Movie review: Thor
So last night I got a suggestion from a friend of mine for a movie that could potentially really suck, Dylan Dog, about a zombie private eye or something. It was playing 20 miles away but during the drive my girlfriend (for lack of a better term) texted me saying she got free of work early and wanted to go see Thor. Since the only reason I didn’t see it opening night was because she wanted to see it with me, I grabbed the chance like a life preserver and headed off.
The movie was, of course, great. However, I think I fell victim of the trap of having everyone I know or read about gush about how awesome it was and really elevated my expectations. Then, when I showed up with my bitter and cynical critical eye I see faults. Nevertheless, great movie.
I’m not going to get into the story too much on this, as pretty much everyone who reads this most likely will see it or have already seen it. Thor, the God of Thunder (or some kind of super advanced alien. They seemed to imply both. Thor image courtesy of the Marvel Comic t shirt category) gets into trouble with his dad and gets cast down to earth, where he gets to deal with being a mortal. Absolutely no “stranger in a strange land” local color happens, much to my surprise. I’m willing to bet a lot of it ended up on the cutting room floor. Norse battle hijinx ensue. Natalie Portman shows up as some kind of ill defined scientist (is she an astronomer, meteorologist, theoretical physicist, or astrophysicist?) as the love interest. Things get blown up. Guys get beat up. Overall very cool and exciting.
By the way, I’d like to add that, in spite of his limited time on screen I thought the coolest character in the movie was Heimdall. Fan boys looking for a great costume to make for Comic Con won’t go wrong here, especially if you are African American.
First the stars. The movie was in general awesome. Two stars. Natalie Portman. One star (two if she had done another thong shot like in Your Highness). Anthony Hopkins. One star. The casting in was extremely good overall. Both Loki and Thor were really done well. One star. The CGI and special effects were godlike in their greatness, and didn’t suffer from the obvious restrictions of being stuck in a small blue screen studio (suck it, George Lucas). Two stars. The acting was all great. Two stars. Comic book movie. One star. No annoying comic relief characters. One star. Thor, as the protagonist, actually shows some character development. One star. The destroyer was freaking awesome. One star. There was a moment that honestly got an emotional reaction out of my cold, dead heart (you’ll know it when you see the movie). One star. Spoiler at the end of the credits. One star. Total: fifteen stars.
Now the black holes. I had a really hard time understanding Loki’s motivations. He seemed to drift from one thing to the next, and even at the end I was not sure what his ultimate goal really was. One black hole. Natalie Portman as the super hot scientist who can’t find a man really didn’t ring true. One black hole. Thor and Natalie seem to fall completely in love and are willing to dedicate eternity to each other after knowing each other for about 12 hours. One black hole. The pacing of the film seemed really rushed. They had everything happen in like one day when it seemed like it should have gone a couple months (and would have eliminated that whole super fast romance issue too). One black hole. The spoiler at the end of the film after the credits made no sense whatsoever, nor did it imply any other movies except perhaps Thor II. One black hole. They took a pretty liberal hand with modifying the Thor back story from the comic book, and tried to imply that all his godlike powers were the result of some kind of super science rather than actual divinity. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
Thus we come to a total of nine stars, an awesome score. I highly recommend you all see this, in IMAX if possible. This movie will work for comic book fans (assuming they don’t get all uptight about the back story) and laymen alike. Great visuals, great story, all around a fun time. The only thing I can say is, while I enjoyed the hell out of it, I am not really gung ho to see it a second time, which is what I would normally do for a movie of this ilk. I think I need to ponder my motivation for that.
I will try to see Dylan Dog this week with the question “How bad could it be” foremost in my mind. I think tomorrow I am going to talk about my new favorite movie reviewer (aside from me, of course). Check it out.
Movie review: Fast Five
Yes, I went to see this flick last night at the fabulous Grand Lake Theater in Oakland last night. As an aside, when I say fabulous I mean that with all sincerity. It was built in 1926 and still has all the amazing architecture, filigree, and cool things you don’t see any more like a huge theater hall that hasn’t been broken up into four smaller theaters to maximize profit. The owners also championed the cause to end parking meters that ran until 8pm last year (Oakland parking is the devil) so I have to love them for that.
It seems my curse of never finding a movie crappy enough to really be worthy of my bagging skills continues. Fast Five wasn’t bad. It wasn’t necessarily good, mind you. What it was was entertaining, like watching G.L.O.W. (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling). You will learn nothing, gain nothing, you life will not be in any way enhanced from watching it, and you will be kind of embarrassed if your friends catch you watching it, but fun to watch nevertheless.
Before we get into this I should mention that I have never seen any of the previous movies and car racing movies, unless the cars have machine guns on the front (Deathrace) are really not my thing. Street racers are, in my opinion, kind of dumbass punks. In my experience street racers are guys who buy a Honda Civic for about $10,000, spend three years and $15000 upgrading it, and then sell it for about $10,000. There’s a garage I drive by at night sometimes that is closed all day long and opens about 7pm to stay open until about 3am working on these cars. While I am fascinated by the concept of a GTA style all night upgrade garage the lifestyle doesn’t do much for me.
Anyway, the story. Vin Diesel plays some kind of convicted street racing criminal who is more or less going up for life. His sister and her boyfriend bust him out so he can go to Brazil and continue his life of crime. He runs afoul of the local crime boss and decides to steal a huge amount of money from him. Meanwhile, the Rock plays some kind of Federal Agent who, with a gang of disposable heros, are given the task of capturing Vin and his friends while more or less ignoring any concept of Brazilian jurisdiction or sovereignty. Car driving hijinx ensue. Cars and a big chunk of Rio get wrecked.
What surprised me was that, while the story was shockingly decent (if somewhat simplistic and linear), it really seemed unnecessary as a functional part of the movie. The villain is grossly stereotypical (how many times can we see a crime lord kill a subordinate who has failed in our lifetime) but honestly, if he hadn’t been in the film I don’t think I would have enjoyed it less. The subplot with Dwayne Johnson actually added to and enhanced the story rather than mired it down. The driving was super cool, and believe it or not the acting as not really bad. Better than Water for Elephants by a lot, although it might have just been really good casting. Vin Diesel is at his best when he plays a roll that seems to match his perceived personality (Chronicles of Riddick, for example) but even his humanizing scenes were not stomach turning.
Let’s let the stars and black holes speak for themselves. The story was palatable, which is a lot more than I expected. One star. The driving was actually exciting and cool. Two stars. According to my research, none of it was CGI. All stunt cars and really good editing. One star. They really didn’t break the physics engine too much (more on that later). One star. The acting was either decent or just really appropriate, also something I didn’t expect. One star. Really good camera work and editing. One star. They didn’t force me to watch it in 3D. One star. While my personal taste leans towards classic American muscle cars rather than super sports cars, the cars were really cool (and they did have a couple muscle cars). Two stars. The women, while all pretty hot, felt like they actually had legitimate roles and weren’t just crowbarred in for sex appeal. One star. In spite of the fact that I was seeing the fifth movie in the series and had never seen any of the others I did not feel like I was being left on the outside for not knowing all the inside crap from the other four. One star. Total: twelve stars.
Now the black holes. While most of the driving did not break any laws of physics, the final chase scene with the two cars pulling a 10 ton safe seemed a little beyond what would be possible, assuming the bumpers didn’t just get torn off at some point. I took physics in college and there is a concept out there known as coefficient of friction that the writers might have considered looking at. I will say might have, as the entire chase with the safe was incredibly cool and exciting, and will hold them back to one black hole. There were a couple scenes where bad guys seemed to spawn out of nowhere like a first person shooter and you were left unsure who was shooting at who. One black hole. The movie fell back on the whole story dodge of “bad guys who can’t shoot straight”. I’m sorry, but three guys with assault rifles firing at a running target less than 30 yards ahead of them should fill them with enough bullets to equip an army platoon, or at least one. One black hole. The Rock, in spite of the fact that he and his squad are armed to the teeth, opts to duke it out with Vin Diesel in and extended, if exciting, fight scene. One black hole. US Agents in a foreign country generally don’t have the right to run around wrecking and shooting anything they see. Generally they have to work with local law enforcement. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
Actually, I have a new thing for my reviewing process with this review, and that is things that are irksome but don’t really rate a black hole. In this film I found it kind of annoying that a Brazilian crime lord would have a ocean container full of American money. I looked up Brazilian money and it’s all like purple and blue, so you can’ even claim it looks like US dollars. Also, while it is pretty much obligatory that if you are going to film anything in Rio you have to do a panning shot of the Christ the Redeemer statue on Corcovado Mountain, you don’t have to do another one every 10 minutes. Seriously, once is enough.
So a grand total of 7 stars, a shockingly good score given what I was expecting to see. If you like cars and driving then definitely see this on the biggest screen you can find. I am pretty sure it will lose a lot of its luster on your TV so try to see in a theater. This is definitely a guys night out movie, so if possible try to leave the girlfriend at home, unless she herself is really into cars and driving.
By the way, I didn’t think this was star worthy, but one thing I appreciate about this entire movie series is the fact that they give each film a related but distinctly different title, rather than simply adding another number to the end of the first title, like our upcoming Hangover 2 (Hangover image courtesy of the movie t shirt category). For the record, while not exactly pinnacles of creative achievement, the film titles in this series are The fast and the Furious (2001), 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003), the Fast and the Furious: Tokeyo Drift (2006), Fast and Furious (2009), and Fast Five (2011).
Movie Review: Hanna
So my quest to find a bad movie to bag on remains unfulfilled. Hanna wasn’t great, but it also didn’t feel like parts of my brain were shriveling while I watched it, which is pretty much what I was looking for (see my review for the Warriors Way if you want a good example). It was a flesh wound.
Before I get into the story and specific stars and black holes, I will say this. It is an axiom of film, comic book, and video game that any attempt to genetically engineer a super soldier will inevitably result in one of those soldiers rising up and killing everyone who was remotely involved, and Hanna is not the exception to that rule. Also, in the lexicon of bad places to hang out in any kind of movie or video game, abandoned amusement parks always rank in the top three (along with abandoned schools and abandoned hospitals. Ironically, in my book graveyards don’t even hit the top 10, unless it’s a zombie film (Zombie image courtesy of the zombie movie t-shirts)) and Hanna lives up to the stereotype.
So the story is of a young girl, raised by a Grizzly Adams looking guy in the woods of a country in Europe (? Never clearly defined. They seemed in imply Scandinavia, but since I have license and am also a big Three Stooges fan, for simplicities sake we’ll call it the Kingdom of Moronica) where she has a typical childhood upbringing-killing animals with a bow, shooting stuff with a Lugar, and having her father train her to be professional assassin by constantly sneaking up on her and trying to kill her. In other words, a completely stable, wholesome upbringing with no chance whatsoever of massive psychological damage. (I’m being factitious here, of course. The girl is basically being raised in a blood lined Skinner box). It turns out that she was part of some super soldier program and her father took her away after her mother was killed by a woman with shockingly red hair. They summon the US agency that he used to work for that goes unnamed but for the partially seen seal on a wall is the Ce….. …………. …..cy. Subtle. Anyway, for no apparent reason he bails on Hanna, leaving her to deal with the spy hit team (also sent out for no apparent reason). She gets captured and ends up in a long chase across Europe, where she meets an English family, and is headed for Germany for something.
That’s really my only problem with the movie. There is a lot of lack of motivation for anyone to do anything. I spent the entire movie plagued by “wh” questions. As in, why didn’t they just leave and head to Germany together? What were they hoping to accomplish there? Why would the father take the time to train Hanna to be a super spy assassin, as well as educate her in at least five different languages and the weight of a blue whales testicles (no joke), but not bother to teach her what a passport is or what electric lights or a television are? What kind of spy doesn’t need to know that? What ended up happening to the family that helped Hanna? Why didn’t the super secure facility where they brough Hanna not have security grates on the air vents (or something. Not sure what she was running around in) to prevent escape, or for that matter even a padlock on the exit door? Why would they dress their prisoner in an orange jumpsuit that is almost exactly the same color as the desert rocks outside the underground facility? Why didn’t the trained military guys notice the open manhole they were driving over?
The list goes on. All these questions gave the whole story a weird, disjointed feeling.
Anyway, spy hijinx ensues. A number of trained, grown men are killed by a 16 year old girl. That’s pretty much the bulk of the story.
First, the stars. The girl who plays Hanna, Saoirse Ronan, does an amazing job for such a young girl. I expect to see her do some great stuff in the future. Two stars. As disjointed as some of the film feels, there literally wasn’t a dull moment. One star. Most of the European and African scenery was great, and shot to good effect. One star. Kate Blanchet was pretty good as the heavy, although her Southern accent felt really forced. One star. The father was also pretty good, at least once he shaved off his really bad beard and cut his hair. One star. There is one really good villain from the “effete German soulless killer” school that, while stereotypical, was entertaining. One star. They didn’t try to exploit the cute young girl with some lame love interest (the Professional). One star. I have my issues, but don’t want to bury this film in black holes, so I am going to give two more stars just on general enjoyment. Total: 10 stars.
Now the black holes. I could give about 50 for each of the “wh” questions that came into my head while watching this, but I will be kind and restrict it to three. This may sound petty, but the soundtrack (by the Chemical Brothers, whom I normally like) literally sounded like cell phone ring tones most of the time. I’m not kidding. Every time they changes scenes and a new track would play people in the audience were checking their phones to see if they had left them on. One black hole. I’m really bugged that I never found out what happened to the British family that helped Hanna, and when you see the movie you will understand why. One black hole. The British family, while kind of entertaining and integral to the story, also annoyed me by trying to crowbar in all the pop culture references Hanna, having grown up in the woods eating deer meat, couldn’t. One black hole. While almost all the action sequences were good and well choreographed, there were a couple, especially towards the end, that had me saying “duh”. One black hole. Total, seven black holes.
Grand total of three stars, which honestly is not bad. I don’t think you really need to run out and see this in the theater, but if you can see it cheap go for it. Definitely put it on your NetFlix list. You won’t feel like you wasted your time seeing this one.
I might go see something tonight, being yet another cheap movie night at Jack London Square, but my options are limited. Insidious looks scary as hell, Soul Surfer has sharks, Scream 4 is getting decent reviews, and Hop might put me into a sugar coma. None of the looks sucktastic enough to make a great review, although Hop is probably my best candidate. At least I can talk about the many childhood Easter traumas I experienced.
I’m back and survived Wonder Con
So it has been a week and a half since my last post and I apologize. Honestly, I have had too much going on in my life. The last part of last month was all about getting ready for Wonder Con. Then three days of Wonder Con, which more or less left me a zombie after each day of the show. Then I took the opportunity to move to a bigger apartment and am still in the midst of trying to get unpacked (I have a lovely new living room and dinning area. Problem is I cant actually get to either of them as they are full up with boxes, bookcases, and a suspiciously unused exercise bike). Also I got sick for a couple days.
Anyway, needless to say, my life has been pretty exhausting lately and I haven’t had the time or energy for anything more than work or sleep. However, as I get my life and business back under control I should be able to keep things moving on the blogging front, at least until the next major event convergence.
Let me say first of all, Wonder Con was busier and more fun than last year. My best friend drove up from LA with his two boys and it was great to see him. I had good people helping me in the booth and sold a ton of shirt. Best of all, the shirt that outsold all the rest was my own design, this lovely zombie target practice shirt from the zombie movie t shirt category. Make me very happy and proud.
Second of all, it was a ton of fun. Lots of cool people, some really amazing costumes (as well as some amazingly bad ones), celebrities, panels, debuts, and all the stuff a good convention could have. Or so I hear second hand, as I didn’t have five minutes away from the booth, as two of the girls I hired got sick (and then got me sick, I found) and couldn’t work on Saturday. Fortunately I had a good friend in the city willing to work for t-shirts, so I was able to cover it. Still we could have used the help.
Anyway, I am falling asleep even as I type this. I am not event going to proofread this post, so enjoy the typos. I’ll get back into blogging full time starting tomorrow. For now, good night.
Movie Review: Sucker Punch
So I have been looking forward to this movie for a while now, and planned to see it Sunday. However, on Friday I started hearing that a lot of the reviews were coming back as bad, which shook me. The trailers showed a 40 foot tall metal samurai armed with a mini gun. How could that possibly be bad?
So with a certain amount of trepidation I went to my local Regal theater, spent $5 on a Sunday ticket and $15.25 on popcorn, water, and some Junior Mints, and sat in the seat. The movie started off ominously when I saw someone wheel in a stroller (note-if your child is too young to speak and/or stay awake for the entire movie he or she MIGHT just be too young to see a PG-13 movie). Sure enough, the child cried a couple times during the movie. I hold nothing against the child. It’s the incredibly selfish parents who need to be caned. What drove me even more insane through the movie was some adult who fell asleep several times and snored quite loudly. Bastard. For him it’s the scorpion pit.
Anyway, in spite of these issues, I enjoyed Sucker Punch immensely. It really appealed to the inner comic book geek inside me. Steam punk meets Kill Bill meets Brazil. I liked it so much that when I got home I had to look up some of the reviews and see what they were all bitching about. About 20 minutes of reading has shown me something I knew years ago and am forcibly reminded of periodically: most movie reviews are morons and don’t have a dook of an idea how to comport themselves geek-wise, oh my brother. Seriously, they just don’t seem to understand nerd culture. I refuse to help any of these idiots by linking their asinine reviews, but one moron from some rag called the city the 300 came from Sparda (it’s Sparta. Sparda was a demon from Devil May Cry). Imbecile.
Anyway, the movie does have it’s issues, which I will get into in a bit. The story is of a girl who gets framed by her step dad for the murder of her sister and committed to an insane asylum. She descends into a fantasy delusion where she is trapped in a 50’s (implied) brothel and has to escape. There she is forced to dance and every time she does she descends further into a delusion within a delusion (very Inception-like) where she and her friends have to fight any number of monsters, from steam punk WWI Germans, giant metal samurai warriors, LOTR type orcs, a dragon, and some high tech mirrored mechanicals (when I say mirrored I mean that. They pretty much shattered like they were made of glass). They have to find five things to gain their freedom. There’s an older guy who is her spiritual guide and/or commanding officer, a female psychiatrist/dance instructor, and her team is comprised of four more super hot girls; two blonds, a brunette, and an Asian girl. There is one main villain (the orderly at the insane asylum) and any number of lesser villains and henchmen. Violence in many different forms ensues, the story progresses in a very comic book (I mean that in a good way) style, and the story makes a lot or sense if you can let go of your need to have everything in life spoon fed to you. I don’t want to comment on the ending as it could be a huge spoiler, but I liked it.
First the stars. Visually stunning. Two stars. The CGI and special effects were awe inspiring. When you see the dragon it really looks like there is a dragon there. Two stars. Steam punk. One star. Dragon. One star. Giant samurai warriors. One star. Ever women in the film was uber hot. One star. The fight choreography was extremely good. Two stars. While a big part of the story involved Baby Doll’s dancing being hypnotic, they spared us the awkward pain of actually having to watch it and instead replaced it with more gratuitous violence. One star. Most of the sets involved a cool 1950’s noir style that I quite liked. One star. Total: 12 stars.
Now the black holes. The acting from every single character was painfully flat and mediocre. Two black holes. To compliment the mediocre acting the dialogue sounded like the writer spent most of his time writing Wikipedia articles on 13th century pole arms. Two black holes. You spend most of the movie fighting against an overwhelming feeling of injustice. One black hole. The girls names grind on you after a while (Baby Doll, Sweet Pea, etc). One black hole. Overall the film really kind of lacks depth, with pretty weak character development. One black hole (although, really, how much character development was there in 300? If you want character development see a Ron Howard film). Some pretty blatant holes in the plot (although they will bother you less if you keep in mind the whole film is seen through the eyes of an insane young girl). One black hole. Total: 8 black holes.
Grand total: 4 stars. Not a great score, and if you like movies and plots that make sense you might want to give this one a pass. However, it’s not a bad score and if you like visual movies and comic book style plots it is well worth seeing, especially on a big screen. I also give props for not forcing me to watch this in 3d, in spite of the fact that most of the scenes almost scream for it. One less headache.
Weird. I just realized my last blog post was a review of the movie Rubber. I guess it’s surreal movie week. I am sorry I haven’t had much time to blog, but you have no idea the amount of work I am dealing with right now. After Wonder Con this weekend, plus the 40 or more new shirts I need to upload, plus I am moving this week, not to mention my regular job and the fact that I am trying to get a new army painted for July and I am dating someone, I should be able to get back to my more frequent schedule.
Last post’s who-would-win question, Umbrella Corp verses Omni Consumer Products, I’m going to have to give to OCP. Umbrella might have the zombies, but honestly one ED-209 should be able to kill about 1000 zombies. They might be able to get the T-Virus into Robocop, which would be Zombie Robocop. Kind of scary. (OCP image courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
For today, let’s go classic WWW. Who would win, Superman versus Galactus?
Movie Review: Rubber
Last night at movie night my friend showed us a copy of Rubber, a new movie coming out next week. I’m not sure how he got it (and am happy that way) but reviewing a movie a week before it hits theaters makes me feel like a fully grown up movie reviewer instead of some guy who goes to the movies and then blogs about it. I am so proud.
That being said, Rubber is not Paul. I am pretty sure it will have a limited theater release and then go to video so fast it could possible turn time backwards. That being said, this movie is 100% guaranteed to become a cult classic, so if you want to gain any kind of hipster nerd cred you had better see it in the theater so five years from now when your friends are talking about it you can smugly say something like “Rubber? I saw it in the theater. Surreal.” and watch as all their egos all deflate and burn like the Hindenburg. I am sure at some point you will be able to leverage this into some kind of massive nerd-fu boost.
The film looks like it was created to try to impress the people at Cannes, where it was more or less universally panned. I honestly can’t decide if it was good or bad. The best word for it is really surreal. It’s a melding of Repo Man, the Red Balloon, City of Lost Children, Friday the 13th, Six String Samurai, and Eraserhead. That being said, it is shockingly well produced. They obviously had a budget, which really makes me wish I could have sat in the pitch meeting when the producer convinced someone to fund it.
Believe it or not, this movie was written and directed by Quentin. Not Tarantino. Quentin Dupieux. I wouldn’t have imagined there were two dudes named Quentin in the world, much less in the movie industry. This makes me really wonder if Mr. Dupieux was named Quentin originally. I don’t usually do this for movies that I review, but this movie is so weird I think I need to link the movie site to help you understand. Here you go: Rubber the Movie.
Surreal really doesn’t cover the story. It depicts the adventures of Robert, a tire that comes to life and has the telekinetic ability to blow people’s heads up. He rolls around (literally) some American backwater killing people, and being enchanted by a super hot brunette French girl named Roxane Mesquida, who shows some skin in a completely unnecessary shower scene that I appreciated immensely. There is some weird sub plot involving a group of spectators who are issued binoculars and watch Robert’s tribes and tribulations from a nearby hill and somehow are critical to the story. There is an insane sheriff, a kid who puts bird guts on his dads(?) pizza, some guy who directs the spectators, and another guy in a wheelchair who somehow completely confounds the evil plot that is being facilitated by the insane sheriff. The film is a French production but except for Roxane the cast and set is 100% American.
Sorry if that description seemed a little vague, but I am still not sure what the hell was going on. I am reasonably intelligent and an active movie viewer but still had a lot of trouble following it. That being said, I still enjoyed it. It was like eating celery: tasteless, but still fun to eat for the texture and will help clear out your intestines with all that fiber but at the end you discover you have burned more calories chewing than you gained in nutrition.
First the stars. Surrealism. Two stars. The film work was in its own way brilliant. Most of the camera work was done at the level of the tire. We had a debate at the end whether they were using stop motion, CGI, or some kind of really good wire work and really couldn’t decide. One star. For a script that looked like it was written by a Sophomore in a really artsy film school the production values, including camera, editing, and sound, were all very good. One star. The acting was also shockingly good. One star. They somehow managed to make the tire feel like it was more alive and had more emotion than Nicholas Cage in his last two movies. You honestly could tell when it was pissed and it could deliver a really ominous feel most of the time. One star. The special effects, mostly in the form of heads exploding, was really good. One star. Total: seven stars.
Now the black holes. Surrealism. One black hole. I know it’s a surrealist film, but there were a lot of moments when I was extraordinarily confused, especially by a lot of the motivations. One black hole. Given that this is a surrealist French film about Americans I am pretty sure there is some kind of inside French joke about America that would piss me off if I knew about it. One black hole on speculation. At the end of the movie I really wasn’t sure if I enjoyed it or not. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Net total: three stars. Not bad, not great. However, don’t forget the pop culture credibility you will gain from having seen it in the theater. Also, if you are dating a girl and you somehow feel she doesn’t think you are weird enough, take her to see this. It could be a good girl nerd coolness test.
Yesterday’s question, LexCorp versus Umbrella Corporation, is really interesting. I think that with Lex Luthor at the head I think LexCorp could probably beat a bunch of zombies. However, the faceless heads of Umbrella match him act for act when it comes to cold blooded. I think in the end it would be LexCorp, but it would be close. (Umbrella Corporation image courtesy of the Resident Evil t shirts category)
Continuing on that same thread, who would win: Umbrella Corporation verses Omni Consumer Products (Robocop)?
Movie Review: Paul
So last night I was going to see Limitless but screwed up on the times and had to see Paul. I have been looking forward to Paul for a long time, but don’t think it will make a good review as I expected it to be amazingly cool (which it was). I will try to see Limitless later this week. Also I just found out that Regal Jack London Square has extended $5 movie night to all day Sunday, so I am pretty sure I will see Sucker Punch this weekend and review it too. I can’t wait.
For those of you living in a cave and not at all familiar with nerd culture, Paul is the latest movie by British comedy greats and nerds Simon Peg and Nick Frost. If you have not seen Shawn of the Dead or Hot Fuzz stop reading RIGHT NOW and go rent them immediately. Then come back. You will be a better human being for having done so. (Winchester Tavern Shawn of the Dead image courtesy of the movie t-shirt category)
By the way, if you are a Simon Peg/Nick Frost fan be sure to check out Spaced, a BBC show about two flatmates (that’s British for roommates) that I happen to think is really funny. It’s a lot of fun.
Anyway, Paul is about two nerds from England who come to America to go to Comic Con and then tour famous UFO landing sites. In the middle of nowhere they pick up an alien named Paul and have to help him get away from the Secret Service. I’m not going to go into the plot too much more than that, since I don’t think I really need to. The best stories are the simplest. Along the way they pick up a girl, are chased by some Secret Service guys, and enjoy some Americana as seen through English eyes. Stuff blows up, alien hyjinx ensue, and at the end you get a cameo appearance by someone who will put a big smile on your face.
I really shouldn’t even bother with my usual rating system, as I will be struggling to find black holes. I will start off with the stars and see what pops up. First of all, the movie is freaking awesome in general. Two stars. All the characters are great, especially Paul. Two stars. The story is really cool. One star. The dialogue is well done. One star. Every actor delivers a decent or better performance. One star. It’s about nerds. Two stars. There are literally several hundred inside nerd jokes and references to other movies (like the hillbilly band in a hick bar playing a country western version of the Star Wars Cantina jingle). Two stars. The CGI for Paul was truly amazing. You really feel like there is an alien there. One star. In spite of the marketing seemingly directed at kids the movie is actually meant for adult nerds. One star. Simon Peg and Nick Frost. One star. It features the guys at Comic Con and remains very true to what I know to be the convention atmosphere (although it seemed a little uncrowded, if you know what I mean). One star. Total: 16 stars.
Now for the black holes. Umm. Hmmmm. Not a lot. I suppose I could give one for the occasional habit of devolving into Scooby Doo-like antics when it came to hiding Paul from the authorities. In a lesser film that sort of Three Stooges slapstick can wear thin pretty quick. One black hole. That’s pretty much it.
So grand total of 15 stars, my best score to date. Awesome movie. Not only do I recommend you see it, but in fact I beg you to see it in order to boost the movies revenue and therefore encourage Hollywood to give more money to Simon and Nick more money to keep making them. We need to support guys who make movies that don’t suck.
That’s it. Kind of short for one of my movie reviews, but the long ones are where I can bitch and find ton’s of black holes. Great movie, and in my opinion a very decent date movie. If you don’t see it you suck.
As for yesterdays who-would-win question, Lex Luthor versus Joker, I am going to have to go with Joker. Sure, Luthor is a genius and has the resources of Lexcorp, but the unpredictable nature of the Joker will mean he will come figure some way of getting to Lex that was completely unseen.
For today, I would say let’s keep going in this thread going but take it up in scale. Who would win: Lexcorp versus Umbrella Corporation?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 17: the first email
OK, last night at bad movie night we saw Unbreakable, which I actually like a lot, so I don’t feel the need to bitch about it. Back to the dating stuff.
You have filtered through a large number (I hope) of postings and used my advice to interpret some of the info and photos posted. You have selected one who seems interesting, attractive, and real (by that I mean she is likely an actual human being, not some Easter European scam artist or someone offering you money from a Nigerian prince. Use your brain. Why would a woman who looks like a super model need to find guys on a web site?). Time to send that critical first email. What to include in this magical missive?
The fact is, most women who are even remotely attractive will have their email inbox blow up like a 300lb guy stuffed into a size 6 wetsuit. The bottom line is you have to really stand out in some way, and do it within the first three lines of the email as if you have not she will stop reading. The easiest way to catch her interest is with a hot photo of yourself, but unless you have some major speech or personality disorder bordering on dysfunctional yet still look stunning I would be willing to bet you don’t have any of those based on the fact that you are reading this blog for dating advice and not working as an underwear model. However, know that a photo or lack thereof is the first filter most women use to separate the wheat from the chaff, so if you don’t send a picture you can more or less guarantee not hearing back from her.
Honestly, this is just another version of the pick up lines I talked about several months ago and you can readily apply most of those rules to this situation. I have found my best bet is to go with observational humor. Since you aren’t experiencing a common situation to observe you can only make a joke about the one thing you have any information on: her. Examine her listing and look for something unusual or odd that she has an interest in. Make a joke about it that is funny but not too mean. If you can crowbar in a depreciating comment about yourself that works too. This is a great move in that it shows her how funny you are and more importantly that you actually read her post and aren’t just spamming every human with two X chromosomes you can find. Here are a few examples (not necessarily good ones, but you can get the idea).
She says she likes water polo. You say “I tried water polo once but my horse died”
She loves dancing. “I love dancing, but I have to warn you I dance like a big white guy” This really only works if you are actually a big white guy.
She loves to cook. “I don’t cook much. The best thing I can make is a good reservation.” This works because if she really likes to cook she will want to cook for you. Never pass up on a free meal, especially at her place.
The last trip she took was to France. “Rumor has it there is a place in France where the ladies wear no pants. Would you care to comment?”
She says she loves cats. “I like cats quite a bit myself, but as a rule don’t date anyone who owns more than two.”
Anyway, you should get the idea. Even if she is kind of offended a little she will be intrigued by the bad boy who makes fun of her interests and want to meet you. Either that she will just delete your email in a huff and you are spared the pain of dating a humorless uptight prig.
Also be sure to say something about yourself, but not a lot. Remember that whole “Familiarity breeds contempt” rule I listed under opening conversations. That rule holds even more true here, as she will be making gross generalized assumptions about you based on minimal actual evidence. Here is an example of what I would consider a decent opening email.
“Hi (her name here). I saw your listing on (whatever dating site) and found it intriguing (<–this is a good word to use. Everyone likes to think they are intriguing). I noticed you are into (whatever hobby she listed here that you actually have tried or at least know a little about). I love (that hobby) as well. I also noticed that you like (whatever weird thing you are going to bag on). I once tried it but (insert witty joke here).
I am (insert marital status, orientation, race, age, and gender here, preferably in letter form such as SWM) and am into (whatever hobby doesn’t make you look like a weird introverted geek). I think it would be cool to chat and get to know you a little more. I have included a photo of me at (whatever event you took the photo of. I would say a relatives wedding usually works really well. Not a Star Trek convention). I am the one on the (side) wearing the (specific clothing). Let me know if you are interested. I can be reached by (email or IM service. No phone number or she will think you are a potential stalker). Talk to you soon.
(Your name here)
P.S. (Additional innocuous joke of some kind)”
That pretty much is the formula. Of course vary it a bit. Mix it up. Then, once you have sent that, go back to your dating service and send out about 20 more every day until you get a girlfriend, as odds are very high that you will never hear from her. However, if you send out 10,000 emails and get one girlfriend you are ahead of the game. Also, wrap this up by about 8pm and try to go out and meet a girl in person. Don’t get all (or more) introverted and agoraphobic.
That’s it for today. More on online dating tomorrow, unless I find something else to talk about.
Yesterday’s question, Jayne Cobb versus John McClane, has kind of thrown me for a loop as I happen to love both characters. Also I think they are really evenly matched. However, I believe Vera has both the range and the hitting power to outshoot the MP5 McClane had in Die Hard, so I am going to have to bet on Jayne in a close match. (Jayne image courtesy of the Firefly t shirts)
For today let’s get historical. As any fan of Fight Club knows, given any historical figure to fight Tyler Durden would chose to Abraham Lincoln. Who would win?
Movie Review: Drive Angry 3D
So like I said (threatened) yesterday I went to a late night showing the latest opus from Nicholas Cage, Drive Angry. Given the last Cage movie I saw and lambasted, Season of the Witch, I did not expect a lot and for the most this film met with my expectations. I got home, thought about writing it, and decided to sleep on it to see if the movie looked any better in the daylight.
Sadly, it did not. Don’t get me wrong. I love grindhouse. However, this movie feels less like true grindhouse and more like some Hollywood guys trying to either do a high budget tribute or parody of grindhouse. In either case it feels plastic and fake, like brown hair extensions on a redhead.
Also, remember when Nicholas Cage would act and actually deliver some level of emotion with his lines? Like in Raising Arizona, the Rock, Kiss of Death, 8MM, Valley Girl, or prelude-to-a-suicide Leaving Las Vegas? Right before doing Ghost Rider I think he was kidnapped and replaced with a robot who can simulate life but not quite deliver emotions. The lines “Coffee, black, with sugar”, “Ever heard of a place called Sweet Water?”,” and “I am going to kill you” are all delivered with the same monotone deadpan delivery that would work well for a 
sidekick or secondary character (especially if the sidekick was the computer voice from War Games) but which makes me think I could do a better job filming the movie using World of Warcraft toons as actors. For a movie called “Drive Angry” there doesn’t seem to be a lot of anger or any other emotion from the main character. (Murloco’s Taco’s image courtesy of the World of Warcraft t shirts)
That being said, there are elements I liked. Just not the story, acting, action, dialogue, or all but two of the characters.
Honestly, I think the synopsis will be the hardest part of this review for me to write as I spent the first 45 minutes of the films saying “What the hell is going on?” I appreciated a film that doesn’t reveal everything to us like we are ten year old short bus riders, but at some point you have to make an effort to give us a clue of what was going on. If I hadn’t read a blurb before the movie I would have been totally confused.
Anyway, Nicholas Cage plays John Milton who escapes from Hell in a hot car with a stolen gun called the God Killer a few years after being killed in some ill defined crime spree and is somehow unkillable. He is trying to save his infant grand daughter from being sacrificed by a Satanic cult leader (Billy Burke, one of the two characters I liked). He somehow convinces Zombieland hottie Amber Heard (playing the kick ass waitress Piper. Come to think of it, she actually has a lot of anger in her roll. Maybe she is supposed to balance out Mechano-Man Cage) to help him in her boyfriend’s stolen Charger. They are pursued by the other only character I liked, William Fichtner, who plays Hell’s repo man sent to collect Cage and bring him back (it is later revealed that he is actually a former Egyptian god who I will not name but you have seen on Stargate SG1). There is also a cool looking and sounding police captain who seemed to get a lot of character buildup and development and then fell off the screen like a lead seagull. They travel through Louisiana mixing it up with white trash kooks and local color. Car driving hijinx ensue, and there is a final battle scene not so much lifted as taken frame by frame from the car destroying the undead army scene in Army of Darkness.
OK, the stars. The opening and closing scenes with Cage driving to and from Hell are pretty cool. One star. There are four amazing muscle cars, including a 69 Charger and a beautiful Chevelle. Two stars. I will give a star for every totally gratuitous grindhouse style nude girl, so like two and a half stars. The Accountant from Hell (literally) was kind of cool. One star. The driving action, while over the top, was actually pretty cool and well filmed. One star. While headache inducing, the film was actually shot with 3D in mind and has some fairly cool things flying out of screen. I actually found myself jumping a couple times. One star. Total: 8.5 stars.
Now the black holes. Nicholas Cage acts like a Tweekie dealing with irritable bowl syndrome. Two black holes. The story kind of blows. On black hole. The dialogue blows. One black hole. As good as the driving sequences were (which was only moderately good) the fight scenes were horrible (at one point Cage kills about 20 guys while in coitus with a trampy waitress and doesn’t pull out until they are all dead. On the other hand, this is one of the nude scenes that netted them a star). I know grindhouse is supposed to be over the top, but this is just dumb. Hire a fight choreographer. Two black holes. For no explained reason whatsoever Cage’s character is not only unkillable but somehow heals himself from a gunshot wound in the eye. One black hole. For the life of me I cannot figure out where Pipers motivation to do anything but run screaming into the night comes from. One black hole. Total: 8 black holes.
So we end up with a net of 0.5 stars, which is very slightly higher than the review I gave for Cage’s last movie, Season of the Witch (where he also portrayed a character with less emotion than the suit of armor he was wearing). However, remember 2.5 stars come from my appreciation of rated R style nudity and 2 more from a love of American muscle cars. If you do not share these interests then it swings heavily towards the black hole end. Definitely not a date movie. Honestly, if you love driving action then I would say see it on a screen. On TV I don’t think it will really have the impact the big screen would have. If you miss it wait until you see it in the $4 bin at Best Buy (or the #2 bin at Walmart).
For yesterdays who-would-win question, Jayne Cobb versus Snake Plisskin, I think it is kind of situational. If Jayne had Vera and all the hardware he carried on a typical day of Firefly and Snake just had the gear he had in Escape from New York, I would have to bet on Jayne. On the other hand if Snake had his choice of weapons (or was armed like he was in Escape from LA) then I would bet on him. You can’t beat him in a gunfight, Bangkok style.
For today I will again go with Jayne, as I am in a Firefly mood. Who would win, Jayne Cobb (with Vera again) versus John McClane from Die Hard?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 16: interpreting photos
OK, this is the last one I am doing on this nuance of online dating. Not because I have run out of items to describe but more because it is starting to get kind of repetitive and honestly, by this time you should be able to figure these out yourself.
Girl surrounded by a huge pile of stuffed animals. Take whatever age she is and subtract 15 from it. This is OK if she is 40 but kind of problematic if she is 25. Also, I guarantee that she has a very protective daddy who is probably willing and capable of putting out a hit on you. I’d give this girl a 7.5 on the pain-o-meter to date.
Big coke bottle glasses. For both guy and girl, this actually translates into pretty cool to date. In both cases it usually means someone who is cool with their nerd lifestyle and doesn’t care enough to take pains for their appearance. Often times they are super nerdy, which in my mind translates into pretty cool. Also, girls who wear coke bottle glasses in photos in my experience are rarely fat. I don’t know what the deal is, but overweight women seem really inclined to take off their glasses for photos.
Doing something improbable and potentially dangerous. Skydiving, dirt bike riding, rock climbing, hang gliding, or other “extreme” sports. This is almost always a guy. Unless his title for his profile is something like “Live to rock climb” then he is trying to show the world what kind of a macho man he is. Odds are you can take however often he claims to do these things and divide it by about 20 to get the actual frequency (“I skate 3-4 times a week” = 182 times per year/20 = 9 times last year). Guys who actually do “extreme” sports on a regular basis rarely have to go online to meet women, as there are any number of hot low self esteem women willing to be treated like a doormat to be encountered all the time in their daily lives. If by some fluke you do meet a semi-pro skateboarder and feel dumb enough to date him you can look forward to having his shoes wiped on your back.
Lots of tattoos and/or piercings. If a guy this man has a serious F-you attitude towards life and people in general. Either he is serious and will likely end up (back) in prison or he is a poser and feels a lot of personal frustration that no one understands what kind of a rock star he secretly is. The best you can hope for is that this guy owns his own lame clothing company (something I know too much about) but odds are he works in an auto shop or something even more blue collar. If this is a girl than she has serious daddy issues and this is likely her revenge on her parents. The funny thing is they never seem to get enough and will keep getting revenge long after her parents pass. If she is pretty hot than there is a good chance she has been a stripper or should have been. If, however, you can get past all that they tend to be a lot of fun to hang out with and are fairly uninhibited, so given the opportunity I would date her. Just be ready for the inevitable drama. Also, in both cases you can glean some insight into their personality and intellectual ability by judging the subject matter, originality, cleverness, and spelling of the tattoos shown. As a general rule, if you see a misspelled word run away screaming.
Lots of guns. Again, mostly guys. This person is probably trying to make up for something, if you know what I mean, so if you have issues with larger junk than this would be the guy for you. Also, these guys tend to be weird conspiracy nuts, so you can look forward to hearing how the Rand Corporation really runs the country and how the second Kennedy gunman was actually an alien who traveled back in time to prevent him from nationalizing the phone companies. These guys tend to get turned on by shooting more or less harmless and inoffensive animals, so if you have any love of animals odds are you should steer clear. A real man would fight a bear with a knife, in my opinion (or just try to stay away from one).
That’s pretty much it for today, and more or less for this matter. Next time I do more dating I will talk about what to send on your first email to a girl online. However, today is Tuesday which means cheap movie night at my local theater. I’m afraid (literally) that I am going to have to see a late showing of the new Nicholas Cage film Drive Angry. It looks truly awful and I look forward to writing a burning review of it tomorrow, although I anticipate a long evening of pain for myself.
As for yesterdays question, the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds versus the nerds from Scooby Doo, I think this question is very situational. If the Revenge guys were trying to haunt an old amusement park so they could smuggle diamonds out of the state then I would have to bet on Scooby Doo. In almost every other situation I would have to bet on the Revenge guys, if only because they seem less unwilling to mix it up. (Adams Atoms shirt from Revenge of the Nerds shirt courtesy of the nerd t shirts category)
For today I ask the question of who would win, Jayne Cobb (with Vera) from Firefly against Snake Plisskin from Escape from New York?
