How they could have made the movie Battleship not suck.
So I’m starting a new thing for nights when I don’t have anything else to write about and it’s my special “How they could have made (insert sucky movie title here) not suck”. If you are a regular reader you should know by now I have a massive ego and overinflated sense of my own intellect and therefore feel totally qualified to tell guys in Hollywood who have been doing this all their lives how to do their jobs.
All that being said, the movie Battleship had some major issues and could probably have used some help. One of the biggest and stupidest mistakes was the steps the movie took to actually get the U.S.S. Missouri at full steam and armed in about two hours. I spoke to a guy I know in the Coast Guard the other day and he said those big steam engine ships would take two days just to get the boilers hot enough to generate steam and when you think about the thermodynamics of heating a giant tank of water to the boiling point that kind of makes sense. Also, there is no way they keep 30 year old live rounds on a ship with tourists on board. Furthermore, the pretense they had for including the game of Battleship into the movie Battleship was flimsy at best. (Failboat image I found lurking in the cheap t shirt category)
I, in all my genius, have thought of a plot that would both solve these problems and overall make for a much better and believable movie. Here it is:
Aliens invade the Earth. They set up a floating base out in the Pacific. The aliens breathe chlorine, and start to xenoform the planet (the term terraform is when we attempt to change the environment of an alien planet to let us live. If aliens do it here it’s xenoforming) the planet by pulling chlorine from the salt water (NaCl, for those of us who missed high school chemistry) pumping it into the atmosphere. Our navy attempts to assault them only to find out the aliens employ a powerful electromagnetic pulse (EMP) generator that fries all electronics that approach them. No radar, computers, missiles, range finders or pocket calculators work anymore, and with the ships more or less dead in the water the aliens ships sink them at their leisure. Aircraft without electronics falls out of the sky, leaving us helpless to thwart their dastardly scheme.
However, changing the entire atmosphere of a planet is a long process, leaving us weeks before the levels of chlorine get dangerous. How, then, to assault the aliens without our electronics? How about the dozens of ships in the mothball fleet? Most of them would take weeks if not months to retrofit with strickly analog controls, but a few older ships still have analog in place. First and foremost, the noble and mighty U.S.S. Missouri. Within a few short weeks of massive retrofit the ship with a number of analog equipped support ships steams to battle the alien menace.
Once they close with the aliens they discover that a byproduct of the xenoforming process seems to be a visibility obscuring fog that leaves the more or less steaming around blind. However, the aliens are in the same boat (haw!) and the battle is reduced to shooting blindly and hoping for a hit, or perhaps firing off flares in hopes of gaining a target.
You get the idea. This strikes me as being a much better story and just cutting some chains and running off. Movies like this just show how lazy and unimaginative Hollywood really is.
Thanks for reading. I think I am going to have fun with these. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have ideas on how else this movie could have been improve by all means post them here. Off topic comments or suggestions for other movies that could be improved email to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
What to Expect When You’re Expecting Movie Review
Expect a lot of pain.
I actually want to thank the producers of this film because it has helped answer a question that has bugged me for years: what would it be like to be water boarded for 110 minutes? I might have gleaned something else on the prospect of kids and parenthood in my life, but in spite of this films best effort to convince me otherwise I think I still want to one day have a wife and kids (or some kind of android synthetic or VR equivalent, both of which seem more likely based on my current dating success rate).
Assemblage scripts are garbage designed to crowbar as much star appeal into a movie with minimum effort as possible. While this film was slightly more tolerable than New Years Eve in both story and acting effort, it still had that convoluted multiple character/story thing that results in the audience never really connecting to or caring about any of the characters. They all blur into a mundane paste of faces normally occupied by supporting characters. Each substory in turn is grossly undeveloped and comprised entirely of every pregnancy cliche in the history of the universe.
That being said, the director of this one (Kirk Jones-Nanny McPhee, Waking Ned Divine, Everybody’s Fine) at least made some effort to throw in some character development that had a little potential, but they were universally premature and undeveloped (haw!). The entire film suffers from the curse of Trying to do Too Much. There is a reason most good movies have a protagonist in one form or another, and one main story line with a few sub plots. Following the lives of five different couples is like trying to follow the lives of five of your friends, and we all know how hard that gets. I don’t go to the movies to work harder than I do in my real life.
Anyway, the story is of a bevy of insanely hot girls getting knocked up by their lame husbands, boyfriends, or one night stands. Cameron Diaz (Something About Mary, Gangs of New York, the Green Hornet) is a reality TV celebrity who gets knocked up by her dance show partner (Matthew Morrison-Glee, Dan in Real Life, Music and Lyrics) and has to balance pregnancy with her celebrity life. Jennifer Lopez (Gigli, Monster-in-Law, the Cell (very underrated movie IMO)) was looking super hot as the infertile unemployed photographer trying to adopt an Ethiopian orphan with her husband (Rodrigo Santoro-I Love you Phillip Morris, 300, Rio). Elizabeth Banks (the Hunger Games, the 40 Year Old Virgin, the Next Three Days) plays a baby store owner who desperately wants to have a baby with her wimpy husband Gary (Ben Falcone-Bridesmaids, Smiley Face, Garfield: a Tail of Two Kitties) who has series daddy issues with his race car father (Dennis Quaid-Vantage Point, the Day After Tomorrow, Frequency). His dad is also going to have twins with his perfect wife Skyler (Brooklyn Decker-Battleship, Just Go With It). Meanwhile, young food truck owners Marco (Chase Crawford-Covenant, Gossip Girl, Twelve) and Rosie (Up in the Air, Scott Pilgrim Versus the World, 50/50) get knocked up after a one night stand.
Really, that’s pretty much all you need about the story. The rest of the film plays out like a Chinese restaurant menu that only serves pregnancy cliches. One from column A, two from column B, etc. The closest thing to actual hardship is from Rosie and Marco, and the rest of them seem to be living in an idyllic world where discomfort and hardship are at worst temporary situations. There’s also a “dudes” group of daddies who punctuate the rest of the lame stories with some of the most emasculating testicle destroying dialog since Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Seriously, these guys are exactly the whipped boobs every guy fears turning into when presented with the prospect of marriage and kids. I don’t know what the director was thinking about shoving them into this thing, or how much they had to pay Chris Rock to agree to participate.
Anyway, the stars. A hotter bunch of women you will not find in this universe. One star. As much as I would like to just dump all over this film in all ways, there were a few cliche driven laughs. One star. I will award a star for this movie a star for sticking to it’s PG-13 guns and not showing any graphic birthing scenes. 
There are some things that cannot be unseen. One star. One of the food trucks specialized in bacon. One star for deliciousness (Bacon image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). Total: four stars.
The black holes. Five different intertwined stories, none of which I could give a damn about. One black hole. Most of the stories were undeveloped, trite, and uninteresting. One black hole. This script fell out of the cliche tree and hit every branch. One black hole. Predictable as hell. One black hole. Pacing really dragged on at points. One black hole. Kids are cute, but parents generally suck. One black hole. Somehow they cast two guys who look like they went to the same high school together as father and son. Also, for the most part I hated all the male characters. One black hole. The “dudes” group insulted both my intelligence and machismo. Two black holes. Total: nine black holes.
Grand total of five black holes. Not great. Worth seeing? Not if you respect your testosterone. Date movie? In one sense yes, in that she will probably love it and be thinking about what could be. On the other hand, if you are not into having kids this may start her down a path that could have unexpected results. If you don’t want to have kids and she suggests it I’d say run screaming into the night. Bathroom break? This is another film that has the sideways benefit having no moments be critical to the story. You can cut out at any point and be fine. However, if you feel like you want to retain the desire to continue urinating standing up you will miss as much of the “dudes” group scenes as possible.
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed reading this more than I did watching it, although honestly that wouldn’t take much. Nothing on deck for tomorrow or the next day. I’ll see what I can do for Friday but am going to Kublacon and might not be able to see much. Also on the 6th I am going to Italy for 11 days so I will not be reviewing anything for a while. Jason might still post some stuff. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have a comment about this movie or review feel free to post it here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Battleship Movie Review
F-Zero. You sank my movie script!
This is another one of those movies that I, as reviewer, find so annoying in that it doesn’t fail completely. There are elements of this film that are seaworthy, but rather than sinking to a massive gaping hole in the hull it goes down to a million billion small holes comprised of flat acting, lame story, over reliance on CGI, mediocre casting, and disconnection from reality issues.
Of course all these issues pale to insignificance compared to the major problem with this film: the whole premise is based on THE WORST SOURCE MATERIAL IN CINEMA HISTORY! Battleship? Really? The game I used to cheat at against my sister with the pegs and plastic ships? I might have bought a navel battle against aliens but this is just dumb. I consider it a bad sign when Hasbro starts this movie out with a dramatic Hasbro intro cut scene similar in tone (if not seriousness) to the Marvel and DC intros from their respective movies.
By the way, here are some of the other Hasbro projects that are in production or under consideration: Candy Land starring Adam Sandler (oh God!), Ouiji (actually Universal paid $5 million to get out of the embarrassment of being associated with this project. Good move IMO), Stretch Armstrong, another GI Joe, and worst of all another Tranformers. By the way, check out this trailer for the upcoming Chutes and Ladders movie. Epic.
Speaking of Transformers, you will definitely feel like you are being beaten with the Michel Bey stick while watching this film. Massive slow motion explosions, grey CGI robotic aliens, flat acting, one dimensional characters, dopey worthless sub plots, and a super hot blond girl as out of place in this movie as Al Pacino in a really horrible Sandler film (oh, wait. That happened). The typical Bey pattern is followed in the aliens being unstoppable killing machines at the beginning of the movie and dying to wet farts by the end.
The thing that bugged me the most about this film was how completely disconnected from the realities of the military, navel warfare, ship maintenance, and actual science it really is. So instead of my usual pattern I am going to give a very succinct plot summary followed by the things that bugged me the most. Here we go:
Taylor Kitsch (John Carter, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Friday Night Lights) plays Alex Hopper, a waste of humanity who joins the Navy to be with his brother after stealing a chicken burrito for a super hot girl (Brooklyn Decker-Just Go With It, Exposure: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit 2011, Spike TV VGA Game Awards). Apparently being a lazy unmotivated impulsive smart mouth who is hated by your commanding officer (Liam Neeson-The Grey, Phantom Menace, Taken) for dating his daughter (the burrito girl) is no inhibitor to your navel career as he managed to rise to the rank of Lieutenant in six years. He and his brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgård-Generation Kill, True Blood, Melencholia) are participating in navel maneuvers off Hawaii when aliens follow a signal sent out by NASA and start attacking. They seem to have a very specialized threat assessment process and are cool with an enemy ship nearby as long as it is not actually shooting at them. Explosive navel hijinks ensues. A semi-clever (there’s a fine line between clever and stupid) plot device is found to reference the actual game it was based on. Rihanna (the Hangover, Just Go With It, 21) apparently has every job on the ship including gunner, Marine, soccer player, and possibly ships cook. All forms of military decorum and chain of command are disregarded. The fate of the planet manages to boil down to a fist fight between an amputee and an alien wearing advanced power armor.
Let’s talk about the many, many breaks from reality that this movie suffers from. 
First of all, my good friend science (I Atom Science image courtesy of the Vintage T Shirt category). One of the alien ships crashes onto the planet (by the way, they have the technology to travel across light years to find a signal from earth but don’t have enough radar technology to avoid a satellite in orbit around the planet) and scientists determine that it is made of an element not found on Earth. I guess the writers (and everyone else associated with this film) was sick the day they did science in the 8th grade, so I will explain it to them. You see, a periodic table of elements lists each one by a number. That number is the number of protons (and neutrons) in said element. Therefore, if you have an atom with 46 protons in it you inevitably have Palladium regardless of what planet you are on. As the number increases the elements become increasingly heavy and unstable, making most of them only occur in lab experiments for a few moments. Furthermore, the Earth scientists were somehow able to figure this out in about five minutes in this movie.
Next, let’s talk about battleship maintenance and mothball museum ships. This movie seemed to think all you need to do is cut some chains and a ship that had not even fired up it’s engine in ten years would be sea worthy. Also that a ship that had been a museum for decades would have both fuel and live ammunition on board, or that a battleship could even operate with a crew of about 20.
It is laughable that anyone would think that a ship the size of the U.S.S. Missouri (45,000 tons) would come to a screeching halt when moving at flank speed and a single anchor is dropped, causing the ship to whip around it’s anchor point. At best the anchor should have torn up a bunch of sea bed, but the inertia generated is amazing.
As for military protocol, there is no way the commander of a ship would be running around with an assault rifle hunting for aliens when he has seamen who could do it for him. This was just dumb.
The list goes on and on. It’s almost like they purposefully said how dumb can we make this movie before the American public finally vomits it back out (based on box office receipts they blew past the limit on this one). Stuff like an interplanetary signal being visible in space, aliens who can only see stuff that is actually dangerous, senior officers brawling like barroom drunkards, and so on just hurt the whole thing. You see, science fiction movies start off with a serious break from reality, which essentially means in order to be taken seriously you have to try to remain true to reality as you possibly can. That’s why movies like Aliens or TV shows like Stargate SG1 work; they are dealing with unreality but they keep everything remotely human as real as possible.
Anyway, the stars. If you don’t care about reality or are just really, really, really ignorant and possibly dumb the movie can be fun. One star. I do like big navel ships. One star. Alien invasion films. One star. I’m going to award a star to this film for having the best excuse for alien invasion as of late in the form of none at all. Stealing all our water, power, or brains is just dumb. It’s OK for aliens to just be imperialistic jerks. Some of the action was kind of fun. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. Dumb, dumb, dumb premise. Two black holes. Insulting my intelligence by disregarding a ton of fairly basic science and military protocol. Three black holes. Must every alien invader have a weakness? One black hole. A bonus black hole for getting a floating museum and steaming it out to fight with about two hours of work (also I would like to note that they talk about the shells being 1,ooo pounds as they try to manhandle one down a long corridor. In fact they weighed 2,700 pounds. Also, it was established that the Missouri was the last Battleship decommissioned. Where the hell did they find 16 inch shells? Do we even make them any more?). One black hole. Aliens who are ultimate bad asses at the beginning turning into paper dolls by the end. One black hole. The fact that advanced aliens with interplanetary ships apparently are cool using trebuchet-like targeting systems on their ships. They don’t believe in any kind of guidance? One black hole. Crow barring in the game pegs into this movie. One black hole. Sub plots that made me wish movies had never been invented. One black hole. Having the fate of the planet come down to a fist fight. One black hole. Flat acting and one dimensional characters. One black hole. Total: thirteen black holes.
A grand total of eight black holes. Pretty miserable. Worth seeing? Maybe, if all you want is Transformers style action and a lot of explosions. It certainly is brainless fun, so if you can shut you brain down (or are just brainless to start) you might enjoy it. Date movie? Hell no. Not only will she not be interested but all the stupidity surrounding this movie will infect her perception of you. Bathroom break? I can honestly say that there is not a critical moment in this film that missing would cause you to lose something from the experience. Most of the most worthless footage seems to be in the first 30 minutes, but any of the scenes involving the girl, the handicapped vet, and the wimpy scientist are an excellent chance for you to use the restroom, check your email, smoke a cigarette, and possible leave the theater entirely to go home and take a little nap. God knows I wanted to.
Thanks for reading. What to Expect When You Are Expecting is later today, and believe me I am dreading it. I hope you all appreciated the sacrifices I make to keep you entertained. Follow me on Twiiter @Nerdkungfu. Post any comments on this movie here. If you have any questions or suggestions on other topics feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Big Wow Comic Fest
Just got back last night from Big Wow in San Jose and I have to say it was a blast. I thought I would do a post show report for any of you considering coming out next year.
First off, it was super crowded and busy, with a lot of cool guests and speakers. This might be due to the fact that Wonder Con moved to Anaheim this year (they are supposed to be back next year) or it could just be a great show that is growing on it’s own strength, but it was super crowded. Not Wonder or Comic Con style, but certainly busier than the Anaheim show.
The attendees: generally very cool. Sunday was dominated by families, with a ton of strollers and little super heroes. Saturday saw lots of teenage to young adults. One nice thing about the mid to smaller shows is I get more of a chance to talk to fans and find out what they are into (generally comic books).
What’s Hot: anything Avengers. I pretty much sold out of my Marvel Comic T Shirts. Batman was really big too, with the new movie coming out. I sold a surprisingly large amount of Flash shirts, but I think that has more to do with the Big Bang Theory than actual fans of the comic (Big Bang shirts did very well too).
What’s Not: zombie stuff seems to be dropping off. Still sells, but I think the saturation point has been reached. Same with Angry Birds shirts. Video games in general seem to have dropped off, although I did do well with Umbrella shirts from Resident Evil.
The Venue: San Jose Convention Center is no worse or better than any other decent hall. I will say the lack of carpet made for a lot of sore feet by the end of the day. Don’t we all love standing around on polished concrete all day?
Parking: excellent. Easy to get to and relatively cheap.
The Costumes: honestly I didn’t see a lot that really impressed me. The 501st was there looking sharp as usual, but nothing new that blew my socks off. Lots of goths.
The Girls: pretty impressive. Lots of cute girls, and the ratio seemed well weighted towards the distaff (in other words, 4 guys to every girl instead of the usual 7 to 1).
Show low point: finding out that the snack bar right outside the entrance didn’t open up until the exact moment the show started and I would have to be in my booth. I was forced to run down to the hotel coffee bar. I also found out that San Jose now forces everyone to charge $.10 for bags. As a friend of the environment I applaud that. As a consumer in a hurry I find it a little annoying.
Show high point: While walking in to the venue after jogging to the hotel coffee bar I heard someone in line say “Oh, NerdKungFu is here.” They must have recognized me, which makes me feel all happy inside.
This show also had me fall in love (or at least a very strong crush) with another movie star. The star in question is the lovely Maxine Wasa, who came by my booth on Saturday, berated me for not having her size in a shirt, and then came back the next day and bought two of them. I reciprocated by buying a very hot picture of her from her booth which she autographed for me. I really don’t do that sort of thing, but she had a spark that entranced me. She will be at Comic Con and I will go by her booth again. She’s had a couple cool roles and is something of a name in the horror scene. She just had a movie come out called No Strings 2. I will track it down and review it, even though it looks like it features a demonic puppet clown. A more freaky combination I can’t imagine.
One more cool thing that happened was a lady bought this Spider Man t shirt from me and then got a bunch of the artists at the show to sketch all over it. Very cool, and I think it looks sharp. I might have to start stocking more white t shirts for shows.
Anyway, I will see Battleship matinee today and if it as bad as it looks excrete my opinion all over it later tonight. Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or email questions or suggestions to [email protected]. Sorry for nothing over the weekend, but we were super busy. Talk to you soon. I have to go find a frame for a certain picture, if you know what I mean.
Dave
Sorry about no blog.
I was slammed all day getting ready for the Big Wow Comic Fest in San Jose. If you are coming be sure to stop by my booth and say hi. I will try to see Battleship tomorrow night but I don’t know.
I did have a weird moment today while unpacking this Thor shirt from the Marvel Comic t shirts. I suddenly realized I wanted to see the Avengers a second time. This is something I haven’t done since I started doing the movie reviews. I just want to see the Hulk again. I don’t have the time.
So look for a review tomorrow night, but I might not get it done. Thanks for your patience. Have a great night.
Dave
Dictator Movie Review
Pretty damned funny, but if you are easily offended or super patriotic you might want to give it a miss.
I am indeed a Sasha Baron Cohen fan. I find his style of humor, while cringe inducing, to be both clever and mind expanding. Borat and Bruno were both genius, and I laugh my ass off whenever I watch Da Ali G Show. (None of the Above image courtesy of the funny Political T Shirts category)
Dictator, the third in his series of one word title movies, contains much of the same humor but also represents a significant divergence from his norm in that instead of injecting one of his established characters into situations with Americans he is now working from a script. On the one hand this provides a nice framework upon which to craft a decent movie rather than trying to put it together in the editing room, but on the other hand it somewhat restricts his movement and also has the issue of allowing the situations to get so wild that they take away from the appealing reality of the situations.
By that I mean in Borat and Bruno Cohen was dealing with real Americans Alan Funt style and therefore had to present situations that, while extreme and ridiculous, were also within the realm of possibility. If things had gotten too weird or out there the people he was working with would have figured it out and not kept acting naturally. For me that “real possibility” is what worked and made it so funny. In this movie the few times he went really off the rails (the birthing scene, for example) of reality gave the film the taint of surreality, which did not work.
That being said, those moments were few and far between, book casing long swaths of brilliant and non PC comedy. Sasha Baron Cohen (Bruno, Borat, Da Ali G Show) plays Admiral General Aladeen, the brutal and eccentric dictator of Wadiya, an oil rich country in Northern Africa. His interest include sleeping with Western celebrities, gold plated Hummers, and executing anyone who bothers him even a little (there is a really funny montage of people he has sent off to death for things like finding the prize in his box of cereal). He is pushing his nuclear weapons program and is about to get sanctioned by the United Nations. He travels to NYC to address the UN but while there is kidnapped by a racist redneck. He escapes only to discover he has been supplanted by his double under the thumb of his Prime Minister Tamir (Sir Ben Kingsley-Ghandi, Sexy Beast, Hugo). He takes refuge with local granola girl Zoey (Anna Faris-What’s Your Number, Scary Movie, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs) who runs some kind of organic hippy store (let me say that for some reason I found her character here as the short haired, hairy hippy chick way more appealing than the fake seeming shallow blonde in What’s Your Number. Maybe it’s because I live in the Bay Area and meet more women like that). Some of the funniest scenes occur when Aladeen is telling her she is a boy and giving her grooming tips.
Anyway, he also hooks up with Nadal (Jason Mantzoukas-Baby Mama, I Hate Valentine’s Day, Please Give), his former head scientist whom he ordered executed for arguing with him about the shape of the nuclear missile. It turns out all the people he ordered killed were smuggled out of the country and now live in Little Wadiya. Nadal agrees to help him regain power. At that point if you have seen Coming to America and Trading Places you have seen the rest of the film. However, both of those movies are pretty good so I don’t think plumbing them for story points is a bad move. Comedic fish out of water stuff ensues. Some truly amazing comedy scenes happen, along with a few dead weights.
The stars. For the majority very funny. Two stars. Very non-PC and insulting to pretty much everyone. Two stars. The helicopter scene was some of the funniest stuff I have seen in years. One star. Sasha was typically brilliant. One star. All the supporting cast very well done, especially Jason Mantzoukas. I hope to see him in other stuff soon. One star. A really nice political message about the nature of a dictatorship towards the end had me laughing very hard. One star. The ending, which at first seemed to be ramping up to a dumb Disney-like happy ending, turned out to be well done and funny as well. One star. Overall a good movie. Two stars. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes. There were a couple scenes that felt really fake, not funny, and/or dragged on. One black hole. Some of the funniest lines from the trailers failed to make it into the actual film. One black hole. Some of the gross out humor was just not even necessary or well done. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of eight stars, a most excellent score. If you are a fan of humor or Sasha Baron Cohen then by all means see this film. Try to see it in a theater. Every dollar it gets means more chance of another great Cohen film soon. On the other hand, this is probably a terrible date movie. Gross humor, nasty sex, and just not the right style of film IMO. Your date might laugh and enjoy it, but she will most likely not be inclined to take off her clothes afterward if you know what I mean. Bathroom break? That’s easy. The scene where the woman gives birth. It’s five minutes of disgusting and disturbing humor just to deliver one joke. If you are looking for a second bathroom break the Aladeen masturbation scene definitely qualifies.
Thanks for reading. I have two movies in my sights for this weekend, Battleship and What to Expect When You Are Expecting. One looks like it is based on a really dumb concept, and the other is about ships. I kid, I kid. Seriously, they both look pretty suckstastic so let’s see who plays out. I’m also running a booth at the Big Wow Comicfest, a comic book convention in San Jose. If you are in the area stop by my booth and say hi. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu send an email if you have off topic questions or suggestions to [email protected]. Feel free to post here if you have a comment on this movie. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Girl in Progress Review
Migraine in progress.
Girl in Progress runs 93 minutes and believe me, you will feel each one of them, especially after it feel like the movie is over but then drags on for another fifteen minutes. It’s like passing 93 kidney stones. At first glance it looks like a chick flick but honestly I have a hard time believing this is the kind of film women want to see (of course, based on my dating life there is a lot about what women want that I don’t have a clue about, so maybe I’m wrong). It is completely contrived, manipulative, confused, and stuffed with artificial import.
All that being said, the writer took a semi-novel approach to dealing with all the teenage coming of age cliches. You see, I like to think of the writers and directors of a movie as the captains of a mighty ocean liner navigating a cold and unforgiving sea. In this analogy I liken cliches to giant icebergs (or perhaps sea monsters). A competent captain will steer around these icebergs to avoid disaster, whereas an incompetent one will blunder into several, threatening the integrity of of the ship. What the captain of the R.M.S. Girl in Progress did was point the bow of the ship directly at the nearest one and then bounce between them all like a pinball inside a group of bumpers. (Titanic image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
This was a direct and purposeful move. The teen age girl decides she needs to experience a classic coming of age story and then scripts out a series of events based on research into the genre. She lays it out in a detailed plan including failing to live up to her potential, disappointing her teachers, dumping her nerdy best friend, and culminating in losing her virginity to a callous womanizer. Unfortunately, instead of using the cliches as a tool to rise above the medium the story gets mired in them, stuck in the mud and slowly sinking. Furthermore, the creepiness factor, starting out at about a 7, shoots up to 11 when we get to the deflowering stage. In a graphic example of miscasting the girl, who looks barely fifteen through most of the film, is about to hook up with a guy who looks like he should have already dropped out of college and been working at Trader Joes for three years while living in the Mission.
The other interesting thing about this film is it is rare that I can say I hated every character in a film, but in this one I did. It was like a contest to see who could be the least appealing character on the planet. The teenage girl Ana (Cierra Ramirez-All In, Wish Gone Amis, Star and Stella Save the World) was overly precocious and so artificial (her character, not Cierra herself. I thought she did a decent job) I kept looking for an off switch on the back of her neck; her mother Grace (Eva Mendes-Fast Five, We Own the Night, the Other Guys) was a cartoonish caricature of both a struggling single mom and neglectful parent; Grace’s love interest Dr. Hartford (Oh, God Matthew Modine. What happened to you? Remember when you were cool and played Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket?) was a conniving, cheating manipulative bastard; Grace’s boss Emile (Russell Peters-New Years Eve, Source Code, the Legend of Awesome Maximus) was a greasy abusive boss; Ana’s deflowering target (Richard Harmon-Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, Judas Kiss, Trick r’ Treat) was a sleazy hipster loser; and Grace’s other sort of love interest Mission Impossible (Eugenio Derbez-Jack and Jill, Rob) looked, sounded, and acted like the local serial killer. If it was a contest I can’t accurately tell you who won but I can certainly tell you who lost: the audience.
I feel spent already and I haven’t even gotten into the story. It is of young Ana and her mother Grace. Grace blatantly ignores her daughter, who is feeling it. In an English class Ana learns what a coming of age story is and decides to experience one in order to escape her childhood sooner. She embarks on a mission that has “desperate cry for help” written all over it which everyone manages to miss. Meanwhile her mother is sleeping with the married least appealing man in movie history while holding down two jobs. Ana purposefully does increasingly bad behavior and plans to lose her virginity to the school creep. She dumps her best friend in order to hang out with the school bad girl (I say girl because that was her roll, but in another example of bad casting she looked ten years older. Brenna O’Brian-X-men Last Stand, Beneath, Charlie St. Cloud), steals money, lies to get alcohol, and basically strives to ruin her life as efficiently as possible. Coming of age cliche crap ensues. The ending manages to avoid actually having an ending.
The stars. I will say that both Cierra Ramirez and Eve Mendes did the best they could have done with the limited and artifical roles they were handed. Acting overall wasn’t bad. One star. Eve Mendes was super, duper, uber hot in this film and had the right outfits to illustrate the point. One star. There were a couple scenes that didn’t totally suck, including the opening one. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Complete failure to give me a character I at all found appealing. Two black holes. The movie was massively confused. Was it a drama? A comedy? A tragedy? A coming of age film? Two black holes. A big chunk of this film was creepy x100. One black hole. The entire premise of the film felt contrived. One black hole. Mistaking the cliche bull for the cliche cow and trying to milk it for the entirety of the film. Two black holes. The ending came out of left field and resolved next to nothing. One black hole. Casting that looked like they didn’t even try to get kids of approximately the same age. One black hole. Total: ten black holes.
A grand total of seven black holes. Gah. I’d like to give this film an A for effort, but really can only give it more than about a B-. The director (Patricia Riggen-Lemonade Mouth, Under the Same Moon, The Cornfield) did try to do something different and I’ll give her credit for that. Should you see it? Probably not. Date movie? Only if she suggests it. However, if you do see it as a date movie I can say there isn’t a single appealing or sexy male in this film. It won’t be hard to shine in comparison, unless you are a registered sex offender and/or missing most of your face. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere in this film, but if I were pressed for a moment I would say any of the scenes involving the English teacher (Patricia Arquette-Stigmata, True Romance, Ed Wood). She is cast as some kind of Yoda-like spiritual guide but most of her messages are pretty prosaic and her exposition generally redundant.
Thanks for reading. Dictator coming out tomorrow so I will try to see that, although Wednesday is also my normal movie night at my friends house. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or post comments about this film here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
P.S. Want to hear something weird? I just looked up Patricia Riggen, the director of this film, on IMDB and have to say I find her strangely attractive. She has that nerdy intellectual look I really like. Of course, after having just dumped all over her movie if I were to meet up with her she would probably set fire to my car, most likely with me tied up in the trunk. Not a lot of chance for romance there. However, I think you, my beloved readers, might use this fact to appreciate the integrity if my reviews. Normally when I find a woman attractive I try to find the positive in everything she does (“Wow, you blow your nose in such a demure and ladylike manner. I’ve never seen such clarity in mucus before!”). Have a good night.
The great Star Wars versus Star Trek debate.
I recently came across a list of the 10 greatest geek debates and this one was number one (oddly enough, the whole Kirk/Picard debate didn’t make the list, although the Joel/Mike one (MST3K) did. I’m a Joel guy) and since I am a loss to do anything else today I thought I would chime in.
The fact is I am a fan of both and prior to 2002 would have said comparing the two is like comparing apples and oranges. Star Wars was a swashbuckling space opera of a story with roots well grounding in classic mythology and heroes, whereas Star Trek was a epic exploration of both the universe and the positive aspects of character interaction and teamwork. When I was in the mood to see cool aliens, guns, and awesome costumes I would watch Star Wars and when I was in the mood for more intellectual pursuits, with complicated stories and character development I would watch Star Trek. Sure, the swimming pool of Star Wars had been tainted by the giant turd known as the Phantom Menace, but I think every franchise is allowed one or two big blunders. Star Trek is no exception. Just look at the Motion Picture, most of TOS Season 3, Wesley Crusher, and Enterprise.
Things changed badly in 2002. Attack of the Clones was released, and with that note I knew that one of my greatest childhood memories (seriously, I have more positive memories of Star Wars than all my birthdays put together) had been fatally betrayed in the interest of money and bad movie making. Lucas had pulled his franchise out of a comfortable retirement, euthanized it, and stuffed its corpse full of gears and mice on wheels to create an animatronic Frankenstein monster which he then milked dry. At that point my needle shifted heartily towards my other warm childhood refuge, Star Trek.
That safe zone was not to be long lived, however, Six months later Star Trek Nemesis came out and at that point I realized that Trek and Wars were doing some kind of weird role reversal. Instead of being a decent story and character study that had been the staple of the Star Trek story lines we had a badly done space opera action adventure very much like a mutant clone of one of the first Star Wars. Meanwhile Lucas was having long, boring political debates and overly complicated assassination plots in Star Wars.
Basically the two movies had switched roles, and in both cases done it badly. The needle shifted back towards Star Wars but stopped about halfway. Since then my focus shifts based on who had the most recent movie come out. The weird thing is it tends to shift away from the movie in question. Revenge of the Sith got me firmly back into the Star Trek zone, but then the Star Trek reboot (even seeing those three words together makes me want to punch someone) shifted things back to neutral.
Bottom line is, after 35 years of debate and debasement of two of the most brilliant franchises in entertainment history, thanks to incompetent bungling by guys who should have had a better grasp of the material I still can’t decide which is the better of the two. However, instead of comparing apples to oranges the two series have mixed together to form a murky, muddy composite whose sum is less than the value of the two separate parts. Yes I am bitter.
The Nemesis image comes to us from the Star Trek T Shirt category.
Thanks for reading. I actively request comments on this subject, so if you have an opinion by all means chime in here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected] or follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. I am seeing a bad chick flick tomorrow night so look forward to a funny review Wednesday. Not sure what I will write tomorrow. Have a great day.
Dave
The Pirates! Band of Misfits in 3D Review
Certainly better than Pirates of the Caribbean: on Stranger Tides.
Of course, whenever I hear Misfits in the same sentence as band I am going to assume you are talking about the Misfits, one of the greatest punk/horror/pop bands ever. Naturally no songs by the Misfits were in this very family friendly film, although I did catch London Calling by the Clash. In fact I also heard I Fought the Law by the Clash in the trailer for Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted that they played before this film, so I guess it can be said that the Clash have officially sold out. Sad really, and in both cases the songs were as out of place and disconcerting as finding hard core pornography in a grade school child’s book bag. (Misfits image courtesy of the Vintage T Shirts).
So I am a big fan of Wallace and Gromit, and therefore this style of animation really works for me. A lot of the humor styling carried over as well, and in general the movie was really fun and enjoyable. However, I think in the effort to ride the fence between being fun for kids and entertaining for adults this film kind of failed to really succeed at either. Not bad. Just not as awesome as I think it could have been.
As is my policy for kids movies I will not do the full on stars/black holes review but rather just talk about the overall feeling for the film. I generally base my kids reviews on how the kids in the audience were reacting, and for the most part they seemed to be enjoying themselves but not going bat**** nuts like I have seen for other kids movies. I think a lot of the humor went over their heads, and some of the action might have been a little intimidating for them.
The story is of a band of pirates, led by an intrepid sailor with the fortuitous name of the Pirate Captain (was he named Pirate Captain at birth, or was he like Pirate Sailor? There is a guy in my building down the hall who calls himself Pirate, but I am pretty sure that is a nick name of some kind). The funniest part of the entire movie was the individual pirates and the names they were given, like Surprisingly Curvacious Pirate and Pirate who likes Sunsets and Kittens. Each one had a distinct personality that meshed well together. However, I think this was exactly the sort of thing that missed the kids entirely. Anyway, they are kind of down on their luck with a decrepit boat and a less than stellar reputation, but the Pirate Captain opts to enter the Pirate of the Year contest. He is faced with three other captains, all more competent and successful than he.
The crew sets off to capture booty and runs into a string of ships with next to nothing on it. Eventually they capture Charles Darwin, who convinces them to head off to London for Scientist of the Year. There they meet Queen Victoria, who has an absolute hatred of pirates for fairly unclear reasons. Piratical hijinks ensue. Queen Victoria is painted in a fairly negative light (not really into the UK market I guess, although how mad would we be if someone did a movie that showed Abe Lincoln in a comical light?).
Overall, a fun, enjoyable movie. The only issue really is the compromise they tried to strike between kiddy and adult. However, if you are looking for something to kill 88 minutes with your kids you will probably not regret seeing this. The kids will be entertained, and you will not be bored. The characters were fun, and the animation good. Even the 3D actually added to the film, although I have long held that the best 3D comes from animated movies. It just translates better.
Thanks for reading. Sorry about the short review, but really not a lot to sink my teeth into here. This week I think it likely you will see me dive into another George Lucas rant at least once, so if you are into that keep checking back. I also had fun writing up those cartoon questions yesterday and might hit it again. Tuesday I will probably go see Girl in Progress, but am kind of dreading it. It looks like kind of movie that will make me wish I had spent the two hours trapped in a collapsed coal mine. However, those generally make for funny reviews so you, my beloved readers, have that to look forward to. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to post any comments about this movie here, or if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Stupid Cartoon Questions
Sorry no movie today. I spent all day at our new office/warehouse and am totally beat. However, while sorting and folding a huge pile of cartoon t shirts like our friend Marvin the Martian here a bunch of the questions that have been cluttering up my cerebral cortex regarding cartoons popped up. I thought I would post them here in case any of you have any kind of insight. Here are a few of the most poignant.
Road Runner-this question seems pretty obvious, but it is perplexing: if Wile E Coyote could afford to order all those thing from Acme, couldn’t he just as easily afford to order a pizza or something? Same thing with Sylvester and Tweetie. They seem to live in an urban enviroment. You mean to tell me there is not Church’s or Chick Fil A within a reasonable distance? You would think after the fourth or fifth frying pan to the face Sylvester would have gotten the message.
Duck Tales-Why does Scrooge McDuck keep all his money in a giant money bin as a target for the Beagle Boys? If he is smart enough to earn all that money why isn’t he smart enough to figure out how to put his money in a bank? Not only would it be safer (and earn interest), it would be federally insured and if the Beagle Boys tried to rob it that would be a Federal Offense. That is a level of pain beyond the pale. Sure, he would not be able to go swimming in his money, but given that 99% of his stress is related to getting robbed wouldn’t that be worth it? For that matter how the hell does he swim in all that money? I’ve never had enough coins and bills to fill even a bath tub, but I have a Sparklets jug half full of loose change and I can say that if I dove head first into it I would probably break my neck.
Speed Buggy-if Tinker is smart enough to make a dune buggy that can think, fall in love, and control itself, isn’t he smart enough to create one without a major speech impediment?
Scooby Doo-the list of questions I have on this show would fill a library (most of them having to do with what exactly is in those Scooby Snacks?) but the one that bugs me the most is why is it the gang always finds someone trying to scare everyone away with a ghost pirate costume in order to smuggle diamonds, and never guys smuggling drugs across the border who scare meddling kids off with bullets? Also, shouldn’t the gang be roped into weeks if not months of testimony at the trial of every crook they catch, not bouncing off to their next adventure? For that matter what the hell do they do for money? There always seems to be pizza money. There is a dark part of my soul that secretly hopes the gang is into the sex trade and the Mystery Machine is some kind of rolling pimp wagon.
Winnie the Pooh-yes, I am recycling this one from my movie review, but it is still bugging me. Where is Roo’s father? Is Kanga a widow, or is her husband a deadbeat? Maybe he was abusive and she escaped to the 100 Acres Woods to hide out from him. Also, of you are a kangaroo why would your mom name you Kanga and you then in turn name your son Roo? That’s like if my name was Hu and I named my son Man. Everyone else has a fairly normal name.
I think that’s enough Zen conundrums for one evening. Odds are I will return to this on another slow night, as I have a ton of these. If you have any answers feel free to message me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or post a comment here. If you have specific questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. I will be finally seeing Pirates tomorrow so look for a review on that later. Thanks for reading. Talk to you later.
Dave
