Movie Review: the Expendables
OK, I know. This movie is done and past. But the fact is I saw it about a week ago and enjoyed it. I am running short on time tonight and will crank out my thoughts on this rather than rush through more dating advice and come out with crap.
(Expendable poster, by the way, courtesy of the new poster catalog)
First of all, I enjoyed it. It was a good action filled two hours. The grizzled old actors all looked cool, in a washed up sort of way. I actually think Dolph Lundgren looks cooler and way more menacing than he ever has before. I’ve also become a fan of Mickey Roarke recently as well.
Story synapses-a team of aging mercenaries with matching crow/skull tattoos called the Expendables go around the world pretending to be conservationists until they kill and blow up everything in sight. Dolph Lundgren is booted out for being too eager to kill (ironic, given the body count at the end of the movie) and later resurfaces to make things hard for them. They get hired by some guy (who is suspected of being a CIA agent) to kill some dictator on some small Latin island. For some reason the CIA actually wants to kill a rogue agent of theirs who is running around with the dictator, but I am not sure what was going on there. The contact is a super hot Latin girl who later turns out to be the daughter of the dictator who inexplicably got tired living a life of safety and luxury and decides the thing to do is help some foreigners to kill her father. She also seems to be bizarrely attracted to Sylvester Stallone, who is close to three times her age, so I think it fair to say she has some daddy issues.
That’s pretty much it. Stuff gets blown up, guys get killed, the girl gets water boarded, and somehow the expendables kill most of the 200 man army the dictator has recruited from an island with a population of 5000, wiping out the majority of able bodied men, most of whom seemed to be relatively innocent peasants the main guy recruited to keep himself supplied with cigars. There is no discussion of the economic or social ramifications of the murder of 4% of a small island population, so I guess the island was well equipped with healthy young men and emotional equipped to deal with the death of 1 in 25 people.
Spoiler alerts incoming. The one real issue I had was for a team called the Expendables, the didn’t actually expend much, or at all for that matter. Somehow they all managed to survive the million billion bullets fired at them, as well as the assorted hand to hand combats with a guy who looked like he could crush them all with one bicep behind his back. I don’t expect true realism in a movie like this, but it seems like at some point one of the team could step on a mine or something to make the reality of the situation seem more dramatic.
Overall, if you are looking for good acting, character development, and a story written above a third grade level, go see Inception on Blue Ray. If you want to suspend your disbelief (as well as most of your higher brain functions) and see a bunch of guys get shot or blown up, than this movie will not disappoint. Also, there is one decent scene with Jason Stratham that I liked a lot.
I have figured out my new movie rating system, but don’t have time to finish the research and present it tonight. Maybe next week. From a purely movie reviewing perspective I would have to give this movie a 1 out of 10. From a brainless mind candy point of view I could fairly give it a 4.5. This movie is perfect if you are home sick, incredibly drunk, hung over, babysitting someone in a coma, or trying to piss off your girlfriend and want to stream something that does not require actual attention paid to it on NetFlix.
Nerd Dating: Spotting crazy girls early pt 2
Today we continue with our list if signs that the girl you are seeing may turn out to have a bunch of bodies buried in her basement. I will just keep going. These are not presented in any kind of order. Some are more telling than others, but any one of them should at least make you look a little more carefully.
5. She has at some time in her life been involved in some kind of restraining order. Either against her or against someone else. If she has had a restraining order taken out against her there is a good chance you will eventually either have to take one out yourself and/or have all your stuff burning merrily on the front lawn. The real trap here, however, is if she has had to take one out on an ex boyfriend or husband. This might seem like a reasonable response to a situation but in most cases the restraining order went to the person who called the lawyer first, not the sanest party. There is also a very good chance that she may well have grossly overreacted to something and slammed some guy for effectively nothing. Another crazy girl trick is to get the restraining order and then hang out the guys favorite places. Steer clear.
6. She has no girl friends. The girl who tells you she “only has guy friends” is inevitably insane. Remember how I started this series by telling you that guys can’t tell if a girl is insane due to a desire to see them naked? Most women are not really subject to that bias and can readily tell if she is a kook. Also, if the girl has only guy friends that means she is not only nuts but has a bunch of losers hanging around waiting for the first chance for her boyfriend to screw up so they can try to get something. Either that or she loves driving guys nuts and guess who is next in her sights.
7. She is now, or has ever been, a stripper. This one is not subject to interpretation. All strippers have serious mental and emotional issues when they start, and those issues are exacerbated by the lifestyle. They always seem to have a horrible relationship with their fathers, and only feel good when they have 14 million guys going after them. Sex is a wonderful, intimate thing and the decision to sell it for cash on any level indicates some real problems. This rule is triple true for any girl that has done any kind of porn or something that is akin to stripping or the sex industry (“I’m not a stripper, but I wrestle girls in a giant jello bowl while wearing a thong”). Also, don’t be fooled if she says she is not a stripper but an Erotic Dancer. She’s still a stripper. (Showgirls image courtesy of the movie t-shirt category)
I can actually expound upon this from personal experience. A good friend of mine moved in with his stripper girlfriend and two of her fellow sex workers. These girls did nothing but strip, come home at 3am, do drugs to help deal with the degradation they feel all night, date scumbag guys they met at the club (like my friend), and sleep until 4pm. Also, something interesting happens to strippers under the harsh reality of daylight. They really aren’t that hot when not under a ton of makeup and the very complimentary lights used in the strip club. Also, they all smoke and drink too much, which hurts their skin and ages them prematurely.
One more thing on this. If you hang out with enough strippers (and yes, I have) you will inevitably meet the girl who says “I’m just doing this to pay my way through college.” Often times you can meet ones who are going to a major university, but usually it is just a local JC. The fact is, it is extremely rare for a stripper to ever really let go of the lifestyle. An ex-stripper, even if she managed to get her degree and a “real” job, will at some point look around her cubical and the horrible thought will creep into her mind that “I used to make $800 a night and was worshiped by hundreds of losers. Why am I sitting in this cubical for $40K a year?”
Finally, the saddest thing in the world to watch is the stripper downward spiral. Some girls save and invest a lot of money, but most don’t. What happens is when they are young and hot they get hired by the best club in the city. Then, a few years later, when she has slid down the inevitable looks decline, she ends up working at progressively worse and worse clubs until she ends up working at one of those clubs down by the airport with sawdust on the floor. Either that or full on prostitution. Eventually she is likely to end up a Denny’s waitress.
I stopped going to strip clubs a few years ago, not because I don’t like hot women, but because I started to find them incredibly depressing.
Anyway, more crazy girl rules later.
Nerd Movie Review: Skyline
Ok, for all the fans of my dating advice, I have some good news. I am leading up to some great stuff, including the dreaded “When and how to make ‘the move'” post. Before that I am going to do some psycho girl detection advice that should be hilarious. Before that, I want to do this movie review, and might start posting my Danny Nero interview after the psycho girl detector stuff, but want to keep the variety going.
By the way, in my reviews I try to not spoil anything, but if you are really good at inference you might gain some insights into the story from this. Spare me any hate spam.
Let’s talk about Skyline. It should come as no surprise to anyone that I am a huge science fiction fan, and anything that smacks of alien invasion will at least gain my attention. And the fact of the matter is I really enjoyed this movie. There isn’t an original bone it it’s body, but like “mash ups” that are so popular these days in music (sometime I weep for America) the sum of it’s contributing parts actually melds into a movie that exceeds the value of it’s individual parts.
The movie is a mix of Alien, the Day After, Independence Day, Mars Attacks, Cloverfield, the Road, and Dawn of the Dead. (Alien image courtesy of the movie t shirt category) It starts off with way too much character development in the form of a Brooklyn couple coming to LA for a huge Hollywood party with their overly successful buddy. I started off hating the main character for being a kind of sleazy pretty boy with a way too hot girlfriend, and most of the other characters didn’t really appeal to me much either. Is it so much to ask for at least one token nerd in a science fiction movie?
Anyway, after a long night of debauchery blue lights show up and start Hoovering people into the sky. Giant alien ships show up and more or less kick the crap out of everything the humans throw at them.
The one major issue I have with the story is, if in the case of alien invasion (or zombies, werewolves, vampires, chainsaw wielding maniacs, or killer bunny rabbits) where there is no place appears even remotely safer than where you are currently, then barricade the doors and freaking stay put. This is doubly true if you are stuck with a couple of really hot women. Is it that hard to think of something to do? In the movie it seems pretty obvious that just showing your nose outside the door is a fast track to the super vacuum cleaner in the sky, yet they seem to try to find reasons to run outside every 30 seconds. For god’s sake, hang out and drink your toilet water until the aliens get bored and bail out.
On the positive side, the aliens and ships look freaking awesome, and the F/X amazingly lifelike. I could have spent two hours watching the aliens run around wrecking Los Angeles (something I kept hoping would happen while I was stuck there for two weeks last month) and been happy. As it is, you pretty much get only 45 minutes of that. The aliens are scary as hell, and makes you never want to see a blue light again in your life. The main character, who I disliked at the start of the movie, got to be pretty cool towards the end and I am happy to report that the classic story of the guy sacrificing himself for the girl is reversed in this film.
The other thing I loved is, while the movie was derivative of other films in the same way a photocopy is slightly derivative of the original document, they managed to stay away from the horrible cliche Hollywood ending that the movie felt like it was leading up to. I found that really refreshing in the same way that Independence Day felt like a massive waste of two hours of my life (a computer virus? Really? They can’t even get PC viruses to work on Apples. Give me a freaking break). I’m not going to spoil anything by giving any more details than that.
Overall, I enjoyed it and would have to recommend it. I am trying to figure out a rating system that is nerd related, like pocket protectors or something. I think I like the 10 point systems rather than 5 point, so if any of you have a suggestion let me know. I have an idea that is star related but I need to think about it some more. Odds are it will be painfully complicated, but I have to assume anyone reading this has half a brain or more and can understand something slightly more convoluted than a Lego assembly instruction book. However, until I figure it out (any suggestions would be very seriously considered, so by all means chime in) I will just say I give this one a 6.5 out of 10.
Nerd movie review: Zardoz
I was going to do the Expendables, which I saw last week and more or less enjoyed, but the other night at Bad Movie Night at my friend Brian’s house he made us watch Zardoz. Now understand, I am a fan of bad movies that are in 
their own way entertaining for being camp, or surreal, or just badly done with the best intentions, but this is bad on the level of the Star Wars Holiday Special. It is not quite as bad as SWHS, but it is a close second to the worst movie I have ever seen (this Rocky Horror t-shirt, courtesy of the movie t shirt category, is presented as an example of bad movies that are good, so don’t hate spam me).
This film is less like watching a movie and more like being mauled by a pack of wolves and when you drag yourself into the emergency room your treatment involves the doctor punching you in the balls for two hours straight. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking there is some kind of hipster kitsch value in watching it. If you watch this you will feel stupider and less human for the experience. God knows I did.
This movie, bizarrely enough, stars Sean Connery POST JAMES BOND! He should have used his license to kill to take care of his agent on this one. This was after they stopped using him for a couple movies but still, he should have laid off the peyote long enough to actually read the script and realize it would have pissed off PETA if he had lined a bird cage with it, much less tried to act to it. Actually, I’m pretty sure they didn’t have a script for most of the movie and started each day of filming asking the question “OK, what do we feel like filming today?” God I hate the ’70s.
Sean plays Zed, a post-apocalyptic (with remarkably little evidence of any kind of disaster) Brutal (that’s his race, not a descriptive) from the Outlands who spends most of the movie wearing a bright orange loincloth, thigh high brown leather boots, a matching pair safety orange bullet bandoleers, a pony tail, a Texas style handlebar mustache, and an ungodly large amount of chest hair, except of the scene where he wears (no joke) a wedding dress. His acting is pretty wooden, but I really couldn’t judge too accurately as he never had a line that went more than 10 words and spent most of the movie staring into space while the effete upper crust of the future prodded him in the chest. Most of the dialogue was delivered by his girlish dilettante friend named Friend, a hottish (in a ’70s sort of way) woman named Consuela who spent most of the movie trying to get him executed by the annoyingly democratic society but then had a massive and sudden change of heart (similar to a brain aneurysm), fell in love with him and eventually bore him a son, and his only real ally May, the Queen Goddess of Freckles. There is some exposition by Arthur Frayn, who misleads the Brutals by pretending to be the god Zardoz and has a goatee and mustache that was literally drawn on with a Sharpie (again, no joke. Actually, I wish I was joking).
The movie starts off with Arthur’s head floating in space talking to the camera about how he is a magician, immortal, and a god. This is less breaking the 4th wall so much as it is running over it with a Mack truck, then backing up to rape and desecrate it’s corpse. At that point the movie actually gets a little interesting and shows a little promise with a giant stone head floating through the sky, announcing that it is the god Zardoz (SPOILER ALERT-the name Zardoz came from the book The WiZARD of OZ. This is the big revelation that blows Zod’s mind and sets him on the path of deicide. Seriously, the big turning point in his character’s life is finding a childrens novel), and coming up with the one redeeming line from the movie “The Gun is Good. The Penis is Evil. Go Forth and Kill.” The giant head then vomits up hundreds of guns and bullets.
At that point I am thinking “OK, this is kind of interesting. Post apocalyptic religious war. The Road Warrior meets the Passion of the Christ. This has some promise.” Unfortunately, that was the last interesting point in the entire movie. Zod sneaks on board the head, kills Arthur (who later is reborn), lands in the Vortex where an advanced civilization who all have mysterious, ill defined powers and super advanced technology but spend their time grinding grain on a stone grind wheel, is sort of captured, sort of enslaved, sort of experimented on, and is sort of in danger for his life. I really can’t go into the story in any depth at that point as it really is kind of a blur. Somehow all the advanced people are immortal but want to all die, no one has a sex drive any more, the queen of freckles wants to procreate, there is some kind of computer in a crystal that runs everything, Zod is actually some kind of advanced mutant created through selective breeding by Arthur, the old people are kept in a tent in a blatant example of elder abuse, thought crime is punishable by being aged, and everyone is required to do some kind of new age meditation on something called Level 2, but really looks like a hippie freak out session.
Eventually Zod shuts down the force field surrounding the Vortex (did I mention you get to see Sean Connery show off his mime skills?) and his Brutal buddies (also in orange man-kinis and awkward looking Zardoz masks) show up and kill everyone with a serious of brutal summary executions in the most boring action scene of all time. Arthur (Zardoz) resurfaces to claim credit for everything that happened before eating a bullet. By that time I was hoping everyone remotely associated with the movie including the Key Grip and Best Boy would die, so I derived a certain amount of satisfaction from that scene, but it was too little too late. Also, the special effects guy must have had a budget of about $45, as he used at most three squibs during the entire movie. I think they spent all their money on codpieces.
The movie ends with Consuela giving birth to Zods son. He grows up while Zod and Consuela age, die, and decompose into skeletons in a mini montage where they don’t move an inch from a bench. Seeing the credits roll was like getting that first breath of air after being trapped under the ice for 105 minutes. The only difficulty we experienced at that point was resisting the urge to take Brian, the host and architect of pain, out back and beat his ass.
I highly recommend you never see this movie, or mention it in polite company. However, if you want to catch the gist of it without going through the root canal-like agony of watching it I found this Zardoz in 10 minutes clip that really makes about as much sense as the full movie.
Nerd Dating: Dating on a budget pt 4
Let’s talk about dining. Unfortunately there is no ecologically responsible reason to not eat, and if you push the issue too much you will end up eating wheat grass and fungus for the rest of your life. At some point you will actually have to eat a meal in a restaurant with your date. How, then, to do so without breaking your bank?
There is really only one real answer: ethnic food. And by ethnic, I mean it needs to be as authentic as possible. The best places for ethnic food will make you feel like you just walked in off a street in Ho Chi Min city. Also, the fact is the more authentic the food, the less burden it will be on youe budget.
This is not a free pass, however. You still have to sell it to your date. Start off by telling her you know the most amazing Chinese/Vietnamese/Thai/Ethiopian/Mexican/random Third World restaurant that is totally authentic. Try to pick one that has ethnic decorations, a staff that speaks little to no English, and a $2.99 all you can eat buffet or something equivalent. Make sure you know something about the menu (a certain amount of research may be required) as you cannot expect any good advice from the wait staff (as a matter of fact, if they can give you good advice you are in the wrong place). These things will most definitely help to convince her that you are a world traveler, open to new experiences, and not trying to steer her towards a meal that runs $12 for the two of you.
Of course, after the fourth or fifth cheap ethnic meal she may well start to catch on, but the point is by that time you’ve had four or five meals with her and with any luck have made some progress towards actually forming a relationship (and honestly, if you haven’t made any progress by the fifth date it’s time to lose her number. Never forget that your time is valuable too).
Another thing to keep in mind when picking your restaurant of choice is dietary considerations your date might have. Chinese food has a ton of MSG, Vietnamese is relatively healthy but tends to have a lot of salt, etc. If your date is vegetarian or vegan than this whole plan could easily backfire, as a lot of ethnic places tend to not bother with that sort of thing, or do things like call vegetable soup vegetarian even though they cook it in the same chicken broth. In fact if your date is vegan really the only place to take her would be an Ethiopian place, as they generally have great vegetation dishes and know to keep the meat separate. Also, it is delicious and fun to eat (finger food at it’s sloppy best).
(Chinese kung fu shirt (I know. I just couldn’t think of anything else appropriate) courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
Anyway, while this may sound like you are trying to trick your date, remember what I said about women actually being pretty perceptive when it comes to stuff like this and just treat it like a delicious dinner for only a few bucks at a fun place to eat, which is what it is. I love all sorts of ethnic food and if you haven’t tried any you should make the effort.
Interview with Special F/X guru Shane Saucedo Part 3
This morning I conclude my interview with Shane Saucedo from Hellbent Studios.
Dave: Have you seen an increase in smaller, independent films since the advent of easily accessed editing and filming resources?
Shane: Yes!!! And better quality.
Dave: Very cool. What tips would you have for someone looking to produce an independent horror short and looking to get some inexpensive special effects going?
Shane: Plan it out carefully and to the point of being call anal, then find someone with experience and willingness to answer questions for the how to parts. Then do a film on the fly, quick shooting and so on. Try to equal the quality. Above all, have fun with it and let people do their respective jobs. Keep an open mind and keep it simple.
Dave: Words to live by in any occupation. If someone were interested in getting into special effects, what would be the best thing to start with?
Shane: Hmmm…I am self taught, but there are some excellent schools out there to get you started in makeup. The thing I would suggest is to get involved with your local film scene, find someone open to mentoring you and be willing to do the thankless work for a while. All the greats have done this and it seems to help put it all into perspective. As well as finding out if you are apt and willing to do the work. It’s not for everyone and takes a certain type of personality as well.
Dave: What projects are you working on currently? Anything exciting you can give us a hint about that will be coming out soon?
Shane: Two features I can’t even say the names of (sorry, contractual) and a lot of smaller stuff for WWII re-enactors and some Star Wars prosthetics, as well as we are developing the Halloween props, masks, makeup, and products line for our company. We are always interested in working on Indy films or just answering questions on how to stuff as well. We do a lot of fan props and commission type work for small business and the haunt industry. We are doing a test market on etsy.com/hellbentlabs to see response to the different props we are starting out with and a couple appliances.
Dave: How can readers follow or contact you?
Shane: Feel free to contact us @: facebook.com/Hellbent Fx. Our website is under construction and going to be updated as soon as our tech is free. 
Www.hbsfx.com but its not much to look. (LOL)
(Facebook image courtesy of the horror movie t shirts)
Dave: Thanks Shane. This was awesome.
Shane: I want to give a special thanks to Dave here at Nerd Kung fu, it was a pleasure to meet you and we most definitely look forward to the next one!
Dave: Thanks for your time, Shane. I hope to see more stuff from you guys soon.
That’s it. I found Shane to be a very chill guy, and the masks and props they were selling at the show were of extremely high quality, so if you have a project you want some help with, be sure to contact him.
Next post I’ll be back on budget dating, but I am working on an interview that I think will be extremely cool, so keep checking back for that.
Interview with Special F/X guru Shane Saucedo part 1
I’m going to take a break from the dating advice to publish an interview I did with Shane Saucedo from Hellbent Studios, a special effects studio that specializes in horror effect, although from talking to Shane it sounds like they can do almost anything. I met Shane at the Horror Convention in Sacramento last month and his business seemed fascinating to me, so I figured I would share that with you all.
Dave: Tell me how you got started in all this.
Shane: I started makeup effects at a very young age. In high school I wanted to be a firefighter, and after graduation I followed through with that. After ten years in the fire service I followed my interests in makeup fx. I did do fx work while working as a firefighter but chose to walk away as I didn’t see the future for me there. So I took the chance and walked away from the fire service to start working in a small animatronics shop in Las Vegas. There I was allowed to learn the animatronics side of things. That led me into moldmaking and other disciplines of the trade. I followed then went freelance and then opening my shop, Hellbent Studios.
I am able to keep the price down on all fx work due to a low overhead Sometimes I just love the project and that drive me too! We travel everywhere to work on an array of different features and projects and that really keeps it fresh and new. My partner Dave and I love to travel.
Dave: Right on. How did you get your first start in learning special effects?
Shane: My father was fascinated with the 50’s sci fi films and movies in general. He also grew tired of me stealing his tape and anything else out of the garage to make masks and body parts. I was 8 when he had enough and drove me to the local theater costume shop. That was my start to the world of makeup fx.
Dave: How long have you been doing it?
Shane: Since I had control over my hands. I got my first mask when I was 6 and immediately started the scaring.
(Hellraiser image courtesy of the horror movie t shirt category)
Dave: When did you found Hellbent Studios?
Shane: I always say in 1974 but truly company started in 2000.
Dave: What films have you and your studio worked on?
Shane: I will refer to the studio as the group within: we go as far back as the Blackhole for the older guys, Cherry 2000, Casino, Buckeroo Banzai, Urban Commando, and more indy films than I can list here.
Dave: Wow that is so cool. You just named one of my favorites as well as an all time classic in Cherry 2000. I could only hope to one day find a robot girlfriend. What types of special effects is your studio particularly adept or well known for?
Shane: Not sure really. I have never thought of it. I guess I would say our prop work. LOL!
Dave: What has been the hardest special effect for you to pull off to date?
Shane: Hmmm, I would have to say burning an old Jeep Wagoneer. The director didn’t really allow time to prep the vehicle for the burn, so we had no time to remove shock bumpers, battery, etc. We ended up increasing the accelerant to a super hot mix of av-gas and Lacquer thinner mixed with Diesel and one other ingredient to create the look the director wanted. It was a hard gig because of the safety of it.
Dave: Which clip are you most proud of?
Shane: I would have to say a 30′ T-Rex we built for a museum peice. A lot of work ends up on the cutting room floor in film.
(continued tomorrow)
Dave goes A.P.E.
Alternative Press Expo, that is. I went to the show yesterday, took some really cruddy photos with my camera phone, and had a great time.
Going in, it was pretty obvious that it really was alternative press. I think I saw maybe one or two DC or Marvel images in the whole show. I was trying to get a booth myself, but now that I have seen it I am kind of glad they were full up. My DC and Marvel shirts would not have been well received, I think. Next year I will consider it again, but if I do it I will most likely be very selective as to what I bring in.
I did see one guy wearing this Umbrella Corp t-shirt, but that was literally about as mainstream as the show got (image courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
So, instead I saw a ton of really amazing comic books and graphic novels done by guys in their homes and published on a shoe string budget. There were any number of great ones (as well as any number of mediocre and cruddy ones), as well as a huge selection of art, creative products, and t-shirts (more on that later).
I was also really impressed with the vast number of booths and the size of the event. San Francisco is well know for creative people, but I had no idea it was so broad and encompassing. The other great part was how cool everyone was. Going in I had an idea that there were a lot of counter-culture people with an attitude towards mainstream comics. Instead, I found almost everyone was just comic fans trying to break into the world and get their art out there, as well as just being cool and fun to talk with. Everyone was grateful for people just stopping by their booth. No one was trying to hard sell anything (and I stopped by every booth).
Speaking of selling, I broke my personal promise to myself and actually bought four t-shirts for myself. Ironic that I run a site that sells t-shirts and end up buying more to add to my already massive collection, but these shirts were too cool to not own. In my defense, I am seriously considering bringing a lot of the very cool shirts I saw onto my site (maybe create a small press t-shirt category?) .
The event goes all day today as well if you are in the Bay Area and are looking for something to do. Well worth the $10 ticket. Parking is another $10, but I found street parking about four blocks away, which in San Francisco is like parking three cars down. The event is very well organized and smoothly run. The people running it were all very friendly. Food kind of sucks, and there was a huge line for the only overworked ATM machine, so consider packing a lunch and loading up on cash if you want to buy anything.
Probably more dating advice tomorrow, although I am working on some really great interview that I am really excited about. Keep checking back and see what I come up with.
Nerd Dating: Dirty Dating Tricks Part 4: Eye Contact
I think it kind of ironic that I am stuffing this one into the dating tricks category rather than in normal dating techniques, but I thought about it and decided that some of you would actually respond better and apply it more if you can think of it as a trick rather than a standard practice of human behavior.
The fact is, while you are engaged with her in any kind of conversation, do your best to look into her eyes at all times. The eyes are the windows of the soul, and she will feel a deeper connection as the date progresses.
This has always been something of a struggle for me. I am constantly distracted by movement, and for years I would only stare at the girl’s mouth as she talked because it was moving. Kind of threw a lot of my dates off. (Lips image from Rocky Horror courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
The other thing about looking into her eyes, aside from the development of a connection and real relationship, is it give you a focal point that will not get you into trouble. Women, in my experience, are by nature usually distrustful and suspicious of guys, as well as insecure about their appearance. Every time you look away from her eyes you are probably triggering a negative response. In fact, I believe I can reasonably predict the reaction based upon where you look. If you look away from her eyes at the following this is (likely) her thought process:
Down from her face: “He’s looking at my breasts.”
At her hair: “What’s wrong with my hair?”
At her mouth: “My lipstick is smeared.”
At her hands: “My fingers are too short/long/fat/skinny” or “He just noticed the chipped nail.”
Over her shoulder: “He’s looking at another woman.”
If you mistakenly do this then better think of a compliment quick. “Wow, your hair looks great tonight!” “That ring is very cool.” This is pretty much the only way to keep from going bad. However, there are very, very few compliments you can make in the chestular region, so getting caught looking at her chest is pretty bad. Also, if you are distracted by something over her shoulder (I am all the time. That whole “distracted by movement” issue really screws me up sometimes) better find something besides the hot waitress you just noticed to point out to her right away. “Look at that cute dog!” However, if the cute dog is being walked by a super hot girl you are pretty much screwed.
Eye contact is critical. If you can’t meet her eyes she will assume you are not really into her or trying to hide something from her.
By the way, as an interesting aside, one of the reasons dim lighting is considered more romantic (in addition to blurring your lines and more or less making you look a lot better) is your pupils dilate to the most open, making that whole “soul-to-soul” connection that much more powerful. That’s a reason why candlelight works. Something to keep in mind.
Nerd Dating: Dirty Dating Tricks Part 3: Body Language Mirroring
This whole concept will sound pretty dumb, but I swear it works. The fact is, when two people have a connection and are having a great conversation, they tend to do the same thing at the same time. They lean forward at the same time, they drink from their glass at the same time, and so on.
(Mirrormask t shirt courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
This is kind of a natural phenomenon. However, you can increase your connection to your date by actively trying to mimic her actions. If she leans forward, you lean forward. If she drinks from her glass, you drink from your glass. If she scratches her nose, you scratch your own (<—IMPORTANT!) nose. The weird part is, in all the years I have been trying to do this, no one has ever noticed.
Now, don’t take this to the point of being ridiculous. If she reaches into her purse or adjusts her bra odds are you should pretty much do nothing. However, sitting in the same pose can do a lot for you. Just avoid looking completely different. If she is posed in her seat there is no excuse for slouching down, crossing your arms, or stretching back. However, you will find that if you mimic her for a while she will start doing what you do unconsciously. Try it by scratching your forehead or something innocuous.
By the way, while this technique is mostly harmless and pretty natural, it is one that you can never, ever tell her you actively used. If you end up marrying her, have a wonderful 50 year marriage, and then confess you did this on your deathbed she will still be incredibly pissed off. Treat this one like you just silently farted on a crowded elevator; no one will know it was you, and you will only embarrass and inconvenience yourself by admitting it. Take this one to your grave.
That’s pretty much it. Simple and effective. Try it next date.
