Cold Light of Day Review
Yawn-tastic.
It’s rare that you see such a blatant use of the old bait-and-switch gambit in movie making. The other night while considering what movie to subject myself to I came across this film and saw that it featured Bruce Willis. I am a Bruce Willis fan and have found that he brings a lot of intensity and actual acting ability to action films. I checked out a trailer and saw he was featured prominently so I figured “How bad can it be? Even Hudson Hawk was entertaining”.
However, 15 minutes into the film Bruce’s character proves to have a fatal allergy to bullets, leaving us with Henry Cavill grinding through some of the most formulaic spy movie garbage possible. If there were a spy movie drinking game this film would have had me carted off with alcohol poisoning by the third act. If you’ve seen it once, you’ve seen this movie.
Again, the thing that frustrates me is that this movie did have some elements that might have saved it. Henry Cavill did his best with what he had. Sigourney Weaver is always worth watching. Some of the driving action was pretty good. The Spanish girl they got to play the female eye candy was reasonably hot.
However, this film seems motivated to prove the Third Law of Thermodynamics: for every force or action there is an equal and opposite force or action (or in this case film element). For all of Henrys effort in doing something with his character the rest of the cast acted like animatronic characters from a Disneyland ride. Sigourney Weaver Skyped in her performance, and her character gave us no real reason to either love or hate her. The chase scenes are well executed, but the jerky editing really takes you out of the immersion into a rancid theater seat with some homeless guy in the row ahead of you coughing up phlegm (I don’t know for sure he was homeless). The hot girl turns out to be the protagonists sister, bleeding any potential romance and secondary nuance into the afterlife with Bruce Willis.
And of course, the story is dry, boring, plot hole riddled, and ultimately lacking in anything to draw you in. You can watch the entirety of the film and never once feel your pulse quicken or your eyes open all the way.
The only thing that got my blood moving is an ugly trend I see in movie titles. It turns out in the last few years the need for a movie title to actually have anything to do with the movie is way more optional than most of us would imagine. Remember when Fight Club would describe a film about a club for fighting? Star Wars was about wars among the stars, Dusk Till Dawn was about surviving until morning, and Sex and the City was about a mythical (in my recent experience) city wherein sex would occur. Instead we get a lot of movies that seemed to be named by a marketing research department with no regard for the actual content of the film. This movie shares a lot in common with the movie Abduction, and one of those things is the worthlessness of the title. There is nothing in the film that remotely implies some significance to light, cold, or day. In fact a lot of the film takes place at night in what looks like a balmy Spanish city.
Anyway, the film. Will (Henry Cavill-the Tudors, Immortals, Man of Steel. By the way, I will say his acting ability has improved since Immortals) is a businessman flying into Spain to spend a week with his family; his enabling younger brother (Rafi Gavron), alchoholic mother (Caroline Goodall-Schindlers List, Cliffhanger, Hook), the brothers girlfriend (Emma Hamilton-the Tudors, Into the Storm, Friends Forever), and his father Martin (Bruce Willis-Die Hard, Sixth Sense, Fifth Element). Turns out his business is going bankrupt. Martin is a domineering jerk and the family does some social things and some attempt is made at developing the father/son antagonistic relationship. This all would have been handy if Martin hadn’t died 10 minutes later and the rest of his family gotten locked in a box for the rest of the film. Anyway, Will has a fight and swims to shore. While there the boat moves and it turns out the entire family is missing. They have been kidnapped and Martin has been working for the CIA as some kind of agent. 
He rescues Will from the local corrupt law enforcement and meets with Carrack (Sigourney Weaver-Alien, Paul, Heart Breakers. Alien image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt Category). After the meeting he gets shot.
Honestly, that is about when the story started to come apart in terms of keeping me interested. Will gets chases by a bad guy and accused of killing a Spanish policeman. He meets up with Carrack who turns out to want nothing(?) from him or something. He tracks down a friend of his dad and a hot girl (Verónica Echegui-Bunny and the Bull, My Name is Juani) who turns out to be his half sister. The bad guys turn out to be kind of good somehow, and Carrack is supposed to want to kill his whole family for no reason. There is a massive car chase and gun battle that no one in the city seems to care about.
The stars. The girl is pretty much what my dream woman should plan on looking like. One star. Even in bad movies I enjoy seeing both Sigourney Weaver and Bruce Willis. One star. I’ll give half a star for Henry Cavill doing his best with the role, and another half star for some of the driving action. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Having the main reason I saw this film disappear after 20 minutes. One black hole. Overall kind of boring and pointless. One black hole. Mediocre acting from pretty much everyone. One black hole. Some big giant plot holes and lack of motivation. One black hole. There was this huge mystery surrounding the contents of a briefcase, and at the end of the film not only did they fail to tell you what the hell was in it but they failed to impart any kind of meaning or point to the film. This isn’t Pulp Fiction. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So a total of two black holes. It has been a while since I had a review in the negative. Either I am getting soft or have so become acclimatized to banality and mediocrity that even crap is starting to look good to me. I need to tighten up and be more merciless. Is there anything to make you want to go see this film? Not really. On the other hand there really isn’t anything so bad to make you not want to go see this film. If you watch it you will be occupied for 93 minutes and not really regret the time, but honestly you would be better reading a good book. Date movie? I supposed, if what you are looking for is bland, PG-13 action with no surprises. The lack of romance will not get her thinking in the right direction however so maybe not. Bathroom break? I’d say the scene in the club when they are treating Will’s gunshot wound with a magic spoon (I wish I were kidding) is pretty worthless.
Thanks for reading. More stuff coming out soon. Plus I have some more Star Trek related things to talk about. I know you can’t get enough of that. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to comment here on this film or my review. If you have an off topic question or comment email me at [email protected]. Thanks again. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Campaign Review
I feel like I am falling way behind in my reviews, but the fact is every other aspect of my life has ramped up to 11, cutting back on my time to spend on these. It is unfortunate. Between seeing and writing these reviews each one of them can take up to 6 hours, and that is a big chunk of my day.
I am a massive Will Ferrel fan, and even before doing reviews would try to see him in everything he did. Zoolander is one of my favorite comedies, mainly due to the awesomeness of Will as Mugatu. I consider it a nod in the right direction when they named his character after the space yeti from Star Trek A Private Little War. (Zoolander image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).
However, I was forced to give his most recent movie Casa de Mi Padre kind of a crap review. It just missed the mark by a lot IMO, and I went into this film hopeful for something great but really fearing another dog.
Thankfully this movie had me laughing my ass off, at least in parts. Will Ferrell, with his ability to pull serious and ridiculous in the same line of dialog, combined with the very talented Zack Galifianakis made some scenes that were funnier than a lot of things I have watched in the last three years. The funny doesn’t necessarily carry throughout the entirety of the movie, but there are a few moments that stand out so hard that I think they are worth the entire cost of the film.
If I were to offer a criticism (which, technically, is what I am here to do) it would be that the film shot off all it’s funny ammunition in the first 30-40 minutes and was kind of grinding out the script by the end. It is a curse of political campaign films that in the end, despite all of Hollywood’s attempts to convince us otherwise, political campaigns are ultimately boring. However, even in the grinding portions of the film there are truly comedic moments, usually involving ridiculous campaign ads or debate debacle. This film was also laced with some serious supporting talent, with the great Dan Aykroyd and Johnathon Lithgow not just doing cameos but actually having great roles throughout the story.
The other criticism that could be offered up is that both of the main characters are mainly playing the same characters they have always played. Zack is more or less doing a nicer version of his character from the Hangover, and Will is playing his Bush role from SNL. This doesn’t necessarily hurt the movie itself, and if you are a fan of those roles you will probably be very happy with it, but still.
The story is of a North Carolina Congressmen (Will Ferrell-Elf, Zoolander, Stranger than Fiction) who is running unopposed in his next re-election when a bad drunk dial to a Christian family (headed appropriately enough by Jack McBrayer in a great cameo) exposes him as a degenerate. The local power brokers the Motch brothers (John Lithgow and Dan Aykroyd) decide he is too much effort to get re-elected and opt to support another candidate. They tap local character Marty Huggins (Zack Galifianakis-The Hangover, the Hangover Part 2, Due Date) as their man. He is weird and frumpy, so they send in veteran campaign manager Tim Wattley (Dylan McDermott-the Practice, In the Line of Fire, the Messangers) to revamp his life, making him more manly and appealing to the voters.
At that point the movie turns into a tit-for-tat dirty politics campaign movie. One side comes out with a brutal ad and the other retaliates. Marty is a honorable neophyte and Cam Brady is a corrupt veteran. There is a sub plot about the entire district being sold to the Chinese. Things get dirty fast, but honestly the story gets pretty political movie stereotyped without actually committing to any one side or the other. This happens about the time the jokes run out of gas, making the last 1/3rd of the film a grind.
The stars. The cast was chock full of great actors, and I enjoyed them a lot. Three stars. There were some bust your gut moments (the Huggins dinner table in particular) that had me holding my sides. One star. They didn’t do the thing that infuriates me about films like this in making the wife of the fat dumpy guy super hot. One star. Generally fun and worth watching. One star. Total: six stars.
The black hole. The humor kind of drained out of the film by the last half. One black hole. Aside from some really funny moments the story and script was pretty rote and by the book. One black hole. The film seriously suffered from the directors constant avoidance of anything actually political or controversial. People who sit on a fence are boring. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of three stars. Better than Casa. It’s funny, but will it be a classic like Elf or Zoolander? No. Cute NetFlix fare when you are bored on a Tuesday night. Nothing on the screen really required a big one, so feel free to watch it at home. Date movie? Sure, if you want something bland that won’t offend anyone. Bathroom break? Nothing past the halfway mark is really critical, except for maybe the scene with Will freaking out in his campaign headquarters. However this film is only 85 minutes so hopefully you can hold it.
Thanks for reading. Not my best review, but for those I need something I either really love or really hate. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to post comments on this review or move here. If you have any off topic questions or comments feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Possession Review
A weird combination of awesome and mundane.
Anyone else remember when Hollywood was a font of creativity with new and cool ideas coming out all the time? When original ideas were sought and lauded while producers and actors worked to create their own identity and not be like anything else?
Well, those days are long gone, and thank God! Who wants exciting new ideas when we can get our entertainment spoon fed to us from the moldering compost heap of old movies? We take the time to recycle our paper, plastic, and metal. Why not recycle ideas as a means of making money without having to strain the creative process? Surely our Mother Earth will thank us at some point.
Sigh. That was a little harsh. This movie is by no means bad, and in many ways is really, really good. However, it is pretty much the Exorcist with a little bit of the Devil Inside and any number of other possession themed movies. The plot is painfully predictable for anyone who has seen an exorcism movie and doesn’t even attempt to mix it up (unless changing the Catholic priest into a Jewish rabbi counts as a radical change). The predictability, combined with the modern PC enamored inability to take the horror to the actual level needed (remember Linda Blair violating herself with a holy cross? Nothing that horrible in here) makes the scenes in here that are supposed to terrify you seem more prosaic, like watching an exorcism documentary. There are a few jump out at you moments, but other than that I never found myself honestly that scared.
What this movie does have, however, is some of the best acting I have seen in any horror movie ever. 
The protagonist Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan-Watchmen (Comedian), the Losers, P.S. I Love You. Watchmen image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) plays the role like this is his Oscar nomination, and his interaction with his young possessed daughter (Natasha Calis-Impact, the Firm, Held Hostage) has real father/daughter chemistry. Natasha as Em does a job that most adults would envy, moving seamlessly from innocent vegetarian idealist to possessed Hell-spawn. The other daughter (Madison Davenport-Horton Hears a Who, Over the Hedge) is also amazing in her support role. The estranged wife (Kira Sedgwick-Phenomenon, Closer, Gamer) and her d-bag boyfriend (Grant Show-Melrose Place, Natalie Holloway, Ice) both nail the roles down hard. I think it fair to say I have seen a lot of movies in the last couple years filled with both good and bad acting and this one really amazed me.
Sam Raime is involved in this movie in some ill defined way. I have something of a love/hate relationship with Raime, similar in nature (if not in magnitude) to my relationship with George Lucas. I love Sam for Evil Dead I and II, Army of Darkness, Bubba Hotep, and Drag Me to Hell but he did his credibility a huge disservice with his last Spider-man movie. A lifetime of great movie accomplishments ruined by emo Peter Parker and Green Goblin on a snowboard.
Before I get into the meat of this film I would like to raise one thing this movie had going on that bugged the hell out of me. Like most horror movies this one capitalized on dark lighting effects to enhance the terror. However, the trick the director came up with to create the dark lighting was to literally get the actors to forget how to turn on a light switch. If any normal human walks into a dark morgue filled with corpses the first thing they are going to do is feel around the side of the door looking for the lights, not try to use their cell phone to see what is going on. This happened over and over again, all in rooms that nominally have great lighting. Hospitals, schools, modern houses; the list of scenes where the actor should have reached out all of 18 inches to actually see what the hell was going on is brutally extensive. I know this is a minor thing but I noticed it early on and ever time it happened after that it just bugged me more.
Anyway, the story. If there is one lesson to be gleaned from this movie it’s to NOT buy any occult looking garbage at a garage sale. Clyde and his wife are getting a divorce and their two daughters are dealing with it. Clyde buys Em a wooden box that contains an evil demon who possesses her. Now go rent the Exorcist and you have the entire story.
I’m not kidding. Em doesn’t spend as much time in bed, spinning her head, or bazooka barfing all over the place but essentially goes through the same progressively evil transformation and redemption. Instead of a Catholic priest Clyde finds a young Jewish rabbi (Matisyahu-Knocked Up, the Other Men in Black, Matisyahu) to perform the ceremony. There is a lot more chasing, and the box plays a big part of it, but that’s essentially it.
The stars. Phenomenal acting. I would see any of the actors in this film in almost anything else they do (all right, as a reviewer I would probably see it anyway, but at least I won’t be dreading it so much). Three stars. Camera work and pacing were all of high quality, as well as really good lighting effects. One star. If you have never seen anything more terrifying than the Sound of Music and are unfamiliar with the story of the Exorcist this film will scare the pants off you and be seen as a pretty decent movie. One star. Total: Five stars.
The black holes. So cookie cutter derivative it might as well have been written by taking the script from the Exorcist and used the Find and Replace function in Microsoft Word a half dozen times. Two black holes. The whole missing light switch thing, which even now is chaffing me like a pricker bush thong. One black hole. That’s pretty much it. Three black holes total.
A final score of two stars. That score isn’t really representative of the actual film quality. It’s not that bad really, and if you are either a super fan of the Exorcist or have never seen it you will probably enjoy the hell out of it. This movie frustrates me, in that had they used all that amazing acting and character development in a script even slightly more original they could have had an all time classic. Instead they have another remake that doesn’t even have the balls to call itself a remake. Come to think of it I think I would have enjoyed this a lot more had it just been the Exorcist 2012 with this cast of people. Date movie? Not really. Gruesome enough to put a girl off while not honestly terrifying enough to have her in your lap. Lawless is a better date film IMO. Bathroom break? That’s a good question. I was enjoying all the acting so much that I can’t think of anything worth missing. I guess I would say the scene between Em and Brett (the ex wife’s boyfriend) in the garage. You get the point (she’s evil) in the first three seconds and the rest of it doesn’t add anything.
Thanks for reading. I don’t have any movie plans this weekend but am sure I will come up with something. Watching lots of Star Trek right now. Feel free to comment on this review or movie here. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Amazing Dave
Clove Owen as the villain from the new Robocop
So I guess they are remaking another Robocop. On the one hand I say why? Robocop was about as perfect a movie as you can get. On the other hand I’m kind of excited to see a new one. It could end up being really good. I’m sure Dave will have his issues with it.
So they are casting Clive Owen as the CEO of Robocop. That could be good. I liked him in Children of Men and the Inside Man. I think his dry style could play out well as a cold, heartless capitalist. I just hope they don’t ruin the movie by making him the big bad guy. In the original the CEO was a bad guy but he was more the overseer pulling the strings. If they make him the guy Robocop has to kill the movie will just feel too complete without the massive corporate menace the first movie played on.
The OCP logo I just grabbed from Dave’s movie t shirt collection. By the way, he just told me he has like a dozen new Robocop t shirts going up in the next couple days. I can’t wait to see them.
Jason
Jim Carrey to star in Kick Ass 2?
For once I don’t have an issue with a casting decision. I am actually a big fan of Jim Carrey and Kick Ass, although Jim has done some lame movies lately like Mr. Poppers Penguins. It looked so bad Dave skipped it entirely, and if you have seen some of the garbage he has reviewed you know that is saying a lot.
I haven’t read the comic series, but apparently Jim is going to be cast as the Colonel, some kind of ex gangster who finds God and becomes a super hero. He is supposed to be the leader of some kind of team called Justice Forever. I also read that Jim is a huge fan of Kick Ass, which I think is super cool.
Of course, Nick Cage being a fan of Ghost Rider did nothing to redeem that train wreck, but I am kind of sick of young actors being cast into classic roles that they don’t give a damn about. It’s OK to be a fan of your own role IMO.
The Dumb and Dumber image I pulled from Dave’s Movie T Shirt collection. He has a lot.
Jason
Expendables 2 Review
Pretty expendable, in my opinion.
I have been looking forward to this movie, to be honest. I enjoyed the first Expendables with the same guilty pleasure that makes me enjoy watching videos of guys getting hit in the testicles with baseballs and the like. Intellectually I don’t feel like I have at all improved my attitude, karma, or life in any way, but the animalistic brain stem part of my personality gains a deep satisfaction by watching literally mindless violence imparted on evil minions by guys who starred in most of the greatest action films of my childhood (Expendables poster image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).
This move definitely has the mindless violence covered, and more blood and action than a chainsaw juggler on meth. If that is all you want you will enjoy it immensely. However, the first movie at least tried to qualify as a movie, with an actual story, character development, and pacing. This movie has more or less given up on all that and not even bothered. The “plot” is perfunctory at best and only serves to connect the action sequences with all the cohesion of spit and toe jam. While some minor effort is wasted on trying to develop the characters it fails miserable, sabotaged by poor acting, poor direction, and dialog that seemed to shift back and forth from barely tolerable to wishing I was listening to metal albums backwards in hopes of hearing a Satanic message.
What then about the real draw of this film? What about the collection of all the greatest action heroes from the last 30 years? Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Stratham, Li, Lundgren, Norris, Van Damme, and Willis? With all that concentrated awesome in one film shouldn’t the movie achieve cinema cold fusion and spontaneously generate the greatest action film of all time? Unfortunately, no. It was actually a case of too much of a good thing. You get excited to see Arnold again, then Willis, and by the time you get to Chuck Norris you are kind of over it. Also, with the exception of Bruce Willis and arguably Stratham none of these action guys are well known for their acting ability, an issue that compounds itself with each additional scene. The problem was exacerbated by the newcomers also being pretty mediocre actors. You would think they might have tried hiring some talent for this. The guy I most liked got killed in the first 20 minutes.
Furthermore the “plot devices” they used to crowbar in each of these guys didn’t so much suspend my disbelief as eviscerate it and hang the remains from a gibbet. Each actor had to have some kind of reference to their trademark movie inserted with all the finesse of an anesthesia-less tracheostomy performed with gardening sheers. It’s funny how in the review I did for the recent Total Recall I enjoyed the clever references to the prior movie. Here the term “ham handed” fails to encompass how awkward, out of place, and disconnecting every “I’ll be back” or “lone wolf” joke felt.
The story, for lack of a better term. The Expendables are still running around Third World countries killing hapless locals in pursuit of money. Their old nemesis Church (Bruce Willis) shows up to extort them into doing a simple mission for him (this was actually the only non action scene I really liked to be honest. Bruce Willis can actually act). Barney (Sylvester Stallone) collects the rest of his team and hooks up with a sort of hot Asian girl (Nan Yu) who is tagging along as an expert in the technology of the safe they have to crack open. Apparently they are after some data that is the only know location for five tons of weapons grade plutonium left over from the cold war. It is in a high tech safe on a crashed plane (I guess no one uses email these days) that is somewhere in what I thought was China but later turned out to be some kind of Ukrainian peasant country. I guess they don’t investigate crashed planes.
Anyway, they find the data but are ambushed on the way out by the villain cleverly named Vilain (see what they did there? John Claude Van Damme, by the way). He captures the data from them but instead of either killing the whole team or just sending them on their way he does the stupidest thing possible, killing the one young guy in the most telegraphed death scene since Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. This of course motivates Stallone to lay out the entire rest of the plot in six words: “Track them. Find them. Kill them.”
Honestly that’s pretty much the rest of the movie. Lots of stuff gets blown up. The Expendables are fully capably of one shoting dozens of guys while zip lining down a massive cliff but the bad guys can’t hit the broad side of a barn from inside the barn. Seriously, the inability of trained mercenaries to hit squat from 20 feet firing on full auto got really ridiculous after a while. Most of the movie was like watching someone else play Duke Nukem on easy mode. Jet Li is in the first part of the film but then disappears, possibly off to do an action movie.
Anyway, the stars. The action, while ridiculous enough to make a trained monkey performing brain surgery seem believable, was exactly what the movie makers set out to do and what most of the audience most likely wants. Two stars. While the acting was execrable and the cramming of stars felt like coming in second in a week old hot dog eating contest, it was super cool to see all those past stars on one film. Three stars. I actually really enjoyed Van Damme as the villain and thought he did the best job of all of them. One star. The final fight scene between Barney and Vilain was pretty cool. One star. Overall a fun movie that accomplishes exactly what it set out to do. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. The story was God awful. One black hole. They sped through a lot of the plot advancing stuff, leaving what a less generous reviewer might call massive plot holes. One black hole. I honestly feel kind of ripped off at only 102 minutes. Another 12-15 minutes of plot, story, or character development would have been very well received. One black hole. The action was so ridiculous (especially surrounding Chuck Norris) that it actually hurt my brain. Also, what is the point of having Chuck Norris in a film that celebrates his action hero status but then not have him do any martial arts? One black hole. The crow barring in of bad jokes from past movies (or, in the case of Chuck Norris, bad Chuck Norris jokes) was really distracting. One black hole. The acting was almost universally like watching a scenery chewing contest. I don’t know who won but I definitely know who lost, and we were sitting in the theater. One black hole. They somehow found a non-action star love interest who had all the sexual chemistry of watching water evaporate. Her acting actually made most of the other acting seem better in comparison. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
A grand total of two stars, and to be honest I was reticent in my awarding of black holes. On a different day I might have dumped a lot more. However, you have to bear in mind what this movie set out to do. If all you want in mindless, dumb violence than you have found the equivalent of the Godfather. If you are looking for a story more complicated than a weak episode of Muppet Babies and acting more accomplished than a Punch and Judy skit than perhaps you had best walk on. If you do want to see it watch on a big screen. Date movie? Hell no. This film is an anti-date movie. Bathroom break? While no one scene is really critical for the story, if you want to not miss any of the action I would recommend the camping scene in the abandoned pizza restaurant. Nothing really happens besides bad sort of romance.
Thanks for reading. I will see at least one more movie tomorrow so look for another review soon. Jason is getting back tomorrow so he might be posting soon. If you have comments or questions related to this movie or my review of it feel free to post here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Who would win? An Imperial Space Marine Dreadnaught verses ED209?
So I saw some guys playing the new 40K yesterday and that got me thinking about it again. I also picked up a book on the Iron Hands, who if you know 40K you know are really into Dreadnaughts. Thus I come to this question: Who would win in a fight between a Dreadnaught and en ED209?
Honestly this one seems pretty obviously in the favor of the Dreadnaught. Centuries of battle experience, super human reflexes, and a large variety of weapon options just give it the flexibility. However, for the sake of this fight let’s say it was not equipped with any missile launchers, lascannons, or any other good long range vehicle killers. It think it this case it would still win, but would take a beating as it moved up to the ED209. If you recall the ED209 had some mini missile launchers and it’s main guns seemed bolter sized. However, I believe that once the Dreadnaught got up close enough it would be able to beat the ED209 into scrap with it’s power fist. Not a lot the ED could do with no arms to speak of.
The image I got from Dave’s movie t shirt collection. There isn’t much he doesn’t have, although I’m still waiting for his 40K tees.
Jason
The Watch review
Worth watching IMO.
I know I’m definitely going against most of the other reviewers out there and my own general inclination by saying I kind of liked this film. It had it’s issues for sure, and if I were less favorably inclined towards the cast might have taken a more severe approach to the review, but in general I found it fun and entertaining.
I have seen a number of other reviews liken it to a sci fi Tower Heist and I think that is where the line gets drawn. If you enjoyed Tower Heist the odds are you’ll enjoy this film. If you did not enjoy Tower Heist then no amount of humor will make this film watchable for you.
That’s not to say some of the gripes I’m reading are not legitimate, because they are. This film is infested with plot holes, extremely low brow humor, and story points delivered in bulk from Cliche’s ‘R Us. To say this movie is derivative of other films is like saying a footprint is derivative of a shoe. If you are looking for new ideas, great script, compelling story, or great special effects keep on walking. However, if you like rated R humor that does not rely on excrement jokes and enjoy Ben Stiller than by all means stop by and sit a spell (101 minutes, to be exact).
This film is the quintessential (a less upbeat reviewer might say regurgitated) alien invasion film (Mars Attacks image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). Evan (Ben Stiller-Tower Heist, Tropic Thunder, Zoolander) is the manager of the local Costco and loves the podunk town he lives in. The night security guard is horrifically murdered and he takes it on himself to form a neighborhood watch. He is joined by a few flowers of the cliche character garden: Bob (Vince Vaughn-Wedding Crasher, Dodgeball, Mr. and Mrs. Smith), a suburbanite dad with a high school mentality and a 16 year old daughter with whom he fights all the time; Franklin (Jonah Hill-21 Jump Street, Superbad, Moneyball), a sociopathic gun nut who dreams of being a cop; and Jamarcus (Richard Ayoade-mainly the I.T. Crowd and if you haven’t watched it yet go ahead and stop calling yourself a nerd) a recent transplant from the UK who wants to be more involved in the community.
The boys start patrolling and trouble arises between Evan, who wants to find the murderer, and Bob who wants to just treat it like boys night out. A series of oddball incidents lead them to the inevitable conclusion that they are being invaded by aliens and that some of them walk among them in human form.
Honestly, that’s pretty much it. The rest of the film is more or less comedic filler. They find an alien device that is pretty cool. Stuff gets blown up, cliche’s get ground like cayenne pepper, and the low brow humor takes a side trip down Stupid Lane in the last 10 minutes. The end.
The stars. I was honestly laughing, and so was most of the audience. Two stars. I am a fan of pretty much every main character actor in here, especially Richard Avoade. I thought they all delivered a decent performance. One star. A couple of the recurring gags were worth the effort. One star. Overall a fun time watching. Two stars. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. Either the writers have collectively never seen an alien invasion film and really thought they were coming up with something new and cool, or they just didn’t really give a damn. One black hole. Some oddball plot holes and continuity issues, as well as the inevitable alien issue of the aliens being unkillable death warriors at the beginning and then falling over to a Super Soaker at the end. One black hole. Cliche-a-rama, and I’m not just talking about alien invasion cliche’s. One black hole. When the alien weakness is revealed it is so painfully obvious that Seth Rogan and the rest of the writers were stoned when they thought of it I could smell the pot smoke. One black hole for literally dropping face first into the gutter. The special effects seemed to waver back and fourth between decent CGI and rubber suit a go go. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So a final total of two stars. Not the best movie I’ve seen, but at least I didn’t want to drown myself afterward. In fact the last couple months have not been too bad for films. Most of the are at least mediocre. Should you see it? Sure, if you liked Tower Heist and Attack the Block, which is what this movie is the illegitimate offspring of. However, this movie gains nothing for being in a big theater so consider Netflix (in fact, I can pretty much guarantee this film’s viewing success if you have the forethought to arrange for alcohol and/or wacky tobaccy before watching it). Date movie? Meh. Not a lot really going on to get her excited, if you know what I mean. Too nerdy and goofy by half. Bathroom break? Nothing in this film really requires viewing to maintain the story continuity, but if I were to pick a moment I’d say the time Evan’s wife tries to seduce him with candles and a teddy. Not a lot of story happening there.
Thanks for reading, and I apologize for not getting more reviews out there. I have been super busy with Comic Con and now I have to get ready for the huge Star Trek convention I am attending in Las Vegas. On a side note, if you happen to live in Vegas and are or know a cute nerd girl who wants to earn some money working at my booth August 8th-12th (2012) feel free to email me at [email protected] (you can also email me with movie questions or suggestions). If you have comments about this review or movie feel free to post them here, and be sure to follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Ted Movie Review
Pretty damned funny.
As a fan of Family Guy and American Dad I have to say I was expecting to laugh at this movie and was not disappointed. Seth MacFarlane is a comedic genius. However, his genius is definitely more of the idiot savant variety in that he seems incapably of doing anything other than Family Guy and it’s clones, of which this movie is definitely one. While not as completely derivative as American Dad is (pretty much the same show with moderately different characters IMO) the humor in Ted is more or less lifted straight from the writers room for Family Guy.
What does this mean for this movie? Basically if you are a fan of Family Guy you will love this movie, and if you are not you might as well stay home and watch Law and Order reruns. Fortunately I and almost all my friends are fans so we enjoyed it.
There are a few problems I am having with the film however. The first is the same issue I have with any of the Transformers movie: too much humans, not enough robots (or in this case teddy bear). In this movie every scene with Ted in it was hilarious and engrossing, and every scene with just the humans boring and drag-tastic. I thought Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis did a fine job with the roles they were handed, but the comedic focus was so on Ted that in comparison a scene without him was like watching a 2nd grade play performed by the children of complete strangers. The story and dialog outside of Ted was tenuous and flaccid at best, and without his lines and actions pushing the plot there were parts where I was in serious danger of dozing off.
The other issue I had I blame on the marketing team behind this movie. All the best lines and jokes from the movie I had already heard about 20 times in assorted trailers and radio commercials. In fact, if you have seen more than a couple trailers odds are you know exactly the plot, characters, and best jokes.
All that being said, the movie is indeed super funny and entertaining. Mark Wahlberg managed to generate a stronger buddy chemistry with Ted than I have seen from a lot of movies featuring actual human actors. Mila Kunis is shockingly easy to look at and plays the offended girlfriend very well. There were a couple other characters who really only served to push the story along, but they were kind of funny too. The dialog (with Ted involved) is fast, clever, outrageous, offensive, and above all hilarious.
The story. As a boy John (Mark Wahlberg-Boogie Nights, Contraband, the Fighter) wished his teddy bear to life and it actually happened. Fast forward to adulthood and John now has a dead end loser job at a car rental place and Ted sits on his couch smoking pot, drinking alcohol, and regularly consorting with prostitutes. In spite of the fact that he is a class one stoner loser John has the hottest girlfriend in the history of the XX chromosome Lori (Mila Kunis-Black Swan, Friends with Benefits, the voice of Meg on Family Guy. P.S. Mila I love you). They all live together until Lori comes home to find her apartment overrun with prostitutes who have performed a number of unsavory acts on the premises. She drops the ultimatum hammer on John who caves (as any guy should when faced with Mila). They set up Ted with an apartment and a job, where he meets his new girlfriend. Meanwhile Ted is being stalked by a couple of creepy white trash fans (Giovanni Ribisi-Saving Private Ryan, Contraband, Avatar and Aedin Mincks-the Hangover Part II, Faster) who later actually give the plot some points to hang onto.
Honestly, the entire plot serves only as a platform upon which Ted can deliver his offensive, obscene, scatological, sacrilegious, and above all funny lines and actions. It moves along like the sober driver of a party bus while the frat boys in the back drink, fart, laugh, puke, and moon cars out the window.
The stars. Honestly very funny. I mean hurt-your-stomach-laughing funny. Two stars. The dialog and jokes were all extremely clever and well written. Two stars. Excellent dialog. One star. The CGI for Ted was pretty flawless. One star. I’m going to give Mark Wahlberg extra props for his ability to act without an actual character to interact with. The fight scene was particularly good (and funny). One star. 
If I had to spend the rest of my life locked in a chair with my eyes clamped open a Clockwork Orange style and had to look at one face forever, I would choose Mila Kunis. One star. (Alex image courtesy of the Movie T Shirts category) I will give acting props to both Mark and Mila for their interaction and dialog with Ted. Excellent chemistry, although their Ted-less scenes were less than riveting. One star. Somehow, in spite of the fact that all the jokes and humor came from the “rated R just to be rated R” school that I have railed against in movies like the Change Up, I found the humor to be really well done. I guess fart and excrement humor can be funny if it it done right. One star. Total: 10 stars.
The black holes. Scenes without Ted really kind of sucked. Like having to eat boiled spinach in between bites of delicious pasta. One black hole. Pacing was inconsistent. Sometimes the story dragged, other times it accelerated to warp speed. One black hole. The entirety of the plot was nothing more than a framework for Ted to deliver one liners. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of seven stars, and my hearty endorsement of seeing this film. I think you will enjoy it a lot. It is nice to finally come across a movie I can say go see after the never ending deluge of mediocrity that has been the last few months of movies. Date movie? God no. Unless you are in a committed relationship and have already seen her naked on three or more different occasions this movie will c-block you like having her ex boyfriend turn out to be the waiter at dinner. See it with your drinking buddies. Bathroom break? That’s easy. There is a scene where John and Lori go to dinner and discuss their feelings and what to do about Ted that is 100% worthless. Nothing is revealed that will in any way contribute to your enjoyment of the movie.
Thanks for reading. This movie was fun. I’m seeing the Amazing Spider Man later today and will probably write it up tonight. I would have seen it this last weekend but was busy getting pissed off at a Warhammer tournament. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have any comments on this film or review feel free to post them here. If you have any off topic questions or comments email me at [email protected]. Have a great day.
Dave
Rock of Ages Review
Conclusive proof that karaoke can only be enjoyed while drunk off your ass.
I saw this train wreck last night and truly regretted it. This is another movie that is going to suffer deeply for my personal bias and dislike of the 80’s and hair bands. Sorry about that, and if you are a fan of the most culturally bleak decade of American history maybe take this review with a grain of salt.
1987 holds a special place in my heart. You see, that was the year I escaped the most desolate, horrible four years of my life, high school. However, that was basically a few days of feeling good as compared to 10 years of big hair hell. I can honestly say I am a fan of a lot of 80’s music. However, this movie seemed to specifically target exactly the music and bands I hated with a thermonuclear passion back then, and time has not softened my perception. Ballad bands like Journey, Guns n’ Roses, Foreigner, Pat Benatar, Jefferson Starship, Night Ranger, Quarterflash, Europe, and Poison were to me the musical equivalent of the packing Styrofoam your stereo came in, and that was when it was done competently by the actual artists. When it’s done by some auto tune actor with a soulless studio band backing him or her up it just gets painful.
This movie seems to have a misconception as to what hard core rock and roll really is. The main “plot point” of this film has to do with a local Tipper Gore type protesting against the evils of rock music. 
However, having her protest against the evils of Night Ranger is like the local church group protesting the art theater for showing Gone with the Wind with the word “damn” not edited out. It just has no gravitas (Gone with the Wind image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). Also, having everyone in the movie talk about how hard core “rock n’ roll” they are only to break into an REO Speedwagon song is truly laughable.
This movie is like a birthday cake designed by a five year old. About 1/4 of an inch of actual cake topped with 5 inches of frosting. In this case the cake is the plot and the frosting all the musical numbers. Every bit of this film screams “self indulgent tripe”. The director Adam Shankman (Hairspray, a Walk to Remember, Bedtime Stories) obviously wishes he were directing music videos and therefore finds every tenuously flimsy excuse to stick another song and/or dance number in, usually as a mashup and usually about as pleasant as dropping a bowling ball into your lap. It’s literally like watching karaoke; well produced karaoke, but karaoke nevertheless.
Somehow, in spite of the move literally being 60% or more musical numbers, the plot seems weighty and ploddish. The run time is 123 minutes and you feel every one of them. The story is trite and cliche, the acting for the most part is stiff and dry, and the visuals make you wish you were watching autopsy videos. The movie seems to be a celebration of bad casting: Tom Cruise does not feel like a stoner rock god (sorry but every time I saw him I couldn’t help but think “There goes Jerry MacGuire with long hair), Catherine Zeta Jones does not feel like an uptight church lady, Alec Baldwin does not feel like a burned out creepy rock guy, and the two kids to not feel like human beings, much less rock and rollers. The only characters that felt right for their roles were Russell Brand as the sleazy British guy and Paul Giamatti as the sleazy agent, but that was more happy coincidence based on the fact that they both seem naturally sleazy in their own way.
All that being said, in spite of the poor casting a number of the stars actually do a really good job with the rolls they have all been handed. Tom Cruise inhabits his role as Stacey Jaxx and gives it a steller but one dimensional performance. Alec Baldwin does as well as he can with his club owner role. I am not a fan of Russell Brand (his natural greasiness, both physical and personality, feels a lot like the kind of toe jam you get after stepping in an open sewer and then walking for a few miles. Don’t ask me how I know about that) but he is well cast and he and Alec Baldwin have the best timing, chemistry, and repartee of the film. They certainly have more chemistry than the two straight love interest couples. However, I think the few good performances in the film are more a reflection of the talent of the individual performers rather than any inspiration lent to them by a qualified director.
I secretly don’t even want to go into the story. It centers around the world famous Whiskey a Go Go-sorry, the Bourbon Room-on the Fabulous Sunset Strip (incidentally, in my youth I have spent many a lost weekend at the Whiskey. I will say the movie more or less got the atmosphere of the club right, but the demographic of the bands and audience wrong. Think X more than White Snake) and the people who work and perform there. A young girl (Julianne Hough-Footloose, Burlesque) travels to Hollywood from Oklahoma to be a star. She gets mugged but then meets a pretty boy bar back from the Bourbon Room (Diego Boneta-90210, Pretty Little Liars, Mean Girls 2) who gets her a job there. Meanwhile the club is failing miserably unless the owner (Alec Baldwin-30 Rock, the Hunt for Red October, Words with Friends on a Plane) and manager (Russell Brand-Arthur, Get Him to the Greek, Forgetting Sarah Marshall) can get some money together. They have a big gig with the famous Stacey Jaxx (Tom Cruise-Minority Report, Top Gun, Mission Impossible) that should help with their issues. Jaxx is being interviewed by a hot Rolling Stone reporter (Malin Akerman-the Watchmen(Silk Specter 2), the Proposal, the Heartbreak Kid) whom he seduces in one of the stupider PG-13 sex scenes I have seen. Meanwhile the two kids fall in love, the guy starts his music career, and Paul Giamatti (Saving Private Ryan, the Illusionist, Cinderella Man) plays everyone’s sleazy agent.
The stars. Tom Cruise and a few others were entertaining, if extremely one dimensional. One star. There was some tongue-in-cheek humor poking fun at the now defunct music industry (at this point it’s about as relevant as making jokes about Prohibition laws, but whatever) that was decently funny. One star. There wasn’t a girl in this movie who wasn’t super young and hot. One star. I thought the Russell Brand/Alec Baldwin interaction was actually really good, and wouldn’t mind seeing them in a buddy film. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Oh god the never ending musical numbers. It was like being trapped in the elevator to Hell. Two black holes. The story was stunted and underdeveloped yet at the same time weighty and domineering. I still don’t know how they did that. It was like swallowing the worlds largest plantain whole. Two black holes. With the exception of Tom Cruize and a few others I mentioned, a lot of the acting was mediocre. One black hole. A movie about rock n’ roll that features PG-13 sex, no drugs, and actually very little in the way of rock n’ roll. Whitesnake =/= hard core rock. One black hole. The pacing dragged on so long this movie should be visible from space. One black hole. The use of cover music, mediocre dance routines, and minimal story elements linking them together made this film feel like I was watching 123 minutes of Scion and tampon commercials. One black hole. While I know the choices of music used in this film is subjective and others out there might actually have an appreciation of Quarterflash, I would like to point out that two of the songs they chose (We Built This City and the Final Countdown) were voted as the #1 and 2 worst songs of the 80’s in a readers poll in Rolling Stone. Two black holes. There was a mashup at the end featuring Russel Brand and Catherine Zeta-Jones that I am going to give a bonus black hole to for being particularly excruciating. One black hole. A strip club without nudity (PG-13 a go go). One black hole. Total: 12 black holes.
A grand total of 8 black holes. About as bad as I expected, although I honestly expected to hate Tom Cruise’s character a lot more. It was surprising. Is there anything in here worth seeing? Maybe, if you are a huge Glee fan and want to see a worse version of it. Or perhaps you think the one thing missing from your life is a Twisted Sister/Jefferson Starship mashup. If you think you should go because you are a Cruise or Baldwin fan save yourself the pain. You will actually lose respect for your favorite actor if you see this. Date movie? Perhaps for the right girl, but honestly the girl that enjoys this probably has a collection of human skins in the tool shed out back. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, and if you are like me after the first 10 minutes you will be almost overwhelmed by the desire to relieve yourself all over the theater floor or perhaps the film projector, but if I had to isolate a particularly worthless moment I would say any of the scenes involving the mayor of Los Angeles (sorry Bryan Cranston. I love you in Breaking Bad but this film is not your ticket out of television).
Another long review. Thanks for reading. Please, if you haven’t by the time you get to the end here go back to the top of this review and vote for my business for the grant. I really appreciate it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment about this movie or review feel free to leave it here. Any off topic comments or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. More movies coming soon. I might even bite the bullet (as it passes into my brainpan) and see That’s My Boy. Talk to you soon.
Dave
