The Artist Review
Looks like I was wrong.
I will be the first to admit I have faults. They are far too many to list here in full, but they include a certain amount of arrogance, narcissism, OCD, paranoia, and self-delusion (Paranoia image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category). However, one fault I do not suffer from is an inability to admit when I was wrong about something, and it is obvious I was wrong about the Artist.
Regular readers might recall my discussion of the Artist during my Post Oscarlyptic Review and my questioning how a foreign, silent film could possible win all those awards? I didn’t go into detail at the time but my thought was that this was just Hollywood intelligentsia pandering to to an artistic ideal in an attempt to convince themselves that they produce something other than mindless pap for the ignorant, unwashed masses of the world. I am not a fan of silent films, and with a few notable exceptions (Man Bites Dog, City of Lost Children, Delicatessen) am not a fan of French films. How can a man who never says any words win Best Actor? How can a movie that ignores two facets of cinema (dialog and color) win Best Picture? Even the black and white aspect normally only flashes me back to my miserable childhood TV back in the slums of Southern California.
However, I had a couple hours free yesterday and felt I should see this film if only to find out what all the buzz was about. I have to say, I was truly impressed on a level that goes far beyond the pale. Somehow director Michel Hazanavicius has crafted an extremely well told story using only visuals. Main stars Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo (whom I am totally in love with now) deliver a complete range of emotions with only facial expressions and body language. They story gives us an exploration of early film production more in depth than any number of talkie films about the same subject matter.
What struck me about 2/3rds of the way through the film was the completeness of the story. By that point I wasn’t missing dialogue or sound in the least. In fact, the few times it was added it sounded really out of place and jarring, an effect that was obviously intentional and well executed by Mr. Hazanavicius. I felt the main character George Valentin’s pain and despair far more than I have from movies where the actor bellows on about feelings and such. The chemistry and romance between George and co-star Peppy Miller was clearly delivered with a few looks and a lot of body language. At no time did I feel a lack of understanding of any of the characters motivations or feelings, something that cannot often be said about movies with sound.
I am going to forgo my usual star/black hole rating system, as I feel it would be kind of wasted on this film. I honestly can’t think of any real black holes that would be anything more than petty nit picking, and that stars should be obvious to anyone watching the film. The story is relatively simple and fairly derivative (two examples of nit picks I could do if I were going in that direction). It tells of George Valentin, famous actor of the silent film generation. He is popular and talented. On his last film production he meets Peppy Miller, young up and coming actress. There is a huge chemistry between the two that actually hurts the film production in a short montage that was incredibly well done.
Sound is introduced and the studio jumps on board, cancelling all silent film production to focus on talkies. George derides the new technology as a fad and storms out. He then pays for his hubris as his career tanks and he goes broke. Peppy Miller becomes a rising star in Hollywood, embracing sound. I don’t want to get into the story too deeply, as I would expect everyone out there to see it. Just know that the story is well told and delivered brilliantly. Plus it has a super cute and cool dog in it.
The thing that struck me as I left the theater to the sound of the other patrons applauding was that this film illustrates how much movie dialog is actually completely worthless and unnecessary. A romantic scene in a normal movie would require a complete 3 act mini play: opening witty introduction, central banter and interaction, and finally the conclusion and possible kiss. In this film that is all accomplished with a few looks and at worst one or two one line dialog placards. I think the bottom line is that Mr. Hazanavicius isn’t under the reigning Hollywood belief that the audience is mostly comprised of marginally trained baboons that need to have everything spoon fed to them. I can only hope that this example of what can be accomplished by using the delete key when editing a screenplay is not lost on the rest of the film industry.
Should you see this film? Abso-freaking-lutely. See it on the biggest screen you can find (I didn’t go into it, but the camera work is pretty brilliant too). Date movie? Yes. This is an everyone movie. The real question, however, is do I really believe it deserves all those Oscars? That is a tough question. Comparing this film to movies like the Descendants or Moneyball is literally comparing apples to oranges. The Artist belongs in a category of it’s own. I think I can now see why it won all those awards, and cannot disagree with the choices the Academy made. I do now believe that Jean Dujardin does actually deserve Best Actor. He was amazing in this.
By the way, I would like to say that one of the greatest things about starting this blog and doing all these review is the fact that I am now exposed to films I would never in a million years have watched back in the day. There is no way I would have seen this film three years ago.
Thanks for reading, and please forgive me if my earlier comments kept you from seeing this great film. Follow me on Twitter @nerdkungfu, or email comments, questions, or suggestions to [email protected]. Feel free to post comments here as well. I have a ticket to see Silent House later this afternoon, so look for a review on that tomorrow. Have a great day.
Dave
Single, Lonely, and Miserable again this Christmas? Here are some things that help me deal with it.
Astute readers may have perceived that I have been really focused on the movie blogs and have kind of let the dating advice fall by the wayside. This is mainly due to the fact that I haven’t really had the time or money to date, and when I do I seem to fail horribly at it. Thus, I am having a hard time believing in myself enough to give qualified advice.
However, being single and miserable is something I am a Jedi Master at, so here are a few things that might help you get through yet another bleak Christmas of staring morosely at the mistletoe again.
1. Binge drinking. Yes, nothing helps you forget your loneliness and despondence like the the sweet kiss of alcohol poisoning. Go for the gusto this year. Blind, stinking drunk. New Years Eve is the obvious candidate for this, but let’s not forget that Christmas Eve party! Also, getting smash drunk at the local pub may actually help cure your loneliness, while injecting some new and exciting situations into your life. On the other hand, if you are of a melodramatic persuasion and want to make a poignant statement, drink alone on Xmas day in hopes that one of your happier friends will call you to wish a Merry Christmas and you can bum them out a little. (Drinking shirt image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirts category)
2. Video games. This is a old nerd fallback, but it works for a reason. Take some of your misery and frustration out on anonymous losers from around the world. In my mind the guy I just dropped a sticky bomb onto is always a happy, successful man on his way home to his loving wife and kids, only to get caught up in my murderous rampage. Of course, odds are anyone else playing video games on Xmas day is also a single nerd loser, but a man can dream.
3. Buy yourself stuff. Yes, it’s people, not things, that are important in life. However, if you don’t have people then a certain amount of satisfaction can be had from things. Try to find out how much your married coworker spent on his kids toys and spend that same amount on toys for yourself. Then, when you get back to work and he or she is groaning about their credit card bills you can whip out your brand new iPad 2 and show them how a player plays.
4. Create a Holiday card designed to make your married friends miserable. You know those jackasses who insist on sending you a picture of their entire lovely stupid family in front of their Christmas tree? Get a picture of yourself doing something super cool only a single person could do and send that out. Surfing in Bali. Skiing in Vail. Binge drinking in the local bar. Playing video games. Enjoying some new toys. Every married person may or may not be happy with their lovely family, but there is always a big part of them that misses the freedom to just bail out of town on a weekend and visit the Santa Cruz Mystery Spot. And if you didn’t take a fabulous vacation this year and are more the type to sit on your couch all weekend then get good at Photoshop.
5. Peruse some online dating sites. Yes, nothing says single miserable loser like someone sending notes to people on Plenty of Fish on Christmas day. However, remember that if someone else is also on POF to make that observation then that person is more or less in the same boat. Could it be you have found your soul mate? Also, if nothing else I have found just skimming through personals is nice way to kill time without really using your frontal lobe.
6. Try to milk the mistletoe cow. Get one of those hats that has a stick pointing out the front and some mistletoe hanging off it. Either that or go to a Christmas party with a sack full of the stuff and carpet the ceiling. Its got to work at some point, right?
7. Work. If you are going to be miserably anyway, why not use this time to your benefit? Add up all your receipts for the year. Clean your apartment. Get a head start on the next report you need to do for the boss. Add more shirts to your struggling t-shirt website. Then, when you get back to the office and everyone else is talking about how happy their dumb kids were with whatever junk they got, you can drop something super cool onto your boss’s desk and convince him or her that you are exactly the lifeless, dedicated loser he or she needs in charge of something.
8. Hang out with your other single friends. Misery loves company.
9. Try to guilt your married friends to set you up on blind dates. This sort of thing seems to hit home with your married friends harder now than ever before. They are perfectly content to watch you be a lone wolf during, say, April, but the prospect of a friend of theirs single in December galls them. The weird thing for me is something like 50% of adults are single these days, yet none of my paired friends seem to know any. How does that work, exactly?
10. Tell all your married friends that being married is a lifestyle, not a requirement. Yes, trying to convince people that they would be happier single will actually make you feel better about being single. It is a weird phenomenon.
11. Spend a day remembering all the miserable, bad relationships you’ve had in your life. Contrast is the secret to happiness. If you are starting to feel the single blues, just think back to the boyfriend who kept borrowing money from you while cheating, or the girlfriend who hit you in the head with a travel alarm clock. If you have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend then rent Fatal Attraction, Love Stinks, and Sid and Nancy. Also go back and read some of my dating advice posts.
12. Write a bitter, sarcastic blog about it.
That’s pretty much it for today. Thanks for reading. Movie tonight, so a review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Movie Review: Trollhunters
So yesterday I wrote a review about a movie that failed to live up to my expectations in almost all regards: Green Lantern. Today I will review a movie that exceeded my expectations in all ways: Trollhunter (Trolljegeren).
What was I expecting? Not much, to be honest. The trailers I saw made it look like a bad Norwegian Blair Witch Project. I didn’t know a lot about it going in, and really the only reason I saw it was because it was in the right time slot about the time my cabin fever reached an unbearable level.
What did I get? A verite style documentary that was fun, funny, and at times terrifying. Sure it was a Blair Witch knock off, but these days if you do anything involving a camera guy running through a forest at night it’s going to be called Blair Witch. Well written, and well done in all regards, it is what reality TV aspires to be.
Anyway, the story. A group of film students comes across a mysterious bearded man in Norway who seems to be doing all kinds of suspicious stuff. At first thinking him a bear poacher they follow him around, filming constantly in hopes of getting some good footage for their school project. Eventually they follow him into the woods, only to encounter him running out of the woods yelling “Troll!” They later befriend him, and he agrees to let them film him as he goes about is government appointed job of hunting down trolls.
I don’t want to get too much into the story, as it really isn’t that relevant for the purpose of this review and also because I hope you will all go see it yourself. Sufficed to say troll hunting hijinks ensues. Trolls and people get killed. There are a lot of subtle references to the Three Billy Goats Gruff, complete with a troll under a bridge. In spite of the source material, everyone involved takes trolls entirely seriously, like a good zombie movie. There is no attempt at levity. The trolls are terrifying, each bigger and badder than the last. Truly a great movie.
First, the stars. Overall fun and entertaining. Two stars. For being a documentary style film we were not subjected to too much of camera shots of a dog or the camera mans’ foot unless it made sense in the movie. One star. The acting and characters, especially of Hans, the Trollhunter, we excellent. One star. They didn’t pull that bull crap pseudo documentary trick of only showing sounds and guys running from something through the trees. Once you start seeing trolls you see them all the time. One star. For some not so great CGI the trolls are truly terrifying. About 100,000,000 times scarier that Parallax from the Green Lantern, or any of the other so-called scary monsters in most movies out there. Maybe it was the verite shooting, or maybe because they seemed somehow more probably. Just scary. Two stars. For an obvious small budget, really good special effects and film work. One star. While slow at times, the film was well paced and led to a climactic conclusion. One star. In spite of the fantastical nature of the film premise, everything seemed very reasonable and believable. Things worked the way you would imagine, and everyone acted in a reasonably sane manner. When things got hairy they ran like hell. One star. There were some funny moments that were not outright jokes. You just had to see the underlying humor. One star. It was a thinking person’s movie, without all the crap Hollywood saddles us with to appeal to the morons (sorry, still feeling the sting from Green Lantern). One star. Total: twelve stars.
Now the black holes. Not a lot, but a few. First of all, while I truly appreciate the value of showing the film in it’s actual language to best deliver the original emotions and nuance of the actors, I sometimes find subtitles hard to deal with. One black hole. While he was one of the funniest characters in the film, I had a hard time understanding the motivations of the government agent that was tailing the Trollhunter. Seemed a little disjointed. One black hole.
Grand total of 10 stars, an awesome score and by coincidence exactly as good as Green Lantern was bad. I highly recommend you all go out and see this film in the theater. Do so quickly as I don’t think it will be around for much longer.
As a final note, it irks me that this film, with 1/100th the budget of Green Lantern (if that), is so much better. I don’t know if it is independent movies, or just foreign ones, but there are so many better movies being made than most of the garbage being fed to us by Hollywood. I honestly think the difference is that independent film makers actually still respects the audience, whereas Hollywood thinks of us a brainless, child like cash cows. Of course, based on what is popular in media these days (cough cough reality TV cough cough) I can’t say as I really blame them.
Die, troll! Die! (Troll image courtesy of the cheap t shirt category)
Movie Review: Water for Elephants, or Circus Titanicus.
Yes, I’m back on the movie kick. I had planned to see Furious Five in hopes it would both suck and blow, but turns out it’s insanely popular and sold out. The only thing out there I thought even worth considering was Water for Elephants, which appeared to be a movie about water and elephants (there’s a circus in there somewhere too).
I was surprised, as I knew it was based on a book everyone tells me was amazing and I expected the movie to turn into one of my boring “the movie was decent” reviews that I might not even write up the next day. The surprise was not that it wasn’t great or even that it wasn’t bad but that it was painfully bland. Throughout the course of the movie I wasn’t motivated to leave the theater but if the film had broke or aliens broke in from another dimension forcing us to flee the cinema I don’t think I would have been really at all upset. It was kind of like flipping playing cards into an open hat; you gain nothing from doing it, and even if you get skilled enough to hit it 100% no one on the planet will be even remotely impressed.
I was also surprised in that it has been a while since I saw a movie that was such a blatant rip off of another, more successful movie. The movie in question was James Cameron’s Titanic. Does any of this sound familiar? An elderly person finds an excuse to tell a story from the first part of the last century about a star crossed romance between a lower class pretty boy and the married (or engaged. My Titanic knowledge is somewhat limited) wife of a complete jerk on a vehicle that is headed to a disaster of some kind. The only difference between the two movies really is James Cameron had the integrity to let the movie end on a down note, while Water for Elephants drew it’s inspiration from the Disney school of movie writing.
Anyway, the story. SPOILER ALERT: I will probably give away more details of this film than usual for this one, but in a very real sense I am giving away nothing as the story is as predictable as watching a digital clock advance. Trust me when I say there are absolutely no surprises in store for you. Anyway, an old man is found wandering around a circus and finds the flimsiest pretext to tell the manager the story of how he joined the circus back in 1931. Pretty boy, national spokesman for eyebrow growth, and perennial bad actor Robert Pattinson plays a character ironically (or stupidly) named Jacob who, while starting his absolute, final exam at Cornell to become a veterinarian and have a good life and career, is pulled out to be told his parents, whom he had just seen like 10 minutes ago, were killed in a car wreck, leaving him destitute and homeless during the Great Depression. He finds his father bankrupted the family paying for his education and then, instead of going back to Cornell and getting the piece of paper that would get him a life, decides to see what being a hobo (that’s an old fashioned word for being homeless) was like. He jumps a train that happens to have a circus on it. After dealing with some local color he is hired by the owner, played by the awesome Christoph Waltz (Inglorious Basterds) to be the circus veterinarian.
Waltz’s policy, apparently in order to avoid the hassle of dealing with unemployment claims, was to toss men he wanted to fire off the train while it was moving. No joke. During one night he tosses nine guys off. You would think the trail of bodies would eventually lead some kind of authority to the circus, but it looked like the police were far more motivated to enforce Prohibition laws. Anyway, just an aside.
Jacob meets the wife of the circus owner (played by Reese Witherspoon) and, during the course of the movie, proceeds to fall in love with her in one of the worst on screen romances I have ever seen. Seriously, there was much better chemisty between Reese and Christoph at the start of the movie (possibly because Christoph can act). The romance between Reese and Pattinson looked as natural and real as a little girl making her Ken and Barbie dolls kiss.
Anyway, Waltz buys an elephant named Rosie, who is easily the most appealing character in the whole film. Jacob is given the job of training her, which August, Watlz’s character, seems to think can only be done by beating the hell out of her in a couple scenes that will make you want to vomit if you have any love of animals. Jacob, in yet another phases-of-the-moon-like predictable scene tries love which, low and behold, works. Actually, it works when he discovers Rosie apparently only responds to commands given in Polish (???). I guess there was some kind of connection between Polish speakers and elephant training. Also I guess elephants can’t be retrained to listen to commands in any other language once they learned one. Not known for their memories, apparently.
Oh, god. I just did a little research to see if August was at all a common male name in America and have discovered that the most common baby name for boys in 2009 was Jacob. Some days I hate America. Twilight sucks.
Anyway, circus hijinx ensue. Guys get tossed off trains. Love finds it’s awkward way onto the screen in spite of Reese and Roberts attempt to convince you that they both reproduce asexually. A million minor characters are added for color and then disappear like flatulence on a windy night. The big disaster alluded to at the beginning of the movie strikes, leaving the star crossed love birds free to pursue their dreams of a tepid marriage. Jacob finally does what he should have done in the first five minutes and gets his veterinary degree and a career. I won’t give it totally away, but the final conclusion is so insipid and dumb that the movie would not have at all been damaged if alien invaders had landed and probed all the main characters (in fact, it would have been dramatically improved).
First the stars. Watching the HBO show Carnivale has given me a liking of circus themes. One star. Christoph Waltz. Two stars. Rosie the elephant. One star. The depression era scenery and clothing were all pretty good. One star. Reese Witherspoon is hot. One star. The filming and pacing were decent. One star (can you tell I”m reaching here?). Total: six stars.
Now the black holes. Jacob doesn’t get his degree like a moron. One black hole. Romantic chemistry similar to mixing two glasses of tap water together. Two black holes. There is no established motivation for anyone to do anything, especially August to not chuck Jacob off the train first thing. One black hole. A lot of effort is spent trying to establish that the circus performers and roustabouts are all one big family, right before August tosses a bunch of them off the train. One black hole for discontinuity. Titanic rip off. One black hole. I should give one black hole for every seemingly interesting supporting character who disappeared after two lines, but will restrain myself. Two black holes. The plot device of firing people by tossing them off the train when simply saying “You’re fired ” (Trump) would have sufficed really bugged me. One black hole. Animal cruelty, even in cinema, really puts me off my feed. One black hole. There was a distinct lack of grime and despair that one normally associated with Depression era films (see Carnivale if you haven’t). One black hole. Total: 11 black holes.
Grand total of five black holes. Not great. Not even worth seeing in a theatre (I Hate Theatre image courtesy of the funny political t shirts category). Honestly, if you have two hours of you life with nothing better to do watch it on NetFlix streaming. Your mom would probably like it, so if you are looking for something to do with her that won’t cause your brain to shrivel up too much, take her to a matinee.
Incidentally, it does give me a warm feeling to help contribute another nail in the coffin of Robert Pattinson’s career (Twilight sucks), although that wasn’t my intent when I saw the movie. I just wish I didn’t also have to hurt Christoph Waltz’s in order to do it.
Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 3
Still more totally fun dates that involve moving somewhat.
Dancing-most women love dancing in some form or another. Also, it is one of the few of these where it is not only OK but actually most likely preferable if you get totally wasted before and/or during said activities. However, it is also a punji stick line tiger trap that will make you look like a total tool if you don’t know what you are doing, which most likely you don’t. My advice is to go back and read all the posts I did on nerd dancing, practice in front of a mirror, and then take her bowling.
Trampoline-believe it or not, but this is totally fun. A few weeks ago a friend of mine threw a birthday party for adults and as part of it we went to this indoor trampoline facility and played nation ball. It was a blast. Trampolines are really fun, and it is one area where any excess body mass you may have will actually work to your advantage, as it will propel you higher into the air. The best part about trampolines is it is one of those things that can make you look really athletic, in spite of being heinously out of shape. No matter how long it has been since you went to the gym, you will look like an Olympian when you are bouncing eight feet into the air. Just don’t hurt yourself.
Swimming-whether this is a good idea or not is a judgment call. I think I have composed an elegant equation to figure it out. Here it is. Rate the following on a 1-10 scale, with 10 being best/worst. F=how badly our body looks. D=how likely you are to drown or be eaten by something. W=how white your skin is and how badly you will burn. G=how good a swimmer you really are. B=how badly you want to see your girl in a bathing suit. Here is the equation:
X=(G*B)/(F+D+W)
If X is significantly over a 1.0 than it is most likely a good idea. If it hovers around 1.0 than I would hesitate. If it is significantly under a 1.0 than I would bail. Personally I don’t like swimming in water that I can’t see through, so that means I am stuck with pools, which will reduce my score for dying but will increase my F score, as you can look better in murky water. As with everything, it pays to do some research.
Organized sports-when I say this in my mind it is with a rising inflection, turning it into “Organized sports?” That being said, if you have some friends into it fun can be had playing volleyball, or softball. Something along those lines. Tennis is OK too. Stay away from football and rugby, as odds are she will hate it (and you will die). One nice side benefit of volleyball is you can possibly get your date to wear a bikini top without having to get in the water yourself, so bonus.
I’m starting to run out of ideas, so I will let this topic rest for now. I have a couple ideas of new stuff to talk about, plus I should be seeing something good and/or bad at a theater soon.
So yesterday’s question of Renaissance inventor/artist Leonardo de Vinci versus eclectic dope fiend and horn dog Ben Franklin, I think I am going to have to give it to Benjamin, based on time era alone. The problem is Ben Franklin had guns, which would have put the hurt on Leonardo regardless of whatever inventions he had with him. It takes more than a corkscrew helicopter to stop an ounce of lead. (Ben Franklin image courtesy of the political t shirt category).
I don’t have any brilliant who-would-win questions in me right now, as it is Easter and I have worked all day. Tomorrow I am going to rant about WOW a little, so look forward to that. Have a great day.
Movie Review: Battle: Los Angeles
So last night was Tuesday, which all you regular readers should know by now means $5 movie night at Regal Jack London Square. As an added bonus, the girl I am seeing was hanging around and is kind of into sci fi movies, so the question of what to do with the eventing was easily solved.
I have been looking forward to this movie for a while. I love alien invasion movies, and it is always kind of nice seeing movies wherein humans are not really the masters of the universe, if you know what I mean. It’s not the greatest alien invasion movie of all time, but it is definitely entertaining.
The story. Burned out Marine Corps veteran Staff Sergeant Nantz (Aaron Eckhart, also known as Two Face in the last Batman movie) got some guys killed in some vaguely defined manner in Afghanistan and plans to muster out. Meteors appear out of no where and rain down in the water off shore major cities, spilling out alien invaders who proceed to do world culture a public service by destroying all vestiges of California surf/beach culture. Nantz is joined by every military cliche in the history of film, including but not limited to Lieutenant Deadmeat (word to the wise. If you are in a military movie and your last act before heading off on a mission is to kiss your pregnant wife or baby, just stop off at the funeral home and pick out your coffin to save time), Corporal I-Hate-You-Staff-Sergeant-Nantz-Because-You-Got-My-Brother-Killed, Private I’m-a-Virgin, Corporal Nerdy-Glasses, Navel Corpsman Foreign-National-Working-to-Get-My-Citizenship, and Corporal I’m-From-Jersey-so-I-Can-Steal-or-Drive-Anything-with-Wheels.
They are sent out to rescue some civilians trapped in an LAPD police station before everything west of the 405 freeway gets blown to hell by the air force (and if you have ever lived in LA, you know how funny that really is). On the way they run into some loose soldiers (Air Force Tech Sergeant I’m-a-Tough-Soldier-Chick-who-also-Happens-to-know-Secret-Information-about-the Aliens-that-will-Later-Prove-Critical and three basic bullet stoppers who are more or less there to pad the body count). They find the civilians, which include a hot veterinarian, a father and his too cute kid, and two little girls (sorry, but how cheesy is this?). The aliens show up and military versus alien hijinx ensue. The aliens start the movie almost impossible to kill (four soldiers firing full auto at a range of five feet and a grenade to kill the first one) and somehow end the movie falling down when you spit at them. The movie ends with the Marines doing something that doesn’t completely destroy the aliens (cough cough Independence Day cough cough) but damaging them enough to give humans a fighting chance.
I’ll get into the stars and black holes in a bit, but I do want to say that one thing that really bugged me about this movie was that while the human motivations were relatively clear the aliens motivations were amateurish at best. Honestly, the aliens in Skyline had a more clear and believable motivation. The premise is they are landing to take away all of our water. There is some “expert” on CNN who talks about how rare it is that planet Earth has the right conditions for water to be in a liquid state. Really? Are the aliens dumb enough to not realize that ice, which is extremely common in our universe (Haley’s comet is like 90% ice. Pluto is 99% water), melts into water and can be gathered in any number of places that don’t have well armed native populations ready to fight you to the end? Spare me your moronic writing. Honestly, I respect the motivation behind Mars Needs Moms more.
Anyway, the stars. Alien invasion movie. Two stars. US Marine Corps, which I am a big fan of, painted in a very tough and positive light. One star. In spite of all being plucked from the cliche tree, the characters were for the most part pretty cool, especially Staff Sergeant Nantz. One star. Excellent special effects and CGI. Two stars. Good battle scenes with decent choreography. One star. The aliens looked pretty cool. One star. They managed to avoid the bad cliche of using alien guns against the aliens. One star. They managed to avoid the “the aliens are impervious except for the fact that they can all be killed at once due to their one weakness” (Independence Day, the Puppet Masters, War of the Worlds, Signs, etc.) cliche. One star. The aliens seemed interested in destroying Los Angeles, a city I despise, and surfers, a sport I despise. Two stars. Twelve stars total.
Now the black holes. The aliens are here to steal our water. Two black holes. The characters and most of the situations are cliche as all hell. One black hole. They crowbarred in a bunch of kids (who never died), as well as the father dying and a really painful tender moment between Nantz and the kid to make the movie more human (LOL). One black hole. The aliens were unholy killing machines at the beginning of the movie and fluffy teddy bears at the end. One black hole. I’m no expert in squad level military tactics, but it seems like if you are facing an enemy you already know is using explosive munitions you would want to keep more than a two feet between the soldiers and not run down the street in a bunch like children on a field trip. One black hole. Lieutenant Deadmeat dies in the cheesiest manner possible. One black hole. Aliens don’t seem to be motivated to have back up systems for their military control assets. One black hole. As cool as the aliens looked, the ships all looked like someone glued a bunch of crap to giant Trivial Pursuit wedges. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
So we end up with three stars total. Not bad, actually. Overall worth seeing if you want to turn off your brain for a couple hours and just enjoy a fairly bland adrenaline rush. If things like aliens invading to take stuff you can find on any asteroid in the universe bugs you than you might have an issue. I think its worth seeing in a theater, and definitely worth NetFlixing.
Next post will be dating advice. I also realize that I have let the whole who-would-win thing drop fall by the wayside. I will go back to the last one I posted; Riker from Next Generation versus Alien. I think it pretty obvious to anyone who knows me all I really want to see is Riker eviscerated by Alien. That being said I think he would list about 30 seconds. Armed with a phaser, I still only give him 50/50 as he would probably try to communicate with the alien as he was having his guts torn out. (Alien image courtesy of the cheap t shirt category).
For today I will once again mix genres. Who would win, Onyxia from World of Warcraft versus Godzilla?
Pandora sucks
I have been on quite the positive roll lately, in my humble opinion, with some really good posts about online dating and movie reviews, most of which I am very happy with. However, today I feel the need to purge myself of some negative energy and so turn to my blog for the purpose that blogs were originally conceived; an old fashioned nerd rant. I figured I could get into my like/hate relationship with Pandora.
I, like most reasonably up to date (I refuse to use the word hip) adults listen to Pandora for music on my computer or iPhone. For those of you not familiar with it, Pandora is a free internet radio that allows you to pick genres of music and then either thumbs up and thumbs down on specific songs, theoretically giving you the ability to only listen to the music you want to.
“Wait a minute, Dave!” I can hear you saying. “If it’s a free service how can you then justify bitching about it? Isn’t that kind of ungrateful?” Well, yes it would be if Pandora were truly free. It is, however, actually a commercial endeavor in the most literal sense possible as they literally play commercials like old fashioned radio. Not only that, but they don’t play a variety of commercials. That would prevent them from driving their sponsors message into your brain like a railroad spike made of frozen nitrogen. Instead, what they do is get a single commercial and play it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It is enough to make you want to throw whatever poor device is broadcasting it into the nearest sewer. Therefore, since I am paying them for the service in brain cells I feel I have the right to point out their major flaws.
It’s not the repetitive commercials that has my boxers in a bunch. I run a commercial web site and understand the needs of everyone to get paid. What is rubbing me like a sandpaper bicycle seat is the algorithm they use to select the music they subject you to.
You see, you start a station by seeding it with a few of your favorite bands. They then play those bands and other bands they feel you would like, kind of like how Amazon tells you stuff like “People who bought Sarah Palin’s book also enjoyed See Spot Run.” Sounds good in theory, and upon occasion they manage to come up with a new band or song that I quite enjoy.
The thing is, if any of you have read more than a few of my blogs you should have realized by now that I am a contrarian (yes, that is a legitimate word and correctly spelled. Microsoft, you also suck) by nature and tend to respond negatively to most forms of peer pressure to the point that if someone said to me “Dave, the ship is sinking! Get on the lifeboat! Everyone else is doing it!” I would lay even odds on my going off to try to find my own flotation device. My musical tastes are pretty varied and tend to be more about what I don’t like than what I do, although if I had to pick a genre or two it would probably be old school or harmonic punk rock.
Therefore, I never developed a taste for “classic” rock. Led Zeppelin sucks in my opinion, as do all their contemporaries (with the exception of a few songs by the Rolling Stones. Paint it Black, for example). Yet somehow Pandora has decided it is patently impossible for someone to not love Zeppelin and insists on playing it for me all the freaking time in spite of the fact that I have given it nothing but thumbs down. Not just Led Zeppelin, but all the classic contemporaries like Pink Floyd (acid tripping losers), the Who(?), the Beatles (ever want to watch someone have an apoplectic fit? Find a Beatles fan, look him straight in the eye, and say “The Beatles ruined rock and roll.” Not necessarily true, but always funny), the Eagles (did these guys ever have a point?), the Grateful Dead (peace, love, and smoking tons of pot), AC/DC (about as heavy as aluminum IMO), Van Halen (the Frankenstein monster of rock), the Doors (I’ve read Doors of Perception. It sucks), Def Leoppard (oonder gleepin gloopin gropen), ZZ Top (beards!), and any number of other bands who should have never made it out of the 80’s. I think the mistake I made was once expressing an interest in Tom Petty, who I find a great singer and has amazing lyrics. Petty has turned out to be patient zero for infecting my Pandora station.
The thing that really gets me is the fact that in spite of my giving them thumbs down over and over again they still keep trying. “Hmm. Dave has given a thumbs down on the last 18 Led Zeppelin songs we have played for him. But you know what? I think this 19th song, Good Times/Bad Times Live at the Hollywood Bowl, will remind him that all humans are genetically predisposed to loving this band. It is significantly different from the studio version of Good Times/Bad Times we played for him two hours ago.” If it were me in charge, if someone gave a thumbs down on three songs by a particular band in a row, that band would be deleted from his play list in it’s entirety.
The final straw on this rant is the fact that Pandora likes to run songs in sets. This is normally cool in that if they play a Bad Religion song for me odds are the next three or four songs will be Rancid or something similar. The problem is they get into a classic rock set for me and once I do thumbs down on AC/DC, Def Leoppard, CCR, Buffalo Springfield, and Deep Purple all of a sudden you hit the limit of the number of songs you can skip (according to their licensing agreement. Can anyone explain how that works?) and you are forced to listen to the Eagles Hotel California. Either that or turn it off and write a bitch blog post about it.
Yes, I know I could just create a new station but really, that isn’t the point. I shouldn’t have to deal with this and if they had applied a little more thought to their service the issue would be more or less self correcting. I still use Pandora and am happy about 80% of the time. However, that is at best a B- and if I could find a better graded service I would do it.
Anyway, sorry about the complete self indulgence of this post. I actually feel a lot better all of a sudden. I should have started a blog years ago.
Yesterdays post asked what would happen if Tyler Durden’s fantasy fight with Abraham Lincoln were to become a reality (understanding that the entire conversation took place in the movie Fight Club, another fantasy). I think Tyler had a lot more fighting experience and tolerance for pain. However, I believe Abe Lincoln was one of those never-say-die guys. Therefore I am going to go with Lincoln on this one, but it would be long, drawn out, and bloody. (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirts)
Since I indulged myself with my rant today I will continue to indulge myself with my who-would-win question. This one is less about an actual fight and more about wanting to see a character I dislike intensely get gutted. Who would win, Riker from Next Generation versus Giger’s Alien (no phaser)?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 11: understanding poster’s careers
This is the last I am doing on this sub-category. I think I will try to get a movie review or something else tomorrow to break up the flow.
Guidance Councilor. Sorry, but if a chance to bag on these guys comes along, I can’t let it go by. I remember fondly taking an aptitude test from provided by the school councilor and being told I was best suited to be a farmer. Sorry, I don’t do dirt if I can avoid it. Also I am to much into instant gratification to wait a whole season for payment. Anyway, these people are like high school teachers in that they deal with smart assed teenagers on a daily basis. The difference is they have a lot less power than teachers over the kids in that they can’t actually fail them in anything. This tends to make them either total dicks or floor mats. Also every time some kid asks “If you know so much about career choices why are you a guidance councilor?” they want to kill themselves. I’d say spare yourself the pain.
Contractor. This is a job description guys who are construction workers use in order to convince you they are more than nail pushers. It is usually followed up by “Well, I’m working for another contractor friend of mine, but I have my own contractors license.” They always drive a freaking huge crew cab pickup truck (most often red). If you are into beer drinking, football watching, wife abusing hijinx than by all means date him. There are no straight female contractors. Incidentally, if you should happen to date one and then find out he is a roofer, run away as fast as you can. All roofers are insane. It must be the tar fumes and hot sun all day. Now that I have said that I had better hope I never have to rebuild something. Good thing I rent.
Blue collar worker. This can be almost anything, be it sanitation engineer, factory worker, bus driver, etc. For the most part good guys, in a boring salt of the earth sort of way. Usually they are grateful to even have someone attractive into them. Generally not the most stimulating intellectually, although occasionally you meet one who is a total conspiracy nut whacko, and they are endlessly entertaining.
Performer. This is kind of a broad descriptive for anyone who makes money (or claims to) by entertaining people. It could be a comedian, a street guitar performer, a childrens birthday clown, a chainsaw juggler, smoke bubble blower, or a blog writer. With a few exceptions the best way to describe these people is kind of pathetic. They typically make just enough money to survive but not enough to get ahead. They feel frustration at not be acknowledged as one of the worlds foremost one man band performers, and need a girl or boyfriend to come to all their lame shows in the 3rd Street Promenade or where ever and collect the spare change from the jug you just passed around. The decent ones have a day job at Kinkos or something. The bad ones live on their takings. (By the way, if you should happen to find yourself dating a mime, do me and the whole world a favor by stapling a note that says “Learn the words you creepy bastard” to his or her forehead and pushing them off a cliff so they can work on their silent flying man act. I sincerely doubt any sane jury would convict).
Band member. Ah, the Crown Jewel of Losers. These guys (usually. Some girls but I find them to be a little more real) dream of a rock-n-roll lifestyle while performing for the same 9 people as the 7:30pm opening act at the local scum pit. If you want to spend every Friday and Saturday night listening to the same eight badly written, badly engineered, and badly performed “songs” in a bar that smells of stale beer and urine than by all means date him. Just know that if he and his band catches even the slightest whiff of success he will drop you like a live grenade in order to sleep with as many groupies as humanly possible. Even crappy garage bands somehow manage to attract any number of (really) dumb girls willing to jump in the sack with them, so you can expect to be cheated on pretty regularly. As for female band member, I actually went out with one and found myself spending a lot of time assuaging her massive self esteem issues and scraping her off the barroom floor about once a week. However, as far as I know she didn’t cheat on me. These guys inevitably have “day jobs” that somehow turn into “day careers”. Do the human race a favor and don’t give them the opportunity to procreate.
That’s it for today, and pretty much it for the job thing. Tomorrow I will break away from dating for a post or two but when we come back to it I will get into understanding pictures people post, or the “You can judge a book by it’s cover” article.
Yesterday’s question, Lincoln versus Reagan, is quite the puzzler. Lincoln was taller, and actually fought a major war. Reagan was more athletic, and invaded Grenada. Technically he did win the Cold War, but that says nothing about his martial prowess. I think that I will have to bet on Lincoln, unless the rumors of Reagan being the anti-Christ (Ronald Wilson Reagan, 6-6-6) are true, in which case I think he would prevail. (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirt category)
For today I propose a battle between a great (if stupid human) warrior versus an lame superhero: who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Beef Supreme (from Idiocracy)
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 10: understanding poster’s careers
Sorry I didn’t get anything posted over the weekend, but I had something to do that was WAY more important (and fun) than sniping at jobs listed on online dating posts, and I’m not talking about the Superbowl. However, I will make sure to get something done every day this week, although I might have something to do next weekend as well.
Anyway, I’m getting into more specific jobs, mostly based on what I think I can make the most funny and insightful comments about. Still, I think this could all be pretty useful.
Pharmaceutical Representative. In the world of manufactures sales reps being a pharm rep is the Holy Grail. Great money, low geographic area, and easy to sell products. I have long dreamed of dating a pharm rep, for any number of reasons. First of all, pharmaceutical companies as a matter of course only hire super hot women to do it. Something about trying to convince male doctors to prescribe their drugs. So even if you don’t see a phote, you can know they are probably pretty good looking. On the other hand, they are super busy and honestly are probably shopping for a doctor, so go easy.
Massage therapist. These women fall into three camps. The most first is trained, true massage therapists. They tend to be into Eastern culture and are probably do something like Shiatsu. They take lots of classes and have a ton of certifications which in their mind is the equivalent of a college degree, in spite of the fact that it really isn’t. They tend to be super fit, kind of skinny, vegetarian, and into stuff like meditation. However, if you ever hope to see her naked you can never get her to massage you. These women are so paranoid about being unprofessional that as soon as they dig into your doughy musculature you will forever be considered a client. The second type is less trained, tends to be a lot more hippy dippy, cute in an slightly out of shape granola way, and more willing to give you a massage after sex. She tends to be more happy and into the fun of it, but is flat broke. The third is pretty much a hooker. Usually from another country (Korean, most often from what I have heard) and willing to have sex for money. I don’t know why they would be online, but if they are I would highly recommend not having anything to do with them. It is a mess you don’t want to deal with. If this person is a guy it will either be a super hot, muscular dude or a big, overweight, not terrible attractive guy. If the first, I can almost guarantee he is looking for a sugar mama. If not he is probably pretty sleezy. If the second he is likely to be a decent guy, who actually will be able to give you a killer back rub. See past the bulk if you can.
Stripper. Often listed as erotic or exotic dancer, most likely this woman is actually just fishing for guys to go to her pay website. A women who dances for money who is sincere about meeting someone for a relationship will make up a fake job (which is a whole different kind of problem). Odds are at some point I will do an entire post on dating (or trying to date) strippers, but for now believe me when I say dating a stripper is like being stuck in the accretion disk of a black hole. If the stripper is male and not gay then he is 100% a sleezeball. Basically he is not meeting enough women through his job (where is is surrounded by dozens of women stuffing money into his jock) and wants more sex. On the other hand he is probably pretty good at sex, so if you are looking for a good time and/or a social disease, then go for it. Just know going in he will cheat on you if you attempt a relationship and lie about it constantly.
Waiter/Waitress. Or server, if you want to be PC. Very similar in many ways to a retail worker, in that they can be very fun to date when they are young and absolute hell when they get older. The main difference is if you date one he or she will totally critique your food habits, table manners, the servers professionalism, and how much you tip. Also, if you want to lose any desire to eat at a restaurant ever again have him or her tell you stories of health code violations that they see pretty much every day. Also, they can cause you to eat less by telling you about all the fat bastards who do 10,000 calorie meals every night.
Wactor/Wactresses. This is a waiter/actor or waitress/actress. I have no experience with actual actors or actresses (I actually assume if you are good enough looking to be an actor you don’t need to go online to meet someone) but living in LA I used to meet wactors and wactresses pretty much every day. They usually studied drama in college, work as a server to pay their bills, and fight mounting desperation as each day passes without being discovered. They generally tend to date each other like cockroaches living on each others filth, but once in a while will branch out. However, be prepared to go to a lot of horrible plays and spend a tone of time reassuring them that they are still attractive and can act. If they didn’t actually study acting then there is a pretty good chance they will eventually get into stripping or porn. Kind of fun to date on the front end and generally easy on the eyes, these folks usually turn into a headache of astronomical proportions.
That’s enough for now. I think I will do one more post on this and then move on to interpreting online photos.
For our question last post, a ninja versus a football team’s worth of zombies, I think the Ninja would win as long as he figured out early enough to cut their heads off. If he tried anything else he would probably end up as zombie chow. (Ninja image from the cheap t shirts category)
For today let’s get political. Who would win, Abraham Lincoln versus a young Ronald Wilson Reagan?
