Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 15: interpreting photos
This will be my last post on photos for now, and it will be quick as I am going out to dinner with some friends. Let’s get into it.
Party photo. You know, the person in question sitting on a couch that looks like it was rescued from a toxic land fill surrounded by a bunch of poorly dressed losers and one guy in the background talking to the only hot girl in the place. Everyone has a beer in one hand and there is a bong on the table. That photo? This person, guy or girl, seriously wishes they were back in college still. Not that I blame them. There are many times I wish I were back in college. However, as for dating material this person will be kind of a drag and can’t really let go.
Person in photo hitting a bong. OK. You have hopefully read any number of these posts and my interpretations on photos. Hopefully you have gleaned a little skill in this area. Do I really need to explain this one to you? Let’s call it a pop quiz. I’m sure you can figure it out.
Person in Halloween costume. If this is a girl, odds are she is pretty cool and would make a great girlfriend, unless it happens to be a cat costume, in which case stay as far away from her as possible. Be aware, however, that masks and makeup can often hide some horrific blemish so if she is dressed like a witch and has no other photos up there is a pretty good chance the wart on her nose is not just good special effects. If it is a guy and he is dressed as something from comic books or science fiction odds are he is a pretty cool nerd (unless it’s something from Harry Potter, in which case I would say pull the rip cord). If he’s in something else use your best judgment. However, if he is dressed as a woman I guarantee he is an ex frat boy and likely in the closet as well.
Guy on a motorcycle. Ugh. Unless he is actually a Hell’s Angel odds are he is some kind of loser who wants desperately to be a bad boy. He probably drives a delivery truck for Coors and has a history of fairly abusive relationships. Also there is a very good chance he got the bike just because he knows it impresses dumb women. I’ve never seen a personal with a girl on a motorcycle, so I have no basis upon which to comment. My gut tells me she is probably pretty cool but likes to be in charge. If you have any info email it to me.
On a Vespa scooter. If a guy I can promise he is a hipster scooter guy, which can be both good or bad (or both). If he is gainfully employed it is likely to be good. If not it is probably bad. Either way, however, you had best have a high tolerance for pretension and crappy garage bands. If this is a girl either she is the female, albeit somewhat cooler and more tolerable, version of the hipster scooter guy or she loves Italy and has fantasies of living there. Either way she is probably pretty cool and worth going out with, as long as you like to travel.
I gotta get going, so I lied and will actually post one more on pictures tomorrow. I’m actually having a lot of fun with this particular topic. As for yesterdays who-would-win question, Jack Burton versus Buckaroo Banzai, first of all let me say I hope it never would come down to this as these two are both great and I truly hope they never have to cross swords. That being said, I am going to have to bet on Buckaroo Banzai, but it wouldn’t be close. He just seems more ready to deal with weird situation. (Pork Chop Express (from Big Trouble in Little China) image courtesy of the many nerd t shirts)
For today I ask a true nerd question: who would win, the crew from Revenge of the Nerds versus the gang from Scooby Doo?
Dundracon, Vegas, and Valentines Day
I’m going to rush this out as I have a ton of things to do today. I wanted to give everyone an update as to what is going on lately.
First of all, I will not be writing anything tomorrow as I will be having a miserable time in Las Vegas at the t-shirt trade show. Actually, it is a very tiny corner of a much larger clothing show. I am going to look at new t-shirts, try to wrangle some better discounts out of my vendors, and to give the guy who I am in a lawsuit with the creeps (anyone who subscribes to my commercial web site newsletter has heard that story). I used to spend more than two weeks a year in Vegas, and believe me when I say if you don’t drink a lot, gamble, or engage the services of sexual professionals it really is painfully boring. I try to keep my time there to a minimum. Consequently I will be leaving here about 5am and getting home about 11. Hence no time for blogs. (Hangover Vegas shirt courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
Actually, I wish I had the kind of luck it takes to win a gambling, but I traditionally lose money at a fairly steady rate. My curse is I am good enough at math to know that I will probably not win anything but not good enough at math to be really good at gambling. It just always struck me as kind of dumb to play games in a multi-million dollar building built entirely from the profits on gambling.
This weekend we have our first show of the year, the illustrious Dundracon in lovely San Ramon, CA. It is a gaming convention, with all the nerdish whimsy and wonder associated with that. I will have a booth set up on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday so if you are a gamer and in the Bay Area come down and say hi. If the new (super cute) girl I hired is working out well enough on Saturday (alas, Winter has moved to the bowels of Arizona) I will probably play in the Warhammer tournament on Sunday. Also, if you are kind of a peripheral nerd and haven’t really committed to the nerd lifestyle, this is a great opportunity to see what the REAL nerds are like. Just because you have a bad haircut and work as a programmer does not qualify you as a nerd (you could easily be a hipster). This convention is like drinking bottled spring water all your life and then one day traveling to the actual mountain spring for a sip of the purest water you’ve ever had in your life. If you consider your study of nerds more of a cultural anthropological experience than a convention like this is where Jane Goodall would have set up her observation post.
Finally, today is Valentine’s Day, and as a nerd who gives other nerds advice on dating it seems appropriate that I say a few words. Normally I would rant and rave about a fake holiday created by Hallmark as an opportunity to schlock greeting cards that has the added effect of making all single people feel like the lowest forms of loser life on the planet, but the bile just isn’t in me today as I actually have a wonderful girl to have dinner with tonight. Like any sellout turncoat I have jumped into V-Day with both feet and waiting on my kitchen counter right now are a dozen long stem red roses (I hope she doesn’t read this blog before I pick her up).
However, I should offer some advice to those of you who don’t have someone to go out with. Hmm. First of all, you missed your opportunity. Women were looking for guys to date for Valentine’s day about a month ago. No one wants this day to be like the third date. Also, single women will as a rule shut themselves in and bar the door to avoid the painful sight of happy couples on what is effectively the Superbowl for women. Therefore, if you had the concept of going out and trying to meet someone (on this day more accurately called “doing the buzzard”) then really, don’t waste your time.
The best thing you can do is find an anti-Valentine’s party (I have been to many) and hope to get really hammered. However, those things are like bitterness magnets, so odds are you will feel worse leaving than entering.
My advice to you would be to follow suite with the sane women out there and shut yourself in. Order a pizza (hopefully delivered by an even more pathetic and bitter single loser than you) and play video games until your eyes bleed. Trust me. Griefing people online is a remarkable balm for the gaping hole where your heart should be.
Then, first thing tomorrow morning, wake up with a new attitude, re-read all my dating advice blog posts, and jump back into the fray. I sincerely wish you all the best of luck.
Movie review: Twilight Eclipse
OK, I admit this is not the first movie I would have chosen to see. Also, I know that this movie came out months ago, but here’s the deal. The girl I am currently seeing more or less strong armed me into watching this opus, and given that I have picked pretty much everything else we have seen together I owed her one.
To be fair, this is a movie series I should at least be familiar with. It has vampires and werewolves, two areas that until this series more or less was hijacked by the teeniebopper sub (sub) culture was exclusively goth nerd fare. It is a pop culture phenomenon and if I want to keep my title as self proclaimed aficionado I need to at least watch one of them. She originally planned to show me the first Twilight, but picked it up from a Red Box and accidentally got Eclipse. I had nothing to do with it as I told her I would passively watch it while making snarky comments but would not personally contribute to that franchises cash flow.
First of all, it wasn’t completely painful. I liken it more to an extended teeth cleaning by an overly enthusiastic dental technician as than the full on root canal by a marginally trained orangutan that I expected. We’ll have to see how the stars (star?) and black holes play out, but it wasn’t as bad as I expected. My friend said that the first Twilight was far worse and therefore funnier, but such as it is, this thing wasn’t actually physically painful.
First, the plot. Bella (Kristen Stewart), the sort-of hot but painfully bland (both in looks, personality, and acting) is about to graduate from high school and as a graduation gift wants Edward (Robert Pattinson), her vampire boyfriend, to turn her into one one of the living dead. Edward, who somehow manages to maintain a facial expression that makes him look like he is dealing with a painful bowel obstruction for the entirety of the movie no matter what he is doing, wants her to “live” a little in spite of the fact that she is still a virgin (a fact painfully and forcefully delivered in the most awkward father/daughter scene ever filmed) and seems dead on the inside. He lives with a bunch of other vampires in some kind of club or something where they all feel the need to bleach their hair blond while maintaining massive caterpillar-like black eyebrows. He and his buddies apparently don’t drink human blood (?), and the way you can tell is their eyes are yellow, while human blood drinkers eyes are red. Apparently human blood comes with red colored contact lenses. Meanwhile, Jacob, one of several hundred muscular, shirtless teenage boys who are some kind of werewolves (or maybe Native American shapeshifters. The story seems a little vague on this) that all have matching bad fake tattoos that look they were drawn on with a Sharpie is somehow her other love interest. From what I hear, Edward dumped Bella at some point and left her in the woods. Jacob came through as a true friend and bailed her out. Then, when Edward resurfaced later she gave him a classic “let’s be friend’s speech” and jumped back on board with Count Eyebrows.
For a really weak script and two dimensional story, this recount already makes it seem terribly complicated. Anyway, Bella manages to prove herself the cruelest bitch I have ever seen by dragging both Edward and Jacobs hearts through the mud. Some other red headed vampire chick shows up who hates Edward and Bella. Vampire and werewolf battle hijinx ensue. Werewolves team up with good vampires to fight bad vampires, who are for the most part innocent kids pulled into the evil vampires plot and generally slaughtered. There are a couple scenes where the father of one of the kids shows up looking for the son that is destined to get butchered by Edward later on in the movie. Somehow, in spite of the other vampires being stronger than the good ones not a single good vampire or werewolf manages to get killed. In fact, the worst injury appears to be a bad bruise. The movie ends with final resolution of any given episode of a soap opera.
OK, the stars. The werewolves were pretty cool, in spite of mediocre CGI. One star. There were a couple origin story flashback that were kind of cool and broke up the brain damaged Bella/Edward/Jacob love triangle story. One star. The fight choreography was decent. One star. Hmm. Honestly, that’s all I can think of. Three stars total.
Now the black holes. The story. One black hole. The acting. Two black holes. I should give it one black hole for each time they managed to find an excuse to show Jacob or his many buddies without a shirt on, but will hold myself to one black hole. The werewolves have apparently bioengineered a strain of tree in the Pacific Northwest that grows cargo shorts that dissolve into thin air every time they transform. One black hole. Bella is possibly the most ineffective female lead I have ever seen in any movie ever. She is entirely helpless and her only single act during the entirety of the movie is to cut her own arm to distract a vampire with her blood (did I mention that Bella apparently has the blood equivalent of Captain Crunch to vampires?). She does more to damage woman’s advocacy and rights than the guy who invented the chastity belt. Two black holes. One black hole for each of the guys in the movie who lets her treat them like crap and totally disregard and disrespect their feelings and never calls her to account for it, so two black holes for both the sackless Edward and Jacob. The fight scenes were shockingly hard to follow as the wardrobe director decided the thing both good and bad vampires needed to wear was black hoodies. One black hole. Vampires sparkling in daylight instead of burning up. One black hole. A movie about vampires that features less actual blood shown than a typical episode of the Bachelor (did I also mention that vampires, when injured, actually have no blood and shatter like quartz? No joke. Tear off a vampires head and he looks like you just dropped a ceramic vampire cookie jar). Two black holes. Holes in the plot that strained my suspension of disbelief like a size 2 girdle on a 400 pound man (at one point the evil vampire army goes on a killing spree through Seattle that somehow doesn’t result in 100,000 FBI agents showing up. Things like this). One black hole. The wolves, while huge and cool, were completely crap CGI. One black hole. Total: 15 black holes.
So with that we get a total of 12 black holes. A miserable score, but I don’t really feel like my time was TOTALLY wasted. There is something that makes you want to watch it (kind of like slowing down to see a traffic accident). I would probably been more generous if I were in high school and a girl. I could understand seeing this to appease a girl you are dating and, since that is how I saw it, I still feel somewhat manly. I also made her watch a few episodes of Firefly afterward in order to recapture some machismo.
For the who would win, aquatic wimp Aquaman versus moronic macho man Beef Supreme from Idiocracy, I think as long as it was done on dry land I would have to go with the Beefer. Monster truck + flamethrower = win. In water obviously Aquaman would have the advantage. (Brawndo image courtesy of the funny t shirts category)
For today I ask a simple question: who would win, Slimer from Ghostbusters versus Casper the Friendly Ghost. Bye for now.
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 7: translating online post speak into English
This post I will translate what people claim to do for a living into real language, as well as comment on what you can expect if you date this person. Before I get into this understand that, at least for men, people with high paying jobs or who are wealthy really have no need to go to a dating site to meet women, so if there is someone claiming to be a doctor or stockbroker probably has some serious issues along the lines of lost his fact in a tragic belt sanding accident. If you are looking to meet a doctor, go to a hospital.
Teacher. For some reason I have dated a lot of teachers (what did your mom do for a living, Dave? Thank you, Dr. Freud), although not so much lately. They tend to be pretty stable, with few annoying habits and plenty of free time on weekends and summer. They also have no gray area when it comes to kids; either they love them or hate them. When a teacher posts online it typically means they are sick of dating other teachers, so if you are one best you should move on. For men, this guy usually falls into the hates kids camp. However, they tend to be pretty reliable, loyal, and while they don’t have a lot of money coming in should be able to one day buy a house and retire. For women they also tend to be the same, except they all inevitably “love to travel” and once in a while you will meet one who is a freak in bed. Something about having to be so proper all day, I guess.
Medical Professional. This is a term people use to try to trick you into thinking they are a doctor. They are not. Doctors say doctor. This person is at best a nurse, probably an orderly of some kind or at worse the guy who mops up the bio-hazardous waste or works in the kitchen. Sometimes pharmacy. The thing about being in the medical profession without being a doctor is you tend to get your ego punched in the stomach every day by pretentious, overbearing doctors, so if you are looking for someone you can dominate in a relationship this might be the person for you. Also, most of them hate doctors, so whatever your lame job is it will probably look more appealing. For women this person is usually a nurse, so you can expect to talk a lot about either sex or disgusting work stories involving having to clean up something truly repulsive or changing an adult diaper or bedpan. On the other hand, they tend to be pretty horny. For guys this is more often an orderly, which is the medical equivalent of a pizza deliver guy except they don’t make tips.
Medical examiner. The one exception to the no-doctors-online rule is the medical examiner. I’ve never met a female one, so I will not comment on what it is like to go out with one. From what I have seen second hand male mortician actually tend to know some of the funniest jokes you have ever heard, especially if you like gallows humor. If you have a darker side, love vampires or zombies, and/or want to creep out your friends by all means date this guy.
Lawyer. Lawyers are interesting. Usually they are so busy with work that you will be lucky to see them one evening a week, if that. They also, for the most part, hate their job and life but spent so much money on school that they cannot afford to do anything else. For women this seems especially true, as I have dated a few and they all feel frustration about their life. They also tend to have little interests outside of work and working out, so whenever I date one it tends to be a painful struggle to find something to talk about beyond the whole trying-to-remain-true-to-your-nerd-self-while-talking-to-a-woman thing. For men this never, ever means a rich corporate law guy. This is usually a public defender or ambulance chaser. I don’t date men, so I can’t comment too strongly on this, but from what I have seen these tend to not be the most loyal on the planet. On the other hand even a poor lawyer can afford a nice evening out.
Business owner. Take it from a business owner, this is never a Fortune 500,000 company. For men, the best case scenario is a guy who has his own tech service fixing computers and networks. These guys tend to be pretty geeky and therefore fun to date if you are a geek, but they also tend to work a lot, especially at night. At worst this guy owns a failing Play it Again Sports and is a few months away from going back to work as a sanitation engineer. In either case the problem with these guys is there will be good months and bad months. One month he will be rolling in dough and the next eating Top Ramen. For women this somehow always ends up being owning a bead shop somewhere. Don’t ask me why. They tend to be kind of fun and have more free time than guys who own shops, but they also tend to be pretty uninclined to hit the gym, if you know what I mean.
Of course, it goes without saying that if the business owner happens to be a guy with a website that sells nerd t-shirts and writes a hilarious dating advice blog than he is not only fun and entertaining, but also sexy and virile as hell. You should probably sleep with him as soon as possible.
That’s it for now. More tomorrow. By they way, I just reread my last post and think it’s one of the best I have written, so if you didn’t read it go back and do so.
For the last posts who-would-win, I would have to bet on the half squad of Stormtroopers beating the full squad of Sandmen. Better combat training (although Stormtroopers seem to be missing the part of their training that would teach them to hide behind cover or maybe even duck down), better weapons, and better armor. Not to mention they are about 1,000 times cooler. The numerical superiority of a full squad of Sandmen would not make up for that. (Stormtrooper image courtesy of the Star Wars t shirt category)
For today the question I cross genres to ask who would win, Donkey Kong versus Mecha-Godzilla?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 6: translating online post speak into English
Yet more odeak translations. I seem to have a never ending supply of these.
“Social drinker.” Unfortunately this is a suspiciously vague term. It can easily mean someone who has a drink while out on a Friday night, or a glass of wine with a nice dinner. The problem is no one is ever going to put “Alcoholic” in their profile and will usually default to this term, so it can also be a prelude to Leaving Las Vegas. You will have to dig deeper.
“Love to party!” For a girl this is just what it says. She gets bored easily and wants to hit a different club every night. Expect all kinds of fun and exciting adventures of the “and then I wrapped my car around a tree” variety. The good news is you will never have to have a serious discussion with her about your feelings. The bad news is she will probably get bored of you pretty easily and run off with a guy with a better car. For guys, this usually is a code word for alcoholic or drug addict.
“Love to dance!” Most women love to dance, so this is a bit of a catch phrase. Honestly, don’t read too much into it, unless it is combined with “Love to Party” in which case there is a pretty good chance she is a stripper. Most men hate dancing, so if a guy uses this it probably means he is kind of a phony and trying to impress women. If he honestly likes dancing double check to make sure you aren’t actually in the “Men seeking Men” category. If he is strait and claims this to be honest you are required to test it to the max by dragging him to every dance club within 20 miles to see if he has the stamina and can actually dance.
“Love sports.” If this is a woman, it is very likely she grew up with multiple older brothers and is kind of a tom boy. This is great, but be aware that she is probably both willing and capable of kicking your ass. This can also be the phony equivalent of a guy claiming to love dancing, so if you meet her and she seems kind of girly ask her if she knows how many points a touchdown is worth (6, for those of you who don’t actually follow sports). If this is a man than this guy has burned out multiple women in his dating history by choosing sports over his relationship and is desperately hoping to meet a girl who will sit there quietly watching football with him and get him the occasional beer.
“Love to travel.” For both men and women this is the equivalent of a station identification. It really means nothing. Everyone loves to travel. However, be aware that both men and women who travel by themselves or with one or two friends of the same gender are generally going to other countries to have casual sex with foreigners (or locals, depending on how you look at it). I would find out what countries the person has traveled to with what people and compare it to this article on Dating Guys and Girls in Foreign Countries. If a guy tells you he loves to visit Thailand or Brazil make him wear two condoms. If a girl tells you France or Italy you do the same.
“Very sensual.” I’ve never seen a guy use this description, but this is usually code speak for women that means really horny. This is great, but be aware that this is often a phrase used by prostitutes and people that want to spam you with sex site emails, so be aware. Women can more or less assume all guys are really horny.
“Really into my work.” For women this can often be translated into “I work too many hours and am feeling frustrated by my personal life. My biological clock is ticking away and in order to be a complete person I need to have a child as well as be wildly successful in my career.” If you date her you can expect a lot of scheduling conflicts and hassles getting her alone, but when you do she will probably jump your bones. If a guy uses this phrase he is probably married and looking for a mistress. Expect a lot of booty calls.
“In graduate school working on my masters or PhD.” Find out what field. If it’s business, law, or something technical than cool. If it is something in humanities than expect to have him or her never be gainfully employed. Also, if this is a second or more post-graduate degree he or she is working on than odds are this person is a perpetual student and in addition to never getting a real job has probably never had a real job.
That’s it for today. Tomorrow I will talk about specific jobs and careers on profiles and what they translate into.
Yesterday’s question, Sandmen versus Red Shirts, is a puzzler. The fact is the Red Shirts are actually trained for combat, while the Sandmen are trained to hunt down single people running away with a red crystal flashing on the palm of their hand. However, Red Shirts are the Three Stooges of combat, and tend to die with alarming regularity. I will have to bet on the Sandmen. (Red Shirt image courtesy of the Star Trek Red t shirt category).
Today I will shift from Star Trek and ask what would happen if a squad of Sandmen went against half a squad of Stormtroopers from Star Wars. Who would win?
Movie Review: The Green Hornet
OK, I admit I have been holding back on seeing this movie because I was hoping to bring a certain girl with me. Last night it happened and we had fun, although I don’t know where the whole dating thing is going, so I will have to see. I am sure one way or another it will turn into a future blog post for you folks. I do like the girl a lot so I am very hopeful.
So I saw the Green Hornet last night in 3D. I normally would have not seen it so as 3D often gives me a headache, but I wanted to see this movie at it’s best potential in hopes that the 3D effect would greatly enhance the experience. Sadly, it did not. The movie is, honestly, no better for being in 3D and truly the 3D effects are not really all that great. I think the producers just went with brand X of 3D rather than the premium brand. It looks like it was filmed in 2D and had 3D added in post production.
Anyway, the synopsis. Seth Rogan loses about 80 pounds to play Britt Reid, the spoiled decadent son of a rich newspaper owner. His father, in the about 30 seconds he was alive and on the screen, is a controlling, abusive jerk who somehow is still cool with funding Britt’s extravagant hedonistic lifestyle instead of cutting him off and making him work for a living like a responsible parent would. His two interactions with Britt mostly involve telling him what a loser and disappointment he is. He dies, Britt inherits everything, and Britt meets Kato (Jay Chao), his father’s mechanic and apparent martial arts expert. They accidentally rescue some couple from trouble, decide to become superheros while pretending to be villains (???), Britt takes over his father’s empire Beverly Hillbillies style, they run across the world worst criminal kingpin (the great Christopher Waltz, from Inglorius Bastards, and the only character in the movie I remotely liked), and chaos ensues. Guns, explosions, car chases, and every attempt to make the LAPD look like complete morons follow course (I guess Seth Rogans years of ducking the police while trying to score pot played a hand in the script writing). Cameron Diaz shows up in a completely unnecessary role as the super hot temp worker (how many of those do we run into every day?) who happens to have degrees in Journalism and Criminal Justice and plays yet another comic relief character.
I say another comic relief character but the fact is they were all comic relief characters. What this movie needed was an action relief character. Honestly, the super hero in a comic movie should not be the funny one. His side kick should be. Instead, Britt was a moron throughout the film showing no ability in any regard to actually be a hero other than having a capable assistant and being freakishly lucky. His main plan sucked like Hitler’s to invade Russia, and all his lesser plans sucked too. Kato was supposed to be the straight man, I guess, but he couldn’t help but be funny as well. Cameron Diaz was eye candy if you are into waifish blond women and was funny too. Even the villain, who started out kind of serious, got to be a joke by the end when he decided the thing to do to fight a super hero was to become some kind of campy super villain. Enough with the humor. Is it so much to ask that super hero movies at some level take the story at all seriously? I found myself not rooting for anyone in the movie. I didn’t want to see the Green Hornet fail and die, but honestly couldn’t be bothered to care if he lived and succeeded.
Lets do the stars. Super hero movie. One star. The Green Hornets car is truly amazing and bad ass, even without the machine guns and stuff. Two stars. They shot some of Kato’s fight scenes using a cool “inside his mind’s eye” technique that was pretty neat. One star. While the story kind of sucked, most of the dialogue was pretty good. One star. In spite of wanting an action movie there were scenes and dialogue that made me laugh out loud. One star. They didn’t try to baby up the story by having the heroes operate under the burden of never killing anyone. One star. Cameron Diaz was pretty hot. One star. The fight choreography was decent, and they paid tribute to Bruce Lee by having Kato repeat the famous “One Inch Punch.” One star. Cinematography, sets, props, and special effects were all at least good. One star. Total: 10 stars.
Now the black holes. There was no understanding of any single characters motivation at any level. Britt had no real compulsion to become a super hero. Kato didn’t need to be his sidekick. The villain did all kinds of things that made no sense. Two black holes. The story had gaping holes in the plot you could drive a Mack truck through. One black hole. The 3D was mediocre and added nothing to the movie. One black hole. The characters were yucking it up for laughs the whole time. One black hole. The “hero” was a spoiled little moron with all the abilities of a hydroponically grown hemp plant. One black hole. The whole script was trying to seamlessly merge Batman Returns with the Three Stooges meet Frankenstein. One black hole. About half the action strained my suspension of disbelief so much I think it gave it a double hernia. One black hole. Total: 9 black holes.
So a net of one star. Overall I’d say the movie was stupidly entertaining, but only if you don’t expect to get much from it. You and your life will not in any way be enhanced for having seen it, so if you have two hours and a few excess brain cells to kill go for it. Otherwise go see the other color/animal movie out there, Black Swan.
As for last posts who-would-win question, prom superstar Carrie versus super hot teen queen Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I am going to have to go with Buffy. While Carrie has great abilities and an awesome dress, the fact is Buffy has beaten any number of villains with similar or greater powers. Sorry, Carrie (image courtesy of the horror movie t shirt category).
As long as I am in the mode of girl on girl fights, I present the question of who would win, Buffy the Vampire Slayer versus Xena, Warrior Princess?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating Part 2-More Pros and Cons
OK, I know I haven’t posted a lot recently, but the fact is I have spent the last five days fixing mistakes made by other people. I don’t want to get into it except to say that it really sucked. Anyway, let’s have more fun discussing the pros and cons of online dating.
Pro: given time to consider your words you can avoid blurting out something really stupid or inappropriate. Most of us have said dumb things without thinking in our lifetime. I have found I tend to sound better and smarter if I have even a couple seconds to consider my words before pressing send. Even IM seems smoother that way.
Con: if you are illiterate or like to wRiTE liKE ThiS you will look like a moron. Yes, spell check is great but if you lack basic spelling and grammar skills you can really look stupid. Also, that wanna be gangster mixed upper/lower case writing is the online equivalent of tying to impress a girl by covering yourself with paste and rancid meat (and being a moron). I don’t care if you have seen girls do it. Trust me, you will never get anywhere with those girls, and you don’t have to be a guy to be brain-damagingly stupid.
Pro: you can meet people who share your interests. Yes, if there is a girl out there who shares your love of 14th century bardisches, Snorky from the Banana Splits, or debating the eternal Captain Kirk/Captain Pecard argument (Kirk, IMO) this is the place to find her. Unfortunately, any girl who lists anything remotely nerdish or cool will have her email box filled by other nerds so fast her laptop may melt down.
Con: your specific interests may well repulse the majority of women out there. I play Warhammer and love it. However, as much as my dream would be to date a girl who plays it this is the last thing I would list on my profile as I know the vast majority of the girls out there would take one look at it and say “What is this guy into? He must be some kind of dork, playing with toy soldiers.” There is the cool, sexy nerd (you know, the hipster teck geek. Die hipster scum) and then there is the just plain old nerd. You need to seem to be in the first camp to intrigue a girl online. Try to find a girl who is willing to to help you and tell her what you are considering listing as interests. If she at any point wrinkles her nose and says “really?” dump that item.
Pro: you can claim to be into things that you have done once or twice in your life. Ever been on a pony ride at a carnival? Then you could claim to be into horseback riding. Completed a paint-by-numbers painting of a kitten? Then you are both artistic and into animals. Again, I don’t recommend out-and-out lying, but as long as you are ready to reap the whirlwind when she finds out your passion for ballroom dancing is derived from dancing with your mom at your sisters wedding, then go nuts.
Con: she can (and probably will) do the same thing. Trust me, this plays both ways and if something seems to good to be true, it probably is. If she claims to match your passion for Star Trek that most likely means she watched a couple episodes with her brother years ago. Girl Trek fans exist, but unless she lists it on her profile unsolicited she is probably trying hard to match up to your level of geek.
Pro: you can do it from your home. If the burden of bathing, dressing, and grooming weighs very heavily on you, you could theoretically pull it off from the comfort of your desk chair and never have to put any effort into it at all. This is a horrible idea and I highly UNRECOMMENDED this. However, it remains a pro.
Con: if you are prone to being anti social, this will only make it worse. If you feel intimidated talking to women trying to meet them online will only aggravate your condition. The only way to really get over being shy is to force yourself to get out of the house and talk to women.
I think that’s it. Next dating post I will either get into understanding other posts or writing your own. Not sure which is better. I think understanding posts would be funnier, though, so I am inclined to head that way.
As for the whole Wolverine vrs Freddy Kruegar question, it is interesting and boils down to actual powers. If Freddy can attack adults and just chooses kids than he would be highly competitive with Logan. On the other hand, if Wolverines healing powers can fix damage done in dreams than Freddy could never actually kill him. I think I am going to call this one a draw (Blood and Steel image courtesy of the Wolverine t shirts).
I am kind of into horror movie, so for today I post the question of who would win, telekinetic introverted high school hero (in my opinion) Carrie versus champion of the popular good looking kids Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating Part 1-Pros and Cons
So there’s this whole new trend towards meeting people online (welcome to 1999 Dave) and you would think that nerds would take to it like a zombie to a fresh brains buffet. However, it seems like the whole social awkwardness nerds experience in real life transmits pretty clearly online, so I think it a subject worthy of my attention.
The fact is, I am not really a fan of online dating and am not especially good at it. Fortunately my best friend is the Grand Master of Online Dating and I will be delving deep into his experience for this. I don’t know how he does it, but he can post something on any site on the planet and get inundated with responses from cool, hot girls. He has the talent. I get all the nutballs.
So I will start off with a list of pros and cons for online dating. This might take a couple posts to go through so rather than listing all the pros then all the cons I think it will be more amusing if I alternate them (since this blog is mostly for my own amusement I think this fair).
Pro: You get exposed to thousands of women across the country. Yes, this is like going to the worlds largest single party and no one has a drink to fling in your face for having the temerity for daring to speak to them.
Con: You get exposed to thousands of women across the country. If you are not particularly adept at talking to women via email and IM this could potentially be the opportunity for the ego beat down of a life time. Nothing like being rejected by hundred women a day via email to make you want to suck on your car exhaust pipe for an hour. If you are especially sensitive maybe you should limit yourself to a few a day and/or treat the whole thing like a training experience. On the other hand, if you need to build up your tolerance to rejection this could be the vehicle to make it happen.
Pro: you can mask your obvious defects. If you are grossly obese, or have a weird growth on one side of your face, or are prone to frequent and fragrant flatulence, have bad halitosis, or some other genetic or lifestyle issue you can hide it with clever photography and descriptive prose. While I don’t recommend you lie about stuff, there is a phenomenon I experience when dealing with sales people (or am doing my day job as a sales rep) known as “Finding the positive.” In other words, mention your creative streak and love of indy film in glowing terms while mentioning your Richter Scale worthy facial tic only casually, if at all.
Con: the women you are talking about can mask their obvious defects. Yes, if there is one thing I have learned with online dating, it is that all women have some photo wherein the lighting, clothing, angle, and planetary alignment is in perfect synchronicity to deliver an amazing photo. Later on I will do a post translating Internet Dating Speak into English, but you have to assume no one really looks like their photo. In my defense, I usually put up a less appealing photo in hopes that the girl will be pleasantly surprised, but it seems no one else feels compelled to do the same.
That’s it for tonight, as it is 8:30 on a Friday night and I want to pretend I have some kind of social life. I will do more pros and cons next time, although I am planning to see the Green Hornet this weekend and will probably do a review for it next.
As for our who would win question from last post, super evil biotech company Umbrella Corporation verses super evil consumer products company Omni Consumer Products, I think it would be close but in the end I would bet on OCP. The fact is a single ED209 should be able to kill about 10,000 zombies, even the upgraded ones. Headshots are not really critical when you more or less can dismember someone from a great distance. The only chance Umbrella would have would be if they could infect Robocop with the t-virus and turn him into Robozombiecop. Even then he would forget how to use his gun and would probably go down. OCP is pretty much it for me (Umbrella Corp image courtesy of the Resident Evil t shirt category).
Movie review: Highlander the Quickening with Planet Zeist scenes
So I thought we were going to see Highlander the Quickening and then a reel of some of the horrible planet Zeist stuff, but it turns out that my friend actually found a laser disk copy of the original release with all the scenes placed properly in it’s correct place. It was an evening of agony, and I have to write about it.
Here’s the deal. I saw Highlander the Quickening it it’s abridged version back in 1991 in a theater and thought it kind of sucked then. Age has not softened my opinion about it. However, it turns out that when the movie was being filmed in Argentina the company that financed it (insurance, I guess) was really worried about losing money on it (a legitimate concern, based on the final edited product) and somehow, in the worst contract in movie history, gained creative control and forced in an entirely different sub plot into the movie involving a failed rebellion on a distant planet called Zeist. Let’s just say the movie, which already sucked like an undertow, took a turn for the stupid surreal. It’s like the plot died a horrible death in its first incarnation and the the evil scientist (played by the insurance company) resurrecting it as a zombie to stumble around the screen spewing bile and embalming fluid all over the screen before stumbling off to suck somewhere else.
Here is how I picture the movie in my role of King of Analogies. Back in high school I used to get a two pack of twinkies. I would take a straw and suck all the filling out of one of them through the holes in the bottom. Then I would fill it back up with ketchup. I would go up to one of my friends and start eating the good one while saying “Hey man, want a twinkie?” This movie is like getting the bad twinkie, but instead of ketchup it’s filled with a mix of Ex-lax and epecac, so you end up spewing chunks out at both ends. Not really so much painful as just disgusting and disappointing.
Sigh. Here is the plot summary. It is the far off year of 1999 and the ozone layer is more or less destroyed. Connor MacLeod, with the help of a guy who looks like an escaped garden gnome without the hat, invent the Shield, which covers the entire earth and protects it from the ultraviolet radiation. Flash forward to 2024. The earth is now super hot and wet all the time for being trapped inside the Shield, which is under the control of a multinational evil company call the Shield Corporation which apparently generates profit just by existing. MacLeod is now a decrepit old man but still has the Fabio-style haircut. He goes to an opera and during a scene falls asleep (or has an acid trip) and suddenly we hear his old headless buddy Ramirez’s voice and see the words “500 Years Ago on Planet Zeist.” No joke. Really, that is what happens. Ramirez and Highlander are the leaders of a revolution against the evil General Katana (wait a minute! Didn’t MacLeod carry a katana in the last movie? Was this an tribute to the first movie or just really lazy writing? I would bet on the latter). They get captured, mainly because they seem to be fighting against an army that has heavy artillery and are themselves carrying swords. The rest of their friends get killed, but for some bizarre reason rather than just executing them Katana allows the local priesthood to transport them to Earth and make them immortal.
Wait a minute. Their “punishment” is to be immortalized and transported to Earth in order to compete from “the Prize?” Also didn’t the first movie start off with MacLeod as a young man with the Clan MacLeod with relatives and everything? Also, at one point Katana calls him Highlander, which in the first movie was pretty clearly a reference to being from the Scottish Highlands. Does that mean he was from the Highlands of Zeist and then coincidentally landed in the only place on earth also called the Highlands with no memory of his extraterrestrial life? Also, he and Ramirez were friends on Zeist but had to reintroduce themselves to each other in Earth? Bear with me, gentle reader. It will all make sense in the end (not).
Anyway, in a move ripped straight from the Evil Villain Handbook of Stupid Moves, Katana sends two morons to try to kill MacLeod, who is more or less content to grow old and die. MacLeod kills one, gets young again, and kills the other in a really stupid battle in spite of the fact that it involves a hoverboard. Meanwhile, there is some sub plot about how the ozone layer is back and the Shield Corporation (with evil CEO played by John McGinley from Scrubs) is just keeping it up to maintain their profits. The romantic love interest is fighting against the Shield Corp (ever heard of a subpoena?), finds MacLeod, and they hook up. Ramirez (yes, played by Sean Connery. I don’t think it coincidence that the two movies that I have despised the most on this blog have both starred him) is resurrected in Scotland through the magic of the Quickening and the Shield, where he steals a prop sword and trades a single pearl earring for something like $40,000 worth of clothing, transportation, and I guess a fake passport. Sword fights happen, security mooks from the Shield Corp prove to be Stormtrooper accurate and die by the bushel, and General Katana (Michael Ironside) appears to be the villain behind a plot that has no reason to exist. He also wrecks a subway car full of children by having it go in excess of 500 mystery units per hour into a brick wall while channeling Ozzy from Crazy Train. It all boils down to a final sword fight that looks like it was actually an edited down version of two different fights, since MacLeod’s sword keeps going from evil looted blade to Ramirez’s old katana and back again. Ramirez also sacrifices himself to save MacLoed and the chick from the operationally critical “Crushing Fan Room” with magic powers(?). Good triumphs over evil (sort of, unless you consider bad writing, direction, filming, and acting evil) and the world is happily released from the prison of the Shield (sorry if that was a spoiler, but if you want to go out and see this garbage after this review you probably enjoy pain and should be thanking me for helping to make the experience worse).
Anyway, the stars. They kept the original main character actors, Connery and Christopher Lambert. One grudging star. The romantic interest girl was kind of cute, in an 80s beehive haircut sort of way. One star. There was a hoverboard. One star. Every scene was at night, so we didn’t have to see how cruddy all the sets probably were. One star (get the feeling I reaching here?). Four stars total.
Now the black holes. The story made absolutely no sense. It couldn’t have been less confusing if it had been in a foreign language and run backwards. Five black holes. The sword fighting was awkward and badly choreographed, although everything else sucked so I don’t know why this wouldn’t suck too. Three black holes. In spite of being 8 years in the future all the cars were somehow from the 60s. One black hole. The acting from everyone, even Connery, sucked. Two black holes. Planet Zeist. Three black holes. Every guy except the corporate CEO had bad Fabio/Meatloaf style long hair. One black hole each, so three black holes. MacLeod’s Scottish accent, which seemed cool in the first movie, made all his painfully long monologues seem even more forced and insincere than they actually were. Two black holes. It more or less ruined my positive memories of the first Highlander. Four black holes. The writers felt they had to create an origin of the Immortals that made zero sense. One black hole. Total: 24 black holes.
Grand total, 20 black holes. Truly awful. Rumor has it that the director walked out of the premier 15 minutes in, which would put it about the time the words 500 years ago on planet Zeist would have appeared on the screen. Also, there is a story that Christopher Lambert had a finger severed during one of the sword fighting scenes and had it reattached. If they had shown that I think I would have given them another star. Michael Ironsides is also supposed to have had his teeth chipped in another scene. Face it. The gods of film did not want to see this thing get done.
As for yesterday’s question of Dwight Scrute versus Egon Spengler, I think it could go either way. Dwight is generally better armed and has studied martial arts, and once maced a guy at work. However, Spengler has faced the undead and other horrors. I think in a regular fight I would have to bet on Dwight, as he seems eager for the violence. I do know I would definitely want to watch this fight. It would be entertaining. (Ghostbusters image courtesy of the science fiction t shirts category).
For today, I need you all the think outside the box a little, as this next one is less a straight up fight and more about a long story. Here it is. Who would win: the Scooby Doo gang investigating the mystery of Freddy Kruegar?
Happy New Year
So I hope everyone had a great New Years Eve. I did, and am anticipating a great 2011. I am by nature an optimist, but my experience has trained me to be more of a pessimist. I am trying to get past that. I like to tell everyone my attitude is like my blood type: B+ (it really is).
Anyway, I am going to celebrate New Years Day as only a nerd should; I am going to spend the day painting miniatures for my new Warhammer army and playing video games. Later on I am going to an unwind party at a friends house in San Francisco. Should be fun.
Sorry for the short, subjectless post, but if I did any more it would smack of work and I am trying to avoid that. I hope you all have a great holiday, and that 2011 is a vast improvement over the dregs that was 2010.
I will answer the who-would-win question, as those are more fun than work. In the fight between Mad Max and Alice from RE, I think it’s pretty circumstantial. If Max met Alice on the road in cars, Max would kick her ass. If they met on foot, Alice would probably win, especially with Max’s gimp leg. She has better combat and acrobatic skills. Notice Max did not even try to go toe to toe with the acrobatic Wes in the movie on foot, but had no problem beating him while driving a vehicle. It’s all about fighting in your best element. (Umbrella Corporation image courtesy of the Resident Evil t shirt category)
For today, I will ask one that I really thing could be hard to figure out. Who would win in a fight between Deadpool and Solomon Grundy? By the way, I am going to let this one go for a while and make a contest of it. Send me your answer on this one and why and the person who comes up with the best response will get two free buttons of your choice, including the very cool Marvel or Star Wars buttons. Email your responses to [email protected].
