Despicable Me 2 Movie Review
Not really as good as the first, but worth seeing.
I am a fan of the first Despicable Me. I love villains, and find hope for myself in stories where the bad guy finds redemption. Gru is awesome, and his many minions rule (Minions poster image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).
So all that being said, Despicable Me 2 was good but is just lacked the solidity of the first movie. I am having a hard time putting my finger on it. I think that without the redemption story it just doesn’t hold up as strongly. Gru just doesn’t have the pull as a good guy. His appeal is the evil guy turning good. Gru is fully reformed and suffers no real inner conflict that so colored the first film. Instead of his minions jumping to execute his evil plans they are cleaning the house in a French maids outfit and making jelly. His mother isn’t even in this film (except during the credits. I guess they didn’t want to spring for Julia Andrews to do the voice in this one). Kristin Wiig was of course brilliant as Lucy, the love interest, but aside from giving Gru something to fight for there was no real drama in the romance. She was into him from the get go and all he had to do was decide to ask her out.
Overall this film had a lot more style than substance. The minions were still cute and funny, and the three little girls still had the cute humanizing effect of the first film. However, the film focuses on making the minions even cuter and funnier (the ice cream social is the perfect example of this) while not letting Gru get his dark and sinister side out. The romance might appeal to more little girls but the boys in the audience might find it pretty dull.
Look at me, treating a kids movie like Citizen Kane. I swear I’m not this pretentious most of the time. It was a fun show and if you like the minions you will not be disappointed. In spite of the fact that I was seeing a 10:15pm showing the audience was full of little kids (most parents suck) and they seemed to be enjoying the hell out of it, which is really my only barometer for kids movies. My only disappointment stems from the first movie so overreaching my expectations and my hope that this one would do the same.
The film starts off with a giant flying magnet stealing a Russian research base out of the Arctic. We jump to Gru (Steve Carrol-the Office, Crazy, Stupid Love, the 40 Year Old Virgin) living in his suburban death fortress with his three adopted daughters Margo (Miranda Cosgrove-School of Rock, Drake & Josh, the Good Wife), Edith (Dana Gaier-not much else. An episode of 30 Rock. I hope she gets more work soon), and Agness (Elsie Kate Fisher-Vertical, Bad Behavior, Dirty Girl). While out walking his “dog” he is Tazered and loaded into a trunk by Lucy (Kristin Wiig-Bridesmaids, How to Train Your Dragon, SNL). Turns out she is an agent for the Anti Villain League, a secret organization that fights super villains. She takes him to meet the head of the League Mr. Ramsbottom (uncredited on IMDB. Get on it, guys!).
They want Gru to help them find the villain with the giant magnet who stole a super secret formula. Gru refuses and heads home. There he finds his old friend Dr. Nefario (Russell Brand-Rock of Ages, Arthur, Get Him to the Greek) wants to get back into the evil business and has taken a job with another villain. They send him off with a 21 fart gun salute (see what I mean about style over substance?).
Gru decides to link up with the AVL just to keep his hand in and is teamed up with Lucy. They are set up with a fake bake shop in a mall where the villain is suspected of setting up shop. Gru suspects a Mexican restaurant owner named Eduardo (Benjamin Bratt-Miss Congeniality, Catwoman, Demolition Man) but all evidence points towards a wig shop owner (Ken Jeong-the Hangover, Transformers Dark of the Moon, Community). Meanwhile Margo falls in love with Eduardo’s son Antonio (Moises Arias-Nacho Libre, Hannah Montana, the Secret World of Arrietty).
The movie trucks along from there. Gru discovers he has feelings for Lucy and needs to rescue her from the evil villain. The minions are all transformed into evil(er) purple guys. No real major surprises crop up, although there weren’t really any in the first film.
I don’t do stars and black holes for kids movies. This kids in the audience were enjoying it, and the parents didn’t seem bored stupid(er). By those definitions this film was a great success and I did enjoy it. I was hoping for something more along the lines of the first film, but even without that it was worth seeing. I guess I’m am saying go see it if this is your cup of tea. Date movie? Sure, no problem there. Try to show her the first one so she knows what is up with the minions as they are the cutest part of the film. Bathroom break? The big Cinco de Mayo party doesn’t seem to have a lot going on for the first couple minutes so do it then. Hurry back as the scene right afterwards is kind of critical story-wise.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review leave them here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. I’m seeing the Lone Ranger and kind of expect it to suck, so look for a much more vitriol infused review tomorrow. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Heat Movie Review
Fairly hot.
I’m always glad when I see a movie that could fall on either side of the Great Suck Divide land on the sweet land of decent. I have seen the trailers for this about 30 times (welcome to the life of a movie reviewer) and each time I thought “That looks like it could be really funny, but it also looks like it could suck like a lamprey.” I
t claimed to have it’s spirit originate from Bridesmaids, but each time I saw the trailer I couldn’t help but pick up a One for the Money vibe. (Bridesmaids image comes from one of the movie t shirts in the collection)
However this film managed to avoid the pit that Katherine Heigl fell into. In spite of being directed by Paul Feig, the guy who did Bridemaids it wasn’t just the same movie with a slightly different cast. It was different and at the same time cool and funny.
I will say this movie literally was carried on the back of Melissa McCarthy. Her character, rapid delivery, high quality funny dialog, and overwhelming screen presence made this film actually happen, and were it someone not as talented or entertaining I would be loading my black hole shotgun as I type this. That’s not to disparage Sandra Bullock (to the contrary. I have always had a special place in my heart for Sandra as she is someone I find very attractive and is actually closer to age appropriate than any of my other on screen crushes). She is great as the straight woman and uptight prissy FBI agent, and is as always extremely easy on the eyes. She just doesn’t have the comedy power to do more than act aghast at the on screen antics of Melissa.
I had a weird phenomenon happen in this film. I and the rest of the audience were all laughing our asses off at Melissa’s lines. The problem was she has such a rapid delivery that I often couldn’t hear what the hell the next line was. In an average movie it is rare that I care enough about the mediocre dialog, but this film made me want to hear ever word. It’s often that I wish for a fast forward button while watching some of these films but extremely rare that I find myself looking for a rewind. Looks like I might have to NetFlix this one some day.
Anyway, the story. Ace FBI Special Agent Ashburn (Sandra Bullock-the Blind Side, Demolition Man, Miss Congeniality) has a great track record of solving crimes but is disliked by pretty much everyone she works with. She is up for a promotion but her boss (Demián Bichir-Savages, a Better Life, Sex, Shame, and Tears) questions her teamwork abilities. He sends her to Boston to track down a drug kingpin.
Once there she finds out a minor drug dealer (Spoken Reasons-no other movie credits. IMDB tells me he is a Sagittarius) was just busted. She suspects he has a connection to the kingpin and interrogates him, only to find the arresting officer Mullins (Melissa McCarthy-Bridesmaids, This is 40, Identity Thief) is an aggressive, anti-social, foul mouthed Irish hooligan who doesn’t take kindly to anyone interfering with her work. She and Ashburn have a series of confrontations.
Mullins learns of the case from Ashburn and opts to take it on herself. During the course of the investigation they opt to work together (very organically, by the way. Props to the writer) where Mullins aggressive stance conflicts with Ashburn’s by the book approach. The run into some competing DEA agents and have some hilarious moments with the rest of Mullins’ Irish family. The kingpin is somehow involved with Mullins’ brother Jason (Michael Ragaport-True Romance, Men of Honor, Hitch).
The story has some twists so I’m not going to get into it too deep. Ashburn and Mullins have to learn to work together. They run into problems with their superiors. Guys get shot. Mullins cusses a lot.
The stars.
Melissa McCarthy was hilarious in every scene. I don’t usually give more than three stars for any one thing but she literally carried 80% of the film herself. Four stars. The rest of the cast (especially Sandra) was very solid. One star. The pacing was excellent. 117 minutes that flowed smoothly and felt natural. One star. The relationship between Ashburn and Mullins developed very naturally and didn’t feel at all forced. By the end of the film they had a very real chemistry. One star. Overall hilarious and fun. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes.
The plot was fairly predictable, and even the big twist felt forced in and wasn’t unexpected. One black hole. If you are looking for an actual police/crime drama go rent Heat. This film is not it. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
A total of seven stars. It’s tough to get me to give this many to a Rated R comedy, but as this one opted to stay away from biological and scatological humor in order to make up for bad story and mediocre actors it deserved it. Should you see it? Absolutely. You will laugh and enjoy it. Date movie? Sure, but only if you have been seeing her for a while. If you are still trying to get her into bed this one isn’t the film for you (actually movies make for terrible first dates anyway). Bathroom break? Any scene without Melissa in it. The best one is right after the two of them are taken off the cast and there is a briefing for the agents who are taking over that Ashburn crashes. That scene doesn’t do much and it’s about 2/3rds of the way through the film, so perfect time. Hurry back though.
Thanks for reading. White House Down is on deck. Let’s see if my movie Spidey sense is accurate and the movie sucks as much as I believe it will. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review feel free to leave them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Epic Movie Review
That’s Epic the movie not my most Epic movie review ever. That one has yet to be written but if I were to choose on from what I have written so far I would probably go with the Host.
So I have been at a gaming convention all weekend and have not had a chance to write anything up. I have seen this film, Fast & Furious 6, and a Bollywood zombie flick called Go Goa Gone. I opted for this one as the last review I did was huge and long and a lot of work to write and these kids films are generally easy to do. Plus I have a ton of work to do today so I’m going to get this one out fast and do the furious ones tomorrow (haw!).
So another animated film from someone called Blue Sky Studios. The only thing they have done of note to date was the entire Ice Age series (unless you consider Aunt Fanny’s Tour of Booty an unsung classic), which I have managed to miss in it’s entirety. Something about that series never drew me in. 
It just looks trite and bad campy, like the Three Stooges meets Tele Tubbies (Stooges image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). I’m sure it’s a classic but when I tell my animation fan friends I have never seen it the don’t shoot hate rays out of their eyes at me like they do if I say I have never seen every Pixar movie 14 times, so I am willing to bet I shouldn’t regret my decision.
So what do I think about Epic? Entertaining enough, with high production values. I did see it in 3D, a format that animated films is particularly (and in most cases singularly) suited for. It was polished and well crafted, if more than a little formulaic. I have seen some praise for this being the first Blue Sky production featuring a female protagonist, but honestly she was not exactly a paragon of feminine strength. She spent most of the time either being rescued by assorted male characters or carrying around a fragile seed pod in a pretty clear allegory to pregnancy. I suspect if they could have found a plot device to have her barefoot in a kitchen there wouldn’t have been much internal debate among the writers.
As is my policy I will not be doing my usual stars/black holes. It is a waste on kids films IMO. I judge these things by how much fun the kids in the audience seem to be having and for the most part it was a good time (also judging by the number of crying babies there were a number of kids who never saw more than a lot of green blurs. Do theaters make 3D glasses for infants? Do we really know what kind of brain damage 3D potentially could be doing to infants? Most parents suck). They all seemed to be laughing to a certain extent (although not as much as a lot of other kids films) and there were cute creatures to keep them entertained (the hand of the merchandising arm was pretty visible at a lot of points).
That’s not to say there weren’t issues here. The main one seems to be the formulaic nature of the story, and the focus on kids humor while leaving the adults suffering. Unlike other recent bad kids movies like Escape from Planet Earth I can’t say this film wasn’t written with adults in mind. There were some very adult concepts addressed here such as dysfunctional families, child emancipation, and the death of parents and/or kids. The problem is these adult concepts were dead boring and not at all funny or remotely entertaining. Some of them were even a bummer. It was like watching Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood cut together with Philadelphia.
The other issue I had with this film was the animation of the human (or human-like) characters. I won’t say the animators went to school in the uncanny valley, but they definitely went to summer camp there. This is a problem endemic to CGI animation films with delusions of grandeur. The characters look almost human enough to be actual actors but are still off enough to make them kind of hard to look at. The overall effect is like watching a cut scene from a decent video game. Ironically the target audience (kids) probably couldn’t care less about the humans looking like humans, and other, better films generally don’t mess around with it.
I’d like to give one more criticism to this film and that is the overwhelming need the studio feels to hire big name actors and celebrities to do the voice over work. Does the studio really think that rabid fans of Beyonce, Colin Ferrell, or Josh Hutchinson are going to come see this film in order to hear the melodious sound of their voices? They are effectively hiring amateurs to do the voice over work (qualified actors and performers all, but none of them are known for their animation work) with the net effect of the voices never quite seeming to match the character on the screen. You see a fairy queen but all you hear is Beyonce. Is Billy West really that hard to hire?
Anyway, an abbreviated story synapses (hey, I’ve got things to do today). A girl with the awkward to say name of Mary Katherine (try it. It does not roll off the tongue. Also whoever submitted this film to IMDB made the really bad choice of listing all (and I mean ALL) of the voice actors alphabetically, making correctly identifying who did what or even what the names of all the characters are a serious chore so I am going to blow it off) is coming home to visit her dad after the implied death of her mother, who had also seperated from him. The reason for the seperation and possible future estrangement from his daughter is her fathers obsession with finding tiny little humans (or fairies) who live in the forest. Turns out they are real, and are responsible for keeping nature and rot in balance.
The queen (Beyonce) is due to pick out a new heir in the form of a seed pod. While doing so the Boggans (the rot creatures? Not sure what they were about) attack under the lead of their king and try to steal the pod. During the fight the King of the Boggans son is killed, as is the Queen of the …? (Not really sure what they were supposed to be called. Also how did this film keep a G rating exactly?). MK (her preferred shortening. Good choice) happens upon the dying queen and gets shrunk down in order to guard the seed pod. At that point she is joined by Ronin (Collin Ferrel) and some rejected kid named Nub (Josh Hutchinson), whose father was Ronin’s friend and was killed by Boggans (G rating again). They go on a quest to see some dude who has all the forest knowledge and are joined by a slug and a snail, who are the films comic relief (rather effective, actually, although if you feel your kids movie is in need of active comic relief perhaps you need to rethink the base concept).
At that point it’s a forest dungeon crawl. The Boggans get the pod. The others have to sneak in and save it. The king wants to have the spirit of the queen reborn as a something evil so he can corrupt the forest. I don’t want to spoil this film for you, but in a shocking surprise good triumphs over evil.
So, decent for your rug rats. They will be entertained. I don’t know about 3D for kids (or adults, for that matter. I say there is a good chance that 20 years from now we look back on 3D like we now look back on thalidomide). If you can get your neighbor to take the whole raft of kids I’d say go for it. If you are stuck with the chore this might be a chance to play with your Google Glass. Bathroom break? Any of the scenes involving MK’s father are the equivalent of packing peanuts in a shipment of clothing. Feel free to skip out then.
Thanks for reading. Fast and Furious tomorrow, plus I still need to see Hangover 3. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post comments here if you like regarding this film or my review. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
15 Great Sci Fi Movies with Numbers in the Title
Plus a couple crappy ones.
A few weeks ago I reviewed 42, the Jackie Robinson movie, and it got me thinking about movies that contain numbers in the title. It seems like all the best ones are sci fi, and since that is my interest (and, I hope, yours) I thought I would compile a list of really good ones. Of course while composing my list I came up with a couple that really suck so I will list them at the bottom. I am not going to mess around with sequels incidentally. They all have numbers in them.
15. Cherry 2000 – this is one of those movies that almost ended up in the bad pile, but due to the fact that it features the one opportunity I think I will ever have at finding a wife (or second date) I have to give it props. Yes, this movie is the quest to save a super hot sex android, or essentially the only movie plot that makes total sense to me ever. Logan’s Run meets Lars and the Real Doll. However, if you look closely you will see a young Lawrence Fishburne, and if you look even more carefully you will also see a even younger (and hotter) Melanie Griffith.
14. Death Race 2000 – another one that someone who is less a fan of camp might have tossed on the suck pile. However, if you ever wanted to vote for Frankenstein for President (and appreciate the irony in that statement) then this is the movie for you. Plus this movie was made in the glory days of the 70’s, where the one redeeming thing was Hollywood didn’t think it needed to cater to the freaking rug rats in it’s sci fi and was happy to stick rated R nudity all over the place. Plus you get to see Sly Stallone in his first non-porn movie ever.
13. 1984 – anyone else remember when 1984 seemed like a long time in the future, full of sci fi possibilities? No, well actually neither do I. But I’m sure it seemed like a fantasy back in 1948 when Orwell wrote this book. The great thing about this movie is this was when Hollywood was allowed to do a bummer ending in the name of artistry. If (and unfortunately when) they get around to remaking it (2084?) odds are very likely Winston Smith will end the movie leading a counter revolution that ends the film with peace, happiness, and freaking bunny rabbits for everyone.
12. 2001 – yes I probably should rate this one higher, but this movie commits the sin of being kind of boring unless you are a huge Laserium fan. I read the book several times and still found myself snoozing at points. Of course you can never forget or miss the “Open the pod bay doors, Hal” scene. I also sometimes question how much we have actually evolved from the bone club wielding Neanderthals from the beginning. This film also kind of ruined Outland for me by showing a more realistic depiction of dealing with hard vacuum.
11. 9 – post apocalyptic finger puppets fight to destroy a soul sucking steam punk nightmare? There isn’t a single word in that last sentence that doesn’t rock.
10. Six String Samurai – odds are this is another film that only I have seen, but if you haven’t you should try to get it. If you are an Americana, Elvis, or sword fighting fan you will love it (I am all three). Also having Las Vegas be the last free city in the USA is hilarious. This is also the movie that helped me fall in love with the music of the Red Elvises, whom I think more or less inspired most of it. This film could be summed up in the statements “Heavy metal and communism sucks”. Don’t know if I agree with the heavy metal part.
9. House of 1000 Corpses – I’m not doing a lot of horror films, and if you are wondering why Friday the 13th isn’t here I’m not really a fan of franchises that take a decent concept and grind it into a fine, irritating powder. However, this film made my list partly because it is actually a violet horror classic and partly because I’m still feeling guilty for crapping all over Rob Zombies latest film the Lords of Salem. That aside, any movie featuring Captain Spaulding is plus in my book.
8. 30 Days of Night – this is one of those mainstream releases that never got the credit it deserved. I think it’s a kick ass horror flick with a cool twist. It has all the survival horror elements that I love from a good zombie flick plus all of the vampire coolness without any of the sparkle. If you have a daughter who fell in love with vampires thanks to Twilight strap her down and make her watch this, Near Dark, Vampire$, From Dusk till Dawn, and Fright Night. That will do for her for vampires what Fire in the Sky did for me for aliens.
7. Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension – if you call yourself a nerd and/or a movie aficionado and have not seen this film shame on you. This is one of the ultimate hokey camp sci fi classics. Ever want to see a Chevy Luv pickup truck with rockets strapped to the bed drive through a mountain? Do you like Jonathon Lithgow and want to see one of his funniest characters ever? Ever wonder what all aliens use for a first name? Then this is the film for you. Seriously, once you see it you will regret not having seen it in the theater (which I did. Mad nerd cred to me).
6. Super 8 – I had some issues with this film but in general enjoyed the hell out of it. Basically this is what E.T. really should have been. I’m still annoyed at the remote control tanks that need a crew of 5 and don’t have onboard computers. Anyone else think Maximum Overdrive got to be dumb when a machine gun turret in a basic swivel had the intellect and motive ability to cover and control a group of humans?
5. 300 – some of you may argue that this movie was not sci fi, but I say fie on you all. Besides, this film wasn’t exactly a bastion of historical accuracy. All I know is that it was awesome, with great fights, blood, and a giant bald guy with a nose ring. Plus where else are you going to see a defensive wall made from the corpses of the very enemies you are fighting?
4. 12 Monkeys – another film that never got the recognition it deserved. It’s rare that I like time travel films but this one did it in a cool and original way. Plus it had Bruce Willis playing the character he plays best – a beat up desperate loser. It also had a young Brad Pitt as a cool wacko. Time travel, biological warfare, crazy people, and lions. How awesome is that?
3. 28 Days Later – some people say this movie isn’t about zombies since the infected weren’t technically dead, but the original Haitian zombies were living people zombified by magic powder (check out White Zombie (the film the band got the name from, not the band) if you want to see. Or the Serpent and the Rainbow) so in theory this movie is actually a better zombie film than most of the post George Romero films. Great film, and one of those rare films that has you really worried for the protagonists.
2. District 9 – if there were awards for how science fiction-y a film can be this one would receive a lifetime achievement award. Plus you have to give a film credit for making aliens as sympathetic as E.T. while having them look like eight foot tall walking potato bugs. The social commentary flew off this film like explosions in a Micheal Bay film, and like most great sci fi (usually zombie) films shows us that humanities biggest enemy will always be humanity itself. Plus I loved the bus stop posters they used to advertize this film.
1. the Fifth Element – yes, we are back to this one. Sorry but I get a happy feeling every time I see it. Not the best story, acting, or special effects but somehow the sub-mediocre elements (haw!) combine to form a much greater whole than the sum if it’s individual parts. Plus the most important two words in sci fi costuming ever: “thermal wraps”.
Of course not all number movies can rule, so here are a couple that will make you never want to look at a number again. Two of these aren’t sci fi, but I needed to pad out the list and pulled in two films that made my frontal lobe especially sad.
5. One for the Money – unless you somehow think Charlies Angels had the most believable premise in TV history than this film will do nothing but either bore or annoy you. It was so boring I can’t even think of a funny line here.
4. One Day – what is the deal with movies that use the number 1? Notice that none of my top 15 use it. God I hated this movie. Don’t watch this film with any sharp instruments nearby. Actually, just don’t watch this film.
3. the 13th Warrior – remember when Antonio Banderas did Zorro and thought his destiny was to do sword fighting swashbucklers? This film derailed that plan for sure. What schlock. Actually I just took a look at Antonio’s filmography and it’s like sticking your head in a broken sewer pipe. He has done some awful movies, and only a few even decent ones. I guess I can add him to the list with Nick Cage of “If he’s in the film odds are it sucks”. As an aside I recall the original title for this film was “Eaters of the Dead which is about 100,000,000 times more bad ass (and would have kept it off this list) but the producers caved in to marketing pressure to make this film more kid friendly. I am really starting to hate PG-13.
2. 2012 – this film did about as much for science as the Holy Inquisition did when it tried Galileo for heresy for daring to suggest the Earth rotates around the sun. Also there is a limit to how many narrow escapes a character can go through per minute before the audience loses interest.
1. I am Number Four – I always laugh whenever Hollywood tries to launch a new franchise based on a previous successful franchise and falls miserably on it’s face. This film was supposed to be the sci fi version of Twilight but never went anywhere. They recently tried to do this again with the Host but I am proud to say that the science fiction world is still immune to the teenage girl demographic. It’s funny in that I have long wished to meet a girl who was as into sci fi as I am but now realize that if those girls really existed we would be up to our collective asses in wimpy metro-sexual man/boy characters. I guess it’s a good thing?
By the way, all the images come courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category.
Anyway, thanks for reading. These lists are always fun to do. I’ll try to do some more. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Comments or movies that I missed can be placed down at the bottom. Off topic suggestions or questions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Lords of Salem Movie Review
Ever wonder what a 101 minute Cradle of Filth video would look like?
This is the worst kind of film for me to review. Not because it is bad. 
Handing me a bad film to review is like handing Jason Voorhees a half dozen college students on a spring break camping trip (Crystal Lake shirt from the Horror Movie T Shirt category). Two hours later and I am cleaning blood off my machete with a warm, satisfied feeling in my stomach. No, this film is tough for me to review because I am actually a fan of Rob Zombie.
It’s true. I like his music, and some of his films are amazing. House of 1000 Corpses and the Devil’s Rejects are horror classics. It’s to the point that as I arrived in the theater I already had the first two glowing paragraphs of this review written out in my head once this film turned out to be amazing (or even adequate).
Time makes fools of us all however, and in this case the amount of time is 101 minutes. I spent most of that time waiting for anything to happen. Ever take a long road trip and find yourself running low on gas? Ever do that and hit one of those weird stretches of highway where they don’t apparently believe in gas stations (hello West Texas) and as you approach each exit you desperately hope that you will see a Unocal or Mobil sign? Your desperation and eagerness increases with each passed exit until finally you end the movie parked at the side of the road on a desolate two lane highway with nothing but coyotes for company.
So it was for this film. Rob can definitely build atmosphere, and when it comes to horror foreplay he is a master. The problem is every time the build up reached the point where something, anything interesting had to happen it would stop with a screeching jump cut, leaving the audience with the equivalent of movie viewer blue balls. Even in the few scenes where something happens inevitably end up being dreams or hallucinations of some kind. I would like to say that having the main character wake up in a cold sweat after a vividly horrible dream is a cool movie tool to help establish otherwise intangible plot points. However, it should not be used to cover 1/3rd of the scenes. It became so standard during the course of this film that in the final scene where something actually was happening I kept waiting for the main character to wake up yet again.
This is why the film felt more like a Satanic rock video than a film. It is chock full of creepy Satanic images and hallucinations from deep in Charles Manson’s subconscious but lacking in anything really scary or disturbing. The whole thing felt like Rob Zombie messing around on his home editing system, putting together a video of some anti-Christian footage that his friends might enjoy while half drunk but not really for public consumption. Very self indulgent, and given that he cast his wife as the main character and a bunch of his friends as supporting characters I’d say that is an apt description. The whole time I was watching I felt the same burning desire for a fast forward button that I felt while watching Terence Malicks Tree of Life. I know Rob intended this film to be a tribute to the Shining but he more closely parallels Malicks film style, only without the Christian overtones.
The story, I guess. Sheri Moon Zombie (the Devil’s Rejects, House of 1000 Corpses, Grindhouse) plays Heidi Hawthorne, part of a three man late night DJ team that looks like Rob learned a lot from his interviews on the Howard Stern Show (I actually listened to his last appearance on that show and he pretty much says that is where the inspiration came from). She and her fellow DJs Whitey (Jeff Daniel Phillips-Faster, Hide, Unknown) and Herman (Ken Foree-Dawn of the Dead, the Devil’s Rejects, Water for Elephants) interview Francis Mathias (Bruce Davison-X-Men, Harry and the Hendersons, Short Cuts) the author of a book on the Salem Witch Trials. That night Heidi has a record delivered to her in a wooden box that screams Necronomicon from a band called the Lords. She plays it and begins to hallucinate about witches. The next night she plays it on the air and a bunch of women in the town of Salem are more or less possessed.
At that point things kind of mosey down the road with not much happening. Every ten minutes another amazing scene is set up and seems to be leading to something that could be considered a plot point or pivotal moment, but just as you think something is about to happen Heidi wakes up. A lot of Satanic and anti-Christian messages and images are use. The witches burned (for the record, no witches were burned in Salem. They were all hung. I’m not saying that makes us any more civil than Europe. I’m just a stickler for historical accuracy) are trying to come back and want Heidi to be their vessel from which Lucifer (or something) will be born. Heidi’s landlady and her creepy sisters (Dee Wallace-E.T. the Extraterrestrial, the Howling, Critters Patrical Quinn-the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Shock Treatment, The Meaning of Life Judy Gleeson-Gilmore Girls, Spanish Fly, the Duke) are working together to make this happen and at one point beat Francois to death with a frying pan (closest thing to exciting as this film gets, honestly). Religious images are shown over and over again and laughable Satanic verse is spoken in a voice that makes monster truck announcers sound serious.
The stars:
If you have an axe to grind against Christianity and love Satan then this is the movie for you. You can’t say Rob Zombie doesn’t deliver a message. One star. He does create good atmospheres. One star. His wife is pretty damned hot in the scenes where she isn’t looking like a strung out drug user. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes:
No real horror to speak of, nothing scary, and nothing happens. One black hole. The story is about as solid as a soggy corn flake and more or less serves to connect Rob’s images together. One black hole. The course of the entire film is like a beach ball with a BB hole in it, leaking air and finally ending with a vague fart sound and a quiet settling. One black hole. At no point in the film to you get an idea of what the evil plan is or even who the villain is. No antagonist to speak of, and when the plan is finally unveiled you still don’t know what the hell is going on or why you should care. One black hole. I don’t think playing a subdued character is Sheri Moon Zombie’s forte. Furthermore I felt no interest in her character or any kind of connection whatsoever other than she was hot (or any of the other characters for that matter). One black hole. Given the number of times I have bitched about rater R movies that avoid nudity this is weird for me to say, but there is a lot of nudity in this film but with very few exceptions (Sheri being all of them) you will truly regret having seen them. Some things watched can’t be unwatched. One black hole. It’s honestly hard to take Satanic rhetoric seriously. They have all the issues that Christian rhetoric has except that it just sounds silly (if you have ever listened to an Anton Levey interview you know what I mean). I mean, worshiping Satan means you actually believe in the Christian pantheon but are going to go with the guy who will burn you in everlasting fire. One black hole. It’s rare that I have to say this since I usually find something to entertain myself with but as I left the theater I really felt like I had wasted my time. Two black holes. Total: nine black holes.
So a grand total of six black holes. To be honest I was more than generous in my stars and reticent in my black holes. If I weren’t a Zombie fan I would have probably unloaded my black hole shotgun into this movies face and the closest thing to a star I could have found would have been that it was filmed in English. Sorry dude. I honestly hope your next film recaptures some of the magic of your earlier films, or at least has something happen somewhere in the film. Should you see it? Honestly probably not. If you are a Rob Zombie fan I think you will get more from renting the Devil’s Rejects. If you do go see it load up on Strawberry Mojitos at the Applebees down the street beforehand. This movie will look a lot better if you are plastered. Date movie? If I recommend you don’t go see this film there shouldn’t be any kind of logical process that would lead you to taking a date to it unless you secretly hate all women and see dating as your opportunity to punish them all for not being your mom. Bathroom break? There isn’t a single scene of this film (including the “climax”) that you couldn’t easily miss without losing a thing from your movie experience. Cut out, drop a deuce, smoke a cigarette, run back to Applebees to recharge your alcohol battery, and come back in time for the ending credits. Using your imagination while listening to to the post movie fake newscast might just make for a good time.
I always feel dirty after dumping on a movie by someone I like. Why can’t McG come out with something? Wrecking his movies is not only fun but I feel like I am performing a public service. Sigh. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to comment on this film or my review below. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Spring Breakers Movie Review
Words literally fail me.
After a nights rest I am not going to say what I originally was going to: that unless any new movies cause their audience to commit mass seppuku before the third act than we have a winner for the worst film of 2013. In the traditional sense of what makes a movie a movie (plot, story, character development, a point) this film manages to have nothing. It is essentially an extended Girls Gone Wild video mated with one of those first person shooter video games where you can unlock the option to skin all the characters as hot girls in bikinis.
Where all other viewers (and to a certain extent myself) are giving this film a bye is the fact that it is directed by Harmony Korine, the guy to did Kids at age 19. His credibility is causing everyone to desperately seek any artistic merit whatsoever like an homeless alcoholic going through the trash behind a bar, sucking at every empty bottle in hopes of finding a little bit of booze. As a former art student I can tell you that you can find artistic meaning and purpose in anything if you want to badly enough. Thus most reviewers are finding something worthwhile in this film; however I would submit that if it were not for Harmony Korine they would be trashing this film like a half a turkey left outside for a week.
So like all other pretentious reviewers I have found some artistic value to this film. It does do some pretty amazing camera work, especially in the area of showing hot young women writhing topless in a bikini while booze is poured all over them and the sun glistens from their perfect skin like hot sexy little diamonds and…I’m sorry was I typing something? The one thing that managed to break in this movie was my respect for women. I can’t figure out if Korine is doing something tongue-in-cheek with regards to the exploitation of women’s bodies in film or just likes to shoot hot chicks in bikinis. In either case huge swaths of this film play out like a porn shoot with a budget and a slow motion effect.
The other part most other reviewers are lauding is the performance of James Franco. I will say he nailed his Cajun gangster character but once you go over his accent, grill, and tattoos you are left with a flat two dimensional character who reeks of artifice. Ever see one of those homemade YouTube videos where some wannabe gangster talks about what a hustler and pimp he is and how many guns and ho’s he has? Well, imagine that for 45 minutes and make him white and you have Franco’s character.
Flat characters are endemic in this film. The four girls could be called the brunette Christian girl and Blond Bimbo’s 1, 2, and 3. The Christian girl has a modest amount of depth, but the other three are as flat, uninteresting, and interchangeable as three machine washers. The funny thing is the girl with the most character is shuffled off the movie early and as soon as one of the other three actually develops a little interest she hops on the bus. The remaining two I defy anyone to tell me how I was supposed to distinguish from each other.
The weird thing about this movie is I can’t really tell who it was about. At first it seems like it was about the Faith, the Christian girl (oh, I see what they did there. Clever) as she was the only one who seemed to have anything going on or any kind of angst about the situation, but she buses home about halfway through the film. The other three girls are pretty much gangster bimbo robots. You might think it’s about Alien but he is portrayed more as an antagonist and really only serves to propel the girls from place to place. It’s surreal.
I will give Korine props for probably coming in way under budget on this film as he seems to have only shot about half of the needed scenes and filled up the rest with flash-somethings all taken from other scenes already shown or about to be shown. Flash backs, flash forwards, and flash sideways cut scenes are used to fill up every monolog and even action or plot scenes. The net effect is to make the film really repetitive, especially when the same monologs and scene sequences are used over and over again. This is where the artistic appreciation comes in and I believe I have seen similar videos back in art school.
The story, for what it is. Spoilers incoming but if you are going to this film for the story you should probably just go stick your head in a sewage pipe. Four hot girls Faith, Candy, Brit, and Cotty (Selena Gomez-Hotel Transylvania, Monte Carlo, Another Cinderella Story, Vanessa Hudgens-Sucker Punch, High School Musical, Thirteen, Ashley Benson-Bring it On; in it to Win it, Pretty Little Liars, 13 Going on 30, Rachel Korine-Mister Lonely, the 4th Dimension, Lotus Community Workshop) go to the most boring college since my own Dullsville alma mater UC Irvine. Faith is the good Christian girl while the other three are exactly the slutty bimbos every college boy dreams his classmates are. They dream of going to St. Petersburg Florida for spring break but are short on cash. The three bimbos opt to rob a chicken joint with squirt guns and a hammer and off the four go (Image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). At that point watch any Carson Daly Spring Break special and you have the next 30 minutes of film. Eventually the girls get arrested for partying too hard and get bailed out by local rap star and drug dealer Alien (James Franco-Oz the Great and Powerful, Spider Man, Rise of the Planet of the Apes) who wants them for sex or something (character motivation is apparently an alien concept to Mr. Korine). They hang out with him for a while as he shows off how much drugs, money, and guns he has until Faith gets (correctly) creeped out and heads home. The other three join Alien in a crime spree which seems to mostly involve dancing in bikinis with guns and robbing tourists. Implied sex occurs, which is weird since the rest of the movie seems to have no problems showing off naked women. Meanwhile Aliens old best friend Archie (Gucci Mane-Beef 4. That’s about it. I guess he’s some kind of rap star or something?) is now his enemy and decides to kill him. They do a drive by and one of the girls gets shot in the arm. She actually gets a little interesting at that point but before she clutters up the screen with any pesky character development gets on another bus to head home. The two remaining girls and Alien go after Archie and Alien gets shot before the two girls get involved in a gun fight with a dozen gangsters that is so ridiculous you can’t help but laugh out loud. The end.
If that story seems a little short that’s because most of the film is filled up with flash backs and repetition.
The stars. I’ll give one for James Franco. He did a decent job. One star. The four girls were very easy on the eyes. One star. Lots of nudity (although you will see a significant disparity between the hotness of the girls who take their tops off and the girls who do not). One star. The former artist in me has to give one for at least attempting to do something artistic (if that is what Korine was actually trying to do and not, as I suspect, just messing around and laughing at the audience). One star. Four stars.
The black holes. No real story. One black hole. No characters to really identify with, and as soon as you start to that character wanders off the screen. Two black holes. A complete failure in establishing tone. I think this movie was supposed to be a serious film with some kind of meaning but the audience literally spent most of the movie laughing their asses off. One black hole. With the exception of Franco most of the acting was flat and mediocre, with none of the girls doing anything to establish any kind of separate identity. It was like watching a hot blond creature with three heads. One black hole. Repetitive as hell. One black hole. The action sequence at the end (that by that point I was dying for) broke all ability to suspend disbelief and firmly cemented this film in the ridiculous zone. One black hole. None of the characters seem to have any kind of motivation to do anything other than PARTEEEEEE! One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
So four black holes. Is it worth seeing? If I am wrong and there is significant artistic merit or if you just want to watch topless women dance in the sun in slow motion then yes. However, I will liken my movie going experience to this: have you ever ridden shotgun with someone who drives significantly faster or slower or just does things different from the way you do and you spend the whole trip wishing you had a steering wheel, gas, and brake on your side? That’s pretty much how I felt while sitting in the theater, although had I had a steering wheel I might have just driven this thing off the nearest cliff. Date movie? Hell no. Bathroom break? The repetitive nature of the film means you can pretty much cut out anywhere you like, but if you are looking for a particularly worthless scene (that’s like looking for a particularly boring part of West Texas) the scene where Alien sits at his piano and starts singing a Brittney Spears song (no joke) goes on forever and has no bearing on anything.
Thanks for reading. I’m headed to WonderCon in Anaheim this weekend so I might not have a lot of writing time, which sucks as there is a lot of stuff to see this weekend. I’ll try to have something to write for Monday. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Comments on this film or my review can be left at the bottom of this page and off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected].
By the way, I’m not myself a huge fan of the theater but I heard about a live play that is some kind of Sci Fi crime drama involving virtual reality. Since my ultimate goal is to end up a brain in a jar hooked to a computer this is of great interest to me. If any of you are are in the Culver City area check out the Nether and let me know what you think. Looks cool. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Iron Giant Still Holds Up
I haven’t had a lot of time for blogging as I am dealing with the second flood in my warehouse in a week. My upstairs neighbors are the most moronic dregs of humanity available. I’m seeing Burt Wonderstone tonight so look for that review tomorrow.
However, on Wednesday I went to movie night and my friend Brian showed us The Iron Giant. This movie made my 10 best animated movies list and after last night I’m glad I included it. It has everything a kid and/or adult nerd could want in a film: a giant friendly robot who turns into an unstoppable killing machine. Really, what more do you want for a great flick?
One thing I learned during the course of the film is the guy who made the film, Brad Bird, was considered a failure after this film tanked in the box office and was on his way out when he got an offer from fledgling animation company Pixar to make the Incredibles. Thank god for someone’s sharp eye at Pixar.
Anyway, sorry for the brief blog but I have been up to my bottom in dealing with idiots. Look for a complete review tomorrow. The Iron Giant image comes to us from the Cartoon T Shirt category, by the way. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Escape from Planet Earth Review
Escape from the movie theater.
Based on my general dating success the odds of me every procreating have diminished to the point that if it ever happens it will be a true statistical anomaly. However, if I were ever abducted by aliens and forced to mate with hot green women in some kind of genetic breeding program (fingers crossed) the question may one day arise: would I want my green hybrid alien children to see this movie?
The answer is no. Not because there is some racy reference to something that might be construed as sexual to corrupt their soft super-human brains (quite the opposite in fact. This movie plays it so safe it might as well be a bubble baby). No, just because it is dumb and lazy. I know kid’s movies can get away with not being the Usual Suspects story-wise, but I think a certain amount of complexity in a movie will help stimulate my non-existant child’s brains somewhat. A good kids movie should be filled with bright colors and cute characters for the toddlers, a decent story with fun characters for the preadolescences, and some clever lines and witty jokes to keep the parents from having to fight the urge to beat their children for dragging them to this flick.
Rather than do that this film set it’s sights on the four year old demographic and opted to stop there. 
All the jokes were lame retreads of other bad kids and alien movies (Plan 9 image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category), the characters had no depth and were so fake sounding that they might as well have been motion captured using the inevitable toys that are most likely already steaming over from China, and the story was simplistic to the point of See Spot Run. I know this is a kids movie and as such expectations need to be lowered, but when compared to other brilliant kids movies such as Wreck It Ralph or Brave it is clearly a waste of effort.
One might accuse me of unfairly comparing a small, independent production to the duel Death Stars of animation Pixar and Disney, but honestly in the areas that huge animation studios have a true advantage (3D and animation technology) this film is right up there. Honestly, it had a $40,000,000 budget and was able to pull in some excellent B level celebrities (Brendon Frasier, Rob Corddry, Rick Gervais, Jessica Alba, and Sarah Jessica Parker) for voice over work so you can’t really call it a small production. However, the area where they lagged was in the writing. I have said this before and will say it again, if you have a multi-tens of millions of dollar budget can you not find a couple mil to hire the greatest writers in the world for your story?
As is my policy I will not judge this kids film using my usual rating system. Normally I rank films by how kids in the audience seem to be enjoying it but thankfully the theater was nigh empty when I saw it. The movie grossly exceeded all box office expectations so I guess it can be counted as successful, but honestly there hasn’t been a kid or family friendly movie all year so I wonder if a lot of the box office success stems from “Oh my God we have to get these kids out of the house before they completely wreck the place” syndrome. The timing was just too good for this movie to fail (I predict next year we will have 10 kids movies at the end of February, each of which will fail due to too many kids movies out there. There is nothing Hollywood likes better than to leach on to a trend. Ever see one of those Three Stooges episodes where all three Stooges try to go through a door at the same time and get in each others way? If not check back in Feb).
The story is of Gary Supernova and his brother Scorch (even the names bug the hell out of me. Buzz Lightyear made sense because he was named by a toy marketing agency. I suppose the same could be said to be true here, but for heavens sake try to be a little original), who are some kind of alien professional adventure team or something. Scorch is the action star while Gary is the brains behind the brawn, directing things from a control station while Scorch does his best to have things go horribly wrong. They have missions like rescuing babies (who puts babies by themselves in a space ship? Also, if six babies were in a ship that crashed and they were surrounded by dangerous aliens wouldn’t they send in like 10,000 battle droids? Very little makes sense). Gary has a wife and son who hang out at work with him. The kid is every bit as annoying as a kid action hero can be, plus 3. They team is given a mission to the “Dark Planet”, the most dangerous planet in the universe.
Ugh. Recounting this story is giving me a headache. Scorch gets captured by the US Army (oh, the most dangerous planet in the universe is Earth. Surprise!). Some cartoonish (yes, I know. He’s a cartoon. Still) general is kidnapping aliens to make his super death ray. Gary goes after him and also gets captured. At that point the movie turns into a typical escape movie mixed with Scooby Doo. There is a twist and sub plot but the motivation for all the characters to do anything is so weak none of it makes sense.
Again, I won’t star and black hole it. It seems to be a commercial success so look forward to Escape from Planet Earth II: Scorch’s Revenge or something soon. I will say it was the weakest of the animated films I watched in the last couple years. I enjoy most animated films but was seriously eying the exit. It will keep your 4-6 year old entertained but I believe most older kids will think it dumb. Kids are smarter than most parent think, and have a very keen sense of the lame. As a parent you will be bored stupid. Spare yourself and just throw something on the NetFlix for your rug rat.
Thanks for reading. I always feel dirty after trashing a kids movie, but even stuff for the little kiddiewinks needs to have some accountability. Otherwise we will end up giant dancing colorful creatures with televisions surgically embedded in their stomachs. I am headed to LA this weekend for another Warhammer tournament (West Coast GT, if you actually care). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to comment on this movie or my review here. If you have off topic questions or comments feel free to email them to me at [email protected]. Talk to you next week.
Dave
Jack the Giant Slayer Review
Fee Fi Fo Fum. I saw a movie and it was kind of dumb.
I suspect I have some kind of brain disorder that once in a while causes my higher brain functions to temporarily shut down, allowing my stem to make decisions and value judgements (either that or I am just flat out stupid and all of you have been just too kind to tell me. If so, thank you). You see, when I saw the trailer for Jack the Giant Slayer I actually made the mistake of being excited and thinking the possibility of it not sucking could exist.
However, it has been proven that pessimists live longer than optimists and if so the pessimism I have learned doing these reviews will allow me to live to 500. I have a secret desire to see old fairy tales retold and re-imagined as something cool and have experienced the same bitter disappointment when given other Grimm re-do’s like Mirror Mirror or Snow White and the Huntsmen: instead of coming up with some cool twist on the old story they take the story and beat it into a mediocre, mundane shape that is pretty and relatively palatable for the unwashed masses but will never qualify as quality entertainment.
This point was even more driven home with this dross. I should have known when I saw that they cast pretty-boy-of-the-week Nicholas Hoult (Warm Bodies, About a Boy, X-Men First Class) as the lead. Sure, I liked him in Warm Bodies but he was playing a zombie in that one. Hell, I could play a zombie. No, in this one he is pretty clearly here to suck cash out of the pockets of teenage and pre-teen girls. However, the trailer showed huge epic battles with giants wreaking havoc on humans. 
Remember in the prolog of the Fellowship of the Ring when Suaron himself comes out to curb stomp the measly humans and elves. How cool was it when he would send a dozen guys flying with one swing of his mace? That’s what I wanted. The giants come down and start a brutal war and that is what pretty much was sold to us in the trailers.
Nope. Instead we get the usual dross taken from the Big Book of Boring Disney Movie Cliche’s. Any of this sound familiar? Princess wants to run around and know the people. Her dad is going to marry her off to some creepy old guy who also has a plan to conquer the kingdom (given that he was going to be the king anyway can someone tell me why he needed to recruit giants to do it? That was one of the giant plot holes (haw!)) and is more or less evil for evil’s sake. Jack is a lowly peasant who gets magic beans, has a ridiculous series of narrow escapes, rescues the princess, finds the magic MacGuffin that auto-defeats the giants, saves the kingdom, and gets the girl (sorry I should have given a spoiler alert there but if you walked into this film and couldn’t figure out within the first 20 minutes how it was going to end please go stick your head in a wasps nest).
The story. Really, I just gave it to you. Jack (Nicholas Hoult) is some kind of pretty moron who lives with his uncle. The uncle sends him to sell the farm horse and cart (wasn’t it a cow in the story? There is the creative re-imagining I have been begging for. Thanks guys) in order to pay for something. He gets sucked into a puppet show where a he tries to defend a pretty girl from some local color. She turns out to be the Princess (Eleanor Tomlinson-the Illusionist, Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging, Alice in Wonderland). Meanwhile the cart he left outside unattended gets stolen but the thieves left the horse (can someone else explain this to me? An expert ring of cart thieves takes the time to unhitch the cart and drag it by hand through the muddy streets (or perhaps hitch it to another horse) but leave the obviously valuable horse in exactly the same position? Wouldn’t it be about 489 times easier to just lead the horse off and sell the horse as well (if nothing else Ikea would buy it for their meatballs apparently)?). Meanwhile a monk (Simon Lowe-NFA, Nowhere Boy, Large) steals some magic beans from the evil adviser to the king. The adviser (Stanley Tucci-the Devil Wears Prada, the Terminal, the Hunger Games) is engaged to the princess in spite of a massive age difference. His secret plan is to use the beans to climb up to the giant kingdom and use the a magic crown that commands giants to do what he wants.
You know, some story recaps feel more like work than others, and this is one. I’m going into super speed mode. The monk trades Jack the beans for his horse to get away. The uncle gets pissed off. The princess ends up at Jacks place during the rain and one of the beans grows up and takes her with it. The king (Ian McShane-Deadwood, Deathrace, Snow White and the Huntsman) sends his best man Elmont (Ewan McGregor-Episodes I-III, Train Spotting, Big Fish), the adviser, the comic relief, Jack, and a big team of redshirts to find her. Things go bad. The giants go berserk but are confounded by a drawbridge. Jack finds the crown and the giants go home. The worst epilog in movie history surfaces. The end.
The stars. If you hadn’t been hoping to see battle royale and are OK with trite teenie bopper stories it’s not bad. One star. The CGI giants were pretty cool. One star. There were some humorous moments early on (if you liked Your Highness you might enjoy it). One star. What action there was present was OK. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Plot holes that were not only huge, but stupid as well. One black hole. The whole move felt like the executive producer was an eight year old girl. One black hole. Overselling the movie and then making it a trite story. One black hole. If cliche’s were stone blocks I think they made the movie castle out of them. One black hole. The kings costume (and later the princesses) were so stupid looking (sorry, but there is no one in the history of warfare who ever, ever thought armor made of gold was a good idea) that they more or less ruined all the work done by all the decent costuming in the rest of the film. One black hole. I guess the producers were so impressed by the stupid non-existant super weapons of the Three Musketeers and Hansel & Gretel that they decided what the film lacked was a fully automatic machine-ballista. One black hole. The action struggled under the PG-13 blanket like a nerd being given a swirlie. One black hole. The human villain couldn’t have appeared more purposelessly evil if he had renamed himself Vlad the Impaler. One black hole. Total: Eight black holes.
So four black holes. Not great, but not brain damagingly bad. Like most of these fairy tale adaptations it sits on the ghetto side of the Mediocre Valley. Worth seeing? Sure if you are looking for something to do and the local fairgrounds is out of deep fried twinkies. If you are going to see it try to see it on the big screen. The giants will look kind of lame on a little one. Date movie? Maybe, if the girl you are seeing has a thing for princesses and unicorns. Otherwise don’t insult her intelligence. Bathroom break? You don’t want to miss the last 30 minutes when the giants open up their can of whoop ass (I’m not saying it’s great. Just that if you sat through the first 84 minutes you might as well see the best part). I’d say the scene right after the first beanstalk falls and the princess is reunited with the king. Not a lot happening there.
Thanks for reading. I also saw 21 and Over this weekend, so my excrement cup runneth over. I’ll write that one up tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this review or the movie itself feel free to post them below. Off topic questions and suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Stand Up Guys Review
Sit down, guys.
There’s a weird ego driven trend in Hollywood action movies these days. The fact is for stars who have achieved a certain level of success and notoriety there seems to be a hesitancy to give them roles that don’t have them be awesome in some way in spite of the fact that they are well past their action hero prime. It would seem to me after a while when it is obvious you don’t have the ability to go toe to toe with younger guys anymore you take the Clint Eastwood approach of one last signature movie (Unforgiven) and hang up your guns in favor of roles that stress your moral and character superiority (Gran Torino) or just show yourself in less appealing roles that display your acting ability. That does seem to be the path taken by some actors (Bill Murray was great in Lost in Translation and as himself in Zombieland for example) but for other stars it seems they can’t let go of the old magic (cough cough Expendables 2 cough cough).
I don’t even know if this is a reflection of the actors themselves per se. Christopher Walken was willing to play a doddering ex bad ass in Seven Psychopaths and Al Pacino took a role as himself that made him look like the biggest jackass in cinema history in Jack and Jill (did he even read the script before agreeing to do it?). I think in most cases this issue stems from the writer and the director. It’s like telling a kid to build a simple house out of Legos and them giving him a monstrously huge Lego collection (in other words, the contents of my office closet) complete with Medieval, space, Star Wars, pirate, and Harry Potter pieces. Sure, he could create a really good house with that, but the temptation to use this sudden wealth of resources is overpowering and by the time he is done the house has turned into a massive futuristic city with flying cars, space ships, monsters, gladiatorial arenas, defense turrets, and a standing army for defense against the mail man (in other words, a typical Saturday afternoon at my place).
How does this complex analogy apply to Stand Up Guys? (Spoilers incoming, so skip to the end of you will be annoyed by that) Well, the movie started out as an aging buddy picture with a really dark twist. Granted it was slow but it looked like it could actually move you to an emotional response (still waiting to see what that is like myself). However, given Al Pacino and Christopher Walken the director and writer opted to turn the whole thing into a dumb action movie for no apparent reason. Two old gangsters dealing with their mortality and friendship suddenly turn into action heroes, effectively robbing the majority of the gravitas built up until then and take what looked like a real film about real guys and made it into something George Lucas would be proud of (if it weren’t for the lack of annoying racist cartoon characters).
If a movie could be compared to building a castle (sorry now I’ve got my Medieval Legos on my brain) than Stand Up Guys would be made mostly of sand, ground up tire bits, and wood shavings glued together with spit and corn starch. The castle would be a dilapidated mess, but the only thing holding it up would be the most amazing buttresses ever in the form of Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, and Alan Arkin (Walken image courtesy of the Movie t shirt category). They really hold it together with their amazing characters and acting. In fact their talent is so out of place in this dross that you really wonder what they are all doing there.
The story is of Val (Al Pacino-the Godfather, Scarface, Heat) getting out of prison after 28 years. He is picked up by his best friend Doc (Christopher Walken-the Deerhunter, Things to do in Denver when you’re Dead, Suicide Kings) who takes him to his crappy apartment. They are both old gangsters. It is revealed quickly that Doc has been ordered by a gangster kingpin (Mark Margolis-Black Swan, Pi, the Wrestler) to kill Val for the death of his son and has given until 10 the next morning to do it. Val and Doc go out on the town to live it up one last time.
The two guys visit a brothel (a joke that gets beaten into the ground for way too long) and do some crime stuff such as steal Viagra and a sports car. They rescue their old friend Hirsh (Alan Arkin-Little Miss Sunshine, Argo, Edward Scissorhands) from an old age home who is still the most amazing drive ever or something.
At that point the movie stops being Godfather II meets Grumpy Old Men and starts being About Schmidt meets the Fast and the Furious with a smattering of Above the Law. Hirsh outraces a bunch of cops. They find a naked girl tied up in the trunk of their stolen car and go after the guys who kidnapped and raped her. They go back to the brothel for the 3rd time that night. With each disjointed action scene the connection you felt to the characters drains away. The ending the movie had been building up to all the way through gets dropped at the last minute for what was behind curtain number 2 (a huge pile of ass).
The stars. One each for Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, and Alan Arkin. Three stars. The rest of the supporting actors were much better than this script deserved. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Trying to make an action film out of a drama, and shifting the movie gears to an entirely different transmission in the last two minutes. One black hole. The running gag with the brothel scene took up about 1/3rd of the movie and really got old after a while. One black hole. The Madame of the brothel (Lucy Punch-Bad Teacher, Hot Fuzz, Dinner for Schmucks) is very easy on the eyes but she felt really miscast and consequently had the only part that felt fake to me (not really Lucy’s fault IMO). One black hole. The movie producers should go into time travel research because throughout the film they made each minute feel like three. One black hole. The ending of film managed to take an otherwise fairly tight script and riddle it with plot holes. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A total of one black hole. Worth seeing? Sure, if you want to concentrate on the performances of the three actors and aren’t concerned with the tone or story. A lot of my issues can be pretty esoteric so most of my specific points might be missed by someone not looking for nits to pick. However, there were long swaths of film that I would have found truly boring were it not for the actors. Odds are the viewer who doesn’t see the subtleties will find those to be a grind. See it in the comfort of your own home. Nothing on the screen requires a theater. Date movie? Meh. Most women aren’t into these guys as dudes are, and that will only leave her bored. Bathroom break? Any of the scenes in the brothel could be missed with impunity. The best parts of this film is the acting chemistry between Walken and Pacino so try to see all of those.
Thanks for reading. I am getting ready for the Star Trek show in Burbank this weekend and don’t know if I will have time to do much for a few days. If you have comments on this film or my review please post them at the bottom of this article (if you don’t see a comment section click here). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or email me with off topic suggestions and questions at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
