Movie Review: Friends with Benefits
OK. I really, really wanted to hate this movie. First of all, the whole concept of friends having casual sex with no strings attached is so contrary to my experience it sounds like watching a movie about an eight armed hermaphrodite playing baseball. I have no basis for comparison and therefore the alien nature of the premise prevents me from having a connection. I have never successfully engaged in a FWB situation and, in my experience, an kind of sexual activity comes with so many strings that I end up feeling like a marionette. The idea of people getting away with this, especially two people as attractive as Mila Kunis and (I assume, based on what all my friends who are into guys say) Justin Timberlake, is almost infuriating. Also, I am thoroughly sick of Justin Timberlake’s perfect life. How good can someone’s life be?
However, as much as I wanted to pour the bitter bile of my life all over this film, it turned out to be shockingly honest and overall very decent. There is not an original bone in this films body; it is a typical Hollywood boy-meets-girl-for-casual-sex-but-then-they-discover-they-have-real-feelings-for-each-other rom com love story. There isn’t a single surprise in the whole story, except for the idea that there isn’t a qualified art director in all of New York City. The story, however, makes a lot of sense, there is real chemistry between the two characters, and there are a couple decent supporting characters. I won’t say it was a great movie going experience, but it is a good time watching.
The story. Justin Timberlake (just typing his name bugs me) is Dylan (could they have given him a sexier name? How about Studly McSuperpenis?), a guy who runs his own blog (the irony is NOT lost on me) in LA. Mila Kunis is is Jamie, a headhunter in NYC. GQ magazine needs a new Art Director and she recruits Dylan. He is at first hesitant to move to New York and she spends the evening showing him how great the city is. He abandons his employees in LA and moves out. As he is more or less friendless he starts hanging out with Jamie. They are both coming out of a recent painful breakup where they more or less got their hearts tossed in a wood chipper and then dumped onto a compost heap. They turn into fast friends and, as these things inevitably go (except in my life) start sleeping together for funsies rather than realsies.
Meanwhile, Dylan is working at GQ and befriends the gay sports writer Tommy, played by Woody Harrelson. I have to say that Woody doesn’t come across particularly well as a gay guy, but it’s obvious that he knows that and instead plays it so over the top that it gets hilarious. He dominated every scene he was in and added an extremely nice touch to the film. I especially liked him asking Dylan “You sure you’re not gay?” several times. However, for every Yin there inevitably must be a Yang, and in this case the Yang is pro snowboarder Shaun White. First of all, I met him back in my days of working in the skateboard industry (hahahahaha. They call it an industry) and he was kind of a jerk back then. I have contempt for extreme sports pro “athletes”, especially from sports so extreme that they actively try to keep anyone not “core” out. Say what you will about professional runners, but anyone can buy a pair of shoes and go running. Anyway, Shaun White plays a completely unnecessary bit character who brings the flow of movie to a head on collision every time he shows up. In a movie filled with really good actors delivering great performances all around he delivers a stilted, fake, Tweeki-like performance. Honestly, R2-D2 had more emotion and nuance. It is brutally apparent that one of the producers emailed the writers with something like “We got Shaun White to be in our film. This will help bring in teenage guys who would otherwise avoid our chick flick like this like a week old dead skunk. Find some way to crow bar him into the story”.
Anyway, enough of my personal bias. Dylan and Jamie bump uglies in a montage of sex scenes that are really funny and honestly shows a lot of what goes on when two people spend a lot of time together in bed. There were a few moments that seemed to drag on a lot and a couple that made me wish I had been simultaneously struck blind and deaf, but overall the montage was decent. Jamie’s free spirited mother showed up and added to the chaos. It was about that time that the movie started to get real. The whole “friends with benefits” thing really only works if both parties are true sociopaths, and since they aren’t they started to care for each other in ways beyond their original deal. They stop long enough for Jamie to get totally used by a jerk doctor and Dylan to have some kind of weird, awkward one night stand or something. They fly to LA together to deal with Dylan’s Alzheimer’s dad. Other romantic comedy comedy hijinks ensues. Conversations are overheard and misinterpreted. Feelings are hurt. Huge, cheesy romantic gestures are made.
The stars. Good story, well written. One star. Good acting by all the main characters and most of the supporting characters. One star. Mila Kunis was looking so hot with her big, puppy dog eyes and she spent a lot of the movie wearing just a bra and panties. One star. Whoever they got to be her body double for the brief nudity was great too. One star. Woody Harrelson as a gay sports writer. One star. Some really great and funny dialog. One star. I found the “laid back Californian dealing with New York city” entertaining. One star. They let the emotions actually go the way they should. I felt a certain satisfaction in how things didn’t really work out the way they all thought they would. One star. Generally an entertaining film. One star. Total: nine stars.
Now the black holes. Shaun White. One black hole. The script was as predictable as saying stubbing your bare toe is going to really hurt. One black hole. The whole Alzheimer’s dad sub plot, while adding some depth to Dylan’s character, was actually really depressing and out of tone for the rest of the movie. Every time you dealt with him on screen the film really slowed down. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have kept it in there. Just that it was kind of a bummer. One black hole. I also found the Jamie’s free spirited mother kind of unnecessary and a little annoying. One black hole. The entire basic premise of the movie. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
In the annoying-but-not-black-hole worthy category, I have a couple. While I enjoyed the Dylan as the Californian in NY thing, the Dylan having the perfect life in Malibu thing was annoying, as was the young nephew who wanted to be a magician. Not a bad thing, but just didn’t really add anything. Also, how that I think about it, Dylan’s older sister didn’t really ring as true as the rest of the characters (except Shaun White, who ironically managed to sound fake while playing himself).
Total of four stars, a really good score from me for a rom com. Good chick flick, but not really a good date movie unless you are in your relationship already. If it is a new thing she might misinterpret your intentions, which could turn into something really awkward (in a “I just got rejected again” sense). On the other hand, if you happen to have a friend you have been hoping lose by sleeping with for a while, this movie might plant the idea in her head. Don’t see it without a girl, and especially don’t see it by yourself, unless you are going to write a review for it, in which case you look totally normal and not at all creepy.
By the way, I just got copies of all the Harry Potter movies and plan to watch them all back to back over the next few days. Then I will see and review the newest one. I am not going to review each one seperatly but will instead do like a paragraph on each over two posts, than the big review. I think I am going to need a good supply of Diet Mountain Dew for this. (I thought the Wizard Promised you a Brain shirt courtesy of the funny t shirt category).
Warhammer tournament this weekend, so I won’t get it all done this week. Wish me luck!
Movie Review: Winnie the Pooh
What the hell, Dave? Have you seen everything else and your life is so pathetic that you have to see a kids movie to have something to do and write about???
Well, yes, kind of. Tuesday night is cheap movie night, and I have seen literally everything else playing at Jack London or the Grand Lake. I could head to the Shattuck and see something more independent, but I am still a little bitter about missing 13 Assassins. Also, I was feeling lazy and didn’t want to really drive anywhere.
So, Winnie the Pooh. At the time I bought my ticket I was kind of hoping that I would feel a wash of nostalgia and pleasant childhood memories, but unfortunately five minutes into the film I remembered that even as an appropriately aged child I never had really good feelings for Winnie the Pooh. Too sweet and innocent for me. Of course at that age my dad was taking us to the drive in to see One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest and Orca the Killer Whale, so I don’t think I am really a good barometer for movie age appropriateness. After the first five minutes of tripe cuteness I started hoping it would sharpen up to the point where I could call it Winnie Poohter and the Deadly Hollows, but that was not to be.
So I rolled into the theater and was suddenly overwhelmed by the creepiness of being a single grown man with no kids watching a movie for children. I sat as far away from any of the children and tried to look inconspicuous as possible. Fortunately an even creepier crazy cat lady (she looked exactly like the kind of lady who would kidnap a kid out of a shopping cart at Walmart) sat down two seats down from me, so either I wasn’t the creepiest in the theater or at least I was a member of a club. The usher came in several times during the film and gave us both the stink eye, for which I applaud his diligence. (Stranger Have the Best Candy image courtesy of the funny t shirt category)
Anyway, the movie. I am going to forgo my usual stars/black holes rating system, as giving this movie black holes for plot and direction seems unnecessarily harsh and brutal, even for the cold lump of flint that passes for my heart. I will instead talk about my impressions and then as a few questions that occurred to me while watching this flick.
I will say the film was pretty good in it’s intended direction. The children in the audience seemed enraptured when they weren’t screaming, crying, running up and down the aisle, or puking from eating too much popcorn. The film was narrated by the great John Cleese, which was one of the real highlights of the movie. All the characters had English accents, which was very appropriate considering the Hundred Acres Woods is in England.
Pooh wakes up hungry and is out of honey. He tries to mooch off his friends and neighbors (including single mom Kanga and her son Roo) but to no avail. He runs into Eeyore (easily my favorite character) and discovers that Eeyore’s tail is missing. The rest of the gang decide that they would have a contest to see who can find a new tail for Eeyore, with the first prize being a pot of honey. Meanwhile, Christopher Robin (easily the wimpiest kid in literary history. I predict a rough time of it for him in middle school) disappears and the gang thinks he’s been kidnapped by a monster that Owl dreamed up. Anyway, cute stuffed animal hijinks ensues. I don’t want to ruin the plot for you, but there is indeed a happy and heartwarming ending.
Like I said, I am not going to pick this one apart with my stars and black holes. For what it is, it is brilliant. If I were five and not a victim of parental abuse I would probably love it. Parents will feel a deep sense of smug self satisfaction for giving their kids some quality entertainment instead of the usual folderol. I am sure it is softening our kids brains, but at least it has a good look.
However, during the course of the movie a few questions occurred to me. They are pretty bitter and sarcastic, so if you are a massive fan of Winnie the Pooh you should probably stop reading now. If, on the other hand, you have a good answer to any of these feel free to respond here.
First of all, what is the basis of the economy of the Hundred Acre Woods? In Pooh Bears house you see literally hundreds of empty honey pots. Someone had to manufacture all those clay pots, and someone else had to fill them. Every time Winnie the Pooh tries to get his own honey he gets chased by bees all over the place. At the end of the movie Christopher Robin gives him a pot of honey the size of a refrigerator. Where do you go to get something that size? Then, assuming there is a secret honey bottling factory somewhere in the woods, what does Pooh bear actually do for money? He seems to be shockingly lazy and doesn’t really have employment. For that matter, what do the animals of the Hundred Acre Woods use for currency? It would be funny if they called their currency Acres. Seems to be a lot of borrowing going on there.
Second, is honey all Winnie the Pooh really eats? I understand that it is his favorite food, but really it’s not very filling. Furthermore, if that’s all you eat wouldn’t you end up with diabetes pretty fast? For that matter, bears require protein at some point. Shouldn’t Winnie the Pooh be suffering from massive malnourishment?
Is Winnie the Pooh kindhearted and gracious or selfish and narcissistic? Towards the end he passes up on a free pot of honey in order to bring his good friend Eeyore his tail, which is cool, but a half an hour earlier he had talked his apparently developmentally disadvantaged friend Piglet to do some really dangerous stuff in order to get some honey, resulting in Piglet getting his head stuck in a beehive. Winnie then beats on the beehive (with Piglets head stuck inside) and more or less enrages the bees. Sure, he give of himself for his “cool” friend, but treats Piglet like a door mat.
Where exactly is Roo’s father? Is Kanga divorced, or is he in the merchant marines, or what? In my mind I see him living just over the border of the Hundred Acre Woods in the Three Acre Trailer Park with his stripper girlfriend in a single wide. Maybe Kanga secretly sleeps around with every Joey (haw!) that bounces by and doesn’t know who exactly is responsible. I kind of see a deadbeat dad somewhere in here.
Is Winnie the Pooh (and the rest of them, for that matter) a real bear or a stuffed toy? He eats a lot of honey, but at one point the stitching in his belly comes undone and white stuffing comes spilling out kind of graphically (no danger of childhood trauma there, kids). So where does all the honey go? Eeyore’s tail appears to be attached with a nail, and yet he eats thistles.
Does Christopher Robin not have any human friends? Young boy, growing up alone in the woods with only hist stuffed animals and imagination for company? He’s one manifesto away from becoming the Unibomber. Seriously, this kid has home-schooled weirdo written all over him.
Anyway, I’m going to stop there before my house gets torched by an irate gang of grandmothers, librarians, and cute girls who had a Winnie the Pooh stuffed bears as a kid. The movie? Worth taking your kid to, I guess. Not worth going to as a single man with no kids, unless you plan to write an acerbic review. I will say you shouldn’t pay full price for it, as the movie only runs 69 minutes and about 6 of that is taken up by a cartoon short. However, I suspect that is on purpose as most of the kids were pretty restless by the end of the movie. Personally, I counted the shortness as a kindness.
Movie Review: Priest
So I had planned to see this opening night and pretend I was a real movie critic by coming out with a review close to the opening weekend, but it turned out my girlfriend really wanted to see it and made me wait until last night. She is really into vampires, which is something of a mixed blessing as it sometimes lets me see great films and sometimes has me watching pretty boy vampires sparkle in the daylight while I look for a spoon to gouge my eyes out. (Twilight sucks. Sparkle vampire image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).
So, Priest, in 3D (not really by choice, but it was my only option). This is not one of the great vampire movies, but it is also not eye-gougingly bad either. It sits, like 99.9999% of the movies I have reviewed since Paul, right on average. It’s like all of Hollywood has hitched up to the mediocrity train and is steaming towards Bland Junction.
The Priest story comes to us from a Korean graphic novel by Hyung Min-woo. It’s good to know their geek culture encompasses something besides Starcraft. The movie Priest, however, comes to us from the Road Warrior, Blade Runner, Dark City, Blade II, and a Fist Full of Dollars with a sprinkling of Star Wars for flavor. It borrows unabashedly from these and about 1,000 other movies and forces them into a arguably decent rehash, or perhaps new to younger kids.
Speaking of younger kids, let me tangent off a bit here and bitch about the fact that the family in front on us had a little boy with them who was somewhere between 2 and 3 years old. The movie was rated PG-13 for a good reason and at times drifted close to R in terms of gore and violence. The vampires would have given me nightmares at 12, to say nothing of 2. My dad took us all to see Orca the Killer Whale at the drive in when I was 8 and that pretty much ruined the ocean for me for the next five years. Seems like most parents I wouldn’t trust with a pet rock, much less a child.
OK, off my parenting soap box and onto my movie reviewing soap box. Priest is set in an alternative world (every other reviewer or whatever likes to say post-Apocalyptic, but the opening credits clearly showed both Medieval and WWI humans fighting vampire armies, so I refuse to imagine this is set in our world. Also, our world has some terrain) that is apparently flat and featureless as a billiard ball wherein humans and vampires have fought for thousands of years and more or less destroyed the planet, except for a Blade Runner-esque steam punk city where everyone dresses like an escapee from the Great Hot Topic Massacre. The city has for some reason purposely blocked out the sunlight, which is established as the humans only real defense against vampires (???). Paul Bettany plays a Priest, a Catholic Church super ninja who had his Ash Wednesday cross tattooed onto his face. His brother, who appears to be living on a farm that literally produces dust, is mortally wounded by a vampire attack and his niece is kidnapped. Priest needs to go back out into the wilds to rescue her and kill the vampires, but the head of the church, who I will refer to as Monseigneur Stupid, decides that, in spite of the fact that vampires were not killed off completely but reside peacefully on reservations (sucking on rat blood, I guess) and he loses absolutely nothing by letting Priest go off and get himself killed, there is no way the attack could have been vampires and forbids Priest to go. He goes anyway on his super ninja electric/solar motorcycle that can exceed 200mph on dirt and hooks up with the local sheriff who told him about the vamp attack.
Anyway, some other Priests are sent after him for no real reason except for the insult the first Priest gave unto the Church, including the new love of my life, Maggie Q. A bad guy in Western drag named Black Hat (possibly for some article of clothing he was wearing, but I can’t be sure) is involved. Vampire hunter hijinks ensues. Vampires and innocent humans get killed. Stuff blows up. Deep dark secrets are revealed. The fuze is lit for a sequel.
Anyway, the stars. The animated opening credits were really cool. One star. In spite of the limited material handed them by the dialogue, all the main characters delivered a pretty good performance. Paul Bettany was especially good. One star. The steam punk city and Gothic costumes were pretty cool. One star. The action sequences were decent and made sense (obviously they hired a fight choreography). One star. Except for the attitude of Monseigneur Stupid, the story was reasonably linear and more or less didn’t strain my brain. One star. The CGI was well done but not over used. One star. Overall the visuals were good. One star. Total: Seven stars.
Now the black hole. The dialogue was limited. One black hole. The whole movie was extremely derivative. One black hole. Some of the action sequences strained my suspension of disbelief enough to give it a hernia (sorry, but no one can survive jumping off a motorcycle at 200+mph). One black hole. After 10 minutes in a cool, semi modern dark Gothic city, they then spent the rest of the movie in a much cheaper to shoot open flat wasteland with NO TERRAIN FEATURES WHATSOEVER. It was like they filmed most of the movie in a giant parking lot. One black hole. During the course of the movie they kept hinting at some kind of character development that never surfaced. I can’t help but feel they could have added a lot to the film by exploring deeper the relationship between Priest and Black Hat, or even Priest and the female Priest. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
Also, like I did in my Fast Five review, I have a few things that bugged me but really aren’t worthy of a black hole. First off, the movie was only 88 minutes. I don’t feel like the pacing really suffered for being short, which is why this doesn’t get them a black hole, but if I am going to pay $10 for a movie ticket I want to feel I am getting a decent value. Remember all that missing character development I gave you a black hole for? Maybe sticking a few minutes of that into this movie might have made my wallet feel better. Also, I can honestly say I feel ripped off for paying an extra $4 for 3D. The 3D did absolutely nothing to enhance the film and was hardly noticeable, at least until my usual 3D headache started to kick in.
So, a total of 2 stars. Not bad, not great. If you are a fan of Blade style action see it on a big screen. Don’t waste your money on 3D. I think overall it’s worth seeing in a theater, as a lot of the visuals and action may suffer on a smaller screen.
That’s it. I have an idea for something funny for tomorrow so check back. Have a great day.
Movie Review: Water for Elephants, or Circus Titanicus.
Yes, I’m back on the movie kick. I had planned to see Furious Five in hopes it would both suck and blow, but turns out it’s insanely popular and sold out. The only thing out there I thought even worth considering was Water for Elephants, which appeared to be a movie about water and elephants (there’s a circus in there somewhere too).
I was surprised, as I knew it was based on a book everyone tells me was amazing and I expected the movie to turn into one of my boring “the movie was decent” reviews that I might not even write up the next day. The surprise was not that it wasn’t great or even that it wasn’t bad but that it was painfully bland. Throughout the course of the movie I wasn’t motivated to leave the theater but if the film had broke or aliens broke in from another dimension forcing us to flee the cinema I don’t think I would have been really at all upset. It was kind of like flipping playing cards into an open hat; you gain nothing from doing it, and even if you get skilled enough to hit it 100% no one on the planet will be even remotely impressed.
I was also surprised in that it has been a while since I saw a movie that was such a blatant rip off of another, more successful movie. The movie in question was James Cameron’s Titanic. Does any of this sound familiar? An elderly person finds an excuse to tell a story from the first part of the last century about a star crossed romance between a lower class pretty boy and the married (or engaged. My Titanic knowledge is somewhat limited) wife of a complete jerk on a vehicle that is headed to a disaster of some kind. The only difference between the two movies really is James Cameron had the integrity to let the movie end on a down note, while Water for Elephants drew it’s inspiration from the Disney school of movie writing.
Anyway, the story. SPOILER ALERT: I will probably give away more details of this film than usual for this one, but in a very real sense I am giving away nothing as the story is as predictable as watching a digital clock advance. Trust me when I say there are absolutely no surprises in store for you. Anyway, an old man is found wandering around a circus and finds the flimsiest pretext to tell the manager the story of how he joined the circus back in 1931. Pretty boy, national spokesman for eyebrow growth, and perennial bad actor Robert Pattinson plays a character ironically (or stupidly) named Jacob who, while starting his absolute, final exam at Cornell to become a veterinarian and have a good life and career, is pulled out to be told his parents, whom he had just seen like 10 minutes ago, were killed in a car wreck, leaving him destitute and homeless during the Great Depression. He finds his father bankrupted the family paying for his education and then, instead of going back to Cornell and getting the piece of paper that would get him a life, decides to see what being a hobo (that’s an old fashioned word for being homeless) was like. He jumps a train that happens to have a circus on it. After dealing with some local color he is hired by the owner, played by the awesome Christoph Waltz (Inglorious Basterds) to be the circus veterinarian.
Waltz’s policy, apparently in order to avoid the hassle of dealing with unemployment claims, was to toss men he wanted to fire off the train while it was moving. No joke. During one night he tosses nine guys off. You would think the trail of bodies would eventually lead some kind of authority to the circus, but it looked like the police were far more motivated to enforce Prohibition laws. Anyway, just an aside.
Jacob meets the wife of the circus owner (played by Reese Witherspoon) and, during the course of the movie, proceeds to fall in love with her in one of the worst on screen romances I have ever seen. Seriously, there was much better chemisty between Reese and Christoph at the start of the movie (possibly because Christoph can act). The romance between Reese and Pattinson looked as natural and real as a little girl making her Ken and Barbie dolls kiss.
Anyway, Waltz buys an elephant named Rosie, who is easily the most appealing character in the whole film. Jacob is given the job of training her, which August, Watlz’s character, seems to think can only be done by beating the hell out of her in a couple scenes that will make you want to vomit if you have any love of animals. Jacob, in yet another phases-of-the-moon-like predictable scene tries love which, low and behold, works. Actually, it works when he discovers Rosie apparently only responds to commands given in Polish (???). I guess there was some kind of connection between Polish speakers and elephant training. Also I guess elephants can’t be retrained to listen to commands in any other language once they learned one. Not known for their memories, apparently.
Oh, god. I just did a little research to see if August was at all a common male name in America and have discovered that the most common baby name for boys in 2009 was Jacob. Some days I hate America. Twilight sucks.
Anyway, circus hijinx ensue. Guys get tossed off trains. Love finds it’s awkward way onto the screen in spite of Reese and Roberts attempt to convince you that they both reproduce asexually. A million minor characters are added for color and then disappear like flatulence on a windy night. The big disaster alluded to at the beginning of the movie strikes, leaving the star crossed love birds free to pursue their dreams of a tepid marriage. Jacob finally does what he should have done in the first five minutes and gets his veterinary degree and a career. I won’t give it totally away, but the final conclusion is so insipid and dumb that the movie would not have at all been damaged if alien invaders had landed and probed all the main characters (in fact, it would have been dramatically improved).
First the stars. Watching the HBO show Carnivale has given me a liking of circus themes. One star. Christoph Waltz. Two stars. Rosie the elephant. One star. The depression era scenery and clothing were all pretty good. One star. Reese Witherspoon is hot. One star. The filming and pacing were decent. One star (can you tell I”m reaching here?). Total: six stars.
Now the black holes. Jacob doesn’t get his degree like a moron. One black hole. Romantic chemistry similar to mixing two glasses of tap water together. Two black holes. There is no established motivation for anyone to do anything, especially August to not chuck Jacob off the train first thing. One black hole. A lot of effort is spent trying to establish that the circus performers and roustabouts are all one big family, right before August tosses a bunch of them off the train. One black hole for discontinuity. Titanic rip off. One black hole. I should give one black hole for every seemingly interesting supporting character who disappeared after two lines, but will restrain myself. Two black holes. The plot device of firing people by tossing them off the train when simply saying “You’re fired ” (Trump) would have sufficed really bugged me. One black hole. Animal cruelty, even in cinema, really puts me off my feed. One black hole. There was a distinct lack of grime and despair that one normally associated with Depression era films (see Carnivale if you haven’t). One black hole. Total: 11 black holes.
Grand total of five black holes. Not great. Not even worth seeing in a theatre (I Hate Theatre image courtesy of the funny political t shirts category). Honestly, if you have two hours of you life with nothing better to do watch it on NetFlix streaming. Your mom would probably like it, so if you are looking for something to do with her that won’t cause your brain to shrivel up too much, take her to a matinee.
Incidentally, it does give me a warm feeling to help contribute another nail in the coffin of Robert Pattinson’s career (Twilight sucks), although that wasn’t my intent when I saw the movie. I just wish I didn’t also have to hurt Christoph Waltz’s in order to do it.
Some thoughts on the death of Usama Bin Laden
Before I get into this, my apologies for not posting more frequently. I had yet another show to do this last weekend, and while it taught me some good lessons (mostly about approaching shows in Southern California with more caution) they always turn into a ton of extra work. I am still folding shirts. Also I have a couple huge new projects to work on.
However, I don’t like to make excuses and will endeavor to post more often. I think I am going to see the new Fast and Furious movie tonight, which should turn into movie review gold tomorrow if it sucks like I expect. Of course I heard on the Howard Stern Show that it grossed a ton over the weekend, so it might end up being disappointingly good.
It seems appropriate to comment on the long awaited death of Usama Bin Laden, evil mastermind behind the 9/11 tragedy. It’s funny, because I am by nature more drawn to the evil villains in movies and comic books. I sometimes imagine myself to be an evil genius bent on world domination. However, while this is all well and good in the wonderful world of fantasy, it is rare that we run into someone who can truly be called evil in real life.
Make no mistake. Usama Bin Laden was a scumbag of the highest order. He killed thousands of innocent men, women, and even children to promote an agenda that for the most part none of us had ever heard of or for that matter gave a crap about. Hitler was evil, but he had the decency to direct his evil at obvious targets (I am not in any way endorsing anything Hitler did. Just pointing out that he did not resort to random attacks on people who he had not clearly identified as his enemies. He sucks too). I had never even heard of al Queda before 9/11, nor had I or any of the people in the World Trade Center been guilty of any of the offenses they claimed to be fighting against.
It should also be noted that he was also a cowardly hypocrite. He sent other guys on suicide missions while he sat happy in his Pakistani mansion. He kept innocent women on his property as a human shield and when finally faced with his just reward used one to protect his worthless ass.
I think it fair to say that, while I am extremely proud to be an American, I don’t drip with patriotic mucus. I have been know to distrust our government and question the directions we have been taking. However, when I heard about Bin Laden yesterday (thank you to the lovely Katie for the text) I felt so wonderful to be an American. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from the sky and all of a sudden all sorts of things seemed possible. I went out to dinner last night and everyone I saw seemed more upbeat. Kudos to the Navy Seals who put paid to that bastard, as well as the rest of the US Armed forces and President Obama for a job well done. I give you all bonus props for shifting all the media focus off the incredibly boring royal wedding. Thank you.
(Game Over image courtesy of the political t shirt category)
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 20: Getting the number on the first meeting
Sorry again about not blogging a lot this week, but the fact is twice a year I get a ton of new shirts and this is the week they have arrived. I spent the last two days working on 11 new shirts. 
My favorite of the new one has to be this Zoolander shirt. It’s the logo from the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can’t Read Good and Want to Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too shirt. Hilarious (image courtesy of the funny t shirts category)
I’m going to make this one brief, as I have to write a newsletter as soon as I get this done. Basically this is the last of my online dating posts for a while, since after the first horribly awkward meeting the potential relationship usually devolves into a normal dating situation. The one last thing that is significantly different from “normally” meeting the girl is that, unlike meeting someone at a club or political rally, there is a pretty good chance at the end of the date you still don’t have her number. You could simply head home and email her, asking for her number, but personally I don’t like to rely on that. Remember what I said months ago: most women are looking for an excuse to drop you like a bad habit, and being a wimp on the phone number is the perfect rip cord for most of them. Also, remember it is super easy to ignore an email, and her having written evidence of you having to beg her for her number will come back later and bite you on the ass.
You can actually get a pretty good read for your odds of getting her number by how long she sits with you at that first meeting. It breaks down like this:
10 minutes or less-uh oh.
11-30 minutes-not really likely to happen. Odds are she was trying to be open minded and give you a chance, and you blew it. This range can often times result in you getting a fake number, usually to one of those rejection lines but sometimes to something funny like a bowling alley or adult book store.
31-60 minutes-really about 50/50 here. You didn’t offend her visually or verbally, and she has probably put you into the “maybe” category. However, know that you are dating on thin ice here and are one major misstep from a complete dating meltdown. Tread softly, my freind.
61-120 minutes-really good. Probably about 80% here. She had a good time hanging out with you and would most likely be willing to see you again (either that or she has been treating listening to you talk like slowing down on the freeway to look at a traffic accident). You likely have a little more leeway in the making mistakes area, although honestly that varies quite a bit and can still mean one.
121-240 minutes-excellent. Hopefully you took her to dinner and the two of you had a great time. Also hopefully you didn’t tell her your life story or bore her all night with stories about your blog or commercial website. You would have to screw up pretty badly in the last 10 minutes to fail here.
241+ minutes-believe it or not, eventually you reach the point of diminished returns and your odds start to drop. If she feels like she already knows you or has spent a lot of time with you she may well lose interest. If the meeting goes four hours it will feel like a date. If it goes more than that it will probably feel like an all day meeting. Try to cut out after three to four hours. Make it look like you have some kind of life to get back to.
Anyway, it’s time to ask for her number. How best to do this? I find this is one of those unusual situations wherein being straight up and honest works best. Just look her in the eye and say something like “This is great. We should definitely hang out again.” If she replies positively whip out your cell phone and say “What is your number?” It would be polite of you to dial immediately so she has yours and knows you are not some kind of nut with caller ID blocked or something. At that point shake her hand and go home to plan something great for your first date.
Gotta run. Still not sure what do do next for dating. The girl I am seeing turned me on to some new music today so maybe I’ll review the one band she gave me a burned CD of. I’ll figure it out tomorrow. Any dating questions or subject suggestions would be seriously considered.
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 12: interpreting photos
Before I get into this blog, I would like to mention that last night I went to movie night at my friend’s house and we saw Machete. I won’t bother to do a review, as it is both kind of old and amazing and doesn’t really need my input. I will say, however, if you haven’t seen it do so as soon as possible and if you have and don’t like it than you must be some kind of soulless abomination.
Anyway, more dating advice. By the way, a reader named Rachel commented on my last one on understanding posted careers and mentioned that incomes on personal listing are almost universally inflated by 30% for both men and women. I guess everyone is a liar.
Let’s talk about photos. Here’s the deal. Everyone on this planet, no matter how repulsive or disfigured, owns at least one photo wherein the light was perfect, the camera angle dead on, the clothing and makeup to the maximum benefit, and the planets in the correct alignment to give them a really good looking photo. Never, as a rule, trust a post that only has a single image. Assuming it’s even the person’s actual photo, there is something remarkably suspicious about a single photo.
That being said, let’s look into the subtle (and less-than-subtle) clues that can be gleaned from the types of images used by posters.
Blurred image. In this day and age, we really have simplified photographic technology to the point where any idiot can shoot a clear shot. Therefore, if someone posts a blurry image he or she is doing it for a very specific reason. Usually this is not a weight issue, as the image has to be Hubble-blurry in order to hide someone’s gross obesity, but it could easily be a bad skin condition, wandering eye, missing teeth, missing ear, baldness, or any number of appearance issues real or imagined. I’d say stay away from this one, as in my experience people who think they should hide their disfigurements rarely have the personality required to overcome them. The ones who have that personality generally don’t hide it.
Head only. Massive body insecurities, most likely for a good reason. This typically translates into kind of or really fat, but sometimes just some major self esteem issues.
Head Shot. This is where he or she went to a professional studio (often in a mall) and paid for head shots. This breaks down into two kinds of people. The first is a wannabe actor or actress and is probably reasonably hot, but a massive pain in the ass to date. They have an overinflated sense of themselves coupled with frustration at having to hang with the unwashed masses, including you. The second type is someone who is actually pretty unattractive but thinks they are stunningly hot. They are also a major pain in the ass to deal with, especially if you ever make the mistake of introducing him or her to your friends. As a matter of fact, just stay away from head shots.
Prom picture with date cut out. This is probably the only photo this person has where he or she is well dressed and groomed. Also, they kind of still wish they were in high school. I tend to find a lot of younger single moms post this one, so odds are reasonably good the baby daddy is in the missing part.
Picture that is obviously a couple with the other person cut out. This is really more of a girl thing than a guy thing. The thing is, some kinds of women are really only happy when they are with their significant other, and therefore only really look good while with that person (or think they do) and therefore use old couple photos to show it. This girl typically defines her existence around her relationship but then two years later feels bitter and angry because she doesn’t have a life outside of it. She will most likely feel vaguely unhappy at all times. Also, if you develop a relationship with her she will probably climb up your ass and set up base camp.
Picture with a dog (or dogs). For guys, this is either OK or kind of fake. It’s OK if he has a dog he loves and hangs out with all the time. He will probably be a decent guy to date and have a really good job. It’s fake if he managed to get a picture with a random dog in the (more or less true) belief that being shown with a dog will make him more appealing to women. Odds are he only wants to get laid and will lie extensively to do so. 99.99% of guys with dog shots will be with a big dog, like a German Sheppard or Chocolate Lab. If you run into the .01% that shows a poodle or Dachshund make sure you are in the men-seeking-women section. (Wiener dog image courtesy of the funny t shirt category).
For women it also breaks down into two categories, but it is pretty simple: big dog or purse dog. If she is seen with one or two big dogs she is probably very independent and harbors a secret hatred of men (I know, I am being kind of a jerk here. This is just my experience). She will never admit it but suffers from some pretty serious self esteem issues and doubts her self worth (again, these are generalizations. I am sure there are many, many exceptions out there and I am some kind of idiot). On the other hand, if you can play through these issues she will probably make a great girlfriend and wife in the “we-are-partners” sort of way. She also probably has a kick ass job so if you are looking to be a stay at home dad roll with it. If, however, she is shown holding a dog that would probably lose in a fight against a hamster, especially if she is holding it’s face against hers in a super annoying closeup with a scrunchy full face smile, than I would bet a lot of money that she is EXTREMELY high maintenance. You had better be able to cater to all her emotional, financial, and physical needs (and trust me, the list will be extensive).
That’s it for now. More tomorrow as long as I don’t get crucified by some of my big dog owning women friends later on tonight (and yet, that would kind of prove my point). As for my who-would-win question, Slimer from Ghostbusters verses Casper the Friendly Ghost, I think I am going to have to go with Slimer. Sorry, Casper, but being friendly doesn’t get you much in a fight to the death (or whatever it is you do when you are already dead).
For today, more Star Trek. Who would win: ego inflated hair pile Riker versus drunken Chief Engineer Scott?
Movie review: Twilight Eclipse
OK, I admit this is not the first movie I would have chosen to see. Also, I know that this movie came out months ago, but here’s the deal. The girl I am currently seeing more or less strong armed me into watching this opus, and given that I have picked pretty much everything else we have seen together I owed her one.
To be fair, this is a movie series I should at least be familiar with. It has vampires and werewolves, two areas that until this series more or less was hijacked by the teeniebopper sub (sub) culture was exclusively goth nerd fare. It is a pop culture phenomenon and if I want to keep my title as self proclaimed aficionado I need to at least watch one of them. She originally planned to show me the first Twilight, but picked it up from a Red Box and accidentally got Eclipse. I had nothing to do with it as I told her I would passively watch it while making snarky comments but would not personally contribute to that franchises cash flow.
First of all, it wasn’t completely painful. I liken it more to an extended teeth cleaning by an overly enthusiastic dental technician as than the full on root canal by a marginally trained orangutan that I expected. We’ll have to see how the stars (star?) and black holes play out, but it wasn’t as bad as I expected. My friend said that the first Twilight was far worse and therefore funnier, but such as it is, this thing wasn’t actually physically painful.
First, the plot. Bella (Kristen Stewart), the sort-of hot but painfully bland (both in looks, personality, and acting) is about to graduate from high school and as a graduation gift wants Edward (Robert Pattinson), her vampire boyfriend, to turn her into one one of the living dead. Edward, who somehow manages to maintain a facial expression that makes him look like he is dealing with a painful bowel obstruction for the entirety of the movie no matter what he is doing, wants her to “live” a little in spite of the fact that she is still a virgin (a fact painfully and forcefully delivered in the most awkward father/daughter scene ever filmed) and seems dead on the inside. He lives with a bunch of other vampires in some kind of club or something where they all feel the need to bleach their hair blond while maintaining massive caterpillar-like black eyebrows. He and his buddies apparently don’t drink human blood (?), and the way you can tell is their eyes are yellow, while human blood drinkers eyes are red. Apparently human blood comes with red colored contact lenses. Meanwhile, Jacob, one of several hundred muscular, shirtless teenage boys who are some kind of werewolves (or maybe Native American shapeshifters. The story seems a little vague on this) that all have matching bad fake tattoos that look they were drawn on with a Sharpie is somehow her other love interest. From what I hear, Edward dumped Bella at some point and left her in the woods. Jacob came through as a true friend and bailed her out. Then, when Edward resurfaced later she gave him a classic “let’s be friend’s speech” and jumped back on board with Count Eyebrows.
For a really weak script and two dimensional story, this recount already makes it seem terribly complicated. Anyway, Bella manages to prove herself the cruelest bitch I have ever seen by dragging both Edward and Jacobs hearts through the mud. Some other red headed vampire chick shows up who hates Edward and Bella. Vampire and werewolf battle hijinx ensue. Werewolves team up with good vampires to fight bad vampires, who are for the most part innocent kids pulled into the evil vampires plot and generally slaughtered. There are a couple scenes where the father of one of the kids shows up looking for the son that is destined to get butchered by Edward later on in the movie. Somehow, in spite of the other vampires being stronger than the good ones not a single good vampire or werewolf manages to get killed. In fact, the worst injury appears to be a bad bruise. The movie ends with final resolution of any given episode of a soap opera.
OK, the stars. The werewolves were pretty cool, in spite of mediocre CGI. One star. There were a couple origin story flashback that were kind of cool and broke up the brain damaged Bella/Edward/Jacob love triangle story. One star. The fight choreography was decent. One star. Hmm. Honestly, that’s all I can think of. Three stars total.
Now the black holes. The story. One black hole. The acting. Two black holes. I should give it one black hole for each time they managed to find an excuse to show Jacob or his many buddies without a shirt on, but will hold myself to one black hole. The werewolves have apparently bioengineered a strain of tree in the Pacific Northwest that grows cargo shorts that dissolve into thin air every time they transform. One black hole. Bella is possibly the most ineffective female lead I have ever seen in any movie ever. She is entirely helpless and her only single act during the entirety of the movie is to cut her own arm to distract a vampire with her blood (did I mention that Bella apparently has the blood equivalent of Captain Crunch to vampires?). She does more to damage woman’s advocacy and rights than the guy who invented the chastity belt. Two black holes. One black hole for each of the guys in the movie who lets her treat them like crap and totally disregard and disrespect their feelings and never calls her to account for it, so two black holes for both the sackless Edward and Jacob. The fight scenes were shockingly hard to follow as the wardrobe director decided the thing both good and bad vampires needed to wear was black hoodies. One black hole. Vampires sparkling in daylight instead of burning up. One black hole. A movie about vampires that features less actual blood shown than a typical episode of the Bachelor (did I also mention that vampires, when injured, actually have no blood and shatter like quartz? No joke. Tear off a vampires head and he looks like you just dropped a ceramic vampire cookie jar). Two black holes. Holes in the plot that strained my suspension of disbelief like a size 2 girdle on a 400 pound man (at one point the evil vampire army goes on a killing spree through Seattle that somehow doesn’t result in 100,000 FBI agents showing up. Things like this). One black hole. The wolves, while huge and cool, were completely crap CGI. One black hole. Total: 15 black holes.
So with that we get a total of 12 black holes. A miserable score, but I don’t really feel like my time was TOTALLY wasted. There is something that makes you want to watch it (kind of like slowing down to see a traffic accident). I would probably been more generous if I were in high school and a girl. I could understand seeing this to appease a girl you are dating and, since that is how I saw it, I still feel somewhat manly. I also made her watch a few episodes of Firefly afterward in order to recapture some machismo.
For the who would win, aquatic wimp Aquaman versus moronic macho man Beef Supreme from Idiocracy, I think as long as it was done on dry land I would have to go with the Beefer. Monster truck + flamethrower = win. In water obviously Aquaman would have the advantage. (Brawndo image courtesy of the funny t shirts category)
For today I ask a simple question: who would win, Slimer from Ghostbusters versus Casper the Friendly Ghost. Bye for now.
Happy birthday, Cathy
Headed out to a birthday party for my friend Cathy. 
Given the fact that I more or less spent my life savings on t shirts, it would not surprise me if she got a t shirt for a gift. Also given that I have only a few to select from for women, odds are it will be this one. I think she will dig it, however. I’ll probably stop off at the supermarket and buy a card too.
Spent part of last night working on some new paint techniques for my Skaven. I need to re-approach how I do rusty metal. My old technique is simple and tends to leave things too metalic, if you know what I mean. My friend Mike showed me some stippling techniques that seem to produce some good results, so I think I might go with that.
Just got the shirt I have been waiting for since I started my site: the Star Wars Empire logo. I will probably go off on this on my next blog, but it is one of the coolest logos ever. I can’t wait to get it into my funny t shirt section.
Anyway, this thing should be most of the day, so I am blowing off all my work for today. Nothing like letting stuff pile up. I’ll probably come home about 10 or so and put in a couple hours, but not close to what I would normally do.
I just reread that last paragraph and realized my life kind of sucks. I need to find something to do besides work on a Saturday night.
Steam Punk is my new favorite aesthetic
I have been doing a lot of research for my site and keep looking up steam punk. I have always kind of liked steam punk, but since looking at all the great stuff out there. If I ever have the time and money to actually decorate my office I think I am going to go with a steam punk theme.
The reason steam punk rules is it is a vision of the future that isn’t the lame present we live in. Computers have cool valves and actual dials. Somehow cool machines do amazing things thanks to all the extra rings and flanges. It’ is technology presented as an aesthetic, not a function. The closest thing we get these days is some of the Apple stuff, but really even that stuff sucks. Is it really so necessary to make everything as minimalistic as possible? This is an example of one of the great novelty t shirts that I am finding out there and speaks volumes to me.
