Dating 101: The First Date…and Getting the Second…
Okay, as promised a couple weeks ago, here’s Cousin Nora’s attempt at some advice for eligible gents (and ladies) who are subjecting themselves to the joys and pitfalls of modern dating. Ugh. First, allow me to present my “credentials:” I’ve dated a lot. I was married once. I’ve had many GREAT relationships with fantastic men who just weren’t right for me. And I’ve gone on more dates than I care to remember. I’ve dated some daddy mac ladies men and can tell you what makes them so annoyingly endearing. I also have a brother who always gets the babes and another brother who never does and has given up trying. This is fortunate for the women of the world, since he’s the hairiest man alive. I also have four sisters by blood and many sisters by choice (hey, girls!) I have lots of guy friends as well. What do we talk about? Dating and relationships, of course. And here’s a place where I’m hoping to share some information, information derived from countless hours spent discussing men and women and every combination thereof.
I’d been thinking about writing a dating blog – and have even toyed with the idea of writing a book about my unique dating stories and relationship tales. I was further inspired to action when one of my closest friends and I inadvertently observed a date while she and I worked at a café in Silicon Valley (a mecca for the ladies since eligible nerds abound). Anyhow, Alexis and I were at this café and ended up sitting next to a man and woman who appeared to be in their mid-30’s. It was quickly clear to us that we had stumbled upon an internet date. Alexis and I have been on many of these dates (not with each other, tragically, as she and I share an addiction to men and their accouterment – more on why I’m bitter later lol). 
So allow me to present our daters: Dude: Attractive (but not hot), fit, white guy wearing jeans, good shirt, great boots (guys, don’t underestimate the importance of selecting the right shoes) (Chick Magnet image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). Chick: Attractive, fit, Asian (turned out to be Japanese) woman nicely dressed and coiffed. Let’s name the dude, hm, Brent and the chick Kathy.
It’s clear that Brent and Kathy have had at least some communication online because Kathy has brought a Tupperware container with stewed bananas in sauce and, at some point, the two share this dish. So they must’ve discussed it before they met, unless Kathy just travels with prepared snacks. When Alexis and I first sat down, Brent and Kathy’s conversation seemed to be going pretty well. We could hear Brent very clearly since a. The table was pretty close to ours and b. his voice was on the loud side. In fact, we couldn’t have ignored him if we’d tried. According to what we heard, Brent worked in technical sales and had a couple kids and an ex-wife who now lived in Japan. He liked to ride bicycles. In fact, he said that, at one point, he compulsively rode bicycles and had to discipline himself from overdoing it. Red flag number one: In talking about his exercise this way, Brent was bragging and pretending that he considered his compulsive exercise a flaw. It was like he just wanted to show Kathy how hardcore he was about cycling. At this point, Brent disappointed me and I thought he made himself sound like a total wanker. But Kathy seemed okay…her body language for at least the first 30 minutes of the date showed that she was into Brent and he had a chance at a second date.
But then Alexis and I noticed that he was talking about his ex an awful late. HUGE red flag! Not only did he talk about her too much, but when he talked about doing different activities, he referred to “we” instead of “I.” This was weird. Was he talking about him and his kids? Him and his ex and their kids? Was he thinking he was King Brent and utilizing the “royal we?” WTF, Brent?! He never clarified who “we” meant and, at this point, we noticed that Kathy seemed less enthusiastic. Why, you wonder? In addition to the “we” thing, at this point in the date, we know all this stuff about Brent, but nothing about Kathy because HE DOESN’T ASK OR SEEM TO CARE. We know Kathy’s from Japan. We know she cooks bananas in sauce (which looked pretty good), and we know she lives in or near Oakland because Brent thanked her for driving down to the peninsula and talked about Oakland restaurants near her.
Towards the end of the date, Brent kept bringing up different restaurants in Kathy’s area, clearly hinting that he wanted to have dinner with her. Kathy ignored these attempts at establishing date number two. Neither Alexis nor I heard Brent asking her for that second date, but what I did notice was that he asked her something, she responded, and then he said, “Well, nice meeting you,” turned quickly and walked out of the café as quickly as he could without breaking into a sprint. Crash and burn. Poor Brent. Alexis and I felt really bad for the guy because he seemed nice, interesting, and intelligent – and he was cute, as well. So what went wrong?
Fatal error: Brent talked waaaaay too much about himself. If we (ha) were to divide the time he spent talking and the time Kathy spent talking, I’d estimate the proportion to be 75% (Brent) vs. 25% (Kathy). That’s way too much talking time from Brent. And, not only was he talking too much, but he talked about himself the whole time. And about Japan and his fondness for all things Japanese. This creeped me out, since I was wondering if Brent had an Asian fetish and was just looking for Kathy to fulfill his Asian fantasy (or substitute for his Japanese ex). Anyhow, Kathy wasn’t as loud as Brent – maybe she didn’t want to share her business with that particular corner of the café or maybe she was shy or, by that point, wanted to end the date as quickly as possible – so Alexis and I couldn’t hear her as well. But it was obvious that he talked most of the time. By the second 30 minutes of the date, Kathy had shifted into leaning back against the chair with her arms crossed.
So here’s my advice:
This morning, I went for a walk with one of my closest and oldest (as in long-term, not seniorly) friends, Denise, and we discussed relationships. Since I am on a self-imposed “guyatus,” I’ve taken the last few months to reflect on dating, relationships, and my romantic life. As such, I’ve been talking with my closest friends about this, of course, and what I told Denise was that I’ve decided that I only want to date men who could be secret agents. How did I come to this decision? I was at dinner with my ICB (“Inner-Circle Bitches”), four women who seriously kick ass. As I looked around the table, I thought about how smart, funny, and pretty these women were…and how we all complement one another’s areas of expertise, skills, and talents. This train of thought evolved into a fantasy of us forming a secret agent den, combatting evil and saving the world. Then I thought about the men I admire, the ones who really get to me. Hm. They seemed like secret agents, too. The ones I wasn’t that into? Not secret agent material. James Bond knows how to date (duh). How does James Bond get so many chicks? Well, Denise and I think it’s because he knows how to engage in ACTIVE LISTENING with women. What’s that, you ask (because you ARE “listening.”) It’s when a guy (or chick) really engages and cares about what you’re saying – and AUTHENTICALLY questions and follows up on the information you’re giving them. Don’t just pretend to listen while you’re slyly gazing down her blouse (secret agents are VERY discreet about this, too, btw). Don’t give the standard answers or ask the standard questions. Really listen, like your future depends on it. Because it could. Listen, follow up, and remember what she said on that first date. And if she talks too much about herself, maybe she’s not the right one for you, no matter what she’s packing. And can nerds be secret agents? Hell yes! In fact, nerds are better choices for partners because they aren’t routinely shot at, they don’t have access to all sorts of hot women at work every day, and they come in very handy when it comes to stuff like integrating comments into your cousin’s blog (more on that in a second).
And those are my initial thoughts about dating and first dates…Cousin Dave (Head Nerd) is looking into making comments more visible, but, in the meantime, to comment on this (or any) blog, click on the blog title.
In the next post, I think I’ll revisit first dates and share some of the better ones I’ve enjoyed over the years…sigh…anyhow, I hope this helps in your search for THE ONE (ah, yes, Highlander…now HE would definitely NOT talk too much about himself on date one…or two… or three….J )
Cousin Nora over and out!
Important lessons learned from movies: Lethal Weapon 2
I am always looking for stuff I can do short blog posts on and have struck upon something cool. Movies and TV have for the most part given up any pretense of trying to educate the populous (and in may ways can be considered responsible for making humanity stupider in the aggregate). 
However, while the days of expecting anything resembling scientific fact or knowledge has gone the way of the dodo (an extinct species of bird. I never said reading blogs couldn’t be educational) there are still things to be discerned in the common sense department, especially if you plan a career in crime and/or world conquest (Curses Foiled Again image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). Most of these lessons come in the form of watching other guys fail, like “Don’t tell James Bond your diabolical plan and put him in a death trap when you can just shoot him.”
The first run at it comes from the movie Lethal Weapon 2 (1989). The lesson is this: if you screw up on a job that costs your crime boss millions of dollars in gold Krugerrands and he calls you into a late night meeting with only him and his enforcer and you find yourself standing an a plastic tarp, you might question him when he says “Don’t mind the tarp. We are having some work done.” In fact, it is safe to assume you are about to be killed and you might as well pull out your gun and go out in a blaze of glory.
Silver Linings Playbook Review
“Silver Linings Playbook:” Great game with a fourth quarter fumble
When I went to see this movie, I had no idea what it was about. When it started, I was happy to discover that, “Pat,” the main character (Bradley Cooper) was a patient in a mental hospital. So is his pal “Danny,” played by Chris Tucker. For some reason, I enjoy movies set in mental wards; maybe it just makes me all warm and fuzzy for home. “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” is an all-time favorite and my brother and I grew up repeating classic lines from it. There are also lots of movies that romanticize mental wards and the residents within. Another one that sticks in my brain is “Crazy People” with Dudley Moore, who recruits mental hospital patients to help him develop ad campaigns. And ANOTHER scary one I recently re-watched was “Shutter Island” with Leonardo Dicaprio. That was worth a see. Anyhow, if you read this and are offended by my language, I should disclose that I feel like I should get a pass because my sister is mentally ill and I’ve had to deal with that all my life, as has my whole family. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity and members of my family straddle that line more often than not. That’s why I liked this movie, “Silver Linings Playbook.” It provides a glimpse of what it’s like to have a member of the family struggle with mental illness. Wait. It’s never just one member because mental illness is a struggle for family members involved – and for family members who have chosen to no longer be involved.
But let’s start back at the beginning: In “Silver Linings Playbook,” we see that Pat is obsessed with his (ex)wife and won’t stop talking about her and the song “Ma Cherie Amor” by Stevie Wonder. The movie really starts when Pat’s mom, played convincingly by Jacki Weaver, pulls up in the Caddy to take Pat home…and then she stops and picks up Chris Tucker, another patient who seems to have also been released and needs a ride. Chris climbs in, only to be returned to the hospital shortly thereafter (seems his release wasn’t kosher and he’s more like one of those hitchhiking Pirates of the Caribbean ghosts). But the Chris Tucker character is really just a minor add-on that provides a funny beginning.
The movie revolves around the life of Pat and his parents, who let their son move back into their house. Pat and mom walk into their solidly middle class Philadelphia home and, as they do so, I was happily surprised to discover a domesticated Robert DeNiro as dad (I really didn’t pay any attention to this movie before I saw it, except that I saw it had good reviews). Robert seems surprised to see his son as well and there’s tension as we wonder if dad’s going to let Pat stay. But then dad embraces son and we all move in. This movie does a REALLY good job of portraying what it’s like to be living with someone who’s bipolar. Now, for those of us who deal with mentally ill family members, this is a pivotal moment: How do you balance having your own peaceful life with making sure your sibling/daughter/son/parent is being taken care of, preferably somewhere else? If you don’t have mentally ill family or friends in your life, watching scenes of Pat’s manic episodes provides a glimpse: At around 3:00 a.m., Pat crashes into his parents’ bedroom and wakes them up because he can’t find his wedding video. DeNiro and Weaver play this scene beautifully, as does Cooper. It felt so real to me and brought back memories of similar episodes with bipolar sis. Another vivid scene involves a similar episode that turns into an awkward physical confrontation where dad’s frustration and anger comes through sadly well. Wow. These people can act.
But this movie isn’t just about the difficulties of living with mental illness. It’s also very funny. The DeNiro dad lives and breathes Philadelphia Eagles and all sports of the Philadelphia type (Flipadelphia from Always Sunny image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). Seeing DeNiro in plaid sans-a-belt golf pants and Eagles cardigans cracked me up. Pretty quickly, we’re also introduced to Pat’s circle of friends, which includes a classic suburban couple who still socialize with Pat’s (ex-ish)wife. In an unoriginal twist, we see flashbacks of this wife, who Pat catches cheating on him, an event that ends with Pat beating the bejeebus out of some dude and Pat being institutionalized. We’re also introduced to the Jennifer Lawrence (main chick from Hunger Games) character, Tiffany. Tiffany is very cute, quirky crazy, and recently widowed. She and Pat immediately connect in a bizarre way and Tiffany begins reeling him in. There are interactions between Pat and Tiffany that are great and their relationship unfolds in a nice way…but then things go awry and the movie takes a big detour into Hollywoodland and never regains its original course.
I won’t spoil anything, and the movie’s still worth a watch, but the ending was lame. The lameness begins when Pat and Tiffany enter a dance contest. That in itself wasn’t bad, but the dance contest is connected with a bet DeNiro makes with his crony. That’s the part that’s lame and that provides the means for a triple dose of a Hollywood ending. It’s like the really clever writers who were doing a good job of creating authentic script and relationships got overruled by the producer who just wanted a happy ending. To follow the sports metaphor, the coach has been scribbling down some fantastic plays and the players have been following them brilliantly, but, sure of a victory, coach tries a 4th quarter play that bombs. Did the ending have to be so happy that the movie became another syrupy romantic comedy? I mean, I liked these characters and wanted there to be a “happily ever after” for them all, but did it just have to happen in such a clichéd way? It felt lazy and uninvented, which this movie hadn’t been. So, in a nutshell, is this movie worth the price of admission and two hours of your time? Yes, if only for Cooper’s portrayal of Pat, the fabulous characterization of Pat’s parents, and the scene where Tiffany wows DeNiro (a la Marisa Tomei’s classic “My Cousin Vinny” courtroom scene). The movie’s received much praise and deserves it, but did have its shortcomings, primarily at the end. On the whole, I’d give this movie an A-/B+. And there you have it. Over and out…until the next time.
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Red Dawn Review
Red Dumb.
I can’t say this film wasn’t competently made. If it were an original film I would probably have a lot of positive things to say about it. It is exciting and chock full of hot young kids. I could definitely find some black holes in it, but as a stand alone film it was kind of fun.
The problem I am having is it is a poor remake of a movie that wasn’t that great to begin with. The original Red Dawn was at best jingoistic masturbation material for uber patriotic gun nuts. Back in the glory days of 1984 Russian invasion was a legitimate concern and most of America was ready to prove their loyalty by watching this film. This new incarnation is pretty much exactly the same, but the fear of invasion by North Korea (Population 24,589,122. California alone has 37,691,912 and supposedly the Koreans take over the entire West Coast) is laughable. Sure, they wrote in some uber weapon but given there are 9 guns in the US for every 10 citizens that means California alone has 30 armed citizens for every one of North Korea’s 1,106,000 soldiers. This is the same problem faced by writers of Superman stories; he is so powerful that no villains ever measure up.
What’s funny is the original story was supposed to be China invading, which is something I would more readily believe. However, given that a massive amount of movie revenue comes from China and there is no way the censor there would approve a film showing Chinese soldiers being gunned down by the Acne Brigade, they made the financially sound yet intellectually stupid decision to go with the Koreans (with some help from the Russians).
No, it’s not the rediculousness of the invading country that has me bothered in this remake. It’s the fact that they softened the hell out of this film in the ongoing campaign to cat-ify (feel free to substitute any synonym for “cat” that you think might work in that last sentence) our population. As I walked out of the theater I thought back to the 1984 film and realized the one thing they did brilliantly was show the degeneration of typical American kids into savage, brutal freedom fighters. In that movie they count coup, execute prisoners, and in time become almost animals in their thirst for Russian blood. There is a particularly brutal scene where one of their own team is forced to swallow a tracking device and the local psychopath executes him without a moments hesitation. In the end they are more or less slaughtered to the last man while letting a couple escape.
Nope. None of that here. There are a few red shirts who die, but for the most part with a little really dumb training sequences these kids are ready to not only beat the hell out of more than their weight in professional soldiers but do it while holding the moral high ground. SPOILER ALERT: the transponder being swallowed is replaced by one implanted via a knife or something and once they figure it out the guy they implanted it into is just left behind to make his last stand. There is no brutal scene with any kind of moral grey zone, and at the end of the movie instead of showing the harsh last stand of the guerrilla fighters the Wolverines turn into some kind of super force equipped with Mad Max style cars that attack the North Koreans at will and destroy all in their path. There was one scene where one of the fighters had his own collaborator father in his sites which could have been brilliant, but instead they do nothing.
During the course of all the remake reviews I have done I have come to the conclusion that there are two kinds. There is the reboot where they take the original idea, rewrite it with interesting new concepts, and in the end come out with something that actually enhances, adds to, or exceeds the original. Dredd is the best recent example of this rarity. The other type is where they take the original script, modernize it a little, soften things up to keep from bruising the delicate psyches and sensibilities of the fragile audience, cast whoever the latest teen heart throb is to play main character, and ultimate do nothing but waste a lot of time and oxygen. Footloose is the penultimate example of this dross, and Red Dawn is another.
The story. Sigh. Just go rent Red Dawn and watch it while completely encased in muslin and bubble wrap. It’s pretty much Red Dawn Lite. The kids are prettier, less of them die, and they don’t turn into psychopathic killers. The North Koreans don’t managed to ambush and slaughter them with Hind helicopters. Instead of a rescued American pilot to give them guidance they have a team of Marines sent in to make contact with them. Oh, that reminds me. Instead of having them portrayed as struggling to survive while hurting the enemy as much as possible let’s give them a MacGuffin that will save all of America once they capture it. I have railed against this before but I have to say again: sometimes it’s OK to have a story that doesn’t hinge on saving the entirety of the universe.
The stars. Overall fairly exciting and fun, if you don’t want to think about it too much. If you have never seen the original you might quite enjoy it. Two stars. Chris Helmsworth was pretty good. I think he is actually a decent actor. One star. Some of the action wasn’t over the top. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Remaking a mediocre movie and taking out all the elements that actually made it intriguing. One black hole. These kids go from high school losers to the A Team in like two minutes of half assed training. One black hole. I am so sick of MacGuffin based movie plots. One black hole. 
I know this is totally petty, but with the exception of the Kalashnikovs carried by pretty much everyone all the weapons and vehicles were clearly American. At one point one of the guys asks to borrow one of the other guys SAW (as in M249 Squad Automatic Weapon, a support weapon used by the American army and Marine Corps. AK-47 image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). One black hole. In an effort to pay tribute to the Hollywood God of Stereotypes it is the black guy who has to sacrifice himself for the greater good of the team. One black hole. With the exception of Chris Helmsworth, his brother, and the black guy I swear I couldn’t tell any of the other characters apart. They were to a man and woman good looking young white people who looked and sounded exactly the same in spite of having some different back stories. Also, a good friend of mine from Washington was quick to point out that no one up there looks as good as those people did. It was like a big Ambercrombie and Fitch ad with guns. One black hole. Speaking of back stories, they inserted a few sub plots that really went no where, like the appearance of Russian Spetnatz and so on. One black hole. And finally, one more big black hole for basing a movie on a laughable premise and avoiding the only good premise in the pursuit of a buck. Total: eight black holes.
A total of four black holes. Meh. Worth seeing? I suppose if you don’t want to see anything of real value and are OK with remakes. The action is fun and if you are of a super patriotic bent you will probably need to change your pants after having all your violent pro-America fantasies shown on the screen. Honestly, you won’t feel like you wasted your time or money. You just won’t have gained much from it. Date movie? Hell no. Bathroom break? The whole training montage felt like a big fat waste of time, but that is pretty early in the film. Any of the non shooting scenes can be missed, but if I were to pick a scene I would go with the one where the three man American team is meeting with the Wolverines. I honestly think the last part of the movie would be better if you didn’t know what the magical device they are going for is.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter for the one Tweet a day I am averaging @NerdKungFu. If you have comments on this review or the movie please post them here, and if you have any off topic suggestions or questions feel free to email me at [email protected]. I just saw the Life of Pi and will review it tomorrow. As a preview, I have to say it is pretty amazing. Also, some good friends of mine (and die hard Star Trek fans BTW) are trying to get some money together for a sci fi film project. If you are feeling generous please visit their KickStart Campaign and do what you can. I promise that if they get the film done I will watch and review it for you. Thank you all for your support, and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!
Dave
Head Nerd
Wreck It Ralph Review
Rock It, Ralph!
A few months ago when I reviewed the movie Brave I sort of lamented the purchase of Pixar by Disney. My perception based on that film was that the vanilla Disney wholesomeness that is the death of so many films for anyone with body hair would infect Pixar like a retrovirus and basically turn them into a Disney clone. I made the comparison of a marriage wherein one of the two people has their personality subsumed by the other, creating a two headed couple monster based on the dominant personality.
However, after seeing this film I have to rescind that statement. It now appears that like the couple who actually morphs into androgynous versions of each other, Disney and Pixar are exchanging critical parts of their personalities (and possibly DNA) in order to become the same type of company with two different offices. I shall refer to them as Dixar, mainly because that name amuses me.
While it is true that Pixar becoming more Disney-like is a tremendous step down in the quality of the films they produce, Disney drinking the Pixar punch is a gigantic, rocket assisted step up to a new superior plane of existence. Wreck It Ralph is fun, exciting, clever, funny, and extremely appropriate for adults as well as most kids. The first sign that this movie might not suck came as I walked up to the theater and noticed the marquee. “Whaaaaat?” I thought. “A Disney cartoon movie that is rated PG? Has the world suddenly stopped spinning on its axis?” 
However, in spite of my sudden belief in the incoming Rapture (image courtesy of the the Funny T Shirt category) the movie was truly rated PG. Granted, on the G side of the PG rating (as in your kid would have to be the biggest wuss (I’m sorry, sensitive child) since Tommy and Annika from Pippi Longstocking to be upset by this. That might be the most obscure and geeky reference I have used to date, BTW) but PG nevertheless.
This movie does what every kids movie needs to do in order to not suck and that is make it entertaining for the kids while inserting enough adult humor and situations to keep dad from drinking himself into a temporary coma to escape the boredom (what was going to see a movie like for you as a kid, Dave?). There are actually some really funny and subtle jokes that will only be perceived by adults, such as the “random” extra security screening of Ralph as he tries to exit a game, and the Bad-anon meeting for Bad Guy support.
As is my policy for kids movies I will not break it down and assign specific stars and black holes. Such things are wasted and distracting, when really the only questions anyone should have are “Will my kid sit quietly for two hours and enjoy it?” and “Will I end up a diabetic and brain damaged from having to absorb too much sweetness and lame pap in one film?” The answers are respectively yes and no.
The story is of Ralph (voiced by John C Reilly-Step Brothers, the Gangs of New York, The Aviator), a Donkey Kong-esque video game villain who for the last 30 years has been climbing up a building to destroy it, only to be foiled by his nemesis Fix It Felix, Jr (Jack McBrayer-30 Rock, Despicable Me, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). He is tired of being a bad guy, feared and hated by everyone, and forced to sleep in a garbage dump. He goes off on a quest to win a medal and ends up doing so in a different game, Hero’s Duty. While there he accidentally transports one of the villain bugs to Sugar Rush, a cute candy based racing game. There, while looking for his medal he meets Vanellope (Sarah Silverman-the School of Rock, There’s Something about Mary, Heartbreakers), a cute racer who is a glitch in the game. The commanding officer (Jane Lynch-Glee, Talladega Nights, the 40 Year Old Virgin) from Hero’s Duty comes looking for the bug. Vanellope recruits Ralph to help her race against King Candy (Allen Tudyck-Firefly, Tucker & Dale Versus Evil, I, Robot).
I don’t want to get too deep into the story. It is cool and fun, with a couple of very well set up twists and a really good ending. Excellent writing overall. I hate sounding like the kind of wimp I was railing against earlier, but I honestly came close to tearing up at one point. Naturally I ramped up my machismo to keep that in check and on the way home fought some guys and broke some beer bottles on my head make up for it, but if you weren’t the natural font of testosterone that I am you might really feel an emotional connection. Of course, this being a Disney movie (sorry, I meant Dixar) they had to shoehorn in yet another princess, but overall I enjoyed the hell out of this film.
Should you see it? If you have kids then absolutely. If you liked Toy Story then I think this will appeal to you as well. Date movie? Absofreakinglutely. This could possibly be the best date movie of the entire year. I was having drinks with a girl before going to this thing and now I’m kicking myself for not asking her along, but it was a first time meeting deal and you can never tell what the best move on that is. Also, she said she doesn’t see a lot of movies (Incidentally, she is pretty spectacular. I sincerely hope to see her again. Of course, if it doesn’t work out I’m sure my next rom-com review will be that much more sour and bitter). Bathroom break? I don’t really know. Each scene is really cool in its own way, and are all kind of integral to the story. It’s only 101 minutes, so I would say hold it. If you really can’t I think the bar scene in the Tapper video game could be missed. I wouldn’t miss it however.
Thanks for reading. Skyfall review tomorrow for sure. I can’t tell if I’m excited or dreading it. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to post any comments on this film or my review here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Looper Review
Sooper.
I feel like I have somehow shifted into an alternative Bizarro world where the majority of movies are actually decent and not the intellectual equivalent of blunt trauma to the head. This is the third movie in a row I have watched and thoroughly enjoyed. It actually scares me, in the sense that I feel like we are somehow headed to cinema Armageddon, where the all time worst movie in the history of the world will be released and completely destroy society.
Of course, Jack and Jill has already been released and we survived that, so how bad could it be?
Anyway, Looper. I have said many times that time travel as a plot device is the potty training seat of movie making: there to help a toddler to not soil him or herself and learn to use a toilet like an adult. Whenever a fully grown adult wants to use the training seat it is pathetic and creepy. However, I am going to amend that statement and say that while time travel as a plot device is weak, time travel as a main storyline can be good as long as it is treated properly.
Oh, this film suffers from any of the normal time travel bugaboos. If you think too much about it the paradoxes will hurt your brain, and the fundamental Laws of Thermodynamics are bent over a pinball machine and raped. However, if time travel were feasible then the way it was treated in this film could potentially work without straining your suspension of disbelief to badly (unlike MIB3). It should be obvious to any reader of science fiction that the writer of this film subscribes to the “flowing river of time” theory of time travel rather than the “butterfly effect” theory. In other words, the flow of time has the means and inclination to correct itself and more or less remain on track when hit with minor events but a strong enough event (killing a man in the past, inventing something from the future, etc) will cause the flow of time to completely shift over into something new. Changes are shown for individuals, but the major events and even the individuals are not really affected. This really is the only way to approach a movie like this, although in truth I think the butterfly effect has a lot more credibility (dinosaur image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category).
However, if you can buy into time travel and are happy with it than this movie is an exceptionally well made and entertaining film. Acting was great from both Bruce Willis and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, story was well thought out and complicated enough to hold your attention without being brain strainingly convoluted, and the action was both cool and believable. Overall a great film. Just don’t let your mind wander down the dark paths towards annoying questions like “Why did they need to transport the victims back in time live? Couldn’t they have just transported a corpse? Why couldn’t they have transported them into the heart of an active volcano, or the bottom of the ocean, or the earths core?” Also it wouldn’t be a science fiction movie review from me if I did not point out how bad the science really is. The main issue I spotted here was the idea of being able to send someone back in time yet have them land on the planet Earth at all. There is no known central point in the galaxy and everything’s movement is all based on relative positioning. If you try to send someone back in time 70 years our planet will have traveled billions, if not trillions of miles in that time period and your guy should be on the other side of the universe (which would actually neatly solve your problem with regards to getting rid of a body for you).
I told myself I wouldn’t do this, but since I have started I can’t help but point out another major plot flaw here. If they can send a guy back in time why would they use the machine just for getting rid of inconvenient people? Why not send a guy back to win the lottery six times in a row and start a massive business empire based on futuristic technology? If you timed it to arrive the day after you were born you could make sure your youthful self lived a massive life of luxury and have things good forever.
Anyway, the story. Joe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Inception, 50/50, the Dark Knight Rises) is a Looper, a hit man in a dystopic near future who’s job is to wait at predetermined points for victims from 30 years further to appear and execute them. He and his friends live lives of luxury but are called Loopers because at some point at the end of 30 years they will have to execute themselves to avoid being caught time traveling (I know, I know. It is a less annoying concept when you see the film). Joe’s friend Seth (Paul Dano-There Will be Blood, Knight and Day, Little Miss Sunshine) let’s his future self get away and gets to demonstrate what happens when someone doesn’t close the loop. Joe ends up meeting his future self Older Joe (Bruce Willis-Die Hard, Fifth Element, Pulp Fiction) who manages to get away from him. Now it is a race to catch and kill his future self before the guy in charge catches him and starts cutting off body parts in order to make Older Joe come back in. Older Joe has his own agenda relating to killing a crimelord as a young child before he can become he terror of the future.
Honestly, I don’t want to get too much deeper into the story as I think it really good and you should all see it. The chance of throwing out an accidental spoiler is high. There are some cool twists. There are some great gun fights. Nothing gets blown up in the name of stupid cinematic. The movie ends super cool.
The stars. The story was great. Two stars. Exceptionally well acted by both Willis and Gordon-Levitt. Two stars. Great supporting cast, including a couple hot girls and the main bad guy. There’s also one little kid (Pierce Gagnon-the Crazies, One Tree Hill, the Way Home) who nails it for a ten year old kid. Remarkable. One star. A slight flavoring of a little rated R nudity. One star. A lot of story is delivered with remarkable efficiency. We are treated to a complex story with a minimum of wasted scenes. One star. The ending is really cool. One star. The director managed to avoid the sci fi trap of over explaining everything. One star. Overall a really fun movie. Two stars. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes. While I enjoyed the hell out of this film, there are any number of what I might on a crappier day call massive time travel related plot holes. One black hole. They movie kept showing the police doing…something? I couldn’t figure out if they were working for the bad guy or working against him. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand total of nine stars, and yet another recommendation that you go see this film. I really had fun with it, and I think you will too. Date movie? Maybe. The romance was a little tertiary, but both young and old Joe is what women tell me is hot so I guess it might get your date in the right mood. Of course if you compare unfavorable this could bite you on the ass. Bathroom break? The movie is pretty good in it’s entity, but if you have to go I would say the scene where young Joe wakes up chained to a cot in the barn of the hot chicks farm. Not a lot going on there that you can’t pick up later on.
Thanks for reading. Sorry I haven’t been writing all weekend, but I did a really crummy event (somehow the organizers thought doubling the ticket price was the way to increase attendance). It was a huge waste of time and I lost money. I am a little bitter about it, which means every minute I spend folding and sorting the t-shirts from the show is another hot coal you know where. 
However, the one positive thing from the weekend is I got to spend some time with one of my favorite show celebs, the lovely Ms. Maxine Wasa. She has starred in a number of films most notably My Stepmother is an Alien and is now a scream queen, starring in any number of independent, cool horror films. She has also been recently cast in a biker reality show with mans man Chuck Zito. More importantly, however, she is cool and fun to talk to (not to mention very easy on the eyes). She asked me to mention that she will be participating in the Rock the Walk event in Los Angeles, a benefit concert for AIDS research. If you are going to be in LA next weekend be sure to stop by and check it out. If you see Max tell her I said hi.
Dave
Branded Move Review
The weirdness on this film goes to 11.
So does the pretentiousness, tonelessness, and overall lack of story. (Spinal Tap image comes from the Funny T Shirt category, by the way)
This film was really not what I expected. From the couple of trailers I saw and the one poster I thought I was going to see a remake of They Live with the aliens replaced by corporate automatons. Instead, this movie wheezes from one story tone to another like a broken Slinky struggling to make it down a flight of stairs.
I can honestly say I don’t know what kind of movie this is supposed to be. The ad blurb describe it as a sci fi action/drama/mystery set in a dystopic future but honestly you could see this more as a psychotic breakdown on the part of the main character. It shift gears frequently and plays like five different directors shot completely different films using the same actors and tried to edit them all into one incoherent mess. There is the evil powers controlling our minds through advertising (They Live), the rejection of materialism (Fight Club), the possible psychotic breakdown that just might be for real (Brazil), the evil supermind controlling things from across the world (any good James Bond), a weird unintentional spy movie sub plot (the Man Who Knew Too Little) and the religious/science fiction epiphany that changes everything (Phenomenon, mixed in with a little of the Gods are Crazy), all wrapped up with a bow made of old Simpsons episodes.
On the other hand, at least the title actually has something to do with the movie. The film is about the evils of marketing and brand recognition, and is titled Branded. Kudos. On the other other hand, the poster shows the main character with an axe in one hand and a gun in the other, sort of implying some kind of zombie apocalypse survival/horror story. However, I can tell you the axe plays a very minor part in the story and at no time does anyone use or carry a gun.
The story. Young Misha as a child gets struck by lightning sent down by a giant space cow (no joke) and is given super human marketing powers. As an adult Misha (Ed Stoppard-the Pianist, Joy Division (not the band, as far as I can tell), the Little Vampire) is a marketing genius in the capitalist wonderland of Moscow. He is responsible for bringing any number of major Western brands cleverly renamed in order to not get sued by the real companies. His boss (Jeffrey Tambor, if you can believe it. Arrested Development, There’s Something About Mary, the Hangover) treats him like crap and is also some kind of spy(?). Misha starts hooking up with the bosses niece (Leelee Sobieski-Joy Ride, the Glass House, Joan of Arc). Meanwhile cut to a Polynesian island where Max Von Sydow (Shutter Island, the Exorcist, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close) is the reining King of Marketing. He has been approached by the fast food industry to help them regain lost market share due to everyone not wanting to eat garbage anymore.
He cooks up a scheme to redefine the nature of beauty, making fat the new gorgeous. He creates an extreme makeover show in Russia where a fat girl is going to be surgically altered into a skinny hotty. Misha and Abby (the niece and love interest) produce the show, but when the girl goes into a coma a huge backlash hits them both while accomplishing Max’s goal. Abby goes back to America while Misha moves out to the countryside to be a shepherd.
If this description seems long it’s because that’s how the story progresses. While in the country Misha has a vision and does a ritual sacrifice of a cow (that’s where the axe comes in) and gains the powers to see giant balloon art creatures coming out of people. Abby is back and brings him to Moscow, where he discovers the animals are the actual souls of brands. Big ones hang out at the stores selling the stuff while little ones manifest themselves in humans as desire to eat the burger or buy the computer or whatever. He now sees all marketing as evil and figures out how to destroy them by training the creatures through (mostly illegal) advertizing campaigns. Eventually he causes a rebellion against all advertizing and it is all outlawed.
Honestly, that’s the abridged version. There must have been 60 minutes of sub plot and pointless character development leading up to the first sign of alien creatures. The movie drags on and on, but what is weird is while you are never really engaged you are also never really bored. I found myself sitting in my seat with an interest in what the writer was going to cook up. There were at least three different points that the movie could have reasonably ended but instead opted to continue for another 10 minutes and each time I found myself wondering what was going to happen next.
The stars. I will give massive props for actually coming out with an original movie that does not conform to one of the Hollywood safe genres (although they cheesed out the ending IMO). Three stars. I kind of liked Misha’s character at times. One star. The cynical Max Von Sydow was great. One star. In spite of all the issues, once you start watching it you are OK to sit in your seat for the entire 105 minutes. One stars. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The movie cries out for a specific tone. Two black holes. Paced like watching old people have intercourse while driving. One black hole. The overall message was painfully prosaic. Advertizing is bad? Sounds like a paper written by a first year sociology major. Two black holes. A number of completely pointless sub plots that did nothing but pad out the run time. Also the entire Max Von Sydow vignette looked and sounded like an entirely different movie. One black hole. The ending was complete wishful thinking. One black hole. Rated R for no apparent reason. I found out that your movie can get an R rating if it has too much advertizing in it, which is ironic. However, once you know that is going to happen for the love of keeping my interest go back and shoot some nudity. One black hole. Acting shifted gears as much as the tone of the film. One black hole. There was a painful voice over monologue that showed up to periodically pull you out of the movie immersion that later turned out to be the only real laugh in the film. One black hole. At the end of the film I walked out with a massive “WTF?” headache. One black hole. Total: eleven black holes.
A grand total of five black holes. Honestly, there isn’t a lot here to pull you into the theater. However, I find myself secretly loving this film for what it represents: a chance to make a low budget artsy film and have it look about as good as any high budget film. Sure, the CGI looked like a balloon artist dropped too much acid, but it was acceptable (at least as good as the demon from the end of the Season of the Witch). Camera work and editing was also acceptable. I couldn’t find out what the budget was on this film (searching for “Branded” and “Budget” will get you so much marketing garbage on Google your CPU will melt down. Some days I hate the Interlink) but it couldn’t have even been a million. With this film I see the potential for guys with a great idea, a couple decent cameras, and some good editing software to make an awesome movie that could be shown on the same screen as the Avengers. As Hollywood keeps pumping out the same remake garbage like a sewer pipe running in reverse I foresee a future wherein talented writers and directors in Boise produce the next Citizen Kane.
Is it worth seeing at all? I supposed, if you like surrealism and don’t mind grinding through excess junk. If you are so inclined see it in a theater as some of the CGI would look lame on a smaller screen. Also, let’s do what we can to support independent filmmakers. Date movie? Not unless you are trying to get her to stop calling you. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but if you want a specific time close to the middle of the movie I would say the scene that starts off with Abby finding Misha as a shepherd is a great place to drop a deuce, flirt with the concession girl, and stick your head in another theater to watch five minutes of a different film.
Thanks for reading. Lot’s of stuff coming out this weekend. I am definitely going to see End of Watch and Judge Dredd so look for those reviews soon. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or review feel free to post them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Total Recall Review
Kind of worth recalling.
Total Recall does something I haven’t really seen a remake do yet: in spite of being pretty much the same story as the Schwarzenegger 1990 film (with some fairly big differences that don’t really have any bearing on the story), with a lot of the scenes shot almost identical in form and structure, and with exactly the same betrayals and major plot points, it manages to deliver an entirely different feeling and yet still enjoyable film experience.
It all boils down to style. Arnold is the king of camp, over the top action (just look at his clips from from the upcoming Expendables 2) and left an indelible comic mark all over the film. The writers of the original Total Recall seemed to have understood this and wrote to his strengths. The remake lacks all that campy humor (and while there is humor to be had here it is almost all exclusively call backs to the 1990 film) but makes up for more action and to be honest a more compelling and believable protagonist. What does that mean in terms of your viewing pleasure? If you want camp go rewatch 1990. If you are happy with a decent action film (albeit a little shallow) than you will enjoy this film.
Of course, like most movies that come out these days this film is rife with problems, and being a bitter soul I will enjoy listing them in detail. For one thing the director (Len Wiseman-the entire Underworld series) must have been blackmailed by the art director and CGI company because every shot is packed full of everything possible in a futuristic movie to the point of absolute distraction. It’s like if Godzilla ate an entire flea market and then vomited it all over the sets from Bladerunner. There is so many people, dystopic futuristic slums, and gigantic moving Hellraiser puzzle boxes that I often found myself trying to discern the character or action point I was supposed to be paying attention to. This problem was aggravated by the directors obvious love of thin, waifish brunette females (just like in another series he has done) as the evil bitch and helpful sidekick looked like sisters and were nigh impossible to tell apart, especially when they were wearing almost the same outfits. A red scarf or green t-shirt might have gone a long way.
I can also say that while was impressed by Colin Farrell (Phone Booth, Alexander, the New World) as Douglas Quaid/Houser, I felt most of the supporting characters were a little tepid and two dimensional. I don’t think this was a reflection on the acting so much as mediocre writing. Even the great Bryan Cranston (Drive, Breaking Bad, Red Tails) as President Cohaagan was cartoonishly over the top. He would have fit right in with the Arnold version, but felt disjointed and out of place here.
Finally, this film still suffers from the same issues that plagued the 1990 version in that the whole movie is based around an evil plot so complex and prone to miserable failure that it makes calculating the square root of -1 and the last digit of pi look simply by comparison. What if one of the 14,000,000 guys trying to kill the main guy accidentally succeeded? Was the final goal such a huge priority for the organization that they risked the life and sanity of the greatest operatives of all time, not to mention dedicating what must have been thousands of man hours to accomplish it? Plus a bunch of security guys who got scragged. Aren’t there like 83 less dangerous, complicated, or expensive ways to accomplish the goal? While the camp humor element behind the 1990 version masked this issue nicely, this movies secret desire to take itself seriously makes these questions much more prevalent and distracting. (Get Real image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
The story. This is another film where I can say rent the original and you more or less know it. There are a few spoilers coming when I talk about the story differences so SPOILER ALERT. Substitute the chemically desolate surface of the Australia for Mars. Great Britain is now Earth, and instead of a rocket to Mars there is now a super subway called The Fall that goes through the center of the Earth (I’m not going to black hole them for this, but the science behind this is pretty stupid. The core of the Earth is estimated to be 9,800 degrees Fahrenheit, and that plus the pressure would crush any attempt to do what they did here. Unless they have some kind of force field (and there was no other evidence of force fields anywhere else in the film) I sincerely doubt they would have any material on the planet that would survive this. On the other hand, if they did have some kind of force field they would have had pretty much unlimited power in the form of geothermal energy). Great Britain is the elite of modern society, and the unwashed masses all live in Australia. Other than that the movie pretty much plays out exactly the same. Douglas Quaid is a lowly factory worker who goes to Rekall and has a false memory of being a spy implanted. The process awakens his real memory of being a spy. His life is a huge fabrication, his wife spends most of the movie trying to kill him, and they even repeat the scene where his former best friend tries to convince him that the whole thing is just a figment of his fractured mind.
The stars. If you take this film as a stand alone film and don’t get wrapped up in comparing it to the original it’s actually pretty fun. Two stars. I liked Colin Farrell as Douglas Quaid. One star. I always like Bill Nighy (Harry Potter and the Deadly Hollows Pt 1, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Hot Fuzz) and Bryan Cranston is fun to watch even when I find his character kind of dumb. One star. The two females (Kate Beckensale-Underworld, Contraband, the Aviator and Jessica Biel-the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 7th Heaven, the Illusionist) were in a serious contest to see which was easier on the eyes (Jessica Biel won in my opinion, but it was a close thing). Lots of inside call backs to the original Total Recall, including an extremely brief but highly appreciated appearance of the three breasted whore. One star. I happen to like dystopic future visions. It much more looks like what I think we will be living in. One star. The battle droids, while obviously shoved into the film in order to maintain the PG13 rating, were all pretty cool. One star. Pacing was actually really good and tight. One star. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. The jumbled up nature of the scenes and the similarity of some of the characters made a lot of the action actually hard to follow. A lot of the camera work looked like it was done just to be impressive without actually having a specific point it was trying to deliver. One black hole. This film labored under the curse of PG13 in a big way. Robots were all horrible dismembered while humans had the gentle grace to die bloodlessly from bullet impacts the left no passage. One black hole. While Douglas Quaid was pretty cool, a lot of the other characters were little more than talking plot devices. One black hole. The complexity of the evil plot was the one part that did not survive the transition from 1990 to 2012. One black hole. One of the coolest things about the 1990 film is they really left the question of the actual reality up in the air, and while they tried to do that here in the beginning there was a scene that kind of hurt that idea a lot. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Not bad, and to be honest much more than I expected from a classic movie remake. If you are a fan of sci fi action I can definitely recommend this one for you, and the screen is so jumbled up I think you need a large screen just to sort out what is going on. It looks like they did not bother with 3D, which I think was the right move. Just too much going on for you to track. Date movie? Probably not. Very geeky, very guy movie with the added problem of showing her a story where the entire romance is a false construct based on massive lies. Not exactly the thing to put her in an amorous mood. Bathroom break? I am having a hard time with this. The pacing of this film kind of makes it hard to identify a less worthwhile portion. There is some filler from the first act but you shouldn’t need the bathroom there. I guess if you have seen the 1990 version you could skip the scene where the protagonists best friend tries to convince him the whole thing is a mental fabrication. It plays out pretty much exactly like it did with Arnold.
Thanks for reading. I apologize for not seeing Step Up Revolution on Tuesday and writing a really bitter review for it, but I just couldn’t motivate myself to get out of the house for that. I will try to see it or something else this weekend. I have the big Star Trek show coming up next week and am kind of scrambling to get that done, but once that is complete I will focus on more movie reviews. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment on this movie or review feel free to leave it here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Curse of Ryan Reynolds continues to plague the nerd world.
When is Hollywood going to stop trying to reinvent Ryan Reynolds as something other than a sleazy party frat boy? He seems destined to fail as any role that isn’t Van Wilder, yet they seem to keep throwing him choice roles.
What undeserved role has he been handed this time? None other than one of my personal favorites, Highlander. Yes, they are taking a near perfect movie and remaking it with an actor who once stared in a movie that featured a baby excreting into daddies mouth. While I’ll give him Deadpool as he played it in the bad Wolverine movie, this is just dumb. Can he really do a Scottish accent? Will he grow out his hair? Can he go five minutes without smirking at the camera or nailing the nearest slut?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong on this and he will surprise me. I thought he was decent in Safe House, now that I think about it. Maybe he can do something decent. It’s just that based on his performance in Green Lantern I kind of doubt it.
The pillage shirt I think is really funny. I found it in Dave’s funny t shirt collection, unsurprisingly enough.
Jason
A Nerds-eye view of Venice, Italy Day 4
Actually, Treviso Italy. Not a lot to report today, as most of the day was spent in marketing and operations meetings. I will say the meetings were consistently more productive and constructive than most. Maybe it was the fact that most of crew was severely sleep deprived, or we sat at a new table format, or just the magic of Italy, but we got a lot of really positive energy going across the room.
We spent most of the meetings in this really cool refurbished villa owned by the company I work for. Very nice, although you could find the bathrooms by following your nose. Afterward we went into Treviso, a very cool small walled town nearby. I took a ton of photos and will eventually upload them to my Facebook page once I get home. We wandered the city for a bit and eventually ended up at a small restaurant.
At that point the crew I was with opted to play the part of the drunken ugly American tour. Loud and obnoxious. I love those guys and have fun when they get hammered and tell each other inappropriate stories, but in terms of my Italian experience this was about as far as I could get without actually traveling back to America. Surrounded by drunken English speaking Americans I might as well have been on Riverwalk in San Antonio with my Warhammer crew, although I have to say my company business associated tend to have more respect for me and seem less likely to jump on me for being human. (I Drink Beer shirt courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve known and respected these guys for almost 20 years and like them all to a man. I just feel like we are back in New Hampshire when we all hang out like that.
More meetings today at the ultra modern hotel. I am looking forward to them but am also dreading them, as I tend to check out during certain meetings pretty badly (cough cough marketing cough cough) and am going to be struggling even more due to the fact that a lot of these will be in Italian. Wish me luck on that.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have any comments on Italy or these blogs feel free to leave them here. Any off topic suggestions or questions can be posted here. We are supposed to do some outdoor activities later and it is raining like hell, so I might find time to write up Snow White and the Huntsmen. Talk to you soon.
Dave
