Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 3
Still more totally fun dates that involve moving somewhat.
Dancing-most women love dancing in some form or another. Also, it is one of the few of these where it is not only OK but actually most likely preferable if you get totally wasted before and/or during said activities. However, it is also a punji stick line tiger trap that will make you look like a total tool if you don’t know what you are doing, which most likely you don’t. My advice is to go back and read all the posts I did on nerd dancing, practice in front of a mirror, and then take her bowling.
Trampoline-believe it or not, but this is totally fun. A few weeks ago a friend of mine threw a birthday party for adults and as part of it we went to this indoor trampoline facility and played nation ball. It was a blast. Trampolines are really fun, and it is one area where any excess body mass you may have will actually work to your advantage, as it will propel you higher into the air. The best part about trampolines is it is one of those things that can make you look really athletic, in spite of being heinously out of shape. No matter how long it has been since you went to the gym, you will look like an Olympian when you are bouncing eight feet into the air. Just don’t hurt yourself.
Swimming-whether this is a good idea or not is a judgment call. I think I have composed an elegant equation to figure it out. Here it is. Rate the following on a 1-10 scale, with 10 being best/worst. F=how badly our body looks. D=how likely you are to drown or be eaten by something. W=how white your skin is and how badly you will burn. G=how good a swimmer you really are. B=how badly you want to see your girl in a bathing suit. Here is the equation:
X=(G*B)/(F+D+W)
If X is significantly over a 1.0 than it is most likely a good idea. If it hovers around 1.0 than I would hesitate. If it is significantly under a 1.0 than I would bail. Personally I don’t like swimming in water that I can’t see through, so that means I am stuck with pools, which will reduce my score for dying but will increase my F score, as you can look better in murky water. As with everything, it pays to do some research.
Organized sports-when I say this in my mind it is with a rising inflection, turning it into “Organized sports?” That being said, if you have some friends into it fun can be had playing volleyball, or softball. Something along those lines. Tennis is OK too. Stay away from football and rugby, as odds are she will hate it (and you will die). One nice side benefit of volleyball is you can possibly get your date to wear a bikini top without having to get in the water yourself, so bonus.
I’m starting to run out of ideas, so I will let this topic rest for now. I have a couple ideas of new stuff to talk about, plus I should be seeing something good and/or bad at a theater soon.
So yesterday’s question of Renaissance inventor/artist Leonardo de Vinci versus eclectic dope fiend and horn dog Ben Franklin, I think I am going to have to give it to Benjamin, based on time era alone. The problem is Ben Franklin had guns, which would have put the hurt on Leonardo regardless of whatever inventions he had with him. It takes more than a corkscrew helicopter to stop an ounce of lead. (Ben Franklin image courtesy of the political t shirt category).
I don’t have any brilliant who-would-win questions in me right now, as it is Easter and I have worked all day. Tomorrow I am going to rant about WOW a little, so look forward to that. Have a great day.
Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 2
So if you are still reading after yesterdays post I can assume you aren’t frightened by the idea of being outside and generating a sweat. Here are some more idea for good date stuff that involves something more active than flicking the TV remote.
Skiing or snowboarding – if you are fortunate enough to be close enough to ski resort to do a one day trip to the mountain (or, as we used to call it, a burrito run) this can be a great date. It’s outdoors in some beautiful scenery, you get to rest on the lift between runs, its cold which can motivate her to snuggle up, and getting hurt snowboarding or skiing can look pretty studly, as long as you don’t do it while trying to get off the ski lift. Also, unless she is an expert skier at some point halfway through the day she will probably jump at your suggestion to get some hot chocolate and sit in the lodge for a couple hours. Skiing is one of those things everyone has to claim to love, but after five or six runs the average person is happy to sit watching other people be cold while looking cool in their ski clothes.
By the way, this should be pretty obvious, but don’t suggest this unless you actually know how to ski or snowboard. Nothing will make you look like more of a eunuch like flailing down the bunny slope. You need to make sure you are both at about the same skill level or you are better than her (being her teacher for the day can really make you look good).
Those dumb paddle boats – yes, the are stupid. But did you ever wonder how they stay in business? It’s because they make for great dates. You are out on the water (all two feet of it, usually) by yourself with your girl and having fun. It will usually be relatively quiet, and there will be ducks, frogs, and other local fauna to distract her.
As a side benefit, your (hopefully) superior musculature and body weight will more or less mean you can keep your half of the boat moving while doing about 1/3 the work. If you feel at all guilty about that just remember that odds are sometime in the next couple months she will be asking you to move a couch or something. Also, don’t forget that “mauled by a mountain lion saving her” thing from my hiking entry.
Bowling – yes, unless you are on the PBA you will probably suck at this, but as goofy as it is, it is fun and entertaining. This is another activity that everyone claims to love to do, but once faced with the reality of actually doing it are willing to hang it up after about two games. Be sure to practice your moon walk while on the floor with the shoes.
Ice or roller skating – ironically, this is one activity where it is actually OK to be much worse than your date at. Flailing aimlessly around on the ice while she does triple axles is in a weird way endearing and cute. You will not lose any credibility with her even if you fall on your ass. There is a good chance she will even admire your courage and willingness to try something outside your box. On the other hand, if you are great at it you will burn a ton of calories and look cool. There is not a way to lose here, unless you get hurt (not as cool as getting hurt snowboarding).
That’s it for today. More tomorrow.
For our who would win question, the Punisher versus Fidel Castro, I am going a assume Frank Castle either got co-opted by the CIA or discovered Castro was involved in the drug trade somehow. On the one hand, the Punisher is an expert in all forms of mayhem, and with enough planning could probably make something happen. On the other hand, by all reports Castro has survived any number of CIA or NSA attempts on his life. I honestly don’t really know, but I am inclined to go with the Punisher just because I like him better. (Castro image courtesy of the political t shirt category)
For today let’s go historical inventors. Who would win, Ben Franklin versus Leonardo da Vinci?
Pandora sucks
I have been on quite the positive roll lately, in my humble opinion, with some really good posts about online dating and movie reviews, most of which I am very happy with. However, today I feel the need to purge myself of some negative energy and so turn to my blog for the purpose that blogs were originally conceived; an old fashioned nerd rant. I figured I could get into my like/hate relationship with Pandora.
I, like most reasonably up to date (I refuse to use the word hip) adults listen to Pandora for music on my computer or iPhone. For those of you not familiar with it, Pandora is a free internet radio that allows you to pick genres of music and then either thumbs up and thumbs down on specific songs, theoretically giving you the ability to only listen to the music you want to.
“Wait a minute, Dave!” I can hear you saying. “If it’s a free service how can you then justify bitching about it? Isn’t that kind of ungrateful?” Well, yes it would be if Pandora were truly free. It is, however, actually a commercial endeavor in the most literal sense possible as they literally play commercials like old fashioned radio. Not only that, but they don’t play a variety of commercials. That would prevent them from driving their sponsors message into your brain like a railroad spike made of frozen nitrogen. Instead, what they do is get a single commercial and play it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It is enough to make you want to throw whatever poor device is broadcasting it into the nearest sewer. Therefore, since I am paying them for the service in brain cells I feel I have the right to point out their major flaws.
It’s not the repetitive commercials that has my boxers in a bunch. I run a commercial web site and understand the needs of everyone to get paid. What is rubbing me like a sandpaper bicycle seat is the algorithm they use to select the music they subject you to.
You see, you start a station by seeding it with a few of your favorite bands. They then play those bands and other bands they feel you would like, kind of like how Amazon tells you stuff like “People who bought Sarah Palin’s book also enjoyed See Spot Run.” Sounds good in theory, and upon occasion they manage to come up with a new band or song that I quite enjoy.
The thing is, if any of you have read more than a few of my blogs you should have realized by now that I am a contrarian (yes, that is a legitimate word and correctly spelled. Microsoft, you also suck) by nature and tend to respond negatively to most forms of peer pressure to the point that if someone said to me “Dave, the ship is sinking! Get on the lifeboat! Everyone else is doing it!” I would lay even odds on my going off to try to find my own flotation device. My musical tastes are pretty varied and tend to be more about what I don’t like than what I do, although if I had to pick a genre or two it would probably be old school or harmonic punk rock.
Therefore, I never developed a taste for “classic” rock. Led Zeppelin sucks in my opinion, as do all their contemporaries (with the exception of a few songs by the Rolling Stones. Paint it Black, for example). Yet somehow Pandora has decided it is patently impossible for someone to not love Zeppelin and insists on playing it for me all the freaking time in spite of the fact that I have given it nothing but thumbs down. Not just Led Zeppelin, but all the classic contemporaries like Pink Floyd (acid tripping losers), the Who(?), the Beatles (ever want to watch someone have an apoplectic fit? Find a Beatles fan, look him straight in the eye, and say “The Beatles ruined rock and roll.” Not necessarily true, but always funny), the Eagles (did these guys ever have a point?), the Grateful Dead (peace, love, and smoking tons of pot), AC/DC (about as heavy as aluminum IMO), Van Halen (the Frankenstein monster of rock), the Doors (I’ve read Doors of Perception. It sucks), Def Leoppard (oonder gleepin gloopin gropen), ZZ Top (beards!), and any number of other bands who should have never made it out of the 80’s. I think the mistake I made was once expressing an interest in Tom Petty, who I find a great singer and has amazing lyrics. Petty has turned out to be patient zero for infecting my Pandora station.
The thing that really gets me is the fact that in spite of my giving them thumbs down over and over again they still keep trying. “Hmm. Dave has given a thumbs down on the last 18 Led Zeppelin songs we have played for him. But you know what? I think this 19th song, Good Times/Bad Times Live at the Hollywood Bowl, will remind him that all humans are genetically predisposed to loving this band. It is significantly different from the studio version of Good Times/Bad Times we played for him two hours ago.” If it were me in charge, if someone gave a thumbs down on three songs by a particular band in a row, that band would be deleted from his play list in it’s entirety.
The final straw on this rant is the fact that Pandora likes to run songs in sets. This is normally cool in that if they play a Bad Religion song for me odds are the next three or four songs will be Rancid or something similar. The problem is they get into a classic rock set for me and once I do thumbs down on AC/DC, Def Leoppard, CCR, Buffalo Springfield, and Deep Purple all of a sudden you hit the limit of the number of songs you can skip (according to their licensing agreement. Can anyone explain how that works?) and you are forced to listen to the Eagles Hotel California. Either that or turn it off and write a bitch blog post about it.
Yes, I know I could just create a new station but really, that isn’t the point. I shouldn’t have to deal with this and if they had applied a little more thought to their service the issue would be more or less self correcting. I still use Pandora and am happy about 80% of the time. However, that is at best a B- and if I could find a better graded service I would do it.
Anyway, sorry about the complete self indulgence of this post. I actually feel a lot better all of a sudden. I should have started a blog years ago.
Yesterdays post asked what would happen if Tyler Durden’s fantasy fight with Abraham Lincoln were to become a reality (understanding that the entire conversation took place in the movie Fight Club, another fantasy). I think Tyler had a lot more fighting experience and tolerance for pain. However, I believe Abe Lincoln was one of those never-say-die guys. Therefore I am going to go with Lincoln on this one, but it would be long, drawn out, and bloody. (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirts)
Since I indulged myself with my rant today I will continue to indulge myself with my who-would-win question. This one is less about an actual fight and more about wanting to see a character I dislike intensely get gutted. Who would win, Riker from Next Generation versus Giger’s Alien (no phaser)?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 11: understanding poster’s careers
This is the last I am doing on this sub-category. I think I will try to get a movie review or something else tomorrow to break up the flow.
Guidance Councilor. Sorry, but if a chance to bag on these guys comes along, I can’t let it go by. I remember fondly taking an aptitude test from provided by the school councilor and being told I was best suited to be a farmer. Sorry, I don’t do dirt if I can avoid it. Also I am to much into instant gratification to wait a whole season for payment. Anyway, these people are like high school teachers in that they deal with smart assed teenagers on a daily basis. The difference is they have a lot less power than teachers over the kids in that they can’t actually fail them in anything. This tends to make them either total dicks or floor mats. Also every time some kid asks “If you know so much about career choices why are you a guidance councilor?” they want to kill themselves. I’d say spare yourself the pain.
Contractor. This is a job description guys who are construction workers use in order to convince you they are more than nail pushers. It is usually followed up by “Well, I’m working for another contractor friend of mine, but I have my own contractors license.” They always drive a freaking huge crew cab pickup truck (most often red). If you are into beer drinking, football watching, wife abusing hijinx than by all means date him. There are no straight female contractors. Incidentally, if you should happen to date one and then find out he is a roofer, run away as fast as you can. All roofers are insane. It must be the tar fumes and hot sun all day. Now that I have said that I had better hope I never have to rebuild something. Good thing I rent.
Blue collar worker. This can be almost anything, be it sanitation engineer, factory worker, bus driver, etc. For the most part good guys, in a boring salt of the earth sort of way. Usually they are grateful to even have someone attractive into them. Generally not the most stimulating intellectually, although occasionally you meet one who is a total conspiracy nut whacko, and they are endlessly entertaining.
Performer. This is kind of a broad descriptive for anyone who makes money (or claims to) by entertaining people. It could be a comedian, a street guitar performer, a childrens birthday clown, a chainsaw juggler, smoke bubble blower, or a blog writer. With a few exceptions the best way to describe these people is kind of pathetic. They typically make just enough money to survive but not enough to get ahead. They feel frustration at not be acknowledged as one of the worlds foremost one man band performers, and need a girl or boyfriend to come to all their lame shows in the 3rd Street Promenade or where ever and collect the spare change from the jug you just passed around. The decent ones have a day job at Kinkos or something. The bad ones live on their takings. (By the way, if you should happen to find yourself dating a mime, do me and the whole world a favor by stapling a note that says “Learn the words you creepy bastard” to his or her forehead and pushing them off a cliff so they can work on their silent flying man act. I sincerely doubt any sane jury would convict).
Band member. Ah, the Crown Jewel of Losers. These guys (usually. Some girls but I find them to be a little more real) dream of a rock-n-roll lifestyle while performing for the same 9 people as the 7:30pm opening act at the local scum pit. If you want to spend every Friday and Saturday night listening to the same eight badly written, badly engineered, and badly performed “songs” in a bar that smells of stale beer and urine than by all means date him. Just know that if he and his band catches even the slightest whiff of success he will drop you like a live grenade in order to sleep with as many groupies as humanly possible. Even crappy garage bands somehow manage to attract any number of (really) dumb girls willing to jump in the sack with them, so you can expect to be cheated on pretty regularly. As for female band member, I actually went out with one and found myself spending a lot of time assuaging her massive self esteem issues and scraping her off the barroom floor about once a week. However, as far as I know she didn’t cheat on me. These guys inevitably have “day jobs” that somehow turn into “day careers”. Do the human race a favor and don’t give them the opportunity to procreate.
That’s it for today, and pretty much it for the job thing. Tomorrow I will break away from dating for a post or two but when we come back to it I will get into understanding pictures people post, or the “You can judge a book by it’s cover” article.
Yesterday’s question, Lincoln versus Reagan, is quite the puzzler. Lincoln was taller, and actually fought a major war. Reagan was more athletic, and invaded Grenada. Technically he did win the Cold War, but that says nothing about his martial prowess. I think that I will have to bet on Lincoln, unless the rumors of Reagan being the anti-Christ (Ronald Wilson Reagan, 6-6-6) are true, in which case I think he would prevail. (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirt category)
For today I propose a battle between a great (if stupid human) warrior versus an lame superhero: who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Beef Supreme (from Idiocracy)
