Dark Shadows Review
Q: How much Johnny Depp/Tim Burton schtick can they stuff into 113 minutes? A: A lot.
Last night when I told my friends I was going to see Dark Shadows at midnight they made me promise to watch 30 minutes of the original series. I did so (thanks iPhone) and understand what they were trying to get me to see. The soap opera Dark Shadows was campy and kind of dumb, but what it wasn’t was a schticky comedy.
If a movie were a car than Johnny Depp would be a powerful V8 engine pumping out more horsepower than a rodeo on speed. However, this particular car, while pretty with a nice glossy coat of paint, seems grossly underdeveloped in the wheels, seats, windows, and other accoutrements that make a comfortable automobile. The entire movie serves only as a vehicle to deliver Johnny Depps performance and baroque 17th century mannerisms. His character is a schizophrenic two dimensional dry humor joke machine; everyone else is a one dimensional sounding board from which to bounce one liners off of; the script wanders aimlessly from plot point to plot point without really locking onto anything (and it’s kind of boring); the humor seems at the same time highly predictable and out of place; and the ending they dredged up from the deep bowels of the writers…well, bowel.
All that being said, if you are a Johnny Depp fan you will probably enjoy his performance immensely. He managed to make the scenes cool and funny (he also manages to not sing at any point, a fact that made me very happy). However, his fish-out-of-water jokes wore thin after about 50 minutes and he was not enough to keep the entire movie alive solo.
I think this was a serious mistake on the part of Tim Burton (and it pains me to say this). Sure, Depp is an amazing actor and can deliver a stellar performance in his sleep, but the cast of this film was chock full of talented people. Michelle Pfeiffer plays the matron of the family, and while it is easy to hate her for her part in Batman Returns you still have to like her for Scarface. Of course she also did New Years Eve so I don’t know. Psycho witch Helen Bonham Carter (Fight Club, the King’s Speech, Sweeney Todd) plays the psychiatrist. The extremely hot Eva Green (Casino Royale, the Dreamers, Perfect Sense) plays the evil witch who cursed Barnabus. Bella Heahcoate (In Time, Glen Owens Dodds, Beneath Hill 60) plays the nanny. For Carolyn they even got Chloë Grace Moretz (Kick Ass, Hugo, Let Me In) who is a great young actress. Seems like any one of them could have added something to the story had they been allowed.
Anyway, the story. Barnabus Collinis rejects his maid Angelique. She kills his parents and fiance, cursing him to be a vampire (live forever with super speed and strength? I think the writers need to buy a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word “curse”) and gets the local townsfolk to form a torch-and-pitchfork mob to bury him in a coffin. Flash forward 196 years where a construction crew digs up his coffin and in a really stupid move opens it up (sorry, if I found a coffin shaped box with massive chains around it the first thing I would not do is call for bolt cutters. Maybe a power drill, along with a bible and a Super Soaker full of holy water). Barabus jumps out and slaughters 11 innocent construction workers, a fact that does not even rate more than passing mention from the local police or news media. These sorts of thing happen all the time in Maine I guess.
Anyway, he rejoins his family now consisting of his great great grand something (? Seriously, how was he related to these losers? His family moved here from Liverpool when he was a child. His parents died. He was an only child and never had kids), her brother, her daughter, and her nephew who live in the huge super creepy mansion his father built. He discovers that they are barely holding on and the family business is in shambles. Turns out Angelique, the witch who “cursed” him, has spent the last 200 years working to destroy his family financially (? She really had nothing better to do? Spend centuries stalking people who never even knew the guy who rejected you?).
Barnabus spends the next 80 minutes or so beating the fish-out-of-water jokes deep into the ground. He dedicates himself to restoring the family home and business and does so with remarkable ease. Along the way he slaughters a bunch more people.
Let me go on an aside here briefly and talk about one of the most disturbing things about the Barnabus Collins character. The fact is, most of the movie he was funny, witty, and charming and then every once in a while would kill a bunch of completely innocent people. It’s like if you bred a dog with a porcupine (dorkupine?) that you could totally pet and be cool with except every once in a while you would hit a patch of spines and get a fistful of them in the palm of your hand. I found it really distracting and every time he would do it my sympathy for him and my appreciation of the humor would drain from the film like spaghetti in a colander. I found it especially gruesome when he would apologize to his victim before draining them dry. (Buffy Staked Edward image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category)
Anyway, as the story plods along and you get less enthralled with Barnabus the movie gets more and more boring. The ending was hamhanded and chock full of deus ex machina. Stuff that possibly should have been hinted at or developed in the first 1/3rd of the film crops out of nowhere and solves problems with little to no effort on Barnabus’s part.
The stars. Johnny Depp was pretty amazing as Barnabus Collins. Two stars. Dialog for the most part was excellent. One star. Eva Green was driving me crazy through most of this. One star. Even though they didn’t get to show their talents much, I will give a star for Helen Bonham Carter and Chloë Moretz. One star. Costumes and visuals were generally very good. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. The script felt really unfocused and lethargic. Kind of like they tried to take an entire season of a soap opera and compress it into one movie. One black hole. Burton should have realized that after a while the audience would reach its saturation point on fish-out-of-water jokes. One black hole. Johnny Depp so eclipsed everyone else that no other performances were even possible, and all the other characters were left to wither on the vine. One black hole. The repeated shifting in tone for the main character from lighthearted witty fellow to murderer. One black hole. The Alice Cooper scene went on way too long. One black hole. The whole movie shifted gears in the last 20 minutes from horror/comedy to horror/tragedy. Overall the ending sucked. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of one black hole. Not great, but not irredeemable. If you happen to be a big Johnny Depp or Tim Burton you might enjoy it, and if you think they make magic together then definitely. Nothing visually that demands a theater, so wait to stream it. Date movie? Meh. She won’t find much offensive. On the other hand Johnny Depp with an accent is really hard to be compared to, so maybe give it a pass. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but if I had to pick the two scenes that stand out are the Alice Cooper musical tribute or the Barnabus/Angelique sex scene. In both cases the movie diverges from the only redeeming thing in the film-Johnny Depp delivering good dialog-and trust me when I say you will not see anything memorable.
Thanks for reading. I don’t know if I will get to see anything else this weekend. Maybe Pirates. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or post comments here. If you have specific questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a nice day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
13 Assassins
My friend showed this last night at movie night and as I expected, it was awesome. I am not going to do an actual review for it as the movie has been out for a while and also, since it was so awesome, it would just be 800 words of me gushing on about how great martial arts movies are. If you don’t like Martial Arts movies that I am sure you will enjoy a nice quiet evening in with Teddy Ruxpin.
By the way, for an image I was all set to pull one of the Martial Arts or Bruce Lee shirts, but then came across this gem from the Funny T Shirt category and once I stopped laughing decided I had to roll with it.
Anyway, the first thing I want to talk about from 13 Assassins is the cultural differences in the aesthetics of death. In Western movies deaths of characters are really formulaic. Either they are bad guys who fall over nicely dead after one punch or bullet, or they are heroes who die relatively peacefully after imparting some sage last words to the other characters. What you do not ever see in Western films is characters crawling through the mud, writhing in agony as their disemboweled guts spill out. You don’t see bad guys crawling along the floor or begging for their lives as they try to get away from the “good” guys (unless it’s Kill Bill). However, 13 Assassins showed all that and did so with more blood than you will ever see in a Hollywood film. I don’t know if it’s actors in Hollywood demanding that their faces be seen cleanly and relatively pristinely (aside from the occasional artistic smear of grease or dirt) or if this is something that Hollywood producers think the American audiences needs for our soft brains, but in this film every character has enough blood, mud and guts on their face to fill a biohazard bag of medical waste. It’s like they were all wrestling chainsaw juggling bear/porcupine hybrids (borcupine?).
The second thing I noticed from a film production point of view was the difference in action segmentation from Western to Eastern films. What do I mean by that? Basically in Western films even long, extended action sequences are punctuated by moments of relative calm wherein the heroes collect their breath, express feeling for each other, or just stand looking around a bit while the camera pulls back to pan around the amazingly wrecked set they have produced. Again, I think these are more evidence of producers having no respect for American audiences and feeling like we need a break in order to collect our breath and prepare for the next action barrage. Some movie producers go so far as the interject the action with a more mundane or slower sequence (defusing the bomb, trying to save the life of an injured person, etc) or simply mash multiple action scenes together into a horrible murky soup (cough cough Lucas cough cough).
In this film once the final action starts it is 55 minutes of swords and blood. Every time the good guys kill off all the bad guys in sight instead of a break they get…more bad guys. Instead of blasts of action it’s like trying to move forward while someone shoots a fire hose into your chest, but in a good way. I don’t know if this style will catch on here as it is entirely possible the American movie producers are right and Western audiences actually do need short breaks between action in order to properly process our emotions, but I found it fun and interesting.
Finally, and this point will seem very obvious to anyone who has studied feudal Japan and the Samurai culture, but it was interesting to see the nature of duty explored from the Japanese perspective. There was no debate or discussion of what everyone’s duty was. Each character had an absolutely clear, black-and-white job to do and never had to debate or hesitate. Even the few times it came up it was almost an insult to even discuss it. Very cool in my opinion.
Anyway, the movie rocks. If you enjoy Martial Arts films or Kurosawa than this is a must see. Watch it sub titled as a lot of the emotions behind the action is transmitted via voice and tone. I don’t think dubbed would do this film credit.
Thanks for reading. I’ll see a midnight movie tonight (Dark Shadows, I think) and review it tomorrow morning. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or post a comment here if you have seen this movie and would like to make a point. If you have suggestions or specific questions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
I am Number 7
I know. I promised to see a movie last night and write it up this morning. I got really into working and didn’t get to see anything. I apologize. I will try to see a midnight showing of something Thursday and write it up Friday morning. Probably Dark Shadows.
However, I learned something cool today and felt like bragging a little. After this weekend’s performance at SAWS Warhammer GT where I placed 5th overall (honestly, I got ripped off for first but that is neither here nor there) I am now ranked 7th nationwide according to Rankings HQ and am now the number 1 Daemons of Chaos player. Kudos to me. If any of you ladies are at all impressed or (more importantly) know what the hell I am talking about by all means please contact me.
Props also to my good friend Mike who is now Numero Uno. Well done, sir.
(Game Over image from Dragon’s Lair courtesy of the Video Game T Shirt category)
That’s it. Sorry I don’t have more to write, but I am slammed today and have to go buy some new socks. I am seeing 13 Assassins tonight at a friends house and will probably wax poetic about my love of martial arts movies tomorrow morning. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or send me an email with questions or suggestions to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The reason why the Wrath of Khan is the best of the Star Trek movies.
J.J. Abrams I can only hope you one day read this.
I need to thank my friend Dave for suggesting this theory and helping me flesh it out. You will have to search long and hard to find a guy with more nerd credibility. Anyway, he and I have been discussing Star Trek for years and are both of the opinion that the most recent Star Trek, while definitely more polished, is still not as good as TWOK. Yes, I know. It has better special effects, casting, and arguably acting. It’s just not as good a story (also they made the bridge look like a giant Apple store, a move that I think will prove to be a lot less timeless than they might think, especially in a couple years when Apple opts to redecorate all their stores). All the other movies do not even bear considering in the same discussion. What is it, then, that makes Khan so much better than everything else?
It all boils down to scope. You see, almost all the other movies some how have the fate of the Earth or the universe in the balance. In Star Trek it’s vengeful Romulans from the future dropping black holes onto planets. In Nemesis it’s Picard’s clone bent on the destruction of the Federation. Out of the basics of human decency I won’t mention anything about Insurrection, but First Contact was about the Borg trying to go back in time and wrecking humanity. Generations was about Malcolm McDowell destroying an entire planet and civilization to live in the ultimate virtual reality. Undiscovered Country was about a conspiracy to cause a massive war between the Federation and the Klingon Empire. The Final Frontier had something about discovering God(?). The Voyage Home was about whales destroying Earth. The Search for Spock was of less galactic import, but the religious overtones (Spock as Jesus, etc) kind of expanded the scope of the film. Even The Motion Picture had V’ger hell bent on wrecking the universe.
The Wrath of Khan, however, was the story of a personal vendetta against Kirk and his crew and their desperate struggle to survive against massive odds. This sounds decidedly unimpressive until you remember that something like 99% of the greatest episodes from any of the five TV shows were about the captain and crew in a desperate struggle to survive against massive odds. Very rarely did they have to save the entirety of the Federation or humanity and even when they did it was as part of a larger effort (Errand of Mercy, for example). Sure you could argue that the Doomsday Machine would have eventually reached Earth or the failure to stop the Romulan Bird of Prey in Balance of Terror would have plunged the galaxy into war, but it was never a matter of stopping a dumb rocket with seconds to spare from wrecking a planet.
The fact is, Star Trek has always been less about the story and more about the characters, which is why thousands of people go to conventions every year and dress as the one they most identify with. When the story is about a giant planet of people you never see and can’t really care that much about you don’t get invested in the outcome. All the Romulan black holes in the universe dropped on any number of populated planets can’t compare to watching Spock stick his face in a radioactive warp drive in order to save the lives of his friends and crew. It just has more impact. Furthermore, the animosity the villain displays gets spread too thin when directed at the universe in general, or even more than a few people. If you were to take all the hatred and bile from all the assorted villains from all the movies it wouldn’t compare to one minute of the intensity that Khan displayed whenever interacting with Kirk. His laser like focus just burned hotter.
It’s not just Star Trek. I can name any number of other good examples of movies that rule when it is personal and tend to suck when the hatred gets shared around. Die Hard is a perfect one. The first movie had John McClane fighting to save his life and the lives of a few hostages (most importantly his wife) but the second had him running around an airport trying to save hundreds of people flying in the sky above. The best of the Star Wars movies, The Empire Strikes Back, was a personal journey for each of the characters in a dangerous universe while the Return of the Jedi was the struggle of the Rebellion against the Empire. Speed 2, Matrix Revolutions, Predator 2, Mad Max Beyond Thuderdome; in almost all cases the films lost focus on the characters the audiences cared about and expanded them into something bigger and so ridiculous that we kind of lost interest to an extent.
The fact is more is not always more. What does this mean for the Star Trek franchise? Not much, unless Abrams or one of the writers happens to be reading this. If that is so, then please consider the fact that the Enterprise doesn’t always have to save the universe from yet another ridiculous form of impending doom. Sometimes it’s OK to show them struggling to save their own asses and see how they interact in the face of almost certain death. Maybe it’s space pirates who want to steal the Enterprise’s warp core. Perhaps Spock’s family is involved in some kind of personal feud against another family (Vulcan Hatfields and McCoys) and the Enterprise gets sucked in. Also, just because someone has s personal vendetta against someone in the crew does not mean he or she has to also want to destroy the universe. Back off, lighten up, and repeat the mantra “less is more”.
TWOK image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category, by the way.
Thanks for reading. I hope at least some of you agree with me, but if not feel free to comment here. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a specific question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. I will try to see something tonight and write a review for it tomorrow morning. Have a great day.
Dave
Safe Movie Review
I think it’s safe to say that Jason Stratham has found the movie vehicle that works for him; a decrepit, hole filled weak story that only serves as the delivery system for a series of really good driving, shooting, and martial arts action. It’s like taking a luxury passenger train and filling all the cars with fine food, quality entertainment, and the most interesting people on the planet and then hitching it to a three legged arthritic donkey instead of a locomotive. If you are looking for a story that goes somewhere and does something that doesn’t damage your brain you should probably have taken the express. On the other hand, if all you want to do is party in the back with all the explosions, car wrecks, and massive gun battles than look no further than this film.
I honestly don’t know where else to go with this review. It looks like the producers set out to make a decent action film and more or less accomplished that goal. As far as the story goes, it is pretty much Max Payne meets Terminator 2 with an 11 year old girl in place of young John Carter. There is a smattering of Hard Boiled and Generic Russian Mafia Movie A as well. Jason Stratham (Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, Killer Elite, the Expendables) plays Luke Wright, an ex cage fighter who failed to go down in a fight correctly and is now hated by the Russian mafia. His whole back story is explained to us in what I am going to call “flashback shotgun” style. In other words a massive cluster of flashbacks are loaded into a gun and shot against the wall in hopes that some of them would hit the target. For some inexplicable reason the gangsters opt to not kill him when they had the chance, leaving a dangerous man with awesome combat skills and nothing to lose. No danger of that going badly. Their plan is to somehow torture him by killing anyone he talks to for more than one sentence, starting with his wife. Anyway, we get another blast in the face with the flashback shotgun as we are introduced to Mei (Catherine Chan-Aftershock) an 11 year old girl from China who speaks flawless English and can memorize any numbers.
For some other weird reason the Chinese gangsters Mei has been drafted into working for think the best way to do a deal for some money is to create a code for a safe combination and have Mei memorize it. Did I mention that the story was stupid? They never heard of a several pieces of paper, or maybe just calling the person they are doing the deal with and telling the the safe combination via telephone? When you see the film you will see how amazingly needlessly complicated Mei’s involvement in the whole deal really is. The really convoluted and poorly explained deal goes badly and Mei barely escapes with her life.
At that point Luke rescues her and the action really kicks off. Naturally he has some kind of mysterious past and in spite of being a homeless bum is also some kind of unstoppable killing machine. Turns out he could have killed the Russians any time he wanted to but was looking for an excuse more meaningful than the death of his wife and the ruination of his life. He was also on the NYC police force but was kicked off for blowing the whistle on some corrupt cops.
So the girl is being chased by the Chinese mafia, the Russian mafia, and the corrupt police who all want her either alive or dead(?). At that point I really started scratching my head. It seems writer/director Boaz Yakin (Prince of Persia, Remember the Titans, Fresh) believes that cops in New York are corrupt enough to be party to the murder of an 11 year old girl. The action gets hot as the plot gets more convoluted and stupid. The cops are tricked into going on a raid of the Chinese casino (sans warrant) or something. Is asking for some semblance of sense in a movie really that much?
So, the stars. The action was in fact really good. Jason kicks, punches, shoots, and runs down a massive legion of bad guys in very cool and exciting ways. Three stars. As formulaic as he is, I actually really like the standard Stratham character. One star. The character Mei was pretty cool too. One star. All the villains were extremely well cast and portrayed as bad men. 
I especially enjoyed James Hong (Big Trouble in Little China, Hero, Kung Fu Panda. Pork Chop Express image courtesy of the Movie T Shirts) as the leader of the Chinese mafia. One star. I’m actually torn on this next one as I think it could be either a star or a black hole, but the fact is the film did not crowbar in a hot girl to be the dumb romance sub plot. I think I will give them a star for not insulting my intelligence. One star. Generally a fun movie. One star. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. If flashbacks were fortified wine, this movie contains enough to kill all the homeless people on Haight Street. One black hole. Dumb, overly complicated plot that didn’t make much sense and was riddle with plot holes. Two black holes. I’ll give one to this film in support of the NYC Police and my belief that for the most part they are not corrupt. One black hole. The guy playing the ultimate bad guy must have been in rehab or something for most of the shooting as he more or less surfaces out of no where in the last 20 minutes of the film. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A total of three stars. Not bad, not great. Like I said before, if you are looking for action and don’t want to engage your fore brain much this film will do you. Date movie? Not really. A lot of rated R violence plus no romance will spoil it for the average girl. Also, Jason Stratham manages to get his shirt off within the first five minutes and unless you have been hitting the gym lately you will suffer in comparison. Bathroom break? I’d say about the time Luke and Mei check into the hotel so Luke can shower and not shave. Just a lot of reexplaining what just happened or being told stuff that becomes obvious later. Don’t take your time however as things heat up pretty good shortly.
I’d also like it noted that my observation from Killer Elite that Jason Stratham must have a five o’clock shadow written into his film contracts holds true in this one. He never shaves nor does he seem to grow any shaggier in spite of what looks like months of elapsed time.
Thanks for reading. I’ll see something else tomorrow night I think. My friend is showing 13 Assassins on Wednesday night so I might write something about that. I know it’s late but I really want to see it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or send me an email to [email protected] if you have specific questions or suggestions. Feel free to comment here if you have thoughts on this movie or review. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Marvel the Avengers in 3D review
As good as I expected, but not a whole lot more than that.
The Avengers is not about surprising the audience with something truly exceptional or unexpected. It does exactly what it sets out to do: deliver a fun, exciting comic book movie with all the elements fans are looking for. The dialog is witty and funny, the action cool and exciting, the heroes all (for the most part) have their own motivation and angst, and the villain despicable yet sympathetic. I will say it was a lot of fun and well worth your time to see in a theater.
Of course, it wouldn’t be one of my reviews if I didn’t find something to nit pick, and this film does have its issues. The first one was the overuse of characters I don’t really give a damn about, specifically Hawkeye and Black Widow. Had they had their own origin movie I might have cared more, but every minute spent on them was time taken away from Iron Man, Thor, Capt. American, or the Hulk. It was like drinking a delicious milkshake from a straw that periodically switches over to unflavored yogurt. Not necessarily bad, but just not really what you want to be drinking. Kind of bland. Also, they really felt lost and out of place without more back story.
Another issue I had was specifically with Black Widow. If you read the post I did a few days ago about the problem of female heroes in comic movies you might have caught the point I made that either super heroines have to be so unstoppable that they never take a punch to the face, or the get beaten heavily, really disturbing most of the audience. In this film the opted for the former, which would have made sense had she actually had some kind of super power. However, she is just a human and the suspension of disbelief really gets strained when you see her killing super powered aliens with her bare hands.
I also had a problem with the super powered aliens invading the earth. Never have I seen a less effective invasion. At the beginning of the movie it was heavily implied that they would beat the combined armed forced of the planet in about a day, but once they arrived they more or less fell over if someone farted in their general direction. I don’t see how aliens can hope to conquer the planet if a chick with a pistol and a guy with a bow and arrow can kill dozens of them.
All that being said, the movie was great and had a lot of really good points that made up for the negative issues. Iron Man was great, as was Thor and Capt. America. However, in the action scenes it was the Hulk who dominated and added the real excitement. In addition to being amazingly strong and fast he had the added benefit of being really unpredictable, making his scenes that much more interesting.
I don’t want to get to much into the story as I expect every one of you readers to see this film. I will say it falls back onto the traditional Marvel mashup premise: superheroes meet up, find an excuse to beat the hell out of each other, and then later find a reason to team up against the big bad. I personally really appreciate this nod towards true comic book story telling and think it’s a wise move. As for the story, Loki comes back with a device to summon an “unstoppable” alien army. The Avengers are pulled in to stop him. Mass chaos ensues.
The stars. Really great action scenes. Two stars. Comic book movie. One star. The Hulk was freaking awesome. Two stars. Thor, Iron Man, and Capt. America were great too. One star. For the most part sticking to canon. One star. Loki was a really good villain. One star. While definitely riding the lame horse known as PG-13, they still managed to keep the action hot and at least talked about people being killed. One star. There were any number of really clever, laugh out loud lines and moments. One star. Camera work and CGI were flawless. One star. Pacing was great. Even in the otherwise sluggish first 30 minutes I never felt bored or disengaged. Exceptionally well done IMO. One star. The interaction between the differing personalities among the Avengers was really good and added a lot to the story. One star. Overall a great movie experience. Two stars. Total: fifteen stars.
The black holes. Too much screen time burned on Black Widow and Hawkeye, both of whom felt kind of appendix-like. One black hole. The lack of a real back story on either character made me not care about them at all. One black hole. Worthless, worthless 3D. How is it 3D is getting lamer, not better? One black hole. The alien invaders were kind of tissue paper. One black hole. The final battle scene was highly derivative of Transformers Dark of the Moon to the point even the aliens looked a lot like the Decepticons (grey technoblobs that blended in with the background and scenery). One black hole. SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT sorry but since this is a movie I expect you to see you might want to skip down the the next paragraph now. The ending used the stupid, stupid “pulling the plug” tool first pioneered badly in Independence Day and the later used as a severe emetic in Star Wars the Phantom Menace when it came to defeating the alien army. If you are borrowing plot tips from George Lucas you should know you are either being painfully lazy or just stupid. Is it so bad to say “Well, we defeated the enemy but there are still several hundred alien soldiers running around we will have to hunt down over the next several months.”? One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total nine stars. An excellent score, and an excellent movie. If you aren’t a bitter, shriveled soul such as myself the issues I had will be glossed over like a fresh coat of paint on graffiti, and you will enjoy the hell out of this movie. Absolutely see it in a theater on the biggest screen you can find. Well worth it. The movie is interesting enough and the character interaction intriguing enough to even make this a decent date movie for the right girl. Bathroom break? I’d say about the time Black Widow starts talking one on one with Loki. I know it was supposed to be a clever scene that added something to her character but at the end of it you kind of realize it was as worthless as the majority of the rest of her screen time. Everything you learn from it she reiterates in the next scene.
Thanks for reading. Sorry I kind of rushed this one and didn’t research the cast like I usually do but I am really slammed today (Warhammer weekend). Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or send me an email if you have specific questions or suggestions at [email protected]. If you want to comment on this review feel free to do so here. I don’t know if I will have a chance to see anything this weekend, but if I do I’ll try to write it up Sunday night. Have a good one.
Dave
Some thoughts in why female comic book characters don’t make for good comic book movies.
A couple days ago Jason posted something about Scarlett Johansson wanting to do a stand alone Black Widow movie and why that is generally a bad idea. His base statement is more or less correct: there has never been a female super hero movie that has done well, and in most cases they seem to spell career death for the actress involved. Some of the notable failures include Catwoman and Electra, but if you dig deeper you find all kinds of other ones that did nothing but suck and die. Red Sonya, Tank Girl, My Super Ex Girlfriend (actually I kind of like that one, but really it was less about the super hero and more about every ex girlfriend I have ever had), Sheena, and Barb Wire to name a few. Duds all. Some may argue that Hit Girl from Kick Ass was great (she was IMO), but she did not have her own movie. There has yet to be a distaff Spider Man or Iron Man.
What is the problem here? It’s not like we don’t have great female comic book characters to draw from. Every year someone talks about doing a Wonder Woman movie, but honestly I predict even that will fail to meet expectations. Jason’s theory was that most comic book movie fans are male and want to pretend to be the hero. A female hero is just harder to identify with and pretend to be. I think there may be some validity to this theory, but don’t see it as the overriding issue. For the most part fans identify with the super powers, not the super hero. I could easily see someone imagining having the telekinetic powers of Phoenix or the weather control of Storm. Also, I think in this day and age the line of gender identification is a little blurrier that it has ever been in the past. (Wonder Woman image courtesy of the DC Comic T Shirt category).
I think the issue is much more primal. The problem is that in order for a super hero movie to be great, the hero has to get his or her ass handed to him (or her). If you look at the first Spider Man movie, Peter Parker gets completely trounced by the Green Goblin (blown up, really). In the last Superman the managed to find a way to have the normally invulnerable Superman on deaths doorstep. In order for a super hero to be super he or she has to overcome serious mortal danger and pain. We root for the hero who comes to the brink of destruction but still triumphs. Without that it just sucks. The reason this doesn’t work for super heroines is the fact that the vast majority of men are hard wired on a genetic level to not like to see a woman getting beaten.
Seriously, this is an issue. In my movie reviews if I see a woman getting punched in the face it usually earns the movie a black hole. I find it incredibly disturbing. There is nothing more upsetting to a man (a real man) than seeing a woman’s face with a black eye or bruises. I know, I am supposed to be more open minded and equality and all that feminist stuff, but even guys who say that it seeing men beaten bothers them equally with women are lying. There is a genetic imperative in men to protect women from harm (kids too, but you don’t see a lot of that in movies). There is nothing that will get me to intervene in a situation faster than seeing a man hit a woman, yet I would be OK watching two guys beat the hell out of each other.
This, unfortunately, leaves Hollywood with a bad choice to make. Either they go with letting the heroine get her ass kicked, making the movie really disturbing to the bulk of the viewing audience, or they make her invulnerable and impervious to harm, making the movie really boring and unreal. The thing that comic movie fans demand these days is some level of realism (ironic, given that we are talking about people with super powers) and seeing a 105lb girl get punched in the face and kick the crap out of a 200lb thug just isn’t realistic (one of the many reasons Catwoman really sucked).
What is the answer? I don’t know. Maybe more movies of women who don’t necessarily have to duke it out with guys. Angelina Jolie was great in Wanted and for the most part shot people. This might actually make for a decent film for Black Widow, but I predict they will feel the need to get her to go toe to toe with someone, ironically lessening the action.
That’s pretty much it on the matter. I’d like to thank my best friend Dave for first suggesting this theory and helping me flesh out out. If you want to comment or suggest a different theory free to post something here. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have specific questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected].
By the way, before I get going I wanted to mention something interesting I found on the Intertube. I was looking for info on the upcoming Men in Black 3 and came across this kid Bugeyes126 doing some kind of investigation video series trying to prove that the Men in Black are real. I can’t tell if this is for real, for fun, or just a really creative marketing campaign. It’s like some kind of reality TV show scavenger hunt. I’ll link Bugeyes126 most recent video as it flashes me back to my childhood days of dumpster diving. However, I can tell him from painful personal experience jumping straight into a dumpster like he does is a good recipe for getting a rusty length of jagged metal jammed six inches into your calf. I’d also like to add that tetanus shots in 1982 were a whole lot less fun than they are now.
No movie tonight as I have to paint new models for the tournament this weekend. However, I have tickets for a midnight screening of the Avengers at the fabulous Kabuki Cinema in San Francisco Thursday so look for that review Friday morning. Thanks as always for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Raven Movie Review
When was this movie supposed to get interesting? Nevermore.
I’m not saying this movie was particularly bad or annoying. It’s just really generic. If you took Seven, mixed in equal parts of Sherlock Holmes and Scooby Doo, added a dash Batman’s the Riddler, and let it simmer for 111 minutes this is the film you would get.
The problems with this film is it just fails to meet expectations. The plot isn’t bad. However, given the source material and claims of being a mystery movie you would expect some kind of plot twist or horrific reveal. Instead we get a led by the nose mystery wherein the villain supplies handwritten clues for Poe to decode and a denouement that ends up being almost random. There is no satisfaction in a mystery solved when the killer just steps out and reveals himself. In spite of the fact that Edgar Allen Poe wrote of some of the most horrifically grisly murders imaginable and this movie has an R rating, with the exception of the pendulum scene all the murders are neutered of all gore and grimness. I saw a more graphic murder last night on the British Being Human. John Cusack acquits himself well but the character he has been given just doesn’t really feel like I would imagine Poe being; a tortured, melancholy, dark alcoholic who revels in gallows humor. Instead we basically get Sherlock Holmes without the deductive ability or English accent.
I think a big part of the disappointment for me is the fact that I am a John Cusack fan. 
He has been in several of my favorite movies, including Better Off Dead, Hi Fidelity, Gross Pointe Blank, and even Hot Tub Time Machine (Cherobly image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). I think he is a talented actor and I enjoy his performances, even in this one. He brings real to the screen.
The story is of course about the last days of Edgar Allen Poe, American literary hero and father of modern horror. He is a destitute alcoholic who is struggling to make money from his past writing and fame. He is also in love with daughter of a rich Baltimore socialite, Emily (Alice Eve-Big Nothing, She’s Out of My League, Sex and the City 2). Her father (Brendan Gleeson-Troy, Gangs of New York, Braveheart) wisely thinks he is bad news and hates him. Meanwhile across town two women are murdered in a scene lifted from one of Poe’s stories. The detective (Like Evans-the Immortals, Clash of the Titans, the Three Musketeers) investigating regonizes the scene and hauls Poe in for questioning. Meanwhile a fat man suffer the Pit and the Pendulum death in the only murder scene worth anything. Turns out he was a literary rival of Poe and suspicion falls on him again. However, he (somehow?) convinces Detective Fields of his innocence and agrees to help in the investigation. Emily gets kidnapped out of a party and at that point the killer starts sending notes to Poe instructing him to follow the clues and keep investigating the murders or she dies.
Honestly if you took a massive bathroom break after the kidnap and came back about two minutes before the murderer is revealed you wouldn’t miss much (and as an aside, my recommendation for a bathroom break is any time after Emily gets kidnapped). Stuff happens. A couple more people die. A string of Scooby Doo-esque clues are followed. Other stuff happens. There is a fire in a random building that turns out to be Poe’s home so he moves in with Fields (did I mention there were elements of the Odd Couple in this?).
The stars. John Cusack did a good job with the acting. One star. I like the source material. One star. I am a fan of that period of American History, and they kept it in tone. One star. The pendulum scene was as grisly and horrible as the rest of the movie was not, in a good way. One star. Overall executed competently, with good pacing, dialog, and camera work with no obvious continuity issues or plot holes. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. A real failing to live up to it’s potential, but in plot and rated R material. I’m not asking for nudity here (although a little would have been appreciated) but if you are getting an R anyway why not make this fit in with the world in Edgar Allen Poe’s head? One black hole. With the exception of Fields and Poe, most of the characters were at best expository noise holes. Very two dimensional, even the killer. One black hole. I’m going to hit them for being derivative of a bunch of other movies without really taking a very singular character and making an original film around him. Basically a generic, boilerplate serial murder film sans horror. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of two stars. At least it stays positive. I won’t say I regret the time or money I spent on it, because really I didn’t. It’s not a bad, and there are parts you can really appreciate. I just don’t know if it really holds up to a lot of the other movies coming out right now. I think this movie will do great as a late night let’s just watch something kind of film. Date movie? Not really, unless she is a huge John Cusack fan.
Thanks for reading. I will see Safe and Pirates this week, so keep checking back. Also, something Jason wrote the other day about female superhero movies got me thinking about it and discussing it with my friend, so I think I will write something about that tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or email me at [email protected] if you have any specific questions or suggestions (or if you work for a studio and want to hook me up with some kind of advanced screening). If you have comments about this review feel free to post here. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Five-Year Engagement Review
Another depressingly competent rom com.
I have hit another one of those Twilight Zone-esque episodes in my movie reviewing career wherein everything I see is at least decent. This may not sound like a bad thing, but the fact is my funniest and best reviews are all for the worst, most disappointing movies and I can’t seem to find one. I mean really, where is Nicholas Cage when you really need him?
So this movie was well done. I have become more of a Jason Segel fan since watching How I Met Your Mother and Emily Blunt is really hot in my mind (plus a good actress). In this film they exhibit some really good chemistry and accurately portray the agony of a modern relationship (a more cynical and bitter reviewer might say they accurately portray how a woman can destroy a man in a relationship. Good thing I am so well adjusted). The film itself is well done and has some really funny moments. It does seem to drag on at times, and there are some scenes that are either completely unnecessary or extend well past their freshness date. At first I was prepared to lambast the film for the slow pacing, but as things progressed I suddenly realized that the film was accurately giving me the feeling of what a five year engagement must feel like. This makes Judd Apatow one of the smartest or luckiest movie makers in the industry.
That’s not to say there weren’t moments when I was hoping to find a fast forward button in my box of Whoppers, but overall I really like the idea of a filmmaker creating a feeling and theme without having to slap us in the face with it. There was another less subtle but still well delivered theme having to do with stale donuts as well (although I question the validity of the psychology involved) that also made for a decent subtext.
The story is, of course, of a five year engagement. Jason Segel (The Muppets, Despicable Me, Forgetting Sarah Marshal) and Emily Blunt (the Devil Wears Prada, the Adjustment Bureau, the Young Victoria) play Tom and Violet, a young successful San Francisco couple the likes of which I meet all the time out here (and occasionally want to run over with my car). He is a sous chef at a high end restaurant and she is a graduate student in psychology. They get engaged but when she fails to get into Berkeley and instead gets into Michigan he has to quit his job so they can both move to Ann Arbor. She excels in her program while he descends into a frozen hell and has to get a job in a sandwich shop. The relationship starts to really crumble and to be perfectly honest I am going to put the blame on this one directly on Violet. She is completely disconnected from her partner’s pain (sometimes literally) and even when he brings up his issues more or less sits around hoping he gets used to it or something. I actually found this refreshing as a study in relationships and it was nice to see someone other than the guy painted as the the insensitive one. Of course this role reversal kind of robbed Jason Segel of whatever machismo he might have had, and no offense Jason but you never seems to play a role overburdened with testosterone.
Left to his own devices Tom has a funny episode where he devolves into a Michigan hunting woodsman (complete with Swamp People beard) which is probably some of the funniest stuff. The relationship continues to degenerate, abetted by Violets professor Winton Childs (Rhys Ifans-Notting Hill, Anonymous, Little Nicky) untoward interest in her. The comedy kind of takes a back seat to the drama as things go from bad to worse. Relationship chaos ensues. Stuff happens.
The stars. I was laughing out loud at multiple points. One star. Well acted from pretty much everyone. One star. The chemistry between Segal and Blunt was palpable. One star. 
The supporting actors, especially best friend Alex (Chris Pratt-Wanted, Parks & Rec, Everwood. Parks & Rec image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirts) added a lot to the film. One star. An honest (and successful) effort to add subtext. One star. A realistic look at a dysfunctional relationship. One star. The movie managed to make San Francisco look like the greatest city in the world (which, in my opinion, it may well be. If not it is only second to New York). One star. The Tom as a hunter scenes were especially entertaining. One star. A bonus star for overall keeping me entertained in a film that should have had me snoozing. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. In spite of believing the movie makers did this on purpose to add the feeling of being engaged for five years, you really feel every one of the 124 minutes. One black hole. There were a few scenes in particular that stretched on for an eon. One black hole. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If you are going to eat an R rating anyway throw in some nudity please. There was a perfect opportunity towards the end. One black hole. SPOILER ALERT. The ending seemed a little trite and actually did not really resolve any of the main issues. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of five stars. A good score for a rom com, and perfect for a five year engagement (I swear that wasn’t on purpose). Worth seeing? Sort of, but only as a date. Good date movie? Yes and no. Yes in that it has everything a woman would want to see in a film about romance (and also you will probably compare favorably to pasty white boy Jason Segel. He’s like a young Raymond Burr). However, I am actually more concerned about what this film could potentially do to you as the male viewer. If you are of a dark or paranoid mindset the destruction of Tom’s life in the interest of Violet’s career will probably have you leaving your date at the theater in order to pursue a life as a Buddhist monk (they are cool with internet porn, right? I had better check on that soon). However, if you can stomach that this will probably make for a decent date.
Thanks for reading. More films to see this weekend, including the Raven, Pirates, and Safe. Hopefully one of them will suck (my money is on Safe). Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment about this review feel free to post it here, and if you have suggestions or specific questions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Think Like a Man Review
I honestly liked it, and for the life of me can’t figure out why.
This film was a huge surprise to me. According the the trailers (which I watched over and over again) it looked like every movie I should hate on every level: good looking late 20-somethings dating and screwing each other while living in the lap of luxury and enjoying the finer things in life while I struggle to buy something more than Top Ramen. It also had the appearance of following in the pattern set in Valentine’s Day and my fourth worst film of 2011, New Years Eve in that it is an assemblage cast with multiple interweaving multiple story lines crossing into each other. However, while New Years Eve enjoyed all the success of a barbed wire jock strap, somehow this movie does it right and manages to keep the audience engaged and into the story.
I think a big part of it is in this film the talented cast of actors all put their heart into the roles, ending up with a great and believable performance from all of them (with one exception, maybe). That, combined with excellent dialog and very strong chemistry, both romantic and platonic, made up for some of the weaknesses around the script.
I do have two major issues with this film and like most of my problems, they are personal. First of all seeing as I have been riding a dating rejection streak is approaching presidential term length (two term, that is) seeing all these hot young people date and for the most part succeed in finding love was like multiple daggers made of frozen nitrogen stuck into my chest. The fact that there wasn’t a woman in this film I couldn’t fall in love with was the twist on the handle.
The other issue was the portrayal of Los Angeles as the most romantic city in the world or something. I have tried dating in LA and from a romance perspective you will not find a more wretched wasteland of shallowness, ego, and self image destruction short of the fourth level of hell. If any of you readers are women living in LA I apologize if this offends you (I’m sure you are the exception to this generization) but the girls of Los Angeles are the most horrid humans to date in the known universe. 
I would literally rather kiss a wookie. (I’d Rather Kiss a Wookie image courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirts. Also, cute but hirsute women don’t be afraid to contact me).
Anyway, the movie. It is the story of 4 men and the women who have to date them. They are all friends and all take on aspects of the worst stereotypes of bad male partners: the non-committer, the player, the mammas boy, and the unemployed loser. For the record they are played by Michael Ealy (Seven Pounds, Underworld Awakenings), Jerry Ferrara (Entourage, Brooklyn Rules) Terrence Jenkins (Burlesque), and Romany Malco (Weeds, the 40 Year Old Virgin, Blades of Glory). They are joined by comic relief and recently divorced Kevin Hart (Soul Plane, Fool’s Gold, Along Came Polly). They are either involved with or meet and start dating four women who are each respectively sick of these types of guys. They are Meagan Good (Brick, Stomp the Yard, Eve’s Bayoo), Regina Hall (Scary Movie 4, Scary Movie, Law Abiding Citizen), Taraji P. Henson (the Curious Case of Benjamin Button, the Karate Kid, Date Night), and Gabrielle Union (Bad Boys II, 10 Things I Hate About You. Bring it On) and are to a woman very easy on the eyes.
The four women seem destined to keep on moving in the same direction they always have in their relationships until they come across a date advice book by Steve Harvey. I don’t know what he did to become a dating expert but since I first started this blog by giving out dating advice who am I to judge? (if you want to laugh here is the link to Part 1 of 19 posts on Online Dating I did. Kind of bitter, but some of the funniest stuff I have written IMHO) The four women buy his book and learn how to deal with men. Steve’s advice seems to be summed up as “lower your standards and then browbeat the hell out of your man until he morphs into something you can stomach”. I’m not saying I disagree with him.
Of course, the men find out about the book and start using the info back at the women. Things go to hell all around. Plans go astray. Dating chaos ensues.
The stars. I was really impressed by the cast and their performances for the most part. Two stars. Great dialog. One star. The characters all had really good, solid chemistry that worked. One star. All the women were pretty. One star. The multiple story lines not only managed to avoid tripping each other up, but actually enhanced each other. One star. I enjoyed it a lot more than I expected to. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. The Kevin Hart character, while useful as a comic relief, was the one character that felt fake. I don’t think this is on Kevin so much as it is on the writer. One black hole. Sappy, predictable endings. One black hole. I don’t know if was my own feelings about dating, Los Angeles, or what but something about the film kind of infuriated me. Also we ended up looking at a lot of bare man chest. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
Four stars total, a great score for a romance film. Should you see it? Not really if you are a single man. Date movie? Hell yes. Interesting enough to keep you engaged while fulfilling every dream your date has ever had. However, I think this will work even better on a TV in front of a couch in a couple months, if you know what I mean.
I’ve kind of hit a streak of either decent or good movies. While that is a plus for me personally I know that this translates into kind of boring reviews. I can only hope something coming out soon sucks the proverbial teat, but honestly it looks like a good lineup. The best two cantidated for suckage are probably the Five-Year Engagement and Safe, but we’ll see. This weekend I should see both of those as well as Pirates and the Raven. Busy weekend. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or email me with questions or suggestions to [email protected]. Feel free to post any comments on this movie here. Thanks for reading. Have a good weekend.
Dave
