Movie Review: Cowboys and Aliens
Before I get into this review of an excellent movie, I want to mention getting one of my pet peeves kicked in the balls before the start of the movie. I went to the mens room to take care of my business and there saw some dirtbag use the urinal and then leave with nary soap nor water touching his hands. You, sir, are the reason we all get sick every year and I hope you catch a cold a week until you learn to wash your hands.
By the way, I say pet peeve but really, if this doesn’t peeve you then you can join your unwashed dirt bag friend down in the sewer. This should be everyone’s peeve.
Anyway, Cowboys and Aliens. Really, really fun. It’s that simple. I mean, it’s a movie about cowboys and aliens! How could that possible go wrong? Well, any number of ways, but fortunatly for the hapless reviewers who have to sit through every piece of tripe that comes down the pike, it doesn’t. John Favreau manages to forge a great genre film out of two different genre’s. All around a positive experience. (Alien image courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
I really don’t want to get into the story on this one, as everyone needs to see it and I don’t want to send out any spoilers. I’ll talk about the stuff you should have already picked up from the trailer. Daniel Craig wakes up in the Arizona desert with some kind of bracelet on his wrist and amnesia. He is a very stereotypical high desert lone bad ass, and proves it in the first few minutes. He heads into town where he runs into the rest of the Western stereotypical character types. There’s the grizzled sheriff, the grizzled rich rancher who really runs the town (Harrison Ford), his wimpy, obnoxious son, the upscale fish-out-of-water big town guy who runs the saloon and doesn’t know how to use a gun, the hot gunslinger girl, the Native American raised by whites, and the grizzled preacher. In fact the word grizzled can be applied to pretty much every male character in this film. All of them are really stereotypical, but honestly it’s what we expect from a cowboy movie and so actually adds to the enjoyment of the film. Of course, great acting and directing help keep them from becoming annoying.
Aliens show up and start abducting people (anal-probe-a-go-go). Daniel Craig’s bracelet turns out to be a weapon that he uses to shoot down one of them. Other alien/cowboy hijinks ensues. His memory comes back in flashbacks. Native Americans are portrayed as savage killers and then noble warriors. A near inexhaustible supply of cowboys get killed by aliens. Stuff blows up. Other stuff happens. I really don’t want to spoil anything, so I will leave it here. Short review for me, I guess.
The stars. Cowboy movie. One star. Alien movie. One star. Well written story with no visible plot holes. Two stars. Daniel Craig. One star. Harrison Ford. One star. All around great acting. One star. The aliens looked bad ass and their CGI was excellent. One star. Great special effects. One star. Scenery was over the top good. One star. Olivia Wilde was looking pretty good. One star. Generally a fun experience. Two stars. Total: thirteen stars.
Then, because I am a bitter soul who can’t let even a great movie go without dumping on it a little, the black holes. There were a couple of sequences about 1/3 of the way through that kind of dragged. It might be just in comparison to all the other action packed scenes they lagged, but I definitely felt it. One black hole. The aliens motivation for coming to Earth was kind of stupid and childish. One black hole. The writers all obviously had a huge slice of deus ex machine pie before writing the ending. One black hole. Cowboy henchmen who continuously respawn like monsters from a monster generator in Gauntlet. One black holes. Total: 4 black holes.
I don’t have any irksome-but-not-blackhole-worthy items, but I will talk a bit about one limitation from the entirety of the film. It is fun and entertaining, but makes no pretense at being anything more than that. I’m not in the business of telling a great director like John Favreau how to make a movie, but I think that if he had added some plot element to the movie other than the main story it would have made for a deeper meaning. Maybe the aliens might have had a more complex motivation for attacking Earth, or maybe they could have landed in the middle of some big conflict between the cowboys and the Native Americans. Some kind of fight between cow and sheep herders or the like. While the characters were all very good and well developed, it was the story itself that felt 2 dimensional. Very linear with no variance whatsoever. Even the whole “You’re an outlaw we are going to hang you” conflict was resolved in about 30 seconds with hardly any discussion at all. Harrison Ford’s character was portrayed as a brutal hard ass who would destroy anything that got in his way, but after the first 20 minutes never had a chance to display that quality. Again, great movie, but I think it could have been better.
Final score of 10 stars and my hearty recommendation that you all see it in a theater. You will be entirely entertained. Not good date material, but if your girl is a fan of Daniel Craig at all it might work.
Anyway, no posts until Monday. I have a Warhammer tournament I am playing in this weekend. Then I get to watch all the Harry Potter films back to back. At some point I plan to suffer through the new Smurfs film (at the request of my best friend. Thanks a lot, Dave) and review that one, so don’t be surprised if my next movie review has me feeling a little blue (haw!). Also, I need to do my next Star Trek retrospective. Unfortunately I have run out of the good movies to do and am now left with the dregs, starting with Generations. Ugh.
Movie review: Horrible Bosses
Horribly mediocre.
Yet another raunchy rated R comedy hoping to score a seat on the success train that the Hangover powered and then later derailed, I guess. Funny in parts, long and boring in others. I guess I am tired of Hollywood not doing a lot of either really good or really bad films. Best film I have seen in months was the Trollhunter, an independant.
Anyway, Horrible Bosses. It tells the story of three employees who have good jobs ruined by bad bosses. They are Dale, Nick, and Kurt, played by Kenny Sommerfield, Nick Hendricks, and Jason Sudeikis respectively but for the duration of this review I am going to call them Larry, Moe, and Curly for reasons that will be painfully obvious to anyone who watches this flick (Three Stooges image courtesy of the movie t shirt category). Larry works as a dental hygienist who’s boss is a dentist so painfully hot she made my eyes water and is consistently sexually abusing him (which of us hasn’t had to deal with that, right guys?). Moe is a white collar drone who is abused by his boss (played very well by Kevin Spacey). Curly is an accountant at a chemical firm who’s boss dies and leaves the company to his drug addicted son.
Anyway, all three of them are terribly abused by their bosses and decide they need to kill them. The go looking for a hit man at a bar they should have all been killed in and find “M-F-Er” Jones (Jamie Foxx). He tells them they should each kill the others bosses to allay suspicion. So, having decided that first degree murder is a reasonable solution for someone inconveniencing their lives, they start to plan it out.
At this point the movie, which had been kind of entertaining and had the potential to be decent, took a wrong turn and ended up in Stupidville, USA. Ever see that episode of the Three Stooges where they break into someones house who turns out to be a Nazi spy? Imagine that, but less funny. Larry, Moe, and Curly start doing everything possible to avoid making an intelligent or well thought out move. They run around the bosses houses, breaking stuff and leaving a laundry list of forensic evidence. Other stooges-like hijinks ensue. Unfunny recurring jokes are drummed on and on. Kevin Spacey turns out to be even more evil than first portrayed. The realities of living in the world and dealing with police (remember that cops can hold you for 48 hours without charging you for questioning?) or more or less ignored. At one point Kevin Spacey rams his SUV into Moe’s Prius and then tells them he is going to frame them for something and claim they tried to kill him. Really? When any idiot could look at the two cars and figure out that you just tried to flatten them? No chance of that plan backfiring on you.
Anyway, the stars. The three main characters are reasonably funny. One star. Kevin Spacey. One star. Some funny lines and decent dialog. One star. The dentist (played by my dream woman Jeniffer Aniston, who decided to drive me even more crazy by going brunette) is super hot and doesn’t mind dressing skimpy. In fact most of the women were very easy on the eyes. Two stars. Jaime Foxx was pretty damned good and dominated every scene he was in in a good way. One star. Donald Sutherland. One star. Total: six stars.
Now the black holes. The movie and plot devices got really dumb after a while. Two black holes. All the boss characters were horribly (haw!) one dimensional, especially Kevin Spacey. One black hole. In spite of the fact that the bosses were one dimensionally evil, the fact that the protagonists were planning a capital crime to make their lives easier did nothing to make me sympathetic to them, nor did they do anything during the movie to change that. I don’t really feel sympathy towards idiots. One black hole. The whole “super-hot-and-successful-chick-is-a-freak-and-feels-the-need-to-molest-a-wimpy-innocent-guy plot device is so asinine and infuriating that I wanted to punch out the theater manager on the way to my car. It would have actually made the movie so much more tolerable and believable (as well as made me more sympathetic to their cause) if the person being sexually harassed were a woman by a male boss, not to mention add a nice diversity to the main cast (I guess they wanted to keep that Stooges dynamic rolling). One black hole. All the supporting characters except M-F-er Jones were moronic and annoying. One black hole. I can’t put my finger on what the problem was, but the pacing seemed really off. It was like the movie had a 85 minute Act 1 setup, 13 minute Act 2 confrontation, and a 2 minute Act 3 resolution (thank you world wide web). One black hole. The resolution so reeked of deus ex machina that the main characters might as well have been trapped inside stasis pods. One black hole. And finally, if you are going to create a rated R comedy anyway for gods sake put some nudity in there somewhere. Rated R for language is like going to prison for stealing socks. If you are going to do the time, you might as well enjoy the crime. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
In the irksome category, I have a couple. I don’t know what planet the script writers live on, but if on their alien world all it takes is five minutes to meet a married super hot model and convince her to have sex with you in a restroom I want to move there. Same with super hot dentists willing to have sex with any stalker parked across their street. Also, during the course of the film I thought of about 10 different ways the protagonists could have resolved their issues without resorting to murder. I have to imagine at some point someone read the script before or during the production.
So a less than grand total of four black holes. Entertaining enough, I suppose. I had a free ticket so it didn’t cost me anything. I don’t think I would have been happy spending money on it. Wait for NetFlix, I guess.
By the way, I have fixed the issue with leaving comments but getting rid of that stupid capcha thing. Just try to be human when you post something. Thanks Cassady for pointing that out.
Movie Review: Larry Crowne
I don’t want to claim I have psychic powers of any kind. I’m not even sure if I believe in that sort of thing, and if I did I am sure I would enjoy spending time in Vegas a lot more than I do. The fact is, however, I sometimes get premonitions, which I actually like to attribute to my subconscious mind having a better understanding of my mental processes, schedule, and world circumstances than I could ever hope to. The fact is, when I saw the trailer for Larry Crowne, deep inside of me I something said “Yep, you are going to see that movie” in spite of the fact that I have no interest in this type pf sappy feel good dross.
Now, I don’t know if it is fair to say I had no interest in anything associated with this film. The fact is I think Tom Hanks is one of the most powerful actors around today. His performances in movies like Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Castaway are some of the most amazing movie experiences you could hope to see. Furthermore, Julia Roberts, in addition to being an amazing actress in her own right, is someone who turns me on like a massive Viagra overdose. Her face, her hair, and my perception of her personality based on seeing her in many films really lights my fuse (happy 4th of July, by the way). However, I just don’t normally go for films that don’t involve action, explosions, or 
human struggle against true adversity (I’d like to say struggle against adversity, but except for The Dark Crystal I can’t think of a good film that doesn’t actually involve humans in some way. I guess we are somewhat specist. Dark Crystal image courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
However, yesterday was my mothers birthday, and like the dutiful son I occasionally claim to be I drove down to LA and took her out for dinner and a movie. This was the only movie I thought remotely acceptable to her that wouldn’t make me vomit or doze off. Like I said, I enjoy Tom Hanks and can watch Julia Roberts on screen all day. I think the best way to describe this movie is with the word “satisfying”. It is not a great movie. It is not ground breaking. It doesn’t have amazing performances (that’s not to imply it has any bad performances, either). There are no amazing story revelations, and you will not really feel you have learned anything or that your life has in any ways improved for having seen it. You will, however, walk away feeling satisfied that there is some justice, poetry, and beauty in the world.
So, Larry Crowne, or, as I keep wanting to say it, The Thomas Crowne Affair, the movie that introduced me to the concept of hot MILF nudity. Tom Hanks more or less blends every character he has ever done in every movie into Larry Crowne, an ex navy cook who works at a retail store that is most definitely not Walmart in spite of being similar in almost every way. The only two exceptions are that it is called UMart and Larry and the rest of his fellow employees seem happy to be working there, unlike every Walmart employee in the history of the world. Larry gets laid off for the unlikely reason of not having any college education and, after a series of long dealing-with-unemployment-and-looking-for-a-job scenes decides what he needs is to gain some education and heads to the nearest community college. There he meets a crazy seeming man who turns out to be the dean of students who recommend he takes some kind of speech class, taught by super hot TILF Julia Roberts. He also takes an economics class taught by the most pleasant surprise of the movie for me, the great George Takai. George more or less steals the show in every scene he is in, and I loved him as the stuffy professor. Larry also bought a scooter from his neighbor, who runs a 24/7 garage sale of some kind. Thanks to the scooter he meets super duper cute scooter girl Talia (Gugu Mbatha-Raw, a girl with a weird name I have never seen before but hope to see again), who takes an unnatural interest in Larry that would be creepy and stalker-ish if it were a guy working on a girl. She and her (kind of annoying) West Side Story scooter gang take him riding, cut his hair, make him change his clothes, and completely rearrange his house until he is as cool as a 55 year old guy hanging out with college kids can be. His character does a full arc, learning in his econ class the value of defaulting on his home, changing his entire life, and eventually getting a job as a cook at his buddies diner. Meanwhile, Julia Roberts is going through her own arc as she kicks out her husband (played by Bryan Cranston, the dad from Malcolm in the Middle) for spending all day claiming to be a blogger but instead looking at online porn (wait a minute…). She kind of self destructs for a while. Anyway, community college hijinks ensues. Julia hates her students but comes to love them. Awkwardly cute romance blossoms. Talia drops out of college. Her lame over-the-top scooter boyfriend fails to get his comeuppance. George Takai is endlessly entertaining.
First the stars. Tom Hanks. One star. Julia Roberts. One star. George Takai. One star. A bunch of other guys you will recognize and enjoy. One star. The community college kids were all freakishly accurate and well cast, according to my mother who was a community college professor for 30 years. One star. Talia was super cute. One star. Dialog was smart, clever, and well delivered. One star. The pacing was excellent, especially given the evolutionary story arc Larry Crowne went through. One star. Overall satisfying movie that literally made me feel good. One star. And finally, on more bonus star for George Takai. Total: ten stars.
Now the black holes. About half the secondary characters bordered on the annoying, including the garage sale neighbor. One black hole. The whole Talia taking a massive interest in Larry sub plot felt really forced and fake. I shouldn’t have to suspend my disbelief in a movie that doesn’t involve super powers. Also, why does she collect cool men’s clothing in Tom’s exact size and want to give them to him? One black hole. Talia boyfriend as the tough, muscled, scooter guy felt really fake too. I have known any number of scooter guys and they are, to a man (for lack of a better term), wimpy hipsters with all the muscle tone of wet spaghetti. Real tough guys buy motorcycles. One black hole. The movie hit about an 8.5 on the Sap-o-meter. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
In the irksome-but-not-black-hole-worthy category, I have a few. First of all there were a couple of scooter “gang” moments that seemed to drag on forever and also suck. Secondly, Tom couldn’t decide early on if UMart and their management was a cool and fulfilling place to work or a soulless corporate beast who’s management was comprised entirely of (white) a-holes who were looking for the flimsiest excuse to fire Larry. College as a requirement to work at a Walmart? Who are they kidding? The whole disparity in tone kind of threw me off early on. Finally, like everyone else on the planet, colleges are suffering from the budget crunch. I sincerely doubt there would be enough budget for a class called “The Art of Casual Speaking”.
So a total of 5 stars. Not bad. The actors will carry you through the movie, and you will leave the feeling with a warm feeling in your gut. I would say wait for NetFlix, but if you are looking for a date movie you literally couldn’t pick a better film. If the awkward romance between Julia and Tom doesn’t melt her heart (and put her in the mood for other things, if you know what I mean) than I would check her battery levels, as it is apparent that your date has been replaced by some kind of robot and she needs a recharge.
Movie Review: Green Lantern, or why is my green so blue?
I guess this is the week of dashed over hyped expectations. It started Wednesday with my purchase of my first Apple computer, a brand new iMac. Having listened to all my friends gush about how all Apple products are I was more or less inclined to believe that this iMac would not only handle my computer needs, but would cure cancer, end world hunger, and turn my tap water into wine. The thing I did not expect was to spend almost four hours on the phone with tech support trying to get all my peripherals running. The learning curve on the new UI is less a curve and more a vertical wall that needs to be scaled by hand while defenders at the top drop rocks and boiling oil on my head. I am sure in the course of a month or two I will become brainwashed like all my friends, but at the moment I feel like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
I am being unfair. Already I have gotten more used to it, but my typical curse of causing things more technological than a microwave try to find all the weirdest problems possible (how is it I have the one HP printer out of the literally thousands that Apple supports that they don’t? What are really the odds of that?) manifest themselves. Also, I just had a guy at the Apple store inform me that the absolutely-different-from-the-control-key Command key is actually the mysterious free alt-tab Microsoft key. I wish someone had told me that four days ago. If you are wondering why I just don’t use the keyboard that came with the iMac it is because I have large hands and need adult sized keys, not Smurf (or just skinny hipster kid) sized covered with Chiclets.
So the next big over hyped disappointment was, of course, Green Lantern. Was it bad? Not really, but on many levels actually yes. Was it worth all the hype and marketing? No. It is, like almost all DC comic book movies, painfully lacking in many regards while having a few cool elements. I am sure you could really enjoy it, especially if you are dumb, stoned, or 12 years old. However, I think I am going to have to start looking at how much marketing the studios throw at the advertizing as a sign of how much they feel they need to work in order to get people into the theater. X-Men First Class had hardly any and ruled. (Ferris Aircraft image from the new Green Lantern t-shirt category).
Anyway, the movie, without any spoilers that you wouldn’t pick up from the trailers. I think it safe to assume most of you have read a couple GL comics too. Hal Jordan is a test pilot working for Ferris Aircraft along with his super hot fellow test pilot (Blake Lively, who apparently was in the Gossip Girl). Hal is played by the remarkably inappropriate Ryan Reynolds, and he has an on screen romance with Ms. Lively that throughout the movie seemed forced, awkward, unnecessary, distracting, and lacking in all forms of chemistry. Sorry Martin Campbell. Just putting two hot people on screen together does not make for onscreen magic. The chemistry wasn’t as bad at that in Water for Elephants, but it was on par.
Anyway, the alien Green Lantern gets mortally wounded in a criminally short action sequence (a pattern that would unfortunately repeat itself throughout the movie) and travels to Earth to have the ring pick out his replacement, which is of course Hal Jordan. Hal gets the ring, another dorky guy who actually was in his own way cooler than the entire rest of the cast gets infected with yellow power and becomes a minor super villain, green action ensues, and the movie ends feeling about 20 minutes short.
I am going to do something a little different with this, in that I want to expound upon a few of my black holes in detail here and then list them later. I have some serious issues with a lot of stuff and feel the need to get into it more specifically. First of all, this entire movie felt like the third in a series, not the first. You know, the episode where the studio has made a ton of money on the first couple and now is just grinding them out by the numbers in order to milk the fans for as much money as we can stand to part with? The one where the director feels the need to shove as much CGI and as many villains in as possible in order to make up for the fact that he doesn’t really have a story? The episode where he feels comfortable leaving all forms of character development or exposition out because all that back story nonsense was covered in the first one? That episode? This is that one. I understand the studios see franchises as the real way to make money, but is the need so overpowering that you feel you can just jump into a franchise mid stream and still make your dough off the unwashed masses?
Secondly, the movie felt really 20-30 minutes short. All the action scenes ended before you really got into them. If you have read the real GL story you know he spent a long time in training, and developed a mutual respect and friendship with Sinestro before returning to the field. Here he spends about two minutes getting his ass kicked while Sinestro is nothing more than a dick to him. Also, a felonious amount of screen time is wasted on his so called romance with Blake Lively and a bunch of other crap I could care less about.
Finally, Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern. The guy is a romantic comedy actor. Sure he pulled off looking good in the suit (although I think he is a little too weedy for it) but if I recall Hal was a responsible, dedicated military officer, not a smirking, irresponsible reprobate. Also, is it written into every movie contract Ryan Reynolds has that his character has to be seen as the guy who sleeps with every hot woman character withing a 50 mile radius? Hooking up with local sluts made sense in Van Wilder, but does he have to play the same character in every single movie? I lay blame for this firmly in the director’s lap. Had Campbell taken two minutes to explain to Ryan that he really shouldn’t smirk at the camera in every scene we might have gotten a much more tolerable performance.
By the way, I will give a star or two for really good special effects and CGI, but the days of those things carrying a movie are gone. CGI is so easy and accessible that we really need to get into a good story and acting. I honestly don’t find it interesting. In fact, good special effects now is the norm and is only really noticeable it it’s absence.
Anyway, the stars. Comic book movie. One star. Generally good special effects. Two stars. Blake Lively looking hot. One star. Sinestro was cool and well acted. One star. Hector Hammond was cool. One star. Tim Robbins as Senator Hammond. One star. Ummm. That’s pretty much it. Seven stars (and I forced one. The special effect weren’t really worth two stars).
Now the black holes. Really, really bad direction. Two black holes. The movie felt short. One black hole. Too much completely pointless Hal Jordan as a social misfit (including but not limited to his romance and a dumb ass birthday party for his 11 year old nephew that included an even dumber reckless driving sequence to show what a wild man Hal was, not to mention a “heartwarming” scene between Hal and his nephew. In fact, I was going to give this point one black hole but now that I have written in up I am again incensed and will ramp it up to two. ). Two black holes. Not enough of the other alien Lanterns, or of the planet Oa. They are cool looking aliens. Why can’t we see them? One black hole. Ryan Reynolds. One black hole. Every action sequence was painfully short, and the final epic fight felt less like a conclusion and more like the movie makers were running out of film and wanted to wrap it up. One black hole. The whole I-was-a-normal-human-but-now-have-super-powers-let-me-show-you scene is cool as exposition once (unless, of course, we had just seen a whole training sequence detailing all the powers) but there is no reason to shove it down our throat twice, especially when one of the two people is a minor character who’s only function was to pick up Hal at the beach and give him a ride home. One black hole. For every cool alien Green Lantern I wanted to meet or see more of they managed to find a minor human character to introduce and have vanish like excrement flushed down a toilet. Is it absolutely necessary that we be introduced to Hal’s two brothers, his sister -in-law, and his nephew for four painful minutes before they disappear, never to be seen again? How about some more of Kiliwog, or Sinestro, or Bzzd, or Galius Zed? One black hole. The Guardians literally looked like Pez dispensers. One black hole. While the special effects were generally good, there were a couple scenes where I was looking for wires. I think they forced some of the perspectives in order to make it look good for 3D and since I saw it in 2D (or, in many other ways, 1D) they looked really stupid. One black hole. A complete lack of arc for Hal Jordan. One minute he is Van Wilder and can’t make a green powered back scratcher, and the next he is captain responsible and creating miniguns. Overall the pacing was horrible. One black hole. Some other major holes in the plot. One black hole. The writers took the actual Green Lantern story, murdered it, and then spent 105 minutes desecrating it’s corpse. One black hole. They forcefully crowbared in the lead in for the sequel. One black hole. And finally, one black hole for making a sequel movie to a franchise that hasn’t even started yet. Total: 17 black holes.
In the irksome-but-not-black-hole-worthy category I only have one, and that is it is established early on that the universe literally has millions of sentient species. How is it every alien is not only 100% aware of humans, but knows enough about them to be surprised that the ring would pick a race so young? Minor but kind of irritating.
So a miserable final score of 10 black holes. I didn’t start writing this planning to dump all over it, but I stand by my scoring. Ultimately completely forgettable in all aspects, at least as soon as the next movie that relies on special effects over writing and direction comes along. If you are the type that is easily distracted by string or shiny objects by all means go see it. It is fun and entertaining, and when you get bored you can play with your laser pointer. If you find being pandered and catered to on lowest levels offensive and actually want a movie that will evoke an emotional or intellectual response, go see X-Men First Class for a second time.
Nerd Dating: the greatest date ever-movie night in Part 6 even more what to watch
Yes I am continuing with this. It amuses me.
Action-this is a fail hole like no other. If you suggest an action film she will make the (probably correct) assumption that you are an insensitive jerk who does not care one bit about her or what she wants to do. If she suggests an action film, this is absolutely, 100% a test to see if you are in insensitive jerk who does not care one bit about her or what she wants to do. It can occasionally be colored by a desire on her part to make you happy, but even then the test is still there and to say anything other than “I don’t know if that’s appropriate” is to fail miserably. Don’t fall into this trap.
Porn-are you really dumb enough to even need instructions on this? Unless she is actually a sex worker, as far as she knows you never even watch porn, much less have a Congressional Library sized collection.
Sexy comedy/drama-these are films which are good stories and acting combined with some hot sex scenes. These are excellent for movie night as they show her you’re interested in sex without looking like you are obsessed with it (which, odds are, you are). Also, while porn will in most (normal) cases just disgust her, seeing two attractive people roll around in bed showing a rated R amount of skin will actually peak a lot of women’s interest. Unfortunately, this is a genre that has really been dropped by Hollywood in the last few years. I guess they feel the need to cater to the freaking ankle biters. God forbid we should make a movie you can’t bring your screaming three year old to in order to make the hapless nerd movie reviewer three rows behind you miserable. But I digress. You have to go back a few years to find something that is both of good quality and has the appropriate amount of nudity. Risky Business and Fatal Attraction are two that spring to mind. Also, don’t fall into the trap of assuming anything rated R will work for this. Both of the Hangover movies were rated R and for the most part had a lot of man penis and cussing in them and not a lot else.
Romantic Comedy-ah, now you are thinking. These movies should get her laughing and also thinking about how miserable her single life really is. If you suggest one it will make you look sensitive and cool. If she suggest one she is throwing you a life preserver. Don’t fail to grab it. Modern ones are fine, but I personally find classics from the 80’s work really well.
Comedies-these can be hit or miss. She could be the type who really likes comedies and will get turned on by laughing at one. Or she could be the type who puts these in the same mental category as action films. Also, there are varying levels of crudeness in comedies and while one film might make her laugh her clothes off another film might well disgust her to the hilt and you by association. Picking a comedy is a lot like the white trash sport of noodling; sometimes you get a delicious catfish, and sometimes you lose a finger to a snapping turtle. Stay away, and if she suggest one assume it is a test similar to the action film test.
The Princess Bride-why does this film deserve it’s own listing, last on my list? Because it is possibly the greatest movie night date of all time. There isn’t a woman I have met who doesn’t love or get turned on by this film, and better yet it is cool and funny enough to hold the most macho guy’s interest. This is one you really can’t go wrong on (actually, failure is the mother of invention, so there is probably a decent chance you will still find a way to screw this up. However, I hold that unless your date is some kind of alien it will never be this movies fault). In a weird twist of mental fate no woman I know would ever actually suggest this, possibly because they assume you would hate it of perhaps for fear of being perceived as too girly. You, on the other hand, will gain massive props for having suggested it. (Inigo Montoya image courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
That’s it for movies. I need to think about where I am going next with this topic, so I may well give it a rest for a day or two. New movies coming out this weekend so look for some movie reviews soon. Talk to you soon.
Nerd Dating: the greatest date ever-movie night in-Part 1
Yes, I’m back on the dating thing again. I think I have let it lie fallow long enough to let all the dating manure re-fertilize my dating advice farm. For now I am going to talk about the perfect date-movie night in.
Why is this the perfect date? Because in 90% of dating situations this usually means that the girl is finally comfortable enough to hang out with you in a place with a couch, a bed, and no witnesses (in the other 10% it is either her chance to really screw with your head or drug you and leave you in a bathtub full of ice with your kidneys missing). I won’t be so crude as to say this is guaranteed a night of sex, but I will say that as long as you don’t choke majorly your odds of making this happen have increased dramatically.
The operative phrase in that last paragraph is “as long as you don’t choke.” The chance of blowing it completely still really exists, and most of the onus is on you to make it happen (or at least not lose any major organs). It’s like playing pool and having the 8 ball lined up against the corner pocket. Easy win, but if you are off by even a little it could still bounce out.
So, how to we make the evening work perfectly? Like all my other advice, I am going to give you explicit, excruciating details on what to do and, more importantly, what not to do. But first, we need to interpret the exact circumstances of the date.
The major question is if she is willing to go to your place, or have you over to hers. If she wants you go come over to her place that is both good and bad. Good in the sense that because she is in a place she feels comfortable she will be more relaxed and at ease. However, there have been many times I have been invited over to her place only to find her roommate hanging out on the couch joining us for whatever flick we are going to watch. This set of circumstances is usually set up ahead of time by the girl in order to have her roommate scope you out from head to toe, as well as provide a safety net in case she decides you aren’t the man she wants to hook up with. If you do well the roommate will receive whatever subtle signal was prearranged and slink back into her cave, leaving you alone with your date on the couch, or you and your date will retire to her boudoir to make out on her bed. If you don’t measure up expect the roommate to hang out all night or even be the one to say something like “You should probably get going now” while your date is in the restroom or looking really uncomfortably at the wall. In my experience, women roommates take on a weird family/control role that is usually lacking in male roommates, perhaps because men don’t really care enough to step in and do something.
Anyway, if she has you over to her place and her place is otherwise empty, than things look good. She is probably plagued by self doubt and self esteem issues, and wants to show you her perfect home, complete with doilies and a duvet. If she has real issues she will probably cook a meal for you. Compliment her apartment (“Nice place. Lots of…space.” Bruce Wayne and the Joker-Batman), compliment the food (“Brains? You shouldn’t have!” Zombie image courtesy of the Resident Evil t shirt category), and compliment her (“The candlelight really catches the gleam off your fangs.”). Eat every spec of food on your plate (or surreptitiously slip a few bites to the cat) and ask for seconds.
Honestly, that’s it. Dress nice, act nice, watch the movie, and make the move with third base as your minimum goal. At her place it is easy.
If, on the other hand, she wants to do this at your place, that is the dating equivalent of activating a malfunctioning warp drive and hoping you don’t get slammed into a black hole. I will discuss the implications and kind of prep work you need to do on this starting with tomorrows post. That’s it for today.
Movie Review: the Hangover Part II
First of all, I have an issue with the title of this flick being called “Part II”. When you say something is Part II that implies that Part I was not complete, and that you had some kind of plan for a continuation of the story. Godfather Part II, for example. I think the story of the Hangover was pretty well encapsulated and completely told. There were no loose wires or unresolved issues at the end, like Darth Vader not being killed at the end of Episode IV and the whole Empire still in full power. There was nothing, in fact, that even suggested a second part was needed or even desired (except for the whole “Doug married a Las Vegas hooker thing, but in spite of being the only thing that seemed to lead to another film the writers of P2 managed to dispense that whole issues with one line of expository dialog).
(Baby Carlos image courtesy of the nerd t-shirts)
This does not mean that the Hangover was not worthy of a sequel, nor that it would not be funny. Just that calling it Part II is a level of hubris that goes beyond the pale. I happen to know the story behind the creation of P1, and there was never a plan for this thing to do more than slink off to the DvD graveyard. The wild success of the movie out of nowhere is part of the mystical story of the film beyond the film. Also, there is no way calling this movie the Hangover Part II in any way enhances the film watching experience, unless having me be annoyed while standing in line at the box office is a part the movie magic.
Anyway, I got done with the convention I did yesterday and treated myself to a full price movie ticket. So, after being annoyed at the film name and scoring my usual Junior Mints, I creeped out some guy by sitting in the empty seat right next to him and watched the film.
I am going to be tossing out some spoilers here in a few lines and will, out of basic human decency, warn you beforehand. However, I can say without reservation that if you have seen the Hangover P1 then you have seen the Hangover P2. It is the bastard love child of the Hangover mated with the Hangover, and like most cases of direct inbreeding, has come out with something that looks remarkably similar but is in many ways defective. Is it funny? Yes. Will you laugh? Yes. Will you want to spend the money to see it a second time? No. Just not that good. The overall feeling is that the writers mostly phoned it in. Maybe they were under some kind of unrealistic deadline (“We need to start making money on this NOW NOW NOW!”) and figured the best way to get it done was to just rework the old script with a couple new characters and an Asian supporting cast.
Before I get into the story I would like to reiterate what I just said in the last paragraph: it is EXACTLY THE SAME MOVIE. The individual jokes and scenes are (modestly) different and funny, but the story is the same, only grittier and set in Thailand. Here is where I toss is my SPOILER ALERT, but honestly, nothing to worry about. Does any of this sound familiar? The movie starts with the Phil (Bradley Cooper) calling in to tell a friend of the bride that the crew f***ed up. Then the flashback begins. Stu is getting married to a super, duper hot Thai girl in Thailand. Her father hates him in the most stereotypical “I hate white boys” way humanly possible. They have a little party on the beach and one of the Wolfpack who shall go nameless but whose name rhymes with Talan accidentally drugs the whole crew while attempting to do something more benign. They wake up in a seedy Bangkok hotel room missing the 16 year old brother of the bride, who is a Stanford premed. They find, instead of a baby and a tiger, a monkey (ok, I guess the writers made some changes), and, for no reason whatsoever except to crowbar him back into the film, Mr. Chow from the first movie. Stu, rather than missing a tooth, has a Mike Tyson style tattoo on his face. The crew is then required to run around the city recreating the night before wherein the following stuff that is not exactly like the first movie happens (spoilers incoming in force. Do not keep reading if you plan to see this movie and want to be “surprised”):
Stu finds out he had sex with a tranny hooker (which is not the same as marrying a hooker). The crew kidnapped a Bhuddist monk under a vow of silence and get beat up by another monk when they try to return him (which is not the same a stealing a tiger from Mike Tyson and getting punched in the face for it). Stu got a face tattoo (which is not the same as removing a tooth). The monkey is made by Alan to look like he is giving oral to a fake penis on the monk on a bus (which is not the same as making it look like the baby is masturbating at a breakfast table). They meet up with an Arabic tranny club owner who points them on their way (which is not the same as meeting the Israeli wedding chapel owner in Vegas). They meet a guy who claims to have kidnapped the kid they are looking for and will not give him back unless they get an account code from Mr. Chow but then later turns out he doesn’t have the kid at all (which is totally different from Mr. Chow claiming to have kidnapped Doug and will not give him back unless they give him his money back only to find out that Chow had the wrong Doug). In the end, they find the kid trapped in an elevator 30 feet from the room they woke up in, which is completely, 100% different from finding Doug on the roof of the hotel they were in at the beginning of the movie.
Anyway, other stuff happens. Bangkok hijinks ensue. Most of the stuff was funny when taken in part but kind of lame when placed into the context of the whole film. Overall the film had a much darker quality that really bled off a lot of the humor. Alan’s motivation to drug people was actively malicious rather than an good hearted attempt to let everyone have a good time. Having a fully grown adult male go missing in a relatively safe city like Las Vegas and the only real concern was getting him back in time for the wedding is good, lighthearted fare whereas having a 16 year old boy go missing in a city known for it’s danger like Bangkok seemed to be a much less funny motivation, especially when everyone they talked to about the missing kid seemed to feel like it was pretty good odds he was dead or living as a male drug whore already. The phrase “Bangkok has him” kept coming up. In one movie you were worried about a guy missing his wedding. In this one you were worried about a kid being dead in a ditch. Just not that funny.
Honestly, that really brings me to my ultimate problem with this movie, and that is the lack of consequences for any of the actions. In the first movie the crew stole a police car and ended up getting used as tazer practice. They stole money from Mr. Chow and got the Mercedes wrecked for it. Stu married a hooker and, for good or ill, ended his current long term relationship. Actions had consequences, and that is what made it real and funny for me. In this movie some of the most horrific, life changing mistakes a person can make occurred with no real consequence and even less concern by the characters involved. A man has unprotected anal sex with a Thai transvestite hooker? No danger or concern for an STD there. A 16 year old kid who wants to be a surgeon and is a concert cellist loses a finger? Nothing to worry about after the initial shock, and even the kid doesn’t seem to care. Lose a finger and spend 24 hours trapped in an elevator in a Bangkok slum, a city know for it’s hygienic standards? No danger of gangrene at all. Your bride finds out that you once married a Las Vegas hooker and had sex with a tranny hooker when you show up for your wedding with a face tattoo? No reason to call off or postpone that wedding, or even demand an explanation. Have a human corpse to deal with? Stuff it in the nearest ice machine and get on with your day. Wash your brand new face tattoo with brown Bangkok tap water and later have pig blood sprayed all over it? No danger of infection there. Kidnap a monk? Run a speed boat up a beach and over a stone barricade into a wedding party? Steal from Russian drug dealers? Incite a riot? Throw a Molotov cocktail and burn a police car? Be involved with an international criminal when he is getting arrested by Interpol? All boyish pranks that in no way should get you killed or arrested.
The list goes on and on. The problem is after about the third or fourth one you get disconnected from the potential seriousness of the situations and, ironically, that makes them less funny. It’s like if the big battle between the criminals and police during the robbery in the movie Heat had been done with Nerf guns. You just wouldn’t care, and honestly after a while I found myself not really caring either.
This is on it’s way to being my longest review ever. I had better get into the stars and black holes. First the stars. The movie was indeed funny, in parts. One star. The monkey is also funny. One star. The chemistry between the main characters is still, in spite of the less than inspired writing, excellent. Three stars. Some of the Thai scenery was beautiful and well shot. One star. The bride (Jamie Chung) was so hot it made my head hurt. One star. Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) was back and, in spite of being forced into the movie, was really entertaining. One star. Paul Giamatti managed to show up as a secondary character. One star. Dialog was decent. One star. Total: ten stars.
Now the black holes. I should give one for every scene lifted directly from the first movie, but I will restrain myself. Three black holes. Alan was kind of a dick instead of the relatively happy innocent he was in the first movie. One black hole. He has some awkward scenes at the wedding party that I just wanted to end. One black hole. The whole “action without consequences” thing I bitched about earlier. Three black holes. Rampant xenophobia. One black hole. Rampant homophobia. One black hole. Every Thai person needed to propel the story along spoke nearly perfect English, including one of the Buddhist monks and the tranny prostitute. One black hole. The future father-in-law was as stereotypical as possible. One black hole. The bride and her relationship with Stu was painfully one dimensional (“We love each other because we’re in love.”). One black hole. If you are going to do a film in Thailand is it absolutely necessary to make a significant part of it about transsexuals? One black hole for grabbing the low hanging fruit. My one positive thought throughout the movie was “At least they didn’t figure out a way to get Mike Tyson into this” until the end when they figured out a way to get Mike Tyson into the film in a scene that will have you holding your breath in an attempt to pass out rather than have to watch any more of him. One black hole. Multiple penises shown on screen in an obvious attempt to stay in the rated R zone. One black hole. Total: 17 black holes.
Yes, a total of 7 black holes. Of course, in spite of me panning it along with the vast majority of critics out there it was still a massively grossing movie. Some days I just hate people. If you loved the first one see this one, but try to wipe the first from your memory. If you for some reason never saw P1 then you might actually really enjoy P2, but honestly without the character perspective given to us by P1 you might miss the charm of Alan and the others. There is nothing in the filming here that requires a large screen, so feel free to watch it at home. Decently entertaining, but two years from now you will not be quoting it or holding it up as one of your all time favorite comedies like you would the Hangover.
Movie Review: Bridesmaids
Yes, I saw this the other night. To be honest, I was going to skip it. It really looked like a chick flick, which for the most part it was. However, just like with Your Highness, I heard very positive things about the film on the Howard Stern show, and I have to say I respect Howard’s opinion on most things. If you think he is nothing by crude, insensitive humor than it’s obvious you have never actually listened to his show. You really should give it a chance.
Anyway, the fact is I quite enjoyed Bridesmaids. It was really funny, well written, and accessible to Y chromosomes, although it was definitely chock-full-o-estrogen. It is the bastard love child of Thelma and Louise and the Hangover. I laughed my ass off continuously. It has it’s issues, like most movies do, but was overall very entertaining. (Baby Carlos image courtesy of the movie t shirts category)
Anyway, the movie. Kristin Wiig (from Paul) plays an out of luck loser and failed bakery owner who’s best friend gets engaged to some guy with a lot of money. She is drafted to be the main of honor and coordinate the bridesmaids, who don’t even know her. Meanwhile, Helen, one of the other bridesmaids, is a rich, perfect seeming bitch who wants to supplant her position as best friend and maid of honor. I don’t want to get too much into the story, but lest just say Wiig leads the bridal party from one disaster to another, most of which are her of own making. The rest of the bridesmaids appear to be as pathological as she is, in a mostly one dimensional stereotypical way. Meanwhile, her Porche driving booty call is a total a-hole (no surprise there). She meets a nice guy in the form of an Irish cop (Chris O’Dowd, from the IT Crowd, a nerd favorite) who she manages to wreck too. Wedding hijinks ensue. Wedding events get ruined, usually for crude humor reasons. There were a lot of laughs, although I feel like I missed a bunch of female specific humor. I know there were a few scenes that had me cringing while a lot of the women around me were laughing hysterically. Overall, however, a positive experience.
The stars. Kristin Wiig is great, both at an actor and comedian. She does great physical humor, and as the writer she really knew what situations would work really well for her acting style. Two stars. The movie was literally packed with laughs. You couldn’t go a full minute without laughing at something. Three stars. Melissa McCarthy was really funny as the unexpected supporting character. One star. Overall well written, although we can get into some of the writing issues later. Two stars. The evil Helen, played by Rose Byne, is super hot if you like tall, thin, waifish, elfin like women (which I do). One star. With the exception of Melissa McCarthy, the rest of the bridesmaids are pretty easy on the eyes (actually, in a surreal twist, all the bridesmaids except for McCarthy are more attractive than the bride (played by Maya Rudolph). She was hot, but the rest were hotter). One star. Wiigs super creepy British roommates were really funny and added a nice little subplot, although they were a little on the too surreal side for the tone of the movie. One star. Wiigs mother, the non-alcoholic alcoholic, was a good addition and help to add quite a bit to Wiigs character development. One star. It’s really nice to see a movie filled with actual talented comedians and people who have done stuff other than be pretty faces on a screen. One star. At the end of the movie you feel good. One star. Total: fourteen stars.
Now the black holes. The story arc (see how much like a grown up reviewer I have become? One day I hope to use the phrase “chewing the scenery”) seems a little flat. There is an obvious attempt to show some character development for Wiig, but it doesn’t really read so much like a journey as a series of discrete vignettes that happen to have the same characters in it (a little like a show that will go nameless but rhymes with Latter Day Fight Dive). One black hole. I am not really a fan of scatological humor, of which this film seems to make a lot of. One black hole. With the exception of McCarthy, almost all the supporting characters seemed really one dimensional and stereotypical. There was the a-hole boyfriend, the horny frustrated housewife, the naive recently married girl, the evil upper crust socialite, and the nice guy Prince Charming. It seemed like there was the possibility for some great secondary character development that never surfaced. Two black holes. The editing need to be more aggressive, I thought. There were a couple scenes that seemed to drag on forever (the airplane scene, for example) that could have been cut in half and still been as funny, if not funnier. One black hole. The story overall didn’t really have distinct acts. Instead it wandered from funny situation to funny situation National Lampoon’s Vacation style and then, all of a sudden, we’re at the finale, which was a little underwhelming. I know they got that from the Hangover, but honestly the events in that movie were better connected and made more sense. One black hole. While I found the movie overall really funny, the lack of a good male comedy character (ironically Chris O’Dowd was the straight man) left me, as a man (last time a checked), feeling a little alienated and disconnected. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
So a total of seven stars, which seriously is about six more than I would have thought it would get when I saw the trailer (in actuality it would have gotten none, as my first thought when I saw the trailer was “pass”). The fact that it could rack up 14 stars says a lot, and if you aren’t of a mind to pick apart the script like I am you will probably enjoy the hell out of it. There is nothing here that really needs to be seen on a big screen, so it could easily wait for NetFlix or whatever. However, this is a great date movie, as you will not be bored while your date enjoys all the estrogen flowing off the screen and appreciating your open mindedness, so if you are a gentleman dating a lady (or, for that matter, a lesbian dating a lady or even a gay man etc) buy your tickets now. You should be able to milk the credit you get from watching this with her into seeing the new X-men with a minimum of argument.
That’s it. Big show coming up this weekend so I don’t know if I will be able to blog again before Sunday. Come check us out at KublaCon if you are in the Bay Area and want to play some games. I have an idea for a movie related blog I want to do about some favorite movies of mine, so I will let that idea brew in my brainstem.
Also, before I go this guy I know is working on an animation show and I thought I would toss him a nod. His cartoon is called Feckly, and he has been working on it a lot. This one cartoon is his proof of concept, which is why it seems a little dense. I think once they actually start working on the real cartoon the writing will smooth out and not have everything packed into two minutes. I think he’s got a good concept and wish him well on it. That’s it for now.
Movie review: Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides
Before I get into my review I would like to say a few words about the tragic death of Randy “Macho Man” Savage. I have never been a huge pro wresting fan in spite of wrestling myself in high school. However, I became a fan of Macho Man when he played Bonesaw McGraw in the first Spiderman movie. I also enjoyed him immensely when he played Rasslor in Dial M for Monkey from Dexter’s Laboratory, one of the best episodes they did. It’s obvious he had a great sense of humor, and I will miss hearing his signature “Oh, yeah!”
Anyway, Pirates of the Caribbean. This has always been my favorite ride at Disneyland, although as a kid I (according to my mother) called it Pirates of the Can-o-beans. I also have to admit in spite of my natural inclination to despise anything with the Disney stamp on it, kind of enjoyed the first two films. I missed the third one, something I think might have damaged my enjoyment of this one somewhat. I should also like to warn you that I am a huge fan of the great book On Stranger Tides by Tim Powers, and author who either produces some of the greatest fiction on the planet or complete boring garbage. He writes like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Boring.
So On Stranger Tides is one of his best (second only to Last Call, in my opinion). However, when I heard this I have to admit that the bar was raised considerably for me, which is always a mistake. This film didn’t suck any more or for any other reasons that the other ones did (although they managed to avoid the stupid three barreled gatling gun cannon that Davy Jones had in the second film), but when it committed all the usual annoyances it wasn’t so much that they tripped on the bar as clotheslined themselves with it.
As an aside, I was really expecting them to keep some of the great story elements from the book, but except for the facts that the story involved pirates looking for the Fountain of Youth and using zombie crewmen, they more or less ignored the book entirely. It’s like the writers chewed up and swallowed the book and, twelve hours later, excreted a steaming On Stranger Tides flavored pile of script. It’s unfortunate, as the book is really good and would have made an amazing movie, but now that Disney has marked that territory it will never happen. (Zombie image courtesy of the video game t shirts category)
Those two paragraphs are a little unfair. Pirates offers up an entertaining two and a half hours in the standard Disney formula. The only real problem is if you have seen any of the first three movies you have pretty much seen this one. I challenge anyone who is not a screaming Johnny Depp fan to sit through a Pirates marathon. You’ll be keel hauling yourself by the end.
Anyway, the movie. I really don’t want to throw in any spoilers, but there are a couple points I need to make that might do it a little. I’ll put in spoiler alert when I do, but really if you hate spoilers you might want to skip the next couple paragraphs. So, Captain Jack Sparrow is without a ship or crew and needing to recruit them all. Some dumb filler crap happens in London and he ends up shanghaied into the crew of Blackbeard, who for some reason has super hot Penelope Cruz as a first mate is is somehow his daughter and one of Jack Sparrows ex love interests. Blackbeard has been prophesied to die at the hand of a one legged man. By coincidence Capt. Babarossa has resurfaced missing a leg and having complete hatred of Blackbeard. Anyway, Blackbeard wants to find the Fountain of Youth in order to cheat the prophesy. Babarossa has been sent by some foppish English lord to find the Fountain of Youth and, as a floating deus ex machina, the Spanish have sent three ships to find it too. At that point the movie basically becomes Scooby Doo meets the Amazing Race as the three groups progress towards the fountain.
Pirate hijinks ensue (literally. The action was pretty goofy. Disney is to action scenes what Twinkes are to dieting). Mermaids attack. Zombies are promoted to middle management. Johnny Depp is charmingly self centered and irreverent. Barbossa and Sparrow get involved in the stupidest teeter totter ever. The physics of sailing vessels is more or less disregarded entirely.
First the stars. The story is linear and entertaining. One star. Johnny Depp is extremely engaging as an actor. Two stars. Pretty much all the rest of the acting was well done, especially Blackbeard (Ian McShane, from Deadwood). Two stars. Penelope Cruz is hot. One star. Casting was great. One star. Filming and editing were really good. One star. They restricted the comedy relief to Jack Sparrow. One star. Overall, the story was more like Curse of the Black Pearl and less like the lame second film. One star. Dialog was clever and funny. One star. Total: eleven stars.
Now the black holes. The “action” started off lame and got worse as the movie progressed. I’m sorry, but two guys carrying a plank are going to notice a fully grown man jumping on the plank, not keep carrying him perfectly level through the crowd. I know these movies are supposed to be dopey on the action, but this stuff felt like a toothache that got worse as the movie progressed. One black hole. Claiming to be inspired by a great book but then ignoring it completely. One black hole. Mermaids were kind of dumb. One black hole. SPOILER ALERTS! They had a really interesting plot conundrum in having to transport a mermaid over dry land in a big aquarium but as soon as it became inconvenient she magically grew legs. One black hole. The Spanish had a secret goal they could have accomplished about 45 minutes into the film by destroying some artifacts but didn’t. One black hole. So much deus ex machina that God must have been working as a Production Assistant on the set. One black hole. A shockingly anticlimactic ending. One black hole. They crowbarred in a really dumb romance that made almost no sense. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
So a net total of two stars. Not bad, and if you can stomach dumb Disney action entertaining. If you can approach it with the right attitude (cough cough stoned cough cough) it will actually be a lot of fun, and for the most part good for kids too (I had another crying baby in the theater, BTW. What is up with you parents???). Worth seeing in a theater, in my opinion.
Not sure what I have on deck for tomorrow. I have a lot I am doing this week and am getting ready for a big gaming convention this weekend. If any of you are going to Kublacon stop by and say hi. Talk to you soon.
Movie review: Dylan Dog, Dead of the Night
So I am doing this review by request from my best friend Dave (yes, my best friend is ALSO named Dave. He does exist, and just because none of my other friends have ever met him or can tell you what he looks like in no way implies that I made up an imaginary friend and gave him the same name in some kind of schizophrenic ego boost. By the way, Dave is watching you right now and thinks that t-shirt you are wearing is pretty cool). He has been reading the Dylan Dog comic for years and tells me it is both bloody and chock full of gratuitous nudity. It is written Tiziano Sclavi in Italy. He says it is great, and wanted to get my opinion of the film.
Actually, I can’t help but feel like the lab monkey on this one, or the kid the other kids get to eat something first. However, I have been looking for a bad movie to review for a while and, to be honest, was usually the first one to try something as a kid, so I don’t mind. In fact, if you have a movie you would like to see a review from feel free to post a response to any of my review or send me an email at [email protected] or send me a message on Twitter and I will see what I can do.
Also, I don’t know if this is at all significant, but in addition to Italy and USA Dylan Dog is published in Croatia, Serbia, Denmark, the Netherlands, Poland, Spain, and Turkey. I’m kind of at a loss as to what kind of observation I can make based on that list, but somehow it seems more than a little weird.
Anyway, Dylan Dog the movie. Honestly, I am a little repulsed by movies like this not because it’s particularly bad or good but because it is so bland. I mean, it definitely sucks on many levels, but it doesn’t suck enough to make it really fun and interesting. I think the best way to describe it is confused. It can’t really decide what it is. Is it a monster hunting Buffy the Vampire slayer flick or a true horror movie? One minute you are seeing some really decent (given the budget they probably were working with) CGI werewolf transformation and in the next seeing a guy in a rubber suit that looks like it escaped from the set of Creature from the Black Lagoon. Are vampires and werewolves faster and more powerful than mortals, or can an ordinary human kill mass numbers of them with impunity? 
Are zombies creatures of horror, or are they cheesy comedy relief? Are vampires sexy creatures of the night (Twilight sucks) or are they primitive, savage killers? It is all so disjointed. However, from what I have seen I can’t really blame the comic. These issues I lay firmly at the feet of the director and producers.
(Lugio Fulci Zombie image courtesy of the horror movie t shirt category)
SPOILER ALERT! I don’t really expect many of you to see this film, so I am going to let myself go nuts on the story details. If you plan to see this film and feel that me telling you the ending might detract from the subtle nuances of the film maybe you should skip to the final two paragraphs of this review. I don’t think I will be annoying many people.
Anyway, the story. Honestly, if you have ever read any of the Dresden Files than you pretty much know the story already (Dylan even drives an old Volkswagon), although Dylan Dog preceded Jim Butchers novels by about 10 years, so I guess it’s possible Butcher borrowed from Dylan. Dylan is a private investigator that used to specialize in the paranormal, although he claims to be retired and now does divorce investigations. A hot chick with a really annoying Scandinavian accent hires him to investigate the death of her father, who was killed by a werewolf. He refuses, but agrees after his best friend (who managed to deliver a homoerotic undercurrent with Dylan) is also killed (for no reason that makes sense to me) and comes back as a zombie. Zombies in this movie are not mindless, soulless flesh eaters. Instead they are relatively normal with their intellects intact, except for the fact that they keep rotting and have to eat worms, grubs, and hot dogs (actually that made me laugh). They are also pretty much the comic relief of the film, with a market selling replacement body parts and so on.
Dylan also used to be the mortal intermediary between vampires and werewolves, which is how he got into this business. He lost his job when he went nuts and killed a bunch of older vampires with wooden bullets (?? Honestly, wood does not sound like it makes the most accurate projectile, and the human heart is about the size of your fist. If you have ever been to a gun range you know how hard it is to hit on a paper target that isn’t moving, but somehow Dylan manages to hit every vampire he shoots at in the movie in the heart with surgical precision). After his friend gets killed he takes the case. The movie kind of gets confusing at that point. The dad at one point had a silver cross that could summon some big bad ass monster and everyone wants it. The vampires seem to get the bad guys, but they tend to look a lot like the werewolves, and somehow they have a giant zombie working for them who also looks like a werewolf. Undead action hijinx ensues (sort of). Some civilians are killed, including two cops, but no one seems to care. At the end the girl who hired Dylan turns out to be from a family of monster hunters and wants to summon the big monster herself. The monster is summoned and then more or less stupidly kills himself (it was established multiple times that the only way to kill the big bad would be to kill the person who summoned him. Why then would he take the girl who summoned him and toss her across the room, then leave to let the werewolves literally eat her). Dylan really has nothing to do with the ending and could probably have stayed home and not gotten an ass beating.
First the stars. Comic book movie. One star. Zombies. One star. Vampires that burst into flame in the sunlight, not sparkle (Twilight sucks). One star. Some episodes of decent CGI. One star. There is good chemistry between Dylan and his zombie sidekick that wanders aimlessly into the entertaining zone. One star. Total: five stars.
Now for the sweet, suc(k)culent black holes. Throughout the movie Dylan Dog does a detective noir voice over monolog that made me want to run upstairs and murder the projectionist. One black hole. The acting from all characters except for the zombie comedy relief dismally sucked. One black hole. Dylan Dog, in spite of trying to appear a grizzled private dick, looked and sounded like the really annoying version of Superman (not a coincidence, as Brandon Routh played Superman in the last film). One black hole. The directer couldn’t find a tone for his movie (Horror? Comedy? Grindhouse? Detective film? Two part Buffy episode?). Two black holes. The film really bent time and space in order to maintain that PG-13 rating. No real gore, and absolutely no nudity in spite of the source content. I swear they might have gotten a PG rating if they tried. The movie felt like the vampire version of the Goonies. One black hole. There was no appeal for the protagonist or his romantic interest. The only character worth watching was the zombie sidekick. One black hole. The movie established early on that Dylan would suffer no consequences from the bad stuff by falling off a second floor and landing on a table only to jump up to fight, making the action painfully boring. I found myself struggling to stay awake during some of the action sequences. One black hole. The boss monster, while kind of cool looking, was really dumb in letting his mortal connection die easy. One black hole. In spite of having the strength of 10 men and otherwise being superhuman, the vampires seem to die in droves at the hands of humans. One black hole. In spite of the clues spoon fed to us by the Dylan Dog monolog the story was pretty confusing. One black hole. The “hot girl” was not that hot, seemed to have issues showing anything more than a shoulder blade, and had an annoying accent. One black hole. The makeup for the werewolves is really amateurish. I have seen better on YouTube videos. One black hole. Total: 13 black holes.
So a grand total of eight black holes, which is kind of worse than I thought it was going to end up with. It seems to suffer from the director wanting to cram about five years worth of comics into one movie. I don’t think it is in real danger of turning into a cult movie. That being said, a decent evening could be had with beer and pizza watching it online.
It might be pretty obvious to most savvy readers, but I am kind of new to the whole internet promotion thing and social media. I probably should have been putting this into my blogs months ago, but you can follow me on Twitter at @nerdkungfu. My Facebook page is pretty pathetic, so I will forgo posting it here, but you can find me if you look hard enough. I’m headed to a weekend Warhammer tournament and probably won’t post anything until Sunday night, but will be updating things on Twitter. Thanks everyone for reading this and your support.
