Chronicle Movie Review
Pretty much the senior year in High School I always dreamed of.
How does this sound familiar? A introverted high school geek is abused by his alcoholic father and all of his so-called peers. Ignored by girls, pushed around by bullies, and spending each day in an alienating Skinner box of loneliness. Then, through some set of mysterious (and blatantly unexplained) phenomenon he gains super powers and uses them to wreck most of his town and punish all who had ever wronged him. To be honest, I really didn’t have to see Chronicle as I wrote the script for it pretty much every day in my head throughout high school and for a bunch of years after that.
First off, this movie is pretty freaking amazing. Found footage is a little overplayed these days, but in this case it is used to present some pretty amazing concepts and really good characters, each with their own personality and priorities. Plus it is about kids with super powers. Additionally I was really impressed with the acting and performances of the three kids, and the found footage aspect of the movie felt incredibly organic and real.
It’s usually at this point in one of my reviews where I say something like “That’s not to say the movie doesn’t have it’s faults, which we will go into detail shortly”. However, as I sit here reflecting on my cinema experience I honestly can’t think of anything that bugged me about this film. I’ll try to think about something before I get to the black holes, but overall I think this was an excellent movie.
The story is of Andrew (Dane DeHaan-In Treatment, True Blood, the Front), an introverted geek treated with abuse and contempt and disregard by pretty much everyone around him except for his cousin Matt (Alex Russell-Almost Kings, the Best Man, Wasted on the Young). He buys an old camera to document his life but it is also implied he is using it as a defense against his abusive father (Micheal Kelly-Adjustment Bureau, Dawn of the Dead, Unbreakable) and the people around him, as well as film the last days of his dying mother (Bo Peterson-the Wooden Camera, Endgame, the Bone Snatcher). Matt drags him to a rave in a barn somewhere. After a few minutes of him looking and acting painfully out of place (lots of deja vu there for me as well) he gets dragged out of the parking lot by the most popular kid in school, Steve (Micheal B. Jordan-Friday Night Lights, House M.D., Red Tails) who wants him to use his camera to film something weird in a field. It is a tunnel leading down. Matt, Steve, and Andrew all descend, where they see a big glowing thing that gives them all telekinetic ability.
At this point the film turns into a documentary of the three boys as they develop and strengthen their abilities, as well as their friendships. They run around doing what teenage boys would given God-like powers: play pranks on people and laughing their asses off. As things develop they gain more and more powers, including flight and invulnerability. Meanwhile, Andrews friendship with Steve helps him gain popularity, at least until he gets drunk at a party and embarrasses himself in front of a girl, who blabs it all over the school proving once again that women are evil (oops did I type that part out loud?).
Anyway, things take place that many people may interpret as a dark turn but which I saw the inevitable conclusion of an abused geek gaining powers, showing once again that geeks are to be feared and respected, not abused. Paybacks are a bitch, and he starts dealing it wholesale. He also is motivated to find money to help his sick mother. I don’t want to get too much into the rest of the story. Nothing will really surprise you too much, but I found it enjoyable nevertheless.
The stars. Really well done found footage movie. Two stars. The character development was really strong for all three guys, and the interaction between the three felt very real and believable. Two stars. Good acting from the three main guys. One star. While the film was found footage, the directors managed to find really clever ways of making it not suffer from the usual gremlins of found footage films: Captain Shaky-motion-sickness-inducement and his sidekick Corp. There’s-always-one-main-character-missing-from-the-scene. I thought the use and placement of the cameras really clever and well done. One star. For being low budget the special effects were pretty cool. One star. Dialog was good and real also. One star. Overall a lot of fun. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. I think I did come up with a couple, but the really cool thing about the way this film was filmed was there doesn’t really feel like you need any of the missing information explained to you. For that matter, the missing information and unexplored sub plots actually adds to the story in this format. I will say that while the movie was good I think it would have been better if they had gone for the R rating. The PG-13 choices they were forced to make left a lot of the scenes feeling a little flat. One black hole. I will also say I was hoping Andrew would do more to his miserable class mates. That is really just me, but there it is. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
So a grand total of eight stars, and the best movie I have seen so far this year. I thought this was really good, and odds are you will enjoy the heck out of it. It is more of a superhero film than anything else 
(and about 1,000 times more entertaining than big budget bomb Green Lantern. GL image courtesy of the Comic Book T-Shirt category) so treat it as such when trying to decide to bring a date to this. If she is looking forward to seeing The Avengers then she might enjoy this. If not she will be bored and in that case see it with your other nerd friends.
Thanks everyone for reading. These blogs are getting to be more and more fun to do, and I am now using my daily stats as a measure of my worth as a human being. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks again, and talk to you soon.
Dave
The Academy Award Nominations: my thoughts and comments.
I know all you readers out there are rigid in eager anticipation on my thoughts regarding the 2012 Academy Nominations, and believe me they are legion. I don’t want this post to go 1,000,000 words, so rather than write my usual clever and scintillating intro will dive right in. I will also include links to all the reviews I wrote for these so feel free to check those out.
Best Picture Nominations
The Artist-didn’t see it, and I know that is a failing on my part. However, it seems a move nominated for Best Picture should be considered outstanding on all aspects of the film, including dialog and sound. Honestly, not having spoken dialog seems like an unfair advantage; it’s like a blind person having his or her hearing enhanced by focusing so much energy on it. By not having to worry about the sound performance of the actors the director can focus on the other visual aspects of the film and make them that much better. The Descendants-I can’t really argue with this one. While I had a couple minor issues with it (having to do with lack of tone) I can say it probably deserves to win. Really good, considering the complete lack of gunfights, chase scenes, or explosions (or perhaps because of that). Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close-I was surprised this even got a nomination. Way too soon in my opinion, and by that I mean during my lifetime. Also, while the kid did a great job as a kid actor, his performance isn’t really going to set the world on fire. I predict no actual award for this one. 
Hugo–I have a feeling the Academy couldn’t let Martin Scorsese do a film and not throw him something. Visually impressive, but the story kind of meanders at points (Hugo image courtesy of the Movie Tshirt category). Midnight in Paris-fun and whimsical, but not really Oscar worthy in my opinion. The Help–if this film had been based on a true story I think it might have been a real contender, but as it was a fictional book (and the fact that it was based on a white woman coming to help the oppressed minorities rather than them helping themselves) I think it won’t win anything. Moneyball-probably my second choice for Best Picture, and if I actually had a vote in the Academy the one I would actually vote for. War Horse-good movie, but I think the lack of an actual protagonist you can really connect with, combined with horrific scenes of animals in extreme pain, makes this one not really a choice. Tree of Life-oh God are they kidding? I’d give it the Academy Award for the Most Worthless and Pretentious Picture of the Year. The very fact that this random collection of home movies chewed up, partially digested, and then vomited all over the screen got a nomination tells me that Hollywood is desperate to prove to the world that they have some form of artistic merit, but I studied art and there is surrealist art that makes a point and then there is weird just to be weird, and this film fits firmly into the second category, except for the fact that it was also one of the laziest productions I have ever scene. If this dog wins it will not only prove once and for all that the Hollywood intelligentsia has their head firmly lodged where the sun doesn’t shine, but will make me question my desire to ever see another movie again.
Best Actor
George Clooney, The Descendants. He probably should win. Jean Dujardin, The Artist. Didn’t see it. Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I thought he was good, but I also don’t think it really a stretch of his acting ability to play a deadpan British man who shows no emotion throughout the film. Kind of robotic. Brad Pitt, Moneyball. He was good, but I really think George Clooney has it this year. Demian Bichir, A Better Life. Didn’t see it, although in doing some research on it kind of wish I had.
Best Actress
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs. Not only did I not see this one, I wasn’t even aware it existed. Another triumph in film marketing. Viola Davis, The Help. If you want to talk about emoting and delivering a range of emotions, Viola really did a great job. I would seriously consider her for this award. Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. You know, I really enjoyed this film and Rooney’s portrayal of Lisbeth. However, she really seems to have locked on to that character and not exercised much divergence. I have little to no acting ability myself (and am also a terrible poker player) but it seems to me that playing an angry young adult is not that challenging an acting roll. Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady. I’m torn on this one. I thought Meryl did an exceptional job in portraying young Lady Thatcher as a powerful world leader. However, I found her performance as a decrepit dementia victim a little contrived and unfortunately that is where the director decided to focus. In my review I talked about how unfortunate it is that a great actress like Meryl Streep is not given the room she needs to show her acting strength in this film. Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn. Didn’t see it, and to this day I don’t regret that choice.
Best Supporting Actor
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn. Didn’t see it. Jonah Hill, Moneyball. I will say this about Jonah Hill. He plays a fish out of water better than anyone I have seen in a long time. Nick Nolte, Warrior. I don’t see an alcoholic abusive father as much of stretch for Nick’s acting ability. Christopher Plummer, Beginners. Didn’t see it. Max Von Sydow, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. In spite of my issues with this movie, I actually really like Max in this film. I’d probably give it to him.
Best Supporting Actress
Berenice Bejo, The Artist. Didn’t see it. Jessica Chastain, The Help. Meh. Plus I’m still annoyed at her for helping make Tree of Life happen. Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids. You know, I wouldn’t have thought to nominate her, but now that it has been done I have to say I would probably say she deserves to win. She is an exceptional actress. Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs. Didn’t see it. Octavia Spencer, The Help. Another great performance. I’m actually torn between her and Melissa McCarthy.
Best Director
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris. Maybe. This movie was good, but it’s no Match Point. Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist. Didn’t see it. Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life. Not only should he not get an award, but after the ceremony the Academy should take him out back and beat him with a garden hose full of sand. Alexander Payne, The Descendants. Yeah, this one should get it. Martin Scorsese, Hugo. I’m pretty sure Mr. Scorsese did this film in order to learn how to do 3D.
Best Original Screenplay
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris. Actually, this screenplay was actually pretty good. I think it would be a good choice. JC Chandor, Margin Call. Missed it. Did anyone even know it existed? Asghar Farhadi, A Separation. What is the deal with candidates for Best Screenplay all having Worst Marketing Campaign? Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist. Didn’t see it. Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo, Bridesmaids. I don’t know about this. I enjoyed the movie, but one of my criticisms was that the screenplay felt more like 11 skits rather than a single movie.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxton, Jim Rash, The Descendants. Probably the winner. John Logan, Hugo. Meh. George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon, The Ides of March. Sorry, but I thought the screenplay was one of the major problems with this film. Aaron Sorkin, Steven Zaillian, Moneyball. Maybe. Not as good as the Descendants. Bridget O’Connor, Peter Straughn, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. If the book this movie is adapted from is as good as I have heard, than this might be the all time worst adaptation.
I didn’t see many animated films that are up for awards, and don’t have a strong enough opinion on the technical items to really have an opinion on Best Score or Cinematographic achievements, so I will not comment on those.
That’s pretty much it. Feel free to agree or disagree here or on Twitter @NerdKungFu. New movies coming out this weekend so look for some new movie reviews soon. Thank you for reading. Have a great day.
Dave
Man on a Ledge Review
The title pretty much describes the movie.
There’s a little more than that, of course. There is a motivation that seems to work, and the characters all seem to appeal. The story is griping enough and well done through the first 90%, but the whole thing falls apart into Inspector Clouseau style chaos at the end.
I guess it’s inevitable that even movies I enjoy these days seem to have flaws that irk me like a paper cut on the end of my tongue. 
This film has the appearance of a well packed cargo train, with everything tight, organized, and in it’s proper place, that at the last minute had a ton of extra luggage attached to the outside of the third car and a caboose full of clowns hitched up to the rear. There was a long, extended flashback scene in the first 20 minutes that felt completely out of place and in my opinion actually detracted from the story, and at the end, after 85 minutes of decent, coherent story telling the plot exploded like someone flushed a cherry bomb down it’s toilet. All of a sudden the pacing gets cranked up to ramming speed and a the plot threads start flying all over the screen like someone fed crystal meth to a nest of psychotic spiders.
(Train image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
On the other hand, this movie features the hottest woman in the history of the human race, Genesis Rodriguez. It frustrates me that women like this exist and don’t want to talk to me. The only thing that could make it more painful was if I found out her name was not a Biblical reference her parents saddled her but a screen name she chose from the Genesis project from TWOK. I think I would be out on a ledge at that point.
The story is, of course, about a man on a ledge. Sam Worthington (Avatar, Clash of the Titans, Terminator Salvation) crawls out on a ledge and starts threatening to kill himself. A crowd gathers. He request a specific police negotiator, discredited Detective Lydia Mercer (Elizabeth Banks-Spiderman, the 40 Year Old Virgin, the Next Three Days). At that point we get into the flashback that in retrospect bugged me so much. It basically details how Sams character Nick Cassidy was an ex cop convicted of stealing a gigantic diamond from the bad guy David Englander (Ed Harris-A Beautiful Mind, the Abyss, the Rock) and how he escaped from prison and ended up in this hotel. First of all this whole sequence felt really out of place, but more importantly I think the story would have gone a lot better if we had discovered these things as the police did. Add an element of mystery to the whole thing.
Anyway, he is motivated to prove his innocence, and while he is distracting everyone his friends, including the aforementioned Genesis Rodriguez (Prisionera, Doña Bárbara) and his brother (Jamie Bell-Jumper, the Adventures of Tintin, Billy Elliot). Somehow they have become expert cat burglars and safe crackers with no experience whatsoever. Whatever. So the plan is based entirely on Nick distracting people at the right moments in order to give his team the time they need. Stuff blows up. Genesis strips down to her underwear and slithers into a body stocking in the most gratuitous and appreciated scene (from me) in cinema history. I don’t want to give the ending away, but all of a sudden the story takes every freeway off ramp simultaneously and then ends up in a multi car crash at the denouement (this is a word I just learned a few minutes ago. Me so smart).
Anyway, the stars. While not terribly original, it was an interesting twist on a crime story. One star. Acting was decent from Sam Worthington and the rest of the cast. One star. In spite of spending the entire time on a ledge, there were definitely parts that were exciting. One star. Genesis Rodriguez. One star. I do enjoy a good crime story, with the burglars having to defeat each of the security systems in turn. One star. I thought Ed Harris did an admirable job as the villain. He seemed a little over the top and out of place at times, but really gave you someone to hate. One star. I thought direction and camera work managed to give a definite sense of vertigo. Well done IMO. One star. Generally a good film that didn’t make me think I had wasted my money. One star. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. An ending that can best be described as a clusterf***. Two black holes. The early on out of place and unnecessary flashback. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
In the irksome but not black hole worthy category, I have a couple. The idea of Nick’s compatriots somehow having the skills need to defeat a multi million dollar security system is laughable, but since it gave a lot of screen time to my dream woman I can’t complain too much. Also, after an entire movie of sneaking through vent shafts and tricking cameras the final stage of the security system is defeated by opening up a thermostat control box and clipping a single wire. It’s like they paid their security systems consultant but ran out of budget for the last 25 minutes.
So a grand total of 5 stars. A decent score for a decent movie. I think you would enjoy seeing this on a big screen. The sense of danger the vertigo gives you will probably be lost on a TV. I think this would make a decent date movie too. There is some emotional stuff going on, and a couple of decent female characters. Nothing uber creepy that might put her off the idea of intimacy if you know what I mean. Good luck.
Three movies in three days and I am kind of movied out. I will take a break for a day or two. I have some thoughts on the Academy Awards Nominations (mostly around God awful Tree of Life getting nominated for anything other than going out and getting beer for all the other movies) and might do something on that tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
One for the Money Review
A bad night at the movies, or a mediocre night at home watching a TV pilot.
Yes, I saw this. I will say that this story appeals to a very specific audience, and that audience seems to be middle aged women who like to see men in pain. I was one of four guys in a half full theater and clearly the only one who hadn’t been dragged along by a significant other. One of the major problems this film suffers from is that if you had shown it to me on DVD I would have said it was a TV pilot that failed to go anywhere. I kept waiting for commercial breaks.
My predictions for this movie did not come 100% true. She did have feelings for her ex, but they did not do anything to prevent her from doing her job. She did outdo a more experienced bounty hunter, but only in the most superficial way. My last prediction did indeed come true, although instead of kicking a guy in the nuts it was shooting him in the chest.
I said one of the major problems with this film is the fact that it felt like a TV show, but there are many others. Another huge problem is the fact that the plot runs like a Ruth Goldberg machine that keeps breaking down. You know, the woodpecker breaks the wood pin that causes the iron tied to a string to release, turning the cog that pulls the trigger on the pistol, starting the bowling ball to roll along the tracks eventually turning on the washing machine etc etc? Except in this case none of the separate devices connect properly and you can see the director and the producers (including star Katherine Heigl. More on that later) running around putting the bowling ball back on the track, replacing the woodpecker when it dies, and using the pistol to shoot their agent for getting them involved in this dog. The plot (for lack of a better term) advances only through the most random happenstance and farcical connections.
Another problem this movie suffers from is the incredibly bland supporting characters and the avalanche of otherwise interesting minor characters who vanish off the screen after a couple scenes. Katherine Heigl is the Executive Producer of this thing and it really feels like she is dealing with a massive insecurity issue. In other words, she won’t put anyone on the screen who may overshadow her. Everyone else in the film is a relative nobody. Also, there is not a single scene except for a couple out of focus flashbacks that don’t feature her. The most interesting characters are all the minor ones to literally don’t last past the two minute mark. Her competing bounty hunter gets killed within one minute of meeting her. A goofy Asian pot head with a dragon tattoo on his forehead gets killed in the scene after we meet him. Her best friend only appears on screen in phone calls and then vanishes into the ether, along with the mother and daughter of the hooker she is trying to help. Even the main bad guy has one lousy scene with her and then kind of waits in the wings to do anything.
The last problem, although not as major as the first three, is the stupid voice over monologue. I know this is a movie adapted from a book, but honestly books have expository monologues because they are made of words. Movies are made of pictures and sounds and as such can convey events and feelings without telling us what is going on in the dumbest manner possible. The only genre where the expository voice over works is in noir detective stories. This movie is not noir. 
Look at Bladerunner. The voice over monologue was forced into the film by the studio, and in the end when they came out with the directors cut it was entirely deleted, making for a much better film (Replicant image courtesy of the Science Fiction T Shirt category).
Anyway, the story. Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy, Knocked Up, Life as we Know It) plays Stephanie Plum, an ex lingerie salesperson who is desperate for some kind of income. She has dinner with her family, the New Jersey Stereotypes, and gets told that her cousin Vinnie (no joke. Her New Jersey cousin is named Vinnie. My Cousin Vinnie? By the way, he is played by Patrick Fischler-Twister, Old School, Speed, Mulhulland Drive), who owns a bail bond shop, has a job. She ends up, with no training, experience, or equipment, a bounty hunter and is hot on the case of the guy who took her virginity (a fact that we are repeatedly and painfully reminded of over and over again) back in high school, Joe Morelli (Resident Evil Extinction, Life on Mars, Terra Nova). He is a cop who has been accused of shooting a drug dealer or something. By the time we get to what actually happened all the Ruth Goldberg devices had so cluttered up the screen that I couldn’t really tell what was going on. Anyway, she embarks on a wacky adventure to all the worst parts of town and doesn’t seem to get killed. She meets up with another bounty hunter named Ranger (Daniel Sunjata-All My Children, Rescue Me, the Devil Wears Prada) who buys her a gun (in complete disregard for cooling off periods and/or concealed weapon laws) and shows up to back her up occasionally. She meets the very scary and intense villain (Gavin-Keith Umeh-Law and Order SVU, Unforgettable, White Collar) but I guess he was too cool to actually show as he spent most of the movie not on screen. Probably it was felt he would overpower Heigl’s performance. A car gets blown up. Oddball plot twists that add nothing and don’t make a lot of sense crop up. The pilot (I mean movie) ends and retreats to the failed idea shelf.
The stars. I don’t know. There were a couple of entertaining scenes, I guess. One star. I would normally give a star for some interesting minor characters, but they all vanished like free finger food at an open mike poetry reading. Katherine Heigl is definitely easy on the eyes, and seems to have cornered the market on skin tight jeans (and giant purses). One star. She does a partially nude scene that is pretty good, but since she is only half naked I can only give her half a star. Total: Two and a half stars.
The black holes. Disjointed Ruth Goldbergian plot. Two black holes. Making me pay for what in reality should have been a free pilot episode. One black hole. Bland, boring support characters. One black hole. The voice over monolog that made me want to run screaming into the night. One black hole. In addition to being a big, disjointed mess, the end of the movie was at the same time labyrinthine and pat. Basically you couldn’t have wrapped up the story neater if the main character had actually been a producer of the film (oh, wait…). One black hole. A complete disregard of all forms of gun laws. One black hole. Loading the plot with extra characters and then erasing them to make more room for Katherine Heigl. One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
So a grand total of five and a half black holes. Not a great score. I don’t really have anything against Katherine Heigl. I think she has talent and is super hot. I enjoyed her as the stuck up prissy girl in Knocked Up. If she could find the right role I would be happy to give her a good review. This one isn’t it. Worth seeing? Not really. There is nothing in this movie that makes it worth spending your hard earned dollars. It really does feel like you are watching TV. Date movie? Actually yes. This might work as a date movie to a certain extent. You will sit there fuming about having to spend money and 106 minutes of your life on it, but as long as your date doesn’t have to pay for it she might well enjoy it. The chemistry on screen is tepid at best, but could put her in the right mood, if you know what I mean.
Man on a Ledge later today, so look for that review tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I have some thoughts on the Academy nominations and might blog some about them later this week. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Grey Movie Review
Survivor Man just got real.
So my little “Choose Dave’s Adventure” contest ended in an exact tie, with one vote cast for The Grey and one vote cast for One for the Money (by my best friend, whom I think is screwing with me). However, I was feeling like crap and opted to cast the tiebreaker in the direction that would cause me the least pain.
Overall this movie was very good, at least in a couple very specific directions. I don’t know what kind of pain Liam Neeson (the Phantom Menace, Shindler’s List, Taken) has experienced in his life to allow him to project so much darkness all over the screen, but it must have been pretty heavy. No one else can project so much pain and despair combined with anger and gritty realism. He carries the movie entirely on his back, with a support cast of disposable heroes along give him a framework upon which to showcase suffering.
Before I get much deeper into this, let me say that if you have any kind of deep seated fear of plane crashes, being eaten by wild animals, or freezing to death in the Alaskan tundra than this is probably not the movie for you. This movie shows these deaths in a manner that makes you feel like it is you who is getting disemboweled. I will call this a credit to the director, Joe Carnahan (A-Team, Narc, Smokin’ Aces), and say 
further that this movie is far, far scarier to watch than any film about a goofy supernatural hockey mask wearing maniac risen from the dead to kill teenagers with a chainsaw (Friday the 13th image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category). The fact that these deaths not only could happen but actually have makes them far more graphic and horrible.
Let me also give myself a self congratulatory pat on the back for my prediction about this movie, that there was some factor making the wolves unusually aggressive, being more or less true. Feel free to call me the movie Nostradamus.
In the movie, Liam Neeson plays John Ottway, a sharpshooter hired by an oil company to shoot wolves, bears, and such in order to keep the oil workers safe. He is plagued by his wife leaving him and suffers from suicidal thoughts. He boards a plane for Anchorage which goes down for unexplained reasons (ice buildup on the wings is implied, but never confirmed. Nor does it really need to be). The plane crashing scene is as horrific and realistic as possible without actually throwing the theater you are sitting in down a cliff and setting it on fire. He and six others manage to survive relatively intact and set up a camp in order to not freeze to death. That night they encounter a pack of timber wolves who attack and kill one of them. Don’t make the mistake of seeing these wolves as being like dogs, by the way. They are huge and scary like nothing you have seen before. Anyway, they decide they need to get out of the area before they freeze to death or get eaten. Thus the long trek through the frozen woods begins, with member after member of the party dying with standard regularity, usually just after we learned more about them and got to like them. I want to give props to director Joe Carnahan for managing to make the audience really identify with and like his characters before killing them off. The fact that they were all gritty oil workers rather than vacuous teeny bopper contributed to that.
That’s pretty much the entirely of the movie. I don’t want to give any spoilers but want to say this movie was really, really scary (making the life of the loner movie critic going solo to see this stuff that much harder. I was seeing a lot of wolves out of the corner of my eye as I headed out to the car).
The stars. Liam Neeson was awesome. Two stars. Most of the rest of the cast was really great too. One star. Scary, scary movie. Two stars. The wolf CGI was very good. One star. The director managed to make me connect with pretty much every character before killing him off. One star. Overall he also managed to keep the tension ratcheted up to eleven on a continuous basis. One star. As long as you aren’t terrified of plane crashes or wolves, an excellent movie. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. One of the support characters seemed a little over the top (although he got cool towards the end) and was sort of bugging. One black hole. The pacing, which seemed spot on for most of the movie, really slowed down in the last 20 minutes. One black hole. SPOILER ALERT I don’t want to spoil this movie in any way, but if you are clever you might be able to infer something from this next point so maybe you want to skip to the next paragraph. The entire movie seemed to be pushing towards some kind of meta message about things happening for a reason and the hand of God creating fate, only to prove that there was no reason of any of the stuff that happened in this film. I left the theater with a distinct feeling of “What point was the director trying to make?” in my head. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
So a grand total of seven stars. A really good movie, if you want scary. I think the camera work warrants a big screen, so try to see it in a theater if possible. Not a good date movie, in my opinion. There is nothing going on here that will inflame your her passion, unless she is turned on by gritty middle aged men wearing six layers of clothing (in which case, after you fail with her send her my way).
A little shorter than I would like, but I really am feeling like crap and think I am going to go crawl back into bed. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If I wake up with enough energy I will probably go see One for the Money, which I expect to suck like nothing ever seen before in this universe or the three universes next to us. Feeling this bad will probably hone my bitter sarcasm to the point that I will either write the best negative review ever or just spew a bunch of random words and letters all over the screen. Talk to you soon.
Dave
This Weekends Movies.
Things are looking really busy this weekend, with three new movies on my must see list. I will see one a day for the next three days, and review each in turn the next morning. I offer to you, my beloved readers, the chance to help determine what order I should see them in. If there is a movie upcoming that you are interested in but would like my humble opinion early on speak now via comment here or Twitter. Your choices are:
The Grey-Liam Neeson and a bunch of disposable heroes land in the frozen North and have to escape while being hunted by a pack of wolves. I can only hope he is forced to eat his fellow passengers to survive. My prediction is that there turns out to be some kind of external influence causing the wolves to be unusually aggressive.
Man on a Ledge-I consider it both an insult to my intelligence and a warning sign of incoming suck when the movie description (not a review) calls this movie “heart pounding”. I have a feeling these descriptions are actually written by the marketing department for the film itself. The more they hype it the more it probably needs hyping. My prediction: so little heart pounding that I will be checking my pulse in order to make sure I haven’t accidentally passed away during the show. Man stands on a ledge in order to distract from his friends trying to steal a $40MM diamond in order to prove his innocence. Is it so much to ask that a movie premise make sense? I mean, does every crime in a movie have to be for some noble purpose? Would it not be enough to simply say “A guy stands on a ledge in order to distract from his friends stealing a $40MM diamond which they intend to sell and use the money to buy stuff”? Seems to make a lot more sense to me.
One for the Money-if your intention is to screw with my head vote for this one. A super hot girl is desperate for cash and decides to become Dog the Bounty Hunter. Apparently she is going after her ex boyfriend. My predictions: a lot of “girl too dainty to do anything all of a sudden kicks a guy in the balls and discovers she enjoys the feeling of power and regained self worth”; a highly improbably series of luck allows her to exceed the performance of one or more much more experienced bounty hunters; and finally she catches her ex only to discover she has feelings for him. These feeling either motivate her to let him go, or he is able to exploit her feelings in order to trick her and get away in the last five minutes. (Protect your Nuts image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
So make a comment here of hit me up on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Given the actual number of responses I get from these things the first person to hit me up will probably be casting the deciding vote. First review should be up tomorrow. Thanks everyone for reading. Have a great day
Dave
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Review
Extremely Depressing and Incredibly Painful
I am going to start this review with a lesson from my upcoming book “How to Make Movies that Don’t Suck”. The lesson is this: no matter how good the story, acting, direction, filming, or editing is, if you make the movie about 9-11 then the biggest American tragedy of the 21st century is going to overwhelm the story and plot in a depressing gloom and actually annoy the hell out of your audience. It’s like if you set out the world’s finest buffet table, with sushi, caviar, and all the best foods possible, set it out on a table covered with flowers, fine china, and a silk tablecloth, but then dead center put a big platter of dog feces. No matter how good the food may be, the very fact that it sat on a table with dog crap is going to put a lot of people off even touching it. Furthermore, when someone looks at your beautiful buffet their eyes will be drawn to the crap in the middle and they will want to look away. Some people might start on one end of the buffet and not notice the dog crap until halfway through, but as soon as they see it the food they have collected will end up left untouched on the credenza, while others will have been chased from the room by the smell wafting through the air alone.
Thus we come to Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, a movie about a troubled kid dealing with his dad dying on 9-11. I am not actually saying that this movie is the greatest buffet of all time except for the dog crap salad at the center. It has plenty of other issues, most related to pacing, but I can see what director Stephen Daldry (The Hours, Billy Elliot, The Reader) was trying to accomplish. However, it does have elements that in a movie without the dog crap centerpiece would have made for an excellent cinema experience.
The funny thing is at first I thought this movie was treating 9-11 as a main issue without forcing the audience to sit through it, to it’s benefit. The death of the father was related via expository scenes rather than footage of the Twin Towers falling. However, as the movie progresses through a never ending Vortex of Flashbacks we are subjected to everything from that day I never wanted to see or hear about again. I don’t even want to talk about it here. I watched all that stuff live on TV and still get the chills.
The story is basically As Good as it Gets meets Stand by Me set in the City of Lost Children. Tom Hanks plays super dad to his highly intelligent but disturbed kid Oskar (no other real credits). They play games and Tom’s character Thomas likes to give his son puzzles like a scavenger hunt to solve. Thomas dies in one of the towers and the kid has a breakdown of sorts. He finds a key in his dad’s possession and decides it must be part of the last game Thomas was setting up for him. He blows off his mother (Sandra Bullock-she is excellent in this movie, BTW) in a big way and undergoes an OCD inspired quest to find what lock the key fits into. Along the way he meets a ton of people, deals with his own phobias and issues, alienates his long suffering mother, and meets up with a creepy older man (Max von Sydow-Minority Report, Shutter Island, the Exorcist) who is mute and writes everything down on a piece of paper. The plot plods on and on like me trying to push my ’79 T-Bird to the gas station, with lots of boring non productive scenes punctuated by temper tantrums from the kid. The kid in a weird way describes a perfect character arc. At the beginning of the movie I found him painfully annoying. Towards the middle I kind of really got to like him and his eccentric ways. Then towards the end I found him really annoying again.
The story is obviously about the character development in the kid, and in it’s own way does an admirable (if boring) job of portraying it. The problem is the 9-11 basis for the story so overshadows everything else that you really couldn’t care. I will say the story managed to not step in any other major quagmires. While the ending was a little fanciful it did not really bend my mind accepting it. The acting was very good, and the dialog decent. If the story had been about about a kid dealing with his dad dying in a tragic Segway accident it would have been a decent, if slow, movie.
The stars. Acting was decent all around, although in spite of getting top billing Tom Hanks was only in about 15 minutes of the film and more or less played a grown up version of Josh Baskin from Big. I thought Sandra Bullock did a particularly good job. Two stars. For the most part I liked the characters, especially the mute old man. One star. The movie did what movies should at least try to do: actually have a character show some form of development (for most of you directors out there this phenomenon is called “character development”) and truly describe a true story arc. One star. Overall of a quality I wish more filmmakers would aspire to. Two stars. Total: six stars.
The black holes. 9-11 based story. Two black holes. The story kept coming back to 9-11. One black hole. Pacing felt like my mother was driving the movie. Sluggish and boring. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
So a total of two stars. I honestly did not want to see this film when I saw the trailers, and only “professional” obligations got me into the theater. Now that I have seen it I know I was right in that assessment. If you think enough time has passed and you are not disturbed by images and stories set on 9-11 then by all means go see it. 
You will probably enjoy it, but you won’t be invited to any of the wild parties I throw on a regular basis (the last one was in 1998, I think. Party like a Vulcan image courtesy of the Spock T Shirt category). I think the acting will carry this movie if you can ignore the subject matter. The kid is talented, and Tom Hangs and Sandra Bullock have a good chemistry together (I thought so when I reviewed Larry Crowne). However, overall the entire movie was pretty much a bummer.
Thanks for reading, as always. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Nothing really on deck until Friday, so I think I will take a break and let Jason post more of his short rants. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Haywire Movie Review
Maybe I’m just not cut out to review spy movies.
This is the second spy movie in a row that I spent a lot of asking what the hell was going on. However, in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy the complexity was the result of a poor adaptation of what is reportedly a great, complex spy novel aggravated by the fact that everyone in the movie looked the same. In Haywire it feels like they just added complexity to give an otherwise simple story a thin veneer of sophistication.
Here’s how I define good movie complexity verses bad movie complexity. Good movie complexity has you pulled in and intrigued by the cleverness of the action. Bad movie complexity is when you find yourself asking “Why didn’t they just…and win?” This movie generates it’s complexity by not explaining anything to the audience ever and adding layer after layer of bad guys who appear on screen long enough have you wondering who the hell the are and how they got involved in all this and then vanish into the void.
That’s not to say this movie is bad. I was really impressed by newcomer Gina Carano (Ring Girls, American Gladiators, Blood and Bone). She is an accomplished MMA fighter and it shows in the action sequences. It is amazing how good fight scenes are when you don’t resort to doing .5 to 1.5 second cut sequences in order to make up for the remarkable inadequacies of the actors martial skills and/or the lack of a qualified fight choreographer. Each of the fight scenes was brutal, cool, and believable without being over the top. Gina shows her skills and manages to use techniques that seem to make up for the fact that she is fighting against guys who weigh 100lbs more than her. I was also really impressed by her acting ability. Coming from the MMA world you wouldn’t think acting was a honed skill but she seems to have some.
The problems with this movie are twofold. The first being the unnecessary levels of pointless complexity for complexity’s sake. The second is the movie was flat for it’s entirety, at least for me. There never seemed to be any kind of buildup or climax. The pacing was as regular as a metronome. Fight-coffee-fight-drive-fight-phone call-fight-shoot guys-fight-meeting-fight-spy stuff-fight. There is no moment I can pinpoint as the climax, introduction, or conclusion. There are no acts in this movie. It’s like a 93 minute steady 3.4 Ricter scale earthquake. Enough to to feel (or, as we say in California, enough to stir your coffee) but not enough to excite you.
I am not going to get into the story too much as it is a spy/mystery one, but let me say none of it really caught me by surprise. The story is of a ex Marine (Mallory-the aforementioned Gina Carano. I anticipate seeing her in other roles soon) who works for a private mercenary spy company (?). She is sent off on a mission and ends up being betrayed in a plot so complex Tolkien would have trouble following it. She tells the story flashback style to a hapless goof (Michael Angarano-Sky High, Almost Famous, Red State) she sort of carjacks after beating the hell out of her former partner Aaron (Channing Tatum-Step Up, the Eagle, Dear John) in a crappy diner. Her former employer Kenneth (Ewan McGregor-Star Wars prequils, Trainspotting, Big Fish) is after her. Somehow two other guys played by Michael Douglas (Falling Down, the Game, Basic Instinct) and Antonio Banderas (Desperado, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Zorro) are involved, and she runs into a fellow mercenary/spy played by Michael Fassbender (X-Men First Class, Inglorious Basterds, 300) who gets sucked into the complexity.
Anyway, spy action hijinks ensues. Guys get their asses beaten by a girl (a kick ass girl). People get shot. Not a lot of explosions, which I thought was cool. The completely even keel movie motors its way to a completely even keel ending.
The stars. Excellent fight sequences, with a bonus star for not making me suspend my disbelief too much. Three stars. Gina Carano was good, and shows a lot of talent. One star. 
A really good cast of extremely talented actors with a lot of nerd cred, including the great Bill Paxton (“Game over, man! Game over!” Alien image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) as Mallorys father. One star. Decent camera work. The people on this film know how to shoot fights. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. Overly complicated for no reason. Two black holes. In spite of being an action film, the tick-tock pacing never actually had me excited. Two black holes. As I wrote this review I had to struggle to remember the plot or any of my relevant points. Forgetability is never a good thing in a movie (although in truth there are several that I wish I could forget (cough cough Lucas cough cough)). One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A total of one star, and yet another bland middle of the road film. 2012 has not really started off great for films. The problem I am really having with this film is it’s another one that had all the elements to be one of the greatest spy movies of the last 10 years. Excellent action, excellent cast, massive potential. However, the truth is in the execution and this movie fell apart in the editing room, in my opinion. Too bad.
Sorry for the short, kind of boring review but these middle of the road films tend to leave me lacking in inspiration. If you want something really entertaining you have to give me a movie that is either really good or really bad to sink my teeth into. Bland films result in bland review, I guess. Thanks for reading. Still a ton of movies to see, and tonight is $5 night, so look for something tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Underworld Awakening 3D Movie Review
At least they don’t glitter in sunlight.
So last night I saw Underworld Awakening in 3D. In fact I saw it on IMAX, which I consider a true test of what I think my time is worth. You see, in order to watch a regular price show I would have had to sit around bored for over an hour. I have always believed that my time is worth more than $7 an hour, so I sprang for the ticket at full price. I also have a liking for the entire Underworld series and wanted to give it the best opportunity to present itself.
Good or bad? Sort of. Kate Beckinsale is back and looking as hot as ever. The action is honestly weaker than any of the previous movies in my opinion. Still decent and exciting, but kind of rote and formulaic. The problems really arise in the plot and pacing. 
The story progresses at warp speed (Enterprise image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category), leaving a messy chum of plot holes, unanswered questions, and highly questionable motivations in its wake. I really feel that a ton of expository footage ended up on the cutting room floor, which is a shame as the entire movie felt criminally short at a lousy 88 minutes. No one would have begrudged Swedish directors Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein an extra 15-20 minutes of screen time to flesh out the plot a little and give us a reason to care about anyone.
The two directors don’t have a lot of film experience and seem to be more well known for their TV work. This actually makes a lot of sense, as the pacing seems very 2 part TV show-ish. In fact, since most hour shows usually go 40-42 minutes than 88 minutes makes a lot of sense. When you have to fit into a specific time limit you learn to be economical with your development scenes. However, someone should tell them that the only limit cinema movies really has is how long an audience will sit in a seat. Some movies actually have been know to go well over two hours.
Anyway, the story is (once again) about the never ending war between Lycans and Vampires. Given what we learned about the start of the war in the last movie I have to say my sympathy more soundly resides with the Lycans, but they don’t have super hot Deathdealers in leather body suits so I guess I will let it pass. The twist in this film is humans have discovered both races and more or less hunted them into extinction using ammo specifically designed to kill them. Anyway, in a scene so blatantly ripped off from the first Resident Evil movie they might as well have called Selene Alice Selene wakes up from a frozen cryo tube in a laboratory. For some reason (the first example of “what the hell were they thinking?” plot holes) the scientists studying her felt the need to keep her leather outfit in the exact same lab for the last 12 years. She has been frozen and incommunicado for those 12 years while the humans destroyed all her old friends and enemies. She managed to gut a bunch of guards with a scalpel in about 1/4 of a second, which raises the question of if this is what vampires can do how did humans ever wipe them out even with magic bullets? Anyway, her love interest in the movie before last, the vampire/Lycan hybrid Michael, is missing and she wants to find him. She seems to have some kind of mental connection with someone she assumes to be him but actually turns out to be her 12 year old daughter (wait a minute. I might buy into the idea that she was impregnated before being captured (which actually raises a ton of other questions), but do they really expect me to believe that while in a freezer she managed to carry a child to term, give birth to it, regain her pre-pregnancy shape and athletic ability, and somehow has no memory of it?). Anyway, she meets up with another vampire (Theo James-the Inbetweeners Movie, Bedlam, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger) who for no apparent reason knows who she is and wants to help her. He leads her to a hidden coven led by a guy who looks almost exactly like Phillip but isn’t (Charles Dance-Alien, Last Action Hero, Swimming Pool). Lycans attack and the girl gets recaptured by the scientist experimenting on her (Stephen Rae-V for Vendetta, Crying Game). At that point the whole humans hunting vampires story is more or less dropped for the remainder of the film. A human cop decides to help Selene for no discernible reason. Vampire on Lycan hijinks ensues. Stuff gets blown up. Cars get thrown around. The lead in for the next movie is crammed down our throats.
The stars. Vampires and Lycans who do what they are supposed to do, not sparkle in daylight. One star. Kate Beckinsale looking pretty hot. One star. Some of the action was palatable. Two stars. There was a nice merging of the Gothic vampire world with a dystopian slightly futuristic society. One star. Two bonus stars for the fact that I kind of enjoyed the film without being able to put my finger on why. Seven stars total.
The black holes. Plot holes bigger than the IMAX screen I was looking at. One black hole. A complete failure to give us anything in the way of an explanation of what was actually going on. One black hole. A complete lack of motivation from anyone to do anything. What was the villain trying to accomplish? Why did the other vampire help Selene? Why did the cop join up with her? The list goes on and on. One black hole. A lack of consistency in the powers that vampires or Lycans have. One minute Selene is running down a corridor and killing guys so fast they can’t even follow her, the next she is struggling to keep up with a moderately fast moving car. One black hole. The CGI was about as good as you will see on True Blood and the 3D was completely non existent for the majority of the film. Thanks for the headache and souvenir glasses. One black hole. A lot of the action kind of used cheesy camera angles and off camera shooting to create a fake feeling sequence. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of one star. Kind of mediocre. The decision to see it or not really depends on the individual. If you are the type to enjoy mindless action and blood, like vampires, have a thing for Kate Beckinsale, or just want to kill an afternoon without involving the majority of your brain cells then by all means see it on a big screen. If you find lame plot holes aggravating and can’t stomach a film that fails to provide you with any insight into what any of the characters are actually thinking than bail. Date movie? Probably not. Too much blood.
By the way, I didn’t give them a black hole for this but if you think the movie got it’s R rating for any kind of nudity or language prepare to be disappointed. It’s all about the blood on this one. Honestly it felt more PG-13 to me except for a few graphic gut scenes.
Thanks for reading. I’m seeing Haywire tonight so look for that review tomorrow. Busy weekend for movies. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Red Tails Movie Review
Ha ha ha Lucas you fail again.
All you regular readers should have figured out by now that I have a very large axe to grind with George Lucas for ruining a cherished childhood memory of mine, Star Wars (Stormtrooper image courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirt category). If you don’t understand how he did this, or are to young or dumb to realize how much of an amazing epic the Empire Strikes Back is, then I suggest you spend some time at Red Letter Media checking out the Plinkett Star Wars review for Episodes I-III. I have come to the conclusion that while Lucas has claimed responsibility for Episodes IV-VI, the talented people who actually made the movies what they are were fired after EOS was made, leaving us with freaking Ewoks as a predecessor to the eventual doom manifested in many ways but mostly in the form of Jar Jar Binks.
So it would be fair to say that I went into this movie looking for reasons to trash it, but fortunately for me I didn’t have to look hard. The suck reasons are varied and many, and we will get into them in detail shortly, but while this movie may or may not be a commercial success it is definitely riding the short bus to movies. What gives me even more enjoyment of this failure is Lucas had all the elements to make a truly amazing film: a star studded and talented cast, an amazing true story to work with, and stunning CGI effects. All this and the movie still sucks.
Before we get to much farther into this dog let me say that I am a big proponent of civil rights advancement, and have great admiration for the men of the Tuskegee training program. Theirs is a truly amazing story, and one deserving of a truly amazing film. Unfortunately their story fell into the hands of George Lucas, who is to good movies what thalidomide is to pregnancy.
The movie is, of course, the story of the Tuskagee airmen the first group of African American pilots during WWII who fought with honor and pride against the Germans. It tells of Col. A.J. Bullard (Terence Howard-Iron Man, Hustle & Flow, Four Brothers) struggling with the brass in the newly built Pentagon in the face of rampant racism and negative stereotypes. Meanwhile unit commander Maj. Emanuelle Stance (Cuba Gooding Jr.-As Good as it Gets, Men of Honor, Jerry McGuire) leads the gang as they start out flying regular patrols well in the rear with outdated aircraft, eventually getting to support a landing and finally flying bomber escorts. He and his crew are punched out of the stereotype paper doll book: there’s the squad leader struggling with alcoholism (Nate Parker-The Great Debaters, the Secret Life of Bees, Felon), the hotshot rogue pilot who can’t obey orders and is constantly on the prowl for women (David Oyelowo-Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the Help, The Last King of Scotland), the younger pilot struggling to prove himself to the veterans (Tristen Wilds-the Secret Life of Bees, 90210 (2008), Half Nelson), the religious nut, the joker (named Joker-anyone remember Full Metal Jacket?), and a couple of country bumpkins. They each have a sub plot and story that does nothing, goes no where, and actually hurts the movie (especially the romance story so worthless and crowbarred it felt like a big weighty dumb story forced into a movie. Hey, I can’t be the king of analogies every day). Each one is an anchor even heavier than the one preceding.
It has been often said that George Lucas is not an actors director, and I don’t think it has ever been more apparent than in this movie. In spite of working with some of the most talented professionals in Hollywood he somehow managed to get them all to act like they were each passing a golf ball sized kidney stone. This combined with dialog that compares favorably only to a flesh eating virus makes each non flying scene feel like being smothered under a burning mattress. The antagonists were even worse. A blatantly racist commanding officer (Bryan Cranston-Malcolm in the Middle and one of my personal favorites, Breaking Bad) was so over the top it was laughable, and the evil German pilot (Lars van Riesen-A Brunette Kiss, Private Peaceful, the Parachute Ball) was laughable cartoonish with lines taken from the Ming the Merciless catchy one liner phrasebook (“Die, you foolish African!”). I guess Lucas can’t do a movie without a goofy fake character with dumb lines.
As for the racism, it was painfully drummed into our heads for the first half of the movie and then somehow just evaporated in the second half. I know Lucas is trying to do something for African Americans (possibly to make up for all the heat he got for racist stereotype Jar Jar) but Spike Lee he is not.
I will say the time spent showing the action in the air was exciting in the same way the dog fights in Star Wars were fun. The CGI was flawless and only once did I see a flight sequence I know for a fact was literally impossible. The one thing Lucas can do is CGI, and he does use it here. However, for every minute spent in the air with exciting combat you spend like five on the ground grinding through some god awful character development.
The stars. I’ll give one star for the cast, especially Cuba Gooding Jr., although he spent the entire movie with a big dumb pipe in his mouth like he was Gen. Douglas MacArthur. What exactly was that supposed to add? One star. The story of the Tuskagee airmen is one that deserves to be told. Two stars. Decent fight sequences and CGI effects. One star. WWII movie. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. Acting ran like a chewing the scenery contest. One black hole. Dialog that made listening to drunk guys debate politics sound good. One black hole. Characters so flaccid and ill developed I really didn’t care if and when any of them died. I wasn’t hoping they would die. I just couldn’t worry about them. One black hole. Each sub plot that slowed the story down. One black hole. Very few of the sub plots actually had a conclusion or, for that matter, a point. One black hole. A bonus black hole for the romance sub plot, which pretty much led to the most obvious ending in the history of war movies. One black hole. Pacing and editing from hell. Stuff jumped around in a fast/slow/fast method that made me want to scream. One black hole. At one point Lucas felt the need to channel Hogan’s Hero’s and include a POW escape plot that did absolutely nothing but add in some more worthless ground crap. One black hole. While the African American pilots were heroes of the sky, the portrayal of the Caucasian pilots make them looks like a bunch of undisciplined cowboys, not really reflecting well on the Army Air Corps. One black hole. The scar faced German pilot turned the movie into a comedy. One black hole. The instantaneous reversal of bigotry in such a pat and worthless manner (not so much a resolution as Lucas got bored portraying it and decided to drop the whole thing). One black hole. The film suffered from the war movie “We bought a tank, we are going to show a tank” syndrome. In other words, every scene’s background was so packed with jeeps, trucks, tents, planes, and more jeeps you couldn’t see the ground. One black hole. Some fairly grievous plot holes (If the guys were flying patrols well behind friendly lines, how then did they come across a German train?). One black hole. Total: thirteen black holes.
So a grand total of eight black holes. I feel pretty good about that. The movie, in spite of the great subject matter, was out and out dumb. Of course, the theater was packed and apparently it did pretty well for it’s opening weekend. Odds are very likely that the film will do fine and Lucas will never read this review or if he did even care. He is still rich beyond my biggest dreams. Still, I do feel a bit of satisfaction for this piece of tilting at windmills. I can see why Don Quixote did it. Should you see it? If you like airplanes and combat sure. If you want to somehow support the cause of 1944 Civil Rights sure. If you like good acting, direction, and story telling or want to join me in not supporting Lucas in any way then you should not (incidentally he plans to re release the entire Star Wars franchise in 3D one at a time. I am starting a campaign to not go see any of these and ask you all to join me. Don’t support this. Besides, we all know post production 3D sucks. Don’t fall for the hype)
By the way, Lucas has announced after finishing this dog he was going to retire from film making. I am of two thoughts on this concept. On the one hand I found myself singing “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” while doing a little dance in my office chair. On the other hand I kept thinking to myself “Why didn’t the house fall on the witch fourteen years ago before she made the Phantom Menace?” I do wish him a happy and relaxing retirement, with lots of sitting a beach somewhere not working on any of those pesky scripts or anything.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. By the way, you will be seeing a lot of smaller posts by my guy Jason, who works for me and is going to be looking for interesting nerd stuff to post about. Basically these long blog posts actually don’t serve the purpose this blog was created for and I need him to make it actually work. He seems sharp enough. Look for my Underworld review tomorrow. Talk to you soon.
Dave
