Top 10 Most Depressing Nerd Moments
So I saw One Day the other night and, to be honest, am still kind of depressed about it. Director Lone Scherfig has made my permanent watch list and I intend to be brutally honest with all her future projects until I get payback for the blatant and hamhanded manipulation of my emotions. Go back to Denmark.
Anyway, it got me thinking about other movies that have depressed me over the years. I kind of expanded to include comic books too, since the line between comics and movies is getting blurrier every year. Here is the list I came up with. Feel free to disagree with me and let me know what I missed.
10. The death of Borimir, the Fellowship of the Ring. I know he wasn’t a main character and traveled towards the dark side as the movie progressed, but he really redeemed himself in the last bit of the film and died a tragic, noble death. He also had a nice bit of personality and charm when we wasn’t stalking Frodo, so I was sad to see him die (even though I knew it was coming).
9. The death of of Superman. OK, I have my issues with Superman (haw!). However, he has always been a huge part of nerd culture and when DC wrote in his death at the hands of Doomsday it was a striking moment. I do have a pristine copy of his death in the original poly sleeve, as well as an open copy I read a lot. Of course, the problem with this death and most of the other comic book deaths I am going to list is you know there is no such thing as an actual permanent death and that the hero will return shortly, albeit often with a different alter ego. Death in comics is more of a time out. However, if you are the type who can immerse him or herself into a story and not let such things affect the mood (I am that way) you can really feel the punch when something terrible happens.
8. E.T. the Extraterrestial dying. Ok, I was young, but this one hurt. Gentle visitor from another planet shows up. His ride gets chased off by big guys with flashlights, and he gets hounded to death literally by scary government types after bonding with a kid about my age.
7. Leaving Las Vegas. I know. Not really a nerd moment. Still, pretty damned depressing.
6. Joker killing Robin. This one sucked, and it was one death that stuck. It wasn’t even a clean, pleasant death. Joker beat him with a crowbar and then blew him up. The saddest part for me is they left his fate a cliffhanger and let the fans vote. The slight majority of the fans voted thumbs down. (Joker image courtesy of the DC comic book t shirt category)
5. Bane breaking the Bat. While Batman had experience minor defeats and setbacks in the past, never had he been outright defeated. This moment was less about the physical damage done to Bruce Wayne and more about the destroying of Batman’s spirit (and, to be honest, ours).
4. Death of Gandalf. Yes, I knew ahead of time he came back thanks to having read the books about 100 times, but even so the scene of him falling off the bridge is pretty tear jerking. I had a friend who was listening to the books on tape and when Gandalf died he pulled his car over and called me asking if it was true. I did not spoil it for him.
3. The death of Captain America. Wow did this suck. Captain America, champion and symbol of all that is good and noble about the USA, branded a traitor and dying to an assassins bullet. Tony Stark, rot in hell.
2. Roy Batty’s death at the end of Blade Runner. Sure, he was sort of the bad guy, but such an engaging character with a massive thirst for life. All the replicants were cool and in their own way more tolerable than most of the humans. Rutger Hauer made the movie more than Harrison Ford in my opinion, and when he saved Deckards life as a last noble gesture before dying it really hit me.
1. The death of Spock in the Wrath of Khan. I will argue this to my grave as the saddest moment in nerd culture history, and am not ashamed to admit I cried like a little girl first time I saw it. In fact, I tear up every time I see it or even think about it. It wasn’t just the end of Spock (in a noble, tragic, and painful death scene) but the end of an era of adventure throughout space that gave me focus when I was getting my ass kicked in grade school for being a nerd. All that seemed good and logical in the universe was summed up in one character for me and with his death the world seemed just a little more stale. Yes, I know he came back and they threw a spoiler into the movie to make us think it was coming, but if you read my Star Trek movie retrospectives (I need to finish those, now that I think about it) you know I feel the movies shifted gears from the cool action characters we knew to a bunch of old men kind of bumbling across the universe.
You know, doing this list has actually helped me a lot with the one One Day depression. I actually got choked up talking about a couple of these, and it put things into perspective for me. I should have started a blot 20 years ago. Would have saved me a fortune in therapy.
New movies coming out this weekend, and I think I will pick up the Star Trek movie thread again. I have just been dreading doing Generations. I have a show to do this weekend but will try to get something done. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Thanks
Some thoughts on origin movies.
So I did Captain America last week, and gave it a good review. I stand by that, as it was a decent movie with a good story. Generally enjoyable. However, I was talking to a friend of mine last night about it and he raised a couple points that got me thinking about the problems with origin movies in general.
Really, it all boils down to the fact that origin stories are really cool, but very few directors seem comfortable letting the origin run the entirety of the movie. In other words, about halfway through the movie they have introduced the superhero, told where he came from, explained his powers, and gotten his costume organized when suddenly the thought occurs to them “Oh, crap. What are we doing to do to fill the last half of the movie?”
This is not every movie. Thor more or less ignored the whole origin question entirely and just jumped into the action. X Men First Class let the origin story travel through the entirely of the film with great results. This was probably motivated by the fact that they had a dozen different characters to work with, but the net result was very pleasing. However, when I think back to Captain America I realize that the part of the film I really enjoyed was the first half. Once Steve Rogers got his team together and starting fighting as Captain America it kind of started to grind along.
I have been thinking about how to avoid this problem. Wolverine Origins labored under this (and about 10 tons of other crap). Even Batman Begins kind of had this going on. Green Lantern ground it face first into the ground, with a massive villain pulled out of their ass with all the active malice of a natural disaster, like a tornado. Even Iron Man kind of lagged after the suit was built. Episodes I-III was nothing but a six hour origin story that only focused on Darth Vader.
So what is the solution? Upon reflection I realized that the movies that do the origin story well (Spiderman, X Men, Kick Ass, Unbreakable, Hellboy, etc) all have one thing in common: they didn’t make the origin of a single hero the only thrust of the story. In Spiderman, while we are watching Peter Parker figure out his new powers, we keep cutting back to Norman Osborne transforming into the Green Goblin. X Men First Class had a dozen different characters developing. Kick Ass was mostly about Kick Ass, but at the same time you see Hit Girl and Big Daddy doing their thing. Unbreakable was more about Samuel Jackson’s character than that Bruce Willis, and that made the double origin story really cool. In each case the really good origin movies presents the origin of their hero, but don’t make it the entirety of the script. In other words, when they reach that halfway point and the story is in danger of lagging they have other elements to fall back on.
(Xavier Institute image courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
I don’t know if anyone from the movie industry reads this. In fact, I doubt it sincerely. However, I think that if by some weird coincidence one of my three readers is somehow involved in film production, or perhaps one day will end up working in film, try to remember what I just said. I really think it’s worthwhile.
Movie Review: The Zookeeper
Maybe there is a reason animals can’t really talk.
Check this out on my YouTube video review.
Before I start ripping into this execrable film, can I state that I for one am sick of Kevin James? I can see him as possibly funny in stand up, but his film presence has just gotten overused and unpleasant. He seems to always play the same role he pioneered in King of Queens: fat loser who through the machinations of fate has somehow managed to land one or more stunningly hot women. I am not sure what dimension this is a viable possibility in, but for those of us who remain firmly ensconced in this reality it is actually a really annoying insult. I don’t consider myself fat or a loser and I can’t pull that kind of action on my best day. I’m stuck in the Bizarro world version where I get rejected constantly by the hot girls and seem to end up with the female Kevin James’s of the world. Unfortunately, he seems patently unqualified for any other type of role (could you really see him as a villain of in a serious role?) so it looks like we will be inundated in future moronic rom-coms like this (mor-rom-coms?)
Which brings us to the Zookeeper. Kevin James stars as a fat loser who works as a zookeeper and, for some ungodly reason, dates the stunning Leslie Bibb. Her character, Stephanie, is in all regards a one dimensional, self centered, shallow bitch who rejects the most awkward marriage proposal of all time simply because he works as a zookeeper. Apparently his lack of fitness or financial status are not really a concern. Anyway, she crushes him in a manner so cruel that it is likely banned by Geneva convention. Fast forward five years and he is now the lead zookeeper who works with the even more stunning Rosario Dawson, who is an “eagle enclosure expert” (does that seem a little specific to you? How many jobs are there for such a person) with a heart of gold. SPOILER ALERT: in a plot “twist” so cookie cutter I could smell ginger she turns out to be the girl he should have been into the whole time and ends the movie with. I normally would hesitate to give away something that crucial to the story, but within the first 30 seconds of her being on the screen I said” Yep, she’s the one he’ll end up with.”
By the way, I would like to point out that I am totally into Rosario Dawson. She is super hot and can actually act. What she can’t do is find a movie script that doesn’t suck. Before doing the Zookeeper, she has starred in any amount of crud. Her best movie to date (IMO) would have to be Unstoppable. She was in Death Proof, but as much as a fan of grind house theater as I am I can’t really see it as a vehicle (haw) for advancing your acting career. Percy Jackson sucked, as did Sin City, Clerks II, the Adventures of Pluto Nash, Josie and the Pussycats, Kill Shot, Eagle Eye, and Seven Pounds. When she was younger she did Kids, which is a good movie in the “looking for something to watch while killing yourself” category, but other than that she needs to find a new agent. (Josie and the Pussycats image courtesy of the comic book t shirt category)
Anyway, the guy states that he should leave working for the zoo in order to get a job that better appeals to the most shallow woman on the planet. We also start getting subjected to some truly painful and hard to watch physical comedy. At that point we find out that the animals can not only understand everything the humans are saying, but can speak perfect English too when they want to. They decide they need to help Kevin ‘mate” with Stephanie and end up giving him dopey advice with dialog so cliche and hackneyed that it made me wish that the animals only speak in barks and roars, as well as the humans in this flick.
So, romantic animal hijinks ensues. Kevin James urinates into a potted plant at a fancy restaurant to “mark his territory” and doesn’t get arrested. He more or less ruins his brother’s wedding and physically assaults the bride. He ends up toe to toe with another ex boyfriend of Stephanie, played horribly by Joe Rogan. I’ve seen Joe do some funny stuff, but the combination of his stiff delivery and the flaccid, depthless character he was handed made every scene with him in it feel like waiting on line at the DMV. Kevin’s character does a Peter-Parker-in-Spiderman-3 transformation into a suave, sophisticated urbanite who sells exotic cars to the thousands of millionaire who reside in his city. Stephanie plays the shallow, cultureless girlfriend to the hilt. Somehow Ken Jeong managed to land a roll as the creepy reptile guy. Is he going to have a bit part in every movie? Eventually Kevin discovers he really loves Rosario Dawson but apparently forgets how to use a cell phone as the only way to intercept her on the way to her new job in Nairobi (no joke. I guess they need an eagle cage there too) is a “hilarious” chase sequence in a stolen van.
Ok, the stars. The animation for the animals was as good as you are likely to see. One star. There were a few funny moments. One star. Rosario Dawson was looking hot throughout the movie, and when she dressed up super hot. One star. While the animal dialog sucked, there were a couple voices that made me laugh (Adam Sandler and Sylvester Stallone, for the most part). One star. For the extremely brief amount of time he was on screen, Ken Jeong managed to amuse me and more or less stole every scene he was in. Also he had a really cool car. One star. There was one scene where Kevin takes a gorilla out to TGI Fridays that was actually fun to watch, mainly because it was Kevin James cutting loose with a guy in a gorilla suit. One star. Total: six stars.
Now, like a tiger who has taken down an antelope and is ready to dig into the succulent entrails, I move to the black holes. The animal dialog was as bad as human language can get. Two black holes. Painful to watch physical humor. One black hole. For some reason, the director of photography seemed to feel that Kevin James’s moon face was the most appealing thing in the movie and thus we are subjected to a lot of it. Also, at one point we see him naked in a bathtub. One black hole. I’d like to give a black hole for every awkward moment that seemed to drag on forever (starting with the opening one), but will hold myself back. Two black holes. There was a completely irrelevant tangent that added nothing to the movie about Kevin’s character interacting with the high fashion world. One black hole. What extremely little character development the film had was extremely predictable. One black hole. In fact, the whole movie was excruciatingly predictable. One black hole. While pretty much all the animals except the gorilla annoyed me (there’s something you don’t say every day), the interaction between the two bears seemed to actually cause me physical pain. One black hole. Implied and described animal cruelty. One black hole. Joe Rogan bringing whatever momentum the film had to a screeching halt. One black hole. And two more black holes for just not being as much fun as it should have been. Total: fourteen black holes.
So a total of eight black holes, a fairly miserable score but not as bad as the score I gave Green Lantern. I can hear some of you asking if I might be being a little unfair to this film, critiquing it as an adult when it could possible just be a kids film. Well, honestly that is one of the issues here. This movie is a romantic comedy with talking animals. It can’t really decide if it is going to be a kids film or an adult film. Some of the dialog is too sophisticated and adult themed for kids, but some of it is just too dumb for grown ups. It sits right in the middle, which means it will inevitably be relegated to the mediocrity archive of all time. I’m actually curious as to where video shops (assuming any still exist) end up placing it. Honestly, don’t waste your time with this dog, unless you are one of those rare individuals who are enraptured by a Geico commercial.
I did experience something weird while watching this. For the first time since I started these reviews I found myself wondering if I am really qualified to do them. I am very rarely plagued by self doubt, but while I was praying for a film break or merciful death most of the audience was laughing their asses off. I worried that maybe I am too out of touch with the general movie going audience, but I thought about it a lot on the way home and came to the conclusion that this is an example of cultural Darwinism. If, for example, I were to open a retail shop that specialized in left handed scissors and the like, than I would not be surprised to find that most of my customers were left handed. Likewise, if Hollywood sets out to create a film designed to appeal to the true idiots of our society, than I should not be surprised if I sit in a theater full of idiots. I have found that when I go to the movies on $5 night the bar seems to be lowered considerably. Odds are this movie will make a disappointingly large amount of money, leading us inevitably to the next bad rom-com staring Kevin James with yet another super hot girl.
The Science and Stupidity of Kryptonite
So a few weeks ago I saw the most recent Superman movie again. Something has been always bothering me about Superman and Kryptonite, and earlier today while sitting in traffic on the Bay Bridge it suddenly occurred to me what it was. For this explanation we will have to turn to true friend of all nerds, science.
(Superman image courtesy of the Superman t shirt category)
Here’s the deal. I will buy that Jor-el was a super scientist who could make a space ship capable to traveling to earth in a matter of a few hours (any more than that might have resulted in a bad case of SIDS). However, if the planet Krypton blew itself up, how long would it really have taken for chunks of the planet to arrive on Earth? If we assume Krypton was close to us (and not on the other side of the galaxy) then at best it’s 4.5 light years minimum distance. Now, an explosion that propels an object is essentially a bullet. The fastest rifle bullets travel at about 4,000 feet per second. If we boost that up (assuming Krypton REALLY blew up) to about 5,280 feet per second, that’s about a mile a second (I never said I was going to make this science part hard on me).
So a mile a second (which is extremely generous) will essentially mean that it would take a chunk of Krypton 5,865,696,000,000 seconds to cover one light year. A little basic arithmetic tells me that it would take a meteorite of Kryptonite 837,000 years to reach Earth. Why, then, does the local museum have a chunk of it lying around for Lex Luthor to steal? For that matter pieces of it are falling out of the sky all the time in the comics. I’m sure some kind of argument could be made for a relativistic shift in time for Superman’s ship, but that would just make things worse. If his ship were slowing down it time it could only be because he were traveling at close to the speed of light, which would still have had him arriving here in a few short years.
Now let’s consider the geometry. I did some research and discovered that in order for a sizable meteor to arrive on the planet earth it has start out about basketball sized. In order to make things easier for me, I am going to assume a 1 foot ball. Now, assume Krypton were broken up into nothing but 1 foot squares (and none of it were broken up into marble sized of just vaporised outright). If Krypton were about earth sized it would have a radius of 3,963 miles, or 209,246,440 feet. Using the volume of a sphere equation, V=4/3(pi)(r)cubed, we get 3.86762×10(25)th power. That’s a lot of basketballs. However, if we take a volume of space with a radius of 4.5 light years, we get an area of space encompasing 8.4537×10(38)th power. That’s one basketball of Kryptonite per 2.18578×10(13)th power. At our largest point we are 94.5 million miles from the sun. That means we occupy a disk of space that is 4.70614×10(12)th power. In other words, in our little volume or space there should be exactly on chunk of Krypton big enough to land on Earth and, assuming it doesn’t get caught by Saturn or any of the other outer planets, there is only about a 1/10 chance of it landing on us.
Now that’s not entirely fair, as everyone knows that the basketballs would not be distributed evenly throughout the universe. They would keep traveling. So instead of volume, lets consider the explosion of Krypton the instigator of an expanding sphere of planetary debris. I think the best way to think of this would be as 1 foot chunks of Kryptons surface expanding outwards. Now the area of a sphere is determined by A-4(pi)r(squared). Again assuming Krypton about the same as planet Earth means the surface is comprised of at most 5.50206×10(15)th power basketballs. If they all blew up strait ahead (and assuming the debris underneath it more or less followed in a strait line from the center of the explosion) by the time the debris reach earth the area of the sphere would be 4.32363×10(26)th power square miles. That’s one basketball per 7.8219×10(10)th power. Assuming the eliptical plane of the planet rotation is exactly perpendicular to the expanding debris, our planet occupies a ring of about 5.9565×10(8)th power. That’s even worse than going by volume. And again, this is all based just on the area of space we are likely to occupy, not the fact that our planet is actually pretty tiny on an astronomical scale.
So you can see how dumb it is that Kryptonite be just lying around for any petty criminal or evil scientific super genius to find and fashion into a weapon. Sorry if I spoiled the magic for you, but I have always been more of a Batman guy myself.
Movie Review: Green Lantern, or why is my green so blue?
I guess this is the week of dashed over hyped expectations. It started Wednesday with my purchase of my first Apple computer, a brand new iMac. Having listened to all my friends gush about how all Apple products are I was more or less inclined to believe that this iMac would not only handle my computer needs, but would cure cancer, end world hunger, and turn my tap water into wine. The thing I did not expect was to spend almost four hours on the phone with tech support trying to get all my peripherals running. The learning curve on the new UI is less a curve and more a vertical wall that needs to be scaled by hand while defenders at the top drop rocks and boiling oil on my head. I am sure in the course of a month or two I will become brainwashed like all my friends, but at the moment I feel like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
I am being unfair. Already I have gotten more used to it, but my typical curse of causing things more technological than a microwave try to find all the weirdest problems possible (how is it I have the one HP printer out of the literally thousands that Apple supports that they don’t? What are really the odds of that?) manifest themselves. Also, I just had a guy at the Apple store inform me that the absolutely-different-from-the-control-key Command key is actually the mysterious free alt-tab Microsoft key. I wish someone had told me that four days ago. If you are wondering why I just don’t use the keyboard that came with the iMac it is because I have large hands and need adult sized keys, not Smurf (or just skinny hipster kid) sized covered with Chiclets.
So the next big over hyped disappointment was, of course, Green Lantern. Was it bad? Not really, but on many levels actually yes. Was it worth all the hype and marketing? No. It is, like almost all DC comic book movies, painfully lacking in many regards while having a few cool elements. I am sure you could really enjoy it, especially if you are dumb, stoned, or 12 years old. However, I think I am going to have to start looking at how much marketing the studios throw at the advertizing as a sign of how much they feel they need to work in order to get people into the theater. X-Men First Class had hardly any and ruled. (Ferris Aircraft image from the new Green Lantern t-shirt category).
Anyway, the movie, without any spoilers that you wouldn’t pick up from the trailers. I think it safe to assume most of you have read a couple GL comics too. Hal Jordan is a test pilot working for Ferris Aircraft along with his super hot fellow test pilot (Blake Lively, who apparently was in the Gossip Girl). Hal is played by the remarkably inappropriate Ryan Reynolds, and he has an on screen romance with Ms. Lively that throughout the movie seemed forced, awkward, unnecessary, distracting, and lacking in all forms of chemistry. Sorry Martin Campbell. Just putting two hot people on screen together does not make for onscreen magic. The chemistry wasn’t as bad at that in Water for Elephants, but it was on par.
Anyway, the alien Green Lantern gets mortally wounded in a criminally short action sequence (a pattern that would unfortunately repeat itself throughout the movie) and travels to Earth to have the ring pick out his replacement, which is of course Hal Jordan. Hal gets the ring, another dorky guy who actually was in his own way cooler than the entire rest of the cast gets infected with yellow power and becomes a minor super villain, green action ensues, and the movie ends feeling about 20 minutes short.
I am going to do something a little different with this, in that I want to expound upon a few of my black holes in detail here and then list them later. I have some serious issues with a lot of stuff and feel the need to get into it more specifically. First of all, this entire movie felt like the third in a series, not the first. You know, the episode where the studio has made a ton of money on the first couple and now is just grinding them out by the numbers in order to milk the fans for as much money as we can stand to part with? The one where the director feels the need to shove as much CGI and as many villains in as possible in order to make up for the fact that he doesn’t really have a story? The episode where he feels comfortable leaving all forms of character development or exposition out because all that back story nonsense was covered in the first one? That episode? This is that one. I understand the studios see franchises as the real way to make money, but is the need so overpowering that you feel you can just jump into a franchise mid stream and still make your dough off the unwashed masses?
Secondly, the movie felt really 20-30 minutes short. All the action scenes ended before you really got into them. If you have read the real GL story you know he spent a long time in training, and developed a mutual respect and friendship with Sinestro before returning to the field. Here he spends about two minutes getting his ass kicked while Sinestro is nothing more than a dick to him. Also, a felonious amount of screen time is wasted on his so called romance with Blake Lively and a bunch of other crap I could care less about.
Finally, Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern. The guy is a romantic comedy actor. Sure he pulled off looking good in the suit (although I think he is a little too weedy for it) but if I recall Hal was a responsible, dedicated military officer, not a smirking, irresponsible reprobate. Also, is it written into every movie contract Ryan Reynolds has that his character has to be seen as the guy who sleeps with every hot woman character withing a 50 mile radius? Hooking up with local sluts made sense in Van Wilder, but does he have to play the same character in every single movie? I lay blame for this firmly in the director’s lap. Had Campbell taken two minutes to explain to Ryan that he really shouldn’t smirk at the camera in every scene we might have gotten a much more tolerable performance.
By the way, I will give a star or two for really good special effects and CGI, but the days of those things carrying a movie are gone. CGI is so easy and accessible that we really need to get into a good story and acting. I honestly don’t find it interesting. In fact, good special effects now is the norm and is only really noticeable it it’s absence.
Anyway, the stars. Comic book movie. One star. Generally good special effects. Two stars. Blake Lively looking hot. One star. Sinestro was cool and well acted. One star. Hector Hammond was cool. One star. Tim Robbins as Senator Hammond. One star. Ummm. That’s pretty much it. Seven stars (and I forced one. The special effect weren’t really worth two stars).
Now the black holes. Really, really bad direction. Two black holes. The movie felt short. One black hole. Too much completely pointless Hal Jordan as a social misfit (including but not limited to his romance and a dumb ass birthday party for his 11 year old nephew that included an even dumber reckless driving sequence to show what a wild man Hal was, not to mention a “heartwarming” scene between Hal and his nephew. In fact, I was going to give this point one black hole but now that I have written in up I am again incensed and will ramp it up to two. ). Two black holes. Not enough of the other alien Lanterns, or of the planet Oa. They are cool looking aliens. Why can’t we see them? One black hole. Ryan Reynolds. One black hole. Every action sequence was painfully short, and the final epic fight felt less like a conclusion and more like the movie makers were running out of film and wanted to wrap it up. One black hole. The whole I-was-a-normal-human-but-now-have-super-powers-let-me-show-you scene is cool as exposition once (unless, of course, we had just seen a whole training sequence detailing all the powers) but there is no reason to shove it down our throat twice, especially when one of the two people is a minor character who’s only function was to pick up Hal at the beach and give him a ride home. One black hole. For every cool alien Green Lantern I wanted to meet or see more of they managed to find a minor human character to introduce and have vanish like excrement flushed down a toilet. Is it absolutely necessary that we be introduced to Hal’s two brothers, his sister -in-law, and his nephew for four painful minutes before they disappear, never to be seen again? How about some more of Kiliwog, or Sinestro, or Bzzd, or Galius Zed? One black hole. The Guardians literally looked like Pez dispensers. One black hole. While the special effects were generally good, there were a couple scenes where I was looking for wires. I think they forced some of the perspectives in order to make it look good for 3D and since I saw it in 2D (or, in many other ways, 1D) they looked really stupid. One black hole. A complete lack of arc for Hal Jordan. One minute he is Van Wilder and can’t make a green powered back scratcher, and the next he is captain responsible and creating miniguns. Overall the pacing was horrible. One black hole. Some other major holes in the plot. One black hole. The writers took the actual Green Lantern story, murdered it, and then spent 105 minutes desecrating it’s corpse. One black hole. They forcefully crowbared in the lead in for the sequel. One black hole. And finally, one black hole for making a sequel movie to a franchise that hasn’t even started yet. Total: 17 black holes.
In the irksome-but-not-black-hole-worthy category I only have one, and that is it is established early on that the universe literally has millions of sentient species. How is it every alien is not only 100% aware of humans, but knows enough about them to be surprised that the ring would pick a race so young? Minor but kind of irritating.
So a miserable final score of 10 black holes. I didn’t start writing this planning to dump all over it, but I stand by my scoring. Ultimately completely forgettable in all aspects, at least as soon as the next movie that relies on special effects over writing and direction comes along. If you are the type that is easily distracted by string or shiny objects by all means go see it. It is fun and entertaining, and when you get bored you can play with your laser pointer. If you find being pandered and catered to on lowest levels offensive and actually want a movie that will evoke an emotional or intellectual response, go see X-Men First Class for a second time.
One of the many reasons why Batman is the greatest super hero of all time
The cool thing about saying something like that is, unlike most declarative statements in the nerd world, there are very few who can argue against you and those who do usually end up sounding like complete morons. Say something like “Kirk was the better captain” or “George Lucas is a sellout whore” and, in a group of three nerds, at least one will take issue with your statement. However, I have yet to have a true comic fan argue vehemently that Batman is not the greatest (or at least the one of the greatest) superheroes of all time (and if I did, honestly I think all I would hear is clicks and whistles).
So what is it that makes him so cool? Is it the costume? Yes. Is it the car? Yes. Is it the fact that he goes toe to toe with thugs who could kill him at any minute without the use of esoteric outer space minerals (cough cough Kryptonite cough cough)? Yes. All these and may other reasons make up that tapestry of coolness that is the Dark Knight. However, there is one reason that stands out in my mind more than others and that is because Bruce Wayne’s life absolutely sucks so much.
“Wait a minute!” I can here your feeble, movie fan based brain saying. “Bruce Wayne is a billionaire. He has houses, boats, cars, and is head of a major corporation. He dates super models and, when not wearing the cowl, is the life of the party.” This may appear to be true, but something you can only get if you read the comics (or perhaps watch some of the cartoons, such as Mask of the Phantasm) is that it is all a sham. Sure, it is part of his facade in the movies as well but when you watch them Christian Bale can’t seem to transmit the idea that secretly Bruce Wayne hates the fake lifestyle and considers it a massive waste of time. In the movie it seems like he is partying it up and in his free time is fighting crime (kind of like the Green Hornet).
Bruce Wayne has a miserable life. He is constantly tortured by the death of his parents. He also blames himself whenever one of his rogues gallery kills someone before he could capture him, especially the Joker (Joker image courtesy of the Batman t shirt category). Bruce sleeps like two hour a night and goes out night after night, in spite of the many injuries he suffers on a regular basis. He has no chance of any kind of real personal relationship with a woman, and never gets a break or a chance to rest.
Why does that qualify him a cool? Humans love tragedy. All the best stories involve tragic protagonists (Darth Vader from the original Star Wars trilogy, Sam Lowry from Brazil, Peter Parker from Spiderman, Mad Max, Dr. Morbius from Forbidden Planet, Harvey Dent (Two Face), Edward Norton’s nameless character in Fight Club, Testsuo Shima from Akira, the list goes on). Sure, a decent story could be told about a happy character, but those stories, while entertaining, are quickly forgotten. The stories that stick with you for years after you have seen them involve pain and suffering, not upbeat characters and happy endings.
By the way, anyone who tries to tell me that Superman started in tragedy because his planet blew up before he developed the mental capacity to remember it should go back to reading Richie Rich cartoons. The man grew up in Norman Rockwell picture perfect small town America with the Kents. Give me a break. Also, anyone who tries to cite Anakin Skywalker as a tragic character can go into the laundry room and drink whatever liquids may be located in the cabinets there.
I think that’s why the Joel Schumacher (burn in hell, jackass) Batman movies felt like such a betrayal of the franchise to me. It wasn’t just the Batnipples, the painfully crowbaring of so many villains into one film, the 46 continuity and editing mistakes in Batman and Robin, the bad writhing, the bad acting, the “diamond powered” freeze suit, or the obvious ploy to make a two hour long toy commercial. It was the fact that they portrayed a Bruce Wayne that was kind of light hearted and enjoyed his work as Batman. There is no part of his life that he enjoys. The only scene that had even a trace of tragedy was when Mr. Freeze was locked up and carved an ice statue of his frozen wife to keep him company. That was the most tragic scene in either of the movies and, consequently, it is the one that stick out in my mind the most (the entire rest of both films blurs together like a sewage smoothie in a blender). No wonder it is considered the worst blockbuster of all time.
Anyway, that’s pretty much it for my love of tragic characters and the bromance I feel with Bruce Wayne. If you disagree feel free to respond and I will happily ridicule your shortcomings physical, mental, and emotional.
I am going to see Pirates of the Caribbean at 4:20pm today (bong time, for you stoners out there) and write a review for it tomorrow. I expect it to be a product of the fail school of filmmaking, so I should be able to write some funny stuff. They based the story on one of my all time favorite books, On Stranger Tides by Tim Powers, so unless it is truly brilliant I will probably come to the blogging process full of betrayed bile. Talk to you soon.
Movie review: Thor
So last night I got a suggestion from a friend of mine for a movie that could potentially really suck, Dylan Dog, about a zombie private eye or something. It was playing 20 miles away but during the drive my girlfriend (for lack of a better term) texted me saying she got free of work early and wanted to go see Thor. Since the only reason I didn’t see it opening night was because she wanted to see it with me, I grabbed the chance like a life preserver and headed off.
The movie was, of course, great. However, I think I fell victim of the trap of having everyone I know or read about gush about how awesome it was and really elevated my expectations. Then, when I showed up with my bitter and cynical critical eye I see faults. Nevertheless, great movie.
I’m not going to get into the story too much on this, as pretty much everyone who reads this most likely will see it or have already seen it. Thor, the God of Thunder (or some kind of super advanced alien. They seemed to imply both. Thor image courtesy of the Marvel Comic t shirt category) gets into trouble with his dad and gets cast down to earth, where he gets to deal with being a mortal. Absolutely no “stranger in a strange land” local color happens, much to my surprise. I’m willing to bet a lot of it ended up on the cutting room floor. Norse battle hijinx ensue. Natalie Portman shows up as some kind of ill defined scientist (is she an astronomer, meteorologist, theoretical physicist, or astrophysicist?) as the love interest. Things get blown up. Guys get beat up. Overall very cool and exciting.
By the way, I’d like to add that, in spite of his limited time on screen I thought the coolest character in the movie was Heimdall. Fan boys looking for a great costume to make for Comic Con won’t go wrong here, especially if you are African American.
First the stars. The movie was in general awesome. Two stars. Natalie Portman. One star (two if she had done another thong shot like in Your Highness). Anthony Hopkins. One star. The casting in was extremely good overall. Both Loki and Thor were really done well. One star. The CGI and special effects were godlike in their greatness, and didn’t suffer from the obvious restrictions of being stuck in a small blue screen studio (suck it, George Lucas). Two stars. The acting was all great. Two stars. Comic book movie. One star. No annoying comic relief characters. One star. Thor, as the protagonist, actually shows some character development. One star. The destroyer was freaking awesome. One star. There was a moment that honestly got an emotional reaction out of my cold, dead heart (you’ll know it when you see the movie). One star. Spoiler at the end of the credits. One star. Total: fifteen stars.
Now the black holes. I had a really hard time understanding Loki’s motivations. He seemed to drift from one thing to the next, and even at the end I was not sure what his ultimate goal really was. One black hole. Natalie Portman as the super hot scientist who can’t find a man really didn’t ring true. One black hole. Thor and Natalie seem to fall completely in love and are willing to dedicate eternity to each other after knowing each other for about 12 hours. One black hole. The pacing of the film seemed really rushed. They had everything happen in like one day when it seemed like it should have gone a couple months (and would have eliminated that whole super fast romance issue too). One black hole. The spoiler at the end of the film after the credits made no sense whatsoever, nor did it imply any other movies except perhaps Thor II. One black hole. They took a pretty liberal hand with modifying the Thor back story from the comic book, and tried to imply that all his godlike powers were the result of some kind of super science rather than actual divinity. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
Thus we come to a total of nine stars, an awesome score. I highly recommend you all see this, in IMAX if possible. This movie will work for comic book fans (assuming they don’t get all uptight about the back story) and laymen alike. Great visuals, great story, all around a fun time. The only thing I can say is, while I enjoyed the hell out of it, I am not really gung ho to see it a second time, which is what I would normally do for a movie of this ilk. I think I need to ponder my motivation for that.
I will try to see Dylan Dog this week with the question “How bad could it be” foremost in my mind. I think tomorrow I am going to talk about my new favorite movie reviewer (aside from me, of course). Check it out.
Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 1
So I was preparing myself to watch Hop last night (any by preparing I mean punching myself in the stomach repeatedly to build up a tolerance for the incoming pain) and at the last minute decided my last few weeks have been difficult enough, despite my desire to see something Bat-nipple bad in order to write a funny review. However, I took a look at a couple of the recent reviews I did for decent movies and decided they were not without literary merit. I looked online for the Grand Lake Cinema, which is closer to me and tends to show artsier movies. The only problem is they don’t have $5 movies twice a week. Low and behold, Limitless, a movie I had intended to see a few weeks ago but missed, was playing at 7. I had about 10 minutes to get there so I rushed out and made it with about 30 seconds to spare only to find there is apparently another Grand Lake Cinema in Colorado that apparently shows up higher on Google results. Ironically, Hop was playing at 7, so it seems fate is pushing me to see that animated Easter pile of dung (I did read a few other reviews before making that statement, and now stand by it. From what I have seen when do get around to watching it there appears to be plenty of writing fodder).
However, as I have been know to say upon occasion, fate is a fickle bitch, and I for one refuse to kowtow to her every whimsy. I turned around, went home, and did my laundry. Of course, that leaves me with the burning question of what do write about today, but I think I have gotten into a lazy habit of using the film reviews as an excuse to think less, so I will got back to my old friend, nerd dating.
The idea of dates that involve physical activity of some kind I touched on briefly earlier, but think it rates expansion. The fact is a large number of nerds (myself included, unfortunately) approach physical activity with the same relish as they would a sewage sandwich liberally smeared with Branston’s Pickle and mucus. However, in addition to the massive medical and body image improvements that can be gleaned from doing something active, it also makes for an awesome date.
In general, women like doing physical stuff. More importantly, even if they don’t they want the guy they date to be into it. If your first three dates are all along the lines of dinner and a movie they will probably come to the (correct) assumption that you are a couch potato, and therefore from a primitive biological evolutionary standpoint less likely to kill a moose in order to provide for them and their offspring, thus ensuring that their DNA is successfully passed on to the next generation. Also, if you are wondering if there are any other reasons to get more fit, never forget the impeding zombie apocalypse. It is coming.
Not only do women like doing physical stuff, but in many cases it is quite the aphrodisiac. If you spend an afternoon playing tennis with her and she gets really turned on by it, guess what is the closest thing to a man in her line of sight?
So what are some good physical dates that are fun, inexpensive, and won’t leave you sucking oxygen 500 yards behind your potential date? Here are a few.
Bicycling-running is right out, as most of you can’t go more than a block or so without passing out or injuring a knee (by the way, there aren’t a lot of turn offs stronger than getting hurt and hauled off in an ambulance doing an activity considered normal by humans, like running). Bicycling is pretty easy, however, and fun if you can do it in a casual manner. Make absolutely sure your date doesn’t do Triathlons or even know when the Tour de France runs, or you will look like a loser as she laps you for the 8th time. Best would be if she doesn’t even have a bike and you can rent one for her. As an aside (sorry if any of you find this observation sexist, but I am a straight male) having a girl ride a bike in front of you can do a lot to enhance the scenery, if you know what I mean.
Hiking-I have never met a girl who didn’t claim to like hiking, even if they secretly hate it. I think when women hit puberty they all receive a gift package of a training bra, assorted feminine products of a suspiciously vague nature (odds are I happier not knowing what they are, but if there were ever a worldwide conspiracy by women to enslave men (and who’s to say there isn’t? Or that it hasn’t already happened and we never noticed?) they could easily smuggle weapons and secret documents in packages marked with the word “freshness”), male guilt projectors (possibly located in the bosom), and a liking of hiking. It is physical, close to nature, and usually has good scenery. Also, it is the two of you alone in the woods, which can lead to other physical activities. Finally, while it is a great chance to talk, if you feel the strain of maintaining a conversation has gotten burdensome it is perfectly acceptable to hike in silence, thus enhancing the grandeur of nature or something.
Also, earlier I said getting carted off in an ambulance doing something normal like running is a huge turn off. However, getting hurt while doing something unusual like hiking is often a huge turn on. Twisting an ankle, getting bit by a rattlesnake, or being mauled while protecting your girl from a mountain lion will elicit so much sympathy sex you won’t know what hit you, assuming you survive. Crafting a makeshift crutch out of a tree branch and limping out will greatly enhance this. On the other hand, poison ivy, chiggers, or ticks are just gross and will get you nothing, so be careful.
I think that’s it for today. Tomorrow I’ll talk about some other stuff you can do that fits in this category in more detail.
I think I am ready to answer the Aquaman versus Wonder Twins question. Honestly, I kind of hope they manage to kill each other off, leaving only Gleep standing among their corpses, but I think I will have to give it to the Wonder Twins. I think Jan would fail miserably, as any sea animal she turned into Aquaman could probably command, but if Jayce just turned into water and then used it to strangle Aquaman I don’t think he could do anything about it. Kind of a weirdly complicated question. (Aquaman image courtesy of the DC comic t shirts)
For today I pull a topical question: who would win, the Punisher verses Fidel Castro?
Movie review: Arthur
I seem to be cursed. See, the thing is I have been writing more and more of these reviews, mainly because they are fun to do and force me to get out of the office and see more movies. Also, until I get inspired I think I have milked the dating advice cow dry and don’t want to force it. Anyway, I am enjoying writing these but have noticed that I seem to write better, longer, funnier reviews when I think the movie sucks. So last night (cheap movie night) I realized that I more or less liked the last two movies and had written pretty dry reviews. I saw Source Code on Monday and kind of liked it (as long as I could suspend my understanding of quantum physics as it relates to the human brain) and was going to write it up, but it seemed destined to be less than scintillating. So yesterday, when I was trying to decide what to see, I looked for the movie most likely to suck.
Ironically, my two best choices both starred Russel Brand and also both looked like they could put a diabetic into a permanent coma. Hop is a super cute Oedipal kiddie movie about the son of the Easter Bunny and Arthur is the story of a degenerate, privileged alcoholic British fop who is fabulously wealthy. I opted for Arthur as I have a natural inclination to like and be more forgiving of cartoons. That’s where I ran into my curse as, during the course of the movie, I found myself actually enjoying it.
This is weird. Arthur has all the elements of a movie I should hate with the burning passion of 10,000 suns. I despise movies of the super rich living fabulous lives. Ostentatious displays of wealth and privilege really annoy me, especially with the economy being what it is. I come from a long line of alcoholics so the constant drunken shenanigans that Arthur is constantly getting into should only bug me. Seeing pretty boys like Russel Brand score with women bugs me. I love an English accent on a woman but on a guy it is vaguely annoying, at least if I have to listen to it for more than an hour (sorry to all my British friends). The main love interest is blond, and I definitely prefer brunettes. But as the movie progressed, as much as I was looking to hate it, I found myself having a fairly fun movie going experience.
Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t great, or even especially good. It holds no candle to the original Arthur, or any other great movie out there. It does have it’s issues, which I will discuss (exploit) for my blogs benefit shortly. However, it was fun to watch and I found myself laughing out loud multiple times. Also, I did a little research into Russel Brand and found out that he is hated by Twilight fans, which brings him up several notches in my book. Twilight sucks.
Anyway, the movie. Russel Brand stars as Arthur, the over privileged billionaire heir of some ill defined multinational charity (?) or something. He drinks constantly, has sex with anything missing a Y chromosome, and generally bumbles through life with the help of his nanny Hobson and his chauffeur Bitterman (who, for some reason, has an English name while he is obviously Hispanic in both appearance and accent. He is played by Puerto Rican Luis Guzman). His domineering mother, who has all the maternal instincts of Freddy Kruegar, has decided he is going to have to marry the younger, bitchier version of herself or be cut off from his riches. Meanwhile, Arthur meets Naomi, who somehow has an illegal tour guide business (??? Apparently tourists in New York City are so desperate for tours, what with the great tour guide shortage and corresponding tour price increases, that they are willing to go to back alley tour sellers) who he falls in love with. Amusing drunken hijinx ensue. Arthur learns important life lessons while appearing to learn nothing. All the usual, predictable stuff happens.
That’s more or less it. Let’s get into the stars. First of all, the movie is pretty funny. One star. Some of the dialogue is especially funny. One star. Super hot Jennifer Garner plays the bitchy fiance, and at one point runs around in a corset and not much else. One star. Hobson, the nanny, played by Helen Mirren, is really a cool character. One star. Naomi, the love interest, manages to act in an intelligent and mature manner, perhaps in contrast to Arthur’s childlike stupidity. One star. The whole movie, for some undefinable reason, was kind of fun to watch. One star. Total, six stars.
Now the black holes. The whole movie is a whitewashed PC remake of a great movie (in the original movie, Arthur meets his love interest while she is shoplifting, not running a tour business without a license. Don’t they know that shop lifting is cool again? Just look at Lindsay Lohan). One black hole. As cool as the new, female Hobson is, the original male Hobson (played by the great John Gielgud) was far better. “I’ll alert the media, sir.” One black hole. The whole story is depressingly predictable, even for someone who had not seen the original. One black hole. While enjoyable, the entire movie really lacks any kind of real substance. It’s like watching an episode of Friends. You have fun watching it, but once it’s done you realized your life is in no way improved by the experience. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Total: two stars. Not really great, or even good, but OK. This movie has no amazing cinematography that requires being seen on a big screen, so really if I were you I would wait until you can stream it off NetFlix. That being said, once it’s up you won’t regret watching it, especially if you can do it with a girl.
Tomorrow I will complete my review of Source Code, another depressingly good movie. Why is it I can’t find a crappy movie lately? Four months ago it was a struggle to find a movie that couldn’t be used as an emetic substitute.
I need to get back to the who-would-win questions. Last one I posted was who would win, Superman versus Galactus. I want to believe Galactus would win out, as if he is capable of eating entire planets he should be able to eat Krypton and Superman as well. On the other hand, he did go down when faced with six zombie superheros in Marvel Zombies, so I guess Superman could probably beat him (Superman image courtesy of the comic book t shirts).
For today I propose a question that seems simple until you think about it for a while. Who would win, Aquaman versus the Wonder Twins?
Nerd Dating: the fine art of eye contact
So I am at a loss for a series to do right now. I will just do single posts about things that I think will help, along with stuff I find interesting. Today I will talk about eye contact.
Eyes are the windows of the soul, and if you cannot make and maintain eye contact people will never feel like they know you. There is a reason “shifty eyed” is a phrase that means untrustworthy. If you are trying to connect with someone, you have to make eye contact. By the way, this habit will not only serve you well in dating but in all aspects of life, especially work.
This has always been a challenge for me, as I am constantly distracted by any kind of movement and often find myself staring at someone’s mouth as they speak. However, if you are by nature kind of introverted than it is likely you spend a lot of time looking at the ground, or the cat, or over someone’s shoulder. Of course, if you are kind of a moron you are staring at the girl’s breasts, which will make you look like a neanderthal. Getting in the habit of looking into her eyes will help keep you from making this error.
If you aren’t in the habit, start off staring into your own eyes in the mirror. Do it while brushing your teeth or whatever. Also, putting a mirror near where you like to make phone calls can be great practice of talking while looking into eyes. Practice makes perfect. If you have another friend with the same problem try doing staring contests with each other. Dumb, but every bit helps. Also, try playing poker. Something about it naturally makes you want to look into each other’s eyes.
However, remember that when you are talking to a girl it isn’t a staring contest. You need to give her a break once in a while. Odds are she will look away at some point, which is a good chance to blink and so on. If you are trying to get the waiters attention look away. Honestly, don’t act unnaturally. Just whenever you are talking to her try to be looking in her eyes.
That’s it. Short but sweet, as I have a ton of work to do tonight. I’ve kind of lost track of 
my who would win thing so I will start over with who would win; Joker versus Lex Luthor? (Joker image courtesy of the Batman T-Shirts category)
