Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 14: interpreting photos
Yes, I am back on the dating stuff. Last night at movie night we watched Unstoppable, which I have both seen and already wrote a review for (also I cut out early to grab some hot chocolate with the the girl I am currently seeing. Keep your priorities in order, my friends) and really don’t have a lot else to talk about. I will continue with my guide to interpreting the different types of photos you see on online dating posts.
Boudoir photo. This is something only women and the occasional gay guy post, and since my focus is on women I will leave the male ones alone. If a woman posts a soft focus photo of herself wearing lingerie on a bed then either she is a sex worker/spam farmer or just really out of shape. If the first you can expect to get all kinds of interesting email from Nigerian princes, hair restoring products, and Viagra alternatives. Either that or she will turn out to be a desperately single super model from the former USSR who needs money to come to America. Occasionally an actual woman will post this, but it usually is the case that if the photo is lit right and out of focus enough (i.e. smear enough petroleum jelly on the lens) the most out of shape mutant on the planet can end up looking like the hottest woman alive. In both cases I’d say stay away.
Bridesmaid/Groomsman photo. This person is sending a strong message, and that message is “I’m sick of seeing all my friends get married and want a husband/wife now!” You had best show up for the first date with an engagement ring and a blood test. If this fits your goal then go for it, although I have found you can expect a certain amount of bitterness from your date. Also these people really want kids usually, so you can save a fortune in condoms.
Picture with mom. If a woman posts this she is trying to show you how wholesome she is. Odds are she will be a pretty good girlfriend and likely a really good cook, but if you are a fan of the occasional freaky sex thing you will be disappointed. If a guy posts this you can count on having to pass his mom’s test to date him. He is very likely a strong mamas boy and you can look forward to experiencing every bad mother-in-law story you have ever heard.
Picture with dad. If a guy posts this he is probably really into sports and is trying to show you how manly he is. Probably a decent boyfriend but could also turn out to have any number of massive deep seated issues that won’t crop up until you have been married for 10 years. You are literally rolling the dice. If a woman posts this you can expect to have a number of creepy “What are your intentions with my daughter” conversations as well as feeling eyes burning holes in the back of your head at your wedding and at any number of future family events. If the dad has money you can also enjoy having everything nice you buy for your girlfriend/wife outdone by her rich daddy (buy her a car, he buys her a better car). On the other hand, if you keep your receipts this can turn into quite the groovy money making scam.
That’s it for today. More of the same tomorrow, although I think I am coming up on the end of my list of stereotyped photographs.
Yesterday’s question, Mario versus Link, seemed like a no brainer to me. I thought Mario would easily smash Link with his hammer from Donkey Kong. However, the girl I am dating now pointed out that the hammer actually counts as a power up and I said no power ups (can you see why I like her?). That being the case, Link packs a ton of weapons as part of his normal day to day and I have to go with him winning. (Mario image from the Super Mario t shirt section)
For today we’ll go with some classic movie stuff: who would win, Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China versus Buckaroo Banzai from Buckaroo Banzai across the 8th Dimension?
