Movie Review: Water for Elephants, or Circus Titanicus.
Yes, I’m back on the movie kick. I had planned to see Furious Five in hopes it would both suck and blow, but turns out it’s insanely popular and sold out. The only thing out there I thought even worth considering was Water for Elephants, which appeared to be a movie about water and elephants (there’s a circus in there somewhere too).
I was surprised, as I knew it was based on a book everyone tells me was amazing and I expected the movie to turn into one of my boring “the movie was decent” reviews that I might not even write up the next day. The surprise was not that it wasn’t great or even that it wasn’t bad but that it was painfully bland. Throughout the course of the movie I wasn’t motivated to leave the theater but if the film had broke or aliens broke in from another dimension forcing us to flee the cinema I don’t think I would have been really at all upset. It was kind of like flipping playing cards into an open hat; you gain nothing from doing it, and even if you get skilled enough to hit it 100% no one on the planet will be even remotely impressed.
I was also surprised in that it has been a while since I saw a movie that was such a blatant rip off of another, more successful movie. The movie in question was James Cameron’s Titanic. Does any of this sound familiar? An elderly person finds an excuse to tell a story from the first part of the last century about a star crossed romance between a lower class pretty boy and the married (or engaged. My Titanic knowledge is somewhat limited) wife of a complete jerk on a vehicle that is headed to a disaster of some kind. The only difference between the two movies really is James Cameron had the integrity to let the movie end on a down note, while Water for Elephants drew it’s inspiration from the Disney school of movie writing.
Anyway, the story. SPOILER ALERT: I will probably give away more details of this film than usual for this one, but in a very real sense I am giving away nothing as the story is as predictable as watching a digital clock advance. Trust me when I say there are absolutely no surprises in store for you. Anyway, an old man is found wandering around a circus and finds the flimsiest pretext to tell the manager the story of how he joined the circus back in 1931. Pretty boy, national spokesman for eyebrow growth, and perennial bad actor Robert Pattinson plays a character ironically (or stupidly) named Jacob who, while starting his absolute, final exam at Cornell to become a veterinarian and have a good life and career, is pulled out to be told his parents, whom he had just seen like 10 minutes ago, were killed in a car wreck, leaving him destitute and homeless during the Great Depression. He finds his father bankrupted the family paying for his education and then, instead of going back to Cornell and getting the piece of paper that would get him a life, decides to see what being a hobo (that’s an old fashioned word for being homeless) was like. He jumps a train that happens to have a circus on it. After dealing with some local color he is hired by the owner, played by the awesome Christoph Waltz (Inglorious Basterds) to be the circus veterinarian.
Waltz’s policy, apparently in order to avoid the hassle of dealing with unemployment claims, was to toss men he wanted to fire off the train while it was moving. No joke. During one night he tosses nine guys off. You would think the trail of bodies would eventually lead some kind of authority to the circus, but it looked like the police were far more motivated to enforce Prohibition laws. Anyway, just an aside.
Jacob meets the wife of the circus owner (played by Reese Witherspoon) and, during the course of the movie, proceeds to fall in love with her in one of the worst on screen romances I have ever seen. Seriously, there was much better chemisty between Reese and Christoph at the start of the movie (possibly because Christoph can act). The romance between Reese and Pattinson looked as natural and real as a little girl making her Ken and Barbie dolls kiss.
Anyway, Waltz buys an elephant named Rosie, who is easily the most appealing character in the whole film. Jacob is given the job of training her, which August, Watlz’s character, seems to think can only be done by beating the hell out of her in a couple scenes that will make you want to vomit if you have any love of animals. Jacob, in yet another phases-of-the-moon-like predictable scene tries love which, low and behold, works. Actually, it works when he discovers Rosie apparently only responds to commands given in Polish (???). I guess there was some kind of connection between Polish speakers and elephant training. Also I guess elephants can’t be retrained to listen to commands in any other language once they learned one. Not known for their memories, apparently.
Oh, god. I just did a little research to see if August was at all a common male name in America and have discovered that the most common baby name for boys in 2009 was Jacob. Some days I hate America. Twilight sucks.
Anyway, circus hijinx ensue. Guys get tossed off trains. Love finds it’s awkward way onto the screen in spite of Reese and Roberts attempt to convince you that they both reproduce asexually. A million minor characters are added for color and then disappear like flatulence on a windy night. The big disaster alluded to at the beginning of the movie strikes, leaving the star crossed love birds free to pursue their dreams of a tepid marriage. Jacob finally does what he should have done in the first five minutes and gets his veterinary degree and a career. I won’t give it totally away, but the final conclusion is so insipid and dumb that the movie would not have at all been damaged if alien invaders had landed and probed all the main characters (in fact, it would have been dramatically improved).
First the stars. Watching the HBO show Carnivale has given me a liking of circus themes. One star. Christoph Waltz. Two stars. Rosie the elephant. One star. The depression era scenery and clothing were all pretty good. One star. Reese Witherspoon is hot. One star. The filming and pacing were decent. One star (can you tell I”m reaching here?). Total: six stars.
Now the black holes. Jacob doesn’t get his degree like a moron. One black hole. Romantic chemistry similar to mixing two glasses of tap water together. Two black holes. There is no established motivation for anyone to do anything, especially August to not chuck Jacob off the train first thing. One black hole. A lot of effort is spent trying to establish that the circus performers and roustabouts are all one big family, right before August tosses a bunch of them off the train. One black hole for discontinuity. Titanic rip off. One black hole. I should give one black hole for every seemingly interesting supporting character who disappeared after two lines, but will restrain myself. Two black holes. The plot device of firing people by tossing them off the train when simply saying “You’re fired ” (Trump) would have sufficed really bugged me. One black hole. Animal cruelty, even in cinema, really puts me off my feed. One black hole. There was a distinct lack of grime and despair that one normally associated with Depression era films (see Carnivale if you haven’t). One black hole. Total: 11 black holes.
Grand total of five black holes. Not great. Not even worth seeing in a theatre (I Hate Theatre image courtesy of the funny political t shirts category). Honestly, if you have two hours of you life with nothing better to do watch it on NetFlix streaming. Your mom would probably like it, so if you are looking for something to do with her that won’t cause your brain to shrivel up too much, take her to a matinee.
Incidentally, it does give me a warm feeling to help contribute another nail in the coffin of Robert Pattinson’s career (Twilight sucks), although that wasn’t my intent when I saw the movie. I just wish I didn’t also have to hurt Christoph Waltz’s in order to do it.
Some thoughts on the death of Usama Bin Laden
Before I get into this, my apologies for not posting more frequently. I had yet another show to do this last weekend, and while it taught me some good lessons (mostly about approaching shows in Southern California with more caution) they always turn into a ton of extra work. I am still folding shirts. Also I have a couple huge new projects to work on.
However, I don’t like to make excuses and will endeavor to post more often. I think I am going to see the new Fast and Furious movie tonight, which should turn into movie review gold tomorrow if it sucks like I expect. Of course I heard on the Howard Stern Show that it grossed a ton over the weekend, so it might end up being disappointingly good.
It seems appropriate to comment on the long awaited death of Usama Bin Laden, evil mastermind behind the 9/11 tragedy. It’s funny, because I am by nature more drawn to the evil villains in movies and comic books. I sometimes imagine myself to be an evil genius bent on world domination. However, while this is all well and good in the wonderful world of fantasy, it is rare that we run into someone who can truly be called evil in real life.
Make no mistake. Usama Bin Laden was a scumbag of the highest order. He killed thousands of innocent men, women, and even children to promote an agenda that for the most part none of us had ever heard of or for that matter gave a crap about. Hitler was evil, but he had the decency to direct his evil at obvious targets (I am not in any way endorsing anything Hitler did. Just pointing out that he did not resort to random attacks on people who he had not clearly identified as his enemies. He sucks too). I had never even heard of al Queda before 9/11, nor had I or any of the people in the World Trade Center been guilty of any of the offenses they claimed to be fighting against.
It should also be noted that he was also a cowardly hypocrite. He sent other guys on suicide missions while he sat happy in his Pakistani mansion. He kept innocent women on his property as a human shield and when finally faced with his just reward used one to protect his worthless ass.
I think it fair to say that, while I am extremely proud to be an American, I don’t drip with patriotic mucus. I have been know to distrust our government and question the directions we have been taking. However, when I heard about Bin Laden yesterday (thank you to the lovely Katie for the text) I felt so wonderful to be an American. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from the sky and all of a sudden all sorts of things seemed possible. I went out to dinner last night and everyone I saw seemed more upbeat. Kudos to the Navy Seals who put paid to that bastard, as well as the rest of the US Armed forces and President Obama for a job well done. I give you all bonus props for shifting all the media focus off the incredibly boring royal wedding. Thank you.
(Game Over image courtesy of the political t shirt category)
Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 3
Still more totally fun dates that involve moving somewhat.
Dancing-most women love dancing in some form or another. Also, it is one of the few of these where it is not only OK but actually most likely preferable if you get totally wasted before and/or during said activities. However, it is also a punji stick line tiger trap that will make you look like a total tool if you don’t know what you are doing, which most likely you don’t. My advice is to go back and read all the posts I did on nerd dancing, practice in front of a mirror, and then take her bowling.
Trampoline-believe it or not, but this is totally fun. A few weeks ago a friend of mine threw a birthday party for adults and as part of it we went to this indoor trampoline facility and played nation ball. It was a blast. Trampolines are really fun, and it is one area where any excess body mass you may have will actually work to your advantage, as it will propel you higher into the air. The best part about trampolines is it is one of those things that can make you look really athletic, in spite of being heinously out of shape. No matter how long it has been since you went to the gym, you will look like an Olympian when you are bouncing eight feet into the air. Just don’t hurt yourself.
Swimming-whether this is a good idea or not is a judgment call. I think I have composed an elegant equation to figure it out. Here it is. Rate the following on a 1-10 scale, with 10 being best/worst. F=how badly our body looks. D=how likely you are to drown or be eaten by something. W=how white your skin is and how badly you will burn. G=how good a swimmer you really are. B=how badly you want to see your girl in a bathing suit. Here is the equation:
X=(G*B)/(F+D+W)
If X is significantly over a 1.0 than it is most likely a good idea. If it hovers around 1.0 than I would hesitate. If it is significantly under a 1.0 than I would bail. Personally I don’t like swimming in water that I can’t see through, so that means I am stuck with pools, which will reduce my score for dying but will increase my F score, as you can look better in murky water. As with everything, it pays to do some research.
Organized sports-when I say this in my mind it is with a rising inflection, turning it into “Organized sports?” That being said, if you have some friends into it fun can be had playing volleyball, or softball. Something along those lines. Tennis is OK too. Stay away from football and rugby, as odds are she will hate it (and you will die). One nice side benefit of volleyball is you can possibly get your date to wear a bikini top without having to get in the water yourself, so bonus.
I’m starting to run out of ideas, so I will let this topic rest for now. I have a couple ideas of new stuff to talk about, plus I should be seeing something good and/or bad at a theater soon.
So yesterday’s question of Renaissance inventor/artist Leonardo de Vinci versus eclectic dope fiend and horn dog Ben Franklin, I think I am going to have to give it to Benjamin, based on time era alone. The problem is Ben Franklin had guns, which would have put the hurt on Leonardo regardless of whatever inventions he had with him. It takes more than a corkscrew helicopter to stop an ounce of lead. (Ben Franklin image courtesy of the political t shirt category).
I don’t have any brilliant who-would-win questions in me right now, as it is Easter and I have worked all day. Tomorrow I am going to rant about WOW a little, so look forward to that. Have a great day.
Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 2
So if you are still reading after yesterdays post I can assume you aren’t frightened by the idea of being outside and generating a sweat. Here are some more idea for good date stuff that involves something more active than flicking the TV remote.
Skiing or snowboarding – if you are fortunate enough to be close enough to ski resort to do a one day trip to the mountain (or, as we used to call it, a burrito run) this can be a great date. It’s outdoors in some beautiful scenery, you get to rest on the lift between runs, its cold which can motivate her to snuggle up, and getting hurt snowboarding or skiing can look pretty studly, as long as you don’t do it while trying to get off the ski lift. Also, unless she is an expert skier at some point halfway through the day she will probably jump at your suggestion to get some hot chocolate and sit in the lodge for a couple hours. Skiing is one of those things everyone has to claim to love, but after five or six runs the average person is happy to sit watching other people be cold while looking cool in their ski clothes.
By the way, this should be pretty obvious, but don’t suggest this unless you actually know how to ski or snowboard. Nothing will make you look like more of a eunuch like flailing down the bunny slope. You need to make sure you are both at about the same skill level or you are better than her (being her teacher for the day can really make you look good).
Those dumb paddle boats – yes, the are stupid. But did you ever wonder how they stay in business? It’s because they make for great dates. You are out on the water (all two feet of it, usually) by yourself with your girl and having fun. It will usually be relatively quiet, and there will be ducks, frogs, and other local fauna to distract her.
As a side benefit, your (hopefully) superior musculature and body weight will more or less mean you can keep your half of the boat moving while doing about 1/3 the work. If you feel at all guilty about that just remember that odds are sometime in the next couple months she will be asking you to move a couch or something. Also, don’t forget that “mauled by a mountain lion saving her” thing from my hiking entry.
Bowling – yes, unless you are on the PBA you will probably suck at this, but as goofy as it is, it is fun and entertaining. This is another activity that everyone claims to love to do, but once faced with the reality of actually doing it are willing to hang it up after about two games. Be sure to practice your moon walk while on the floor with the shoes.
Ice or roller skating – ironically, this is one activity where it is actually OK to be much worse than your date at. Flailing aimlessly around on the ice while she does triple axles is in a weird way endearing and cute. You will not lose any credibility with her even if you fall on your ass. There is a good chance she will even admire your courage and willingness to try something outside your box. On the other hand, if you are great at it you will burn a ton of calories and look cool. There is not a way to lose here, unless you get hurt (not as cool as getting hurt snowboarding).
That’s it for today. More tomorrow.
For our who would win question, the Punisher versus Fidel Castro, I am going a assume Frank Castle either got co-opted by the CIA or discovered Castro was involved in the drug trade somehow. On the one hand, the Punisher is an expert in all forms of mayhem, and with enough planning could probably make something happen. On the other hand, by all reports Castro has survived any number of CIA or NSA attempts on his life. I honestly don’t really know, but I am inclined to go with the Punisher just because I like him better. (Castro image courtesy of the political t shirt category)
For today let’s go historical inventors. Who would win, Ben Franklin versus Leonardo da Vinci?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 11: understanding poster’s careers
This is the last I am doing on this sub-category. I think I will try to get a movie review or something else tomorrow to break up the flow.
Guidance Councilor. Sorry, but if a chance to bag on these guys comes along, I can’t let it go by. I remember fondly taking an aptitude test from provided by the school councilor and being told I was best suited to be a farmer. Sorry, I don’t do dirt if I can avoid it. Also I am to much into instant gratification to wait a whole season for payment. Anyway, these people are like high school teachers in that they deal with smart assed teenagers on a daily basis. The difference is they have a lot less power than teachers over the kids in that they can’t actually fail them in anything. This tends to make them either total dicks or floor mats. Also every time some kid asks “If you know so much about career choices why are you a guidance councilor?” they want to kill themselves. I’d say spare yourself the pain.
Contractor. This is a job description guys who are construction workers use in order to convince you they are more than nail pushers. It is usually followed up by “Well, I’m working for another contractor friend of mine, but I have my own contractors license.” They always drive a freaking huge crew cab pickup truck (most often red). If you are into beer drinking, football watching, wife abusing hijinx than by all means date him. There are no straight female contractors. Incidentally, if you should happen to date one and then find out he is a roofer, run away as fast as you can. All roofers are insane. It must be the tar fumes and hot sun all day. Now that I have said that I had better hope I never have to rebuild something. Good thing I rent.
Blue collar worker. This can be almost anything, be it sanitation engineer, factory worker, bus driver, etc. For the most part good guys, in a boring salt of the earth sort of way. Usually they are grateful to even have someone attractive into them. Generally not the most stimulating intellectually, although occasionally you meet one who is a total conspiracy nut whacko, and they are endlessly entertaining.
Performer. This is kind of a broad descriptive for anyone who makes money (or claims to) by entertaining people. It could be a comedian, a street guitar performer, a childrens birthday clown, a chainsaw juggler, smoke bubble blower, or a blog writer. With a few exceptions the best way to describe these people is kind of pathetic. They typically make just enough money to survive but not enough to get ahead. They feel frustration at not be acknowledged as one of the worlds foremost one man band performers, and need a girl or boyfriend to come to all their lame shows in the 3rd Street Promenade or where ever and collect the spare change from the jug you just passed around. The decent ones have a day job at Kinkos or something. The bad ones live on their takings. (By the way, if you should happen to find yourself dating a mime, do me and the whole world a favor by stapling a note that says “Learn the words you creepy bastard” to his or her forehead and pushing them off a cliff so they can work on their silent flying man act. I sincerely doubt any sane jury would convict).
Band member. Ah, the Crown Jewel of Losers. These guys (usually. Some girls but I find them to be a little more real) dream of a rock-n-roll lifestyle while performing for the same 9 people as the 7:30pm opening act at the local scum pit. If you want to spend every Friday and Saturday night listening to the same eight badly written, badly engineered, and badly performed “songs” in a bar that smells of stale beer and urine than by all means date him. Just know that if he and his band catches even the slightest whiff of success he will drop you like a live grenade in order to sleep with as many groupies as humanly possible. Even crappy garage bands somehow manage to attract any number of (really) dumb girls willing to jump in the sack with them, so you can expect to be cheated on pretty regularly. As for female band member, I actually went out with one and found myself spending a lot of time assuaging her massive self esteem issues and scraping her off the barroom floor about once a week. However, as far as I know she didn’t cheat on me. These guys inevitably have “day jobs” that somehow turn into “day careers”. Do the human race a favor and don’t give them the opportunity to procreate.
That’s it for today, and pretty much it for the job thing. Tomorrow I will break away from dating for a post or two but when we come back to it I will get into understanding pictures people post, or the “You can judge a book by it’s cover” article.
Yesterday’s question, Lincoln versus Reagan, is quite the puzzler. Lincoln was taller, and actually fought a major war. Reagan was more athletic, and invaded Grenada. Technically he did win the Cold War, but that says nothing about his martial prowess. I think that I will have to bet on Lincoln, unless the rumors of Reagan being the anti-Christ (Ronald Wilson Reagan, 6-6-6) are true, in which case I think he would prevail. (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirt category)
For today I propose a battle between a great (if stupid human) warrior versus an lame superhero: who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Beef Supreme (from Idiocracy)
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 9: understanding poster’s careers
More careers. I think there is something going on here where I feel good about myself by making fun of all the boring and/or better jobs out there than I have. More fodder for my future therapist, I guess. Of course, I really love my job, but it would be nice to make the kind of money all the overpaid morons out there are making. I’m going to get into some more esoteric things today, as well as some weird sub categories.
Day Trader. This person really wants you to think he is like a successful stockbroker, but the truth is much uglier. It is (usually) a guy who is unemployed but had $6-10,000 in the bank when he was laid off or fired. He spends all day in front of his computer losing about $100 a day on average basically playing Farmville online with real money. All they are really doing is giving the brokerages money for each transaction. The bad part is they always have some story about how they were up $1.8 million at one point, but somehow are mysteriously back down to $7254 again. The good part is if you are not sucked in when you see that they live in their parents basement you should (<–hopefully) be able to tell what kind of loser they really are.
Life coach. I don’t know if you see these in other parts of the country, but somehow I seem to run into one of these every six months or so. These are motivational speakers and people who tell other losers how to get their life in order. I always picture them sitting with their client and saying something like “OK, try breathing.” I haven’t dated any, as I have a hard time taking them seriously, but they are a bit of a conundrum to me. I can’t figure out how they actually make money, but somehow they always have enough for a nice dinner out and a decent car, but never enough for a house. They tend to be pretty positive, so if you want someone who can make you feel better about yourself both by giving you positive affirmations and by being slightly more pathetic than you or any of your friends, go for it. On the other hand, it seems their constant advice giving would wear on you after a while.
Midwife. This is a weird sub category of the medical field. These women (if you meet a male midwife call the police) are either failed nurses or uber New Age chicks who think giving birth in agony with no drugs in a bathtub is good for the kid. They are rarely seen in public outside of the local organic food collective (aka Trader Joes) or Lillith Fair, so online dating is often a resource they fall on to. They are usually about as hippy dippy as you can get, don’t drink but are very cool with pot, and if they don’t have kids themselves are painfully bitter about it and driven to have one before they have to resort to actual medical science to be able to procreate. Also, they are chock full of advice for any parents around them, so if you happen to be a single parent you can expect an extra special level of hell.
Business Annalist. This is the male Republican version of the midwife (I am sure there are female business annalists out there, but have yet to meet one). Their job is to coach companies into giving birth to younger, better versions of themselves that now need to be diapered every day. They tend to be extremely opinionated about pretty much everything, and feel no one likes them because they spend all day telling people they suck at their jobs. There are two types, really. The first is the guy who uses words like “synergy” all the time and tries to make the company use new technology and processes to be more efficient. He is kind of a bastard. The second is the guy who uses words like “cost/benefit analysis” and “headcount” and basically is brought in to fire as many people as possible without causing the company to collapse under the weight of unoccupied cubicles. He tends to be a complete and utter bastard. Either way they can be tough to date and are also subject to feast-or-famine personal finances as a reflection of whether they currently have a contract or not.
Receptionist. Sorry, the PC terms are Executive Assistant or Administrative Assistant. However, as the title evolves the job and personality does not. These people typically are 
surrounded by dozens of people with way more money and power than they have and are usually pretty bitter about it. Males in this job can really only do it for a few years before either finding something better or killing themselves. They tend to be a little ego bruised and skittish, like an abused chiwawa. Women can do it for the entirety of their lives. If young they tend to be pretty hot and are (generally) hoping to marry someone with serious coin, so if you are not rolling in dough don’t waste your time. The real problem with this girl for nerds is it is terribly easy to fall into the trap of hanging out at her desk all day “flirting” with her. This will either get you into trouble at work with your supervisor or turn into you being her slave as she has you replace the water cooler bottle, get her coffee, and run stuff down to the mail room. If they are middle aged or older they tend to be bitter but shockingly efficient. They often revel in the minor power that comes with being the gatekeeper to the boss, and the reception area is their kingdom. As for dating them, if they are young and you qualify financially they tend to be a lot of fun and often have very pleasant voices. If not then they can be OK to date, but you can expect her boss to be her real boyfriend and you will hear a lot of stories about how everyone else in the company is an idiot.
That’s it for today. More of the same tomorrow. I have some really good ones lined up.
As for yesterdays question, Steampunk Abe Lincoln versus Steampunk Palin, there is no question in my mind that Lincoln would prevail. Not only does he have a built in mini gun but he actually had a brain. He successfully ran for President. He would also attack her with the North. (Steampunk Abe image courtesy of the political t shirts category)
The next question seems obvious until you think about it for a while; who would win in a fight between a ninja and a football team worth of zombies?
Nerd Dating: Spotting crazy girls early pt 1
Ok, we are moving towards the big finally of 2010 when I give you my advice on when to move in and make “the move”, but before that I feel the need to help you avoid dating insane women. This is another subject I am too intimately familiar with, so you will be gleaning a lot of benefit from my pain.
Here’s the problem for guys. It’s not hard to spot a nutball when it’s another guy. It’s seems pretty obvious and you get to spend the next three months wondering what his girlfriend is doing with him. However, when a guy looks at a girl his vision is blurred by sexual desire. In other words, you can’t see her lobotomy scar because you are too distracted looking at her breasts. Even experienced daters get caught in this.
Now, this list is not definitive, nor is it conclusive. A decent girl could have a couple eccentricities that show up on this list and still make a good girlfriend. The fact is in my experience all women are insane to a greater or lesser extent (and, to be fair, all men are more or less stupid, including me. It’s the wonderful dance known as life). The trick is find one who is either sane enough to deal with or is insane in a manner that compliments your particular brand of stupidity.
So here are a list of warning signs I have seen or read about that make sense. Feel free to add to this list if you have some ideas, but I will be breaking this list up into several posts so as to milk the content and not damage anyone’s brains. By the way, to any of my female readers, if you spot any of these behaviors youself might consider hiding it until you get a guy locked in.
Here are the first few:
1. She has actually been committed to or participated in an insane asylum, rehab center, or 12 step program. Is she on serious psychotropic drugs? This should be obvious, but you would be surprised how much guys will put up with when they are horny. I had a good friend who met a hot girl and was working hard to hook it up with her. Then a bottle of Tegretol fell out of her purse. His father was a psychologist and he knew that that drug is used in the treatment of the most severe bi-polar disorders. He was going to bail out, but then his little brain took over and he slept with her. Let’s just say things restraining-order bad from there. (Imaginary Friend image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category). Just goes to show how dumb guys can be.
2. She has more than two cats. This is a subtle, but really good rule. Here’s how it works. One cat is cute. Two cats is so the first cat has someone to play with and still kind of cute. Three cats is the first step to turning into crazy cat lady. I had an ex girlfriend who had two cats, so I thought she was OK. However, her roommate also had a cat, which was three in the household. She turned out to be totally bat guano nuts.
3. She has a purse dog that she brings with her everywhere. This is totally valid in my experience. Any girl who hauls her toy poodle around (especially on a first date, which I have had happen) and lets it hang it’s head out of her ridiculous over-sized bag should have a blinking neon sign over their head reading “THIS WAY LIES MADNESS.” The pet has taken the slot in her life normally reserved for children, and given a chance to save your life or her Snookums she will without hesitancy drop you into a lake of molten lava. This rule also counts for pretty much any pet, be it cat, ferret, parrot, of something a little more exotic.
4. She collects exotic pets. As long as I am knocking out all the pet signs I might as well go into this. “Normal” pets are cats, dogs, birds, fish, small rodents, and sometimes ferrets (they are really cute). Any girl who has a fascination with and collects snakes, spider, tarantulas, frogs, or anything else bizarre she is nuts. This is something only creepy guys are into (like my friend Eric. How you doing, bud?) and when you get a girl into them I can more or less promise you she is freaky-deaky. Also, plants are very cool, but if she has more plants than furniture you could consider this a warning sigh.
That’s it. I gotta run, but will post more tomorrow.
Nerd Dating: More Cheap Dates
By an overwhelming margin of one vote (thanks, Gina) I will forgo my review of the movie Skyline and do more cheap dating ideas. Today we will cover the extremely juvenile movie theater marathon.
(I Hate Theater shirt courtesy of the political t-shirt category. Thank god I finally found a reason to crowbar one of my personal favorites in)
This date will only work if have a good enough feeling about the girl and her sense of humor to believe she will think this is funny, so realistically it is more of a second or third date. It also works less well if you are over the age of about 32, so keep this in mind. However, for the mid-20’s girl with the right sense of humor it can go really well.
Here’s how you preface it. You start off talking about movies and what is current. Then you say something like “You know what would be totally fun and completely like high school? If we went to the movies and snuck from one theater to the next.” Play up the flashback to high school aspect and make it seem like you are into it for the fun of it. For the right girl ti will seem like a funny adventure, and for the wrong girl it will be a good way to weed her out as she never talks to you again.
If she agrees, you get to see 2-4 movies for the price of one and can also pretend like you are actually doing something wild and crazy. IF you have never done the multi-theater trick you have either led a much more or much less privileged life than I have up until now, so I will give you some tips.
First of all, you should know that the owners of the theater don’t really care if you do this. The fact is they make hardly anything off the ticket price, in spite of the massive cost. Almost all of the ticket price goes to the studios and the distributors. The theater makes its money on selling you overpriced popcorn and soda. Also, easily 90% of the minimum wage drones also would have a hard time giving less of a crap. However, there is always one tool who thinks he will be the next great security guard or wants to kiss the managers ass. This is the guy you need to watch out for. Ironically he is almost always the one who looks like a total nerd, so be prepared to be betrayed by you own kind.
Planning is critical. Look at the schedule and try your best to not have a ton of time between films. Back in the day the theaters would schedule things so that this was really hard to do, but the fact that theaters don’t really care has made it a lot easier. It is important that you not be seen hanging out in the lobby for a huge amount of time. Bring a jacket and try to alternate between wearing it and not while moving from theater to theater. You can keep the theater happy by buying something every once in a while, although that will take away from your stated purpose of not spending money. It would behoove you to spend a couple minutes before the first movie to plan out your route as well as the route to the restrooms. Above all try to not get noticed up to but not including the point of wearing a disguise. Also, have a backup plan if Theater Johnny Law catches you and gives you the heave ho (I sometimes wonder where this term comes from. I think it has something to do with getting seasick and you’ve eaten too much ho). Some witty comments prepared ahead of time could be used to make you self look good. Spend a lot of time laughing and joking about how you haven’t done this in years (in spite of perhaps doing it the week before) and have a backup plan in case you do get the boot.
Also, the chance of getting kicked increases over time, so given a choice try to see the best movies first. Also the odds of anyone, even you, having the energy for 4 full movies is pretty slim, so don’t be surprised if she suggests cutting out after the 2nd or 3rd. Therefore try to see the sci-fi flick first.
A night of live music and air guitar in San Francisco
This title should be “Dave tries to get a life.” As any regular reader knows, I’m not one of those bloggers who tells you what I did every day and then shares my shopping list with everyone in some misapprehension that the universe is fascinated by the mundane details of my life. However, last night a friend of mine invited me to see her band play in SF and I was impressed enough by the two bands I saw to write about it, but I am taking it from the concept of reviewing the music I saw.
Before I do that let me stroke my ego a bit by telling you some of the fascinating mundane details of my life as they relate to live music. When I lived in LA I used to go see bands all the time. When I moved to Oakland I was so busy that I really didn’t have time to find the places to go and some new friends who like live music to go out with, so last night was a refreshing blast from the past. It was 1996 all over again, complete with me forgetting my ear plugs, a super hot girl driving me crazy with her loser boyfriend, someone spilling beer all over the place, a tiny cramped club, a bathroom I wouldn’t wish upon my filthiest enemy, and a decor developed by the “flea market meets free crap from beer vendors” school of decorating.
One thing has changed since 1996, however. I don’t know if audiences are lamer, or I have somehow gotten cooler (or more delusional), but as I looked around the room I come to the realization that I was one of the coolest guys in the club. The only exceptions seemed to be actually performers and a good friend of mine, but most of them were pretty lame. Good for my ego, I guess.
Enough of that. Let’s talk about the performers I saw. My friend is in a band called Deeper. She is the lead singer. I had not heard her sing before, and was really impressed. She has a great voice. The band is indie/punk. Kind of Riot Grrrl-ish with a couple of Y chromosomes. Really good, and worth listening too. Unfortunately I was late and missed seeing my friend trip and take a header into the drum kit, but I got the story later on.
The second band was called Thumper, and I liked them a lot too. I am not a fan of hip hop in almost all it’s forms, but Thumper is a really cool fusion of indie rock and hip hop. It’s not some lame mash up or rap with a guitar. It is honest to god rock with rap-ish lyrics. Really cool, and they sell t-shirts so they are near and dear to my heart. I talked to the drummer (electric drums, which you don’t see a lot anymore, but sounded really good) after the show and he seemed like a cool dude, so I decided I would talk about them as well. I think I will look around and see where else they are playing. I think they are out of Fairfield, which is more or less BFE as far as the Bay Area goes, but maybe when they come back to SF.
I wasn’t going to stay for the last band, and so thought my evening was more or less done. How wrong I was. At that point they had an extra special showing of the San Fransisco Air Guitar Regional Champion Matthew “Cold Steel Renegade” Feldstein. I have to say I have never been more impressed by a man in silver spandex and no shirt before. He was amazing and hilarious. Apparently Air Guitar is a highly competitive sport (?) that requires some kind of nickname to become a participant. Check out the US Air Guitar Rankings.
I kind of wish I were joking and had made all that up, but I’m also kind of happy that I didn’t and it’s all true.
(Huge in Japan image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).
Not sure what I am going to do tomorrow. I’m torn between completing my review of the Expendables or doing some more cheap date ideas. If you have a preference let me know.
P.S. I did stop at the grocery store on the way home from the show, and my shopping list was yogurt, grapes, cheese, tortillas, salami, cucumber, and apples. Who says I am not a hypocrite?
Nerd Dating: Dating on a budget pt 6
Here is another idea for a cheap date. If you live in any kind of a metropolitan area check you local paper or community site. Odds are somewhere in your city is going to be some kind of outdoor theater in some park during the summer. A few months ago in San Francisco I went with a couple friends to see Grease. It was totally fun, and had I been on a date with a girl instead of being the third wheel with my friend John and his girlfriend it could have been great.
This is a perfect date for a number of great reasons. First of all, it makes you look totally cultural and/or hip. It is totally fun, and for the most part totally free. You will need a few things. Here is a short list.
1. A clean (<–important) blanket or three. Even if the weather is nice you will want something to sit on. A couple pillows are not a bad idea, but don’t have a ton of stuff to carry. DO NOT bring folding chairs. You want to create the intimacy of being on the same blanket together. Note that if the weather is chilly that is even better, as you can then cuddle up under one of the blankets and get comfortable, if you know what I mean (by the way, if that sounds sleazy or duplicitous get over it. There is no way any girl on the planet is dumb enough to get tricked by something like that. I can guarantee if she is cuddling up under a blanket with you that was her intention all along. Girls are freakishly smart when it comes to something like that. You aren’t fooling anyone).
2. Warm clothes, unless you absolutely, positively, 110% know it is going to be hot. Remember that girls tend to get colder than guys and you can gain gallantry points by offering her your extra jacket.
3. Something to eat and drink. This can be as simple as some water or soda and a bag of popcorn or candy, or it can be a full on picnic basket with china plates and a wine bottle, glasses, and a corkscrew. By the way, if you plan to indulge in adult libations be sure to have something to hide it with from the police who will surely be patrolling the event. In most cases the cops won’t really care if you have a couple beers or a glass of wine as long as you don’t 
rub it in their face, but there is always the chance you could run into a total jerk who wants to make your life hell. I do recommend this, as the actual breaking of the law in such a juvenile way will likely make you look like a bad boy to your date as well as flash her back to high school (in my opinion, this is such a minor thing that it doesn’t even register on my bad boy radar, but odds are likely most of you don’t have the breadth of destructive and outright illegal experiences that comprises my childhood. I Drink Beer image courtesy of the funny t shirt category, by the way).
4. A ready means to and from the event. This can be your car, a public transit system, or taxi money, but don’t ruin a great date by tromping miles across the city carrying blankets, pillows, and a picnic basket. Kind of a mood killer.
5. A modest amount of information about the movie or performance going on. This is again where ten minutes of research will really pay off in increased chances of scoring. If you end up talking about he movie before or after the performance you will look more worldly and smarter if you can drop a couple factoids that were not obviously gleaned directly from the performance. Don’t overdo it, but two or three tidbits that she can feign interest in will make you look modestly better.
That’s it. Next dating post I will try to come up with something to take the place of this activity if you are a hayseed living in a cowtown, but I think next post I will review a couple movies I saw over the weekend while at the Firefly show. I feel the need to show my ability to talk about things other than dating once in a while.
