The Lone Ranger Movie Review
I kind of wish I had been wearing a (sleep) mask while in the theater.
This film was clearly crafted in the Frankenstein mode: if they just stick enough body parts into it eventually lightning will strike and the monster will rise from the slab and terrify the local villagers (I mean excite the audience. Frankenstein image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category). This approach was clearly and unabashedly lifted from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Unfortunately what works for pirates apparently fails to work for Old West outlaws, especially when working with a character no one cares about at a time when cowboys just aren’t really that popular (go back in time to 2001 IMO).
This film tanked horribly at the box office and I’m not surprised. I think it fair to say I see a lot of films and with very, very few exceptions manage to stay awake for the duration of all of them good or bad. In this one however I was struggling to keep my eyes open. The worst part is after the third or fourth time I caught myself nodding off I realized I probably could take a 20 minute nap and not miss much (of course I would never do that. I have my “professional” pride to consider). This showing wasn’t even that late for me.
I think this movie is a good example of Disney really believing they can force out a new movie franchise if they just push hard enough. I’m glad to see it has failed in the past (cough cough John Carter cough cough) and seems to be continuing to do so. Don’t try to tell me what to like. I will say that I have seen the trailers for this about 1,000,000 times and if you go by the rule that the more the studios market a film the more likely it is to suck than it was inevitable that this movie be awful.
If grinding movie progression were an Olympic event this film would win gold, silver, and bronze by beating it’s competition to death at the finish line with a lacrosse racket. It goes a whopping 149 minutes (that’s 2 hours and 29 minutes) that feels like six hours. Each scene was padded and paced in order to be as long and agonizing as possible, with tons of long, panning shots of nothing interesting, guys riding horses, inane flashbacks, and character development that couldn’t be more predictable or boring each scene had been delivered via semaphore a day after you watch it. The Frankensteinian nature of this film comes from about 14 completely unnecessary subplots, about 800 leftist social commentary messages, and a plot that meanders back and forth to no real purpose.
The real failure of this film (in my less than humble opinion) is the lack of a clear, appealing villain. The obvious villain is outlaw Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner-Black Hawk Down, the Dark Knight, Contact) but his is so cartoonishly evil that you can’t take him seriously. If you have to make your villain a cannibal to paint him as even more evil you just might be trying too hard. About halfway through the movie (you know, at the three hour mark) the villain stops being Butch and somehow turns out to be a railroad guy (and by extension the evils of the industrialization of America). This shifting of villains can work well in a well written, complicated story but in a simplistic action movie (you know, kind of like Pirates of the Caribbean) use the K.I.S.S. principal: Keep It Simple, Stupid.
At this point in one of my reviews that bears closer resemblance to clubbing a baby seal than offering constructive criticism I find a couple of redeeming qualities in a film if only to assuage my own guilt, so here goes. I thought Johnny Depp did his usual stand out character portrayal (on the other hand if I were a Native American actor I might have issues with this film). It is hard to not like him in almost any role. Armie Hammer did as well as could be expected with his role. Unfortunately the writers painted him into a really bland, formulaic corner.
The story. The whole thing starts out in 1933 at a fair. A dopey kid is checking out a Wild West exhibit wearing a Lone Ranger costume and comes to what appears to be a stuffed Native American. The guy turns out to be an ancient Tonto (Johnny Depp-Edward Scissorhands, Benny and June, Sweeney Todd). This ham handed plot device leads to Tonto telling the kid the story of the Lone Ranger (Princess Bride style. This film does not hesitate to rip off movies other than Pirates). John Reid (Armie Hammer-Mirror Mirror, the Social Network, J. Edgar) is traveling back to his home town in Texas to become a Federal prosecutor. On the train is villain Butch Cavendish, headed to the same town to be hung. In the same prisoner car with Butch is Tonto, being transported for some reason(?).
Butch managed to find a gun hidden on the train car and is rescued by a gang of outlaws (if you like stereotype soup you are in for a treat). John gets caught up in the escape and ends up surviving the crash with Tonto. He heads out with his brother (James Badge Dale-Iron Man 3, the Departed, World War Z) and the posse to recapture Butch. They get ambushed and all killed. Tonto shows up to bury them all but a magical white horse compels him to resurrect John (or maybe the horse did it, or the magical spirits. This film suffers from a paucity of details). He wakes up and Tonto convinces him to wear a mask for no real reason.
Honestly, this is about when I started to doze off and a lot of the actual plot details might be missing (you aren’t going to suffer for the lack of them). Since each of these little plot devices is akin to a boring mini movie unto itself I will just spout out the ones I remember fire hose style. The head railroad guy has a creepy attraction to John’s brother’s wife and kid. The wife secretly has always loved John. Butch is actually working for the railroad guy. The railroad guy wants to transport tons of silver that he stole from the Native Americans and use the money to buy out control of the railroad. Butch was hired by the railroad guy to attack small settlements in order to get the US Army to attack them and negate some land treaty. Tonto thinks Butch is some kind of evil spirit that is causing nature to unbalance, manifesting in the form of jack rabbits that are turning into viscous carnivores who specialize in eating scorpions (no joke). The Native Americans attack the army and are slaughtered to the man. Butch turns out to be the railroad guy’s brother (Tom Wilkinson-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Batman Begins, Shakespeare in Love). Johns horse is magical and may or may not be able to fly. The kid and mom get kidnapped by the railroad guy or something. Tonto is suffering from PTSD from some childhood thing. The railroad guy gains control of the railroad at gunpoint. Large amounts of explosives are apparently stored at the bank and Tonto and the Lone Ranger need to rob it or something.
See what I mean about Frankenstein?
The stars.
Johnny Depp was as good as you would expect. One star. Armie Hammer was decent too. One star. Hmm. Is that it, really? I guess so. Two stars.
The black holes.
The pacing on this movie was slow and painful, like being dissolved in a vat of acid. Two black holes. No good villain to give this film some focus. One black hole. So chock full of sub plots and social commentary you have a hard time seeing the actual story. Two black holes. A bonus black hole for the killer rabbit sub plot that was introduced and then blatantly ignored. One black hole. The action was comically stupid. One black hole. There was nothing in the movie to make me care even a little. The only character worth anything was Tonto and we see him alive and well fifty years later at the start of the movie. The plot had no hook. One black hole. Throw in a hot chick somewhere. I am a fan of Helen Bonham Carter but she does not incite my libido, especially when her character has a prosthetic leg. One black hole. Another attempt by Disney to force feed us a franchise. One black hole. The ending was a gigantic trite sandwich served with a side of trite potato salad. One black hole. The entire main plot was a long deus ex machina party where the only music was an old REO Speedwagon CD. One black hole. Total: twelve black holes.
So a grand total of ten black holes and based upon the box office sales I’m not alone in my assessment. Perhaps it is not as horrible as that but it has been a while since I saw something that really sucked and I guess I felt the need to tear something apart. Also since Disney is not hurting for cash I don’t have to feel bad about dumping on someone’s livelyhood. Worth seeing at all? Not really, unless you are having trouble sleeping. If you like Johnny Depp see Benny and June. If you are at all like me you will be bored in the theater. Bathroom break? The one nice thing about a movie made up of dozens of stupid sub plots is you can break any of them off and not really hurt the film much, so take your pick. If I had to choose one scene I’d say the railroad board meeting. It’s in the last 1/3rd of the film and by that point you will need to relieve yourself.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment on this film or my review here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Lords of Salem Movie Review
Ever wonder what a 101 minute Cradle of Filth video would look like?
This is the worst kind of film for me to review. Not because it is bad. 
Handing me a bad film to review is like handing Jason Voorhees a half dozen college students on a spring break camping trip (Crystal Lake shirt from the Horror Movie T Shirt category). Two hours later and I am cleaning blood off my machete with a warm, satisfied feeling in my stomach. No, this film is tough for me to review because I am actually a fan of Rob Zombie.
It’s true. I like his music, and some of his films are amazing. House of 1000 Corpses and the Devil’s Rejects are horror classics. It’s to the point that as I arrived in the theater I already had the first two glowing paragraphs of this review written out in my head once this film turned out to be amazing (or even adequate).
Time makes fools of us all however, and in this case the amount of time is 101 minutes. I spent most of that time waiting for anything to happen. Ever take a long road trip and find yourself running low on gas? Ever do that and hit one of those weird stretches of highway where they don’t apparently believe in gas stations (hello West Texas) and as you approach each exit you desperately hope that you will see a Unocal or Mobil sign? Your desperation and eagerness increases with each passed exit until finally you end the movie parked at the side of the road on a desolate two lane highway with nothing but coyotes for company.
So it was for this film. Rob can definitely build atmosphere, and when it comes to horror foreplay he is a master. The problem is every time the build up reached the point where something, anything interesting had to happen it would stop with a screeching jump cut, leaving the audience with the equivalent of movie viewer blue balls. Even in the few scenes where something happens inevitably end up being dreams or hallucinations of some kind. I would like to say that having the main character wake up in a cold sweat after a vividly horrible dream is a cool movie tool to help establish otherwise intangible plot points. However, it should not be used to cover 1/3rd of the scenes. It became so standard during the course of this film that in the final scene where something actually was happening I kept waiting for the main character to wake up yet again.
This is why the film felt more like a Satanic rock video than a film. It is chock full of creepy Satanic images and hallucinations from deep in Charles Manson’s subconscious but lacking in anything really scary or disturbing. The whole thing felt like Rob Zombie messing around on his home editing system, putting together a video of some anti-Christian footage that his friends might enjoy while half drunk but not really for public consumption. Very self indulgent, and given that he cast his wife as the main character and a bunch of his friends as supporting characters I’d say that is an apt description. The whole time I was watching I felt the same burning desire for a fast forward button that I felt while watching Terence Malicks Tree of Life. I know Rob intended this film to be a tribute to the Shining but he more closely parallels Malicks film style, only without the Christian overtones.
The story, I guess. Sheri Moon Zombie (the Devil’s Rejects, House of 1000 Corpses, Grindhouse) plays Heidi Hawthorne, part of a three man late night DJ team that looks like Rob learned a lot from his interviews on the Howard Stern Show (I actually listened to his last appearance on that show and he pretty much says that is where the inspiration came from). She and her fellow DJs Whitey (Jeff Daniel Phillips-Faster, Hide, Unknown) and Herman (Ken Foree-Dawn of the Dead, the Devil’s Rejects, Water for Elephants) interview Francis Mathias (Bruce Davison-X-Men, Harry and the Hendersons, Short Cuts) the author of a book on the Salem Witch Trials. That night Heidi has a record delivered to her in a wooden box that screams Necronomicon from a band called the Lords. She plays it and begins to hallucinate about witches. The next night she plays it on the air and a bunch of women in the town of Salem are more or less possessed.
At that point things kind of mosey down the road with not much happening. Every ten minutes another amazing scene is set up and seems to be leading to something that could be considered a plot point or pivotal moment, but just as you think something is about to happen Heidi wakes up. A lot of Satanic and anti-Christian messages and images are use. The witches burned (for the record, no witches were burned in Salem. They were all hung. I’m not saying that makes us any more civil than Europe. I’m just a stickler for historical accuracy) are trying to come back and want Heidi to be their vessel from which Lucifer (or something) will be born. Heidi’s landlady and her creepy sisters (Dee Wallace-E.T. the Extraterrestrial, the Howling, Critters Patrical Quinn-the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Shock Treatment, The Meaning of Life Judy Gleeson-Gilmore Girls, Spanish Fly, the Duke) are working together to make this happen and at one point beat Francois to death with a frying pan (closest thing to exciting as this film gets, honestly). Religious images are shown over and over again and laughable Satanic verse is spoken in a voice that makes monster truck announcers sound serious.
The stars:
If you have an axe to grind against Christianity and love Satan then this is the movie for you. You can’t say Rob Zombie doesn’t deliver a message. One star. He does create good atmospheres. One star. His wife is pretty damned hot in the scenes where she isn’t looking like a strung out drug user. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes:
No real horror to speak of, nothing scary, and nothing happens. One black hole. The story is about as solid as a soggy corn flake and more or less serves to connect Rob’s images together. One black hole. The course of the entire film is like a beach ball with a BB hole in it, leaking air and finally ending with a vague fart sound and a quiet settling. One black hole. At no point in the film to you get an idea of what the evil plan is or even who the villain is. No antagonist to speak of, and when the plan is finally unveiled you still don’t know what the hell is going on or why you should care. One black hole. I don’t think playing a subdued character is Sheri Moon Zombie’s forte. Furthermore I felt no interest in her character or any kind of connection whatsoever other than she was hot (or any of the other characters for that matter). One black hole. Given the number of times I have bitched about rater R movies that avoid nudity this is weird for me to say, but there is a lot of nudity in this film but with very few exceptions (Sheri being all of them) you will truly regret having seen them. Some things watched can’t be unwatched. One black hole. It’s honestly hard to take Satanic rhetoric seriously. They have all the issues that Christian rhetoric has except that it just sounds silly (if you have ever listened to an Anton Levey interview you know what I mean). I mean, worshiping Satan means you actually believe in the Christian pantheon but are going to go with the guy who will burn you in everlasting fire. One black hole. It’s rare that I have to say this since I usually find something to entertain myself with but as I left the theater I really felt like I had wasted my time. Two black holes. Total: nine black holes.
So a grand total of six black holes. To be honest I was more than generous in my stars and reticent in my black holes. If I weren’t a Zombie fan I would have probably unloaded my black hole shotgun into this movies face and the closest thing to a star I could have found would have been that it was filmed in English. Sorry dude. I honestly hope your next film recaptures some of the magic of your earlier films, or at least has something happen somewhere in the film. Should you see it? Honestly probably not. If you are a Rob Zombie fan I think you will get more from renting the Devil’s Rejects. If you do go see it load up on Strawberry Mojitos at the Applebees down the street beforehand. This movie will look a lot better if you are plastered. Date movie? If I recommend you don’t go see this film there shouldn’t be any kind of logical process that would lead you to taking a date to it unless you secretly hate all women and see dating as your opportunity to punish them all for not being your mom. Bathroom break? There isn’t a single scene of this film (including the “climax”) that you couldn’t easily miss without losing a thing from your movie experience. Cut out, drop a deuce, smoke a cigarette, run back to Applebees to recharge your alcohol battery, and come back in time for the ending credits. Using your imagination while listening to to the post movie fake newscast might just make for a good time.
I always feel dirty after dumping on a movie by someone I like. Why can’t McG come out with something? Wrecking his movies is not only fun but I feel like I am performing a public service. Sigh. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to comment on this film or my review below. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Evil Dead Review
Groovy.
There is a plague in Hollywood and I’m not just talking about the ugly trend in remaking old movies into crappy new ones. I’m talking about the inclination towards “design by committee” movie making. One person has an idea and starts writing but by the time the director, producer(s), executive producer(s), stars, DOP, score composer, key grip, assorted wannabe movie making PAs, and the catering guy all contribute the actual original vision of a beautiful masterpiece is beaten down into a misshapen but relatively safe (from a financial point of view) movie like lump. If you have ever taught grade school and hung a big piece of butcher paper up for the entire class to do a beautiful mural you know exactly what I am talking about. Inevitably you get some pretty flowers, a rainbow, some horses (or unicorns), a black scrawl, some stick figures shooting other stick figures, something on fire, a swastika, and at least one penis.
(This, by the way, is how Hollywood cowardly hides from blame. If something were designed by committee then no one person is to blame for a flop failure. Of course this means no one gets the total credit for a massive success, but most people don’t have the sack to take that kind of chance. Also the Ash image is courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt.)
The point is this movie is the opposite of design by committee. Granted it was written by Fede Alvarez and produced by the great Sam Raime and Bruce Campbell, but it is clear they all shared a similar vision of what they wanted to do. Blood, guts, and terror. There was no extra message about saving the environment some parent wanted to shove in. The sole survivor was not the introverted nerd that no one liked, nor was it the sexy cheerleader with an inner psyche of hardened steel to show young ladies that they can compete in a mans (horror) world if they just have enough self esteem. There was nothing to distract the audience from the vision of gross gore, agonizing pain, and sphincter clenching fear. If this movie and another person wanted to tell you that they hated you the person would send a strongly worded email or possibly a burning bag of dog poo on your doorstep while this film would call in a tactical nuclear strike. No room for misinterpretation.
I suppose I should address the question of whether or not this is a cheesy remake like Footloose or Red Dawn. The fact is the Evil Dead 2 (one of the greatest, most flawless horror movies ever) was not a sequel to the first Evil Dead and was in fact a remake using the same set and actors. If you look at it like that technically this is a remake, but because it actually follows in the Sam Raime tradition and has brought some new ideas and production values I am going to laud this remake rather than pan it (that means I like it to those of you who don’t know what laud or pan mean). Very well done.
The devil is in the details and this movie got the details right. In case you were wondering the Sam Raime Classic (a 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88) did manage to make it into the film, as did the shotgun and of course the Necronomicon. The cabin is still the same: somehow bigger on the inside than the outside, vaguely skull like in appearance, gigantic super creepy basement with locking trap door, and a side cabin filled with every tool possible for potential mayhem. They got rid of the animal heads on the wall and the bridge was replaced by a flooded stream, but watching this film felt in many ways like coming home (read what you will about my childhood from that statement). The only things I found off putting were stuff I wanted to see from the original film (like the fact that the demon camera no longer sounds and moves like a remote control biplane), but honestly this film has more than enough to make up for what is missing.
I’m not going to call this film flawless. There are plot holes and technical errors that in a lesser movie I would have happily used as an excuse to push it down a well. For the record a nail gun needs to be hooked up to a source of compress air in order to fire, and if you think you you can shock someone back to life with a car battery and some loose junk you found in a shed you can go ahead and stop filling out your medical school applications now. The plot is pretty predictable and the surprise twist at the end was pretty much expected. However, I was so enjoying the film that my suspension of disbelief had the power to believe that nails shoot straight like little bullets. Thus we see how a good movie can make up for minor errors.
The story you should all know if you plan to see this movie. A tertiary excuse to go to an old cabin is found (in this case it’s to help a girl (Jane Levy-Suburgatory, Fun Sized, Nobody Walks) get off drugs cold turkey). The girl Mia, her brother David (Shiloh Fernandez-Red Rding Hood, Dead Girl, Red), his hot girlfriend Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore-the Road Home, Burning Man, Legend of the Seeker), his childhood friend Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci-Carriers, Beginners, Horsemen), and his super hot nurse girlfriend Olivia (Jessica Lucas-Cloverfield, She’s the Man, Psych) all settle in for a safe, uneventful weekend of withdrawal symptoms in a creepy cabin in a swamp. In spite of the fact that his family seems to own the cabin David is surprised to find an even creepier basement full of dead cats. They find the Necronomicon and Eric shows how smart he is by deciphering part of it and reading The Passage.
At that part the film is pretty much over except for the blood. We all know how it will go from there, and if you don’t I don’t know why you are reading this. Horrible things happen to beautiful people. Plot gives way for wonderful gore. Stuff referencing the first movie shows up here with good special effects.
The stars.
Duh. Evil Dead movie. Three stars. Amazing gore and camera work. Two stars. A bonus star for the fact that there was no CGI at all in this film. All physical effects, which is a lost art that I appreciate. One star. All the details were right. One star. The three girls were easy on the eyes, although after the first 20 minutes they are all so covered in blood and filth you kind of lose any attraction to them. One star. For the most part most of the characters acted in a manner that didn’t drive me nuts from stupidity (although I might have bugged out when I found all the dead cats, I probably would have laid hold of the shotgun at the first part sign of trouble and not put it down to pee, and I definitely would not have read from the Necronomicon after getting about 100 messages that doing so was a bad idea). One star. There was actually some good chemistry between cast members and the acting was decent. Everyone seemed to know how to act terrified at least. One star. A singular function of purpose that seems lacking in most modern movies. One star. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes.
Sigh. I wish I could skip this part, but I would lose credibility with you, my beloved readers, as well as myself if I didn’t ding this film for the stuff I noticed just because I am a rabid fan. There were definitely some plot holes waving flags and yelling “Look at me! Look at me!”. One black hole. I’m going to give another black hole for the homemade defibrillator. The one girl was a nurse. Was it so hard to imagine she might have a first aid kit with an AED in it? Also defibrillation is only done in conjunction with CPR. One black hole. I watched the Evil Dead panel at Wonder Con and got the real feeling that the cast and director all became friends while filming, but I can’t not give a black hole for a rated R (extreme side of R if you know what I mean) and not have any nudity in it. This is why officers do not become friends with the enlisted men. One black hole. Pacing was good, but I feel a little ripped off for the film only going 91 minutes. Of course the first one was 85 minutes, so take this one as you will. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of seven stars. If you are a fan of horror or the Evil Dead this film is an absolute must see. If not you will literally be horrified by the gore and a lot of the concepts that were established in the earlier movies (tree scene, etc.). As a fan of the Evil Dead I see this as a fitting tribute and am very glad I saw it. Date movie? If she has a love of these films absolutely. If not you will never get a call back from her again. Be sure you know where she stands before taking her to this, and keep in mind that sometimes girls will say they like something just to try to develop a connection with you (in other words, if she doesn’t bring this movie up don’t even suggest it). Bathroom break? No way. Hold it. There aren’t any scenes integral to the plot that you must see (plot is tertiary at best after the first half hour) but there isn’t a blood soaked moment you won’t regret missing. Cross your legs.
Thanks for reading. More to see soon. I saw Admitted and will write it up, but am not really excited to do so. Kind of middle of the road. Follow me on Twitter (please. My numbers are pathetic) @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be left right here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Evil Dead remake?
To suck or not to suck, that is the question.
I have a love of the Evil Dead that stems way back. My favorite is probably Evil Dead 2, but the first one was great as well. Army of Darkness is more comedy than horror (they all are, really), but all of them are great (Ash image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category).
I have long campaigned against the great Remake-ageddon, seeing it as Hollywood throwing off it’s pretense of creating quality entertainment and revealing itself as the money sucking vampire it always secretly was. If this were a studio remake I would have no trouble telling you how I expect it to both suck and blow. However, not only is it being done by Sam Raime but it is owned by both him and Bruce Campbell. They have retained creative control so I have to look at it from the possibility that Sam is creating another campy bad horror masterpiece. One can only hope.
I have also learned that there is no Ash in this remake. At first this seemed like a tragic mistake, but then I remembered that he was much less a critical role in the first movie. Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness were pretty much character studies of Ash (with Kandarian demons), one of the greatest horror action heroes ever, but in the first movie he wasn’t really the lynchpin. Honestly, since there is no real way to recreate him without cloning Bruce Campbell in his 20’s, this could be a great move.
Also, since Evil Dead 2 was pretty much a remake of Evil Dead the precedent for remakes has been long established. For the first time in a long time I am kind of looking forward to a remake, at least to see how it is treated. Don’t get me wrong. It could still be the movie equivalent of dying of explosive diarrhea (let’s not forget that Sam Raime did do Spider-Man 3) and if it is I will relate the experience in excruciating detail. However, the potential to not suck is present.
Dave
Is a Carrie remake really necessary?
So the latest in the Hollywood Remake Death March is Carrie, originally done in 1976 by Brian De Palma and starring Sissy Spacek. It was a great film, and truly a horror classic. As a kid who spent most of high school wishing I had the telekinetic power to destroy my school and everyone in it, this film always spoke to me in brutal, creepy whispers.
So they are going to remake this film and to be honest, I’m not at all sure how I feel about it. On the positive, I am a big Chloe Moretz fan. I think she is incredibly talented for someone so young. She was awesome as Hit Girl in Kick Ass and even cooler as the vampire in Let Me In. I think she will do a great job and rule in this film.
On the other hand, the original movie was based on a high school culture of abuse that kids today really don’t understand. When I was in high school getting bullied meant getting your ass handed to you pretty much on a daily basis, not getting called names on Facebook. I have the feeling this story is going to get beaten about the head and shoulders by the PC cudgel.
Furthermore, the director Kimberly Peirce is best know for the movies Boys Don’t Cry (decent film about a transgendered person) and Stop-Loss (Iraq war sucks), while the screenplay writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa has only done episodes of Glee (TV’s campaign to rid the world of testosterone) and Big Love (Mormon polygamist with three wives). I have scanned both of their IMDB profiles extensively and have yet to find any reference to anything remotely horror. Call me old fashioned, but if I found I had a skin condition I would want to go to a dermatologist, not a taxidermist. Is it really so hard to find people in Hollywood with experience in horror films?
All this implies a strong tendency towards softening this great movie up and making it more palatable for people who aren’t going to bother to see it anyway. This, in addition to the fact that once again Hollywood can’t seem to come up with an original idea to save its life. I hope this movie doesn’t suck, but I won’t be surprised if it does. I can only hope they don’t manage to insert a song and dance number into this.
(Sissy Spacek image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category)
Dave
Pitch Perfect Review
Worthlessly entertaining.
I am, in the parlance of nerd gaming culture, a tread head. In other words, tanks are my favorite thing to play. I have always played better driving a tank than any other type of FPS, and I think in a previous life I must have been a tank crewman. One of the things I love about tanks is they have absolute singularity of purpose. They are designed to kill stuff on the outside while keeping the stuff on the inside safe. You can’t use them to drive the kids to church, plow a field, or tailgate at a football game. In this day and age of multi function devices they are absolutely assured of their one place in the world and nothing will ever budge them from that.
Why, you ask, would I start off a review of a chick flick like Pitch Perfect talking about tanks? Because Pitch Perfect is diametrically opposed to the idea of singular purpose. It almost defies categorization. It is sort of a comedy, sort of a chick flick, sort of a romance film, sort of a Glee rip off, sort of a coming of age film, and sort of a sisterhood story. It has all the focus of a cheap security camera at the bottom of a 50 gallon drum of petroleum jelly, yet in spite of all that is weirdly engaging and entertaining.
I’m actually disappointed in that. I chose this film hoping it would be as bad as all logic and every trailer indicated it would so I could come home and tear into it like a jackal with a freshly killed gazelle. After the run of decent movies I have seen lately I need something to sharpen my teeth on. However, once I got over the testicle shrinking experience of sitting in a theater filled with more estrogen than a Lilith Fair I found to my surprise I was actually laughing at moments, and for some reason really liking the characters. Even the dumb acapella jokes (“Aca-excuse me?!”) had me laughing.
The story itself is as vapid and insubstantial as possible without actually being written by the Kardassians, and after a while the singing will have your ears bleeding if you aren’t yourself an acapella fan, but the characters and jokes are enough to carry it through. Don’t misunderstand me. This is not a great movie. You will not learn or feel anything amazing by the end of this film. It will not touch you emotionally or inspire you to be closer to your loved ones. The best you can hope for is the modest satisfaction of filling another 112 minutes of your individual journey towards oblivion. However, like a popsicle made of Kool-Aid in an ice cube tray with tooth picks, it is better than nothing.
One thing this movie did for me was remind me of why college kids are the preferred target of horror movie monsters and serial killers. 20 minutes into this film and I was ready to go chainsaw shopping. However, another 20 minutes in I had gotten to like a lot of them enough to not want this movie to turn into another Friday the 13th (Creature from the Black Lagoon image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirts).
The other thing to remember going into this film is the entire premise of the film is based around the idea that acapella singing is the end all and be all of everything cool in the universe. Remember a few years ago when there was a movie about a national karaoke contest that had a huge cash payoff? Well, let me tell you this sort of thing does not really ring true. The whole concept felt forced and fake all the way through.
The story is extremely derivative. See if this rings any bells. Young, anti social but heartbreakingly cute girl goes to a new environment where she meets a struggling group striving to win the big award at something and by the end is pulled from her shell in order to give them their best chance at victory. In this case the hot anti social girl is Beca (Anna Kendrick-Scott Pilgrim Versus the World, 50/50, Twilight), a wanna be DJ (number 6 on the top ten loser jobs that sound really cool when you are 18) and the new environment is Barden University, the lamest college in the history of education. It is so lame that all normal forms of college fun-frats and sororities, sports, drugs and alcohol, sex-as well as all scholastic priorities must take a back seat to the coolest activity ever: acapella singing. She (correctly) decides it is lame when the head of the Bellas Audrey (Anna Camp-the Help, Forgetting the Girl, 8 Easy Steps) and her friend Chloe (Brttany Snow-Hairspray, John Tucker Must Die, Prom Night) try to recruit her. She gets convinced to try out when Chloe hears her sing in the shower. We are also introduced to the real comedic force behind this film Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson-Bridesmaids, the Wedge, What to Expect When You are Expecting). She was honestly funny and enjoyable.
The rest of the crew is rounded out with a few oddballs. There is the incredibly soft spoken Asian who is secretly more messed up than any of them (Hana Mae Lee-no other film credits. She had a role on Workaholics), the black lesbian (Nicole Lovince-also first movie role. She was in Worst. Prom. Ever.), the local slut (Shelly Regner-another newcommer.), and a few others. Their big competition is the Treble Makers, the all male acapella champion group lead by self obsessed jerk Bumper (Adam DeVine-Adam from Workaholics). There is a guy who Beca has a thing for (Skylar Astin-Hamlet 2, Talking Woodstock) and some other nerd (Ben Platt-no other roles) who are either on the Treble Makers or dream of it. If you have seen Bring it On and more than a couple episodes of Glee I pity you but you pretty much know the story.
The stars. While the story sucked and the premise blew, I have to say I really got to like all the characters in this film. Great job in casting IMO. One star. Most of the girls were extremely easy on the eyes. One star. There were some honestly funny dialog moments. One star. There were two vomiting scenes that had me laughing my ass off. Something about otherwise well put together and attractive people puking makes me laugh like nothing else. One star. The sub plot with the bitchy roommate I thought well played, as well as the total nerd dude. Very much reminded me of college. One star. Generally stupidly fun. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The story would make my high school AP English teacher kill herself. One black hole. The premise that there are more people who care about acapella singing than the people actually doing it is incredibly lame. One black hole. There was definite musical accompaniment for a lot of the acapella singing, and I have to say if you are not a fan the music grinds on you after a while. One black hole. The entire movie is a mashup of Glee, Bring it On, and Bridemaids with a light dusting of Animal House and West Side Story. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of two stars, which is literally about seven higher than I expected to give this film. This movie was clearly not made for me or anyone with two functioning testicles, so if Glee-ish chick flicks do something for you I don’t think you will be disappointed. However, don’t expect this movie to make you feel at all macho. Date movie? You should never ever suggest this one but if she does I’d say yes. You see, if a girl subjects you to this film and then doesn’t reward you with sex then you know that she is secretly a sadist and you are better off dumping her before she locks you in her oubliette. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere you like. There isn’t a lot in here that I would consider necessary, and at 112 minutes you will need something. If I had to pick a moment I’d say the bus ride to finals after Fat Amy gets hit with a flying burrito.
I will say one last thing on this movie and that is if acapella singing gets a film then I can hope for a Warhammer movie in there someday. I kind of see myself cast as the villain in that one, and I don’t think a lot of my friends would argue with that. Honestly I would be willing to bet it would be at least as interesting, if missing a lot in distaff actors. If any producers are interested in working out a concept feel free to contact me.
Thanks for reading. More to see this week. Hopefully something out there will really suck and give me something to tear apart (what’s that you say? There is a new Kevin James movie this Friday where he becomes an MMA fighter? Score!!!). Actually I have a Warhammer tournament this weekend (Infernal Zoo) so I don’t think I will be able to write a new review until Sunday night. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post any comments on this film or my review on it here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter Review
Entertaining, but if you read the book you might have an axe to grind with this adaptation.
Sorry I couldn’t resist it. The fact is I have been looking forward to this movie for a while, and during the last few months getting annoyed at fellow movie audience members who laughed at the trailers. Unfortunately they were for the most part correct to laugh as a lot of this movie was fairly comical in it’s need to suspend disbelief. However, if you can raise that disbelief to airline cruising altitude there is a lot worth watching here.
I read the book two weeks ago on my flight to Italy and enjoyed it a great deal. It tells of the secret life of Abraham Lincoln and his quest to rid America of the bloodsucking scourge of vampires. It was very clever and well done, with the vampire elements integrated into a broader story making for a cool, innovative retelling of his life while remaining grounded as much as possible in the actual events from American history. The action seemed realistic, with Lincoln developing his vampire hunting skills over a lifetime and coming up with many clever tools and tricks to make up for his human frailties and the strength and quickness of the vampires.
Tragically this movie took all that, wadded it into a ball, and tossed it into the nearest garbage bin. The story is devolved into the simplest of vampire stories, Abe himself is turned into a male Buffy the Vampire slayer with the speed, skill, strength, and reaction time of ten men, and no attempt is made at all to link the story to the historical events. (Buffy staked Edward image courtesy of the Horror Movie t shirt category)
However, the question that can easily be asked at this point is “What were you expecting, Dave?” Hollywood has shown little to no interest in creating clever, interesting stories or perhaps improving upon the general knowledge of the unwashed masses they cater to so why should this movie be an exception? The fact is if you put the words “vampire” and “hunter” (slayer) in the same sentence the Brownian mentality of the movie going population immediately thinks of Buffy, so you might as well use it as your source material.
I will give massive props to this movie (and the book) for portraying vampires as they should be; arrogant, evil bloodsucking bastards who should be exterminated without mercy. The ugly trend towards pretty, “nice” romantic vampires that started with Interview with a Vampire and continues to plague us with the whole Twilight series (I refuse to call it a saga) has to be stopped somehow. While these vampires managed to not burst into flame in the sun, at least they made concessions towards the fact that the sun hurts them.
The major thing that burdens this movie more than any other is the mind numbing ridiculousness of a lot of the action. I understand the need for suspension of disbelief, but the action sequences here becomes literally laughable. The action also has the problem of obscuring the action. Quick cuts and jumbled scenes of people dressed in similar colors turns a lot of the action sequences into a kaleidoscope-like morass of brown and black shapes. Very hard to follow. Multiple times I found myself asking “What the hell just happened?”, which is rarely a good thing for a movie.
The story is of course of Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker-Flags of Our Fathers, War Boys, Kinsey) and his secret life as a vampire hunter. He starts young with the death of his mother at the fangs of a vampire. When he turns into a young man he goes after the vamp who did it but gets his ass more or less kicked. He is rescued by Henry (Dominic Cooper-Captain America-the First Avenger, the Duchess, an Education), who trains him to fight vampires. Abe takes the axe as his weapon of choice and turns into a samurai warrior with it. He goes out killing vampires at the bequest of Henry and meets his wife Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead-the Thing, Scott Pilgrim vrs the World, Final Destination 3). He dedicates his life to destroying vampires by removing their easiest food source, slaves. Eventually he ends up as president and has to fight against the South, who are aided and abetted by the vampires.
The stars. Very cool concept. One star. I thought Dominic Cooper was pretty good as Honest Abe. One star. Evil vampires. One star. The period scenery was very good and accurate. One star. I loved the book. One star. Pacing was good. One star. Generally entertaining as long as you can dumb your brain down a bit. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. They took a cool, subtle story with strong ties to actual history and dumbed it down to a cheesy Hollywood action movie. One black hole. They also PC’d the hell out of it. In the book the slavery issue, while important, was only one piece of a much bigger story. In this one it was the end all and be all of the movie. They also forced in a black supporting character who looked and felt like they crowbarred him in for political correctness. One black hole. The action, which for most of the movie was kind of dopey, fell off the Great Dopey Cliff into Never Ending Valley of Stupidity towards the end (the train ride was really, really dumb). One black hole. Speaking of crowbarring, the managed to shove in Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad for no apparent reason other than to try to look more correct. It all felt awkwardly out of place and had nothing to do with the book or history. One black hole. The movie in general suffered from the problem of trying to fit an entire lifetime of vampire hunting and politicking (which was all well done in the book) into 105 minutes, and honestly it felt like you were watching a 4 hour movie but skipping ahead by five minute increments periodically. One black hole. At some point you have to ask yourself does the President of the United States not have soldiers and guards he could call on, or does he really have to play security guard more or less solo on a train? One black hole. Total: six black holes.
Sigh. Only two stars total, and to be honest I was being kind on a few of them. Another movie I really wanted to be better. It’s not terrible. In fact, it’s entirely worth watching on a big screen and looks like it would even benefit from 3D. It’s just that based on the source material I think it could have been much better. Almost to the point of being a classic. Instead it’s just another Tim Burton movie (think Sleepy Hollow). Date movie? Meh. You won’t lose anything on this but there is nothing in here terrifying, surprising, or interesting enough to really turn a girl on IMO. Bathroom break? The whole Lincoln/Mary romance could be missed without losing anything. The formal dance where they start to fall in love is an excellent place to void your fluids.
Thanks for reading. I am going to go see Rock of Ages later tonight, so have pity on me. It should really suck. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post comments on this movie or review here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected].
Thanks again. Have a great night, and look for a review on that rock movie tomorrow.
Dave
Dark Shadows Review
Q: How much Johnny Depp/Tim Burton schtick can they stuff into 113 minutes? A: A lot.
Last night when I told my friends I was going to see Dark Shadows at midnight they made me promise to watch 30 minutes of the original series. I did so (thanks iPhone) and understand what they were trying to get me to see. The soap opera Dark Shadows was campy and kind of dumb, but what it wasn’t was a schticky comedy.
If a movie were a car than Johnny Depp would be a powerful V8 engine pumping out more horsepower than a rodeo on speed. However, this particular car, while pretty with a nice glossy coat of paint, seems grossly underdeveloped in the wheels, seats, windows, and other accoutrements that make a comfortable automobile. The entire movie serves only as a vehicle to deliver Johnny Depps performance and baroque 17th century mannerisms. His character is a schizophrenic two dimensional dry humor joke machine; everyone else is a one dimensional sounding board from which to bounce one liners off of; the script wanders aimlessly from plot point to plot point without really locking onto anything (and it’s kind of boring); the humor seems at the same time highly predictable and out of place; and the ending they dredged up from the deep bowels of the writers…well, bowel.
All that being said, if you are a Johnny Depp fan you will probably enjoy his performance immensely. He managed to make the scenes cool and funny (he also manages to not sing at any point, a fact that made me very happy). However, his fish-out-of-water jokes wore thin after about 50 minutes and he was not enough to keep the entire movie alive solo.
I think this was a serious mistake on the part of Tim Burton (and it pains me to say this). Sure, Depp is an amazing actor and can deliver a stellar performance in his sleep, but the cast of this film was chock full of talented people. Michelle Pfeiffer plays the matron of the family, and while it is easy to hate her for her part in Batman Returns you still have to like her for Scarface. Of course she also did New Years Eve so I don’t know. Psycho witch Helen Bonham Carter (Fight Club, the King’s Speech, Sweeney Todd) plays the psychiatrist. The extremely hot Eva Green (Casino Royale, the Dreamers, Perfect Sense) plays the evil witch who cursed Barnabus. Bella Heahcoate (In Time, Glen Owens Dodds, Beneath Hill 60) plays the nanny. For Carolyn they even got Chloë Grace Moretz (Kick Ass, Hugo, Let Me In) who is a great young actress. Seems like any one of them could have added something to the story had they been allowed.
Anyway, the story. Barnabus Collinis rejects his maid Angelique. She kills his parents and fiance, cursing him to be a vampire (live forever with super speed and strength? I think the writers need to buy a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word “curse”) and gets the local townsfolk to form a torch-and-pitchfork mob to bury him in a coffin. Flash forward 196 years where a construction crew digs up his coffin and in a really stupid move opens it up (sorry, if I found a coffin shaped box with massive chains around it the first thing I would not do is call for bolt cutters. Maybe a power drill, along with a bible and a Super Soaker full of holy water). Barabus jumps out and slaughters 11 innocent construction workers, a fact that does not even rate more than passing mention from the local police or news media. These sorts of thing happen all the time in Maine I guess.
Anyway, he rejoins his family now consisting of his great great grand something (? Seriously, how was he related to these losers? His family moved here from Liverpool when he was a child. His parents died. He was an only child and never had kids), her brother, her daughter, and her nephew who live in the huge super creepy mansion his father built. He discovers that they are barely holding on and the family business is in shambles. Turns out Angelique, the witch who “cursed” him, has spent the last 200 years working to destroy his family financially (? She really had nothing better to do? Spend centuries stalking people who never even knew the guy who rejected you?).
Barnabus spends the next 80 minutes or so beating the fish-out-of-water jokes deep into the ground. He dedicates himself to restoring the family home and business and does so with remarkable ease. Along the way he slaughters a bunch more people.
Let me go on an aside here briefly and talk about one of the most disturbing things about the Barnabus Collins character. The fact is, most of the movie he was funny, witty, and charming and then every once in a while would kill a bunch of completely innocent people. It’s like if you bred a dog with a porcupine (dorkupine?) that you could totally pet and be cool with except every once in a while you would hit a patch of spines and get a fistful of them in the palm of your hand. I found it really distracting and every time he would do it my sympathy for him and my appreciation of the humor would drain from the film like spaghetti in a colander. I found it especially gruesome when he would apologize to his victim before draining them dry. (Buffy Staked Edward image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category)
Anyway, as the story plods along and you get less enthralled with Barnabus the movie gets more and more boring. The ending was hamhanded and chock full of deus ex machina. Stuff that possibly should have been hinted at or developed in the first 1/3rd of the film crops out of nowhere and solves problems with little to no effort on Barnabus’s part.
The stars. Johnny Depp was pretty amazing as Barnabus Collins. Two stars. Dialog for the most part was excellent. One star. Eva Green was driving me crazy through most of this. One star. Even though they didn’t get to show their talents much, I will give a star for Helen Bonham Carter and Chloë Moretz. One star. Costumes and visuals were generally very good. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. The script felt really unfocused and lethargic. Kind of like they tried to take an entire season of a soap opera and compress it into one movie. One black hole. Burton should have realized that after a while the audience would reach its saturation point on fish-out-of-water jokes. One black hole. Johnny Depp so eclipsed everyone else that no other performances were even possible, and all the other characters were left to wither on the vine. One black hole. The repeated shifting in tone for the main character from lighthearted witty fellow to murderer. One black hole. The Alice Cooper scene went on way too long. One black hole. The whole movie shifted gears in the last 20 minutes from horror/comedy to horror/tragedy. Overall the ending sucked. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of one black hole. Not great, but not irredeemable. If you happen to be a big Johnny Depp or Tim Burton you might enjoy it, and if you think they make magic together then definitely. Nothing visually that demands a theater, so wait to stream it. Date movie? Meh. She won’t find much offensive. On the other hand Johnny Depp with an accent is really hard to be compared to, so maybe give it a pass. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but if I had to pick the two scenes that stand out are the Alice Cooper musical tribute or the Barnabus/Angelique sex scene. In both cases the movie diverges from the only redeeming thing in the film-Johnny Depp delivering good dialog-and trust me when I say you will not see anything memorable.
Thanks for reading. I don’t know if I will get to see anything else this weekend. Maybe Pirates. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or post comments here. If you have specific questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a nice day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Michael Bey looking to remake the Halloween series?
So I heard online a rumor that Transformers maker Michael Bey is looking to remake the whole Halloween series. I am more into horror movies than Dave is, and honestly don’t hate Michael Bey like he does either. I know there are too many explosions in his films, but I generally find them entertaining. At least, the first and third Transformers.
However, as a horror movie fan I have to say Michael Bey is probably one of the worst choices to remake these movies. The last horror movie he did was that horrible Nightmare on Elm Street remake a couple years ago. It was really worthless and boring. He just doesn’t really care enough to do a good job IMO. I don’t do the research for these that Dave does, but Rotten Tomatoes gave it 14%, which is god awful. He doesn’t do a lot of horror, so why does he need to regurgitate this one?
Honestly, I would have Rob Zombie do it. I like his films, and at least as far as horror goes he is in it to win it. As a real fan I think he would make a decent run at it, and at least he would bring along a dedicated fan base. I don’t think Bey has generated any fans who will go see anything he does, like with me and Sam Raimi.
This Micheal Myers image I found in Dave’s horror movie t shirts. Good image in my opinion.
Jason
The Hollywood “We Have No Imagination” Tour continues
So I was looking around online this morning and was struck by how many remakes and continuations/sequels are coming out soon. It pretty much looks like the so called creative types in Hollywood have thrown in the towel and are instead going to continued banking on making money on nostalgic morons who feel some kind of obligation to see a badly made movie based on something they watched as a kid when their brains were softer. Here are a few you can look forward to:
The Cat in the Hat animated (I guess they figure they don’t need Mike Myers). Home Alone 5, starring some new kid (looks like the mug shots of Macaulay Calkin don’t scream super cute kid anymore, although if they really wanted to do something cool they would star him as one of the burglars). Battleship (Are they kidding?). Red Dawn (I think the reason this movie worked back in the day was we were pretty tight in the cold war. Who do they think is going to invade now?). Weird Science. Short Circuit. Friday the 13th. Top Gun (hahahahaha). Judge Dredd. Akira. Annie. All Quite on the Western Front. 
Carrie (Image from the Horror Movie T Shirts). Child’s Play. Evil Dead. Mad Max (gah!). Pet Semetary. Point Break. Robocop. The Birds. The Crow. Barbarella (if this isn’t rated R I’m going to burn down the movie theater. However, since it looks like Katherine Heigl, odds are it won’t be). Drop Dead Fred. Starship Troopers. The NeverEnding Story. The Seven Samuraii. War Games. Time Bandits. American Psycho. Death Wish. Escape from New York. Heavy Metal. Lethal Weapon. Porky’s. Skarface. The Bodyguard. The Warriors. Westworld.
I don’t know how writers in Hollywood can call themselves writers anymore. Xerox machines, more like. Does anyone remember when movies were original and studios would take chances on films? Oh, yeah. Back when all these got made the first time.
Dave
