Nerd Dating: Spotting crazy girls early pt 1
Ok, we are moving towards the big finally of 2010 when I give you my advice on when to move in and make “the move”, but before that I feel the need to help you avoid dating insane women. This is another subject I am too intimately familiar with, so you will be gleaning a lot of benefit from my pain.
Here’s the problem for guys. It’s not hard to spot a nutball when it’s another guy. It’s seems pretty obvious and you get to spend the next three months wondering what his girlfriend is doing with him. However, when a guy looks at a girl his vision is blurred by sexual desire. In other words, you can’t see her lobotomy scar because you are too distracted looking at her breasts. Even experienced daters get caught in this.
Now, this list is not definitive, nor is it conclusive. A decent girl could have a couple eccentricities that show up on this list and still make a good girlfriend. The fact is in my experience all women are insane to a greater or lesser extent (and, to be fair, all men are more or less stupid, including me. It’s the wonderful dance known as life). The trick is find one who is either sane enough to deal with or is insane in a manner that compliments your particular brand of stupidity.
So here are a list of warning signs I have seen or read about that make sense. Feel free to add to this list if you have some ideas, but I will be breaking this list up into several posts so as to milk the content and not damage anyone’s brains. By the way, to any of my female readers, if you spot any of these behaviors youself might consider hiding it until you get a guy locked in.
Here are the first few:
1. She has actually been committed to or participated in an insane asylum, rehab center, or 12 step program. Is she on serious psychotropic drugs? This should be obvious, but you would be surprised how much guys will put up with when they are horny. I had a good friend who met a hot girl and was working hard to hook it up with her. Then a bottle of Tegretol fell out of her purse. His father was a psychologist and he knew that that drug is used in the treatment of the most severe bi-polar disorders. He was going to bail out, but then his little brain took over and he slept with her. Let’s just say things restraining-order bad from there. (Imaginary Friend image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category). Just goes to show how dumb guys can be.
2. She has more than two cats. This is a subtle, but really good rule. Here’s how it works. One cat is cute. Two cats is so the first cat has someone to play with and still kind of cute. Three cats is the first step to turning into crazy cat lady. I had an ex girlfriend who had two cats, so I thought she was OK. However, her roommate also had a cat, which was three in the household. She turned out to be totally bat guano nuts.
3. She has a purse dog that she brings with her everywhere. This is totally valid in my experience. Any girl who hauls her toy poodle around (especially on a first date, which I have had happen) and lets it hang it’s head out of her ridiculous over-sized bag should have a blinking neon sign over their head reading “THIS WAY LIES MADNESS.” The pet has taken the slot in her life normally reserved for children, and given a chance to save your life or her Snookums she will without hesitancy drop you into a lake of molten lava. This rule also counts for pretty much any pet, be it cat, ferret, parrot, of something a little more exotic.
4. She collects exotic pets. As long as I am knocking out all the pet signs I might as well go into this. “Normal” pets are cats, dogs, birds, fish, small rodents, and sometimes ferrets (they are really cute). Any girl who has a fascination with and collects snakes, spider, tarantulas, frogs, or anything else bizarre she is nuts. This is something only creepy guys are into (like my friend Eric. How you doing, bud?) and when you get a girl into them I can more or less promise you she is freaky-deaky. Also, plants are very cool, but if she has more plants than furniture you could consider this a warning sigh.
That’s it. I gotta run, but will post more tomorrow.
A night of live music and air guitar in San Francisco
This title should be “Dave tries to get a life.” As any regular reader knows, I’m not one of those bloggers who tells you what I did every day and then shares my shopping list with everyone in some misapprehension that the universe is fascinated by the mundane details of my life. However, last night a friend of mine invited me to see her band play in SF and I was impressed enough by the two bands I saw to write about it, but I am taking it from the concept of reviewing the music I saw.
Before I do that let me stroke my ego a bit by telling you some of the fascinating mundane details of my life as they relate to live music. When I lived in LA I used to go see bands all the time. When I moved to Oakland I was so busy that I really didn’t have time to find the places to go and some new friends who like live music to go out with, so last night was a refreshing blast from the past. It was 1996 all over again, complete with me forgetting my ear plugs, a super hot girl driving me crazy with her loser boyfriend, someone spilling beer all over the place, a tiny cramped club, a bathroom I wouldn’t wish upon my filthiest enemy, and a decor developed by the “flea market meets free crap from beer vendors” school of decorating.
One thing has changed since 1996, however. I don’t know if audiences are lamer, or I have somehow gotten cooler (or more delusional), but as I looked around the room I come to the realization that I was one of the coolest guys in the club. The only exceptions seemed to be actually performers and a good friend of mine, but most of them were pretty lame. Good for my ego, I guess.
Enough of that. Let’s talk about the performers I saw. My friend is in a band called Deeper. She is the lead singer. I had not heard her sing before, and was really impressed. She has a great voice. The band is indie/punk. Kind of Riot Grrrl-ish with a couple of Y chromosomes. Really good, and worth listening too. Unfortunately I was late and missed seeing my friend trip and take a header into the drum kit, but I got the story later on.
The second band was called Thumper, and I liked them a lot too. I am not a fan of hip hop in almost all it’s forms, but Thumper is a really cool fusion of indie rock and hip hop. It’s not some lame mash up or rap with a guitar. It is honest to god rock with rap-ish lyrics. Really cool, and they sell t-shirts so they are near and dear to my heart. I talked to the drummer (electric drums, which you don’t see a lot anymore, but sounded really good) after the show and he seemed like a cool dude, so I decided I would talk about them as well. I think I will look around and see where else they are playing. I think they are out of Fairfield, which is more or less BFE as far as the Bay Area goes, but maybe when they come back to SF.
I wasn’t going to stay for the last band, and so thought my evening was more or less done. How wrong I was. At that point they had an extra special showing of the San Fransisco Air Guitar Regional Champion Matthew “Cold Steel Renegade” Feldstein. I have to say I have never been more impressed by a man in silver spandex and no shirt before. He was amazing and hilarious. Apparently Air Guitar is a highly competitive sport (?) that requires some kind of nickname to become a participant. Check out the US Air Guitar Rankings.
I kind of wish I were joking and had made all that up, but I’m also kind of happy that I didn’t and it’s all true.
(Huge in Japan image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).
Not sure what I am going to do tomorrow. I’m torn between completing my review of the Expendables or doing some more cheap date ideas. If you have a preference let me know.
P.S. I did stop at the grocery store on the way home from the show, and my shopping list was yogurt, grapes, cheese, tortillas, salami, cucumber, and apples. Who says I am not a hypocrite?
Nerd Dating: Dating on a budget pt 6
Here is another idea for a cheap date. If you live in any kind of a metropolitan area check you local paper or community site. Odds are somewhere in your city is going to be some kind of outdoor theater in some park during the summer. A few months ago in San Francisco I went with a couple friends to see Grease. It was totally fun, and had I been on a date with a girl instead of being the third wheel with my friend John and his girlfriend it could have been great.
This is a perfect date for a number of great reasons. First of all, it makes you look totally cultural and/or hip. It is totally fun, and for the most part totally free. You will need a few things. Here is a short list.
1. A clean (<–important) blanket or three. Even if the weather is nice you will want something to sit on. A couple pillows are not a bad idea, but don’t have a ton of stuff to carry. DO NOT bring folding chairs. You want to create the intimacy of being on the same blanket together. Note that if the weather is chilly that is even better, as you can then cuddle up under one of the blankets and get comfortable, if you know what I mean (by the way, if that sounds sleazy or duplicitous get over it. There is no way any girl on the planet is dumb enough to get tricked by something like that. I can guarantee if she is cuddling up under a blanket with you that was her intention all along. Girls are freakishly smart when it comes to something like that. You aren’t fooling anyone).
2. Warm clothes, unless you absolutely, positively, 110% know it is going to be hot. Remember that girls tend to get colder than guys and you can gain gallantry points by offering her your extra jacket.
3. Something to eat and drink. This can be as simple as some water or soda and a bag of popcorn or candy, or it can be a full on picnic basket with china plates and a wine bottle, glasses, and a corkscrew. By the way, if you plan to indulge in adult libations be sure to have something to hide it with from the police who will surely be patrolling the event. In most cases the cops won’t really care if you have a couple beers or a glass of wine as long as you don’t 
rub it in their face, but there is always the chance you could run into a total jerk who wants to make your life hell. I do recommend this, as the actual breaking of the law in such a juvenile way will likely make you look like a bad boy to your date as well as flash her back to high school (in my opinion, this is such a minor thing that it doesn’t even register on my bad boy radar, but odds are likely most of you don’t have the breadth of destructive and outright illegal experiences that comprises my childhood. I Drink Beer image courtesy of the funny t shirt category, by the way).
4. A ready means to and from the event. This can be your car, a public transit system, or taxi money, but don’t ruin a great date by tromping miles across the city carrying blankets, pillows, and a picnic basket. Kind of a mood killer.
5. A modest amount of information about the movie or performance going on. This is again where ten minutes of research will really pay off in increased chances of scoring. If you end up talking about he movie before or after the performance you will look more worldly and smarter if you can drop a couple factoids that were not obviously gleaned directly from the performance. Don’t overdo it, but two or three tidbits that she can feign interest in will make you look modestly better.
That’s it. Next dating post I will try to come up with something to take the place of this activity if you are a hayseed living in a cowtown, but I think next post I will review a couple movies I saw over the weekend while at the Firefly show. I feel the need to show my ability to talk about things other than dating once in a while.
Nerd Dating: Dating on a budget pt 3
So I am in Southern California for the two different shows in a row, the Long Beach ComicCon and the huge triple show. I am sitting in Starbuck having my breakfast scone and abusing their free WiFi and figured in spite of being on the road I had better do my best to keep all eight of my readers entertained with more dating advice.
Being broke, I still have cheap dating on my mind and so will continue along with that. We live in a great time to be broke and dating, in that almost everything you do to save money you can cover with a thin veil of concern for the environment. No joke. Here are a couple examples:
Problem: you don’t have a car or have a car but don’t want to burn gas money.
Solution: “I am trying to cut back on my driving to reduce my carbon footprint.”
Problem: you can’t afford bottled water and are constantly using your metal water bottle ($4.99 from Walgreens for me) or ordering tap water at restaurants.
Solution: “Do you have any idea how many plastic water bottles just get dumped into landfills every year?”
Problem: you can’t afford movie tickets.
Solution: “The power requirements of a theater, not to mention the harsh chemicals used in actual film production, makes me feel guilty to go to a cinema. The more ecologically responsible entertainment option is to stream films off your NetFlix account in the comfort of your living room with the lights turned down low.” This one is particularly devious in that it kills two birds with one stone in getting her to hang out with you in a dimly lit place of comfort for her as well as making her feel vaguely guilty for not thinking of the eco-ramifications of seeing a blockbuster herself. If this doesn’t get you hooked up you are doing something very wrong (more on actually making the move later).
Problem: you don’t have money for a dinner out.
Solution: “I am trying to support organic and renewable farming by shopping at the local farmers market. Why don’t you come over and I will whip up a delicious salad or something.” Note-this actually only works if you know how to cook, which is why I don’t use it. I make good reservations. Also, if you are going to pull this one be sure she doesn’t come over and see an Albertsons shopping bag in your kitchen. That could go badly. 
Most women at least make a token gesture towards eco-awareness, and if you start off on it before she does you can put her on the defensive and make her even more cheap. With practice you can couch any cheap decision in eco-friendly terms and make it sound like a brilliant idea. The trick is she needs to never realize that for you “eco” actually refers to economical. Whoever said global warming is bunk science never had to date on $3.28. Thank god for science (I Love Science image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).
Next post: cheap dining.
P.S. I should do this at Starbucks more often. I think this is one of my better posts.
Steam Punk is my new favorite aesthetic
I have been doing a lot of research for my site and keep looking up steam punk. I have always kind of liked steam punk, but since looking at all the great stuff out there. If I ever have the time and money to actually decorate my office I think I am going to go with a steam punk theme.
The reason steam punk rules is it is a vision of the future that isn’t the lame present we live in. Computers have cool valves and actual dials. Somehow cool machines do amazing things thanks to all the extra rings and flanges. It’ is technology presented as an aesthetic, not a function. The closest thing we get these days is some of the Apple stuff, but really even that stuff sucks. Is it really so necessary to make everything as minimalistic as possible? This is an example of one of the great novelty t shirts that I am finding out there and speaks volumes to me.
