Movie Review: Hanna
So my quest to find a bad movie to bag on remains unfulfilled. Hanna wasn’t great, but it also didn’t feel like parts of my brain were shriveling while I watched it, which is pretty much what I was looking for (see my review for the Warriors Way if you want a good example). It was a flesh wound.
Before I get into the story and specific stars and black holes, I will say this. It is an axiom of film, comic book, and video game that any attempt to genetically engineer a super soldier will inevitably result in one of those soldiers rising up and killing everyone who was remotely involved, and Hanna is not the exception to that rule. Also, in the lexicon of bad places to hang out in any kind of movie or video game, abandoned amusement parks always rank in the top three (along with abandoned schools and abandoned hospitals. Ironically, in my book graveyards don’t even hit the top 10, unless it’s a zombie film (Zombie image courtesy of the zombie movie t-shirts)) and Hanna lives up to the stereotype.
So the story is of a young girl, raised by a Grizzly Adams looking guy in the woods of a country in Europe (? Never clearly defined. They seemed in imply Scandinavia, but since I have license and am also a big Three Stooges fan, for simplicities sake we’ll call it the Kingdom of Moronica) where she has a typical childhood upbringing-killing animals with a bow, shooting stuff with a Lugar, and having her father train her to be professional assassin by constantly sneaking up on her and trying to kill her. In other words, a completely stable, wholesome upbringing with no chance whatsoever of massive psychological damage. (I’m being factitious here, of course. The girl is basically being raised in a blood lined Skinner box). It turns out that she was part of some super soldier program and her father took her away after her mother was killed by a woman with shockingly red hair. They summon the US agency that he used to work for that goes unnamed but for the partially seen seal on a wall is the Ce….. …………. …..cy. Subtle. Anyway, for no apparent reason he bails on Hanna, leaving her to deal with the spy hit team (also sent out for no apparent reason). She gets captured and ends up in a long chase across Europe, where she meets an English family, and is headed for Germany for something.
That’s really my only problem with the movie. There is a lot of lack of motivation for anyone to do anything. I spent the entire movie plagued by “wh” questions. As in, why didn’t they just leave and head to Germany together? What were they hoping to accomplish there? Why would the father take the time to train Hanna to be a super spy assassin, as well as educate her in at least five different languages and the weight of a blue whales testicles (no joke), but not bother to teach her what a passport is or what electric lights or a television are? What kind of spy doesn’t need to know that? What ended up happening to the family that helped Hanna? Why didn’t the super secure facility where they brough Hanna not have security grates on the air vents (or something. Not sure what she was running around in) to prevent escape, or for that matter even a padlock on the exit door? Why would they dress their prisoner in an orange jumpsuit that is almost exactly the same color as the desert rocks outside the underground facility? Why didn’t the trained military guys notice the open manhole they were driving over?
The list goes on. All these questions gave the whole story a weird, disjointed feeling.
Anyway, spy hijinx ensues. A number of trained, grown men are killed by a 16 year old girl. That’s pretty much the bulk of the story.
First, the stars. The girl who plays Hanna, Saoirse Ronan, does an amazing job for such a young girl. I expect to see her do some great stuff in the future. Two stars. As disjointed as some of the film feels, there literally wasn’t a dull moment. One star. Most of the European and African scenery was great, and shot to good effect. One star. Kate Blanchet was pretty good as the heavy, although her Southern accent felt really forced. One star. The father was also pretty good, at least once he shaved off his really bad beard and cut his hair. One star. There is one really good villain from the “effete German soulless killer” school that, while stereotypical, was entertaining. One star. They didn’t try to exploit the cute young girl with some lame love interest (the Professional). One star. I have my issues, but don’t want to bury this film in black holes, so I am going to give two more stars just on general enjoyment. Total: 10 stars.
Now the black holes. I could give about 50 for each of the “wh” questions that came into my head while watching this, but I will be kind and restrict it to three. This may sound petty, but the soundtrack (by the Chemical Brothers, whom I normally like) literally sounded like cell phone ring tones most of the time. I’m not kidding. Every time they changes scenes and a new track would play people in the audience were checking their phones to see if they had left them on. One black hole. I’m really bugged that I never found out what happened to the British family that helped Hanna, and when you see the movie you will understand why. One black hole. The British family, while kind of entertaining and integral to the story, also annoyed me by trying to crowbar in all the pop culture references Hanna, having grown up in the woods eating deer meat, couldn’t. One black hole. While almost all the action sequences were good and well choreographed, there were a couple, especially towards the end, that had me saying “duh”. One black hole. Total, seven black holes.
Grand total of three stars, which honestly is not bad. I don’t think you really need to run out and see this in the theater, but if you can see it cheap go for it. Definitely put it on your NetFlix list. You won’t feel like you wasted your time seeing this one.
I might go see something tonight, being yet another cheap movie night at Jack London Square, but my options are limited. Insidious looks scary as hell, Soul Surfer has sharks, Scream 4 is getting decent reviews, and Hop might put me into a sugar coma. None of the looks sucktastic enough to make a great review, although Hop is probably my best candidate. At least I can talk about the many childhood Easter traumas I experienced.
I’m back and survived Wonder Con
So it has been a week and a half since my last post and I apologize. Honestly, I have had too much going on in my life. The last part of last month was all about getting ready for Wonder Con. Then three days of Wonder Con, which more or less left me a zombie after each day of the show. Then I took the opportunity to move to a bigger apartment and am still in the midst of trying to get unpacked (I have a lovely new living room and dinning area. Problem is I cant actually get to either of them as they are full up with boxes, bookcases, and a suspiciously unused exercise bike). Also I got sick for a couple days.
Anyway, needless to say, my life has been pretty exhausting lately and I haven’t had the time or energy for anything more than work or sleep. However, as I get my life and business back under control I should be able to keep things moving on the blogging front, at least until the next major event convergence.
Let me say first of all, Wonder Con was busier and more fun than last year. My best friend drove up from LA with his two boys and it was great to see him. I had good people helping me in the booth and sold a ton of shirt. Best of all, the shirt that outsold all the rest was my own design, this lovely zombie target practice shirt from the zombie movie t shirt category. Make me very happy and proud.
Second of all, it was a ton of fun. Lots of cool people, some really amazing costumes (as well as some amazingly bad ones), celebrities, panels, debuts, and all the stuff a good convention could have. Or so I hear second hand, as I didn’t have five minutes away from the booth, as two of the girls I hired got sick (and then got me sick, I found) and couldn’t work on Saturday. Fortunately I had a good friend in the city willing to work for t-shirts, so I was able to cover it. Still we could have used the help.
Anyway, I am falling asleep even as I type this. I am not event going to proofread this post, so enjoy the typos. I’ll get back into blogging full time starting tomorrow. For now, good night.
Movie Review: Paul
So last night I was going to see Limitless but screwed up on the times and had to see Paul. I have been looking forward to Paul for a long time, but don’t think it will make a good review as I expected it to be amazingly cool (which it was). I will try to see Limitless later this week. Also I just found out that Regal Jack London Square has extended $5 movie night to all day Sunday, so I am pretty sure I will see Sucker Punch this weekend and review it too. I can’t wait.
For those of you living in a cave and not at all familiar with nerd culture, Paul is the latest movie by British comedy greats and nerds Simon Peg and Nick Frost. If you have not seen Shawn of the Dead or Hot Fuzz stop reading RIGHT NOW and go rent them immediately. Then come back. You will be a better human being for having done so. (Winchester Tavern Shawn of the Dead image courtesy of the movie t-shirt category)
By the way, if you are a Simon Peg/Nick Frost fan be sure to check out Spaced, a BBC show about two flatmates (that’s British for roommates) that I happen to think is really funny. It’s a lot of fun.
Anyway, Paul is about two nerds from England who come to America to go to Comic Con and then tour famous UFO landing sites. In the middle of nowhere they pick up an alien named Paul and have to help him get away from the Secret Service. I’m not going to go into the plot too much more than that, since I don’t think I really need to. The best stories are the simplest. Along the way they pick up a girl, are chased by some Secret Service guys, and enjoy some Americana as seen through English eyes. Stuff blows up, alien hyjinx ensue, and at the end you get a cameo appearance by someone who will put a big smile on your face.
I really shouldn’t even bother with my usual rating system, as I will be struggling to find black holes. I will start off with the stars and see what pops up. First of all, the movie is freaking awesome in general. Two stars. All the characters are great, especially Paul. Two stars. The story is really cool. One star. The dialogue is well done. One star. Every actor delivers a decent or better performance. One star. It’s about nerds. Two stars. There are literally several hundred inside nerd jokes and references to other movies (like the hillbilly band in a hick bar playing a country western version of the Star Wars Cantina jingle). Two stars. The CGI for Paul was truly amazing. You really feel like there is an alien there. One star. In spite of the marketing seemingly directed at kids the movie is actually meant for adult nerds. One star. Simon Peg and Nick Frost. One star. It features the guys at Comic Con and remains very true to what I know to be the convention atmosphere (although it seemed a little uncrowded, if you know what I mean). One star. Total: 16 stars.
Now for the black holes. Umm. Hmmmm. Not a lot. I suppose I could give one for the occasional habit of devolving into Scooby Doo-like antics when it came to hiding Paul from the authorities. In a lesser film that sort of Three Stooges slapstick can wear thin pretty quick. One black hole. That’s pretty much it.
So grand total of 15 stars, my best score to date. Awesome movie. Not only do I recommend you see it, but in fact I beg you to see it in order to boost the movies revenue and therefore encourage Hollywood to give more money to Simon and Nick more money to keep making them. We need to support guys who make movies that don’t suck.
That’s it. Kind of short for one of my movie reviews, but the long ones are where I can bitch and find ton’s of black holes. Great movie, and in my opinion a very decent date movie. If you don’t see it you suck.
As for yesterdays who-would-win question, Lex Luthor versus Joker, I am going to have to go with Joker. Sure, Luthor is a genius and has the resources of Lexcorp, but the unpredictable nature of the Joker will mean he will come figure some way of getting to Lex that was completely unseen.
For today, I would say let’s keep going in this thread going but take it up in scale. Who would win: Lexcorp versus Umbrella Corporation?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating Part 1-Pros and Cons
So there’s this whole new trend towards meeting people online (welcome to 1999 Dave) and you would think that nerds would take to it like a zombie to a fresh brains buffet. However, it seems like the whole social awkwardness nerds experience in real life transmits pretty clearly online, so I think it a subject worthy of my attention.
The fact is, I am not really a fan of online dating and am not especially good at it. Fortunately my best friend is the Grand Master of Online Dating and I will be delving deep into his experience for this. I don’t know how he does it, but he can post something on any site on the planet and get inundated with responses from cool, hot girls. He has the talent. I get all the nutballs.
So I will start off with a list of pros and cons for online dating. This might take a couple posts to go through so rather than listing all the pros then all the cons I think it will be more amusing if I alternate them (since this blog is mostly for my own amusement I think this fair).
Pro: You get exposed to thousands of women across the country. Yes, this is like going to the worlds largest single party and no one has a drink to fling in your face for having the temerity for daring to speak to them.
Con: You get exposed to thousands of women across the country. If you are not particularly adept at talking to women via email and IM this could potentially be the opportunity for the ego beat down of a life time. Nothing like being rejected by hundred women a day via email to make you want to suck on your car exhaust pipe for an hour. If you are especially sensitive maybe you should limit yourself to a few a day and/or treat the whole thing like a training experience. On the other hand, if you need to build up your tolerance to rejection this could be the vehicle to make it happen.
Pro: you can mask your obvious defects. If you are grossly obese, or have a weird growth on one side of your face, or are prone to frequent and fragrant flatulence, have bad halitosis, or some other genetic or lifestyle issue you can hide it with clever photography and descriptive prose. While I don’t recommend you lie about stuff, there is a phenomenon I experience when dealing with sales people (or am doing my day job as a sales rep) known as “Finding the positive.” In other words, mention your creative streak and love of indy film in glowing terms while mentioning your Richter Scale worthy facial tic only casually, if at all.
Con: the women you are talking about can mask their obvious defects. Yes, if there is one thing I have learned with online dating, it is that all women have some photo wherein the lighting, clothing, angle, and planetary alignment is in perfect synchronicity to deliver an amazing photo. Later on I will do a post translating Internet Dating Speak into English, but you have to assume no one really looks like their photo. In my defense, I usually put up a less appealing photo in hopes that the girl will be pleasantly surprised, but it seems no one else feels compelled to do the same.
That’s it for tonight, as it is 8:30 on a Friday night and I want to pretend I have some kind of social life. I will do more pros and cons next time, although I am planning to see the Green Hornet this weekend and will probably do a review for it next.
As for our who would win question from last post, super evil biotech company Umbrella Corporation verses super evil consumer products company Omni Consumer Products, I think it would be close but in the end I would bet on OCP. The fact is a single ED209 should be able to kill about 10,000 zombies, even the upgraded ones. Headshots are not really critical when you more or less can dismember someone from a great distance. The only chance Umbrella would have would be if they could infect Robocop with the t-virus and turn him into Robozombiecop. Even then he would forget how to use his gun and would probably go down. OCP is pretty much it for me (Umbrella Corp image courtesy of the Resident Evil t shirt category).
Happy New Year
So I hope everyone had a great New Years Eve. I did, and am anticipating a great 2011. I am by nature an optimist, but my experience has trained me to be more of a pessimist. I am trying to get past that. I like to tell everyone my attitude is like my blood type: B+ (it really is).
Anyway, I am going to celebrate New Years Day as only a nerd should; I am going to spend the day painting miniatures for my new Warhammer army and playing video games. Later on I am going to an unwind party at a friends house in San Francisco. Should be fun.
Sorry for the short, subjectless post, but if I did any more it would smack of work and I am trying to avoid that. I hope you all have a great holiday, and that 2011 is a vast improvement over the dregs that was 2010.
I will answer the who-would-win question, as those are more fun than work. In the fight between Mad Max and Alice from RE, I think it’s pretty circumstantial. If Max met Alice on the road in cars, Max would kick her ass. If they met on foot, Alice would probably win, especially with Max’s gimp leg. She has better combat and acrobatic skills. Notice Max did not even try to go toe to toe with the acrobatic Wes in the movie on foot, but had no problem beating him while driving a vehicle. It’s all about fighting in your best element. (Umbrella Corporation image courtesy of the Resident Evil t shirt category)
For today, I will ask one that I really thing could be hard to figure out. Who would win in a fight between Deadpool and Solomon Grundy? By the way, I am going to let this one go for a while and make a contest of it. Send me your answer on this one and why and the person who comes up with the best response will get two free buttons of your choice, including the very cool Marvel or Star Wars buttons. Email your responses to [email protected].
Nerd dating advice: to dance or not to dance Pt 7
I was going to talk about more specific dance moves, but honestly I think I have given you enough to work with, at least at first. Also, I have worked all day and am feeling too lazy to really do a lot of research. I’ll do more some other time, but instead I will address another issue that will come up as you dance: how long should you dance?
The short answer on this is as long as she wants to. Remember, part of dancing is showing her how viral and healthy you are, and bailing out from exhaustion before she does is not a way of communicating this idea. So unless you are seeing spots and/or losing feeling in 1/2 of your body, dance until she looks like she is ready to stop. Keep an eye on signs of tiredness from her, including slowing down, looking bored, our outright passing out. If you are about to pass out yourself and your choices are get off the dance floor or move towards the light, a good excuse is ask her if she wants another drink. If she says no prepare to meet your ancestors.
(if she starts doing the Dance of the Living Dead like these guys, it might be time to ask if she wants to sit down. Image courtesy of the zombie t shirt category).
Another interesting phenomenon that comes up is during your dancing, you will perspire, and by perspire I mean sweat profusely. This is not a bad thing. In fact, it can be very good. “Wait a minute, Dave! You told us to avoid anything that might cause us to smell of anything other than soap or deodorant!” You are correct, in most cases. However, fresh sweat is a healthy mix of pheromones that most women find intriguing. The operative word here is fresh. You know how if you stick grapes into a wooden barrel and let it ferment for a while you get a fine wine that is good and smells great? Sweat is 100% the opposite. Fresh sweat from something wholesome like dancing or working out is good. Sweat left on your body for a length of time smells like ass (literally). Again, do not take this as an excuse to not shower. Just don’t worry about it while you and she are dancing.
Another thing that should go without saying, but given the audience I am talking to needs saying, is if you have some kind of medical condition that causes your sweat to be particularly pungent (dead skunk raised on a manure pile) you should avoid dancing. Claim you have knee problems, or that the lights could cause you to pass out from flicker vertigo. Better that than exposing her to BO so bad it could be classified as a weapon of mass destruction.
Once you get the green light to stop flailing around on the dance floor (that’s unfair. I am sure you took all my advice, practiced extensively, and are now an accomplished dancer. Really) extricate yourself and your date by leading the way through the crowd back to your table (I like to pretend I am an icebreaker).
Actually, that reminds me of something really important I forgot to mention earlier. Under no circumstances should you be the only couple on the dance floor. If there is no one else on the floor you have no business being out there. That is something creepy middle aged alcoholic couples do. In fact, stay off the dance floor if it is not crowded. If you can see wall through the crowd, stay off. If your date is sane she will probably agree.
A Guide to Nerd Guys Meeting and Dating Women: Grooming Part 4 Smells
Your (and more importantly, the women you are trying to meet) sense of smell is critical for attraction and repulsion. It has been shown that people who, for whatever reason, lose their sense of smell also lose all sex drive. Smell is the best memory trigger, and the first scent a woman has of you will color her perception of you forever.
It is OK to smell of: soap, deodorant, and breath mints.
It is NOT OK to smell of: body odor, sweat, your last meal, flatulence, or pretty much anything else.
Odds are this guy from the zombie movie t shirt section will not impress the ladies with his scent.
The whole bathing every day and deodorant will help with most of the body odors, and we will discuss teeth later but brushing your teeth and using mouth wash will help with the breath. Generally maintaining an aura of cleanliness will keep the funk down.
However, a big question when it comes with women is cologne. Do I use it, and if so which one? In general my answer stay away. The chance of buying the wrong one or using an inappropriate amount is astronomical, and there are a decent amount of people who are allergic.
If, on the other hand, you feel the need to splash some scent on, here are a few basic guidelines:
1. In spite of what the French believe, cologne is not an excuse for not bathing or using deodorant. If you believe it is enjoy smelling like cologne and BO, the worst of both worlds.
2. Do not buy cologne from a guy on the street selling Designer Impostors. Not that it’s a better deal, but picking a scent at random is a bad idea.
3. Buy scent from a woman, or better yet with a woman helping you. Test each one on a wrist and have the woman smell it. Then clean your wrist (<–important) and try another. Don’t buy the first one you try just because it doesn’t cause you to gag.
4. Never use cologne given to you by a family member, especially your grandparents.
5. Never, ever use Patchouli Oil. Seriously. That stuff is rank.
Once you have selected your quality cologne, remember subtly is the key. There is a fine line between having an intriguing, intoxicating scent and smelling like a French cathouse. A tiny dab on the neck under each ear and on each wrist should suffice. Never use spray on. Remember less is more. If you feel you aren’t overpowering enough you can always add more later, but the only way to go less is to take another shower.
Honestly, though, take my advice and stay away from it. The best way to wear cologne is if you have a girlfriend and she helps you select it. That way you know she likes it.
Next post: the mouth.
First day of WonderCon done
and it was great. I had no idea we would be so busy. My feet are killing me, but we sold a lot of shirts. Tomorrow is supposed to be even busier. I need to go in early and unpack the rest of an order that arrived last night. The new baby onsies were a big hit, as was this girls shirt from the zombie t-shirt section.
I am super tired, but I had a lot of fun. Lots if interesting people to talk to, and I saw some amazing guys in great costumes. A bunch of people in great steam punk outfits, a really hot chick dressed as Princess Leia (white gown, not metal bikini, but slit way up high), two guys in great BSG uniforms, two guys in great Starship Trooper uniforms, and someone is a weird furry animal costume of some kind. Not sure what that was about, but I have my suspicions.
Anyway, I am beat and need to get some sleep. I am sure I will see even more tomorrow.
