Dark Shadows Review
Q: How much Johnny Depp/Tim Burton schtick can they stuff into 113 minutes? A: A lot.
Last night when I told my friends I was going to see Dark Shadows at midnight they made me promise to watch 30 minutes of the original series. I did so (thanks iPhone) and understand what they were trying to get me to see. The soap opera Dark Shadows was campy and kind of dumb, but what it wasn’t was a schticky comedy.
If a movie were a car than Johnny Depp would be a powerful V8 engine pumping out more horsepower than a rodeo on speed. However, this particular car, while pretty with a nice glossy coat of paint, seems grossly underdeveloped in the wheels, seats, windows, and other accoutrements that make a comfortable automobile. The entire movie serves only as a vehicle to deliver Johnny Depps performance and baroque 17th century mannerisms. His character is a schizophrenic two dimensional dry humor joke machine; everyone else is a one dimensional sounding board from which to bounce one liners off of; the script wanders aimlessly from plot point to plot point without really locking onto anything (and it’s kind of boring); the humor seems at the same time highly predictable and out of place; and the ending they dredged up from the deep bowels of the writers…well, bowel.
All that being said, if you are a Johnny Depp fan you will probably enjoy his performance immensely. He managed to make the scenes cool and funny (he also manages to not sing at any point, a fact that made me very happy). However, his fish-out-of-water jokes wore thin after about 50 minutes and he was not enough to keep the entire movie alive solo.
I think this was a serious mistake on the part of Tim Burton (and it pains me to say this). Sure, Depp is an amazing actor and can deliver a stellar performance in his sleep, but the cast of this film was chock full of talented people. Michelle Pfeiffer plays the matron of the family, and while it is easy to hate her for her part in Batman Returns you still have to like her for Scarface. Of course she also did New Years Eve so I don’t know. Psycho witch Helen Bonham Carter (Fight Club, the King’s Speech, Sweeney Todd) plays the psychiatrist. The extremely hot Eva Green (Casino Royale, the Dreamers, Perfect Sense) plays the evil witch who cursed Barnabus. Bella Heahcoate (In Time, Glen Owens Dodds, Beneath Hill 60) plays the nanny. For Carolyn they even got Chloë Grace Moretz (Kick Ass, Hugo, Let Me In) who is a great young actress. Seems like any one of them could have added something to the story had they been allowed.
Anyway, the story. Barnabus Collinis rejects his maid Angelique. She kills his parents and fiance, cursing him to be a vampire (live forever with super speed and strength? I think the writers need to buy a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word “curse”) and gets the local townsfolk to form a torch-and-pitchfork mob to bury him in a coffin. Flash forward 196 years where a construction crew digs up his coffin and in a really stupid move opens it up (sorry, if I found a coffin shaped box with massive chains around it the first thing I would not do is call for bolt cutters. Maybe a power drill, along with a bible and a Super Soaker full of holy water). Barabus jumps out and slaughters 11 innocent construction workers, a fact that does not even rate more than passing mention from the local police or news media. These sorts of thing happen all the time in Maine I guess.
Anyway, he rejoins his family now consisting of his great great grand something (? Seriously, how was he related to these losers? His family moved here from Liverpool when he was a child. His parents died. He was an only child and never had kids), her brother, her daughter, and her nephew who live in the huge super creepy mansion his father built. He discovers that they are barely holding on and the family business is in shambles. Turns out Angelique, the witch who “cursed” him, has spent the last 200 years working to destroy his family financially (? She really had nothing better to do? Spend centuries stalking people who never even knew the guy who rejected you?).
Barnabus spends the next 80 minutes or so beating the fish-out-of-water jokes deep into the ground. He dedicates himself to restoring the family home and business and does so with remarkable ease. Along the way he slaughters a bunch more people.
Let me go on an aside here briefly and talk about one of the most disturbing things about the Barnabus Collins character. The fact is, most of the movie he was funny, witty, and charming and then every once in a while would kill a bunch of completely innocent people. It’s like if you bred a dog with a porcupine (dorkupine?) that you could totally pet and be cool with except every once in a while you would hit a patch of spines and get a fistful of them in the palm of your hand. I found it really distracting and every time he would do it my sympathy for him and my appreciation of the humor would drain from the film like spaghetti in a colander. I found it especially gruesome when he would apologize to his victim before draining them dry. (Buffy Staked Edward image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category)
Anyway, as the story plods along and you get less enthralled with Barnabus the movie gets more and more boring. The ending was hamhanded and chock full of deus ex machina. Stuff that possibly should have been hinted at or developed in the first 1/3rd of the film crops out of nowhere and solves problems with little to no effort on Barnabus’s part.
The stars. Johnny Depp was pretty amazing as Barnabus Collins. Two stars. Dialog for the most part was excellent. One star. Eva Green was driving me crazy through most of this. One star. Even though they didn’t get to show their talents much, I will give a star for Helen Bonham Carter and Chloë Moretz. One star. Costumes and visuals were generally very good. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. The script felt really unfocused and lethargic. Kind of like they tried to take an entire season of a soap opera and compress it into one movie. One black hole. Burton should have realized that after a while the audience would reach its saturation point on fish-out-of-water jokes. One black hole. Johnny Depp so eclipsed everyone else that no other performances were even possible, and all the other characters were left to wither on the vine. One black hole. The repeated shifting in tone for the main character from lighthearted witty fellow to murderer. One black hole. The Alice Cooper scene went on way too long. One black hole. The whole movie shifted gears in the last 20 minutes from horror/comedy to horror/tragedy. Overall the ending sucked. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of one black hole. Not great, but not irredeemable. If you happen to be a big Johnny Depp or Tim Burton you might enjoy it, and if you think they make magic together then definitely. Nothing visually that demands a theater, so wait to stream it. Date movie? Meh. She won’t find much offensive. On the other hand Johnny Depp with an accent is really hard to be compared to, so maybe give it a pass. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but if I had to pick the two scenes that stand out are the Alice Cooper musical tribute or the Barnabus/Angelique sex scene. In both cases the movie diverges from the only redeeming thing in the film-Johnny Depp delivering good dialog-and trust me when I say you will not see anything memorable.
Thanks for reading. I don’t know if I will get to see anything else this weekend. Maybe Pirates. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or post comments here. If you have specific questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a nice day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The great “Fast Zombie/Slow Zombie” debate.
So my best friend and I were discussing zombies this morning and came to the great debate of fast zombies versus slow zombies. Like most things in life I have an opinion on this matter and have no problem sharing with all of you.
Proponents of slow zombies say that this is the classic mode for zombies, from the Romero days and beyond. While capable of the occasional burst of speed when presented with a close victim, zombies have always moved with a slow, lumbering shamble and there is no reason to change that. Slow zombies tend to be the ones who need to be shot in the head to kill and are otherwise impervious to most other damage. They feel no pain or desire other than to eat the flesh (or brains) of the living. They are literally animated rotting corpses and tend to show it (Zombie Target courtesy of the Zombie T-Shirt category). Good slow zombie movies include any George Romero or Lugio Fulci films, Zombie Squad, Zombie Lake, the first two Resident Evil video games, the Walking Dead, Cemetery Man, Dead Snow, and Shaun of the Dead.
On the other hand, fans of fast zombies are quick to point out that the original zombie was not even a walking corpse but rather a drugged human in Haiti, and that the undead zombies are an evolution of zombiehood. Why not then extend the evolution further and have faster and faster moving zombies? Or, for that matter, why not have giant fast moving behemoths that are sort of related to zombies? Most fast moving zombies actually tend to be infected humans and in a weird way are more closely related to the original Haitian zombies. They therefore can be shot anywhere and be affected; however their total lack of fear or pain registration tends to make them pretty hard to put down. They also tend to mutate and grow things like claws and super long tongues that can strangle you, which again calls the whole zombiedom into question. Films that include fast zombies are 28 Days Later, Zombieland, Dawn of the Dead (the Zack Snyder remake), Return of the Living Dead, Dead Alive, and most modern video games like Left 4 Dead.
Honestly it boils down to tone, and for me slow zombies are what a zombie movie is all about. If you give a zombie anything faster than a stumble you turn the movie from a zombie film to a horror film. The zombies are just bad Freddy Kruggar clones sans sweater and claws, and fast motion belies the brainless nature that makes zombies less an active force bent on your destruction and more an unstoppable force of nature. The menace of the zombies is not in one fast zombie sneaking in under your arc of fire and killing you. It is in being overwhelmed by a stumbling horde of mindless eating machines. True zombie movies are in truth survival movies, and the zombies themselves are just another obstacle to confront the protagonists, along with issues of shelter, food, and gas.
Like George Romero always implies in his films, the real danger in a zombie movie is other humans, not the zombies. When you give zombies human-like abilities it degrades the zombie experience.
Thanks for reading. As for movie reviews, this is one of the bleakest weekends ever for film releases. Not only is there nothing I am excited to see, I can honestly say I am dreading most of them. I will see something later tonight and write it up tomorrow, but I am not really gung ho for it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or email me here with suggestions or ideas. If you have an opinion on the fast zombie/slow zombie issue please post a comment here. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Michael Bey looking to remake the Halloween series?
So I heard online a rumor that Transformers maker Michael Bey is looking to remake the whole Halloween series. I am more into horror movies than Dave is, and honestly don’t hate Michael Bey like he does either. I know there are too many explosions in his films, but I generally find them entertaining. At least, the first and third Transformers.
However, as a horror movie fan I have to say Michael Bey is probably one of the worst choices to remake these movies. The last horror movie he did was that horrible Nightmare on Elm Street remake a couple years ago. It was really worthless and boring. He just doesn’t really care enough to do a good job IMO. I don’t do the research for these that Dave does, but Rotten Tomatoes gave it 14%, which is god awful. He doesn’t do a lot of horror, so why does he need to regurgitate this one?
Honestly, I would have Rob Zombie do it. I like his films, and at least as far as horror goes he is in it to win it. As a real fan I think he would make a decent run at it, and at least he would bring along a dedicated fan base. I don’t think Bey has generated any fans who will go see anything he does, like with me and Sam Raimi.
This Micheal Myers image I found in Dave’s horror movie t shirts. Good image in my opinion.
Jason
Casa de mi Padre Review
I’m pretty sure they had a point, but I can’t figure out what the hell it was.
Casa de mi Padre is a study in “sort ofs”. It’s sort of funny. It’s sort of dumb. It’s sort of a spoof on a movie that sort of started off as a spoof. The cast sort of plays the roles seriously, while the entire movie is sort of silly. It’s sort of like watching a SNL 15 minute skit stretched out to 84 minutes, and it’s sort of like watching 84 minutes of Mexican drama on Telemundo.
One thing this movie is definitely not sort of is well paced. The film drags for comedic effect, because slow is always funny. At least one person in the row in front of me fell asleep and started snoring, and I was seriously wishing I could turn on my phone to check my email. That being said, most of the audience was laughing, but it was that special kind of desperate laughter one gets when they believe something should be funnier than it really is. Kind of like when you pay good money for a movie touted as a comedy that seems to have all the elements of funny, but doesn’t quite add up to really gut busting and you end up forcing yourself to laugh in order to not feel like you just got ripped off.
The one running gag was purposeful editing and continuity errors. Bad animatronic animals, painted on backdrops, horrible stunt man doubles, and repeated driving footage resound. It all would have been really campy and funny if they had purposefully shot it with poor quality camera effects, but the camera work was fairly flawless, making the dopey purposeful film errors seem really forced and fake. Honestly, if they had ramped the film effects back to the level of say, Six String Samurai, then it would have truly played out as a great spoof and tribute to Mexican drama. Instead it was like some jackass hipster wearing clothing from the local thrift store in spite of making six figures in order to seem more “real”.
The story. Will Ferrell (Zoolander, Stranger than Fiction, Anchorman, Talladega Nights. Zoolander image courtesy of the Movie T-Shirt category) plays Armando, son of a Mexican rancher and generally fairly dopey guy. His father has some ill defined problems but thinks Armando is to dumb to help. Armando’s brother Raul (Diego Luna-the Terminal, Y Tu Mamá También, Milk) comes home with his gorgeous fiance Sonia (Genesis Rodriguez-Prisonera, Man on a Ledge, Doña Bárbara. By the way, I said in my Man on a Ledge review that Genesis is my dream woman, and this movie only reinforced it). Armando finds out that Raul is involved in the drug trade and is here to take of the territory of another drug lord, Onza (Gael Garcia Bernal-Bad Education, the Science of Sleep, the Motorcycle Diaries). Armando confronts Raul and is uninvited from the wedding by his father. At the wedding the script gets hijacked by Scarface and the father is killed. Armando is shot, and while dying is visited by his spirit animal and has a dream vision that looks like the bullets were all laced with peyote. At that point it devolves into a goofy shooter that was equal parts Scarface, Police Academy, and the Three Stooges.
Anyway, the stars. There were portions of this film that were really funny. Two stars. I don’t know if Will Ferrell speaks Spanish or not, but he managed to make the role seem believable and passionate. One star. Genesis Rodriguez will always get a star from me. One star. I am also a fan of Will Ferrell from his Zoolander and Elf days. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. Pacing like watching a zombie horde cross a rocky slope. One black hole. Taking 20 minutes of funny and stretching it into 84. One black hole. Failing to deliver a point. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
So a total of two stars. Given the relatively low star and black hole count this movie sits right in the middle of mediocre. I actually left the theater kind of regretting spending the money on time, where even a really bad movie I often feel like I got something out of it. Worth seeing? If you are a Will Ferrell fan or watch a lot of Telemundo sure. Nothing on here needs to be seen on a big screen. In fact give the bad set backdrops and props it might even look better on a small screen. Netflix it IMO. Date movie? Meh. Like everything else in this film I am right in the middle on this. Maybe if there is nothing else to see.
Thanks for reading. Shortish review but that is what always happens when I get a movie that sits in the middle. Nothing to review tomorrow, but I have a couple things I want to write about so I will come up with something. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or email me questions or suggestions at [email protected]. Any comments on this review itself feel free to post here. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Hollywood “We Have No Imagination” Tour continues
So I was looking around online this morning and was struck by how many remakes and continuations/sequels are coming out soon. It pretty much looks like the so called creative types in Hollywood have thrown in the towel and are instead going to continued banking on making money on nostalgic morons who feel some kind of obligation to see a badly made movie based on something they watched as a kid when their brains were softer. Here are a few you can look forward to:
The Cat in the Hat animated (I guess they figure they don’t need Mike Myers). Home Alone 5, starring some new kid (looks like the mug shots of Macaulay Calkin don’t scream super cute kid anymore, although if they really wanted to do something cool they would star him as one of the burglars). Battleship (Are they kidding?). Red Dawn (I think the reason this movie worked back in the day was we were pretty tight in the cold war. Who do they think is going to invade now?). Weird Science. Short Circuit. Friday the 13th. Top Gun (hahahahaha). Judge Dredd. Akira. Annie. All Quite on the Western Front. 
Carrie (Image from the Horror Movie T Shirts). Child’s Play. Evil Dead. Mad Max (gah!). Pet Semetary. Point Break. Robocop. The Birds. The Crow. Barbarella (if this isn’t rated R I’m going to burn down the movie theater. However, since it looks like Katherine Heigl, odds are it won’t be). Drop Dead Fred. Starship Troopers. The NeverEnding Story. The Seven Samuraii. War Games. Time Bandits. American Psycho. Death Wish. Escape from New York. Heavy Metal. Lethal Weapon. Porky’s. Skarface. The Bodyguard. The Warriors. Westworld.
I don’t know how writers in Hollywood can call themselves writers anymore. Xerox machines, more like. Does anyone remember when movies were original and studios would take chances on films? Oh, yeah. Back when all these got made the first time.
Dave
What’s the deal with Prometheus?
So I have been seeing a lot of trailers about the new movie Prometheus, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what the hell is going on. Is it an Alien prequel? That seems to be the main thrust, and it does show the ship from Alien and some guy with something clamped to his face, but they don’t actually show any aliens. I see a lot of explosions and guys running around in space suits, but while the aliens are seriously implied they are never really shown or directly mentioned.
I for one would really enjoy a movie about aliens, but if this turns into one of those things where there is a lot of drama leading up to the appearance of the aliens and they only appear in the last 2 minutes I am going to be pissed. You know, kind of like the whole Star Wars prequels was supposed to be about Darth Vader and instead we get to see some whine emo kid acting badly, and the only time we actually see Darth Vader is at the end when he acts like a whiny emo kid who can’t act. Don’t do this to me again, dammit.
This cool Alien shirt I found in Dave’s movie t shirts. Talk to you soon.
Jason
Movie Review: Silent House
…but Deadly House.
To anyone who got that joke without any prompting, how are things going in your third grade class? Mine is great. Anyway, I saw Silent House last night and am kind of pleased. There are two kinds of horror movies. The first is the lame slasher film that has a double handful of teenagers getting butchered in assorted gruesome ways by some maniac in an isolated cabin in the woods (Friday the 13th image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirts). These films quickly devolved into a body count meter and are generally more comedy than horror. The second kind is the one where hardly anyone dies, but over the course of the film you get to really know and care about the characters and are therefore much more worried for them. The horror in these films is much more palpable, and your concern helps put you in their shoes. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is a good example of this, and Silent House definitely fits into that camp.
Another thing that makes this movie work for me is lead actress Elizabeth Olsen (Martha Marcy May Marlene and a bunch of Mary Kate and Ashley garbage). She has been playing third banana to the Olsen twins all her life, only to surface with her own acting career and an apparent ability to act that goes far beyond anything her sisters have done. In the story of my mind she is Cinderella. While her sisters are handed everything on a stick she has to work away in the kitchen, learning how to be a real actress, not a super hot novelty act, and consequently has smelted herself into an alloy far stronger than her sisters. I predict 20 years from now we will still be impressed with her performances while the Olsen twins will be another question on Trivial Pursuit Gen Y version.
Of course, I know nothing of the dynamics of the Olsen family or her relationship with the twins. I just like having stories in my head.
Anyway, Silent House. It is a creepy horror/psycho drama that I found intense and gripping. That is not to say there aren’t some problems, but overall I was totally engaged. The producers claim all 88 minutes was shot on one camera, with a few breaks here and there. I suppose that is doable, but I saw a lot of shots that would be easy to cut in and out of. The camera bounces around a lot, reminiscent of found footage but really more about trying to put you in Elizabeth’s shoes. For the most part it succeeds.
I won’t get too into the story, as it is pretty simple and also has some stuff I don’t want to spoil. Elizabeth Olsen plays Sarah, a young girl helping her father John (Adam Trese-40 Days and 40 Nights, Palookaville, Zodiac) and her uncle Peter (Eric Sheffer Stevens-As the World Turns, Law and Order: Criminal Intent, Body of Proof) fix up the dilapidated family lake house. The house is apparently built entirely of foyers, creepy hallways, and cramped bedrooms. Peter takes off after an argument with his brother, leaving Sarah and John alone in a spooky mansion.
At that point it appears someone is in the house with them. John gets knocked out, leaving Sarah alone to run, pant, and scream in terror at every turn. She is locked in the house and all the windows are boarded up. The power is out so she is left with some propane lanterns and a couple flashlights. There are a lot of scenes of her running, falling, hiding, and crying all over the place. Plots thicken, a dark secret about the house is revealed, and things seem to go from bad to worse.
The stars. Really scary at points. One star. You really feel Sarah’s terror, and connect nicely with her throughout the film. One star. Elizabeth Olsen is easy on the eyes. One star. A lot of things that seem to make little sense early on in the film (and would have rated some black holes) get wrapped up nicely towards the end. One star. Excellent performance from Elizabeth. She really can act. One star. Even if they did have to cut and splice a little, the camera work and shooting were all really long, hard to do scenes, making it all the more impressive. One star. Interesting, different movie from what we are used to seeing. One star. A horror movie that does not rely on body count. One star. Overall a fun, exciting movie. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. The movie struggles to give us any real insight into Sarah’s character beyond what is going on at the moment. One black hole. You know all those “Don’t go in there” moments you hate in horror films? This one has more than a few of them. One black hole. This movie was so intense and focused that I felt it really could have used a modest bit of comic relief. Cat in the closet sort of thing. One black hole. The jumpy camera made for some hard to follow scenes, and there were more than a few moments when the lighting meant we were staring at a grey blog on a black screen. The single camera made it hard to keep everything in focus. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of six stars. Excellent score, and kudos to Ms. Olsen for a job well done. If you are into this type of horror try to see it on a big screen as I think a lot of the jumpy camera and generally poor lighting will make some of the horror get lost on a TV. Not a good date movie IMO. Sure it’s scary, but I think the terror of the main character will hit your date pretty hard.
Thanks as always for reading. Nothing to see right now, but I think I am going to write up something tomorrow that I should have done a couple months ago. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or email me at [email protected]. Of course, you can always make a comment here as well. I have to run. Have a good day.
Dave
A Thousand Words Review
At least eight of them have to be synonyms for “confused”.
I had mixed feelings in anticipation of seeing this film. On the one hand, the trailers made it look like a mediocre rip off of Liar Liar. A fast talking guy who is good at making faces is somehow magically compelled to curtail his speaking behavior. But then I remembered enjoying Eddie in Tower Heist and thinking at the time maybe he had evolved past doing kiddie movies and was back to doing films adults could enjoy.
Unfortunately my first instinct was more correct. I say more, because it wasn’t 100%. Instead of being a rip off on one movie this film is an unhealthy mix of Liar Liar, Groundhog Day, and Jerry Macguire all stuffed into a giant blender, set on puree, and then left in the sun for a couple days. It starts off with a very old school Eddie Murphy slapstick comedy with Eddie playing Jack McCall, smooth and successful literary agent with a gift for gab. Then it shifts over to a mystical lesson being taught by the universe to curtail his bad ways, with a thick frosting of a cheesy spiritual journey to address his daddy issues. You start off kind of laughing and expecting the story to be the Clumps, but by the end of the film you are watching a serious drama with Eddie dealing with his impending death and his feelings for his long estranged and deceased father, his dementia afflicted mother, and his unhappy wife and child. I swear it felt like someone knocked me unconscious and dragged me into a different theater halfway through the screening.
Anyway, the story. Eddie Murphy plays Jack McCall, hotshot literary agent who uses his quick wit and fast tongue to get anything he selfishly desires. His wife (Kerry Washington-the Fantastic Four, Ray, the Last King of Scotland) is unhappy as he refuses to consider moving to a more family friendly house for their infant son. He is given the assignment by his boss (Allison Janney-the West Wing, Juno, Finding Nemo) to secure the rights to a book written by an extremely popular new age guru Dr. Sinja (Cliff Curtis-Training Day, Live Free or Die Hard, Three Kings), who’s whole philosophy (which is never actually explained in any detail) seems to have something to with finding the truth in the silence, or whatever. While signing Dr. Sinja Jack is cursed with a magical tree that pops up in his back yard. Every time he says a word a leaf falls from the tree. Dr. Sinja theorizes that when the tree is out of leaves Jack will die. He agrees to consult with other new age experts on what to do.
At that point some goofy slapstick comedy begins, although to be honest I preferred the smooth talking Eddie Murphy comedy from the first 20 minutes. 
Jack enlists his long abused assistant Aaron Wiseberger (Clark Duke-Hot Tube Time Machine, Kick Ass, Greek. Chernobly (the drink from Hot Tub Time Machine) image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) to be be the most awkward comic relief sidekick ever (I’m sorry, but this kid is only funny in a nerdy deadpan way. Watching him do schtick felt as natural as watching all the white guys do black jive in Bringing Down the House. Also, it should be considered a comedy warning sign when the writers feel the need to give an actor known for his great comedy a comic relief sidekick). Jack and Aaron bumble and ruin a couple of huge business deals and Jack gets fired. His wife attempts to seduce him but feels since he isn’t talking they cannot communicate and leaves, taking his child with her.
At this point we get into the unnecessary and really unasked for meat of the story, the spiritual journey where Jack learns to choose only words that have real meaning. He runs around making amends to all the people he had abused up until then (specifically the guy at Starbucks (Jack McBrayer-30 Rock, Forgetting Sarah Marshal, Despicable Me) and his building parking attendant). More emotional scenes come in and the whole story gets wrapped up with a bow made entirely of cheddar.
The stars. I do like Eddie Murphy, and he was good in the comedy scenes (if a little dated). One star. While it was a fairly mediocre movie, it weirdly didn’t feel like a mediocre movie. You could almost spot the bone structure of a decent movie under all the flab if crumminess. One star. I don’t want to bury this film in black holes because in spite of everything it was not unwatchable, so I will give it another star for exceeding my (fairly low) expectations. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Extremely derivative. One black hole. Trying to mix three different movies that have no business being on the same screen together. It’s like if instead of mixing chocolate and peanut butter you mixed chocolate and lead paint chips. One black hole. I felt a lot of frustration at Jack McCall’s inability to use simple solutions to fix a couple of his bigger problems. Had he actually explained to his wife early on with a minimum of words the situation it would have saved him a lot of pain. One black hole. The fact is the story never actually make sense, and no attempt is ever made to explain it. One black hole. Attempting to turn a lifetime straight man like Clark Duke into some kind of comedian. One black hole. Eddie Murphy is at his funniest when he is actually talking, so to put a gag on him is a crime against comedy. Furthermore, there were a couple “comedic” scenes I would like to have scrubbed from my cerebral cortex. One black hole. If each individual movie used to create this Frankenstein were studied they would all have major issues. The comedy just wasn’t that funny, the life lesson learned felt forced, and the spiritual journey felt really cheesy and trite. One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
So a grand total of five black holes. Not very good, but not bad enough to prevent you from watching it on a bored Tuesday night at home. Worth paying money to see? Not really, although I didn’t walk away feeling like I had wasted money seeing it. It’s relative inoffensiveness makes it a good film to take your mother to see, but other than that just wait for video. Date movie? I suppose, although really if you want a date movie go see the Vow.
Thanks for reading. I might see Silent House tomorrow if I get the chance. Looks creepy. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu, or feel free to post comments here. If you want to send a suggestion, as a question, or invite me to any upcoming movie screening (I’m still have to see these films after they come out. Come on, Hollywood. Hook me up. I promise any film that invites me to an advanced screening (I’m in the Bay Area) will probably put me in a more receptive mood towards the film. I’m not saying I won’t dump on it if it sucks. I’m just saying I will feel much more guilty for having done so and probably apologize during the review) feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Project X Review
Project Why?
Movies about kids having amazing fun and sex in high school are difficult for me to review objectively. My high school experience can only be favorable compared to the Bataan Death March. Between high school and my home life the closest thing to fun I had was throwing bottles at concrete walls on the walk home. Thus I am having to struggle on Project X to divorce my personal feelings and accurately judge this movie on it’s on merits.
Fortunately for my desire to hate all movies involving high school kids enjoying life, once I get past my curtain of bitterness the movie more or less sucks. It is the hideously deformed mutant love child of Superbad and the Hangover, only without the premise, good story, jokes, character dynamic, or script. The story is of the laziest quality, mostly being chunks of YouTube found footage with nothing really connecting the pieces beyond the premise of “let’s have the world’s biggest and most destructive party” combined with the important life lesson for teenagers “high school popularity can be gained by throwing the world’s biggest and most destructive party.” 
What is weird is the main writer, Michael Bacall, also wrote Inglorious Basterds and Scott Pilgrim versus the World, two good movies (actually I have issues with Scott Pilgrim, but that is more from personal issues than real problems with the script. Inglorious Basterds poster from the Movie T Shirt category). I can only figure the studio offered him a ton of money to write something Superhangover-ish, and he dashed out the script on a plane flight to Las Vegas.
I could easily say that the lack of story (or anything else) is simply endemic of the whole found footage movie genre, except for the fact that a couple weeks ago I wrote a review for Chronicle and found it to be extremely well done (Devil Inside was decent too). With those as examples of how a found footage film can rise above the limits of, well, being made of found footage, Project X instead takes the attitude that stories and plots are crutches for directors who don’t have the balls take inane party home movie montages and call it a film. Of the 88 minutes that comprise this movie, only about 30 of them were occupied by anything that could be interpreted as necessary for plot advancement or character development. The remaining hour or so is entirely composed of hot girls dancing in hot pants, swimming topless in a pool, kids drinking, doing drugs, breaking things, jumping off things, or generally destroying a house or two.
The part that galls me, however, is all that being said I actually found myself laughing out loud several times and in general enjoying it. I guess there is a reason party videos are fun to watch. There were a couple scenes I found really funny (including all the ones involving little person Martin Klebba, whom I just heard on an interview on the Howard Stern Show. There is nothing funnier than watching a little person punch a guy in the balls). The brief nude scenes and general hotness of the distaff cast was greatly appreciated by my insensitive straight libido, and the general destruction of everything in the house hearkens me back to the days when all I ever wanted to do was destroy a rich persons home.
The story is, in case you were brain dead while reading the last few paragraphs, of a high school kid who’s parents leave town and he and his two friends destroy the entire neighborhood with the Little Boy of house parties. That’s pretty much it. There is some kind of sub plot involving the main kid Thomas (Thomas Mann. No real credits worth mentioning) having a thing for his childhood friend Kirby (Kirby Bliss Blanton-not a whole lot of credits more than Thomas. She did a couple episodes of Entourage), who is supposed to be the plain Jane that he falls for because of her personality rather than because she was so hot she made my teeth ache. He screws that up by hooking up with the hottest girl in the school Alexis (Alexis Knapp-Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, Couple Retreat, Look). There is another sub plot about a ripped off drug dealer who shows but I can’t remember the point of that really.
By the way, is it worrisome that all the actors in this film are playing characters named after themselves? I guess this is an attempt to make this actually look like a real video, but I can’t help but think this is just more lazy film making.
Anyway, kids get drunk. Stuff gets wrecked. Girls are for the most part treated with the same respect you would accord any group of crack addicted strippers (I’m sure the feminists of the world will be thanking the film producers for such an advancement). The story, which started out lagging, is more or less forgotten for about 50 minutes straight. Then, like a collage student suddenly remembering a term paper due in two hours, kicks in for the last 10 minutes in an attempt to actually give the story some kind of conclusion (and more or less failing).
The stars. Like I said, the film had some funny moments and I found myself laughing. One star. Lots of hot women, with some marginally rated R nudity. One star. For some reason this film got a much better performance out of most of the actors than it really deserved. Either the cast is comprised of some really talented future actors or it doesn’t take much of a stretch for teenagers to act like drunken morons at a party. One star. In spite of everything, it wasn’t unfun to watch. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. No story. Two black holes. Completely derivative of (or ripped off from) Superbad and the Hangover. Two black holes. The few plot devices actually wedged between dance party scenes (like why was there a camera guy filming the whole thing, etc) were hamhanded and crude. One black hole. My personal hatred of films trying to convince the world how much fun high school is (if you actually enjoyed high school disregard this one. Also, know that I hate you). One black hole. The fact that the lack of story and the found footage format made me feel like I just spent 88 minutes watching random YouTube videos. Seriously, I kept wanting to minimize the screen and check my email. One black hole. There was one particular character I kept hoping would die of alcohol poisoning. One black hole. The title of the film has nothing to do with the film itself. Would someone please tell the producers that the whole “add X to a title automatically makes it cooler” phenomenon is pretty much overplayed and done. Kids are for the most part wise to that. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
So a grand total of five black holes. Pretty bad, although to be honest based on the trailers I thought it would score much worse. Like I said, it is not not fun to watch. If you are in high school (or are one of those losers who keeps wishing he was back in high school) you might enjoy it. If you can sneak a bottle of Night Train into the theater with you and proceed to down it odds are you will love this film. Good date movie? Absolutely not. Worth seeing in a theater? Honestly, no. The best treatment for this film would be to wait for it to come out on video and then watch it at home with a bunch of your friends and a large supply of alcohol.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu, or post a comment here or via email at [email protected]. I just notice Jason hasn’t posted anything recently either so I will get him back on track here. I can’t do a movie review every day. There are a couple movies floating around that I haven’t seen like Gone or Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds, so I will see what I can see this week. Thanks again. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
The Post Oscarlyptic Review
I should have done this yesterday, but this week is kind of crazy. I don’t really want to tell you what I have going on, as it makes me look like an uber dork, but I will. I have a tournament for Warhammer coming up this weekend and have to get four new models painted before Friday. Wish me luck at the tournament please.
Anyway, I did not actually watch the Oscars. Watching the massively wealthy, successful, and great looking people of Hollywood give each other phallic golden statues kind of annoys me, and some of the acceptance speeches by actors or actresses I formally respected makes me regret having ever seen a movie in my life. From what I heard about the event I didn’t miss much. Sounds like the same bland pap and smug self congratulatory ass kissing that goes on every year, although according to reports this year got even more boring.
However, I would be remiss in my duties as a self proclaimed movie reviewer if I did not at least comment on what movies got what awards. For the most part I was not grievously offended by most of the awards, and was gratified to see that Tree of Life got what it deserved, which was el zilcho (and in truth the director should be parking cars at the Oscars next year). I’ll go through them in the order of the list I just found on the interlink.
Best Cinematography-Hugo. This makes sense. Given that Martin Scorsese seems to have done this movie more to learn new filming techniques and 3D it works for me that he would do some amazing cinematography. Also he is a brilliant director and knows his way around a camera. Hugo image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category.
Best Art Direction-Hugo. Again, this film was made for amazing visuals, and the sets and props in this movie rocked.
Best Costume Design–The Artist. Didn’t see it. Probably not going to see it. I know. I’m a neanderthal. From what I saw the costumes looked pretty good, and nothing else jumps into my mind for great costumes.
Best Make Up–The Iron Lady. This one threw me off at first. When I think of Best Make Up I go to Evil Ash from Army of Darkness. But then I thought about this movie and the way the make up artist successfully made Meryl Streep look both young and vibrant and old and decrepit. I lot of that goes to Streeps acting ability, but a healthy share belongs to the make up. Kudos.
Best Foreign Language Film-A Separation. Didn’t see it. I just looked it up and odds are I should see it, although I think I might find it depressing.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role–Octavia Spencer, the Help. I applaud this choice. I loved her in this movie and thought she really rocked it. I was torn on this one between her and Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids. I think they made a good choice here, however.
Best Film Editing–The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I can see this. I thought the pacing of this movie was excellent, and that is a reflection of the editing.
Best Sound Editing-Hugo. It seemed pretty obvious to me that Hugo was destined to win all the technical awards. Sound was good in this one.
Best Sound Mixing-Hugo. Has there ever been a movie that won Best Sound Editing that hasn’t won Best Sound Mixing? Why are they really separate awards?
Best Documentary Feature-Undefeated. Didn’t see this one. Documentary films rarely do much for me, unless it’s about Star Trek fans.
Best Animated Film-Rango. I can see this. I didn’t review this film as I saw it on video but it was certainly good. Better than Tintin.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role–Christopher Plummer, Beginners. I didn’t see this one, but enjoyed him in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Best Original Score-the Artist. Given that there was no dialog and the film was entirely score, it makes sense that they would win this.
Best Song–the Muppets, Man or Muppet. I don’t know. I loved the film and most of the songs were pretty good, but this song was sung by new Muppet Walter (the most boring Muppet since since Blandy McBlanderson) and Jason Segal (the second most boring Muppet since Blandy). Seems like they could have picked a better one. I think they voted this one just because the name is easy to remember and associate with the film.
Best Adapted Screenplay–the Descendants. Excellent choice in my opinion. I can’t really speak of this since I didn’t see the Artist, but I think it should have won best film.
Best Original Screenplay–Midnight in Paris. I did enjoy this movie. I don’t know if would have been my first choice, but I don’t find this choice objectionable.
Best Live Action Short-The Shore. Isn’t this another term for Best YouTube Video? That’s what it sounds like. I suppose it’s a short made with live actors rather than a cartoon. I didn’t see any of the nominees. I don’t have time to watch movies these days.
Best Documentary Short–Saving Face. I am more likely to watch a documentary short than a full on documentary. I blame my MTV generation.
Best Animated Short-The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr Morris Lessmore. Didn’t see this one, but it sounds like one of those whimsical cartoons parents love and wish their kids would love but the kids hate.
Best Director–Michel Hazavanicius, the Artist. Again, didn’t see it. Congratulations to Mr. Hazavanicius. I don’t know if lightning will strike twice.
Best Actor in a Leading Role-Jean Dujardin, the Artist.
Best Actress in a Leading Role–Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady. I totally agree with this one. Meryl Streep is an exceptional actress and totally deserves this in my opinion.
Best Picture-The Artist. OK, I’ll go see it and review it dammit!
That’s it. Thanks for reading as always. Like I said I’m super busy right now and might have to back off movies this week. I’ll try to sneak off and see something before Friday. Maybe a midnight showing of some kind. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or email me [email protected] with questions, comments, or suggestion. Feel free to post a comment here and as long as you keep it clean and I understand what you are asking I will approve it. Talk to you soon.
Dave
