Movie Review: The Immortals 3D
This movie was actually shot in 3B. 3 beers and it looks pretty good.
Thank you Doug and Bob Mackenzie. So I haven’t done a lot of reviews lately mainly because I was broke all last week. On a completely unrelated note does anyone know how an amateur movie review can get free screenings from the studios or theaters? If you happen to have a clue let me know. However, yesterday was pay day and I celebrated by seeing the Immortals 3D, another Greek epic staring shirtless, chest hairless pretty boys and Mickey Roarke.
I can honestly say I wasn’t disappointed, mainly because I kind of expected it to suck. Yes, I know it was produced by Mark Canton, the producer of the 300, but he also produced Red Planet, Piranha 3D, and Jack Frost. Honestly, 300 is the only credit worth anything, and I didn’t see any other guys crossing over, so assuming lightning is going to strike twice for the same guy (without Frank Miller, by the way) is kind of like assuming you can remake the amazing tasting margarita you had last week when all you have is the ice. The trailers made it look more like another Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief than the 300, which it more or less was. The lack of an amazing, Frank Miller-esque story kind of turned all the rated R action into more of a joke than anything else (the only credit the writers have worth anything was the Royal Tenenbaums, but that doesn’t exactly scream epic battle movie).
(300 image courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
The movie was plague by issues. For a story that drove straight ahead like a freight train, it was shockingly lacking a point. The acting played out like a civil war in the Screen Actors Guild between the oppressive monotone Valium cartel and the plucky, scenery chewing over the top acting revolutionaries. The CGI scenery and backdrops looked like they were all photocopied from the pages of Heavy Metal magazine (there’s a 70/80’s nerd reference), and the 3D effects were laughable and actually hurt the visuals. Honestly, if you are going to make a 3D movie do us a favor and shoot it in 3D. Don’t 3D it up in post and charge me more money for a souvenir pair of headache inducing glasses.
Anyway, the story. I might go a little spoiler heavy here, so skip a couple paragraphs if that bothers you. Micky Roarke plays King Hyperion, the evil king of some country who is bent on destroying the gods for the death of his family. Ironically, in spite of the fact that he was supposed to be evil I found him to be the most appealing character, the one with the most development, and in the end the guy I was rooting for. At least he had a motivation I could relate to. He intends to do so by releasing the Titans, ancient enemy of the gods who are imprisoned in a BDSM cage. How he assumes an old enemy the gods beat once are going to kill them the second time around is beyond me, as is the motivation for the gods to keep the Titans alive after defeating them. Anyway, this is all foretold by the Virgin Oracle (Freida Pinto, the super hot veterinarian from Rise of the Planet of the Apes) and her three decoys. Anyway, Hyperion is tearing ass across Greece and about to come to a village nestled cozily into the side of a massive cliff. This is home of Thesius, the “hero” (played by Henry Caville, the next Superman in the upcoming Man of Steel where, is a shocking fit of originality, he goes toe to toe with General Zod). For the rest of this review I shall refer to Thesius as Blandy McBlanderson (Blandy son of Bland), as his acting, notability, and screen presence could not only put you to sleep but possibly induce a coma. He should have been a Navy Seal, as he so blends in with the scenery you completely forget he is on screen.
Anyway, Blandy is a bastard (literally) and lives in poverty with his mother in the cliff village. I normally talk about dues ex machina when I see the hand of God pushing the plot along, but in this movie the gods not only do what they can to help but have speaking and action rolls. Hyperion conquers the village, kills Blandys mother, and casts him into the salt mines or something. Meanwhile there is some kind of subplot involving Lysander (Joseph Morgan, from the Vampire Diaries), who betrays the Greeks and joins Hyperion only to be rewarded by being castrated and having most of his face torn off. It seems like there is something going to happen but then it just ends with no point. Blandy goes to work carrying beams and, like all filthy slaves, is allowed to drink from a beautiful, crystal clear fountain right next to the very beautiful Virgin Oracle, who is Hyperions prisoner. She is so valuable (she apparently knows where the magic bow that can release the Titans is located) that Hyperion assigns like three guys to watch her and the slaves in this one tower village. Naturally, they all escape. Greek battle hijinks ensues. The good guys somehow survive a tar tsunami. The Virgin Oracle gives it up to Blandy so fast it makes your eyes spin (as does the completely gratuitous nude scene. Ever seen a bare ass closeup on a screen 40 feet tall? Kind of weird, actually. Pretty sure it was a body double). Meanwhile her decoys suffer horribly. The gods apparently have some rule against helping mortals (that doesn’t sound like Greek mythology to me. Back then the gods were in mortals business like a nosy church lady living next door) that Zues enforces with lethal enthusiasm. Apparently he posed as an old man and trained Blandy, but that doesn’t count. The one thing he wants Blandy to do is keep the Titans from escaping, which Blandy fails miserably at. Lots of “Immortals” die. You spend the final simultaneous three fight scenes more or less rooting for both sides (Micky Roarke has a lot more appeal than Blandy, the Titans have been in serious bondage for thousands of year and the gods are complete jerks, and the Greek mortals are such non-entities that you couldn’t care less who won that fight).
Anyway, the stars. Greek mythology movie. One star. Mickey Roarke. One star. The action was pretty good (could have used more of it IMO). Two stars. Super hot Frieda Pinto, and a nice nude scene. One star. The sneaking suspicion that had I been even a little drunk or stoned this movie would have seemed brilliant. Two stars. In spite of the lack of specific stars, the movie overall was at least sort of entertaining. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. Story without a point. One black hole. None of the characters made me feel any kind of connection or appeal except for Mickey Roarke, and he was supposed to be the bad guy. One black hole. Set design as done by a twelve year old. One black hole The CGI and 3D effects were actually kind of lame, and really hurt the action. One black hole. The gore was clearly fake, and kind of hurt the action. I honestly think they could have done better with clay and fake blood. One black hole. Really, really, really, really dumb costume designs. Seriously. The people on screen were either wearing slave rags, armor, or hats that would embarrass a troupe of drag queens on LSD. One black hole. While I understand the need to have everything in English (although for some reason the four Oracle girls spoke Greek), no attempt was made to make the language or wording appropriate for the subject matter. All the actors sounded like customers at the Beverly Center. One black hole. A bunch of “oh, duh” moments and the inspirational speech Blandy delivers to the Greeks toward the end had me laughing. It was also pretty pointless. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
So a perfect zero. Not surprising based on how I felt leaving the film. If your local theater is down the street from a bar and or you can down a sixer of Shiner Bock before heading into the movie you should really enjoy it. If you ARE going to see it I would say go to a theater, as the battle scenes will get lost on a smaller screen. However, don’t waste your money on the 3D. Not a good date movie at all. See it with your drunk friends.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. My movie budget is nicely expanded this week, so I should get more in soon. Talk to you later.
Dave
Tower Heist Movie Review
I was very pleasantly surprised. I guess I should have had faith in Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy’s ability to pick a script that didn’t suck, but honestly the trailers made this look like a bad 48 Hours remake and given the fact that for the past few years Eddie has been doing Daddy Daycare and the like, I was expecting something painful. Not in the least.
The fact is, this movie is well written, clever, and above all funny without being goofy schtick. The humor is subdued enough to make you appreciate it, as well as the acting ability of the main characters as they deliver the lines. Eddie Murphy’s character Slide does borrow heavily from Reggie Hammond, but does not reprise the character entirely and makes this one less clever and sophisticated, but much more street smart and, to be honest, believable. In fact, all the characters are 
extremely believable, especially Josh Kovacs, played by one of my favorite actors Ben Stiller, star of the great Zoolander (Derek Zoolander Center for Children who can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too image courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
The story is of Josh Kovacs, manager and majordomo of the most plush building in all of Manhattan, the Tower. While working for some of the richest people on the planet he is living in a slum and gets hassled by Eddie Muphy’s character Slide as he goes to work every day. He is aided by a dedicated staff of doormen, security personal, and cleaning staff including his brother-in-law concierge Charlie (Casey Affleck – Good Will Hunting, Gone Baby Gone), veteran doorman Lester (Stephen Henderson – Everyday People, the Good Heart, Keane), new elevator operator Enrique Dev’Reaux (Micheal Peña – Shooter, Million Dollar Baby, Crash), and maid Odessa (Gabourey Sidebe – Precious. That’s it. Glad to see her adding to her filmography). Their richest resident is Arthur Shaw (cough cough Bernard Madoff cough cough), played excellently by the great Alan Alda (Mash of course. A few others but Mash is more than enough), who gets arrested for securities fraud after taking every employees pensions and life savings.
I’d like to add a thought here on the brilliance of casting Mr. Alda for this. If there is one thing the otherwise weak Schwarzenegger film the Running Man taught us is that if you take a beloved American icon and cast him in the role of a villain, he somehow seems much more evil. It worked for Richard Dawson, and in all ways works great for Alan Alda here.
In comes FBI agent Claire Denham (played by the one time love of my life, Téa Leoni. If you want to see why I loved her set the way back machine to 1992 and watch a short lived comedy called Flying Blind. She also starred in Deep Impact, Jurassic Park III, and the Family Man. She was also married to sex addict David Duchovny. She has gotten older, but still looks super hot), who caught Shaw and now has to see him under house arrest in his fabulous penthouse. She gets hammered one night and tells Kovacs that Shaw must still have a secret stash of money somewhere in his place. That is when Kovacs decides to rob Shaw. He just got fired for going nuts on Shaw and recruits evicted former tenant Mr. Fitzhugh (Matthew Broderick – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Glory, Godzilla 1998 (eww)), Charlie, Enrique, and Odessa. They quickly realize they don’t have the skill set required and recruit career criminal Slide, who aids them in the robbery while forcing them to prove they have what it takes to rob someone in humorous ways.
Crime comedy hijinks ensues. I don’t want to give away much of the plot, as I liked it a lot and hope you all go see it, but at one point the ridiculous meter dips so deep into the red it actually hits infrared. Other than that the movie is fun, super entertaining, and ends in what I thought was the most appropriate way.
The stars. Great, fun story well told. Two stars. I would like to give a star for every great actor in this film, but that would actually skew it too far in the star direction. It’s a good movie, but it’s no Wrath of Khan. Murphy, Stiller, Alda, Leoni, even Matthew Broderick would be five stars. I’ll just give three for great casting. Very real characters. One star. Dialog and direction were great. One star. No annoying subplots or unnecessary characters. Even the weird Russian girl (Nina Arianda – Midnight in Paris) had a significant role. One star. An ending that made sense (mostly) and didn’t have any sugar frosting smeared on it to make it more palatable to the unwashed morons of this country. One star. Two bonus stars for an overall pleasant movie experience that exceeded my expectations. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes. For a movie that seemed to work hard to stay funny in the real world, when they got to the actual robbery they went in a really stupid direction and completely blew out my suspension of disbelieve circuit (sorry, but elementary violations of the laws of physics even a grade school child could spot grinds me like sandpaper underwear). Two black holes. The humor, which until the robbery had been pretty low key and subtle, took a left turn down Three Stooges alley and cruised there for most of the rest of the movie (ever see the one where they are skyscraper construction workers?). Tonal shifts 3/4ths of the way through the movie rarely work. One black hole. There was a romantic undercurrent that felt really undeveloped. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
I will say that this movie was rated PG-13 and in all ways worked at that rating. It was one that didn’t need to go any deeper into R. Kudos to director Brett Ratner (who managed to insert a speaking cameo). However, Brett, you are going to have to come up with a few more great movies to make up for X-Men Last Stand and Rush Hour.
So a total of seven stars, a great score. Should you see it? Absolutely. Do you need to see it on a big screen? Not really. There are a couple scenes towards the end that benefit from being on a bigger screen, but like most comedies this one will do just fine on a TV. Good second date film, IMO, in that it is funny, but not super sexual. Also, none of the people in this movie are super Hollywood hot, so unless she has a thing for Eddie Murphy you won’t lose anything in comparison.
Thanks for reading. I fell way behind in my movie watching this last week and will try to nail a few more down this week. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. By the way, I did great the first day at the Warhammer Tournament and got my ass beat on the second by a guy I hate like I hate the Star Wars Holiday Special, so kind of a bummer weekend. I probably would have done better sitting on my ass at home writing more.
Dave
10 Best Movie Chase Scenes
OK, I have been flaking a lot on my blogging lately, but the fact is I have been super busy getting ready for this Warhammer tournament. I am sitting in the bar at the hotel in San Antonio and had some time to kill, so I thought I would crank this out. I have been working on this list for a while, and like it a lot.
The weird thing is I checked a bunch of other lists and they don’t exactly have a lot in common with mine. I guess I have a different perception of what is cool in a chase scene.
10. Bullitt. Great scene all around as they tear ass through San Francisco, my second favorite city. Ever wonder what it looks like when you manual a car? This movie can show you (that was a skateboard joke).
9. Ronin. This one, Bullitt,and the next one on my list are pretty standard for best chase scene lists, but it’s obvious this one is on it for a reason. This movie is like a huge single chase scene across Europe, with occasional pit stops to load up on food, fuel, and ammunition. They destroyed over 80 cars in the shooting of this flick, and even hired an F1 driver to do a lot of it.
8. the French Connection. Yes, I guess I am slowly turning into one of those snooty movie jackasses who feels the need to reference “the classics”, but I can’t deny this one is pretty epic. There has been a rumor around for years that they filmed this one in New York without permission from the city, but I have my doubts.
7. Bladerunner. I never said this was all car chases. I have always liked the scene where Deckard chases down Zhora, the replicant girl with the snake. Great foot race, and she takes a header through a plate glass window, only to have Leon almost choke him to death.
6. the Blues Brothers. Hey, they wrecked a mall and a bunch of cop cars. That mall was scheduled for demolition, but it must have been a ton of fun to film. Just thinking of driving through all that plate glass makes me all tingly.
5. Smokey and the Bandit. This movie was nothing but a chase scene. Great film, with good humor. Unfortunately it introduced us to the incompetent hillbilly sheriff who plague films for about 15 years afterwards.
4. Terminator 2. Motorcycle to helicopter to big rig hauling liquid nitrogen, this scene had it all. The best line was Arnold saying “This is the vehicles maximum velocity” as they ripped along at 5o MPH.
3. Last of the Mohicans. Another foot race, but one of the best. To be honest, this movie kind of drags for a long time, but the final chase scene with Hawkeye, Uncas, and Chingachgook chasing down Magua makes it all worthwhile. Even more amazing was the soundtrack for the scene, which to this day rocks for me.
2. the Empire Strikes Back. Yes, I’m a fanboy, but the Millennium Falcon running through an asteroid belt chased by six TIE fighters only to hide in a cave that is actually the gullet of a giant sock puppet and eventually escape by attaching itself to the outside of an Imperial Star Destroyer is in all ways awesome. Watching this movie over and over again sometimes makes the pain of Episodes I-III feel more like a severe bowel obstruction rather than getting punched in the balls over and over again for six hours. (Empire logo courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirt category)
1. the Road Warrior. The final chase scene makes this movie, which is great anyway. An interesting fact is from the moment Max starts the engine until he crushes Wes on the grill of the Humungous’s car and lays the truck on it’s side the camera never stops moving. Another interesting fact is they did stunts in this film you will never see in another film. The reason is they didn’t hire stunt drivers. They hired guys off the Australian demolition derby circuit, and those guys would do anything. The differences are subtle, but if you pay close attention you will realize that, instead of the standard “car gets hit and crashes because the driver is planning it or not even in the car” they would do stuff like have the car get t-boned by the truck, straiten out, and keep on driving. It doesn’t sound like much until you think about it, but once you do it kind of blows your mind. Watch it again and understand how the lack of huge crashes and explosions is actually an improvement over the standard Hollywood pap.
I also like the fact that Max didn’t really start kicking ass until after all his helpers were killed.
That’s it. I have to get to sleep. Big day of Warhammer tomorrow. I will be seeing a bunch of movies this week and will try to write something every day. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKung Fu. Thanks for reading. If you disagree with this list or think I missed something feel free to post a comment. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Johnny English Reborn Review
Comedy through repetition.
This movie was something of a landmark for me, in that this is the first movie I have seen in years (and most definitely since I started doing these reviews) wherein I can pinpoint the exact moment it officially started to suck. Most movies either start off sucking, like walking into a boring political theory lecture where the professor insist on calling everyone Mr. or Ms. So and So, or they start off looking like something almost decent but the suckage steadily builds pressure like an impending bowel movement at a giant swap meet where the only toilets are Porto-Potties that haven’t seen a cleaning hose in many a moon. You keep trying to deny the need to express the suckage, but eventually you have to bite the bullet and admit that what you have been watching for the last 45 minutes has been total garbage.
No, this movie picked an exact moment to shift from stupid/funny to just plain old stupid. In case you were wondering, it’s when Johnny English is flying a helicopter to get a dying man to a hospital and decides the best way is to follow the road. At a height of two feet. Until then it was definitely dumb, but dumb in a funny way. After that the funny was smothered by the pillow of stupidity.
That’s kind of a lot of analogies for two paragraphs, but it has been that kind of day. Anyway, Johnny English Reborn. Yes, it is a sequel and no, I did not see the first one. Does that make me unqualified to review the sequel? Probably. However, unless the first one was the Citizen Kane of physical comedies, I am pretty sure I got the gist of what this character is about. He’s a cocktail made with equal parts James Bond, Jacues Cousteau, and Austin Powers filtered through a dog hair colander and left underground for a few months to ferment into comedy kim chee. Did I miss anything? I don’t think so.
Anyway, between the last movie and this one Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson – Mr. Bean, Mr. Bean’s Holiday, Johnny English, the Lion King) was disgraced in Mozambique for letting the new president get assassinated. He has spent the last five years living with Tibetan monks learning how to get kicked in the balls. For no reason whatsoever a former CIA operative has some kind of top secret information and says he will only give it to Johnny, in spite of the fact that they both act like they never met each other. Johnny gets pulled back into MI7 (which is now partnered up with Toshiba, a running gag that probably looked a lot funnier on paper) by a long lost dream woman of mine, Gillian Anderson (Scully was in many ways the perfect woman. Hot, super smart, red headed, carried a gun, and used handcuffs. What more could a guy ask for?). He is partnered up with Tucker, a young agent (Daniel Kaluuya. His filmography feels a bit on the sparse side), who goes with them to meet the CIA guy. A Chinese sexagenarian hit/cleaning woman (Pik Sen Lim, and the only character who I consistently liked) with a killer vacuum kills his contact, but Johnny learns of a secret team of assassins called Vortex, who are out to kill the Chinese Prime Minister. Johnny gets one of the three key parts absolutely needed for Vortex to accomplish their goal but loses it in a bumbling scene that would embarrass Cousteau.
Anyway, he gets in trouble. More assassins are uncovered. He goes through a really long and drawn out chase scene in a powered wheelchair through London. A super hot blond falls in love with him for no apparent reason. Some not really funny running gags get beaten into the ground until you literally want to gag. More Austinteaubondian hijinks ensue. The plot twists feel more like gentle bends on a freeway, and are in almost all circumstances facilitated by the general stupidity of not just English but the entire cast.
The stars. There were some funny moments, especially some of the physical comedy. That is one thing Rowan Atkinson can really do. One star. Gillian Anderson. One star. The Chinese cleaning woman/assassin was funny. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes. The biggest problem is the movie couldn’t decide if it was a comedy action spy movie or an action spy movie with comedy elements. The story and plot were too serious to be a good vehicle for slapstick, and the slapstick was too over the top to allow you to take the story seriously. One black hole. Rated PG, not even PG13. At this point I don’t think PG13 has ever hurt a movies’ gross. Put a curse word in there somewhere. One star. Beating multiple dead horses. One black hole. Not even an attempt to make the movie remotely smart or clever. I expect more from movies that feature British accents. One black hole. All the characters were hand picked from the shelves of Stereotypes-R-Us. One black hole. At the end of this comedy, I just didn’t find it very funny. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of three black holes. Look, it’s pretty obvious what happened here. The first Johnny English bombed horribly here in the US, but did phenomenally well overseas. Rowen Atkinsons physical comedy translates well, and we see a lot of it here, including a one-hand-against-the-other fight scene lifted almost frame for frame from the Evil Dead 2 (Ash image courtesy of the horror movie t shirts). I don’t think the producers of this film expect to have lightning strike so much as they are going to milk the international cow. This sort of thing makes money, I guess. It just seems that if you are going to go to the effort of making a film that you plan to release in the US anyway, why not put some effort into it and make it work here too?
I’d say don’t see this film until it shows up on NetFlix streaming, and at that point smoke a lot of pot while watching it. It won’t hurt your brain. If you have kids the PG rating makes it very appropriate, and it is funny enough and entertaining enough to keep mom and dad from clawing out their eyes while watching. Otherwise let’s just throw it on the pile.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I have no idea what’s coming up this weekend. I think I will do another Star Trek retrospective tomorrow. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Top 10 and Worst 5 Kurt Russell Movies
I was supposed to see something tonight, but everything seemed to suck and I wasn’t in the mood. Instead I am going to publish something I have been working on, my list of the best and worst Kurt Russell movies.
I got this idea while working on my the Thing review, and have been thinking about it. Kurt Russell has had quite the film career, and seems to waver between loser and super tough action guy. Personally I’m drawn to the action guy, but they are all good (or bad). Here we go with the best:
10. Stargate-not many people besides me remember that Kurt Russell was the original Col. Jack O’Niel. While this movie was kind of crap, it earns it’s slot on my list (albeit at the bottom) for spawning one of the greatest sci fi TV shows ever.
9. Dark Blue-Kurt plays a sort of corrupt but really dedicated cop who pushes things a little too far but then starts to question himself. I liked this one as it was a real arc for Kurt’s character, and did not have a pat happy ending. Also, Ving Rhames always makes me happy when I see him in a movie, and honestly he is a guy who has worked hard to not get typecast.
8. Escape from LA-OK, yes this was just a remake of Escape from NY, but any movie featuring a one eyed Snake Plisskin gets props in my book. Also, I was living in LA when this came out, and it was fun to see the parts of town I was hanging out in as a post-apocalyptic wasteland. This movie, as cheesy as it was, it did feature one of the best gun fights of all time, which ended with Snake uttering the word “Draw”.
7. Backdraft-odds are this movie should be ranked higher, as it was really well done and I like firefighters. Just not enough sci fi for me. However, in addition to being a great story, the pyro special effects were amazing, back in the day of no CGI. Ron Howard is an amazing director.
6. Soldier-I love this movie. I own it on DVD and watch it about once a year. I can’t even tell you why. It’s kind of dopey and super camp. I think I just like the idea of super soldiers trained from birth. Also, for a guy who is supposed to show no emotion Kurt manages to give you some pretty cool feelings from his performance.
5. Grindhouse-Death Proof-yes, while there are any number of issues you can have with Grindhouse, everyone will admit the best part (or least bad part) is Kurt Russell as Stuntman Mike. I guess he just inhabits that role very well.
4. Tombstone-Another Kurt Russell I am good to watch about once a year. While it is weird to see Kurt, who normally plays an outlaw, play lawman Wyatt Earp, he really plays the part well. Of course, it was Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday who made the movie pop. The strange thing is I don’t think I ever really considered him as a serious actor until that role. Plus, this movie gets the award for the best Kurt Russell mustache of all time.
3. The Thing-weird shapechanging alien escapes the dreaded Norwegians and tears ass through an American antarctic research base. Kurt plays a helicopter pilot with the unlikely name of R.J. MacReady and kicks ass. I will take a serious look at any John Carpenter movie, and this one is a great example of why. Also, I love the creepy, ambiguous ending.
2. Escape from NY-the movie that introduced us to Snake Plisskin and the mission to rescue the President from the slums of Manhattan. Snake is such a good character and such an all around bad ass that you can’t help but love this movie. Also, it inspired a pizza place in San Francisco called Escape from New York Pizza, which does a decent NY style pizza. If you find yourself on Haight stop by and get a slice. If nothing else, the attitude of the kids behind the counter is hilarious.
1. Big Trouble in Little China-sigh. Words cannot accurately describe how much and in what ways I love this film. Action with an awesome sense of humor, this is another phenomenal John Carpenter movie. Kurt plays Jack Burton, an over the top truck driver who gets embroiled in a supernatural war between Chinese spiritual factions in Little China of San Francisco. Not only does he manage to pull the witty everyman off to a t, but he does it without resorting to being some kind of super powered action guy. Mostly he gets lucky, and is hilarious while doing it. If you haven’t seen it jump on board the cool boat with your Captain Dave. (Pork Chop Express image courtesy of the movie t shirt category). I would also like to add that this movie has some of my all time favorite quotes. Here are a few that stick with me in particular:
Jack Burton: “That is not water.”
Egg Shen: “It’s black blood of the earth.”
Jack: “Do you mean oil?”
Egg: “I mean black blood of the earth.”
Another one.
Lo Pan: “Shut up, Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this earth to get it!”
Of course, the funny thing about the career of Kurt Russell is he seems destined to do some god awful movies too. You can’t even say there is a progression, as in he did crappy movies when he was just starting out but now does only great ones. Six months after doing something awesome he comes out with a movie that makes you wish humans had never developed the sense of sight. Here, in my opinion, are the five worst movies he has ever done.
5. Posiedon– as a general rule I would say never get involved with anyone named Wolfgang, as in Wolfgang Peterson, the director of this 2006 bomb. For some reason they always sound creepy. It got a well deserved Golden Raspberry for Worst Remake. At the time it had really great CGI, and made a good amount of money, so I guess it’s not fair to call it a bomb. Culturally awful, however. Bad Titanic.
4. Tequila Sunrise-If you like complicated, labyrinthine plots that leave you wondering what the hell is going on then maybe this isn’t the 4th worst film Kurt has done. On the other hand, if you like your stories to make some semblance of sense then you should be with me on this. I think the best way to describe this plot is to take a love triangle and add about 14 more sides. Don’t try to follow the plot too closely or you will strain your brain.
3. Captain Ron-to give Kurt his due, I place more blame for the suckage of this family comedy in the lap of Martin Short. Of course, I have never found him charming or funny. Remember that anti-drunk driving commercial from the 70’s that was a kid playing with a toy car and the catch phrase was “a car is not a toy”? That’s how I see this movie. Kurt plays a great comedic action hero, but really should stay away from the actual comedies. It’s rare that you watch a movie and spend most of it hoping the boat sinks and all the characters die, but that is pretty much what I was hoping for.
2. 3000 Miles to Graceland-this movie, in addition to truly sucking, was a bitter disappointment for me. I am an Elvis fan, and when I heard it was about Elvis impersonators robbing a casino I thought it would be great. It also featured Courtney Cox, whom I have always had the hots for. However, the screenplay, acting, dialog, and action all really sucked. The movie really started to Hoover when 2/3rds of the way to freedom Ice T shows up as another action character for some of the dumbest sequences in cinema history. What he is doing in a movie about Elvis impersonators I don’t know, but he was so out of place what little credibility the movie still had at that point fell apart like a sand castle in front of a tsunami. I would also like to point out that this movie was one of the extremely rare times I got sick of violence. To say I have a high tolerance for violence in film or video games is a bit of an understatement, but this movie managed to fill my tank and spill all over the ground. I don’t know if it was the continuous violence that did it, or just the ridiculous nature of the violence, but after watching it I wanted to go home and watch Smurfs or something.
1. Tango and Cash–ironically, I had blocked this movie from my memory and it wasn’t even on my list when I started composing it, but while checking Kurt’s filmography came across it and the awfulness rushed back into my frontal cortex like a repressed memory of childhood molestation. Sly Stallone and Kurt play cops Tango and Cash, who are trying to nail crime lord Jack Palance in a terribly convoluted plot that looked, acted, and smelled like a garden maze made of excrement. The final action sequence with the off road vehicles didn’t so much as require me to suspend my disbelief as murder it and dump it in a quarry. There was also a really dumb prison break sequence, which is ironic given that the movie Sylvester had done before this one was Lock Up, a halfway decent prison break movie. It also featured Kurt Russell in drag in a scene that will make you want to drink a Drano martini. During the course of the film Kurt and Sylvester seemed to have entered a contest to see who could chew the most scenery, and by the end of the film the audience lost.
That’s my list. Thanks for reading, and be sure to follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I think I am going to see the new Johnny English film later tonight, which I expect to kind of suck. Should be fun to review. Anyway, talk to you later.
Dave
The Three Musketeers 3D Movie Review
A really, really, really dumb movie that for some unfathomable reason has some entertaining moments.
If the year of movies in America were like driving across the USA, than October would be crossing West Texas. 1000 miles of pretty much nothing, with a ton of little one horse towns filled with bored locals. If we were to push this analogy further, then the Three Musketeers would be the town of Pecos, TX. A mid sized community (pop 9501) that is probably a nice place to live but dead, dead boring.
Not to say that the Three Musketeers is is boring. It was directed by Paul Anderson, the director of the Resident Evil series, and like those movies he managed to insert some entertaining, over the top action scenes. However, where those types of scenes mesh well in the fantasy world of zombies and Mila Jovovich, in a movie without any kind of super science or super natural antagonist it starts to look really silly. He manages to inject Mila Jovovich (his wife) as well, where she pretty much plays Alice in a corset. (Zombie target image courtesy of the zombie movie t shirts)
He seems to have “borrowed” from a lot of movies, actually. Besides Alice, he must have kidnapped the action choreographer from Pirates of the Carribean, as well as the steam punk super technology that we still can’t do today from Wild, Wild West (remember the giant steam punk spider? If something failed miserably in a past crappy movie, obviously the answer is to keep pushing into the face of the audience until they learn to accept it). He also seems to have felt there weren’t enough tributes to Raiders of the Lost Ark and Mission Impossible in the world, as both of those moves make an appearance here like an unsavory object of indeterminate nature floating on the surface of a scummy pond.
The thing that surprised me was how close to the original story by Alexandre Dumas (who, in a move that kind of infuriates me for reasons I can’t quite pin down, gets third billing in the credits). It was pretty much the true story. However, once that story as the skeleton they decided to flesh it out with as much stupidity as humanly possible. It’s like using the body of an Olympic athlete as the basis for your Frankenstein monster, but then using the corpses of 50 dead, decayed clowns for the rest of him. Then you cover the whole thing with shrink-wrapped stupidity.
I’m not kidding about the stupid, by the way. The movie dipped deep into the suck zone in the opening scene. A guard walks to the edge of a Venice canal and is shot from underwater by some kind of crossbow. I might have believed a trained soldier being capable of using a straw or tube of some kind to swim up stealthily and might have had a crossbow that was build to fire underwater, but that is not what happened. No, what we have here is a leather SCUBA suit (no joke) and some kind of multiple mechanical dart thrower. The problem is the movie really didn’t need all the really dumb advanced primitive technology. Everything in it could have been accomplished better without giving your prop guy a dream assignment. Examples of this advanced steam punk technology includes but is not limited to a flying dirigible with no sign of motive power other than a few sails that is capable of maneuvering through the air at will like the Enterprise, monofiliment wire capable of cutting a silk ribbon to shreds from it’s own weight (you really feel the Resident Evil in that scene), some kind of rotating machine gun cannon (it’s almost like the designer of the sky ship knew ahead of time that at some point it would have to fight a battle with only four crewmen), centuries old booby traps that still manage to shoot hundreds of spiked balls, some kind of wood that can bounce cannon balls, and an advanced zip line.
It really aggravates after about the fifth time you see something this dumb, and does absolutely nothing to advance the story. I see this as Paul Anderson and the prop designers having a big circle jerk. I think it telling that, in all the previews I have seen for this movie, never once do we see a hand cranked flamethrower or flying ship, in spite of the fact that they all seem to be pretty prevalent in the movies. Somewhere along the line I suspect a marketing guy was given the assignment to sell the movie to the public, took a look at the available footage, and said “No way can we use this crap to do more than alienated the audience.” Maybe that guy should have been shown the script sooner.
The story. If you have read the book, you know the story. D’Artagnan arrives in Paris to become a Musketeer and ends up challenging each of the three, who are all disgraced for failing in the Venice SCUBA mission (they were betrayed by Milady, Mila Jovovich) to a duel. He also gets into it with Rochefort, the captain of the bad guy’s guard. They attack the four of them together and they bond as they cut through the enemy swordsmen like a chainsaw through butter. Turn out the bad guy, Cardinal Richelieu (played by the great Christopher Watlz, although for this movie he just seemed to be replaying Colonel Landa), wants to wrest control of France from the young king and his queen. He frames the Queen in an affair with the Duke of Buckingham (played by Orlando Bloom with the worst hair cut ever. Think a brunette Flock of Seagulls) and has Mila plant a diamond necklace on the Duke. The Three Musketeers (plus D’Artagnan) must recover the necklace or the queen will be executed and war with England will ensue. They steal the duke’s flying airship to do so. Stuff blows up. Sword fights ensue. A dumb romantic sub plot with one of the worst actresses I’ve seen in a long time (Gabrielle Wilde, who has no other movie credits although she did have a part in Dr. Who) pains my eyes.
The stars. They stayed close to the original story. One star. Christopher Waltz. One star. They didn’t resort to that one second quick cut fight sequence I hate so much, which means they hired a fight choreographer. One star. I can’t say any of the acting was particularly good, but I will say pretty much all the actors seemed to have realized what kind of tripe they were producing and played it very tongue in cheek. Not enough to reduce the pain of the movie, but it did soften it a bit. One star. For reasons I hate to admit some of the scenes were indeed entertaining. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. Stupid Wild Wild West-esque steam punk technology that did nothing for the movie. Two black holes. Every single character with the partial exception of Richelieu was painfully one dimensional. One black hole. No attempt whatsoever to make the language sound anything like something from 400 years ago. Hackneyed, campy dialog. Sorry, 17th century people do not use the phrase “state of the art.” One black hole. For that matter, about 1/3rd of the characters had English accents, the rest all had American, and not a single person in this movie about France had a French accent. I wouldn’t mind French accents, British accents, or American accents but pick one and stick with it. One black hole. At no point did any of the bad guys seem to realize that, instead of sending wave after wave of swordsmen to kill the four guys who just cut the last six waves to pieces, they could just sit back and shoot them. One black hole. This movie squatted squarely over their PG-13 rating and never moved an inch or pushed the envelope at all, to the detriment of most of the action. One black hole. Mila Jovovich has the assignment of stealthily sneaking into the queens chambers to plant evidence and steal a necklace as part of a nefarious plot, and decides the best way to lend credence to the plan is to slaughter a dozen guards, which no one remarks upon or seems to notice. One black hole. One extra black hole for the leather SCUBA suit, which particularly offended me. Orlando Bloom’s haircut. One black hole. An ending so filled with plot holes you could have used it to strain your pasta. One black holes. Worthless, worthless, worthless 3D effects. I want my extra $3 back. One black hole. The Three Musketeers mission was to prevent a war with England, yet during the course of executing it managed to start a war with England. One black hole. Total: thirteen black holes.
So a total of eight black holes, a crappy score for a crappy movie. However, if you are a fan of movies like Pirates of the Carribean, can suspend your disbelief so high it needs an oxygen supply, suffered recent severe brain damage, or plan to get really drunk and/or stoned before seeing this, then I think you could enjoy it. It does have some entertainment value, in the same way picking your scabs is weirdly entertaining. I didn’t feel as ripped off as I usually do after an eight black hole movie. If you do fall into one of those categories than by all means see it in a theater, as the action I think would suffer on a smaller screen.
You know, something else about this movie occurred to me while I was talking to a friend of mine about going to see it, and that is in my recollection I cannot remember any Three Musketeers being remotely good. I have thought about it for a while, and I think I have an answer. It all has to do with the pants. The clothing from pre French Revolution France is so ridiculous looking that you cannot take anyone in it at all seriously. I think most writers realize that. Unfortunately that kind of corrals them into making a silly, campy, dumb movie. I read the Three Musketeers as a kid and thought it was pretty cool. However, the one thing I did not picture while reading it was men wearing frilly pantaloons and high heeled shoes. Once I saw the clothing these guys had to wear back than it more or less tainted the reading experience for me. I can’t take a character wearing a paisley top hat as a serious action character.
Anyway, thanks again for reading. We had some kind of technical problem this weekend, but I think the site is back up and running (either that or I just totally wasted 90 minutes of my life, in addition to the 110 minutes I wasted watching this thing). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. More crap out this weekend. I don’t think I can see Paranormal Activity 3 and review it fairly as I have not seen the first two, but I will try to see Johnny English soon. Looks horrible. Talk to you later.
Dave
Ides of March Movie Review
All the elements of a great movie except a plot.
This is a good movie in many regards. Acting was great from everyone, dialog was quick, clever, and well delivered, and the pacing appropriate for a movie based on a relatively sluggish subject, election primaries. However, the plot, which started off relatively strong, gets mired in betrayal, twists that seem more like shock paddles for a cardiac victim than legitimate story moving points, and a mounting sense that in spite of good, popular actors and well developed characters you are going to end the movie liking none of them. The movie ends with the feeling that, in spite of a bunch of stuff being resolved, nothing is resolved. The overall movie felt like I was trying to catch bubbles.
The story. Ryan Gosling (Drive, Lars and the Real Girl, Half-Nelson) plays Stephen Meyers, a campaign manager for the front runner in the Democratic primary, Gov. Mike Morris (George Clooney, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou, Oceon’s Eleven, Up in the Air, the Peacemaker), a charismatic, passionate liberal like most Democrats wish Obama could be. His boss is Paul Zara (Philip Seymour Hoffman, the Big Lebowski, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead, Moneyball), veteran campaigner who knows all the ins and outs of Washington. Morris’s rival is Pullman, whom we never really see. Who we do interact with is Pullman’s campaign manager Tom Duffy (Played by the great Paul Giamatti, whom I have heard several times interviewed on the Howard Stern Show. Good interview IMO. Saving Private Ryan, Sideways, Cinderella Man), another ruthless campaign manager. 
They are aided by hot young intern Mollie (Evan Rachel Wood, the Wrestler, True Blood, and a bunch of small stuff. True Blood image from the horror movie t-shirts) who shows up on screen with a huge blinking neon sign saying “Trouble” as far as I was concerned.
Anyway, Morris is in the lead but there are a number of issues that could derail his campaign. Meyers makes the mistake of meeting with Duffy in a move that Paul will see as a betrayal. Meanwhile, he hooks up with Mollie in what looks like the easiest seduction of all time (God it must be easy for guys who look like Ryan Gosling. If you look like that I hope you get your face caught in a tree shredder at some point and get to see what life is like for the rest of us). Anyway, that is kind of where the plot starts to fall apart. I don’t want to give any spoilers, but some kind of obvious stuff goes on. Turns out everyone betrays everyone and, while appearing to be moral good guys, are all kind of bastards. Somehow the Republicans never surface in any significant way, making the overriding campaign feel as good as watching two brothers beat the hell out of each other. The movie ends without ever really giving the audience something tangible to grab on to.
There are two other problems plaguing this film in my opinion. One is that no one really cares about primaries, especially for fictional candidates that have no apparent commonality with any of the actual candidates. The in fighting between men who theoretically should be allies is annoying and frustrating, and that’s in real life. Had this movie actually been during the real election between the Republican and Democratic candidates than I think the audience might have cared more. As it is the whole movie had the same impact I would have watching two candidates for Homecoming Queen back stab and connive against each other as they campaign.
The other problem compounds the first one and that is a lack of passion from any of the characters. I thought Ryan Gosling was playing a deadpan robot in Drive as a plot device, but it turns out that all he is capable of delivering. He doesn’t show any emotion in pretty much the entire movie, even when presented with situations wherein a normal person would (getting betrayed and fired, having someone close to you die, etc). This deadpan delivery spreads out from him and infects pretty much every other actor in the film, except for the young intern Mollie. Paul Giamotti is great when he is yelling and screaming at people, but never gets the chance. Hoffman gives a long speech about loyalty and betrayal to Gosling before firing him and he could have been discussing which pet groomer he brings his dog to for all the emotion he had. I actually lay this firmly at the feet of director George Clooney. He gets his actors to sink their teeth into the dialog in a very real delivery, but then doesn’t let them show anything when spitting it back out. Might be a reflection of his own acting style, which tends towards the dry.
Anyway, the stars. Excellent casting and acting, except for the emotionless stuff. Two stars. Great dialog. One star. I don’t know if the term to use is really character development, as there was less development and more just revealing previously hidden aspects of each characters personality, but a decent arc and character development. One star. Pacing and camera work were good. One star. Paul Giamotti. One star. George Clooney did manage to deliver a great performance as a presidential candidate. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. The plot got stuck in the mud halfway through the film and stayed there. Two black holes. Dry, emotionless acting from most everyone. One black hole. There was never a reason given for the audience to really care about anything that was going on. One black hole. By the end of the movie every character seemed like a different kind of bastard and I liked none of them. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So a total of two stars, kind of a middle of the road score and about what I left the theater feeling. If you like political drama, George Clooney, or Ryan Gosling go see it (although, as my friend who was with me was quick to point out, no bare chested Gosling scenes). If you are looking for something exciting or well developed, give it a pass. Not a great date film in my opinion, as it might end up seeming really dry. There is absolutely nothing visually motivating you to see it on a big screen, so I think it totally doable on NetFlix.
That’s it for now. New stuff coming out soon, but unfortunately (for me) it mostly looks like crap. I’m working on a new list that I will put out tomorrow that I think is pretty funny. Follow me on Twitter. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Footloose Movie Review
While personally painful for me, if you like paint-by-numbers remakes and think a teenagers right to dance is of critical importance, go for it.
Well, it’s time to declare 2011 the official Year of the Movie Remake. Given that there are two this weekend alone, and any number so far this year, it really looks like Hollywood has thrown in the towel and is admitting they have run out of creative ideas for movies.
So, Footloose. I have any number of issues with this movie, both this remake and the original. As I have stated in other reviews (Bad Teacher, I think), high school plus dancing sets my mind into a mode I like to call “homicidal violent mayhem”. However, that is my issue, and I will try to keep it separate from this review. There are any number of other things to complain about, mostly having to do with the fact that the entire premise of this movie was stupid in 1984 and hasn’t gotten any smarter with age.
The weird thing is, I actually like the song Footloose. At one point in my life I lived with the super hot niece of Kenny Loggins (no joke) and that was something we kind of bonded over. Although truth be told, I think I’m All Right from Caddyshack is a better song. (Bushwood Country Club image courtesy of the movie t shirt category). I find his music weirdly infectious, which is kind of at odds with my normal preference for old school punk rock. I’m sure this says something about me psychologically.
Anyway, Footloose. I don’t want to get into the story too much because if you have seen the 1984 movie you have seen this one. It is like they dusted off the old script and just reshot it. I will do a quick symapsis. Kids get killed while driving home drunk from a dance. Rather than passing laws to help curtail underage drinking, drunk driving, or curfew violations the hick town decides to outlaw dancing. Some guy (Kenny Wormald – You Got Served, Clerks II, Center Stage Turn it Up) moves in with his uncle from Boston and instead of getting his ass kicked like any normal big town guy moving to a hayseed burg movie manages to make friends for life in like a week and his love of dancing compels him to fight the ban. Meanwhile, the super white trash daughter (Julianne Hough, who has been in nothing previously. I think she was on Dancing with the Stars and is dating Ryan Seacrest, which actually makes her a lot lamer in my book) of the preacher (Dennis Quaid – the Day After Tomorrow, Any Given Sunday, Vantage Point, which I liked) who pushed the ban falls in love with him. He makes an impassioned speech to the city council. People dance. He gets into a fight with the local color, including the even white trashier ex boyfriend of the preachers daughter. The movie ends with everyone dancing.
There are a few differences, but most of them were kind of stupid (and when I say kind of, I mean really). The whole tractor chicken scene is now replaced by a bus racing demolition derby that was just plain dumb. The ex BF challenges Rem to a bus death race wherein 4 buses get wrecked. It is supposed to be for some upcoming event but there are all of ten people watching. Even junk buses cost money.
The main issue I have with this entire movie (aside from the dancing, the fact that with only one exception the high school is filled with super models, and the complete remake thing) is the basic premise behind the film. How does the city council think banning dancing is going to save lives? Why do they care that much? Does the local law dog have nothing better to do than enforce dancing ordinances? How about curtailing the rampant meth problem plaguing the South?
By the way, this is my chance to prove to the world what an old man I am by laying down some insights to my teenage readers. Ever wonder why no one ever works to curtail the laws specific to young people, like not drinking until you are 21, curfews, and so on? It’s because that is something you really care about until the day you turn old enough to not care. If on my 18th birthday they had passed a law requiring all underage teenagers to wear leather gimp masks during the day I wouldn’t have cared. In fact, when someone turns 21 and can start drinking the first thing they think of is “I had to wait this long. Why shouldn’t everyone else?”
This review seems to be kind of hard for me to keep on course. Let’s get into the stars.
Well acted all around, even from Ryan Seacrests girlfriend. One star. I supposed a argument could be made that they kept it scene for scene in order to maintain the integrity of the original vision or something. One star. Both the girls were super hot, especially the supporting brunette IMO (Ziah Colon – Road Trip Beer Pong, Drop Dead Diva, Sparkles and Smiley Kill the Internet (???)). One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Pretty much a photo copy of the original. One black hole. Stupid premise for a movies. One black hole. In spite of being a copy of the original, they somehow managed to lose a lot of the emotional impact the first one had. One black hole. High school dance movie. One black hole. Everyone in the movie was one of the super cool kids in high school I hated. One black hole. There was a sub plot about the dopey hick sidekick with the super hot girlfriend having to learn how to dance that dragged on and on to no benefit. One black hole. In spite of the fact that Kenny Wormald is an accomplished dancer they couldn’t get away from the one second cut editing technique that sucks so bad for fight scenes and even more for dancing. One black hole. They really milked every small town hick stereotype possible. One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
I have a couple irksome but not black hole worthy points as well. While the music was pretty much true to the original score, it was definitely modernized and glitz’d up to its detriment. Also, he was supposed to be from Boston, but I sometimes found Kenny Wormald’s accent a little grating. Not really bad by itself, but in contrast with all the southern accents it really felt out of place.
So a total of five black holes. I don’t know. A lot of my black holes related to my own personal issues. It wasn’t claw-your-own-eyes-out bad. If I were less of a bitter soul I might have enjoyed parts of it. If you liked Glee, high school romance doesn’t infuriate you, are easily entertained by brightly colored objects, or you just like dance you might enjoy it. I will say this is an excellent date movie, as it has a lot of elements girls might like. Actually I’ll give you a move to make with this. Take a girl out to see this movie. Assuming you don’t end up hooking up with her that night, tell her you enjoyed it but the original was much better. That is an open invention to getting her to come over to your place to see the 1984 Footloose in your recently cleaned apartment. You are welcome.
I would like to share one more observation about this movie that perplexes me. In all the posters and images they show the logo for the movie as a cursive neon blue sign spelling Footloose. However, one of the “o”s in loose is always unlit, making the sign spell Footlose. Was that on purpose, as some kind of inside joke? Or just some marketing director’s subconscious mind manifesting his or her real secret feelings for this movie? That question is kind of bugging me.
Anyway, thanks again for reading. I am sorry I haven’t done more recently, but things have gotten super busy. I will see the Thing tomorrow to continue Remake-a-paloosa 2011, and maybe Ides of March early next week. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Top 10 Nerd Movies of all Time
Sort of. You see, when someone says top 10 nerd movies of all times, it always devolves directly into the Lord of the Rings, Batman Returns, and Empire Strikes Back. However, those types of lists are so pedestrian and have been done to death. Instead, I want to do the top 10 movies with nerds in them. Specifically, nerds who act as I have known nerds in real life and who end up kicking ass.
The thing is I am going to try to avoid movies that paint nerds as charactertures of nerds. When I first suggested this topic last night a friend of mine said “Oh, you mean like Revenge of the Nerds.” No. Movies like that (or Napoleon Dynamite) are designed to make fun of nerds and their nerdishness, while instilling a bit of feel good when the geeky underdog wins in the end over the moronic jocks. I actually don’t like that, as all it really does is reinforce the negative stereotypes that I and my nerd friends have been laboring under for years. Even movies that I really enjoy like Weird Science manage to paint nerds as total geeks who eventually get a lucky break. I don’t want to add to the problem.
So what I am focused on are movies that feature nerds who are in no way apologetic or ashamed of being a nerd, and use their nerd skills to advance themselves and their agenda. I like to see this as a little window into a perfect world where nerds rule everything and the jocks all dig ditches for a living.
10. Shawn of the Dead. Honestly, this one almost didn’t make my list, as an argument could be made that Shaun doesn’t really qualify as a nerd in the true sense of the word. He has a cute girlfriend, doesn’t really work with computers or technology other than to sell it, and starts the movie without a clue how to fight zombies. However, he is an avid video game player, and manages to survive a zombie apocalypse, so I think I will include it, albeit at the very bottom of my list. Of course, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are among the biggest nerds on the planet, so anything they do is worth consideration. (image courtesy of the horror movie t shirts category)
9. Office Space. Revenge of the cubical gnomes. Yes, the main characters in this film are nerds in every sense of the term, and while they fail miserably at least attempt to use some nerd skills to stick it to the man. Also, did I ever mention I have had a huge crush on Jeniffer Aniston for years?
8. Spiderman. Yes, Peter Parker is a super nerd. Geeky, glasses, into science. What more could be asked for? I almost stuck Superman in here as well, but realized that Clark Kent is actually Superman pretending to be a nerd to hide his identity, while Peter Parker is a nerd who gained super powers.
7. Ghostbusters. These guys are nerds, especially Egon Spengler, and don’t care who knows it. Also, the amount of geek credibility this movie gets for not only casting the great Sigourney Weaver as the love interest but also showing us one of the best thigh shots in nerd movie history is astronomical. By the way, if you ever are looking for a definition of nerdy/sexy, just take a look at Annie Potts as the receptionist in this film.
6. Darkman. Yes, there are those who say this movie sucks, but I beg to differ. Liam Neeson as Peter Westlake is a total nerd. Besides, which of us nerds has never dreamed of being a scientist and having a horrible accident give us both super powers and a thirst for revenge? Hell, when I got my laser eye treatment I was praying for a freak accident that would give me the ability to shoot lasers OUT of my eyes.
5. the Matrix. Neo is a computer hacking nerd, in spite of looking like he works at Abercrombie and Fitch. One of the issues I have with the second and third Matrix (among several dozen) is the fact that they kind of drop the idea of him as an obsessed computer nerd and just make him into a cheesy pretty boy action hero.
4. the Incredibles. Yes, my favorite Pixar movie (Steve Jobs, thank you). You might think there is no nerd in this one, as Mr. and Mrs. Incrdible are pretty cool, at least at the start of the movie. However, you are forgetting the biggest nerd out there, Syndrome (formally known as Buddy). He is a complete and utter scientist nerd and could not care less if you thought so. He gets rejected in a way all nerds my age remember having happen as a kid and uses his brain to get his revenge. Awesome.
3. Back to the Future. Dr. Emmet Brown was a complete nerd who was willing to go toe to toe with terrorists in order to advance his science. Also, Marty McFly was pretty geeky too. Of course, a real geek would understand how the Butterfly Effect would make it almost impossible for Marty to mess around in the past and still exist. Even a slight altering of his parents time line would most like cause one of the other several million sperm cells to fertilize his mom’s egg, giving him a completely different genetic structure. But I digress.
2. Real Genius. Nerds doing what nerds do in the best way possible. This movie rules, and if you haven’t seen it stream it tonight to increase your nerd credibility. These guys had nothing to apologize for, and used their brains to totally screw with people. The only issue I had was the idea of a super hot woman who’s only goal in life was to sleep with the 10 smartest men on the planet. If women actually exist who are attracted to intellect rather than looks and/or money please point them in my direction. I have yet to meet one.
1. Wargames. David Lightman is an early hacker computer nerd who totally screwed with the defense department and almost blew up the world. What else can a true nerd dream of? Except for the underwear in his room he made no apologies for his lifestyle and managed to outsmart any number of jockish military types. This movie was the first one to really show what a true nerd is potentially capable of, and since I was starting high school that year I could have only wished that my so called peers might have picked up a warning from it. Unfortunately, their limited intellect prevented them from understanding the dangers of messing with someone with a superior intellect. Savor the irony with me for a moment.
Anyway, that’s my list. I had a bunch that almost made it, but I feel good about this. Feel free to disagree or point out any movies I might have missed by commenting here or via Twitter @NerdKungFu. You can follow me too if you like.
I’m kind of dreading this weekend, as the first movie I will probably have to see will be Footloose and I’m viewing that with all the anticipation of a root canal. No movies tomorrow as Thursday is my regular Warhammer night. If you like my writing I have been doing more descriptions on the commercial site, so check out some of the ones on the home page. Most of them are pretty funny, in my opinion. Thanks for reading, and have a great night.
Dave
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Movie Review
It’s not every day you get to spend 97 minutes praying for a merciful death.
Can someone give me a clue what exactly happened to Adam Sandler? Did he fall on his head? Stop taking his funny medication? Been abducted by aliens and replaced with a doppelganger, human in all appearances but intellectually and culturally an extraterrestrial, from an alien planet where they find semen jokes funny and not at all cringe-worthy? He has had 24 different film and TV roles since the Waterboy and none of them are even remotely funny. A case could be made that Punch Drunk Love was an attempt at a serious career, but I found the movie disjointed and honestly funnier than You Don’t Mess With the Zohan. The trailers for his upcoming movie, Jack and Jill, where he plays his own twin sister (always a winning move), makes being trapped Chilean coal mine for months look like a pleasant alternative. I love the fact that he calls his production studio Happy Madison, in an attempt to make you think one of his current movies is on par with two of his decent ones.
So, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star. Adam is not in it, but wrote it and you can smell his hands all over the script. The story is of young Bucky Larson (Nick Swardson, who has been in a ton of junk. The only thing that caught my eye was 30 Minutes or Less and a bit role in Blades of Glory. Otherwise it’s all stuff like Just Go With It), a bucktoothed hayseed from Iowa with a salad bowl haircut. He discovers his parents were porn stars in the 70’s and decides he needs to move to LA to follow in their footsteps (Debbie Does Dallas image courtesy of the movie t shirts).
God, even recounting the story is painful. I’m going to blaze through it. Turns out Bucky has a micro phallus. He meets a director who discovers everyone loves him as a star because he is so small he makes ordinary guys look huge. He meets a super hot waitress (Christina Ricci – Sleepy Hollow, Speed Racer (ugh), Grey’s Anatomy, Pan Am) who works in a crappy diner, dreams of being a waitress, and has a fear of soup. She is also a virgin and yet somehow totally cool with Bucky getting into porn. There is some kind of antagonist, but the conflict is so non-consequential it doesn’t even register. An awkward romance progresses, and the only issues in it have nothing to do with any of the normal crap and more to do with a misunderstanding. Love reigns supreme at the end. My brain feels like I lost 8 IQ points as the movie progressed.
The stars. Umm. Geez. Christina Ricci was hot, although her character made me want to projectile vomit. One star. There were a couple secondary characters who were 100 times more engaging than Bucky, his girlfriend, and his parents put together. Specifially the porn director, his nephew, the porn producer, and the antagonist porn star (Don Johnson, Tyler Spindel, Ido Mosseri, and Stephen Dorff respectively). One star. There was some bare breast, but in a movie about porn there was hardly any, and it was mostly eclipsed by having to look at Bucky’s face all the time. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Forced me to look at the Bucky Larson face the whole movie. Sorry, but that is not something that gets easier over time. It actually gets worse. One black hole. Having to see Bucky naked full frontal. One black hole. About 100,000,000 micro phallus jokes. One black hole. There was no real story at all. Once Bucky got to LA there was no real conflict or issues. Two black holes. Bucky’s parents were super annoying in all regards. One black hole. Bucky’s friends made me wish that bullying was still cool. As a group they all deserved about 100 wedgies a day. One black hole. Christina Ricci’s character was so unbelievable in all regards that she made the giant penguin from Billy Madison look like a viable supporting character. One black hole. The dialog was painful. One black hole. The story had little to do with any kind of reality. One black hole. The ending flew out of the ether. One black hole. Two more black holes for completely wasting two hours of my life. Total: 13 black holes.
So a total of ten black holes. Do not see this movie. Do not rent this movie. If you happen to be walking by a theater showing this movie and you see it is on fire, do not call 911. Trust me, odds are anyone watching it would rather burn to death and you are doing them a favor (I’m kidding, of course. Please call 911. Just don’t expect the people inside to thank you). Just let it rot on the pile of bad Adam Sandler films like Big Daddy, the Zookeeper, and Grown-ups.
Good sized Warhammer tournament coming up this weekend, and I’m pretty sure my friends are all planning on drinking afterwards, so I don’t know if I will get any movies watched. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I have been doing more Tweets, a lot of them nerd movie related.
I think tomorrow I might do more of my Star Trek retrospective. Talk to you soon.
Dave
