Nerd Dating: Dating on a budget pt 3
So I am in Southern California for the two different shows in a row, the Long Beach ComicCon and the huge triple show. I am sitting in Starbuck having my breakfast scone and abusing their free WiFi and figured in spite of being on the road I had better do my best to keep all eight of my readers entertained with more dating advice.
Being broke, I still have cheap dating on my mind and so will continue along with that. We live in a great time to be broke and dating, in that almost everything you do to save money you can cover with a thin veil of concern for the environment. No joke. Here are a couple examples:
Problem: you don’t have a car or have a car but don’t want to burn gas money.
Solution: “I am trying to cut back on my driving to reduce my carbon footprint.”
Problem: you can’t afford bottled water and are constantly using your metal water bottle ($4.99 from Walgreens for me) or ordering tap water at restaurants.
Solution: “Do you have any idea how many plastic water bottles just get dumped into landfills every year?”
Problem: you can’t afford movie tickets.
Solution: “The power requirements of a theater, not to mention the harsh chemicals used in actual film production, makes me feel guilty to go to a cinema. The more ecologically responsible entertainment option is to stream films off your NetFlix account in the comfort of your living room with the lights turned down low.” This one is particularly devious in that it kills two birds with one stone in getting her to hang out with you in a dimly lit place of comfort for her as well as making her feel vaguely guilty for not thinking of the eco-ramifications of seeing a blockbuster herself. If this doesn’t get you hooked up you are doing something very wrong (more on actually making the move later).
Problem: you don’t have money for a dinner out.
Solution: “I am trying to support organic and renewable farming by shopping at the local farmers market. Why don’t you come over and I will whip up a delicious salad or something.” Note-this actually only works if you know how to cook, which is why I don’t use it. I make good reservations. Also, if you are going to pull this one be sure she doesn’t come over and see an Albertsons shopping bag in your kitchen. That could go badly. 
Most women at least make a token gesture towards eco-awareness, and if you start off on it before she does you can put her on the defensive and make her even more cheap. With practice you can couch any cheap decision in eco-friendly terms and make it sound like a brilliant idea. The trick is she needs to never realize that for you “eco” actually refers to economical. Whoever said global warming is bunk science never had to date on $3.28. Thank god for science (I Love Science image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).
Next post: cheap dining.
P.S. I should do this at Starbucks more often. I think this is one of my better posts.
Nerd dating: Dating on a budget pt 2
So your are broke and lonely. Nothing would help comfort you than the company of an attractive, intelligent, witty, fun, and exciting girl. Unfortunately, those girls only date guys who actually have money, right? WRONG!
Trust me, one of the great frustrations of my life has always been that it seems like the women I am most attracted to always seem to be dating complete and utter losers. We will get more into that later, and to be honest that is more a malfunction in womens brains (at least, the women I seem to be attracted to) than in your dating process, but for now we are on the subject of having a good time dating with no money.
Like I said before, most women (at least, the ones worth dating) are not avidly money hungry. However, being broke is not impressive for even the most non-material girl. All women, however, will claim to not be into it for the money.
The thing is, even if the girl you are asking out is a saint and does not care that you live in this palatial estate (trailer image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category), almost all women find the subject of money dirty and distasteful. In their minds it is something that they don’t even want to handle or deal with. You might notice that women seem more willing to use credit or debit card than men (statistically this is true). Cash is dirty, and talking about money is gauche.
What does this mean to you? Simply put, don’t talk about your finances. You don’t have to say “I can’t afford movie tickets tonight.” Instead, say something like “It’s such a nice night. How about a walk through the park?” We’ll get into more specific cheap alternatives to spending money later but you should practice never talking about what is going on.
You really aren’t fooling anyone, by the way. Women are pretty astute in this regard, and most of them will figure out that you don’t have a lot of money to burn pretty quick. However, if she likes you (ah, another test for her) she will put up with it up until the point that you rub it in her face. This is part of the trick the total loser guys who get hot girls pull. Deep down inside the girl knows he is a loser, but because he never gives her incontrovertible proof of his loser status she can turn a blind eye and more or less live the lie that he is actually a decent human being and not a hairless primate.
Anyway, bottom line, don’t talk about money, or how much stuff costs. Like I said before, find the positive. A NetFlix movie, a couple candles, and take out Chinese food can be quite the romantic evening and sound more appealing than an elaborate night on the town if you spin it right. The fact that it costs about 1/4 what the night out is merely coincidental.
Nerd dating: Dating on a budget pt 1
Let’s get back on to dating. In the current economic circumstances, not many of us have money to burn on extravagant dating. However, the fact is I have gone through any number of ups and downs financially and have an extremely large amount of experience with attempting to woo women with $12.89 in my pocket.
I won’t lie. It’s tough to date broke. Currently, with the combination of the economy and the fact that I lost a major source of income last year and then sank my entire life savings into a t-shirt selling website has brought me to an all time low. Does that prevent me from dating? NO! It’s actually the fact that I spend 12-14 hours a day working on my website that really prevents me from dating.
The trap that a lot of less-than-wealthy guys who don’t do well with women fall into is making the assumption that all women care about is money. This is true to a certain extent, but for most women it is less a mercenary thing and more a stability thing. They like to believe that the guy they are dating is capable of surviving and potentially keeping up his half of the relationship. The one thing almost all women dread and fear is the idea of having to support a boyfriend or husband.
By they way, coming to believe that and expressing it in public is about as unattractive as you can become. Don’t turn into a crusty old man at age 22.
That being said, there are indeed mercenary women out there for whom money is everything. However, trust me when I say you don’t want anything to do with these women and the sooner you find out about their gold digging predilection the happier you will be in life.
The fact is, having money is an enhancement, similar to being tall, well endowed, having great hair, doing an exciting job, having a great personality, or playing guitar (although personally at this point I would trade in a couple of those that I have for more money, if you know what I mean). If you lack in one or two areas you can make up for them by being good at something else. It’s like I always say when I see a short rich guy with an amazing girlfriend; he looks taller when he stands on his wallet.
So don’t despair for your lack of funds. The right girl will see past that, and the wrong girl you don’t want to deal with. That being said, however, there are things you can do to still look like you are fun and not completely destitute. We’ll start in next post with how to talk (or not talk) about being broke with a girl.
(Ben Franklin image courtesy of novelty t shirt category).
Nerd Dating: how to pay for stuff
This post is a little outside of the progressive chronology I have been trying to maintain, but it occurred to me today that I have not yet addressed the question of how to pay for stuff. This actually is kind of important and pretty situational.
First of all, make sure you have both cash and credit cards in your pocket. An assortment of $20’s and small bills is best, as you might need to tip someone for hailing a cab or something.
The most important thing about paying for stuff is you don’t want to look like a pain in the ass while doing it. That is why you should never try to use a weird credit card, such as Discover or Amex (yes, I love my Amex card. I just don’t try to buy dinner with it). Also, stay away from $50’s or $100’s. You will look like you are trying desperately to look cool like a poser, and there is a good chance the person you are trying to give it to might not have change. Also, 
everyone looks carefully at those bills and you don’t want to be called out for having a counterfeit bill.
Sorry , Ben (Franklin image from the political t shirt category).
The general guideline is as follows; for purchases over $10 credit card, under $10 cash. Only losers and homeless people pay for stuff with cash, so with a few exceptions try to use your card. Here are a few specific cases:
Credit card: dinner, tickets, gasoline, most material purchases.
Cash: tips, cab rides (regardless of amount), donations to street performers (to look like you are supporting the arts), condoms (ha ha ha good luck, but kudos if you need them. I guess that would mean the student has become the master)
Also, use a card that functions as an actual credit card rather than a debit card that requires your PIN. Again, you want to look smooth and entering your PIN makes you look like you are buying groceries.
That’s pretty much it. Remember that money is dirty and most women don’t want be involved in it (they mostly just want to be involved with what it can buy. Not that I’m bitter).
Oh, one more thing. Never count your change when paying cash. You will look like a tool, and the last thing you want to do is make a stink about being shorted $.25. For that matter, don’t argue about money ever with anyone. If you paid $10 for the valet on the way in and they want another $10 on the way out, just suck it up and move on without looking idiotic.
That’s it for today. I think I have some good stuff for tomorrows post, but need to think about it. Talk to you soon.
Nerd Dating: to see a movie or not Pt 3 Movie Etiquette
OK, you have successfully selected a movie and are going to a local theater to see it (I hate theater shirt image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category). Now to discuss how you should behave.
First of all, walk up to the box office and buy both tickets. Don’t even ask. If she looks perturbed or says something say she can buy the drinks and popcorn. This is your chance to man up and look like a guy in control. Also, don’t hand her one of the tickets. That is something friends do, not boyfriends. Hand both tickets to the guy at the box office.
I do recommend popcorn. People build bonds from sharing food. A little accidental hand contact as you both reach for it is a good thing. Let her hold the popcorn and eat it from her lap. She will feel weird reaching into your crotch. Also, if you are going to do candy get something you can easily share, like Skittles or M&Ms. Don’t do hot dogs or anything that looks like a meal. Also, nachos, as delicious as they are, are a prime opportunity to look like a total slob, so stay away. If she made a stink at the box office let her pay, but if she accepted your purchase of the tickets blithely than pay for this as well. Drinks are good, but don’t super size anything.
In the theater, pick a section that seems pretty even. Let her proceed down the aisle and choose the final seat. If you are fortunate enough to be in a theater with the retractable arms (also known as snuggle seats. This is another opportunity where five minutes research may well pay off) it is perfectly acceptable to leave the arm up in order to stay closer to her. It is not necessarily acceptable to use her acceptance of that to creep in on her. Put your drink in the armrest on the outside.
Put your jacket on an empty seat next to yours and take hers. By the way, if the theater is one of those that runs their air conditioning like a cryogenic facility you can gain a lot of respect and appreciation by giving her your jacket to use as a blanket for her legs. If you feel like you want to wear your jacket suck it up and give it to her. Be the man, and the gentleman.
After you get settled turn of your cell phone. Do not wait until you see the notice or she does it. You want to look like you are both considerate and in control. Doing it because you are told to do it is wimpy. Let her be reminded by you.
If you think you might need to drain the lizard during the movie do so now. A good excuse is that you want to wash your hands before the popcorn. You will be taking a slight risk leaving her alone in the theater, but it is acceptable and also shows you are secure and not overbearing. She may take the opportunity to do the same.
By the way, a decent test of how much she likes or trusts you is how she passes by you. If she faces the screen and shows you her bottom as she sidles by she likes you. If she turns her back to the screen and goes crotch first she is not sure and/or is already bored. Of course, don’t read too much into this as she could either be on the fence or just not thinking about it, but I have found this to be a decent barometer.
When the trailers start, it is generally OK to make quite funny comments about the trailers. Here is your chance to be witty and funny. Pretend you are in the theater with the MST3K crew (in fact, if you are a fan don’t be afraid to borrow a couple lines from Tom Servo or Crow. No one will bust you on a copyright infringement, and odds are extremely unlikely that she has ever watched more than five minutes of the show. For that matter, if by some weird alignment of the solar system she is a fan you may gain credibility by referencing the show).
Once the movie starts, shut the hell up and enjoy. When it ends, unless she is in the movie business get up once the credits start. Don’t be one of those weird guys who sits through the entire credits in hopes of seeing a spoiler at the end. If you heard there was one YouTube it. People who sit through credits are never hot or cool, if you know what I mean. Hand her her jacket and if you are feeling particularly smooth assist her in putting it on. It will actually be very awkward and take more time than it would have for her to do it herself, but you will look like a stud if you pull it off correctly (or a dork if you don’t).
That’s it for now. More later.
Nerd dating advice: to dance or not to dance Pt 6
So I’m back from LA and the small comic book convention I did out there. Not great, but not bad either. Nice nerds, for the most part. I will say that the most painful dating lessons I learned were beaten into me while I lived in LA. With few notable exceptions (including one amazing girl I met while at the show but who broke my heart by leaving without coming back to my booth again) women in LA are among the most horrible girls I have ever tried to date, from a purely ego breaking point of view. For the most part, if you are not rich, a movie star, or in some crappy garage band opening up at the Whiskey dating in Los Angeles is like running full tilt into a brick wall while women throw peanut shells, banana skins, and men’s underwear at you to enhance the comedy. Let’s just say I am much happier and do better in the Bay Area (here they only throw banana skins). LA sucks. Not that I’m bitter.
Anyway, back to dancing on your date. We should talk about specific moves you can do to enhance your sex appeal. Fortunately science, long time friend and staunch ally to nerds since the first nerd rubbed two sticks together and invented fire, has actually done a study on dance techniques and has determined what actually works to impress ladies (science shirt courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).
Basically, the scientists (who are, no doubt, expert dancers themselves) determined that in general moves that show health or vitality tend to be more attractive. Specifically head and torso movement tends to be pretty attractive (that’s head AND torso, not head OR torso. Don’t do the headbanger) to women. Leg, arm and hip movement helps a lot too. For some reason movement of the right leg and knee seems to work well. It’s is supposed to have something to do with most people being right leg dominant. Not sure if I really understand that one, but I am not one to argue with what works.
One of the things that this and other studies has shown is that variety is key. You can’t pick one move and proceed to do it all night. You need to mix things up. Don’t be afraid to copy other guys you see over your date’s shoulder, but don’t be too obvious. Mix it up, and above all keep moving.
Next post more specifics and stuff like how long to dance and so on.
Nerd dating advice: to dance or not to dance Pt 4
OK, this is the last post on bad dance moves, then we can get into good stuff. I’m going to run through a big list pretty fast. If you need clarification feel free to Google them or just post a question for me on this blog.
The Sprinkler-in addition to breaking the hand line, this is just lame looking.
The Butter Churner-does this one even need an explaination?
The Running Man-if you want a dance move that, in addition to highlighting your inability to dance, also shows your date that you have no athletic ability as well, this is the one for you.
The Spank-you are not sexy enough to get a way with pretending to spank either your date or yourself. You will look like a moron. Also, it draws your dates attention to your fundament, and unless you do about 1000 deep knee bends a day, odds are likely you want to keep her attention elsewhere.
The Dice Cast-pretending you have dice in your hand and are throwing them is a good way to look like a complete tool. Also, as you probably have a lot of experience playing games involving assorted dice, it just might look too natural (dice shirt image courtesy of the Dungeons & Dragons t shirt category).
Raising the Roof-again, hand line.
The Moonwalk-trust me, in addition to looking pretty lame, you can’t do it.
Anything country-ish-Seriously, anything that smacks of line dancing or Achy Breaky (or worse, the Hoe Down) should be left in the cow towns. If your date is seriously into this either run screaming into the night or go to a place that actually does hillbilly jug dancing.
Hammer Time-if you are overcome by the urge to spread your knees and shuffle back and forth ala MC Hammer, once you are done just pay the bill and head home, as you aren’t getting anywhere tonight.
The Napoleon Dynamite dance-true, he epitomizes nerdom and got a standing ovation when he did it in the movie, but there are three reasons to not do it: first, he spent weeks practicing that particular dance, which I am willing to bet you haven’t done. Two, his dance violates about three million of the no-go dance rules I have already stated. Third, and most importantly, it’s a fictional movie, and we are firmly ensconced in reality. If movies could be real life, then why not hook electrodes to a Barbie doll, wear bras on your head, and somehow create a super hot woman? It worked in Weird Science. Another movie that failed me miserably was Real Genius. Great movie, but the idea that someone in Hollywood really believes that there are super hot women out there desperate to sleep with high IQ men is totally offensive. It’s like a movie shot on nerd Bizarro world.
Sorry, I ran off the rails a little there. Back to bad dance moves.
The Mummy (or Walk Like an Egyption)-as much as a fan of Bananarama as I am, this band will burn in hell for inventing this dance move.
The Macarena- not only should you not ever do this dance, but if you see another guy doing it you should take him out back and beat the crap out of him. It’s for his own good, and the good of humanity in general.
The Light Bulb-this is the one where you raise each arm up and twist your hand like you are changing a light bulb. It technically does not violate the hand line but is in serious danger of making you look like a total twit.
And finally, the Funky Chicken-this is where you fold both hands into your armpits and flap your elbows around. It’s great in that you can look like two different animals at the same time; a chicken, and an ass.
These dances are presented in no particular order (mainly because I am too lazy to actually order them) and is also in no way comprehensive. New, even more horrible dances are being invented every night like some kind of mad scientist laboratory bent on creating a new race of atomic superman dance moves that will one day conquer the world but instead creates horrible mutations that get flushed into the sewer known as the dance clubs. There are also any number of bad old dance movies stealthily resurfacing like an unregistered sexual predator moving into your neighborhood. Just use this as a guideline and try to learn from any other mistakes you make. Also, if you can think of any obvious moves I missed feel free to post them as comments.
Next post we actually get into good things to do while dancing.
Nerd Dating: What to talk about on your first date pt 4
I mentioned this before, but I think it warrants a little more in depth discussion. Something that can possibly come up on the first date is religion and politics. This is potentially a disaster. When I first mentioned it I said to avoid it unless you know your date agrees with you stay away, but upon reflection I have decided the best policy is to avoid it at all costs.
The thing is, most people are more or less afraid to discuss religion and politics (Ronald Reagan image courtesy of the political t shirt category) with relative strangers in fear if running into a fanatic for one side or the other. If you were to bring up the topic and declare your affiliation there is a very real chance she will agree with you in order to avoid a possible argument and/or scene, but inside she is cringing away and waiting for her escape call (more on the escape call later).
If, on the other hand, she brings either up there are a couple ways to deal with them. If, for example, she declares a religious belief that differs dramatically from your own (“Lately I’ve really been into Jashinism.”) the answer I usually come up with is something like “I’m more spiritual than anything else. I believe in a higher power but don’t ascribe to a specific religion.” This works brilliantly if she is herself not really committed to a specific church and considers herself spiritual, as like 90% of women seem to do (it also makes you seem deeper. Beats telling her your way of celebrating your spirituality is raiding ICC every Sunday). On the other hand, this will more or less bite you on the ass if she is a hard core fundamentalist, but really those girls are a massive pain to try to date (I think I will do a post later on about dating the god squad).
Politics is actually worse in it’s own way, since if you say you are are not committed to one side or the other you end up looking wishy washy. Really, your best bet is to hope that both you and she are typical of the area you met in and that you more or less agree. Honestly, wait until she brings it up. If she does odds are she is a crusader, which can work in your favor if you agree and hurt you if you don’t (or not. Women often find guys who disagree with them weirdly attractive. I don’t understand it myself, but have taken advantage of it). Again, however, avoid this topic until after you have seen her naked.
That’s it for now. Have a great day.
Nerd Dating: What to talk about on your first date pt 1
I am going to start a whole new section here. We have talked about what to avoid but now you are in the zone of actually coming up with something to talk about. This is a bit of a tough subject and I think it will end up going a few posts.
The best thing to talk about is her. Let her tell you about her life, her pets, her parents, what she studied in college, and which bead stores have the best selection of ceramics (I could only dream of a girl who was into beading, or for that matter anything at all. Most of the girls I meet seem to have no interests whatsoever). The problem is you can’t just space out while she blabs on. You actually have to pay attention. She is setting traps to catch you in on the next date when she says something like “Remember what I told you about my cat who got caught in the combine?” The correct response to an obvious trap like this is “You mean the one you called Tripod?” not “You had a cat?” Remembering and referencing details she has told you will help you score points on the later dates, and can also save you some pain if she is the type to tell you the same stories over and over again.
So encourage her to drone on. The big mistake here (and one that I still fall into all the time) is having her tell you something painfully boring but reminds you of something funny from your life that you feel compelled to tell her about. Next thing you know dinner is over and you have done nothing but tell her stories of your childhood or t-shirt selling website.
The next thing you need to do is look and act like you care about whatever she is talking about. Pay attention, look her in the eyes, ask insightful, provocative questions, and encourage her to give you details. This takes practice, but once you learn it you can kill an hour easy. (I don’t care t shirt courtesy of the novelty t shirt category)
Of course, it helps immensely if you are actually interested, not only for the date flow but also for the possibility of an actual relationship. My cousin reads this blog and she will beat me if I indicate there have been dates wherein I wasn’t really interested in the girl’s life story but feigned interest. I guess I am due for a beating.
Anyway, this is a good way to start off the date. Unfortunately it will not suffice. We’ll go into some other things to talk about on the next post.
Nerd Dating: Dating Etiquette Part 4-Gentlemanly Behavior
So you’ve managed to meet up with your date, either by picking her up or meeting her somewhere, without stepping on any dating landmines. How, then, to comport yourself while on your date?
I’ll take a second here to remind you that all the dressing and grooming rules I gave you when I first started this opus are still in full effect. Make sure you are showered, well dress, well groomed, and generally good smelling (<–important).
Anyway, I would recommend that you act like a gentleman. It is true there are independent women out there may find this offensive, but honestly those are in the minority (also, they tend to be a huge pain in the ass to date. Better to offend them politely then find out two months down the road) and the vast majority of women will appreciate it. In fact, if the last couple guys they dated were jerks you will only look that much better.
Here is a (short) list of gentlemanly behavior:
Gentlemen open doors for ladies-this specifically included car doors. In other words, walk to the passenger side of the car, unlock the door, and open it for her. While walking around open all doors for her. This can sometimes be a little awkward, especially if you aren’t used to it. Practice on your mom or something until you make it smooth.
Gentlemen walk on the outside of the street-again, try to not make it look like awkward. This tradition started back in the days of horse travel. The gentleman was attempting to protect her from splattered horse dung being splashed up from the street. By the way, while you should try to stay on the outside, if you see up ahead a crazy looking homeless man panhandling the gentleman will interpose himself between his date and the insane lunatic. This act will most likely gain you a lot of points with your girl.
Gentlemen do not put their hands in their pockets. Furthermore, if you need to guide her or attract her attention for whatever reason the gentleman will touch her gently on the shoulder, NO WHERE ELSE.
When entering a room or narrow corridor the gentleman allows the lady to proceed him slightly. If you are on a staircase the gentleman gives the lady the side closest to the wall.
These are kind of the basics. There are more detailed rules you can find here, but a lot of those will also make you look kind of old fashioned. You have to read your date and figure out at what point she stops being impressed and starts being annoyed. Error on the side of too gentlemanly rather than not enough.
Steam punk Abe Lincoln was most certainly a gentleman (image courtesy of the steam punk t shirt category).
Next post we’ll talk about talking.
