How the government can help with unemployment and possibly fix the economy.
So something came up and I didn’t see a movie last night. I don’t really have anything on deck right now, and thought I might share some thoughts I have had recently regarding our current economic situation.
I normally don’t get political, but like most Americans have been worried about what we are doing with our economy and do believe that if you don’t do what you can to fix a situation than you deserve the results. I am also not any kind of expert in economics or politics, but I work alone, and therefore have a lot of time to think. I have come up with a plan that I believe has the duel benefit of helping people in our struggling economy and helping companies as well, thus resulting in an idea that should appeal to both sides of the political water, if for different reasons. (Ben Franklin image courtesy of the Political T Shirt category).
The problem we have had with the stimulus money is that (obviously) it went to people who don’t actually stimulate anything. Banks are not exactly lining up on my site to buy t-shirts, and as they keep sending jobs overseas it really doesn’t do much at all. Sure, some decent construction jobs were handed out, but the problem is those are all temporary situations. Eventually the bridge will get finished and all those guys will be out of work again.
What we need is stimulus into jobs where Americans actually manufacture stuff and then that stuff gets sold to other Americans. Sure, we tried that with cars by bailing out some incompetent care manufacturers, but no one I know is looking to buy a new car. The jobs we need are the ones that make all the little widgets that are current being mass produced overseas, mostly in China. Electronics, consumer goods, novelty items; you name it, our country used to make it and the companies making them made a profit. Why don’t we still do these sorts of things? Well, the obvious answers are corporate greed in an increasingly competitive market. However, the underlying reason is cost of labor. Americans just cost too much to hire and pay. As a country our workforce has priced themselves out of the job market and are therefore now unemployed.
So what is the answer? Glad you asked. What I would do if I were president and Congress (or had some kind of mind control device) is I would create a program called the General Labor Pool. Similar in theory to the labor programs started by President Roosevelt during the other Depression, the difference would be that anyone on unemployment insurance would actually be enrolled in this program and be required to report for work for however many hours a week was deemed appropriate. Not a full 40, as this would allow them time to look for work. But instead of sweeping up public buildings and the like, the people in the General Labor Pool would be hired out to private companies at significant labor discounts.
You see, instead of paying the unemployment insurance to the individual people, the money would be sent to any company hiring them to offset the cost of their wages. This idea has many benefits.
1. The companies participating would get a ready pool of employees at rates that would make it economically feasible to manufacture (or phone support, etc) here in the US rather than overseas. Furthermore, as labor is usually the number one cost to most companies this would give them the ability and incentive to actually grow and hire even more (previously unemployed) people.
2. The formally unemployed people would actually be making more money than they would be while unemployed, allowing them to buy things like shoes and clothes, thus supporting floundering retail business in local communities, and thus allowing those retailers to hire more people and place orders for more goods, hopefully manufactured by other recently rehired Americans.
3. People would be working, and not sitting around getting depressed and watching TV.
4. Since we are paying unemployment insurance anyway, it really doesn’t cost us anything. It’s more like a job placement fee.
Once the unemployment runs out there might have to be some kind of other incentive to keep people employed. However, if the company let go of the people every three months and hired more people from the same company, would that be so bad? Working for three months is not a bad deal, and odds are there will be another company looking to hire that same person through the same program.
Look, I’m probably some kind of idiot and there are probably 100 reasons why this plan won’t work, but to be honest I don’t really see any of them. It all seems pretty obvious to me. It helps the working person, so Democrats should be happy. It helps companies, so Republicans should be happy. If you can think of a reason why it wouldn’t work feel free to post a reply here. If you can think of a reason it would work do the same, and maybe write your Congressman.
Thanks for reading my plan. I promise tomorrow I will be back on the humorous movie reviews, with a full frontal charge at the newest Twilight movie. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
J Edgar Movie Review
Do you like brooding? Than this is the movie for you.
I am a fan of Clint Eastwood movies. I think he is a talented movie director who gets the most out of his actors, whom he has cast with expert precision. That being said, I don’t think J Edgar was his best effort.
To be sure, it is entertaining, and Leonardo DiCaprio (Inception, Titanic. Titanic image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category) delivers a stellar performance, with excellent dialog, supporting cast, and visuals that transport you back to the periods in question. The problem is I felt I was watching two different movies at the same time. The first one was a History Channel documentary about the creation of the FBI with no real connection from period event to period event. The second was a character study of a miserably closeted megalomaniac who let his obsession with Communists rule his life. The movie started out more documentary and in time shifted more towards the character study, but finished up floundering around looking for an ending more tangible than “and then he died and was dead happily ever after.”
This was not a feel good movie in any way. For the most part all the main characters are miserable throughout the film, especially Hoover, and the documentary of the FBI makes a lot of American history look dark, and even manages to cast aspersion onto some of the great triumphs of the FBI. I actually applaud this dedication to the art of movie making, rather than the art of creating worthless pap for the mindless consumption of the American population. However, know going in that you will likely not come out feeling any better when the credits roll.
The story is, of course, the history of the FBI as told from the perspective of the founder, J Edgar Hoover. It goes through founding as a branch of the Department of Justice and highlights some of the more infamous cases, particularly the Lindbergh baby. It details how Hoover got the Bureau started, and each step of the steady increase of power they enjoyed. During the course of the movie we see details of his paranoia regarding Communists, his need for acknowledgement and adulation, and most significantly his lifelong suppression of his true sexuality. This was most strongly manifested with his relationship with his best friend Clyde Tolson (Arnie Hammer-the Social Network) who was also deep in the closet. It is also reflected in his relationship with his spinster assistant Helen Gandy (Naomi Watts-King Kong, the Ring, Mulholland Drive) and his controlling mother (Judi Dench-Quantum of Solace, Casino Royale).
Don’t get me wrong. This movie was good in many ways, and an order of magnitude better than most these days. The problem is the fact that it views like reading someones diary. Each chapter is almost a complete story in and of itself, with the overriding theme being repressed homosexuality. That self imposed repression turns into the worst part about this movie, as you sit there willing any person on screen to do anything at all to make themselves happy. It tends to make the movie very frustrating to watch.
The stars. The acting from everyone, especially Leonardo DiCaprio, was excellent. Three stars. Good dialog with effective direction and filming. One star. Very much in period. You really feel like you are in the 30’s, especially when Hoover takes over the smoking lounge for his crime lab and one of the evicted agents asks “Where shall we smoke?”. One star. No attempt was made to “happy up” the ending in order to suit the tastes of the unwashed masses. One star. The story was a very interesting piece of American history. One star. A detailed character study and illustration of the stress and frustration of not accepting your own sexuality. One star. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. Frustrating. One black hole. The whole documentary style story telling thing. One black hole. The ending felt horribly unresolved and incomplete. In spite of going 137 minutes the film felt about 15 minutes short. One black hole. There were a few points where the pacing seemed to drag on. A heavier hand on the editing might have been called for. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
So a total of four stars. Not bad, but it could have been a lot better. I was actually expecting more from a Clint Eastwood film. It’s no Gran Torino. However, worth watching. I don’t know how it would do as a date film, unless you are gay, in which case you and your partner will probably leave the film with an overwhelming sense of gratitude that you are out. If you are a fan of 20th century American history I think you might well enjoy it. Worth seeing, but maybe wait for video.
After watching the upper crust of film making I think I need to lower my brain down, and will therefore see A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas this afternoon. Look for that review tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you later.
Dave
Jack and Jill Movie Review
So bad it could be considered a crime against humanity.
I know I went off on a huge “What happened to Adam Sandler’s career?” diatribe when I wrote my review for the Zookeeper, but really, what happened to Adam Sandler’s career? How did he go from the Waterboy, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and even serious comedies like Punch Drunk Love to playing, not a cop pretending to be a woman but an actual woman, and himself in a non funny piece of tripe laced with toxic humor that would embarrass a third grader? Is this what happens when comedians sell out? Is this what happened to Jay Leno? All great comedy is laced with tragedy, so maybe the comfort, success and wealth he has enjoyed has permanently damaged his ability to perceive funny. Either that or he fell off a ladder onto his head and this is what serious brain damage looks like.
I will say I did derive a certain amount of satisfaction from the fact that I totally expected it to suck, but based on the trailers any idiot could see that coming. That’s like seeing your dentist pull out the extra big drill and saying “this is going to suck”. However, even I was surprised at how deep the suckage delved. Odds are during the last year and a half of doing these review I have probably overused the phrase “praying for a merciful death”, but during this movie I was really hoping for the sweet kiss of oblivion, or at least a nice restful coma.
What’s really sad is it not that it’s totally bad, but that it’s not totally bad. By that I mean if it was just so bad it was actually comical I could sit back and enjoy how bad it was, like Killer Klowns from Outer Space (Klowns image courtesy of the horror movie t shirt category). No, instead we get ghostly images of a decent film. Kind of like seeing a good foundation in a house that is rotting apart and build on a toxic waste dump. There are a few funny moments (mostly involving any of the secondary characters). Al Pacino (more on his participation in the bomb later) was entertaining. The kids were cute and the adopted Indian one was amusing (Elodie Tougne and Rohan Chand. I hope the fact that this movie was each their first role doesn’t relegate them both to reality TV hell). Katie Holmes player her typical bland, no personality supporting wife but does it well and is easy on the eyes. There were a couple other sub plots and minor characters that had potential. But these elements are like small pockets of air you suck on while trapped under the ice, desperately looking for the ice hole.
The thing (literally) that dominated every moment of the film and you dread seeing throughout it is Sandler’s female character, Jill. She is gross, shrill, whiny, repulsive, and in all ways so fake looking and sounding that she sucks whatever talent or decent dialog is flying around the screen into a black hole that nothing returns from. I liken her character to a parasitic worm that bores its way into your head through your ear hole and spends 91 minutes eating tunnels through your brain, stimulated the occasional pain center or muscle spasm while steadily diminishing your intellectual capacity.
Let me make sure I have explained the character of Jill accurately enough. It’s like if a once talented comedian created an otherwise inoffensive romantic comedy and then, at the last minute, made one of the main characters a walking turd monster. Not a cute one like Mr. Hanky, but an actual, human sized creature made of excrement with arms, legs, and a mouth, and then had everyone else act like it did not look, smell, or feel like crap. Then he gave it a voice that made fingernails on a chalkboard sound like the sound of gentle rain and dialog that made you wish you never learned to understand English, or any other language for that matter. That is the character of Jill.
The weird question that kept rattling through my worm infested brain, however, was not what happened to Adam Sandler, or how any studio was dumb enough to green light this thing, or why there were two other people in the theater with me, but rather what kind of blackmail material must Adam Sandler have on Al Pacino to get him to agree to do this travesty? I mean, is Al that desperate to get on screen? Does he have a secret yearning to do comedy? Aren’t there 1,000,000,000 better scripts he could possibly work with? It’s one thing for an actor to take a role that make him look kind of like a twit. It’s another thing to take a role that kind of makes him look like a twit and give him a romantic interest that no human, man or woman, gay, straight, or anywhere in between, would ever have an interest in. Then, it’s an even bigger thing to take that twit role with the horrid love interest and play it AS HIMSELF! Yes, Al Pacino does not play a weird guy with issues and an interest in a drag queen that makes Divine look feminine. No, he plays Al Pacino with serious issues and an interest in Adam Sandler in a dress. I don’t think there is enough money in the world to make this worth his while. I am a lot less expensive to hire than Al Pacino, but there would have to be a lot of money in it for me to do something like tattoo “loser” across my forehead, which is what I see this role as doing for Al.
So, the movie. Jack and Jill are twins. Jill is everything I just described, plus a nice side helping of serious codependency issues. Jack is an obnoxiously rich and successful (again? Really?) owner of an ad agency that needs Al Pacino to whore himself out for Dunken Donuts. Jill is coming to town for Thanksgiving. She shows up, makes things uncomfortable for everyone (especially the audience), and leaves a Godzilla like path of destruction behind her. Jack and Jill (just putting those words together makes me want to forget that I ever went to kindergarten) have a fight, and in order to make it up to her Jack brings her to a Laker game that he knows Al Pacino is going to be at. Al blows him off, but meets Jill and falls head over heels in love with her. I really don’t want to get to much into the story, as it is giving me a series case of PTSD, but chaos ensues, lessons are learned, and endings are trite and happy.
The stars. Al Pacino was entertaining at times, especially when he was bitching out Jack on the phone. One star. That Indian kid was cute and responsible for most of the laughs. One star. That’s it. Two stars.
The black holes. Adam Sandler has created arguable the worst comedic character ever. Three black holes. I want to give a black hole for every time I wished I was in another theater or possibly another planet with no breathable atmosphere, but I didn’t keep track so I will cut it back to four black holes. Excrement and fart humor. One black hole. A comedy with nothing in it actually funny. Two black holes. Gratuitous product placement. One black hole. Some of the scenes that were supposed to be some kind of development really dragged on for no reason (the theater scene in particular). One black hole. A bunch of semi-cool minor characters and sub plots that disappeared after a couple scenes. One black hole. Miserable dialog. It seems the writers don’t know how to write anything that isn’t whining. One black hole. And finally, two more black holes for taking a five minute Saturday Night Live skit and stretching it into 91 minutes.
So a grand total of 14 black holes. I’m not even going try to be funny here. Please don’t see this film. The only way we can stop the deluge of of crap pouring out of Hollywood is to not support it in any way. This movie has to fail miserable, or we will see sequels and copies until our brains shrivel up and look like giant raisins. Now, if we could only get the foreign markets to stop supporting this drivel we might be able to make a difference.
By the way, for the record Rotten Tomatoes gave this dog a score of 4.7%. I didn’t think a movie could get so low. I thought it was more like the SATs where you get 400 points just for showing up.
Anyway, thanks for reading and sharing my pain. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I’m starting to thing about what I am going to do after the New Year. I want to do some kind of award series for best and worst movie, best gratuitous nude scene, worst action sequence, etc. I need a name for my award, like the Nerdy’s or something. If you have a suggestion post it here or Tweet me. I’m also taking suggestions for humorous award categories. Also, if any of you have a clue how I can start seeing movies before they come out legally (i.e. any studio people reading this and want to have me review your film etc) feel free to post, although after this review I don’t know if any studio will ever want me to see one of their films. I have given good scores too. I liked Tower Heist. I swear!
Dave
Movie Review: The Immortals 3D
This movie was actually shot in 3B. 3 beers and it looks pretty good.
Thank you Doug and Bob Mackenzie. So I haven’t done a lot of reviews lately mainly because I was broke all last week. On a completely unrelated note does anyone know how an amateur movie review can get free screenings from the studios or theaters? If you happen to have a clue let me know. However, yesterday was pay day and I celebrated by seeing the Immortals 3D, another Greek epic staring shirtless, chest hairless pretty boys and Mickey Roarke.
I can honestly say I wasn’t disappointed, mainly because I kind of expected it to suck. Yes, I know it was produced by Mark Canton, the producer of the 300, but he also produced Red Planet, Piranha 3D, and Jack Frost. Honestly, 300 is the only credit worth anything, and I didn’t see any other guys crossing over, so assuming lightning is going to strike twice for the same guy (without Frank Miller, by the way) is kind of like assuming you can remake the amazing tasting margarita you had last week when all you have is the ice. The trailers made it look more like another Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief than the 300, which it more or less was. The lack of an amazing, Frank Miller-esque story kind of turned all the rated R action into more of a joke than anything else (the only credit the writers have worth anything was the Royal Tenenbaums, but that doesn’t exactly scream epic battle movie).
(300 image courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
The movie was plague by issues. For a story that drove straight ahead like a freight train, it was shockingly lacking a point. The acting played out like a civil war in the Screen Actors Guild between the oppressive monotone Valium cartel and the plucky, scenery chewing over the top acting revolutionaries. The CGI scenery and backdrops looked like they were all photocopied from the pages of Heavy Metal magazine (there’s a 70/80’s nerd reference), and the 3D effects were laughable and actually hurt the visuals. Honestly, if you are going to make a 3D movie do us a favor and shoot it in 3D. Don’t 3D it up in post and charge me more money for a souvenir pair of headache inducing glasses.
Anyway, the story. I might go a little spoiler heavy here, so skip a couple paragraphs if that bothers you. Micky Roarke plays King Hyperion, the evil king of some country who is bent on destroying the gods for the death of his family. Ironically, in spite of the fact that he was supposed to be evil I found him to be the most appealing character, the one with the most development, and in the end the guy I was rooting for. At least he had a motivation I could relate to. He intends to do so by releasing the Titans, ancient enemy of the gods who are imprisoned in a BDSM cage. How he assumes an old enemy the gods beat once are going to kill them the second time around is beyond me, as is the motivation for the gods to keep the Titans alive after defeating them. Anyway, this is all foretold by the Virgin Oracle (Freida Pinto, the super hot veterinarian from Rise of the Planet of the Apes) and her three decoys. Anyway, Hyperion is tearing ass across Greece and about to come to a village nestled cozily into the side of a massive cliff. This is home of Thesius, the “hero” (played by Henry Caville, the next Superman in the upcoming Man of Steel where, is a shocking fit of originality, he goes toe to toe with General Zod). For the rest of this review I shall refer to Thesius as Blandy McBlanderson (Blandy son of Bland), as his acting, notability, and screen presence could not only put you to sleep but possibly induce a coma. He should have been a Navy Seal, as he so blends in with the scenery you completely forget he is on screen.
Anyway, Blandy is a bastard (literally) and lives in poverty with his mother in the cliff village. I normally talk about dues ex machina when I see the hand of God pushing the plot along, but in this movie the gods not only do what they can to help but have speaking and action rolls. Hyperion conquers the village, kills Blandys mother, and casts him into the salt mines or something. Meanwhile there is some kind of subplot involving Lysander (Joseph Morgan, from the Vampire Diaries), who betrays the Greeks and joins Hyperion only to be rewarded by being castrated and having most of his face torn off. It seems like there is something going to happen but then it just ends with no point. Blandy goes to work carrying beams and, like all filthy slaves, is allowed to drink from a beautiful, crystal clear fountain right next to the very beautiful Virgin Oracle, who is Hyperions prisoner. She is so valuable (she apparently knows where the magic bow that can release the Titans is located) that Hyperion assigns like three guys to watch her and the slaves in this one tower village. Naturally, they all escape. Greek battle hijinks ensues. The good guys somehow survive a tar tsunami. The Virgin Oracle gives it up to Blandy so fast it makes your eyes spin (as does the completely gratuitous nude scene. Ever seen a bare ass closeup on a screen 40 feet tall? Kind of weird, actually. Pretty sure it was a body double). Meanwhile her decoys suffer horribly. The gods apparently have some rule against helping mortals (that doesn’t sound like Greek mythology to me. Back then the gods were in mortals business like a nosy church lady living next door) that Zues enforces with lethal enthusiasm. Apparently he posed as an old man and trained Blandy, but that doesn’t count. The one thing he wants Blandy to do is keep the Titans from escaping, which Blandy fails miserably at. Lots of “Immortals” die. You spend the final simultaneous three fight scenes more or less rooting for both sides (Micky Roarke has a lot more appeal than Blandy, the Titans have been in serious bondage for thousands of year and the gods are complete jerks, and the Greek mortals are such non-entities that you couldn’t care less who won that fight).
Anyway, the stars. Greek mythology movie. One star. Mickey Roarke. One star. The action was pretty good (could have used more of it IMO). Two stars. Super hot Frieda Pinto, and a nice nude scene. One star. The sneaking suspicion that had I been even a little drunk or stoned this movie would have seemed brilliant. Two stars. In spite of the lack of specific stars, the movie overall was at least sort of entertaining. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. Story without a point. One black hole. None of the characters made me feel any kind of connection or appeal except for Mickey Roarke, and he was supposed to be the bad guy. One black hole. Set design as done by a twelve year old. One black hole The CGI and 3D effects were actually kind of lame, and really hurt the action. One black hole. The gore was clearly fake, and kind of hurt the action. I honestly think they could have done better with clay and fake blood. One black hole. Really, really, really, really dumb costume designs. Seriously. The people on screen were either wearing slave rags, armor, or hats that would embarrass a troupe of drag queens on LSD. One black hole. While I understand the need to have everything in English (although for some reason the four Oracle girls spoke Greek), no attempt was made to make the language or wording appropriate for the subject matter. All the actors sounded like customers at the Beverly Center. One black hole. A bunch of “oh, duh” moments and the inspirational speech Blandy delivers to the Greeks toward the end had me laughing. It was also pretty pointless. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
So a perfect zero. Not surprising based on how I felt leaving the film. If your local theater is down the street from a bar and or you can down a sixer of Shiner Bock before heading into the movie you should really enjoy it. If you ARE going to see it I would say go to a theater, as the battle scenes will get lost on a smaller screen. However, don’t waste your money on the 3D. Not a good date movie at all. See it with your drunk friends.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. My movie budget is nicely expanded this week, so I should get more in soon. Talk to you later.
Dave
The 10 Worst Star Trek TOS Episodes
So a couple months ago I did a 10 Best list (Balance of Terror was my number one if you missed it). However, fairs fair and I really should do a 10 Worst as well. Don’t get me wrong on this. I love Star Trek more than pretty much any other show in the history of television, and would happily watch any of these. Let’s just say my internal groan factor is much higher when I watch these 10.
10. Episode 5 the Enemy Within. I know, most true Trek fans will say that all the worst episodes were season 3 and it is some kind of sacrilege to even mention one from season 1, but there are a couple reasons for this one. First of all, the story is kind of dumb. The transporter can violate all laws of thermodynamics and create a second Kirk based on two arbitrary facets of his personality? Good and evil? Why not the two sides that either like garlic and don’t? Honestly, a freak transporter accident does an in depth psychoanalysis of his brain and splits it that way. Dumb. Also, if Sulu and the two red shirts trapped on a planet are faced with a choice of being split into two or freezing to death, I think I would take my chances on being split in two. At least you would have a perfect alibi for your upcoming life of crime. Finally, when I was in school I took a class on video making and we had a guy come in and give us a lecture on how you could use lighting effects to create atmosphere, and this was the footage he used as an example of the cheesiest lighting ever. If you watch you will see whenever they show good Kirk it is always with very soft, out of focus lighting and whenever they show bad Kirk it is with a harsh light either shining up under his chin or down onto his future bald spot. That has kind of stuck with me.
9. Episode 24 This Side of Paradise. Yes, I know. Another season 1 episode. Don’t hate me. The thing is, I am a huge Spock fan and generally don’t like it when he acts out of what I perceive as his character. Amok Time was acceptable due to extenuating circumstance (and also because Spock was kicking ass) but seeing him as a happy country bumpkin living and loving a woman was seriously disconcerting. Also, if the spores kept the colonists alive and healthy in what was effectively a paradise, why would they want to leave even after Kirk managed to itchy-pants them into a murderous frenzy? I’d walk straight up to the nearest spore plant and take another blast. Are they that loyal to the Federation that left them to die a horrible death? However, this episode, like Amok Time, did show that Spock can kick the crap out of Kirk any time he likes, so you have to love that. Kirk was even armed at the start of the fight. (episode shirt images courtesy of the Star Trek t shirt category)
8. Episode 58 the Paradise Syndrome. Maybe it’s just episodes with the word paradise in them. At least this one is firmly in season 3. Sorry, but this on just reeks of pandering. Kirk catches a dose of amnesia and ends up living with the Native Americans. First of all amnesia as a plot device should be firmly relegated to the land of soap operas. This episode garnered a lot of criticism for racism, something that Gene Roddenberry was trying very hard to avoid. However, even a brain damaged white Kirk is shown as being highly intelligent and capable while the Native Americans are portrayed as kind of stupid and ignorant, if noble. I’m sure this was not at all the writers intention, but it just played out that way.
7. Episode 55 Assignment: Earth. Technically season 2, but the very last one and the episode I will list as the worst one of all time is immediately following. OK, Star Trek garnered a lot of praise for a time travel episode in the form of the City on the Edge of Forever, and Tomorrow is Yesterday was decent. So they decide to again go back in time FOR NO APPARENT REASON WHATSOEVER! The nominal excuse it to clear up some historical anomalies surrounding the rocket launch in question. Is historical accuracy such a priority in the Federation that they are willing to risk destroying their entire universe in order to verify what happened? Wasn’t that the whole point of the City episode? One little change can alter the future forever? Also, this episode was a blatant attempt to force a spin off featuring Gary Seven, the futuristic James Bond (played by Robert Lansing). The real problem with this episode was I keep asking “What is the point” whenever I see it. I think the cat, Isis, was the same cat used in Catspaw (which almost made this list).
6. Episode 65 Plato’s Stepchildren. OK, I bought ancient Greeks in space with the great episode Who Mourns for Adonis, and (sort of) bought Romans in Space in Bread and Circuses, but by this time I think we were all full up on the concept. It really felt like they were looking for an excuse to reuse all the costumes from those episodes. While I give this episode props for featuring the very first interracial kiss on television (Kirk and Uhura), the story concept is just kind of dumb. Something in the food gives normal height people god like powers, and McCoy manages to figure out what it is and refine it to inject into other humans. Wouldn’t that be like the greatest scientific discover in history? At the end of the episode Kirk and Spock have more power than anyone else. Why weren’t they still using them in episode 66, Wink of an Eye? Why doesn’t the Federation not have a cadre of mental super soldiers with which to conquer the Klingons and the Romulans? Even if the effect wears off over time, seems like it would warrant further study of some kind.
5. Episode 59 And the Children Shall Lead. If there is one thing Lucas taught us with the Phantom Menace it’s that kids suck in science fiction movies (OK, the kid in Aliens was pretty cool). Any time kids turn into the main protagonist or antagonists in a show about adults it tends to suck. Also, here is a tip for all you future space explorers. If you should come to a colony in space where all the adults are dead and all the kids still living, maybe you don’t want to just welcome them back with open arms. Do copies of the Children of the Corn no longer exist in the future? I’m not saying to simply execute them. Maybe just study them a little more carefully before bringing them on board your enclosed environment. This rule pretty much applies to any sole survivor or surviving sub group, but should be double true for cute kids. Also let us not forget that the Gorgan, in addition to being a creepy ghost with a pedophiliac voice, is also a SCARY CLOWN! DIE CLOWN DIE!
4. Episode 57 The Enterprise Incident. Ugh. I can’t help but feel this episode was in response to some kind of push from Shatner to add some more espionage to his acting repertoire. Here’s the thing about this episode. While I assume it is possible for a little surgical alteration to mimic the appearance of a Romulan (actually, it was more like a little makeup. Kirk did not really look that different) the thing is, the Enterprise had a crew of about 400 people. I have to assume the Romulan ship had about the same. Over the course of a few months duty I would say it is safe to assume that every crew member has seen every other crew member at some point. My high school had about 2000 people in it and I can say that if someone had shown up I had never seen before I would have at least noticed them. Also, how is it Kirk speaks flawless Romulan, or that the Romulans all speak English?
3. Episode 75 the Way to Eden. I can sum up what is wrong with this episode in one word: hippies. Specifically space hippies who seem to see Spock as some kind of guru. I really can’t decide what the message was from this episode. It was either that smelly hippies suck and should get a job or that peace and free love rule and we should all go to a Phish concert. Also, it is interesting to me that the one time Checkov gets a love interest she ends up a villain (sort of) and leaves to wander the universe. No one can ever do better than Kirk.
2. Episode 77 the Savage Curtain. Abraham Lincoln in space. Literally, floating in space. This episode was a blatant rip off of Arena. I guess the writers were getting tired by then. Also, this is the first time in sci fi history we get to see the recurring turd monster. The thing that sucked about this, aside from the question of how Kirk and Spock are appointed the universal representatives of Good, is that, while Arena was a long game of cat and mouse that ended, like all great Star Trek episodes, with Kirk using his brain to come up with a plan, this one finally resorts in old fashioned brute force.
1. Episode 56 Spock’s Brain. No surprise here. In every list of bad Star Trek episodes this one is listed near the top. Nimoy has said he spent most of the filming kind of embarrassed. Amazon women from the Bikini Planet sneak on the enterprise and steal Spock’s brain in order to regulate their city. Turns out they are stripper dumb until they get info downloaded into their brains. This episode raises so many “what the hell?” questions I don’t even want to get into it. If you are a fan of Star Trek you already know why this one sucks. I don’t need to hurt myself dredging it up.
There it is. Feel free as always to disagree and post a comment here. You can also follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I really don’t tweet a lot, but when I do you know it’s important (or I am really bored). Thanks for reading. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Tower Heist Movie Review
I was very pleasantly surprised. I guess I should have had faith in Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy’s ability to pick a script that didn’t suck, but honestly the trailers made this look like a bad 48 Hours remake and given the fact that for the past few years Eddie has been doing Daddy Daycare and the like, I was expecting something painful. Not in the least.
The fact is, this movie is well written, clever, and above all funny without being goofy schtick. The humor is subdued enough to make you appreciate it, as well as the acting ability of the main characters as they deliver the lines. Eddie Murphy’s character Slide does borrow heavily from Reggie Hammond, but does not reprise the character entirely and makes this one less clever and sophisticated, but much more street smart and, to be honest, believable. In fact, all the characters are 
extremely believable, especially Josh Kovacs, played by one of my favorite actors Ben Stiller, star of the great Zoolander (Derek Zoolander Center for Children who can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too image courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
The story is of Josh Kovacs, manager and majordomo of the most plush building in all of Manhattan, the Tower. While working for some of the richest people on the planet he is living in a slum and gets hassled by Eddie Muphy’s character Slide as he goes to work every day. He is aided by a dedicated staff of doormen, security personal, and cleaning staff including his brother-in-law concierge Charlie (Casey Affleck – Good Will Hunting, Gone Baby Gone), veteran doorman Lester (Stephen Henderson – Everyday People, the Good Heart, Keane), new elevator operator Enrique Dev’Reaux (Micheal Peña – Shooter, Million Dollar Baby, Crash), and maid Odessa (Gabourey Sidebe – Precious. That’s it. Glad to see her adding to her filmography). Their richest resident is Arthur Shaw (cough cough Bernard Madoff cough cough), played excellently by the great Alan Alda (Mash of course. A few others but Mash is more than enough), who gets arrested for securities fraud after taking every employees pensions and life savings.
I’d like to add a thought here on the brilliance of casting Mr. Alda for this. If there is one thing the otherwise weak Schwarzenegger film the Running Man taught us is that if you take a beloved American icon and cast him in the role of a villain, he somehow seems much more evil. It worked for Richard Dawson, and in all ways works great for Alan Alda here.
In comes FBI agent Claire Denham (played by the one time love of my life, Téa Leoni. If you want to see why I loved her set the way back machine to 1992 and watch a short lived comedy called Flying Blind. She also starred in Deep Impact, Jurassic Park III, and the Family Man. She was also married to sex addict David Duchovny. She has gotten older, but still looks super hot), who caught Shaw and now has to see him under house arrest in his fabulous penthouse. She gets hammered one night and tells Kovacs that Shaw must still have a secret stash of money somewhere in his place. That is when Kovacs decides to rob Shaw. He just got fired for going nuts on Shaw and recruits evicted former tenant Mr. Fitzhugh (Matthew Broderick – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Glory, Godzilla 1998 (eww)), Charlie, Enrique, and Odessa. They quickly realize they don’t have the skill set required and recruit career criminal Slide, who aids them in the robbery while forcing them to prove they have what it takes to rob someone in humorous ways.
Crime comedy hijinks ensues. I don’t want to give away much of the plot, as I liked it a lot and hope you all go see it, but at one point the ridiculous meter dips so deep into the red it actually hits infrared. Other than that the movie is fun, super entertaining, and ends in what I thought was the most appropriate way.
The stars. Great, fun story well told. Two stars. I would like to give a star for every great actor in this film, but that would actually skew it too far in the star direction. It’s a good movie, but it’s no Wrath of Khan. Murphy, Stiller, Alda, Leoni, even Matthew Broderick would be five stars. I’ll just give three for great casting. Very real characters. One star. Dialog and direction were great. One star. No annoying subplots or unnecessary characters. Even the weird Russian girl (Nina Arianda – Midnight in Paris) had a significant role. One star. An ending that made sense (mostly) and didn’t have any sugar frosting smeared on it to make it more palatable to the unwashed morons of this country. One star. Two bonus stars for an overall pleasant movie experience that exceeded my expectations. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes. For a movie that seemed to work hard to stay funny in the real world, when they got to the actual robbery they went in a really stupid direction and completely blew out my suspension of disbelieve circuit (sorry, but elementary violations of the laws of physics even a grade school child could spot grinds me like sandpaper underwear). Two black holes. The humor, which until the robbery had been pretty low key and subtle, took a left turn down Three Stooges alley and cruised there for most of the rest of the movie (ever see the one where they are skyscraper construction workers?). Tonal shifts 3/4ths of the way through the movie rarely work. One black hole. There was a romantic undercurrent that felt really undeveloped. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
I will say that this movie was rated PG-13 and in all ways worked at that rating. It was one that didn’t need to go any deeper into R. Kudos to director Brett Ratner (who managed to insert a speaking cameo). However, Brett, you are going to have to come up with a few more great movies to make up for X-Men Last Stand and Rush Hour.
So a total of seven stars, a great score. Should you see it? Absolutely. Do you need to see it on a big screen? Not really. There are a couple scenes towards the end that benefit from being on a bigger screen, but like most comedies this one will do just fine on a TV. Good second date film, IMO, in that it is funny, but not super sexual. Also, none of the people in this movie are super Hollywood hot, so unless she has a thing for Eddie Murphy you won’t lose anything in comparison.
Thanks for reading. I fell way behind in my movie watching this last week and will try to nail a few more down this week. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. By the way, I did great the first day at the Warhammer Tournament and got my ass beat on the second by a guy I hate like I hate the Star Wars Holiday Special, so kind of a bummer weekend. I probably would have done better sitting on my ass at home writing more.
Dave
10 Best Movie Chase Scenes
OK, I have been flaking a lot on my blogging lately, but the fact is I have been super busy getting ready for this Warhammer tournament. I am sitting in the bar at the hotel in San Antonio and had some time to kill, so I thought I would crank this out. I have been working on this list for a while, and like it a lot.
The weird thing is I checked a bunch of other lists and they don’t exactly have a lot in common with mine. I guess I have a different perception of what is cool in a chase scene.
10. Bullitt. Great scene all around as they tear ass through San Francisco, my second favorite city. Ever wonder what it looks like when you manual a car? This movie can show you (that was a skateboard joke).
9. Ronin. This one, Bullitt,and the next one on my list are pretty standard for best chase scene lists, but it’s obvious this one is on it for a reason. This movie is like a huge single chase scene across Europe, with occasional pit stops to load up on food, fuel, and ammunition. They destroyed over 80 cars in the shooting of this flick, and even hired an F1 driver to do a lot of it.
8. the French Connection. Yes, I guess I am slowly turning into one of those snooty movie jackasses who feels the need to reference “the classics”, but I can’t deny this one is pretty epic. There has been a rumor around for years that they filmed this one in New York without permission from the city, but I have my doubts.
7. Bladerunner. I never said this was all car chases. I have always liked the scene where Deckard chases down Zhora, the replicant girl with the snake. Great foot race, and she takes a header through a plate glass window, only to have Leon almost choke him to death.
6. the Blues Brothers. Hey, they wrecked a mall and a bunch of cop cars. That mall was scheduled for demolition, but it must have been a ton of fun to film. Just thinking of driving through all that plate glass makes me all tingly.
5. Smokey and the Bandit. This movie was nothing but a chase scene. Great film, with good humor. Unfortunately it introduced us to the incompetent hillbilly sheriff who plague films for about 15 years afterwards.
4. Terminator 2. Motorcycle to helicopter to big rig hauling liquid nitrogen, this scene had it all. The best line was Arnold saying “This is the vehicles maximum velocity” as they ripped along at 5o MPH.
3. Last of the Mohicans. Another foot race, but one of the best. To be honest, this movie kind of drags for a long time, but the final chase scene with Hawkeye, Uncas, and Chingachgook chasing down Magua makes it all worthwhile. Even more amazing was the soundtrack for the scene, which to this day rocks for me.
2. the Empire Strikes Back. Yes, I’m a fanboy, but the Millennium Falcon running through an asteroid belt chased by six TIE fighters only to hide in a cave that is actually the gullet of a giant sock puppet and eventually escape by attaching itself to the outside of an Imperial Star Destroyer is in all ways awesome. Watching this movie over and over again sometimes makes the pain of Episodes I-III feel more like a severe bowel obstruction rather than getting punched in the balls over and over again for six hours. (Empire logo courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirt category)
1. the Road Warrior. The final chase scene makes this movie, which is great anyway. An interesting fact is from the moment Max starts the engine until he crushes Wes on the grill of the Humungous’s car and lays the truck on it’s side the camera never stops moving. Another interesting fact is they did stunts in this film you will never see in another film. The reason is they didn’t hire stunt drivers. They hired guys off the Australian demolition derby circuit, and those guys would do anything. The differences are subtle, but if you pay close attention you will realize that, instead of the standard “car gets hit and crashes because the driver is planning it or not even in the car” they would do stuff like have the car get t-boned by the truck, straiten out, and keep on driving. It doesn’t sound like much until you think about it, but once you do it kind of blows your mind. Watch it again and understand how the lack of huge crashes and explosions is actually an improvement over the standard Hollywood pap.
I also like the fact that Max didn’t really start kicking ass until after all his helpers were killed.
That’s it. I have to get to sleep. Big day of Warhammer tomorrow. I will be seeing a bunch of movies this week and will try to write something every day. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKung Fu. Thanks for reading. If you disagree with this list or think I missed something feel free to post a comment. Talk to you soon.
Dave
In Time Movie Review
Just a few seconds late.
I went into this movie with a lot of hope, not only because it has been a while since we had a good original sci fi movie but also because the premise sounded a lot like a novel I read years ago. I can’t for the life of me recall the name or author, and I noticed the credits did not reverence any books, so I guess either the writer/director Andrew Niccol (the Truman Show, Gattica, Lord of War, the Terminal) read the book and forgot to mention it to anyone or this is another example of convergent evolution.
So I had high hopes, which I have discovered in the movie reviewing business is always a mistake. You see, if you expect the movie to be crap and it’s good, you are pleasantly surprised. If you expect it to be crap and it’s crap, at least you get to walk around with a sense of smug satisfaction that makes your friends want to punch you in the face when you keep saying “I told you so”. If you expect a movie to be good and it’s good than all is well. However, if you expect a movie to be good and it’s garbage than you walk away feeling like you just accidentally kicked your puppy and he won’t play with you anymore.
In Time wasn’t horrible. It wasn’t even bad, per se. I found elements of it very entertaining, and the concept kind of fascinating. The problem is he story got so bogged down in the whole time manipulation mechanic that you lose track of the overriding story. Also, it is apparent that Mr. Niccol, in spite of most likely being fabulously wealthy himself, has an axe to grind with the current state of economic disparity in our society and really wanted to shove a message down our throats. I am undecided if I agree or disagree with that message, but it seems he could have picked a better delivery vehicle. Finally, while I understand the need to suspend disbelief in a science fiction movie for things like arm clocks that count down the seconds of your life, this movie really pushed suspension in order to facilitate the Bonnie and Clyde Robin Hood story, which kind of bugs. More on that later.
The story. Justin Timberlake (I’d love to give the movie a black hole for him, as his fabulously successful and overly handsome career annoys the hell out of me, but I can’t deny that he is a talented actor and I usually enjoy him in anything he does. Damn my honesty) plays Will Salas, a lower class ghetto living worker bee who is struggling to survive, literally. In this society of the future you stop aging at 25, but at that point your arm clock starts with exactly one year to live. You have to work to earn more time, which is payed out in minutes and hours. He typically has less than a day on his clock, and he has to work every day to keep it from running out. He saves the life of a rich guy, who has come to the slums in order to die as he feels humans should not live forever. The guy gives Will over a century, which makes him a wealthy man. Ironically his mother dies seconds before he can give her more time. He moves up time zones to the rich area, where he gets into a poker game with another rich guy (Vincent Kartheiser – Mad Men, Alaska, Angel, Alpha Dog. What’s with him and movies that start with A?), the evil rich industrialist responsible for maintaining the economic time flow and indirectly the death of thousands of lower class people. He also meets the guy’s mother-in-law, wife, and daughter, who all look the same age. He has a connection with the daughter, Sylvie Weis (Amanda Seyfried – Jennifer’s Body, Red Riding Hood, Mean Girls) and encourages her to take a risk, something the rich in this world never do. At that point the police, called Time Keepers, catch up to him, thinking he stole the money. They are headed up by Johnny Depp-wannabe Cillian 
Murphy (Scarecrow from the Dark Knight, Batman Begins, Inception. Batman image courtesy of the Batman T shirts category), who is actually pretty cool. They take all his time, but he escapes and kidnaps Sylvia. At this point the movie turns into a huge Bonnie and Clyde film, with the two of them being chased by the cops and a bunch of gang members called Minute Men who steal time from people. She eventually joins him willingly and they go on a Robin Hood like crime spree, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. Sci fi-ish crime drama ensues. There are a couple of good scenes (the final confrontation between Will and the Minute Men in particular).
The problem this movie suffers under is you get so bogged down in the intricacies of time transference that it distracts you from the story. The first time Will’s clock ran down to a few seconds was exciting, The fifth time not so much. While the premise is clever, and everyone spends all day looking at the clock on their arm, in the end you get tired of them constantly transferring it back and forth. Also, the social interaction of this kind of boggles my mind. It’s like this. At one point Sylvia says to Will “I know where we can get all the time we want”. Does she have some kind of clever insider scam based on years of living with her father, who owns most of the banks in the time zone? No. Her plan is to drive a truck through the wall of a time lender and steal thousands of years at gunpoint. If it’s that easy, why doesn’t everyone do it? I mean, if you have an hour left on your clock and you are going to die anyway, why not go on a crime spree? Heck, if I were a less moral person I might just pick up a brick and hit the next 10 people I came across on the head and steal their time. There are a couple of scenes where they show people just keeled over dead. Seems awfully passive of them. There’s another scene where the Minute Men line up a bunch of people and start to “clean their clocks”. Sure, they have guns, but there are only four of them and they had like 20 people lined up. If I was about to die in a few seconds anyway I think I would risk a bullet. For that matter, how is it the people with just a year on their clock ever agreed to this? Or haven’t risen up and wrecked the upper crust? I think the director was so bent on showing the evil of economic disparity that he missed some pretty obvious human nature questions.
The stars. Interesting premise. One star. Good acting all around. One star. Dialog was reasonably well written (more on that later). One star. The overriding message, while extremely didactic, was well delivered. One star. The love interest and pretty much every other woman in this film was easy on the eyes. One star. They did something really, really cool with the cars. Instead of designing brand new cars that look like sex toys with wheels (cough cough Demolition Man cough cough) they took cool classic American cars, buffed a few edges, and gave them electric sounding motors. Some of them had fins. It was like being in the world of Fallout without the nuclear war. One star. They also didn’t push the science fiction technology so far as to be annoying. No ray guns, no androids. It felt like a slightly different world maybe ten years in the future. One star. The struggle for the working man to keep his clock ticking was well portrayed. One star. Generally fun movie. One star. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. Way too much time spent (haw!) on time transference. One black hole. The whole “why would you passively watch your clock run down instead of going nuts” question. One black hole. I know the point is that everyone in the world stops aging at 25, but do they all have to be incredibly hot as well as young? The entire movie felt like I was trapped in an Abercrombie and Fitch. One black hole. With a couple of exceptions, the action was pretty blasé. One black hole. No effort was really made to distinguish between the language and dialect of the lower and upper class people. One black hole. The crime spree Will and Sylvia went on got ludicrous in their success rate. Sure, suspension of disbelief and all that, but I have a hard time with the idea that the cops of the time based economy are significantly less competent than cops of today. Is it reasonable to assume that two wanted criminals can walk into a bank with no plan and just a couple guns and then get away without any chance of being caught? Seems some effort could have been made to show these people as having an edge lacking in the average criminal. One black hole. While entertaining, the entire movie felt a little soulless, it was rated PG-13 when it really should have been R, and the message and story continually got in each others way. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
A grand total of two stars. Not bad, and if you don’t mind some of the more esoteric black holes I gave it you can enjoy it. There really isn’t much in the camera work to demand a big screen, so feel free to see it on video. Not a good date film either, as the romance is grossly underdeveloped (I almost gave another black hole for that) and the economic machinations can actually get kind of boring.
Thanks for reading. I think I am going to try to see either Anonymous or the Rum Diary later today. I can’t decide which one I am more apathetic about. I don’t really care about a fictionalized story of Shakespeare, and Hunter S Thompson is a guy who wrote for a magazine I never read. Maybe I’ll see Puss n’ Boots, if my brain can handle it. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Johnny English Reborn Review
Comedy through repetition.
This movie was something of a landmark for me, in that this is the first movie I have seen in years (and most definitely since I started doing these reviews) wherein I can pinpoint the exact moment it officially started to suck. Most movies either start off sucking, like walking into a boring political theory lecture where the professor insist on calling everyone Mr. or Ms. So and So, or they start off looking like something almost decent but the suckage steadily builds pressure like an impending bowel movement at a giant swap meet where the only toilets are Porto-Potties that haven’t seen a cleaning hose in many a moon. You keep trying to deny the need to express the suckage, but eventually you have to bite the bullet and admit that what you have been watching for the last 45 minutes has been total garbage.
No, this movie picked an exact moment to shift from stupid/funny to just plain old stupid. In case you were wondering, it’s when Johnny English is flying a helicopter to get a dying man to a hospital and decides the best way is to follow the road. At a height of two feet. Until then it was definitely dumb, but dumb in a funny way. After that the funny was smothered by the pillow of stupidity.
That’s kind of a lot of analogies for two paragraphs, but it has been that kind of day. Anyway, Johnny English Reborn. Yes, it is a sequel and no, I did not see the first one. Does that make me unqualified to review the sequel? Probably. However, unless the first one was the Citizen Kane of physical comedies, I am pretty sure I got the gist of what this character is about. He’s a cocktail made with equal parts James Bond, Jacues Cousteau, and Austin Powers filtered through a dog hair colander and left underground for a few months to ferment into comedy kim chee. Did I miss anything? I don’t think so.
Anyway, between the last movie and this one Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson – Mr. Bean, Mr. Bean’s Holiday, Johnny English, the Lion King) was disgraced in Mozambique for letting the new president get assassinated. He has spent the last five years living with Tibetan monks learning how to get kicked in the balls. For no reason whatsoever a former CIA operative has some kind of top secret information and says he will only give it to Johnny, in spite of the fact that they both act like they never met each other. Johnny gets pulled back into MI7 (which is now partnered up with Toshiba, a running gag that probably looked a lot funnier on paper) by a long lost dream woman of mine, Gillian Anderson (Scully was in many ways the perfect woman. Hot, super smart, red headed, carried a gun, and used handcuffs. What more could a guy ask for?). He is partnered up with Tucker, a young agent (Daniel Kaluuya. His filmography feels a bit on the sparse side), who goes with them to meet the CIA guy. A Chinese sexagenarian hit/cleaning woman (Pik Sen Lim, and the only character who I consistently liked) with a killer vacuum kills his contact, but Johnny learns of a secret team of assassins called Vortex, who are out to kill the Chinese Prime Minister. Johnny gets one of the three key parts absolutely needed for Vortex to accomplish their goal but loses it in a bumbling scene that would embarrass Cousteau.
Anyway, he gets in trouble. More assassins are uncovered. He goes through a really long and drawn out chase scene in a powered wheelchair through London. A super hot blond falls in love with him for no apparent reason. Some not really funny running gags get beaten into the ground until you literally want to gag. More Austinteaubondian hijinks ensue. The plot twists feel more like gentle bends on a freeway, and are in almost all circumstances facilitated by the general stupidity of not just English but the entire cast.
The stars. There were some funny moments, especially some of the physical comedy. That is one thing Rowan Atkinson can really do. One star. Gillian Anderson. One star. The Chinese cleaning woman/assassin was funny. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes. The biggest problem is the movie couldn’t decide if it was a comedy action spy movie or an action spy movie with comedy elements. The story and plot were too serious to be a good vehicle for slapstick, and the slapstick was too over the top to allow you to take the story seriously. One black hole. Rated PG, not even PG13. At this point I don’t think PG13 has ever hurt a movies’ gross. Put a curse word in there somewhere. One star. Beating multiple dead horses. One black hole. Not even an attempt to make the movie remotely smart or clever. I expect more from movies that feature British accents. One black hole. All the characters were hand picked from the shelves of Stereotypes-R-Us. One black hole. At the end of this comedy, I just didn’t find it very funny. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of three black holes. Look, it’s pretty obvious what happened here. The first Johnny English bombed horribly here in the US, but did phenomenally well overseas. Rowen Atkinsons physical comedy translates well, and we see a lot of it here, including a one-hand-against-the-other fight scene lifted almost frame for frame from the Evil Dead 2 (Ash image courtesy of the horror movie t shirts). I don’t think the producers of this film expect to have lightning strike so much as they are going to milk the international cow. This sort of thing makes money, I guess. It just seems that if you are going to go to the effort of making a film that you plan to release in the US anyway, why not put some effort into it and make it work here too?
I’d say don’t see this film until it shows up on NetFlix streaming, and at that point smoke a lot of pot while watching it. It won’t hurt your brain. If you have kids the PG rating makes it very appropriate, and it is funny enough and entertaining enough to keep mom and dad from clawing out their eyes while watching. Otherwise let’s just throw it on the pile.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I have no idea what’s coming up this weekend. I think I will do another Star Trek retrospective tomorrow. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Top 10 and Worst 5 Kurt Russell Movies
I was supposed to see something tonight, but everything seemed to suck and I wasn’t in the mood. Instead I am going to publish something I have been working on, my list of the best and worst Kurt Russell movies.
I got this idea while working on my the Thing review, and have been thinking about it. Kurt Russell has had quite the film career, and seems to waver between loser and super tough action guy. Personally I’m drawn to the action guy, but they are all good (or bad). Here we go with the best:
10. Stargate-not many people besides me remember that Kurt Russell was the original Col. Jack O’Niel. While this movie was kind of crap, it earns it’s slot on my list (albeit at the bottom) for spawning one of the greatest sci fi TV shows ever.
9. Dark Blue-Kurt plays a sort of corrupt but really dedicated cop who pushes things a little too far but then starts to question himself. I liked this one as it was a real arc for Kurt’s character, and did not have a pat happy ending. Also, Ving Rhames always makes me happy when I see him in a movie, and honestly he is a guy who has worked hard to not get typecast.
8. Escape from LA-OK, yes this was just a remake of Escape from NY, but any movie featuring a one eyed Snake Plisskin gets props in my book. Also, I was living in LA when this came out, and it was fun to see the parts of town I was hanging out in as a post-apocalyptic wasteland. This movie, as cheesy as it was, it did feature one of the best gun fights of all time, which ended with Snake uttering the word “Draw”.
7. Backdraft-odds are this movie should be ranked higher, as it was really well done and I like firefighters. Just not enough sci fi for me. However, in addition to being a great story, the pyro special effects were amazing, back in the day of no CGI. Ron Howard is an amazing director.
6. Soldier-I love this movie. I own it on DVD and watch it about once a year. I can’t even tell you why. It’s kind of dopey and super camp. I think I just like the idea of super soldiers trained from birth. Also, for a guy who is supposed to show no emotion Kurt manages to give you some pretty cool feelings from his performance.
5. Grindhouse-Death Proof-yes, while there are any number of issues you can have with Grindhouse, everyone will admit the best part (or least bad part) is Kurt Russell as Stuntman Mike. I guess he just inhabits that role very well.
4. Tombstone-Another Kurt Russell I am good to watch about once a year. While it is weird to see Kurt, who normally plays an outlaw, play lawman Wyatt Earp, he really plays the part well. Of course, it was Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday who made the movie pop. The strange thing is I don’t think I ever really considered him as a serious actor until that role. Plus, this movie gets the award for the best Kurt Russell mustache of all time.
3. The Thing-weird shapechanging alien escapes the dreaded Norwegians and tears ass through an American antarctic research base. Kurt plays a helicopter pilot with the unlikely name of R.J. MacReady and kicks ass. I will take a serious look at any John Carpenter movie, and this one is a great example of why. Also, I love the creepy, ambiguous ending.
2. Escape from NY-the movie that introduced us to Snake Plisskin and the mission to rescue the President from the slums of Manhattan. Snake is such a good character and such an all around bad ass that you can’t help but love this movie. Also, it inspired a pizza place in San Francisco called Escape from New York Pizza, which does a decent NY style pizza. If you find yourself on Haight stop by and get a slice. If nothing else, the attitude of the kids behind the counter is hilarious.
1. Big Trouble in Little China-sigh. Words cannot accurately describe how much and in what ways I love this film. Action with an awesome sense of humor, this is another phenomenal John Carpenter movie. Kurt plays Jack Burton, an over the top truck driver who gets embroiled in a supernatural war between Chinese spiritual factions in Little China of San Francisco. Not only does he manage to pull the witty everyman off to a t, but he does it without resorting to being some kind of super powered action guy. Mostly he gets lucky, and is hilarious while doing it. If you haven’t seen it jump on board the cool boat with your Captain Dave. (Pork Chop Express image courtesy of the movie t shirt category). I would also like to add that this movie has some of my all time favorite quotes. Here are a few that stick with me in particular:
Jack Burton: “That is not water.”
Egg Shen: “It’s black blood of the earth.”
Jack: “Do you mean oil?”
Egg: “I mean black blood of the earth.”
Another one.
Lo Pan: “Shut up, Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this earth to get it!”
Of course, the funny thing about the career of Kurt Russell is he seems destined to do some god awful movies too. You can’t even say there is a progression, as in he did crappy movies when he was just starting out but now does only great ones. Six months after doing something awesome he comes out with a movie that makes you wish humans had never developed the sense of sight. Here, in my opinion, are the five worst movies he has ever done.
5. Posiedon– as a general rule I would say never get involved with anyone named Wolfgang, as in Wolfgang Peterson, the director of this 2006 bomb. For some reason they always sound creepy. It got a well deserved Golden Raspberry for Worst Remake. At the time it had really great CGI, and made a good amount of money, so I guess it’s not fair to call it a bomb. Culturally awful, however. Bad Titanic.
4. Tequila Sunrise-If you like complicated, labyrinthine plots that leave you wondering what the hell is going on then maybe this isn’t the 4th worst film Kurt has done. On the other hand, if you like your stories to make some semblance of sense then you should be with me on this. I think the best way to describe this plot is to take a love triangle and add about 14 more sides. Don’t try to follow the plot too closely or you will strain your brain.
3. Captain Ron-to give Kurt his due, I place more blame for the suckage of this family comedy in the lap of Martin Short. Of course, I have never found him charming or funny. Remember that anti-drunk driving commercial from the 70’s that was a kid playing with a toy car and the catch phrase was “a car is not a toy”? That’s how I see this movie. Kurt plays a great comedic action hero, but really should stay away from the actual comedies. It’s rare that you watch a movie and spend most of it hoping the boat sinks and all the characters die, but that is pretty much what I was hoping for.
2. 3000 Miles to Graceland-this movie, in addition to truly sucking, was a bitter disappointment for me. I am an Elvis fan, and when I heard it was about Elvis impersonators robbing a casino I thought it would be great. It also featured Courtney Cox, whom I have always had the hots for. However, the screenplay, acting, dialog, and action all really sucked. The movie really started to Hoover when 2/3rds of the way to freedom Ice T shows up as another action character for some of the dumbest sequences in cinema history. What he is doing in a movie about Elvis impersonators I don’t know, but he was so out of place what little credibility the movie still had at that point fell apart like a sand castle in front of a tsunami. I would also like to point out that this movie was one of the extremely rare times I got sick of violence. To say I have a high tolerance for violence in film or video games is a bit of an understatement, but this movie managed to fill my tank and spill all over the ground. I don’t know if it was the continuous violence that did it, or just the ridiculous nature of the violence, but after watching it I wanted to go home and watch Smurfs or something.
1. Tango and Cash–ironically, I had blocked this movie from my memory and it wasn’t even on my list when I started composing it, but while checking Kurt’s filmography came across it and the awfulness rushed back into my frontal cortex like a repressed memory of childhood molestation. Sly Stallone and Kurt play cops Tango and Cash, who are trying to nail crime lord Jack Palance in a terribly convoluted plot that looked, acted, and smelled like a garden maze made of excrement. The final action sequence with the off road vehicles didn’t so much as require me to suspend my disbelief as murder it and dump it in a quarry. There was also a really dumb prison break sequence, which is ironic given that the movie Sylvester had done before this one was Lock Up, a halfway decent prison break movie. It also featured Kurt Russell in drag in a scene that will make you want to drink a Drano martini. During the course of the film Kurt and Sylvester seemed to have entered a contest to see who could chew the most scenery, and by the end of the film the audience lost.
That’s my list. Thanks for reading, and be sure to follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I think I am going to see the new Johnny English film later tonight, which I expect to kind of suck. Should be fun to review. Anyway, talk to you later.
Dave
