White House Down Movie Review
White House Dumb.
I know. I said I would be kinder to Channing Tatum’s next movie after the sense of humor he displayed in his role in This is the End, but when faced with a lame horse the kindest thing you can do is deliver a bullet quickly. I’ll try to be nicer in his next one.
I’m really curious as to what exactly the Secret Service did to piss off Hollywood, because this is the third movie in the last two months where terrorists successfully take over the White House in order to control this countries nuclear arsenal and portrays the Secret Service as about as effective as a troupe of septuagenarian crossing guards. I find this more than a little offensive. I am a Secret Service fan. They are super cool and quiet about it. You will never know they exist until you do something to attract their attention, at which time they will truly make you regret it. Movies that put them on the same level as Paul Bart Mall Cop are truly unfair, especially given the dedication they exhibit.
I guess I kind of get it. President Obama has closer ties with Hollywood than any other president and so a lot of Hollywood types are having encounters with the Secret Service. This is probably where the inspiration for this dross comes from, and showing the Secret Service in action as they really should be shown 
(someone opts to mess with the White House and leave ten minutes later feet first. People like Me image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category) might make for a shortish film (I would see it. Sounds cool to me). I guess they need to ramp down their competence in order to make for some kind of drama, but honestly that’s just lazy. A smart writer would develop better villains rather than dumber agents, but writing stuff is hard work (anyone else remember In the Line of Fire? There’s a villain worthy of the Secret Service).
So, White House Down. I suppose you could enjoy it if you can buy the fact that the White House can be taken down with a half dozen guys who start with one pistol between them. If all you want is guys shooting stuff this one could work for you. The are explosions, a tank, helicopters crashing, my dream girl Maggie Gyllenhaal (for the love of God, someone invent a time machine so I can go back to before she was married and get rejected by her. At least I can say I tried. No self esteem issue here), and like all other films of this particular ilk the fate of the world boils down to a fist fight between two meat heads. The plot holes run thick and fast but if there is one thing I know the film industry seems cool with it is a script that can double as a colander.
If you have seen Olympus Has Fallen skip the next few paragraphs. This film starts out with President Sawyer (Jamie Foxx-Django Unchained, Collateral, Ray) announcing his controverseal plan to withdraw all troops from the Middle East and getting pressure back from the military industrial complex (no secret message, agenda, or wishful thinking here folks). Meanwhile Capital Policeman Cale (Channing Tatum-21 Jump Street, Magic Mike, The Vow) is protecting the Speaker of the House Raphelson (Richard Jenkins-the Cabin in the Woods, Step Brothers, Jack Reacher). He wants to be in the Secret Service for an ill defined reason and gets his chance. His 11 year old daughter (Joey King-Crazy, Stupid Love, the Dark Night Rises, Oz the Great and Powerful) is a fan girl for the President and the White House and he brings her along.
He gets to interview with Agent Finnerty (Maggie Gyllenhaal-Won’t Back Down, Donnie Darko, Stranger than Fiction) who tells him in no small terms why he is patently unqualified to work for the Secret Service. She then goes to a retirement party for head agent Walker (James Woods-Casino, Videodrome, Once Upon a Time in America), who’s son died on a military mission recently. Meanwhile, a group of white trash trouble makers get into the White House cleverly disguised as a entertainment system installation crew (since when do you need 14 guys to install an projection camera? For that matter it is later established that four of these guys are on the top of the Secret Service watch list. Don’t they do background checks on guys working in the White House? No face recognition software? No cameras in the hallways showing a bunch of guys executing security guards? No locks on the armory doors? How do you use an ICBM to shoot down a passenger jet? The list goes on and on).
The crew takes on the White House and with some inside help manages to kill every Secret Service agent and security guard in like three minutes with no casualties of their own (their amazing shooting and bullet dodging abilities go right out the window as soon as they start shooting at Channing Tatum). Cale was taking a tour with his daughter and manages to rescue the President. At that point it’s just a run and gun action film. Cale and the President sneak around and at one point are driving on the White House lawn, where the National Guard has apparently forgotten how to shoot. Stuff blows up, including a Delta Team that was written to be as stupid as the Secret Service (if one of three attack helicopters gets shot down with surface to air missiles perhaps you should get on the ground and disgorge your men rather than hovering over the roof waiting for more). Turns out the bad guys want to nuke Iran (sort of. Seems like each bad guy had a different goal) which will get us into a nuclear war.
The stars.
Action was decent. One star. Maggie Gyllenhaal. One star. In spite of their choice in scripts I kind of like Channing Tatum and definitely like Jamie Foxx. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes.
Portraying the Secret Service (and the military, for that matter) like they were all still drunk and hung over from a weekend long party in Columbia. One black hole. Being pretty much a copy of a couple other films. One black hole. Big plot holes. One black hole. The whole premise is weak, and no effort was make to strengthen it. One black hole. Overall I found myself rolling my eyes and groaning a lot. Two black holes. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of three black holes. Not “praying for a merciful death” bad. Not even waste of time and money bad. If you just want some action without a lot of brain activity this will work. I would say this film is perfect for a quiet evening at home with your NetFlix account (or illegal download site). Date movie? Meh. Most girls are not going to really enjoy this film. See it with a guy friend (or a bottle of Scotch). Bathroom break? Any time they cut back to the control center with Maggie Gyllenhaal or the military general that’s your signal that it’s time to cut out and take care of business. Nothing ever seems to happen then.
Thanks for reading. Lots to see this long weekend so hopefully something is good. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be left right here, and off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Purge Review
Binge worthy.
Once again I am disappointed that a movie with a title so ripe for puns should it prove sucktastic actually being decent. Just rolling into this film I was coming up with hilarious name jokes like “The film wasn’t the only thing in that theater that felt like purging” or “The purge should have started with the writer.” (Anorexia joke courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category) Damn James DeMonaco for being surprisingly talented (the surprise really stems from the fact that the rest of his filmography doesn’t exactly shine like a diamond).
Actually I have hit a long string of decent movies, which means either I’m burning up my good movie karma early and will spend the rest of the year watching films that could be considered a crime against humanity or hit my head a few weeks ago and am lying in a pleasant coma in a hospital somewhere dreaming this life up. Honestly I think I would prefer the later scenario.
Anyway, the Purge. Not bad, really. Kind of Straw Dogs meets Logan’s Run. The story was weirdly believable given the premise and the actions of the main characters more or less made sense (except for a couple of really bad choices early on). On the other hand this film was rancid with social commentary. I don’t think James DeMonaco has much faith in humanity or human nature. Nor does he have much respect for American culture and capitalistic values. This unfortunately divides the audience into three separate camps: the people who agree with him and think this movie is great with an amazing message; the people who vehemently disagree with him and therefore hate this film; and the people who really don’t care and are just trying to watch a film where people shoot each other.
Fortunately I fall into the third camp (along with what I believe to be the majority of the audience). The message is not lost on me. I just think it a little prosaic and ham handed in its delivery.
The film starts off with security system salesman James Sandin (Ethan Hawke-Gattaca, Daybreakers, Training Day) coming home on the eve of the Purge. The Purge is a 12 hour period once a year where all laws and emergency services are suspended and the country either goes out for a chance to hunt down and kill each other or cowers in their houses hoping no one notices them. James has just sold more security systems than anyone else and is ready to start cowering. He comes home to find his wife Mary (Lena Headey-300, Dredd, Game of Thrones) preparing dinner. His younger son Charlie (Max Burkholder-Daddy Day Care, Friends with Money, Parenthood) is a creepy emo kid with a metrosexual haircut and an inclination to making the weirdest looking drone ever. I guess his parents aren’t too hip on the whole “noticing a secret cry for help” business. The daughter Zoey (Adelaide Kane-Goats, Power Rangers R.P.M., Pretty Tough) is super hot but too young for her meat head boyfriend Henry (Tony Oller-As the Bell Rings, Beneath the Darkness, Gigantic), whom she is making out with in her room.
The family buttons down for the night after some typical dysfunctional family stuff (oh, the teenage girl is dissatisfied with her life and her parents! Don’t flatten me with the weight of your originality). Zoey goes upstairs to sulk in her room but finds her boyfriend Henry has hidden in the house. Meanwhile, the son Charlie doesn’t understand the need or validity of the Purge (with good reason. Most of it seems an excuse for rich people to hunt down and execute poor people. There’s that social commentary I mentioned). He sees a homeless man (Edwin Hodge-Die Hard: With a Vengeance, Red Dawn, Big Momma’s House) trying to escape a bunch of young people in masks and opts to let him into the house. Meanwhile Henry tells Zoey that he intends to speak man to man with James but instead pulls a gun to kill him.
These are the three points that stuck out as being really kind of stupid. There is no clear motivation for Charlie to let the guy in, and no comprehension of why James didn’t take more precautions to be sure his 11 year old kid wouldn’t get upset and open the door. Sorry but as much as I may or may not love my hypothetical child until he or she is old enough to drive a car I won’t trust them with anything that could potentially kill my entire family. The third point is how does Henry think killing his girlfriends father going to endear him to her? I am not really that bugged by these as I know 18 year old kids are idiots and parents can often be very trusting of their children, but it was just annoying enough if you know what I mean.
Anyway, James kills Henry just as a gang of creepy mask wearing dudes headed up by their even creepier polite leader (Rhys Wakefield-Santum, the Black Balloon, Home and Away) arrive and demands they cast out the homeless guy. He is hiding somewhere in the house and it is up the the Sandins to find them. They spend time looking for him (Charlie is helping him, BTW) but eventually decide they cannot be part of it and opt to fight the kids.
At that point it’s Straw Dogs all over. The gang breaks in and it’s up to the family to kill them in nice small batches. Everyone has a chance to prove their worth and the neighbors get involved as well.
The stars.
I have to admit I liked both the premise and the story, social commentary aside. Two stars. The main characters were very believable, if a little underdeveloped. One star. The action was actually pretty good. No one turned into Rambo and each fight was an individual struggle. One star. Rhys Wakefield managed to nail the polite psychopath quite well. One star. She was looking pretty bad in Dredd but I have to say Lena Headley cleans up nicely, and Adelaide Kane is a heart breaker (she’s 23, for those of you who are going to tell me I’m creepy). One star. Overall a fun time watching. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes.
Very didactic (what does didactic mean? It means you need to go back to school). One black hole. Those three points kind of ground on me. I think had more time been spent on the characters prior to the action they might not have been so annoying. One black hole. Once the premise was set and the action started the movie was fairly predicable. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of five stars. Like I said, not bad. Worth your time, especially if you are bored on cheap movie night. Date movie? Not really, especially given how polarizing the message really was. If she happens to belong to the camp that hates this film you can blow off your chance of getting anywhere. Bathroom break? There is an extended sequence where James and Mary are creepy crawling through the house with flashlights looking for the homeless guy while he is trying to find a place to hide that could be skipped with impunity.
Thanks for reading. More to see this weekend, and I hope one of them sucks enough for me to purge (haw!) the built up bile for a change. If I were a betting man I’d bet on White House Down, although it looks like the Heat could give it a run for it’s money. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (for the love of God please follow me. I have very few and it makes my ego thump on the inside of my skull). Post comments on this film or my review here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Man of Steel 3D Review
Movie of Steel.
This film is in all ways a good, solid, and exciting flick. There are some definite issues (which I will delve into with a secret sense of petty glee shortly) but in general it is everything I could have hoped for in a Superman movie.
Of course that could be taken as relative praise. Superman is one of the comic book heroes I just don’t really dig that much. He is too powerful and too flawless. All great heroes are tragic heroes, and in order to be a tragic hero you have to start from tragedy. Everyone I bring this up with always says “His home planet blew up”. Sorry, but he was an infant at the time and even if he had memories of it he really didn’t have the time to bond with his parents or planet. He grew up in small down America with the Kents in a bucolic, Norman Rockwell-esque paradise. You can’t compare that to watching your parents get gunned down by a mugger right next to you at age 10, or having your uncle get killed by the very man you let escape earlier that evening.
This film manages to inject some tragedy into the Superman upbringing, which I appreciate. I’m going to avoid spoilers but there was something that makes Superman’s life decisions all that more weighty (although in truth he could have easily avoided the bad situation. After all, he is Superman). However, any connoisseur of comic books or comic book movies will tell you that the strength of a film always resides in the strength of the villain, and in this case the new General Zod hit it out of the park. He is in all ways cool and dedicated, and even more tragic in that he is not motivated by just being a power hungry dick but rather by a desire to save his people. Tragic heroes are great, but tragic villains are awesome. The also managed to avoid the issue most origin stories have where they spend half the movie giving the guy his powers and the rest fighting some bad guy excaped from the deep recesses of the writers ass that we don’t care about (cough cough Green Lantern cough cough). They accomplished this by integrating Zod into the story from the very beginning. Well done IMO.
The part I was looking forward to is while I am not really a Superman fan I am definitely a Zach Snyder fan. 300, Sucker Punch, and the Watchmen are among my personal favorites and I knew he wouldn’t let me down even given less than optimal source material.
However, the film is not flawless and it would not be one of my reviews if I did not find a few things to nit pick. First off how many freaking times to we need to see the Superman origin story? I understand that Hollywood is terrified of anything that remotely smacks or originality or creativity, but the first Superman comic book came out in 1938 and has been running monthly ever since. That’s 75 years of original story telling (over 900 issues) from which to derive something. You are telling me that there isn’t a single story in all those comics that is worthy of fleshing out into a movie script. I’m sure executives look at past movies and decide that if they can’t guarantee numbers close to the last movie they had better just regurjitate the same old song and dance. Chocolate cake is great, but you would be surprised how quickly you can get sick of it if that’s all you eat every meal (in my experience it’s 5 days and 17 hours). Origin stories redone are the chocolate cake every meal of movies.
There are of course the typical plot holes most mainstream movies seem obligated to insert under law. If the Kryptonians have a galaxy spanning star empire why did the not have a few ships lying around for at least some people to escape? What exactly killed all the off world Kryptonians? If they have the resources of the universe at their disposal why did they need to remove their planet’s core for energy? If the Kryptonians know that living on a planet with a yellow sun gives them super powers why didn’t they all move to one millenia ago? Apparenlty they were on Earth 20,000 years ago. How is it a random scout ship just happens to have a Superman costume on board featuring the family crest of the -el family?
These plot holes were weighty and distracting, and had the pace of the movie stayed the same in the last half as the first half they would have been the lighter fluid to ignite my barbeque briquettes of hate. Fortunately once the action started the movie went from a plodding 4.5 to a rock hard 9.8. It’s hard to find a movie slow when someone is throwing a freight train at another guys head.
The last thing I’m going to bitch about comes from our good friend science. I can’t believe I’m explaining this again (this is like the 5th movie that made this same mistake) but saying something is made up of an unknown element not found on this planet makes you sound like a moronic Neanderthal puzzled by the invention of fire. A high school chemistry class will tell you that elements are comprised of protons, neutrons, and electrons. Each element is assigned an atomic number that corresponds to the number protons in the atom. Thus Hydrogen has one proton, Helium 2, etc. Between 1 and 118 there are no unknown elements, and at the higher the number the more unstable and difficult to produce. Ununoctium, atomic number 118, has only had 3 atoms produced ever. The idea that a whole ship is created from an element that is unknown yet still functional (not super heavy, super unstable, super radioactive, or a gas) is laughable, and would have been easily avoided just by substituting “alloy” or “compound” in place of element (remember transparent aluminum?).
Electron image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category.
All these aside, really good film. Let’s get into the story, shall we? There are some spoilers incoming, so skip ahead to the stars if you find them annoying.
The film starts off on Krypton, a harsh planet that looks suspiciously like the cities from John Carter of Mars. Jor-el (Russell Crowe-L.A. Confidential, Gladiator, Master and Commander) has figured out that the planet is going to blow up but can’t find a ship big enough for him and his wife Lara (Ayelet Zurer (why does that name sound more Kryptonian than Lara? I got rejected by a girl named Lara a few months ago right here on Earth)-Vantage Point, Munich, Angels & Demons) but hey happen to have a baby buggy sized ship perfect for young Kal-el, who just got born. Jor-el infuses Kal-el with some kind of genetic blueprint for the entire Kryptonian race (they are all cloned. Kal-el’s birth is the first natural child birth in centuries). Meanwhile General Zod (Michael Shannon-Take Shelter, Vanilla Sky, Pearl Harbor) is trying to lead a coup against the ruling council. He gets shut down and sentenced to the Phantom Zone.
Cut forward 33 years and Clark Kent (Henry Cavill-the Immortals, the Tudors, Stardust) is drifting across the world, helping people upon occasion but generally trying to stay out of trouble. His childhood is revealed in a series of flashbacks but if you really need me to tell you the Superman origin story let me know what Buddhist monastery you grew up in. He shows up at a ship stuck in a glacier from 20,000 years ago. Turns out to be a Kryptonian scout ship where he learns his origin from his holographic father. He also meets Lois Lane (Amy Adams-the Muppets, Catch Me if You Can, Enchanted), who later tracks him down at his family farm.
Meanwhile, Zod has escaped from the Phantom Zone and want’s Superman’s DNA literally. He also wants to xenoform (the term used in the movie was terraform, but that is completely incorrect. When we turn an alien planet into something resembling Earth it’s terraforming. When aliens turn Earth into an alien environment it’s xenoforming. I know. I’m a prickly hedgehog, but these things make me sad in the face) Earth into another Krypton, resulting in the death of all humans. Superman gets his ass kicked but later comes back and whales on some Kryptonian baddies. Really that’s it. The story is pretty linear.
The stars.
Superhero action on par with the Avengers. Also during the course of the film the collateral damage is astronomical. More than once you see Superman or Zod get punted through three or four skyscrapers only to have them collapse completely. Awesome. Three stars. Henry Cavill did really well as Superman. One star. I liked all the stuff on Krypton, which kind of made up for the fact that they were forcing me to watch the Superman origin again. One star. General Zod was pretty amazing. Two stars. Looking at the broader cultural impact of an alien on Earth was pretty cool. One star. I was particularly pleased with the scene where the military is trying to attack the Kryptonians and gets their asses handed to them. One star. Actual excitement for a change. One star. The ending while was pretty cool, and it wasn’t all Superman. One star. Overall a great time watching. Two stars. Total: Thirteen stars.
The black holes.
Superman origin and General Zod again?? One black hole for blowing out their originality fuse. I know it’s petty, but that alien element thing really bugs. I will roll it together with the xenoforming issue and give one black hole for crappy science. I’ll throw in the other plot holes as well. One black hole. I really didn’t like Amy Adams as Lois Lane. She just didn’t have the grit I expect from Lois Lane. Sorry Amy. You are hot. One black hole. The PG-13 rating was an anchor around the neck of the action. The really went out of their way to hide the horrible things that were going on. There was no way Superman and Zod had the fight they did in Metropolis without killing a half million people. One black hole. Pacing dragged in the first half, and I was feeling every one of the 143 minutes on my bladder. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A grand total of eight stars, and my rousing endorsement of this film. If you can avoid all the petty issues that grind on me like a sandpaper jock strap you will enjoy the hell out of it. Date movie? Only if you have a cool girl who wants to see this. She will probably enjoy it, but this film will neither help nor hinder you getting her clothes off. Bathroom break? Any of the scenes involving Martha Kent in the last half of the film are pretty expendable. I liked her but she did not contribute much to the character development after the mid point.
Thanks for reading. Movies like this make me glad I got into doing reviews. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post comments on this film or my review here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Movie Review: A Big Wedding
…and Four Big Funerals.
During the course of seeing and reviewing so many movies over the last four years I believe I have managed to develop an appreciation for films outside of my preferred genres. Chick flicks are no longer as alien to me as the actual women who watch them and I am secure enough in my own manhood to watch and enjoy a good “feel good” movie without feeling like my man parts are being absorbed back into my body. I believe this has given me the perspective to fairly judge a good chick flick from a bad one.
Thus I hope you trust me in that my dislike of this film does not stem from my massively overpowering machismo but rather from the fact that is is a crap movie. It is essentially a mediocre Three’s Company episode stretched out into 89 minutes and padded with some big name actors. For some bizarre reason they opted to go for an R rating with cuss words and one (granted, highly appreciated) nude scene. For the life of me I can’t figure out the logic behind that. The target demographic for this film appears to be sexagenarian women (possibly with Alzheimer’s, although I don’t know if that part was intentional) and I couldn’t imagine a group more likely to be offended by the occasional (and fully superfluous) F bomb.
More than anything this movie reminded me of the stupendously bad New Years Eve, even more so because it starred Robert De Niro and Katherine Heigl (I am a De Niro fan, and actually like Katherine a lot. I think she is a talented actress and is shockingly hot. She just seems attracted to bad movie scripts like a fly to a pest strip). It had the same issues of multiple stories involving grossly underdeveloped characters, coma inducing plots, motivations that made it seem like the entire cast were all Barbie dolls being played with by the worlds stupidest giant little girl, and happy endings pulled from the darkest nether regions of the writers ass. I have no problem with happy endings (a fact that may come as a shock to many of my friends) but having everyone just forgive each other in the last 10 minutes like someone pumped the room full of aerosol Ecstasy bugs.
This isn’t the sort of bad that has me transform into a critic werewolf and shred it from stem to stern (Werewolf image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). It is more the type of bad that has me wishing they would let me watch these films prior to the final cut and listen to my advice (while the producers and director were all wearing a dog shock collar that I controlled). The acting was actually very good from everyone (with this cast I don’t know how you could get a bad performance), there were a few funny moments, and the one nude scene was like opening a Christmas present that you thought was going to be more socks but turned out to be a really hot nude scene. If this had been a made for TV movie it would have been perfectly adequate.
Before I go on I’d like to say that while the acting was really good there isn’t a single character in this film I didn’t hate with the burning passion of 10,000 suns. Each one was more annoying than the last. Even the hot women I wanted to see suffer horribly. They collectively had the believability and likability of used car salesman who moonlights as a cannibal serial killer (hmm. Interesting movie idea…). If the film had found a reason to call in an airstrike on the wedding itself I would have called this the best movie of 2013.
The story. Ellie (Diane Keaton-the Godfather, Murphy Brown, Annie Hall) returns to her former home (accompanied by a monolog that sticks around just long enough to really annoy but then disappears forever. Kind of a lose/win) for her adopted sons wedding. There she interrupts her ex husband Don (Robert Di Niro-Goodfellas, the Godfather, Meet the Parents) in the middle of an intimate act with his long term girlfriend Bebe (Susan Sarandon-Thelma and Louise, Dead Man Walking, the Rocky Horror Picture Show). He is an unlikable dirt bag. Anyway, their kids Lyla (Katherine Heigl-One for the Money, New Years Eve, Knocked Up), Jared (Topher Grace-Spider Man 3, Predators, the Giant Mechanical Man (?)), and adopted son Alejandro (Ben Barnes-the Chronicles of Narnia, Dorian Grey, Easy Virtue) show up with their assorted sub plots. Lyla is a bitchy lawyer who can’t have babies and is going through a divorce (but doesn’t drink and is vomiting in what could be one of the lamest in movie spoilers ever), Jared is a hot 29 year old doctor virgin (remember when believability was a crucial element to a plot point? The writers of this film don’t). Alejandro (Al) is getting married to a super hot girl (Amanda Seyfried-Les Miserables, In Time, Mamma Mia) whose parents are rich (sort of) racist WASPs (although technically they are Catholic).
Meanwhile Al’s birth mother Madonna (Patricia Rae-Maria Full of Grace, Swim Fan, Detachment) is a hard core Catholic (oh, I see what they did with her name. Not as clever as they thought it was IMO) who views divorce as a cardinal sin so Al has to get his parents to pretend they are married much to the dismay of Bebe. She arrives with Al’s super hot sister Nuria (Ana Ayora-Marley & Me, In the Presence of Evil, Meddling Mom) who wants to get laid while in America and targets Jared.
Ugh. The plot threads twist and intertwine in a way that would embarrass a soap opera writer. Jared decides that now is the perfect time to lose his virginity just as Ellie convinces Nuria that she needs to be romanced (involving poetry, apparently). Ellie and Don hook back up for no apparent reason. Turns out Ellie cheated on Don first but Don also cheated on Ellie with Bebe. Missy’s mom Muffin (no joke. Christine Ebersole-One Life to Live, Mac and Me, Amadeus) is a lesbian and her husband is the guy Ellie cheated with. Bebe and Ellie were best friends before. Jared finally gets with Nuria while Al and Missy elope and Lyla reconnects with her husband in the last ten minutes. Gah. My brain hurts just trying to recall all this garbage.
The stars.
Acting was pretty damned good all around. Everyone seemed willing to give a lame script their best efforts and I applaud them for their work ethic. One star. The nude scene was like a much needed bathroom break on a long, long road trip. One star. The priest was played by Robin Williams and he was freaking brilliant (as usual). Had this film had the wit to focus more on him it would not have been such a crapfest. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes.
Convoluted, twisty plot threads that annoyed the hell out of me and never gave the audience any one thing to really sink their teeth into. In addition each plot painfully predictable. Two black holes. Character motivation that was as believable as a homeless guy panhandling outside of a liqueur store trying to tell you he needs money for food. One black hole. The characters to a man and woman made me hate the human race (at least all the parts of it involved with the production of this film). As much as I am a fan of De Niro his character in particular had me chewing on my arm rest. Two black holes. A bonus black hole for the 29 year old virgin doctor. One black hole. None of the characters got even close to adequate development, leaving us with a bunch of people we are moderately familiar with and don’t give a damn about. One black hole. The curse words that helped this film earn it’s R rating felt forced and unnecessary. One black hole. Charging me money for a film I should be seeing on Lifetime mid afternoon when I stay home sick with the flu. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
A grand total of six black holes. Anything redeeming here? Like I said, Robin Williams was funny and there were a few amusing moments. If your grandmother was a hippy in the 60’s and still talks like it she might think this amusing. I am not going to recommend this one for my mother. If you do want to see it this thing has NetFlix written all over it in giant neon letters. Date movie? If your date is a huge Love Boat and Thelma and Louise fan maybe. Should she suggest it agree since if she has the slightest shred of humanity she will feel guilty for subjecting you to this dross and will most likely give you compensatory sex. Bathroom break? Try to not miss any of the Robin Williams scenes but other than that go at any time. There is only one nude scene so once you are past that the opportunities are endless.
Thanks for reading. I have tickets to a late night showing of Iron Man tonight and am really excited. Having just watched this will only enhance my viewing experience so hopefully I will have a massive glowing review for you tomorrow morning. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film I pity you as it means you have seen it but feel free to leave them at the bottom. Off topic questions and suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Scary Movie V Movie Review
Stupidly funny.
It’s ironic, since in most cases when I say something is stupidly funny I generally mean it as a criticism with some slightly redeeming qualities. 
Usually movies that are stupidly funny generally are trying to to only be just funny (or in some tragic cases actually serious) but the writers somehow suffer synapse failure and come out with the movie equivalent of Paris Hilton trying to be taken seriously as an actress. It’s funny in the same tragic way watching guys get hit in the nuts on YouTube is funny, but rarely what the creator wanted his or her legacy to be. (Brain Today image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
Scary Movie V is rare in that they intended to be stupid, and did so in a way that actually required a lot of intelligence to execute. It takes some real talent to have a audience laughing their asses off at a baby getting accidentally set on fire, or a woman having sex with a vacuum cleaner. Getting people to laugh at something intentionally stupid is actually pretty hard.
That being said, I think there are a few problems with this film, and the main one was I saw it the night before last and am struggling to remember anything about it. A few scenes stick out and I remember laughing quite a bit but if I were required to give more detail than “It was a spoof of a bunch of horror movies. Oh, yeah Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan had a sex scene that was pretty funny” I’d be in trouble. Most of it seems to have wafted through my brain like a fart on a windy day. Good thing I don’t have to write a review or anything.
Oh damn I do. Thank god for Google. Another issue with this movie (and the entire franchise) is that the jokes are really trapped in this moment. I remember seeing one of the previous ones years ago where they made a Callista Flockhart joke that was really funny. The problem is these days who really remembers Callista Flockhart (Ally McBeal)? Even those of us who do (like me. I think she was super hot if you like skinny) the joke just doesn’t pack the same punch any more. A joke about Lindsey getting arrested is funny as hell right now, but five years from now when she has done years of rehab and found Jesus it just won’t be funny. This is why you never saw much demand for Murphy Brown reruns. Political jokes just sound dumb even six months later.
While the actually Scary Movie movies are not timeless, the formula used definitely is. If you have seen any of them and have the wit to plug in jokes about current celebrities you can probably give the new ones a pass. Basically they take a half dozen current horror films and revamp them into something temporarily hilarious. In this case the movies used were Mama, the Evil Dead, Black Swan, and Rise of the Planet of the Apes with some Charlie Sheen, Lindsey Lohan, and Honey Boo Boo thrown in for flavor. If that seems a little shallow in the source material to you than you and I agree. They kept coming back to those four movies like vultures circling four rancid corpses, and like the vultures the movie had to struggle harder and harder to find the edible bits as time passed.
The story is barely present. The entirety of of the film plays out like a series of Saturday Night Live skits spoofing current movies held together with tissue paper and snot. It starts off with Charlie Sheen hooking up with Lindsey Lohan for a wild sex scene that will have you laughing before Charlie is killed by a mysterious figure in black. Charlies three children go missing and are found by Snoop Dogg (I though it was Lion now? He’s credited as Dogg) and Mac Miller. They are taken in and more or less follow the story of Mama, with Simon Rex (Sexy and I Know It, Sperm Donor, Slightly Single in L.A.) as the uncle and Ashley Tisdale (Donnie Darko, High School Musical, Phineas and Ferb) as the punk rock girlfriend. Simon is a researcher at a lab trying to give apes super intelligence (Planet of the Apes) while Ashley is a ballerina trying to do Swan Lake (Black Swan). Turns out the evil ghost was created with an evil book (Evil Dead).
That’s all you really need to know about the story. There isn’t much else.
The stars:
I was honestly laughing a lot during the course of this film, although damned if I know at what specifically. Two stars. Some of the spoofs were pretty clever. One star. I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed Snoop Dogg playing himself in this. Granted the role was of himself as a stoner gangster (not exactly an acting stretch) but I thought he was funny. One star. The rest of the cast understood how to deliver comedy, and there were some recurring jokes that were pretty good. One star. Overall I enjoyed the film and laughed a lot. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes:
Really forgettable. This time next week I will have a hard time even remembering seeing it. One black hole. If they could have sourced a few more movies, or just chosen a couple that were easier to fit in together it probably would have made for a better film. One black hole. Nothing really by way of a plot. One black hole. Total: three stars.
So three stars. Before I recommend this film you should probably understand that this film is as low brow as they get without being about homeless people boxing each other. It so happens that that sort of humor tickles my funny bone, thus making me kinder in my review of it. If you think films like this are stupid, or have seen one of the other Scary Movie movies and are only curious to see how this one is different you can probably pass. If this sort of thing is funny to you go for it. Date movie? Probably not, unless your date is turned on by apes throwing feces in which case depending on your own disposition you have either found your soul mate or need to run screaming into the night. Bathroom break? Since there is no story to speak of there any time is a fine time. I found the film funniest in the first half and kind of grindy towards the end, so any time past the middle should work out fine.
Thanks for reading. I’m more or less caught up on the movies I care about. Maybe I’ll find something indy or artsy to see tonight. I also have a list idea I am working on for all the sci fi fans out there. Follow me on Twitter @NerdkungFu.com. Comments on this film or my review can be left here, although I get a lot of spam so be sure to mention the name of the movie in the first line or I might delete it. Off topic question or suggestion can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
A sad day for Science Fiction
This is kind of a personal thing but since this is my blog I figured I can indulge myself. I found out this morning that Iain Banks, brilliant author of the Culture series, has late stage cancer. He is easily my favorite author and Use of Weapons is my all time favorite book. If you have not read it I highly recommend you do.
I stumbled upon that book while looking for almost anything and the cover drew me in. It was a cool picture of a city burning, and at the time I was really into military sci fi. The story however blew my mind. Mr. Banks crafts a narrative like no other and draws you into his characters amazingly well. His books are full of cool twists and plot points, and the Culture series is a shocking rich setting. If you enjoy Use of Weapons the next two I would recommend would be the Player of Games and Consider Phlebas. Both are excellent.
His books always have a dark side which I appreciate. However if you like the darkness check out some of his non-sci fi fiction. They make his sci fi look like a Smurfs episode. The Wasp Factory is as dark and grim as anything you could consider and if that doesn’t ruin your life (in a good way) read the Crow Road.
Anyway, it is a sad day not only for sci fi but in my opinion literature. He is penultimate example of where science fiction could go with the right amount of imagination based in reality, and makes most of the amateurish work out there look like 4th grade creative writing assignments (for example the book they based the movie I last reviewed on). 
If there were a god and he loved nerds he would send a miracle to Mr. Banks.
Dave
(Nerd message courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
I have a new favorite holiday.
So I just found out that June 1st is National Punch a Hipster and I couldn’t be more excited. I am already putting together a posse to cruise Temescal and the Mission District. Most holidays I celebrate by playing video games or staring morosely at my TV, but now I have a holiday I’m actually excited to participate in. Also, rather than playing pretend violence I get to participate in some real violence!
In truth I doubt I will punch anyone. I’m really not a violent person. However, be warned on June 1st if you cross my path and are dressed like a ’70s flood victim, spent an hour making your hair look like you just got caught in a wind storm (or had someone really fart in your face), are willing to argue for an hour that vinyl records just sound better than digital, and know that iPads are mainstream but are using one ironically there is a pretty good chance you will get your aviator sun glasses pushed into your face with my fist. If you are doing all that while riding a fixie there is a very good chance it will happen.
Die Hipster Scum image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category.
Dave
21 & Over Review
About as bad as you can imagine x2.
When I reviewed Project X I talked about how much I hated high school and how movies about high school kids having fun and getting laid sends me into a murderous frenzy (actually this is a recurring theme for me so unless you are doing something along the lines of Donnie Darko or Heathers you can expect me to excrete all over your high school comedy). However my natural resentment does not really extend into college as I managed to enjoy myself through most of it. Sure, I still wasn’t getting laid but at least I had friends and wasn’t inclined to kill either myself or everyone else on alternating days. 
Thus the opportunity for me to enjoy college comedy movies is wide open. (Animal House image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
Unfortunately 21 & Over took that potential good will and projectile vomited all over it. It’s a high school comedy without the issue of how to get more booze. If you took the DNA of the Hangover, Superbad, and Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (the really bad one), mixed it all up in a dirty ashtray and the injected into a pregnant banana slug the offspring might look vaguely like this film.
At this point I usually find something to say like “The movie could have been decent if they had just…”. I could probably find something like that, but honestly I just don’t care enough. I think the worst part about this film is the complete lack of impression it will make on your brain. If you have ever turned 21 or seen someone turn 21 then you have seen every funny moment in this film, and the rest of the “plot” is only so much paper towel used to clean up the mess. It really is unremarkable in almost ever regard.
I want to take a second to grind a personal axe with regards to this movie. It is rated R for language and nudity. Films that go R for just violence and gore are a waste of potential. If you are going to get the R rating throw in some hot girls. It will often distract the portion of the audience that likes girls from the horrible plot or whatever other miserable failure your film is maneuvering around. This film did that to an extent. However, for every two seconds of naked, shaky camera boob we saw (and I’m not kidding when I say the longest shot was like two seconds) they would gift us with at least five minutes of naked man ass (or dong). I’m reasonable sure that even girls who are into guys don’t want to see that much manflesh, and as a straight guy I can tell you it makes my eyes very sad.
Anyway, the story. Loser drop out party boy Miller (Miles Teller-Project X, Footloose, Rabbit Hole) and preppy future finance guy Casey (Skylar Austin-Wreck It Ralph, Pitch Perfect, Hamlet 2. By the way, who names their son Skylar?) come to town to celebrate the 21st birthday of high school friend Jeff Chang (Justin Chon-Twilight (all three)). They show up only to discover he has an interview with a medical school the next morning and his draconian father (Francois Chau-Rescue Dawn, Beverly Hills Ninja, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: the Secret of the Ooze) is there to make sure he doesn’t screw up (and to provide the only remotely interesting character in the film).
In spite of what is going on Jeff agrees to go out. At that point it is basically a non-flashback Hangover. He gets drunk off his ass. Casey meets a hot girl (Sarah Wright-the House Bunny, Made of Honor, All You’ve Got) who “forgets” to tell him about her boyfriend until after he is totally into her (speaking as a guy who has set foot in that pile of dog waste on pretty much a weekly basis can you women out there just assume if a guy is talking to you there is a reasonable chance he likes you and you should find a casual way of mentioning your significant other in the first two minutes? Otherwise just save him a lot of time and start the conversation off by kicking him in the nuts. I think most of us would prefer that). Eventually they figure out that then need to get Jeff home before his life is ruined but can’t remember where he lives. They do everything possible to find his home while dragging his passed out ass all over town. They have multiple run ins with the girls angry boyfriend, get branded by a sorority (out of basic human decency I’m not going to go into the events that led up to that moment. Sufficed to say I think I would prefer a fortnight at a forced labor camp to seeing anything that stupid again), discover Jeff’s “dark” secret (it is implied that he is suicidal and possible homicidal, but in the end they figure out that he just likes to party too much. F+ on the plot twist), and engage in enough drinking to kill everyone in the theater from alcohol poisoning.
In the end Jeff finally mans up and bitches out his father, has his penis stretched (again, human decency), and Casey gets the girl. Sorry if I spoiled the movie for you but if you go to see this thing after this review you are a glutton for punishment and probably get some kick out of having someone ruin stuff for you. You would have to be in a vegetative state to not have seen the ending coming from miles away anyway.
The stars. Some nude breasts. One star. In spite of how horrible this film is, there were some points where I laughed. I think it’s just some situations are funny no matter how bad the context. Seeing a drunk guy bazooka barf all over a crowd while riding a mechanical bull is as funny here as it would be in Citizen Kane. One star. Total: two stars.
The black holes. The film treats the story like a half dead abused mule dragging the plot from drunken set piece to drunken set piece. By the end of the film they whipped it to death. One black hole. Derivative of every drunk movie and most of your home videos. One black hole. Way, way, way too much naked man ass. Two black holes. Some of the plot devices were incredibly lame. One black hole. Somehow Miller and Casey managed to do a months worth of drinking and drinking games in like two hours. One black hole. The running gag about the girls boyfriend wasn’t funny the first time, and then they beat it into the ground a couple dozen more times. One black hole. The ending was painfully trite and stupid. One black hole. Overall a big waste of my time. Two black holes. Total: ten black holes.
A grand total of eight black holes. I think the producers of this movie hoped that the drinking theme would drag out the party animals and alcoholics, but I don’t think there is enough booze on the planet to make this movie fun. Given that there is so much good film out there right now give it a pass. Date movie? If you and your date are looking for a quiet, empty place to make out or possible have sex this one will do. I don’t think you will be sharing the theater with many people. Bathroom break? Anywhere you like, and by that I mean feel free to whiz all over the projector. You will be doing American culture a service.
Thanks for reading. I feel cleansed now. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review feel free to post them at the bottom. If you have off topic questions or comments you can email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Important Lessons Learned from Movies: Hudson Hawk
Last night at movie night (where we watched Johnny Dangerously, a movie that constantly hovered around good and funny but never went in like a very timid hummingbird with a flower phobia) the discussion turned to other bad/good movies from history. The subject of Hudson Hawk, Bruce Willis’s attempt to reinvent his Moonlighting character as the worlds greatest cat burglar came up. While this movie did indeed suck on many levels, on other levels it was hilarious. As I thought about it an important life lesson returned to my cerebral cortex.
The lesson is this: just because the plunger bomb gun plunger bomb stuck to you forehead turns out to be a dud does not mean the plunger bomb gun plunger bomb stuck to the wall behind you is (in case you missed it, the plunger bomb gun was my favorite part of the movie and I like saying plunger bomb gun). If you are faced with two forms of certain death it’s OK to run away from one of them in the hopes that the second one is less certain than it appears on paper. Sure, either one of them will probably kill you but if both of them are 99% than it’s better to have a 1% chance of survival than a 0.01% chance.
Bomb technician graphic courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category, by the way.
Dave
Lincoln Review
SPOILER ALERT: he dies at the end.
I honestly was going to let this one slide by. I had heard all the speeches were boring people to tears, and I have an issue with “historical” movies that actually treat history like a paper towel used to mop up the baby upchuck that passes for stories in most movies these days. I had heard that Daniel Day Lewis delivered a powerful performance, but my contrarian nature tends to disincline me to see what everyone else thinks is great. Just look at how long it took me to finally see the Artist.
Fortunately I have a friend who really wanted to see it and the fact that it is still in theaters says a lot about it’s staying power. Going in I was afraid the film would have me wishing fondly for a return of Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter but I was very pleasantly surprised. Like my experience with The Artist I found myself eating crow with my popcorn and wondering what the hell the deal is with my deep-seated psychosis that keeps me from doing stuff I should enjoy. (Lincoln image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category, incidentally)
The speeches and stories are indeed long. I can easily see how someone who has no patience or appreciation of a powerful performance or craves action films would find this dull, and for you sir I recommend Parker (the film I reviewed yesterday). I consider it a sign of my maturing cinema eye that I enjoyed it so much. In the years prior to starting this blog I probably would have been bored stupid(er). However, when you see every bad action movie done you find yourself craving a film based on more than explosions and cheesy CGI effects (I’m looking at you, Michael Bey).
The story is of Lincoln trying to ramrod the 13th Amendment through congress in the last few months before the Civil War ends. Not only does he have very specific reasons for needing to do so, but he explains them and they all make total sense. He does seem more motivated by the abolition of slavery than I happen to know he really was (Lincoln’s real motivation was always the preservation of the Union. The Emancipation Proclamation was a political move designed to keep France and Great Britain from siding with the Confederacy, and even the 13th Amendment was more to make his Proclamation legal. Here is an excerpt from a famous letter to Mr. Horace Greeley in 1862: “My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not either to save or to destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that. What I do about slavery, and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the Union.” This is why you don’t want to see historical movies with me). I guess some rosy painting is a good thing, although a lot of the really fervent Abolitionism was put in the mouth of assorted Congressmen.
At that point this movie becomes a political thriller as he wheedles assorted Democratic Congressmen to vote yes. He hires a team of guys to do a lot of the dirty work and is both aided and confounded by his main Congressional supporter Thadeus Stevens (Tommy Lee Jones-the Fugitive, Men In Black, No Country for Old Men). His wife Mary (Sally Field-Forest Gump, Mrs. Doubtfire, Brothers and Sisters) seems bent on making his life hell, which she for the most part does. His son Robert (Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Looper, Inception, Premium Rush) drops out of school and joins the army. Honestly that’s about it. This movie isn’t great for the story. It’s about the performances.
The stars. Daniel Day Lewis nailed this roll. Three stars for a stellar performance. All the supporting actors were amazing. Not a bad egg in the bunch. Two stars. Good story and well paced. Even scenes that should have felt like they were dragging were actually timely. One star. Historically accurate enough to not drive me bonkers. One star. It was really refreshing to see a Congress that can actually get something done and compromise, as opposed to the clown troupe we are stuck with these days. One star. There was almost no action whatsoever, and honestly the movie was better for it. One star. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. Not much, really. I was definitely feeling the 150 minutes on my bladder, but didn’t want to cut out for a break. That wasn’t a pacing problem. I think this is going to be one of those extremely rare gem among gems wherein I find no nits to pick. Well done, Mr. Spielberg.
So nine stars and not a single black hole. Definitely see this film. If you missed it in the theater NetFlix is as soon as you can. Well worth your time, and very true to the PG-13 rating so if you want to bring your kids to something both cool and educational go for it. Date movie? No reason not to. Nothing to really get her turned on except a weird liberal satisfaction at seeing justice done in our history. Bathroom break? I actually really needed one and held it. There isn’t a scene in this film you will not regret missing. If you really have to go to avoid embarrassment I’d say the scene where General Grant is negotiating with the Confederate peace commissioners. Less important than other scenes and you get the gist of it in a couple later scenes, but still try to hold it.
Thanks for reading. I’m seeing Warm Bodies and am really looking forward to it, so either I will be effluent in my praise tomorrow or so bitterly disappointed that the bile will ooze from your computer monitor and run all over your keyboard. I hope it’s the former. Follow me on Twitter (please, for God’s sake. My low numbers are starting to hit my self esteem pretty hard) @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post comments on this review at the bottom of this page (if you don’t see a comment section click here). Any off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
