllenhaal is kind of a pretty boy I think you might gain some kind of bounce back from him into your bed, if you know what I mean. Bathroom break? This is another film I am going to say you want to see in its entirety, but if you super sized and can’t hold it Brian’s wedding could be mostly missed I think, especially when everyone starts drinking. Just hurry back.
Thanks for reading. If I have the energy I might go see something else later tonight, but I am afraid of ruining my streak. It’s going to happen eventually, however, and bad movies tend to make for funnier review. There isn’t much entertainment to be had listening to me gush like a fan boy. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have any comments on this movie or review please post them here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Dredd 3D Review
Pretty freaking awesome.
If you have read more than a few of my reviews than you know what a rarity it is for me to just come out and say a movie rocks. I’m like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets; no matter how good a movie is I almost always find something to criticize and harp on about.
However, I’m having a hard time pulling something to bite into on this one. Sure, I could talk about the lack of character development and the thinness of the story, but as a fan of the Judge Dredd comic I not only expected that but honestly feel this character needs these things in order to function. If you take this movie for what is supposed to be-a hyper gory violent film adeptation of a hyper gory violent comic book-than it is nigh flawless.
I will satisfy my minimum bile requirements by talking a little about the 1995 Sly Stallone Judge Dredd. Like most nerds I find a certain amount of guilty pleasure in watching this film. It is entertaining in the same way putting one of your friends hands in warm water while he is sleeping is entertaining. Sure, you like the guy and would be willing to help him if he were in trouble, but you can’t help but laugh when you see him wet himself. Stallone attempted to take the role seriously, but the lines he was given were so comical he couldn’t help but come across as a douche. Also, if you read Dredd comics you know there is no room in Dredds life for comic relief, and in 1995 they saddled him with comic relief equivalent of the Ebola virus, Rob Schneider. Sorry, but there are no circumstances in which I want to see Judge Dredd running around with Duece Bigalow, Male Gigolo.
Also, and this is a big also, Judge Dredd is always painted as the grim, faceless force of merciless justice. I guess Sylvester Stallone was too big a star to include in a movie back then without showing his face, but had he kept the helmet on the entire time I think it would have been a better film. Dredd is like a justice tornade; he’s not supposed to have a face.
Fortunately for us in Dredd the helmet stays on, the voice stays gravely, and what you can see of Dredd’s facial expression ranges from scowly to OMG turn-you-to-stone scowly. In other words, this is the Judge Dredd we all wanted to see from the comic book. All the humanity and interaction we would hope to see in a film is delivered by his sidekick Judge Anderson, the psychic Judge from the comic. She manages to add a great contrast to Dredd’s grimness without distracting the story. They honestly work brilliantly together, and each uses their respective skills to accomplish the mission.
I suppose I should ding the movie for being a clear rip off of the Raid: Redemption. However, if you recall in that review I said this is what a rated R movie is supposed to look like. In most cases copies are akin to taking a mediocre image and photocopying it several times, ending up with an even worse image. In this case it is more serving you a delicious meal of all your favorite foods and then serving it to you again a year later, 
only on the finest china with excellent wine, a hot nude waitress, and a bucket of Ranch (Ranch image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category). In this case I am going to say being a remake of the Raid is actually a good move, even though saying that galls me like swallowing broken glass.
The story is pretty damned simple. Judge Dredd (Dr. McCoy from Star Trek 2009, The Two Towers, the Bourne Supremacy) is saddled with rookie psychic cop Judge Anderson (Olivia Thirlby-the Darkest Hour, No Strings Attached, Juno, and hopefully my future wife) for a day of evaluation. They opt to investigate three murders at Peach Tree Estate, a high rise slum in Mega City one, the dystopian home for Americas population (the rest of America being a radiated wasteland). The three murders were committed by Ma-ma, the local crimelord (Lena Headey-300, Imagine Me & You, Terminator: the Sarah Conner Chronicles) who has been creating a narcotic called Slo-Mo. Slo-mo speeds up the brain so everything seems to be happening at 1% of it’s normal speed. In most cases I wouldn’t go into a plot point like that except Slo-Mo becomes responsible for a lot of the coolest effects later on.
Dredd and Anderson investigate the local drug dealer they believe responsible for the murders and during the bust capture one of Ma-ma’s goons. In order to keep him from being interrogated she locks down the entire building and orders the population to kill the two. This is where the Raid: Redemption kicks in, only with less martial arts and more massive gun battles. Hundreds of people get shot, usually in slow motion extra-goryvision, things get blown up, and Dredd proves why he is the most infamous Judge in Mega-City One.
The stars. Staying true to canon. Two stars. Awesome action all around. Three stars. This film earns its R rating the hard way with massive gore and violence and stays there. Normally I give a movie a black hole for being rated R with no nudity, but honestly this film did not need it. One star. I can’t really give a star to the acting as most of the movie did not require a lot of acting, but the characters of both Dredd and Anderson were faithfully and accurately portrayed to both of the actors credit. One star. I’ll also say the balance between the two characters added a lot. One star. Pacing was dead on perfect, with just the right amount of great action interspersed with good dialog and character interaction. One star. The prop making for the Judges uniforms and guns was brilliant. One star. As I normally hate 3D just saying this hurts like passing a grapefruit sized kidney stone made of burning coal, but the 3D effects added tremendously to the experience and were really freaking good. If you go see this movie see it in 3D (ugh I need a shower). One star. Overall an awesome movie experience. Three stars. Total: 14 stars (!?!?).
I suppose I had better channel Statler and Waldorf and deliver some black holes or be accused of being a fan boy. The story really was extremely simple and a clear rip off of The Raid Redemption. One black hole. The character of Ma-ma as the villain was really two dimensional and kind of uninteresting. She didn’t really have any brilliant plans or evil monologues. One black hole. I suppose I could have an issue with the other Judges rather lackadaisical attitude towards Dredd and Anderson being attacked. Doesn’t quite sit with what I remember from the comic. One black hole. That’s it. Three black holes.
A grand total of eleven stars and my massive encouragement that you all see this film. If there were a chart listing comic book movies based on how well they translated over this one would be all the way over on the right next to (or even a little past) the Avengers (Green Lantern and the Green Hornet would be over on the left). See it in a theater, and pay the extra for the 3D. Date movie? Hell no. This movie is so laden with testosterone they were probably spraying it on the popcorn. There is absolutely nothing a normal girl would like in this movie. Bathroom break? Trust me, you don’t want to miss a second of this film. If you really don’t think you can hold it for 95 lousy minutes sneak an empty bottle in with you if you know what I mean (please don’t do that really. It’s gross. Just cross your legs and dash for the restroom at the end).
Thanks for reading. This is looking like a great weekend for me as I plan to see End of Watch tonight. Look for that review tomorrow. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be email to [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (act now to be number 168!). Talk to you soon.
Dave
Branded Move Review
The weirdness on this film goes to 11.
So does the pretentiousness, tonelessness, and overall lack of story. (Spinal Tap image comes from the Funny T Shirt category, by the way)
This film was really not what I expected. From the couple of trailers I saw and the one poster I thought I was going to see a remake of They Live with the aliens replaced by corporate automatons. Instead, this movie wheezes from one story tone to another like a broken Slinky struggling to make it down a flight of stairs.
I can honestly say I don’t know what kind of movie this is supposed to be. The ad blurb describe it as a sci fi action/drama/mystery set in a dystopic future but honestly you could see this more as a psychotic breakdown on the part of the main character. It shift gears frequently and plays like five different directors shot completely different films using the same actors and tried to edit them all into one incoherent mess. There is the evil powers controlling our minds through advertising (They Live), the rejection of materialism (Fight Club), the possible psychotic breakdown that just might be for real (Brazil), the evil supermind controlling things from across the world (any good James Bond), a weird unintentional spy movie sub plot (the Man Who Knew Too Little) and the religious/science fiction epiphany that changes everything (Phenomenon, mixed in with a little of the Gods are Crazy), all wrapped up with a bow made of old Simpsons episodes.
On the other hand, at least the title actually has something to do with the movie. The film is about the evils of marketing and brand recognition, and is titled Branded. Kudos. On the other other hand, the poster shows the main character with an axe in one hand and a gun in the other, sort of implying some kind of zombie apocalypse survival/horror story. However, I can tell you the axe plays a very minor part in the story and at no time does anyone use or carry a gun.
The story. Young Misha as a child gets struck by lightning sent down by a giant space cow (no joke) and is given super human marketing powers. As an adult Misha (Ed Stoppard-the Pianist, Joy Division (not the band, as far as I can tell), the Little Vampire) is a marketing genius in the capitalist wonderland of Moscow. He is responsible for bringing any number of major Western brands cleverly renamed in order to not get sued by the real companies. His boss (Jeffrey Tambor, if you can believe it. Arrested Development, There’s Something About Mary, the Hangover) treats him like crap and is also some kind of spy(?). Misha starts hooking up with the bosses niece (Leelee Sobieski-Joy Ride, the Glass House, Joan of Arc). Meanwhile cut to a Polynesian island where Max Von Sydow (Shutter Island, the Exorcist, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close) is the reining King of Marketing. He has been approached by the fast food industry to help them regain lost market share due to everyone not wanting to eat garbage anymore.
He cooks up a scheme to redefine the nature of beauty, making fat the new gorgeous. He creates an extreme makeover show in Russia where a fat girl is going to be surgically altered into a skinny hotty. Misha and Abby (the niece and love interest) produce the show, but when the girl goes into a coma a huge backlash hits them both while accomplishing Max’s goal. Abby goes back to America while Misha moves out to the countryside to be a shepherd.
If this description seems long it’s because that’s how the story progresses. While in the country Misha has a vision and does a ritual sacrifice of a cow (that’s where the axe comes in) and gains the powers to see giant balloon art creatures coming out of people. Abby is back and brings him to Moscow, where he discovers the animals are the actual souls of brands. Big ones hang out at the stores selling the stuff while little ones manifest themselves in humans as desire to eat the burger or buy the computer or whatever. He now sees all marketing as evil and figures out how to destroy them by training the creatures through (mostly illegal) advertizing campaigns. Eventually he causes a rebellion against all advertizing and it is all outlawed.
Honestly, that’s the abridged version. There must have been 60 minutes of sub plot and pointless character development leading up to the first sign of alien creatures. The movie drags on and on, but what is weird is while you are never really engaged you are also never really bored. I found myself sitting in my seat with an interest in what the writer was going to cook up. There were at least three different points that the movie could have reasonably ended but instead opted to continue for another 10 minutes and each time I found myself wondering what was going to happen next.
The stars. I will give massive props for actually coming out with an original movie that does not conform to one of the Hollywood safe genres (although they cheesed out the ending IMO). Three stars. I kind of liked Misha’s character at times. One star. The cynical Max Von Sydow was great. One star. In spite of all the issues, once you start watching it you are OK to sit in your seat for the entire 105 minutes. One stars. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The movie cries out for a specific tone. Two black holes. Paced like watching old people have intercourse while driving. One black hole. The overall message was painfully prosaic. Advertizing is bad? Sounds like a paper written by a first year sociology major. Two black holes. A number of completely pointless sub plots that did nothing but pad out the run time. Also the entire Max Von Sydow vignette looked and sounded like an entirely different movie. One black hole. The ending was complete wishful thinking. One black hole. Rated R for no apparent reason. I found out that your movie can get an R rating if it has too much advertizing in it, which is ironic. However, once you know that is going to happen for the love of keeping my interest go back and shoot some nudity. One black hole. Acting shifted gears as much as the tone of the film. One black hole. There was a painful voice over monologue that showed up to periodically pull you out of the movie immersion that later turned out to be the only real laugh in the film. One black hole. At the end of the film I walked out with a massive “WTF?” headache. One black hole. Total: eleven black holes.
A grand total of five black holes. Honestly, there isn’t a lot here to pull you into the theater. However, I find myself secretly loving this film for what it represents: a chance to make a low budget artsy film and have it look about as good as any high budget film. Sure, the CGI looked like a balloon artist dropped too much acid, but it was acceptable (at least as good as the demon from the end of the Season of the Witch). Camera work and editing was also acceptable. I couldn’t find out what the budget was on this film (searching for “Branded” and “Budget” will get you so much marketing garbage on Google your CPU will melt down. Some days I hate the Interlink) but it couldn’t have even been a million. With this film I see the potential for guys with a great idea, a couple decent cameras, and some good editing software to make an awesome movie that could be shown on the same screen as the Avengers. As Hollywood keeps pumping out the same remake garbage like a sewer pipe running in reverse I foresee a future wherein talented writers and directors in Boise produce the next Citizen Kane.
Is it worth seeing at all? I supposed, if you like surrealism and don’t mind grinding through excess junk. If you are so inclined see it in a theater as some of the CGI would look lame on a smaller screen. Also, let’s do what we can to support independent filmmakers. Date movie? Not unless you are trying to get her to stop calling you. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but if you want a specific time close to the middle of the movie I would say the scene that starts off with Abby finding Misha as a shepherd is a great place to drop a deuce, flirt with the concession girl, and stick your head in another theater to watch five minutes of a different film.
Thanks for reading. Lot’s of stuff coming out this weekend. I am definitely going to see End of Watch and Judge Dredd so look for those reviews soon. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or review feel free to post them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Cold Light of Day Review
Yawn-tastic.
It’s rare that you see such a blatant use of the old bait-and-switch gambit in movie making. The other night while considering what movie to subject myself to I came across this film and saw that it featured Bruce Willis. I am a Bruce Willis fan and have found that he brings a lot of intensity and actual acting ability to action films. I checked out a trailer and saw he was featured prominently so I figured “How bad can it be? Even Hudson Hawk was entertaining”.
However, 15 minutes into the film Bruce’s character proves to have a fatal allergy to bullets, leaving us with Henry Cavill grinding through some of the most formulaic spy movie garbage possible. If there were a spy movie drinking game this film would have had me carted off with alcohol poisoning by the third act. If you’ve seen it once, you’ve seen this movie.
Again, the thing that frustrates me is that this movie did have some elements that might have saved it. Henry Cavill did his best with what he had. Sigourney Weaver is always worth watching. Some of the driving action was pretty good. The Spanish girl they got to play the female eye candy was reasonably hot.
However, this film seems motivated to prove the Third Law of Thermodynamics: for every force or action there is an equal and opposite force or action (or in this case film element). For all of Henrys effort in doing something with his character the rest of the cast acted like animatronic characters from a Disneyland ride. Sigourney Weaver Skyped in her performance, and her character gave us no real reason to either love or hate her. The chase scenes are well executed, but the jerky editing really takes you out of the immersion into a rancid theater seat with some homeless guy in the row ahead of you coughing up phlegm (I don’t know for sure he was homeless). The hot girl turns out to be the protagonists sister, bleeding any potential romance and secondary nuance into the afterlife with Bruce Willis.
And of course, the story is dry, boring, plot hole riddled, and ultimately lacking in anything to draw you in. You can watch the entirety of the film and never once feel your pulse quicken or your eyes open all the way.
The only thing that got my blood moving is an ugly trend I see in movie titles. It turns out in the last few years the need for a movie title to actually have anything to do with the movie is way more optional than most of us would imagine. Remember when Fight Club would describe a film about a club for fighting? Star Wars was about wars among the stars, Dusk Till Dawn was about surviving until morning, and Sex and the City was about a mythical (in my recent experience) city wherein sex would occur. Instead we get a lot of movies that seemed to be named by a marketing research department with no regard for the actual content of the film. This movie shares a lot in common with the movie Abduction, and one of those things is the worthlessness of the title. There is nothing in the film that remotely implies some significance to light, cold, or day. In fact a lot of the film takes place at night in what looks like a balmy Spanish city.
Anyway, the film. Will (Henry Cavill-the Tudors, Immortals, Man of Steel. By the way, I will say his acting ability has improved since Immortals) is a businessman flying into Spain to spend a week with his family; his enabling younger brother (Rafi Gavron), alchoholic mother (Caroline Goodall-Schindlers List, Cliffhanger, Hook), the brothers girlfriend (Emma Hamilton-the Tudors, Into the Storm, Friends Forever), and his father Martin (Bruce Willis-Die Hard, Sixth Sense, Fifth Element). Turns out his business is going bankrupt. Martin is a domineering jerk and the family does some social things and some attempt is made at developing the father/son antagonistic relationship. This all would have been handy if Martin hadn’t died 10 minutes later and the rest of his family gotten locked in a box for the rest of the film. Anyway, Will has a fight and swims to shore. While there the boat moves and it turns out the entire family is missing. They have been kidnapped and Martin has been working for the CIA as some kind of agent. 
He rescues Will from the local corrupt law enforcement and meets with Carrack (Sigourney Weaver-Alien, Paul, Heart Breakers. Alien image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt Category). After the meeting he gets shot.
Honestly, that is about when the story started to come apart in terms of keeping me interested. Will gets chases by a bad guy and accused of killing a Spanish policeman. He meets up with Carrack who turns out to want nothing(?) from him or something. He tracks down a friend of his dad and a hot girl (Verónica Echegui-Bunny and the Bull, My Name is Juani) who turns out to be his half sister. The bad guys turn out to be kind of good somehow, and Carrack is supposed to want to kill his whole family for no reason. There is a massive car chase and gun battle that no one in the city seems to care about.
The stars. The girl is pretty much what my dream woman should plan on looking like. One star. Even in bad movies I enjoy seeing both Sigourney Weaver and Bruce Willis. One star. I’ll give half a star for Henry Cavill doing his best with the role, and another half star for some of the driving action. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Having the main reason I saw this film disappear after 20 minutes. One black hole. Overall kind of boring and pointless. One black hole. Mediocre acting from pretty much everyone. One black hole. Some big giant plot holes and lack of motivation. One black hole. There was this huge mystery surrounding the contents of a briefcase, and at the end of the film not only did they fail to tell you what the hell was in it but they failed to impart any kind of meaning or point to the film. This isn’t Pulp Fiction. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So a total of two black holes. It has been a while since I had a review in the negative. Either I am getting soft or have so become acclimatized to banality and mediocrity that even crap is starting to look good to me. I need to tighten up and be more merciless. Is there anything to make you want to go see this film? Not really. On the other hand there really isn’t anything so bad to make you not want to go see this film. If you watch it you will be occupied for 93 minutes and not really regret the time, but honestly you would be better reading a good book. Date movie? I supposed, if what you are looking for is bland, PG-13 action with no surprises. The lack of romance will not get her thinking in the right direction however so maybe not. Bathroom break? I’d say the scene in the club when they are treating Will’s gunshot wound with a magic spoon (I wish I were kidding) is pretty worthless.
Thanks for reading. More stuff coming out soon. Plus I have some more Star Trek related things to talk about. I know you can’t get enough of that. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to comment here on this film or my review. If you have an off topic question or comment email me at [email protected]. Thanks again. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Happy Birthday Adam West!
I know, I know. I’m supposed to write up my review for Cold Light of Day. I’ll get to it after lunch. I don’t expect many of you are on the fence about seeing it so I don’t feel a huge amount of pressure, but I have some funny thoughts to impart so I will get to it.
However, I wanted to take a moment to wish an icon of the nerd world, Mr. Adam West, a happy birthday. As any nerd with his salt should I’m sure you are aware of the fact that Mr. West played Batman in the 70’s TV show. This show was a big part of my childhood as it was in syndication on about 1,000 channels and you could find it anywhere. That being said, it was awesome, mainly due to Adam’s super campy portrayel of both Bruce Wayne and Batman. A huge number of modern cultural ideas and concepts were derived from this show, and as it started three months after my beloved Star Trek TOS it has that same niche appeal.
By the way, if you have never watched the series but want to absorb the culture of it in 105 glorious minutes rent the Batman movie. It features all the best characters, including the very hot Lee Meriweather as Catwoman and Cesar Romero as a mustached Joker. It also features the infamous worst shark attack scene ever (and by worst I don’t mean realistic or horrific, if you know what I mean) complete with Bat Shark Repellent. It also has the Batcopter and the Batcycle (with side car). Plus, the shark explodes.
The cars and money image I pulled from the Batman T Shirt category. Review later today I promise.
Dave
More reasons why Episode 57 The Enterprise Incident belongs in my top 10 Worst Star Trek episodes list.
Back in November I did my Top 10 Worst TOS episodes list to complement my 10 Best list. I received a number of comments with people either agreeing or disagreeing, which as a Star Trek fan I am always glad to see and debate. My number 4 was the Enterprise Incident and to my surprise I had one reader take issue with that.
To be fair to the reader he wasn’t so much endorsing the Enterprise Incident as questioning why I would list the Alternative Factor as a better episode. At the time I had mentioned my liking of Lazarus and anti-Lazarus fighting forever in the corridor between universes.
I have been watching the whole series over again while working on a new Warhammer army (and if any of you are Warhammer players you can expect to see it at the Alamo GT in Nov.). When I watched the Alternative Factor I realized that the reader who commented on it had some very valid points. It really was full of massive plot holes and dumb science. However, last night I watched the Enterprise Incident and that has firmly cemented it’s position in my list.
At this point I am ready to forgive the episode for the Romulans all speaking perfect English since, as another reader pointed out, pretty much every race in Star Trek speaks flawless English (even though Spock comments on how unusual it is for the aliens to speak English in Bread and Circuses). My original point about crew members of the Romulan star ship not recognizing a fellow shipmate still stands. The thing is after watching it again I have a ton of new reasons why this episodes sucks.
First of all, I’m going to give massive hell to the props department for being to lazy or cheap to make up two more Romulan Bird of Prey models, forcing them to use the Klingon ships they happened to have lying around. The excuse they gave was cursory at best, and just made them look dumb. Also as a kid I had a Romulan ship model that I liked a lot.
Second, Kirks plan was to get surrounded and captured by the Romulans??? Wasn’t it established in Balance of Terror that no contact had ever been established directly with the Romulans and then later in the Deadly Years that Romulans never take prisoners? What if the Romulan commander had opted to just obliterate the Enterprise and then sift through the wreckage for anything useful? If a ship came into my territory in a suicidal manner I would have to assume they had some massive technological advantage and nuke it at range. Also what is the deal with the Romulan commander offering amnesty for the crew as they were simply following Kirk’s orders? Doesn’t sound much like Romulans to me.
Third, Kirk has Spock induce a death-like trance so good it fools the Romulan doctors. They send his body back to the Enterprise. If you follow the history of Romulan/Federation contacts this really is the first time humans and Romulans have met face to face. What if the Romulan commander had opted to put Kirks body through a thorough post mortem in hopes of learning some natural weakness and sent his remains back to the Enterprise in a bucket? Sounds like what they would do, and is definitely what I would do in their place.
Vulcan death grip??? How dumb do you have to be to fall for that?
Finally, Kirk manages to bluff and karate chop his way to the cloaking device. He steals it and transports back to the Enterprise (by the way, don’t transporters have a hard time going through active deflector shields? Hasn’t that been established in like 100,000 episodes?). Kirk gives Scotty 15 minutes to hook it up to the ship to get them out of there. The Romulan commander finds out almost immediately and does…nothing? What if she had called the Enterprise and said something like “You have stolen our cloaking device. I will give you 30 seconds to transport it back to our ship. For every second you are late, I will kill you. Oh, by the way I’m going to execute Spock too.” That’s 15 minutes of waiting for the Enterprise to escape. Also, Kirk was betting a lot on Scotty being able to hook it up to the ship. What if the Romulans were using DC and all the Enterprise outlets were AC? Also, at the start of this fiasco he didn’t know that the Romulans didn’t have a way of defeating their own cloak. Not exactly a calculated risk
Oh, yeah. They also manage to transport Spock back on board at the last second (deflector shields again).
Oh, well. Even a bad Star Trek episode is better than watching the Kardashians bimbo their way across LA. The Romulan logo shirt is from the Star Trek t-shirt category by the way.
Thanks for reading. I saw Cold Light of Day yesterday and should have written it up today, but that movie has caused an advanced state of apathy in me. I’ll write it up tomorrow. Also I’m kind of fired up about Star Trek right now. I’m grinding through the horrible 3rd season and feel the need for an outlet and you, my beloved readers, are it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (act now to be my 167th follower!). If you have a comment on this episode or my issues with it feel free to post here. Any off topic questions or suggests email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Resident Evil: Retribution Review
Awesomely horrible.
I am in fact a fan of the whole Resident Evil series. I played the games years ago, and enjoy the movies for the pure brain candy that they are. They serve purely as a vehicle to give Mila Jovovich a chance to slow motion kick the hell out of zombies, mutants, and Umbrella Corporation employees (Umbrella logo shirt from the Zombie T Shirt category) and in that narrow category this one is dead on.
That being said, they are definitely the film equivalent of a Caesars salad made of lead paint chips, steadily eroding the average cinema IQ of the movie going audience. The thing to remember is the movies view exactly like watching someone play the Resident Evil video games, and Capcom is not well know for crafting amazing (or even coherent) stories in their video games as well.
This is the point in any discussion of the relative cinema merits of a RE film that someone has to stand up and say “What the hell were you expecting? It’s Resident Evil!” This is an extremely valid point and one I wont belabor. If you go to an RE film expecting anything worthwhile you should dedicate your life to finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, as I guarantee you will have more chance of success.
Resident Evil: Retribution is a particularly harsh example of great action and special effect glued to a script that would bring shame to the writers of 80’s porn movies. The story seems embarrassed to show itself and for good reason. It peaks around the corner of an action scene timorously, squeaks out a few lines of expository dialog, and then hides in the closet weeping quietly while Alice and her crew rush to the next set piece for slow motion action mayhem. Keeping in line with the current ugly trend in movie making there is nothing really original here at all. The film could be called Resident Evil: Regurgitation as every villain, monster, and supporting hero has been vomited up from past movies including the Red Queen and Rain from the first film, as well as pretty much all of Alice’s past boyfriends, Jill Valentine, and assassin Ada Wong.
The story actually defies description. I was awake and alert and I honestly can’t tell you what the hell was going on. Back in November I wrote a post about the Umbrella Corporation and what the hell their deal was, and never were my points more driven home. How exactly does destroying the human race and turning them all into zombies or biological monsters generate profit? I’ve also never seen a company more in love with it’s own logo. Every door, gun, knife, vehicle, pencil, and pot holder in the movie has an Umbrella logo on it. I am going to have to remember that trick when my company is on its way to world domination (I think I need a cool logo first).
Anyway, Alice (Mila Jovovich-the whole RE series, the Fifth Element, the Three Musketeers) and starts off with a reverse action scene on a cargo ship from the last movie that is really, really freaking cool. Unfortunately that sequence has nothing to do with the rest of the film and vanishes into the nether. Alice wakes up almost naked on a giant Umbrella logo (by the way, I know this was supposed to hearken back to the first film but the garment they cooked up to almost but not quite show her naked made the thermal wraps she wore in the Fifth Element actually look functional. Basically two square towels front and back held on with Scotch tape) and is tortured and interrogated for no apparent reason by Jill Valentine, who is under control of a mechanical spider. She gets busted out by Luthor West (Boris Kodjoe) with help from Ada Wong (Bingbing Li). There was some weird sequence of Alice living as a suburban housewife who’s community gets overrun with zombies and she has to escape with her hearing impaired daughter.
The story goes in all kinds of weird directions. Rain (Michelle Rodriguez) shows up both as another suburban housewife and later as a mercenary out to kill Alice. West sends in an assault team comprised of a bunch of other old characters. There is something about Alice having the key to human survival and they have to break her out of the Umbrella base, which is an abandoned Russian sub base except there are still some nuclear subs around. Jill and Rain are after them, along with a legion of zombie soldiers and massive mutants. They move from set piece to set piece (literally. The base has reproductions of Tokyo, Moscow, etc and they have to fight through each one). There is a big fight at the end, and eventually Alice escapes with her daughter into the prelude to the next sequel.
The stars. If you like brainless action and hot women in skin tight S&M outfits this movie will work for you. Two stars. The CGI and filming were really, really good. One star. The fight choreography was brilliant and the complete opposite of the quick cut action that films have been using lately to avoid having to find actors who can actually fight. One star. All the monsters were gross and cool. One star. While I am of course a big Mila Jovovich fan I am actually giving a star for Bingbing Li. Something about her with a gun strapped to her bare upper thigh exposed by the midriff slit in her hot red dress did things for me. I can’t quite figure out what exactly but will think about it. The only problem I would have dating her would be saying her name and not bursting into laughter (insensitive as hell, I know). One star. A movie that delivers exactly what the specific audience wants. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. If movie stories were babies, this one would not even qualify as afterbirth. Two black holes. This film borrowed so heavily from the previous movies that it’s debt must rival the national one. One black hole. In addition to being bad, the story left me really confused at points. No one had a motivation they could articulate to do anything, leaving me without any kind of reason to even try to understand. One black hole. For a zombie movie I found this film really lacking in zombies. One black hole. The action, while good, bordered on the ridiculous at times. It has always been pretty apparent that Alice is unbeatable, which tends to drain the tension from the scene. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of one star. Should you see it? There really is only one reason to see this film, and that is if you are a fan of Resident Evil and have seen all the others previous to it. If so you will enjoy the hell out of it. The action is exactly what you want. If you have not seen any of them or like to understand what the hell is going on don’t bother. Date movie? Hell no. Bathroom break? A bizarre side effect of having no real story in this movie is that none of the scenes are critical, but all of them are exciting and fun. If you are enjoying the film I would say hold it for 95 minutes and if you are not go any time you like.
Thanks for reading. More movies out this weekend, so look for something else soon. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post any comment about this movie or my review here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Campaign Review
I feel like I am falling way behind in my reviews, but the fact is every other aspect of my life has ramped up to 11, cutting back on my time to spend on these. It is unfortunate. Between seeing and writing these reviews each one of them can take up to 6 hours, and that is a big chunk of my day.
I am a massive Will Ferrel fan, and even before doing reviews would try to see him in everything he did. Zoolander is one of my favorite comedies, mainly due to the awesomeness of Will as Mugatu. I consider it a nod in the right direction when they named his character after the space yeti from Star Trek A Private Little War. (Zoolander image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).
However, I was forced to give his most recent movie Casa de Mi Padre kind of a crap review. It just missed the mark by a lot IMO, and I went into this film hopeful for something great but really fearing another dog.
Thankfully this movie had me laughing my ass off, at least in parts. Will Ferrell, with his ability to pull serious and ridiculous in the same line of dialog, combined with the very talented Zack Galifianakis made some scenes that were funnier than a lot of things I have watched in the last three years. The funny doesn’t necessarily carry throughout the entirety of the movie, but there are a few moments that stand out so hard that I think they are worth the entire cost of the film.
If I were to offer a criticism (which, technically, is what I am here to do) it would be that the film shot off all it’s funny ammunition in the first 30-40 minutes and was kind of grinding out the script by the end. It is a curse of political campaign films that in the end, despite all of Hollywood’s attempts to convince us otherwise, political campaigns are ultimately boring. However, even in the grinding portions of the film there are truly comedic moments, usually involving ridiculous campaign ads or debate debacle. This film was also laced with some serious supporting talent, with the great Dan Aykroyd and Johnathon Lithgow not just doing cameos but actually having great roles throughout the story.
The other criticism that could be offered up is that both of the main characters are mainly playing the same characters they have always played. Zack is more or less doing a nicer version of his character from the Hangover, and Will is playing his Bush role from SNL. This doesn’t necessarily hurt the movie itself, and if you are a fan of those roles you will probably be very happy with it, but still.
The story is of a North Carolina Congressmen (Will Ferrell-Elf, Zoolander, Stranger than Fiction) who is running unopposed in his next re-election when a bad drunk dial to a Christian family (headed appropriately enough by Jack McBrayer in a great cameo) exposes him as a degenerate. The local power brokers the Motch brothers (John Lithgow and Dan Aykroyd) decide he is too much effort to get re-elected and opt to support another candidate. They tap local character Marty Huggins (Zack Galifianakis-The Hangover, the Hangover Part 2, Due Date) as their man. He is weird and frumpy, so they send in veteran campaign manager Tim Wattley (Dylan McDermott-the Practice, In the Line of Fire, the Messangers) to revamp his life, making him more manly and appealing to the voters.
At that point the movie turns into a tit-for-tat dirty politics campaign movie. One side comes out with a brutal ad and the other retaliates. Marty is a honorable neophyte and Cam Brady is a corrupt veteran. There is a sub plot about the entire district being sold to the Chinese. Things get dirty fast, but honestly the story gets pretty political movie stereotyped without actually committing to any one side or the other. This happens about the time the jokes run out of gas, making the last 1/3rd of the film a grind.
The stars. The cast was chock full of great actors, and I enjoyed them a lot. Three stars. There were some bust your gut moments (the Huggins dinner table in particular) that had me holding my sides. One star. They didn’t do the thing that infuriates me about films like this in making the wife of the fat dumpy guy super hot. One star. Generally fun and worth watching. One star. Total: six stars.
The black hole. The humor kind of drained out of the film by the last half. One black hole. Aside from some really funny moments the story and script was pretty rote and by the book. One black hole. The film seriously suffered from the directors constant avoidance of anything actually political or controversial. People who sit on a fence are boring. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of three stars. Better than Casa. It’s funny, but will it be a classic like Elf or Zoolander? No. Cute NetFlix fare when you are bored on a Tuesday night. Nothing on the screen really required a big one, so feel free to watch it at home. Date movie? Sure, if you want something bland that won’t offend anyone. Bathroom break? Nothing past the halfway mark is really critical, except for maybe the scene with Will freaking out in his campaign headquarters. However this film is only 85 minutes so hopefully you can hold it.
Thanks for reading. Not my best review, but for those I need something I either really love or really hate. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to post comments on this review or move here. If you have any off topic questions or comments feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
