Evil Dead Review
Groovy.
There is a plague in Hollywood and I’m not just talking about the ugly trend in remaking old movies into crappy new ones. I’m talking about the inclination towards “design by committee” movie making. One person has an idea and starts writing but by the time the director, producer(s), executive producer(s), stars, DOP, score composer, key grip, assorted wannabe movie making PAs, and the catering guy all contribute the actual original vision of a beautiful masterpiece is beaten down into a misshapen but relatively safe (from a financial point of view) movie like lump. If you have ever taught grade school and hung a big piece of butcher paper up for the entire class to do a beautiful mural you know exactly what I am talking about. Inevitably you get some pretty flowers, a rainbow, some horses (or unicorns), a black scrawl, some stick figures shooting other stick figures, something on fire, a swastika, and at least one penis.
(This, by the way, is how Hollywood cowardly hides from blame. If something were designed by committee then no one person is to blame for a flop failure. Of course this means no one gets the total credit for a massive success, but most people don’t have the sack to take that kind of chance. Also the Ash image is courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt.)
The point is this movie is the opposite of design by committee. Granted it was written by Fede Alvarez and produced by the great Sam Raime and Bruce Campbell, but it is clear they all shared a similar vision of what they wanted to do. Blood, guts, and terror. There was no extra message about saving the environment some parent wanted to shove in. The sole survivor was not the introverted nerd that no one liked, nor was it the sexy cheerleader with an inner psyche of hardened steel to show young ladies that they can compete in a mans (horror) world if they just have enough self esteem. There was nothing to distract the audience from the vision of gross gore, agonizing pain, and sphincter clenching fear. If this movie and another person wanted to tell you that they hated you the person would send a strongly worded email or possibly a burning bag of dog poo on your doorstep while this film would call in a tactical nuclear strike. No room for misinterpretation.
I suppose I should address the question of whether or not this is a cheesy remake like Footloose or Red Dawn. The fact is the Evil Dead 2 (one of the greatest, most flawless horror movies ever) was not a sequel to the first Evil Dead and was in fact a remake using the same set and actors. If you look at it like that technically this is a remake, but because it actually follows in the Sam Raime tradition and has brought some new ideas and production values I am going to laud this remake rather than pan it (that means I like it to those of you who don’t know what laud or pan mean). Very well done.
The devil is in the details and this movie got the details right. In case you were wondering the Sam Raime Classic (a 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88) did manage to make it into the film, as did the shotgun and of course the Necronomicon. The cabin is still the same: somehow bigger on the inside than the outside, vaguely skull like in appearance, gigantic super creepy basement with locking trap door, and a side cabin filled with every tool possible for potential mayhem. They got rid of the animal heads on the wall and the bridge was replaced by a flooded stream, but watching this film felt in many ways like coming home (read what you will about my childhood from that statement). The only things I found off putting were stuff I wanted to see from the original film (like the fact that the demon camera no longer sounds and moves like a remote control biplane), but honestly this film has more than enough to make up for what is missing.
I’m not going to call this film flawless. There are plot holes and technical errors that in a lesser movie I would have happily used as an excuse to push it down a well. For the record a nail gun needs to be hooked up to a source of compress air in order to fire, and if you think you you can shock someone back to life with a car battery and some loose junk you found in a shed you can go ahead and stop filling out your medical school applications now. The plot is pretty predictable and the surprise twist at the end was pretty much expected. However, I was so enjoying the film that my suspension of disbelief had the power to believe that nails shoot straight like little bullets. Thus we see how a good movie can make up for minor errors.
The story you should all know if you plan to see this movie. A tertiary excuse to go to an old cabin is found (in this case it’s to help a girl (Jane Levy-Suburgatory, Fun Sized, Nobody Walks) get off drugs cold turkey). The girl Mia, her brother David (Shiloh Fernandez-Red Rding Hood, Dead Girl, Red), his hot girlfriend Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore-the Road Home, Burning Man, Legend of the Seeker), his childhood friend Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci-Carriers, Beginners, Horsemen), and his super hot nurse girlfriend Olivia (Jessica Lucas-Cloverfield, She’s the Man, Psych) all settle in for a safe, uneventful weekend of withdrawal symptoms in a creepy cabin in a swamp. In spite of the fact that his family seems to own the cabin David is surprised to find an even creepier basement full of dead cats. They find the Necronomicon and Eric shows how smart he is by deciphering part of it and reading The Passage.
At that part the film is pretty much over except for the blood. We all know how it will go from there, and if you don’t I don’t know why you are reading this. Horrible things happen to beautiful people. Plot gives way for wonderful gore. Stuff referencing the first movie shows up here with good special effects.
The stars.
Duh. Evil Dead movie. Three stars. Amazing gore and camera work. Two stars. A bonus star for the fact that there was no CGI at all in this film. All physical effects, which is a lost art that I appreciate. One star. All the details were right. One star. The three girls were easy on the eyes, although after the first 20 minutes they are all so covered in blood and filth you kind of lose any attraction to them. One star. For the most part most of the characters acted in a manner that didn’t drive me nuts from stupidity (although I might have bugged out when I found all the dead cats, I probably would have laid hold of the shotgun at the first part sign of trouble and not put it down to pee, and I definitely would not have read from the Necronomicon after getting about 100 messages that doing so was a bad idea). One star. There was actually some good chemistry between cast members and the acting was decent. Everyone seemed to know how to act terrified at least. One star. A singular function of purpose that seems lacking in most modern movies. One star. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes.
Sigh. I wish I could skip this part, but I would lose credibility with you, my beloved readers, as well as myself if I didn’t ding this film for the stuff I noticed just because I am a rabid fan. There were definitely some plot holes waving flags and yelling “Look at me! Look at me!”. One black hole. I’m going to give another black hole for the homemade defibrillator. The one girl was a nurse. Was it so hard to imagine she might have a first aid kit with an AED in it? Also defibrillation is only done in conjunction with CPR. One black hole. I watched the Evil Dead panel at Wonder Con and got the real feeling that the cast and director all became friends while filming, but I can’t not give a black hole for a rated R (extreme side of R if you know what I mean) and not have any nudity in it. This is why officers do not become friends with the enlisted men. One black hole. Pacing was good, but I feel a little ripped off for the film only going 91 minutes. Of course the first one was 85 minutes, so take this one as you will. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of seven stars. If you are a fan of horror or the Evil Dead this film is an absolute must see. If not you will literally be horrified by the gore and a lot of the concepts that were established in the earlier movies (tree scene, etc.). As a fan of the Evil Dead I see this as a fitting tribute and am very glad I saw it. Date movie? If she has a love of these films absolutely. If not you will never get a call back from her again. Be sure you know where she stands before taking her to this, and keep in mind that sometimes girls will say they like something just to try to develop a connection with you (in other words, if she doesn’t bring this movie up don’t even suggest it). Bathroom break? No way. Hold it. There aren’t any scenes integral to the plot that you must see (plot is tertiary at best after the first half hour) but there isn’t a blood soaked moment you won’t regret missing. Cross your legs.
Thanks for reading. More to see soon. I saw Admitted and will write it up, but am not really excited to do so. Kind of middle of the road. Follow me on Twitter (please. My numbers are pathetic) @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be left right here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Evil Dead remake?
To suck or not to suck, that is the question.
I have a love of the Evil Dead that stems way back. My favorite is probably Evil Dead 2, but the first one was great as well. Army of Darkness is more comedy than horror (they all are, really), but all of them are great (Ash image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category).
I have long campaigned against the great Remake-ageddon, seeing it as Hollywood throwing off it’s pretense of creating quality entertainment and revealing itself as the money sucking vampire it always secretly was. If this were a studio remake I would have no trouble telling you how I expect it to both suck and blow. However, not only is it being done by Sam Raime but it is owned by both him and Bruce Campbell. They have retained creative control so I have to look at it from the possibility that Sam is creating another campy bad horror masterpiece. One can only hope.
I have also learned that there is no Ash in this remake. At first this seemed like a tragic mistake, but then I remembered that he was much less a critical role in the first movie. Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness were pretty much character studies of Ash (with Kandarian demons), one of the greatest horror action heroes ever, but in the first movie he wasn’t really the lynchpin. Honestly, since there is no real way to recreate him without cloning Bruce Campbell in his 20’s, this could be a great move.
Also, since Evil Dead 2 was pretty much a remake of Evil Dead the precedent for remakes has been long established. For the first time in a long time I am kind of looking forward to a remake, at least to see how it is treated. Don’t get me wrong. It could still be the movie equivalent of dying of explosive diarrhea (let’s not forget that Sam Raime did do Spider-Man 3) and if it is I will relate the experience in excruciating detail. However, the potential to not suck is present.
Dave
Gangster Squad Review
A well executed but ultimately lazy film.
I think one day I would like to be a movie producer (one of those producers who doesn’t really produce anything but gets to sit in on the meetings and gets a big screen credit) if only to see how the creative process actually works for film. In my mind I see this film starting with a cool concept taken from actual historic events, casting that would be any directors wet dream, high production values, and in the last three days before production they pay $50 each to a drunken creative writing student, a Minnesota housewife who watches soap operas all day, and a homeless meth head who used to work in a video store to write out the script.
It boggles my mind that a film with a $60,000,000 budget wouldn’t take 1 lousy million and hire the greatest, most creative writers in the history of of film to craft an amazing original story. Instead they seem to treat the writing as secondary to casting, filming, special effects, marketing, and catering so you end up with 113 minutes of formulaic, cliche pap. “We need a reason for Ryan Gosling to join up and hate the crime boss. How about some kid who shines his shoes gets killed in a drive by shooting? We also need a reason for the main character to risk almost certain death when he has a pregnant wife at home and no real reason to care. How about we give him no real reason at all?”
The movie looks nice and you will definitely be drawn in to the Sean Penn character, but the motivations are suspect at best, the action is kind of tepid, the good guy who is going to die couldn’t have been more obvious if they had shown sniper cross hairs on him in every scene, and every event is about as predictable as saying a burst septic tank is going to smell bad. I took the liberty of looking up the screenplay writer (I don’t actually hold the book author responsible. He is writing a book which has a different aesthetic) and with the exception of Castle (where it is not only OK but kind of expected that there be a certain amount of camp cliche) his biggest movie to date is…Gangster Squad. Again, $60,000,000 budget. Why not hire a proven writer?
By they way, he is working on movies that I completely expect to suck like the worlds biggest Hoover: Logans Run (want to see how Hollywood takes amazing movies and remakes them in to lame crap (oh, wait. We just had Red Dawn)?), Lethal Weapon 5 (milk a dead cow a go go), and Justice League (never let it be said that DC isn’t willing to jump on the “Missed the Boat” boat). However, due to the fact that I enjoy Castle I won’t name his name.
Anyway, the movie (some spoilers inc.). Sean Penn (Tree of Life, Colors, Milk) plays Mikey Cohen, a former prizefighter turned gangster who runs crime in LA. Sgt. John O’Mara (Josh Brolin-Goonies, No Country for Old Men, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Truffle shuffle image courtesy of the Movie T-Shirt category) is recruited by Police Chief Parker (Nick Nolte-Cape Fear, 48 Hours, the Thin Red Line) to gun down criminal elements in LA (Parkers motivation is also missing). O’Mara recruits Ryan Gosling (Crazy, Stupid Love (where he also had a romance with Emma Stone), Drive, Ides of March) as Sgt. Jerry Wooters, a sexy, well dressed, deadpan pretty boy who transmits few if any emotions at any time (in other words, every role Ryan Gosling has ever had). He hooks up with Grace Faraday (Emma Stone-the Help, the Amazing Spider Man, Zombieland), who just happens to be Mikey Cohen’s girlfriend (see what I mean about lazy?). His shoe shine kid gets killed in a drive by. He recruits a posse of red shirts including token black guy (Anthony Mackie-Hurt Locker, Real Steel, Million Dollar Baby), token Mexican guy (Michael Pena-Crash, End of Watch, Crash), and a couple of other guys including a dead man walking (Giovanni Ribisi-Saving Private Ryan, Avatar, Gone in Sixty Seconds).
They start taking down mob businesses (if you have ever seen the Untouchables you can probably fast forward about 40 minutes) until the inevitable trap/retribution. Stuff gets blown up, guys get shot, and the fate of the city of LA boils down to a completely unnecessary (from both the film’s perspective and the story) boxing match.
The stars. I can’t say it wasn’t well done or entertaining (there’s your quote for the back of the DvD box: “‘I can’t say it wasn’t well done or entertaining.’-the Nerd Blog”). Two stars. Sean Penn more or less made the movie happen. Two stars. The rest of the cast did well. One stars. Emma Stone is quite the heart breaker. One star. The period portions were dead on and cool (cars, clothes,etc). One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. The story was about as formulaic and derivative as a Choose Your Own Adventure novel with half the pages ripped out. One black hole. The action was actually kind of silly to the detriment of the film. One black hole. The only character that had any motivation to do anything at all was Mikey Cohen. The rest of the gang looked and acted like guys who got caught up in the spirit of a riot and then later wonder what the hell they were thinking. One black hole. Any time a main character does something you know is stupid the movie takes a detour into the Valley of Suck, and O’Mara’s decision to duke it out with a professional boxer for no reason whatsoever was less a detour and more a drive off a cliff. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of three stars. The cast is good and it is well executed, but this film is firmly in the land of the mediocre. Should you see it? Sure, why not? It will entertain you without any of that pesky thinking that so clutters up better written movies. Date movie? I suppose, as long as you can stand up to being compared to Ryan Gosling. Nothing in here will put her off. Bathroom break? There’s a 50’s style barbeque scene that could be pretty easily missed. It’s early, so if you need a break later on I’d say the scene where Cohen is looking for a bug in his house. Honestly, there isn’t a lot of this film that I would say is 100% necessary. You can pretty much extrapolate any scene you miss by just assuming they did the easiest, most cliche thing available.
Thanks for reading. Lots coming up this weekend, but unfortunately I have something I’m doing for pretty much all of the weekend. Believe it or not it’s even weirder and more nerdy than Warhammer. I’ll try to see something tonight. If you have comments about this film or my review feel free to post them here. Follow me on Twitter for the one Tweet a day I tend to do @nerdkungfu. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Is a Carrie remake really necessary?
So the latest in the Hollywood Remake Death March is Carrie, originally done in 1976 by Brian De Palma and starring Sissy Spacek. It was a great film, and truly a horror classic. As a kid who spent most of high school wishing I had the telekinetic power to destroy my school and everyone in it, this film always spoke to me in brutal, creepy whispers.
So they are going to remake this film and to be honest, I’m not at all sure how I feel about it. On the positive, I am a big Chloe Moretz fan. I think she is incredibly talented for someone so young. She was awesome as Hit Girl in Kick Ass and even cooler as the vampire in Let Me In. I think she will do a great job and rule in this film.
On the other hand, the original movie was based on a high school culture of abuse that kids today really don’t understand. When I was in high school getting bullied meant getting your ass handed to you pretty much on a daily basis, not getting called names on Facebook. I have the feeling this story is going to get beaten about the head and shoulders by the PC cudgel.
Furthermore, the director Kimberly Peirce is best know for the movies Boys Don’t Cry (decent film about a transgendered person) and Stop-Loss (Iraq war sucks), while the screenplay writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa has only done episodes of Glee (TV’s campaign to rid the world of testosterone) and Big Love (Mormon polygamist with three wives). I have scanned both of their IMDB profiles extensively and have yet to find any reference to anything remotely horror. Call me old fashioned, but if I found I had a skin condition I would want to go to a dermatologist, not a taxidermist. Is it really so hard to find people in Hollywood with experience in horror films?
All this implies a strong tendency towards softening this great movie up and making it more palatable for people who aren’t going to bother to see it anyway. This, in addition to the fact that once again Hollywood can’t seem to come up with an original idea to save its life. I hope this movie doesn’t suck, but I won’t be surprised if it does. I can only hope they don’t manage to insert a song and dance number into this.
(Sissy Spacek image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category)
Dave
Pitch Perfect Review
Worthlessly entertaining.
I am, in the parlance of nerd gaming culture, a tread head. In other words, tanks are my favorite thing to play. I have always played better driving a tank than any other type of FPS, and I think in a previous life I must have been a tank crewman. One of the things I love about tanks is they have absolute singularity of purpose. They are designed to kill stuff on the outside while keeping the stuff on the inside safe. You can’t use them to drive the kids to church, plow a field, or tailgate at a football game. In this day and age of multi function devices they are absolutely assured of their one place in the world and nothing will ever budge them from that.
Why, you ask, would I start off a review of a chick flick like Pitch Perfect talking about tanks? Because Pitch Perfect is diametrically opposed to the idea of singular purpose. It almost defies categorization. It is sort of a comedy, sort of a chick flick, sort of a romance film, sort of a Glee rip off, sort of a coming of age film, and sort of a sisterhood story. It has all the focus of a cheap security camera at the bottom of a 50 gallon drum of petroleum jelly, yet in spite of all that is weirdly engaging and entertaining.
I’m actually disappointed in that. I chose this film hoping it would be as bad as all logic and every trailer indicated it would so I could come home and tear into it like a jackal with a freshly killed gazelle. After the run of decent movies I have seen lately I need something to sharpen my teeth on. However, once I got over the testicle shrinking experience of sitting in a theater filled with more estrogen than a Lilith Fair I found to my surprise I was actually laughing at moments, and for some reason really liking the characters. Even the dumb acapella jokes (“Aca-excuse me?!”) had me laughing.
The story itself is as vapid and insubstantial as possible without actually being written by the Kardassians, and after a while the singing will have your ears bleeding if you aren’t yourself an acapella fan, but the characters and jokes are enough to carry it through. Don’t misunderstand me. This is not a great movie. You will not learn or feel anything amazing by the end of this film. It will not touch you emotionally or inspire you to be closer to your loved ones. The best you can hope for is the modest satisfaction of filling another 112 minutes of your individual journey towards oblivion. However, like a popsicle made of Kool-Aid in an ice cube tray with tooth picks, it is better than nothing.
One thing this movie did for me was remind me of why college kids are the preferred target of horror movie monsters and serial killers. 20 minutes into this film and I was ready to go chainsaw shopping. However, another 20 minutes in I had gotten to like a lot of them enough to not want this movie to turn into another Friday the 13th (Creature from the Black Lagoon image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirts).
The other thing to remember going into this film is the entire premise of the film is based around the idea that acapella singing is the end all and be all of everything cool in the universe. Remember a few years ago when there was a movie about a national karaoke contest that had a huge cash payoff? Well, let me tell you this sort of thing does not really ring true. The whole concept felt forced and fake all the way through.
The story is extremely derivative. See if this rings any bells. Young, anti social but heartbreakingly cute girl goes to a new environment where she meets a struggling group striving to win the big award at something and by the end is pulled from her shell in order to give them their best chance at victory. In this case the hot anti social girl is Beca (Anna Kendrick-Scott Pilgrim Versus the World, 50/50, Twilight), a wanna be DJ (number 6 on the top ten loser jobs that sound really cool when you are 18) and the new environment is Barden University, the lamest college in the history of education. It is so lame that all normal forms of college fun-frats and sororities, sports, drugs and alcohol, sex-as well as all scholastic priorities must take a back seat to the coolest activity ever: acapella singing. She (correctly) decides it is lame when the head of the Bellas Audrey (Anna Camp-the Help, Forgetting the Girl, 8 Easy Steps) and her friend Chloe (Brttany Snow-Hairspray, John Tucker Must Die, Prom Night) try to recruit her. She gets convinced to try out when Chloe hears her sing in the shower. We are also introduced to the real comedic force behind this film Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson-Bridesmaids, the Wedge, What to Expect When You are Expecting). She was honestly funny and enjoyable.
The rest of the crew is rounded out with a few oddballs. There is the incredibly soft spoken Asian who is secretly more messed up than any of them (Hana Mae Lee-no other film credits. She had a role on Workaholics), the black lesbian (Nicole Lovince-also first movie role. She was in Worst. Prom. Ever.), the local slut (Shelly Regner-another newcommer.), and a few others. Their big competition is the Treble Makers, the all male acapella champion group lead by self obsessed jerk Bumper (Adam DeVine-Adam from Workaholics). There is a guy who Beca has a thing for (Skylar Astin-Hamlet 2, Talking Woodstock) and some other nerd (Ben Platt-no other roles) who are either on the Treble Makers or dream of it. If you have seen Bring it On and more than a couple episodes of Glee I pity you but you pretty much know the story.
The stars. While the story sucked and the premise blew, I have to say I really got to like all the characters in this film. Great job in casting IMO. One star. Most of the girls were extremely easy on the eyes. One star. There were some honestly funny dialog moments. One star. There were two vomiting scenes that had me laughing my ass off. Something about otherwise well put together and attractive people puking makes me laugh like nothing else. One star. The sub plot with the bitchy roommate I thought well played, as well as the total nerd dude. Very much reminded me of college. One star. Generally stupidly fun. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The story would make my high school AP English teacher kill herself. One black hole. The premise that there are more people who care about acapella singing than the people actually doing it is incredibly lame. One black hole. There was definite musical accompaniment for a lot of the acapella singing, and I have to say if you are not a fan the music grinds on you after a while. One black hole. The entire movie is a mashup of Glee, Bring it On, and Bridemaids with a light dusting of Animal House and West Side Story. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of two stars, which is literally about seven higher than I expected to give this film. This movie was clearly not made for me or anyone with two functioning testicles, so if Glee-ish chick flicks do something for you I don’t think you will be disappointed. However, don’t expect this movie to make you feel at all macho. Date movie? You should never ever suggest this one but if she does I’d say yes. You see, if a girl subjects you to this film and then doesn’t reward you with sex then you know that she is secretly a sadist and you are better off dumping her before she locks you in her oubliette. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere you like. There isn’t a lot in here that I would consider necessary, and at 112 minutes you will need something. If I had to pick a moment I’d say the bus ride to finals after Fat Amy gets hit with a flying burrito.
I will say one last thing on this movie and that is if acapella singing gets a film then I can hope for a Warhammer movie in there someday. I kind of see myself cast as the villain in that one, and I don’t think a lot of my friends would argue with that. Honestly I would be willing to bet it would be at least as interesting, if missing a lot in distaff actors. If any producers are interested in working out a concept feel free to contact me.
Thanks for reading. More to see this week. Hopefully something out there will really suck and give me something to tear apart (what’s that you say? There is a new Kevin James movie this Friday where he becomes an MMA fighter? Score!!!). Actually I have a Warhammer tournament this weekend (Infernal Zoo) so I don’t think I will be able to write a new review until Sunday night. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post any comments on this film or my review on it here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter Review
Entertaining, but if you read the book you might have an axe to grind with this adaptation.
Sorry I couldn’t resist it. The fact is I have been looking forward to this movie for a while, and during the last few months getting annoyed at fellow movie audience members who laughed at the trailers. Unfortunately they were for the most part correct to laugh as a lot of this movie was fairly comical in it’s need to suspend disbelief. However, if you can raise that disbelief to airline cruising altitude there is a lot worth watching here.
I read the book two weeks ago on my flight to Italy and enjoyed it a great deal. It tells of the secret life of Abraham Lincoln and his quest to rid America of the bloodsucking scourge of vampires. It was very clever and well done, with the vampire elements integrated into a broader story making for a cool, innovative retelling of his life while remaining grounded as much as possible in the actual events from American history. The action seemed realistic, with Lincoln developing his vampire hunting skills over a lifetime and coming up with many clever tools and tricks to make up for his human frailties and the strength and quickness of the vampires.
Tragically this movie took all that, wadded it into a ball, and tossed it into the nearest garbage bin. The story is devolved into the simplest of vampire stories, Abe himself is turned into a male Buffy the Vampire slayer with the speed, skill, strength, and reaction time of ten men, and no attempt is made at all to link the story to the historical events. (Buffy staked Edward image courtesy of the Horror Movie t shirt category)
However, the question that can easily be asked at this point is “What were you expecting, Dave?” Hollywood has shown little to no interest in creating clever, interesting stories or perhaps improving upon the general knowledge of the unwashed masses they cater to so why should this movie be an exception? The fact is if you put the words “vampire” and “hunter” (slayer) in the same sentence the Brownian mentality of the movie going population immediately thinks of Buffy, so you might as well use it as your source material.
I will give massive props to this movie (and the book) for portraying vampires as they should be; arrogant, evil bloodsucking bastards who should be exterminated without mercy. The ugly trend towards pretty, “nice” romantic vampires that started with Interview with a Vampire and continues to plague us with the whole Twilight series (I refuse to call it a saga) has to be stopped somehow. While these vampires managed to not burst into flame in the sun, at least they made concessions towards the fact that the sun hurts them.
The major thing that burdens this movie more than any other is the mind numbing ridiculousness of a lot of the action. I understand the need for suspension of disbelief, but the action sequences here becomes literally laughable. The action also has the problem of obscuring the action. Quick cuts and jumbled scenes of people dressed in similar colors turns a lot of the action sequences into a kaleidoscope-like morass of brown and black shapes. Very hard to follow. Multiple times I found myself asking “What the hell just happened?”, which is rarely a good thing for a movie.
The story is of course of Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker-Flags of Our Fathers, War Boys, Kinsey) and his secret life as a vampire hunter. He starts young with the death of his mother at the fangs of a vampire. When he turns into a young man he goes after the vamp who did it but gets his ass more or less kicked. He is rescued by Henry (Dominic Cooper-Captain America-the First Avenger, the Duchess, an Education), who trains him to fight vampires. Abe takes the axe as his weapon of choice and turns into a samurai warrior with it. He goes out killing vampires at the bequest of Henry and meets his wife Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead-the Thing, Scott Pilgrim vrs the World, Final Destination 3). He dedicates his life to destroying vampires by removing their easiest food source, slaves. Eventually he ends up as president and has to fight against the South, who are aided and abetted by the vampires.
The stars. Very cool concept. One star. I thought Dominic Cooper was pretty good as Honest Abe. One star. Evil vampires. One star. The period scenery was very good and accurate. One star. I loved the book. One star. Pacing was good. One star. Generally entertaining as long as you can dumb your brain down a bit. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. They took a cool, subtle story with strong ties to actual history and dumbed it down to a cheesy Hollywood action movie. One black hole. They also PC’d the hell out of it. In the book the slavery issue, while important, was only one piece of a much bigger story. In this one it was the end all and be all of the movie. They also forced in a black supporting character who looked and felt like they crowbarred him in for political correctness. One black hole. The action, which for most of the movie was kind of dopey, fell off the Great Dopey Cliff into Never Ending Valley of Stupidity towards the end (the train ride was really, really dumb). One black hole. Speaking of crowbarring, the managed to shove in Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad for no apparent reason other than to try to look more correct. It all felt awkwardly out of place and had nothing to do with the book or history. One black hole. The movie in general suffered from the problem of trying to fit an entire lifetime of vampire hunting and politicking (which was all well done in the book) into 105 minutes, and honestly it felt like you were watching a 4 hour movie but skipping ahead by five minute increments periodically. One black hole. At some point you have to ask yourself does the President of the United States not have soldiers and guards he could call on, or does he really have to play security guard more or less solo on a train? One black hole. Total: six black holes.
Sigh. Only two stars total, and to be honest I was being kind on a few of them. Another movie I really wanted to be better. It’s not terrible. In fact, it’s entirely worth watching on a big screen and looks like it would even benefit from 3D. It’s just that based on the source material I think it could have been much better. Almost to the point of being a classic. Instead it’s just another Tim Burton movie (think Sleepy Hollow). Date movie? Meh. You won’t lose anything on this but there is nothing in here terrifying, surprising, or interesting enough to really turn a girl on IMO. Bathroom break? The whole Lincoln/Mary romance could be missed without losing anything. The formal dance where they start to fall in love is an excellent place to void your fluids.
Thanks for reading. I am going to go see Rock of Ages later tonight, so have pity on me. It should really suck. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post comments on this movie or review here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected].
Thanks again. Have a great night, and look for a review on that rock movie tomorrow.
Dave
Lego movie incoming?
Dave did a little weird happy dance when I told him about this rumor. He really is a dork. Apparently Warner Bros wants to make a CGI animated movie based on Lego toys.
I’m torn on this. On the one hand, kids of all ages and dorks like Dave will probably enjoy it quite a bit. On the other hand, Lego has toys, video games, t-shirts, telephones, keyboards, and pretty much anything else you can use to fleece your fan base. They are effectively the Kiss of the toy world. Do they really need to make a movie?
I also kind of expect the lengths they will go to to include every aspect of the Lego universe will get annoying after a while. Also, will this movie be about Lego toys that run around like Toy Story, or will it be a world adventure where all the characters happen to be Legos? In other words, is it going to be derivative or just lame?
Dave is threatening to throw stuff at me so I will wrap it up quick. This image from Dave’s Starwars trilogy t shirts was the best I could find for a Lego image. You would think he would stock more Lego stuff given he has been collecting them since he was three and will talk about his collection forever at the drop of a hat.
Jason
Snow White and the Huntsman Review
Not bad if you can swallow a few plot holes.
I saw this right before leaving for Italy and I hope you can forgive me if I have taken my seeing and enjoying this fabulous country more seriously than sharing my opinion of the film. On the one hand I feel guilty about letting this (and a bunch of other movies like Prometheus and Rock of Ages) sit on the shelf. On the other hand really I feel no guilt whatsoever. This is the first real vacation I have had in years.
Anyway, I enjoyed the movie quite a bit. It does have it’s issues, each hanging over the script like a veritable Sword of Damocles except instead of swords each thread suspends a medium sized bag of dog poo. If you stand in one place too long eventually you will be struck by one.
However, if you can keep moving along with the pace of the movie you can avoid most of the poo and just have to deal with the lingering stench. This film is definitely several steps above the other, more schizophrenic Snow White remake Mirror Mirror. At least it tried to maintain a consistent tone. The acting ran from mediocre to very good, and the story didn’t land too far into lala land (it did, however, take a nice trip through the Valley of Plot Holes).
I’ll get into some of the more egregious plot holes when I do the black holes, but there is one that annoyed me throughout the movie. The Evil Queen Revenna (Charlize Theron-Hancock, Young Adult, the Italian Job) has a spell that helps her stay young and hot as long as she is the fairest in the land. The magic mirror tells her Snow White (Kristin Stewert-Twilight, Twilight, and more Twilight) is destined to out do her in the looks department. Unless as part of the aging process Kristin Stewart was destined to get a full body, face, and personality transplant there is no way she could ever be more fair than Charlize Theron. Charlize is a super hot woman who breathes sensuality into her role with every breath while Kristin Stewart is basically a Real Doll that can move.
Anyway, the story. Honestly, just reread my Mirror Mirror review and you more or less have it, only with the King actually dead. In another impact crater sized plot hole the widowed king meets Revenna after rescuing her from a fake army, they get married 24 hours later, and he dies of natural causes (being stabbed in the chest repeatedly is a natural way to die, right?) in bed with her that night. Somehow no one but some duke we never really get to meet calls shenanigans on this and the kingdom is placed under a terrible curse.
Fast forward 10 years. The magic mirror tells the queen she needs to eat the heart of Snow White in order to remain young forever. She has been keeping Snow White locked in a tower all this time (where somehow she is in awesome shape, can fight with a blade, and is a great swimmer. The tower must also be home to a 24 Hour Fitness) but instead of simply walking up there and gutting her she sends her idiot brother to fetch her. Snow White managed to escape through a sewer and runs into the Black Forest.
At this point the queen does not send in her entire army but rather recruits a local huntsman (Chris Helmsworth-the Avengers, Thor, the Cabin in the Woods) who is the only human to enter the forest and survive or something. He obviously doesn’t want to do it but is coerced by being told Revenna can resurrect his dead wife (zombie wife!). They enter the forest, find Snow White, he has the painfully obvious change of heart, and the rest of the movie is a quest to kill the queen.
The stars. I thought Charlize Theron was excellent. As I said in my review of Young Adult the one role she excels at is the cold, heartless bitch and honestly it rings a lot more true here. One star. While derivative the story was engaging and interesting. Nice twist on a lot of the old story. One star. Excellent visuals and CGI. Everything works well visually. On star. Charlize Theron is always easy on the eyes. One star. I thought Chris Helmsworth did an admirable job with what he was given, and seems to be the only character to actually describe a full arc. One star. Pacing and direction were good. One star. The fight with the troll was excellent. One star. I thought the Seven Dwarfs were pretty cool, although none of them were allowed to develop. One star. Overall very entertaining. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. While none of the plot holes were truly gargantuan, they were numerous. Two black holes. I can tell you from personal experience the last thing you want to assault a castle wall with is heavy cavalry. Just dumb. One black hole. The idea that Kristin Stewart is supposed to be fairer than Charlize Theron is laughable, and in this movie her performance was wooden and formulaic. One black hole. 
A dumb fatalistic sub plot lifted directly from Star Wars (and not good Star Wars. I’m talking Episode 2. Republic image courtesy of the Star Wars T-Shirt category). One black hole. As cool as Queen Revenna was, her dopey brother was dumb and annoying. He was like having Shemp from the Three Stooges shoved into the Godfather. He did nothing but screw up. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Not bad. Well worth seeing, and some of the visuals do cry out for a large screen. However, I think if you have a decently sized TV you could probably survive with NetFlix. Date movie? Meh. Sort of. It wouldn’t be a mistake, but it also wouldn’t be my first choice. Bathroom break? I’d say the scene in town introducing the Huntsman as a drunken brawling loser. Not a lot added to his character there, especially since he more or less doesn’t get wasted enough to impact the movie again. If that is too soon in the movie I’d say any of the scenes involving the duke and his son. Felt very much like filler.
Thanks for reading. I get back from Italy tomorrow about 4pm and may well celebrate by seeing a movie. However, I have some horrible films to see. Rock of Ages and That’s my Boy look to be excruciating. However, as astute and regular readers I’m sure you have figured out the bad ones make for the funniest reviews. I am looking forward to seeing Prometheus, and next weekend promises to be very cool movie wise.
Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments about this review feel free to post them here. If you have questions or suggestions that are off topic you can always email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Goodbye Henry Hill
I don’t know if you saw this, but Henry Hill passed away from heart complications recently. I know he doesn’t have much to do with the nerd world (in fact he is as far removed from nerds as you can be without being from another planet (without nerds)) but as a fan of movies I couldn’t not acknowledge the influence his book, Wiseguy, had on gangster movies.
As any movie buff knows, his book was the basis for one of the greatest gangster movies of all times, Goodfellas with Ray Liotta, Joe Peschi, and the great Robert DiNiro. Of course, all that is aside from the fact that it was directed by the amazing Martin Scorsese. If you have never seen it I don’t know what kind of bubble your parents have you locked in but break out immediately and go rent it.
By all reports Henry outlived his expected lifespan by several decades and lived a pretty fun and wild life, so I don’t feel too bad about him. I used to hear him on the Howard Stern show and he didn’t sound all that remorseful for the crimes he committed (including murder), but he did manage to help set the mold for gangster movies, so I guess I am sad to see him go.
The Goodfellas image comes to us courtesy of the Movie T-Shirt category. Thanks for reading. Coming up-more on Italy.
Dave
A Nerds-eye view of Venice, Italy day 3
Kind of a study in contrasts today. This is when the business part of my business trip starts. After a leisurely breakfast I was picked up by a raucous crowd of my fellow sales reps. You see, sales reps by nature have kind of over the top personalities. One on one that works great, and people love us and like buying from us (for the most part). However, get more than a few of us in the same room together and it is like standing in a wind tunnel, except instead of air the tunnel is blowing a storm of sales gripes, bad stories, and fart jokes.
After a short drive through some mundane countryside we ended up at a hotel that almost comical in it’s contrast from my time in Venice. It is termed a “business hotel” but could be more accurately described as a “correctional institute”. It is ultra modern, yet bare and oppressive like a medical correctional facility.
Actually, now that I think about it, the building looks and feels like one of those Umbrella research facilities pre T virus outbreak. Bare white corridors, sensing card keys, doors that would not have looked out of place as airlock portals, and everthing steel, white, grey, or beige. If it weren’t for the cute girls behind the desk I would be expected to be experimented on this morning. (Umbrella Corp logo image courtesy of the Zombie Movie T Shirt category)
The room itself is surreal, in that the first one the window or air conditioning didn’t work (this is a brand new building), the beds are tiny, only about 1/2 the light switches actually connect to anything, the shower seems specifically designed to spill water all over the floor, and the room has this power saving feature that requires you to leave your key in a slot by the door or 30 seconds later the power in the room goes off. This is all well and good until your roommate opts to leave the room while you are in the shower, leaving you dripping wet and stumbling around the room naked looking for your key (thanks, Frank).
The guy with the car had to go back to the airport to pick up more of our sales reps, and he dropped me and two others off in a small town to kill time. We had a good lunch (Italian food. Go figure). At that point we discovered that small Italian towns on a Sunday are pretty much deserted wastelands. We must have walked two miles (5 km) and saw maybe four people. None of the shops were open. We ended up sitting on a park bench only to find our friends were having lunch at the exact same restaurant we had eaten at.
After that it was an afternoon and evening of hanging out with my loud American friends. I have to say after three days in charming, quiet Venice being in this ultra-modern eyesore and surrounded by boisterous Americans really made me start to wish I was back in Venice. As I sit here typing I suddenly realize that in spite of all my bitching about stuff I have been really captivated by that town and the culture. I will be back in three days after a bunch of meetings. I won’t say these meetings will be bad, as they really are important to my business, but I think I will be happy to be back in the heart of the canals again.
Dave
