World of Warcraft Mists of Pandaria First Impressions
Or, World of Warcraft, Mists of Kung Fu Panda
It is fair to say I have a troubled and problematic history with World of Warcraft in the same way a heroin addict has a troubled and problematic past with smack. There was a five year period of my life when I had no friends and did nothing but play. I skipped work, bailed on on parties, and was religious about raid times. I am more than reasonably sure my WOW playing ended at least two relationships with actual human females (one of whom in retrospect I really miss), and I’m pretty sure my few friends and family were seriously considering an intervention.
Fortunately, I ran into some guild drama (one guy in particular was making my life hell) about the same time as my interest in finding a hot new pair of magic pants dried up. When I started my commercial website I discovered I could channel my need to play games and grind into working on my site. I also discovered I liked writing and got into doing this blog, and in retrospect while I don’t regret the time I spent playing (incidentally, if I were to reactivate my account and do a /played on my main it would come back with something like 1.5 years. I had a bunch of alts too) as I enjoyed the hell out of it, through the fog of time and recollection I realize how unimportant that time really was.
However, I believe this gives me a perspective to do a review of WOW that many other people might be missing. I am not a WOW hater and have no problem with grinding stuff (I did have the Insane in the Membrane achievement at level 70, if any of you know what that means). When I consider that I spent dozens of hours a week for the monthly cost of what a movie might cost me I think it’s the best entertainment value I have ever spent. Thus I feel like I can share with you my ill informed opinion based solely on the trailers and what other people are ranting about (Hellscream image courtesy of the WOW T Shirt category).
Blizzard has never been overburdened with creative juices and never has it been more apparent than in this expansion. Every video I have seen of the Pandarians looks exactly like an extra clip from Kung Fu Panda, with slightly more humor. I am definitely one of those crusty old bastards who will tell you that vanilla WOW was the best and everything after Burning Crusade has sucked like a breach in your EVA suit, but this looks like a low point in character design. Did Blizzard feel like WOW players were not getting enough ridicule from other gamers and needed a race even more comedic than gnomes or goblins? When I played my orc hunter I used to imagine I was a bad ass green terror machine with a bow that could split your skill from 40 yards. The whole point of playing an avatar is to pretend you are something you are not. Having WOW players play fat furry couch potatoes who love to eat (two of the racials are food related and one is about being so fat you bounce on impact when falling) might just be too close to reality to allow for that necessary escape. Also, will Pandarians committed to the Alliance be able to talk to Horde Pandarians? If not how do you explain that?
The second thing that “inspired” Blizzard (cough cough ripped off cough cough) looks like Pokemon. Now you can not only collect pets but have them battle each other for experience and levels. If you come across a pet that can be captured and defeat it with your pet you get to keep it. Does the game provide you with red and white balls or is there a vendor who sells them? How is this NOT Pokemon? “Corehound Pup, I choose YOUUUUU!”
As for game play, it’s been months since I played and I’m not really familiar enough to judge what the changes mean to the actually playing. I played a hunter and it looks like they got rid of melee weapons for them, as well as minimum range. If they have gotten rid of melee for hunters and are only allowing you to use your ranged attacks that looks like a serious simplification of game play. Ever since Wrath came out it is apparent that Blizzard wants everyone to be able to play, even brain dead invalids. The controls and game play have gotten seriously easier and easier, and if they make things any simpler than last time I played primordial ooze will be able to get to level 90 and grind out a decent set of epic gear. The simplification of the game is one of the things that made leaving it easier for me.
Honestly, in my mind WOW died when WOTLK came out. Everyone QQ’d about not seeing the end of Sunwell (I saw it, and we killed Kil’jaeden before they nerfed all the bosses) in BC and so they made everything in baby mode. It just took a lot of the challenge out for me and a lot of my friends. Will MOP change that and make the game worth playing again? Based on what I see probably not. Most likely it will end up being another casual grind fest with no real draw for the hard core players other than they have been playing for years and can’t give it up. Fortunately I will most likely not have to get into it, so I will probably wait until I see the review on Zero Punctuation.
Dave
Happy Birthday Star Trek!
I keep hearing different dates for the first showing of Star Trek (it was actually the Man Trap, but I don’t have an image for that one. The Cage was the pilot. This image comes courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category). Wikipedia says it was Sept. 8th, but George Takei says it was on the 7th. Regardless of the exact date, 46 years ago a series started that would go on to be a major influence in my life (as well as many others), not only as a young person but even here today. I can honestly say I would not be the person I am without Star Trek.
Honestly, that’s pretty much I I have to say. Regular readers will have heard me gush about TOS before, and write up assorted lists of things I consider important from the series. It might have not been the best written, best acted, or best produced show in TV history, but I honestly challenge you to find one that has had more influence on modern TV, movies, culture, or even technology.
So I will leave you with the most sincere and uplifting salutation available to nerds: to all of you out there, live long and prosper.
Amazing Dave
The Possession Review
A weird combination of awesome and mundane.
Anyone else remember when Hollywood was a font of creativity with new and cool ideas coming out all the time? When original ideas were sought and lauded while producers and actors worked to create their own identity and not be like anything else?
Well, those days are long gone, and thank God! Who wants exciting new ideas when we can get our entertainment spoon fed to us from the moldering compost heap of old movies? We take the time to recycle our paper, plastic, and metal. Why not recycle ideas as a means of making money without having to strain the creative process? Surely our Mother Earth will thank us at some point.
Sigh. That was a little harsh. This movie is by no means bad, and in many ways is really, really good. However, it is pretty much the Exorcist with a little bit of the Devil Inside and any number of other possession themed movies. The plot is painfully predictable for anyone who has seen an exorcism movie and doesn’t even attempt to mix it up (unless changing the Catholic priest into a Jewish rabbi counts as a radical change). The predictability, combined with the modern PC enamored inability to take the horror to the actual level needed (remember Linda Blair violating herself with a holy cross? Nothing that horrible in here) makes the scenes in here that are supposed to terrify you seem more prosaic, like watching an exorcism documentary. There are a few jump out at you moments, but other than that I never found myself honestly that scared.
What this movie does have, however, is some of the best acting I have seen in any horror movie ever. 
The protagonist Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan-Watchmen (Comedian), the Losers, P.S. I Love You. Watchmen image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) plays the role like this is his Oscar nomination, and his interaction with his young possessed daughter (Natasha Calis-Impact, the Firm, Held Hostage) has real father/daughter chemistry. Natasha as Em does a job that most adults would envy, moving seamlessly from innocent vegetarian idealist to possessed Hell-spawn. The other daughter (Madison Davenport-Horton Hears a Who, Over the Hedge) is also amazing in her support role. The estranged wife (Kira Sedgwick-Phenomenon, Closer, Gamer) and her d-bag boyfriend (Grant Show-Melrose Place, Natalie Holloway, Ice) both nail the roles down hard. I think it fair to say I have seen a lot of movies in the last couple years filled with both good and bad acting and this one really amazed me.
Sam Raime is involved in this movie in some ill defined way. I have something of a love/hate relationship with Raime, similar in nature (if not in magnitude) to my relationship with George Lucas. I love Sam for Evil Dead I and II, Army of Darkness, Bubba Hotep, and Drag Me to Hell but he did his credibility a huge disservice with his last Spider-man movie. A lifetime of great movie accomplishments ruined by emo Peter Parker and Green Goblin on a snowboard.
Before I get into the meat of this film I would like to raise one thing this movie had going on that bugged the hell out of me. Like most horror movies this one capitalized on dark lighting effects to enhance the terror. However, the trick the director came up with to create the dark lighting was to literally get the actors to forget how to turn on a light switch. If any normal human walks into a dark morgue filled with corpses the first thing they are going to do is feel around the side of the door looking for the lights, not try to use their cell phone to see what is going on. This happened over and over again, all in rooms that nominally have great lighting. Hospitals, schools, modern houses; the list of scenes where the actor should have reached out all of 18 inches to actually see what the hell was going on is brutally extensive. I know this is a minor thing but I noticed it early on and ever time it happened after that it just bugged me more.
Anyway, the story. If there is one lesson to be gleaned from this movie it’s to NOT buy any occult looking garbage at a garage sale. Clyde and his wife are getting a divorce and their two daughters are dealing with it. Clyde buys Em a wooden box that contains an evil demon who possesses her. Now go rent the Exorcist and you have the entire story.
I’m not kidding. Em doesn’t spend as much time in bed, spinning her head, or bazooka barfing all over the place but essentially goes through the same progressively evil transformation and redemption. Instead of a Catholic priest Clyde finds a young Jewish rabbi (Matisyahu-Knocked Up, the Other Men in Black, Matisyahu) to perform the ceremony. There is a lot more chasing, and the box plays a big part of it, but that’s essentially it.
The stars. Phenomenal acting. I would see any of the actors in this film in almost anything else they do (all right, as a reviewer I would probably see it anyway, but at least I won’t be dreading it so much). Three stars. Camera work and pacing were all of high quality, as well as really good lighting effects. One star. If you have never seen anything more terrifying than the Sound of Music and are unfamiliar with the story of the Exorcist this film will scare the pants off you and be seen as a pretty decent movie. One star. Total: Five stars.
The black holes. So cookie cutter derivative it might as well have been written by taking the script from the Exorcist and used the Find and Replace function in Microsoft Word a half dozen times. Two black holes. The whole missing light switch thing, which even now is chaffing me like a pricker bush thong. One black hole. That’s pretty much it. Three black holes total.
A final score of two stars. That score isn’t really representative of the actual film quality. It’s not that bad really, and if you are either a super fan of the Exorcist or have never seen it you will probably enjoy the hell out of it. This movie frustrates me, in that had they used all that amazing acting and character development in a script even slightly more original they could have had an all time classic. Instead they have another remake that doesn’t even have the balls to call itself a remake. Come to think of it I think I would have enjoyed this a lot more had it just been the Exorcist 2012 with this cast of people. Date movie? Not really. Gruesome enough to put a girl off while not honestly terrifying enough to have her in your lap. Lawless is a better date film IMO. Bathroom break? That’s a good question. I was enjoying all the acting so much that I can’t think of anything worth missing. I guess I would say the scene between Em and Brett (the ex wife’s boyfriend) in the garage. You get the point (she’s evil) in the first three seconds and the rest of it doesn’t add anything.
Thanks for reading. I don’t have any movie plans this weekend but am sure I will come up with something. Watching lots of Star Trek right now. Feel free to comment on this review or movie here. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Amazing Dave
Lawless Movie Review
Pretty damned good.
I consider it a waste of potential when a movie with a title so easy to twist into funny jokes like “pointless” or “scriptless” makes the cardinal sin of being fairly decent. It’s like having the most fertile soil on the planet but all you have to plant are lima beans.
Ironically, one of the few black holes I am about to award to this movie has to do with the title of the film. There is an ugly trend going on these days in movie titles where the title has little to nothing to do with the actual content of the film. Usually it falls into the “one word” title of the film. Brave wasn’t really about bravery or being brave, Abduction had nothing to do with abduction (or movie making apparently), and Drive actually had little to do with driving. Not to say the movies didn’t feature bravery or driving (there was no actual abducting in Abduction. It still grinds my gears) but in no way was the title describing a critical plot point.
So it is with Lawless. Technically the main characters are lawbreakers, but they seem to do so with the active consent of the local law enforcement. They are not rampaging hooligans with complete disregard for society and order, which is what the title had me thinking the movie was going to be. In their own way they were decent humans with a respect for their community who happened to think prohibition was a dumb law. I think this is another example of movie making by committee. No one could think of a good title for this project and Lawless was at the top of a list of 25 suggestions from the assorted producers and crew.
Not to say this movie sucked. Like the vast majority of movies it had its flaws, but the story was solid and most of the acting at least respectible. Even Shia LaBeouf (Transformers) managed to not annoy me and seemed appropriate for his role, but since his role was that of a wimpy loser with delusions of grandeur and a less generous review might describe him with exactly those words in all his roles that might just be a case of really good (or really lucky) casting. Tom Hardy (Warrior, Layer Cake, Batman Rises, Inception) was really amazing and has cemented himself into the pole position of actors I will always try to see regardless of the movie genre. Everyone else delivered a very respectable job, especially Guy Pearce (Hurt Locker, LA Confidential, Memento) as the fastidious villain.
The only real story issue comes from the denouement. The first 85 minutes come across as an awesome Godfather/There Will Be Blood crime syndicate long story, which seemed appropriate for the level of quality acting and direction. Then it kind of falls apart in the last 30 minutes and reforms itself into Red Dawn/Commando. Again, not in a bad way. It just shifted gears headed into Act III and left me with a completely different taste as I looked for my car.
The movie is set in the 30’s and details the adventures of the infamous Bondurant boys, real life bootleggers in Franklin County Virginia. The leader is Forest (Tom Hardy), who manages to communicate more meaning and emotion in a grunt and three words of hillbilly accent than most actors can with an extended soliloquy. The middle brother is Howard (Jason Clarke-Public Enemies, Death Race, Rabbit-Proof Fence), a psychotic hot head who acts at the gangs enforcer. The youngest brother is Jack (Shia LeBeouf), who is the wimpy sidekick who dreams of being bigger and is also the narrator and technically the protagonist. The three brothers believe they are indestructible and more or less prove it throughout the movie. They are doing fine as moonshiners until a new lawman (Guy Pearce) appears and is trying to gouge them for more money. (Drink image courtesy of the Funny T-Shirt category)
That’s almost the entirety of the story. If you have seen There Will Be Blood you can pretty much figure out what is going on. Jack is in love with a preachers’ daughter (Mia Wasikowska-Alice in Wonderland, Jayne Eyre, the Kids are All Right) and has a nice sub plot that manages to enhance the main story without hijacking it. A city girl from Chicago (Jessica Chastain-Tree of Life, the Help, Take Shelter) shows up and gets a job at the Bondurant gas station and has a romance with Forest. The story progresses in a series of developmental vignettes until the ending, when it all comes crashing together. Guys get shot, throats cut, and otherwise killed. After a great movie I found the ending to be more than a little flaccid.
The stars. Great, interesting story. Two stars. Excellent acting all around, with special props to Tom Hardy. Two stars. Based on real life American characters. One star. Some entirely gratuitous, unnecessary, and highly appreciated nudity including Jessica Chastain (after Tree of Life I figure she owes me something). Finally a director who gets that if you are going to eat an R rating anyway you might as well go to the hilt. One star. The atmosphere had a very strong 30’s feel to it, and the camera work and direction spot on. One star. Overall a very entertaining movie. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. The whole title thing I started off this blog bitching about. One black hole. The shifting of story tone towards the end. One black hole. Pacing seemed a little erratic. Fast-slow-fast-slow. One black hole. I found the ending to be weak. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of five stars and my recommendation that you go see this film. If you like crime and/or Americana this will really work for you. There is nothing in the camera work that demands a large screen, but if you like to see good movies do well support it by going to a theater. You won’t miss much doing it at home however. Date movie? I’m going to say sure, but not a first or second date. The violence is not so horrible that it will turn her off, and she might really appreciate the acting. However, it won’t ecourage her to like you more. I see this as a great compromise movie. It has elements both of you should like. That being said try to see it after you have actually formed some kind of attachment to her. Bathroom break? Nothing really stands out, to be honest. If I had to pick a scene you could live without I would say when Jack and Cricket take off in the truck by themselves to deliver moonshine. The driving scene has a little bit of interesting stuff but nothing that you will need to appreciate the film.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to see Possession tonight and review it tomorrow. Looks like a creepy one. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments or thoughts on this review or movie feel free to post them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The “New, Improved” Star Trek TOS
So I have been watching these pretty much every night while working on my new Warhammer army and enjoying it quite a bit. However, I am getting a little put off by the changes they made when they digitally remastered the series.
Some of the changes are for the better. I appreciate the cleaner images and sharper colors. As I watched the show in black and white as a kid the colors have always seemed garish and unreal, and the changes are in my mind quite an improvement. The remastered audio is certainly an improvement, and helps it bear up next to current technology.
The issue I am having is the replacement or addition of the ship effects with CGI. First of all, the show is deeply embedded in the 60’s in terms of shot blocking, camera work, sets, and props. This is part of the charm of the series. When they cut to a scene of the Enterprise spitting out satellite (in a shot almost exactly like the opening scene from the Empire Strikes Back) it looks horribly out of place and throws me out of the scene. I’d like to say it’s like putting a beautiful wedding dress on a sow, but I don’t want to denigrate the show like that. It’s more like taking a guy wearing all retro 70’s clothing but have him walking around Skyping on an iPad (die hipster scum). It just jarring and out of place.
However, that is not the real issue for me. The real issue is the fact that Star Trek was never sold to the viewing populace as a special effects space opera. In all ways the show was about the stories and characters, with the ship and special effects being tools with which to tell those stories. It was the Odysses in space, with Kirk in the role of Odysseus. The fact that the studio thought the one thing the series needed was more bright lights and cartoon space ships is insulting to the intelligence of every thinking Star Trek fan. I’m sure this might help suck in ignorant, stupid kids and hopefully turn them into Trek fans, but I can’t help but feel pandered to.
I’m sure most of you disagree and are welcome to do so. This image with the classic aliens on it courtesy of the Star Trek tshirt category. I’m on my way to see Lawless so I will climb down off my over opinionated Star Trek horse and climb onto my over opinionated movie horse tomorrow. Talk to you soon.
Amazing Dave
Some thoughts on the City on the Edge of Forever
I have been watching all the old TOS episodes while working on a new Warhammer army and the other night had the privilege of watching this one again. I have been rather put upon by this experience in seeing old episodes that I thought were at least OK and realizing with my more mature eye and a couple years of movie critic work that some of them aren’t quite as awesome as I remember them to be.
This one, however, is every bit as amazing as it was the first time I saw it and then some. I made this my number 6 on my top 10 best TOS episode list and honestly after seeing it again would bump it up a few slots. The story itself is wonderfully inventive and complex, but more importantly it is one of the greatest episodes for delving into Kirks mind and sense of duty. He has to make one of the worst decisions ever but does what his duty requires rather than what his heart wants.
I read a while ago that there is a theory in the Trek universe that the reason Kirk is such a man whore in all the remaining episodes is his one true love will always be Edith Keeler. While watching this episode I payed particular attention to his actions and I would have to say I agree. This is one of the few times he uses the L word and really seems to mean it. However, I have my doubts that the writers of the series really put that much thought or planning into it. That being said I note that Kirk manages to avoid romantic entanglements with alien women for 16 full episodes until the Gamemasters of Triskelion, so maybe there is some merit to that theory. I would like to think so.
The thing that struck me the hardest while rewatching the City was how absolutely stunning Joan Crawford was as Edith Keeler. I have never been a big fan of hers, but seeing her with her sophisticated accent makes me want to find a time portal back to 1967 to meet her. Star Trek never hesitated to hire the hottest women in this or the next universe, and they really struck gold with this casting. I remember liking her as a kid, but now as an adult I am totally captivated.
The City on the Edge of Forever is understandably one of the most critically acclaimed episodes, and won the Hugo for Best Dramatic Presentation in 1968. The story was originally written by Harlan Ellison, a science fiction writer who bitched heavily about the major rewrites that happened to his story. Apparently he originally had some kind of drug ring on board the Enterprise causing madness which Roddenberry wisely refused. However, he got the writing credit and in 2009 sued for royalties from the episode, which sounds a lot like having your cake and wanting to eat it too. A settlement of some kind was reached.
Anyway, if you are new to Star Trek and think a few of the first episodes are kind of dumb I think it OK to skip ahead to this one and have your concept of space drama re-imagined. The image I got from the Star Trek T-Shirt category. It was one of the most popular sellers at the recent Star Trek Convention with good reason.
Warhammer this weekend, so I don’t know if I will see a lot. There is a new Jet Li movie I am excited about so maybe I will find the time for that. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post any thoughts on this episode here. If you have off topic questions or comments feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Amazing Dave
ParaNorman in 3D Review
I Maed a Mov1e W1th Z0mb1e5 1n It
Extra nerd props to anyone who knows where I got that sub title from. Anyway, I was supposed to see Hit and Run last night but the timing sucked and I didn’t want to be out until midnight. I have important Warhammer related stuff to do. This one was playing at a more fitting time and as I loved Coraline I thought this one would make for a nice viewing.
As is my rule for kids movies I will not be doing my usual stars/black holes but rather taking it in more on an impression basis. My impression is not bad, but not great. Certainly not as good as Coraline, but certainly better than Brave. However, if this were a bell curve ParaNorman would sit on the Brave side of the hump rather than the Coraline side.
Don’t get me wrong. Visually this movie is stunning, with a seemless blend of amazing stop motion and CGI. The art is great, and you tend to forget its animated after a while. It’s like the Lorax with a soul. It also has the benefit of direction that many live action films could seriously be jealous of. Of course, the amount of effort put into a single stop motion scene as compared to shooting some dopey actors means you had better have your direction dialed unless you want your production people to mutiny.
Where, then, does it not work for me (I was about to type “fall apart” but in truth it doesn’t really fall apart so much as just stumble a few times)? Basically in two portions: the tone and the overall writing.
By tone I mean I can’t figure out if this is for kids or adults. Most good kids movies are for kids but put in enough adult stuff to keep dads from wanting to sneak to the bar down the street. In truth this film is too gruesome and horror-ish to be for kids, yet at the same time the story, jokes, and characters too childish for adults. The jokes that are in there are painfully obvious and predicable, and delivered with the subtlety of a baseball bat. Instead of writing in brilliant items for each group (Toy Story, Incredibles, etc) it lands squarely in the middle zone, or as I like to put it Mediocre Valley.
The story also impacts in that zone, with a pretty formulaic, prosaic message that has been spat out by any number of Disney movies and after school specials. This film is so deeply mired in the Stereotype Swamp (at the south end of the Mediocre Valley) that is needs a flat bottomed boat just to go shopping for groceries. There’s Norman, the creepy kid who talks to dead people and is bullied and ostracized by other kids at school at school; his fat friend who is a big weenie and goes on chip eating binges; his suburban disbelieving parents; his older social butterfly sister; their super nerdy girl friend; the fat kids older brother who is a dumb jock; the fat cop on a scooter; a big bully; and a cast of local yokels who make the guys from Deliverance look like the supporting characters from Sex and the City. It’s like the writers had a kids/horror stereotype checklist and scored in the 90% zone.
The story is of Norman, a weird kid who can see and talk to dead people. That very important plot element is beaten to death in the first ten minutes as he wanders the town talking to assorted ghosts but is then dropped entirely unless it is needed to advance the plot. He has what looks like a typical childhood; abused by his peers, bullied by a bigger kid, has a fat loser for a sidekick, and has all his major issues more or less ignored by his parents (if you think that last sentence might give you an insight into my own childhood I won’t say you are wrong). His crazy uncle wants him to take over keeping the local witch from rising from her grave and bringing forth the seven people responsible for her death as zombies (that Zombie Apocalypse image actually comes from our Cheap T Shirt category, incidentally).
Naturally things go haywire, starting with the death of the uncle and the undead rising up. The seven zombies do stuff that makes sense in a zombie movie but later when you realize what their real motivation is you kind of end up scratching your head. There is a long van chase scene with the head zombie trying to kill them all that will leave you confused if you think about it.
So it’s up to Norman to save the day with a long speech about the evilness of bullying and how it is better to forgive and forget or something. At the time the visuals were at their all time most amazing and I kind of lost track of the dialog (which was nothing to write home about anyway).
Anyway, it’s not a bad movie. If you are into animation and visuals you will really enjoy it. I don’t think it’s a great movie for pre teen kids, and honestly I don’t think it’s a great film for adults who expect to laugh with their kids. I will say the 3D was pretty good and enhanced the film a lot, so try to see it on a big screen in 3D. If you are going just because you hope for another Coraline I hope you enjoy popcorn. Date movie? This should work OK but I am not going to give it 2 thumbs up on it. Bathroom break? That’s easy. At one point the Mystery Gang (oh yeah, did I mention that if you squint and decide the bully is Scooby you basically have an episode of Scooby Doo?) go into the city hall and start doing an exciting search through old records to find the witch’s grave. Feel free to duck out right there if you are truly riveted by the story.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to see something else soon, although tonight is movie night at my friend Brian’s house and he has announced he will be showing something called Attack of the Two Headed Shark. Sounds amazing. Follow me on Twitter @nerdkungfu. Post a comment here if you loved this movie and think I am a soulless insensitive jerk for not shouting its praises from the rooftops (you can also comment if you think my reviews are good and this one is spot on. Also feel free to post if you have met me and think I am amazing. I can’t get enough of that). If you have off topic questions or comments feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Amazing Dave
Maybe the Alternative Factor was a lot worse than I remember it being.
Back in November when I did my 10 Worst Star Trek TOS Episode list I included my list of bad ones. One of the episodes that slipped my grasp was the Alternative Factor. One reader commented and called me out on it. At the time I said I had a liking for Lazarus and anti-Lazarus fighting for eternity between universes. However, I have been rewatching the TOS episodes and last night got up to the Alternative Factor and have had to reconsider my position on this one.
Basically this episode is the first to have Season 3 sized plot holes but was barely into Season 1. The science was about as dumb as possible. If anti-Lazarus was made of antimatter wouldn’t he be annihilated as soon as he came into contact with matter from our world? The matter humans are comprised of changes every minute. If anti-Lazarus ate or drank something what happened when he went home? Wouldn’t his stomach contacts destroy the universe? Is it only the exact molecules that destroy each other? How does that make sense?
So Lazarus is a crazed madman who has already expressed a desire for critical components of the Enterprise’s warp drive. Why didn’t Kirk just throw him in the brig, or at least put a guard on him? Instead a complete stranger has free run of the ship, and gets to hang out in the rec room listening to crew members discuss dilithium crystals. Had Lazarus been under observation the crew might have noticed how he kept phasing in and out of reality every time the universe went on it’s freaky binge. Given that knowledge I think Kirk would have not been remiss dropping him into the nearest black hole.
Why, exactly, did anti-Lazarus have to fight Lazarus in the corridor between universes forever? You can’t tell me it’s because of the balance of atoms or something like that. One of them had a bandage that the other did not, so there is no way the atom count was accurate. Why couldn’t Kirk have just executed Lazarus (the crazy one) or rendered him unconscious, tied him up, and tossed him into the little ship? Anti-Lazarus could have just hung out on the other side and blown up his own ship, then went home to market his own line of facial hair products.
Speaking of just knocking Lazarus out, at one point Kirk and Lazarus struggle as Kirk tries to pitch Lazarus into the gateway. That’s all fine and well, but Mr. Spock and two red shirts just stand there fully armed watching. What if Lazarus had been secretly trained in martial arts and tossed Kirk in the door again, or just gotten lucky and gouged out one of Kirks eyes? Spock could have nerve pinched him out, cuffed him, and tossed him into the corridor. Also Kirk takes his sweet ass time nuking the ship from orbit. At any second Lazarus or anti-Lazarus (or both) could have come rolling out of the gate and destroyed the universe.
I don’t know. Is it worse than the Enemy Within, my number 10 worst episode? I guess not. The science is not as horrible, and at least they tried to address some interesting ideas beyond the duality of man. However, Kirk did not get to demonstrate his range of acting ability as he did in the Enemy, so from a cinematographic point of view maybe.
One thing is for sure. This episode would have to murder a bus full of orphans and nuns to be considered worse than Spock’s Brain, so as bad as it or any of the other ones are at least it has that going for it. (Spock’s Brain image courtesy of the Star Trek T-Shirt category)
Today is cheap movie night, so I will try to see Hit and Run tonight. It’s the new pretty boy Bradley Cooper movie, but apparently it was done semi-independently so I am curious to see what comes of it. Look for the review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have any thoughts or comments on this post feel free to make them here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thanks for reading, and have a great day!
Dave
Premium Rush Review
Worth watching, but not worth rushing out to see.
Before I get into this review I want to make one thing absolutely clear: I, like any sane, rational human who lives in an urban are infested by hipsters, have a burning hatred of fixies that goes far beyond the pale. I actually like bikes and bicyclists and have one of my own (collecting dust with a flat, but at least I own one). I have always enjoyed watching BMX and trial bikes. However, I have found fixie riders to be to hipsters what hipster are to non D-bag people. (Portlandia image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirt category)
I mention this because the main character in this story is a fixie bike messenger, and I want to distance myself from his inclinations before I admit I actually like his character a lot (in spite of his very wrong mechanical affinity). I enjoyed this movie quite a bit. The action, while less inclined to follow the more traditional action hero formula, was exciting. The bike stunts and scenes were extremely well done and well shot. The main character Wiley (Joseph Gordon-Levitt-50/50, Inception, the Dark Knight Rises) was interesting, fun, and well portrayed. The supporting girls were reasonably good and both pretty hot (especially Jamie Chung (the Hangover Part 2, Sucker Punch, Grown Ups) who gets my vote as the hottest Asian alive right now). Most importantly the story made sense and didn’t have any massive plot holes or lack of motivation to bug the hell out of me. Everyone had a reason for doing what they were doing and at no point did it really stretch those motivation beyond what seemed reasonable.
All that being said, the film definitely had its issues. The story, while believable, was delivered in the most clunky and awkward manner possible. Flashbacks done well can be cool, but flashbacks done badly (especially done with a clock showing where you are Vantage Point style) feels like you cut your movie into 10 minute chunks and shot them out of a shotgun at a wall. Most of the characters besides Wiley were tertiary and insubstantial, and the villain (Michael Shannon-Vanilla Sky, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II) shifted gears radically from comedy relief to terrifying rage monster back and forth so often you find yourself wondering if his role was originally supposed to be two characters. The dialog was not great either, and I’m pretty sure they lifted a big part of the ending from the book Snow Crash.
The story. Honestly watch any “everyone wants the message kill the messenger” movie like the Transporter and you will have it. This one does not get props for originality. Wiley is a bike messenger in the Big Apple who rides a fixie and refuses to have a brake on his bike. He graduated from Columbia Law but has yet to take the bar mainly due to his love of riding. His last run of the day gets lifted by his biggest competitor (Wolé Parks-Taking Chance, As the World Turns, Undressed) who is also after his girlfriend (Dania Ramirez-X Men First Class, American Reunion, 25th Hour). He gets a last minute delivery from someone who turns out to be the roommate of his girlfriend Tita (Jamie Chung). Of course the delivery is very valuable and some Chinese gangsters recruit corrupt NYPD detective Monday (Michael Shannon) to track it down. At that point it is a chase movie. Wiley gets does the smart thing and goes to the police first and then tries to bail on the delivery only to be convinced of the morality of making it happen. Bikes get raced. Messengers get hit by cars (no spoiler there. You see it in the first 2 minutes).
The stars. Story made convoluted sense and didn’t bug me. Two stars. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was quite good. One star. The bike chase and stunt scenes were very well done and hand me totally engaged. Two stars. Jamie Chung should be in every movie made ever. One star. Michael Shannon in his comedy avatar was fun and engaging. One star. Overall a fun movie. One star. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. The disjointed story telling really tended to pull the audience out of the theater. One black hole. Most of the supporting characters didn’t add a lot of depth to the film. One black hole. The whole film was fairly derivative, and the ending both borrowed and out of place. One black hole. The Michal Shannon violent sociopath avatar felt really out of character. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Not bad at all. Worth seeing, and worth seeing in a theater. Date movie? Sure, why not? The action is good without being really gun or fist violence, there is a romance, and some family value stuff. Just know that between Joseph and Wolé you have two hot guys with avid bicyclist bodies on the screen, so expect to suffer a little in comparison. Bathroom break? The convoluted nature of this story deliver means missing the wrong moment can leave you lost when you get back. I would say that when you see an old Asian woman in China with a little boy towards the last 1/3rd of the film you have about 1-2 minutes of dead time to make a run for it. Not a lot happening in that scene you won’t have already figured out from earlier or will understand by the end of it.
Thanks for reading. More movies coming out so I will try to see something tonight or tomorrow. I am watching all the Star Trek episodes at home and once that is done will start up on TNG. Since I have never watched that series in order or in it’s entirety I might start doing short recaps and impressions a few episodes per post. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post any comments on this movie or review here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Expendables 2 Review
Pretty expendable, in my opinion.
I have been looking forward to this movie, to be honest. I enjoyed the first Expendables with the same guilty pleasure that makes me enjoy watching videos of guys getting hit in the testicles with baseballs and the like. Intellectually I don’t feel like I have at all improved my attitude, karma, or life in any way, but the animalistic brain stem part of my personality gains a deep satisfaction by watching literally mindless violence imparted on evil minions by guys who starred in most of the greatest action films of my childhood (Expendables poster image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).
This move definitely has the mindless violence covered, and more blood and action than a chainsaw juggler on meth. If that is all you want you will enjoy it immensely. However, the first movie at least tried to qualify as a movie, with an actual story, character development, and pacing. This movie has more or less given up on all that and not even bothered. The “plot” is perfunctory at best and only serves to connect the action sequences with all the cohesion of spit and toe jam. While some minor effort is wasted on trying to develop the characters it fails miserable, sabotaged by poor acting, poor direction, and dialog that seemed to shift back and forth from barely tolerable to wishing I was listening to metal albums backwards in hopes of hearing a Satanic message.
What then about the real draw of this film? What about the collection of all the greatest action heroes from the last 30 years? Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Stratham, Li, Lundgren, Norris, Van Damme, and Willis? With all that concentrated awesome in one film shouldn’t the movie achieve cinema cold fusion and spontaneously generate the greatest action film of all time? Unfortunately, no. It was actually a case of too much of a good thing. You get excited to see Arnold again, then Willis, and by the time you get to Chuck Norris you are kind of over it. Also, with the exception of Bruce Willis and arguably Stratham none of these action guys are well known for their acting ability, an issue that compounds itself with each additional scene. The problem was exacerbated by the newcomers also being pretty mediocre actors. You would think they might have tried hiring some talent for this. The guy I most liked got killed in the first 20 minutes.
Furthermore the “plot devices” they used to crowbar in each of these guys didn’t so much suspend my disbelief as eviscerate it and hang the remains from a gibbet. Each actor had to have some kind of reference to their trademark movie inserted with all the finesse of an anesthesia-less tracheostomy performed with gardening sheers. It’s funny how in the review I did for the recent Total Recall I enjoyed the clever references to the prior movie. Here the term “ham handed” fails to encompass how awkward, out of place, and disconnecting every “I’ll be back” or “lone wolf” joke felt.
The story, for lack of a better term. The Expendables are still running around Third World countries killing hapless locals in pursuit of money. Their old nemesis Church (Bruce Willis) shows up to extort them into doing a simple mission for him (this was actually the only non action scene I really liked to be honest. Bruce Willis can actually act). Barney (Sylvester Stallone) collects the rest of his team and hooks up with a sort of hot Asian girl (Nan Yu) who is tagging along as an expert in the technology of the safe they have to crack open. Apparently they are after some data that is the only know location for five tons of weapons grade plutonium left over from the cold war. It is in a high tech safe on a crashed plane (I guess no one uses email these days) that is somewhere in what I thought was China but later turned out to be some kind of Ukrainian peasant country. I guess they don’t investigate crashed planes.
Anyway, they find the data but are ambushed on the way out by the villain cleverly named Vilain (see what they did there? John Claude Van Damme, by the way). He captures the data from them but instead of either killing the whole team or just sending them on their way he does the stupidest thing possible, killing the one young guy in the most telegraphed death scene since Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. This of course motivates Stallone to lay out the entire rest of the plot in six words: “Track them. Find them. Kill them.”
Honestly that’s pretty much the rest of the movie. Lots of stuff gets blown up. The Expendables are fully capably of one shoting dozens of guys while zip lining down a massive cliff but the bad guys can’t hit the broad side of a barn from inside the barn. Seriously, the inability of trained mercenaries to hit squat from 20 feet firing on full auto got really ridiculous after a while. Most of the movie was like watching someone else play Duke Nukem on easy mode. Jet Li is in the first part of the film but then disappears, possibly off to do an action movie.
Anyway, the stars. The action, while ridiculous enough to make a trained monkey performing brain surgery seem believable, was exactly what the movie makers set out to do and what most of the audience most likely wants. Two stars. While the acting was execrable and the cramming of stars felt like coming in second in a week old hot dog eating contest, it was super cool to see all those past stars on one film. Three stars. I actually really enjoyed Van Damme as the villain and thought he did the best job of all of them. One star. The final fight scene between Barney and Vilain was pretty cool. One star. Overall a fun movie that accomplishes exactly what it set out to do. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. The story was God awful. One black hole. They sped through a lot of the plot advancing stuff, leaving what a less generous reviewer might call massive plot holes. One black hole. I honestly feel kind of ripped off at only 102 minutes. Another 12-15 minutes of plot, story, or character development would have been very well received. One black hole. The action was so ridiculous (especially surrounding Chuck Norris) that it actually hurt my brain. Also, what is the point of having Chuck Norris in a film that celebrates his action hero status but then not have him do any martial arts? One black hole. The crow barring in of bad jokes from past movies (or, in the case of Chuck Norris, bad Chuck Norris jokes) was really distracting. One black hole. The acting was almost universally like watching a scenery chewing contest. I don’t know who won but I definitely know who lost, and we were sitting in the theater. One black hole. They somehow found a non-action star love interest who had all the sexual chemistry of watching water evaporate. Her acting actually made most of the other acting seem better in comparison. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
A grand total of two stars, and to be honest I was reticent in my awarding of black holes. On a different day I might have dumped a lot more. However, you have to bear in mind what this movie set out to do. If all you want in mindless, dumb violence than you have found the equivalent of the Godfather. If you are looking for a story more complicated than a weak episode of Muppet Babies and acting more accomplished than a Punch and Judy skit than perhaps you had best walk on. If you do want to see it watch on a big screen. Date movie? Hell no. This film is an anti-date movie. Bathroom break? While no one scene is really critical for the story, if you want to not miss any of the action I would recommend the camping scene in the abandoned pizza restaurant. Nothing really happens besides bad sort of romance.
Thanks for reading. I will see at least one more movie tomorrow so look for another review soon. Jason is getting back tomorrow so he might be posting soon. If you have comments or questions related to this movie or my review of it feel free to post here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
