Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 2
So if you are still reading after yesterdays post I can assume you aren’t frightened by the idea of being outside and generating a sweat. Here are some more idea for good date stuff that involves something more active than flicking the TV remote.
Skiing or snowboarding – if you are fortunate enough to be close enough to ski resort to do a one day trip to the mountain (or, as we used to call it, a burrito run) this can be a great date. It’s outdoors in some beautiful scenery, you get to rest on the lift between runs, its cold which can motivate her to snuggle up, and getting hurt snowboarding or skiing can look pretty studly, as long as you don’t do it while trying to get off the ski lift. Also, unless she is an expert skier at some point halfway through the day she will probably jump at your suggestion to get some hot chocolate and sit in the lodge for a couple hours. Skiing is one of those things everyone has to claim to love, but after five or six runs the average person is happy to sit watching other people be cold while looking cool in their ski clothes.
By the way, this should be pretty obvious, but don’t suggest this unless you actually know how to ski or snowboard. Nothing will make you look like more of a eunuch like flailing down the bunny slope. You need to make sure you are both at about the same skill level or you are better than her (being her teacher for the day can really make you look good).
Those dumb paddle boats – yes, the are stupid. But did you ever wonder how they stay in business? It’s because they make for great dates. You are out on the water (all two feet of it, usually) by yourself with your girl and having fun. It will usually be relatively quiet, and there will be ducks, frogs, and other local fauna to distract her.
As a side benefit, your (hopefully) superior musculature and body weight will more or less mean you can keep your half of the boat moving while doing about 1/3 the work. If you feel at all guilty about that just remember that odds are sometime in the next couple months she will be asking you to move a couch or something. Also, don’t forget that “mauled by a mountain lion saving her” thing from my hiking entry.
Bowling – yes, unless you are on the PBA you will probably suck at this, but as goofy as it is, it is fun and entertaining. This is another activity that everyone claims to love to do, but once faced with the reality of actually doing it are willing to hang it up after about two games. Be sure to practice your moon walk while on the floor with the shoes.
Ice or roller skating – ironically, this is one activity where it is actually OK to be much worse than your date at. Flailing aimlessly around on the ice while she does triple axles is in a weird way endearing and cute. You will not lose any credibility with her even if you fall on your ass. There is a good chance she will even admire your courage and willingness to try something outside your box. On the other hand, if you are great at it you will burn a ton of calories and look cool. There is not a way to lose here, unless you get hurt (not as cool as getting hurt snowboarding).
That’s it for today. More tomorrow.
For our who would win question, the Punisher versus Fidel Castro, I am going a assume Frank Castle either got co-opted by the CIA or discovered Castro was involved in the drug trade somehow. On the one hand, the Punisher is an expert in all forms of mayhem, and with enough planning could probably make something happen. On the other hand, by all reports Castro has survived any number of CIA or NSA attempts on his life. I honestly don’t really know, but I am inclined to go with the Punisher just because I like him better. (Castro image courtesy of the political t shirt category)
For today let’s go historical inventors. Who would win, Ben Franklin versus Leonardo da Vinci?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 11: understanding poster’s careers
This is the last I am doing on this sub-category. I think I will try to get a movie review or something else tomorrow to break up the flow.
Guidance Councilor. Sorry, but if a chance to bag on these guys comes along, I can’t let it go by. I remember fondly taking an aptitude test from provided by the school councilor and being told I was best suited to be a farmer. Sorry, I don’t do dirt if I can avoid it. Also I am to much into instant gratification to wait a whole season for payment. Anyway, these people are like high school teachers in that they deal with smart assed teenagers on a daily basis. The difference is they have a lot less power than teachers over the kids in that they can’t actually fail them in anything. This tends to make them either total dicks or floor mats. Also every time some kid asks “If you know so much about career choices why are you a guidance councilor?” they want to kill themselves. I’d say spare yourself the pain.
Contractor. This is a job description guys who are construction workers use in order to convince you they are more than nail pushers. It is usually followed up by “Well, I’m working for another contractor friend of mine, but I have my own contractors license.” They always drive a freaking huge crew cab pickup truck (most often red). If you are into beer drinking, football watching, wife abusing hijinx than by all means date him. There are no straight female contractors. Incidentally, if you should happen to date one and then find out he is a roofer, run away as fast as you can. All roofers are insane. It must be the tar fumes and hot sun all day. Now that I have said that I had better hope I never have to rebuild something. Good thing I rent.
Blue collar worker. This can be almost anything, be it sanitation engineer, factory worker, bus driver, etc. For the most part good guys, in a boring salt of the earth sort of way. Usually they are grateful to even have someone attractive into them. Generally not the most stimulating intellectually, although occasionally you meet one who is a total conspiracy nut whacko, and they are endlessly entertaining.
Performer. This is kind of a broad descriptive for anyone who makes money (or claims to) by entertaining people. It could be a comedian, a street guitar performer, a childrens birthday clown, a chainsaw juggler, smoke bubble blower, or a blog writer. With a few exceptions the best way to describe these people is kind of pathetic. They typically make just enough money to survive but not enough to get ahead. They feel frustration at not be acknowledged as one of the worlds foremost one man band performers, and need a girl or boyfriend to come to all their lame shows in the 3rd Street Promenade or where ever and collect the spare change from the jug you just passed around. The decent ones have a day job at Kinkos or something. The bad ones live on their takings. (By the way, if you should happen to find yourself dating a mime, do me and the whole world a favor by stapling a note that says “Learn the words you creepy bastard” to his or her forehead and pushing them off a cliff so they can work on their silent flying man act. I sincerely doubt any sane jury would convict).
Band member. Ah, the Crown Jewel of Losers. These guys (usually. Some girls but I find them to be a little more real) dream of a rock-n-roll lifestyle while performing for the same 9 people as the 7:30pm opening act at the local scum pit. If you want to spend every Friday and Saturday night listening to the same eight badly written, badly engineered, and badly performed “songs” in a bar that smells of stale beer and urine than by all means date him. Just know that if he and his band catches even the slightest whiff of success he will drop you like a live grenade in order to sleep with as many groupies as humanly possible. Even crappy garage bands somehow manage to attract any number of (really) dumb girls willing to jump in the sack with them, so you can expect to be cheated on pretty regularly. As for female band member, I actually went out with one and found myself spending a lot of time assuaging her massive self esteem issues and scraping her off the barroom floor about once a week. However, as far as I know she didn’t cheat on me. These guys inevitably have “day jobs” that somehow turn into “day careers”. Do the human race a favor and don’t give them the opportunity to procreate.
That’s it for today, and pretty much it for the job thing. Tomorrow I will break away from dating for a post or two but when we come back to it I will get into understanding pictures people post, or the “You can judge a book by it’s cover” article.
Yesterday’s question, Lincoln versus Reagan, is quite the puzzler. Lincoln was taller, and actually fought a major war. Reagan was more athletic, and invaded Grenada. Technically he did win the Cold War, but that says nothing about his martial prowess. I think that I will have to bet on Lincoln, unless the rumors of Reagan being the anti-Christ (Ronald Wilson Reagan, 6-6-6) are true, in which case I think he would prevail. (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirt category)
For today I propose a battle between a great (if stupid human) warrior versus an lame superhero: who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Beef Supreme (from Idiocracy)
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 9: understanding poster’s careers
More careers. I think there is something going on here where I feel good about myself by making fun of all the boring and/or better jobs out there than I have. More fodder for my future therapist, I guess. Of course, I really love my job, but it would be nice to make the kind of money all the overpaid morons out there are making. I’m going to get into some more esoteric things today, as well as some weird sub categories.
Day Trader. This person really wants you to think he is like a successful stockbroker, but the truth is much uglier. It is (usually) a guy who is unemployed but had $6-10,000 in the bank when he was laid off or fired. He spends all day in front of his computer losing about $100 a day on average basically playing Farmville online with real money. All they are really doing is giving the brokerages money for each transaction. The bad part is they always have some story about how they were up $1.8 million at one point, but somehow are mysteriously back down to $7254 again. The good part is if you are not sucked in when you see that they live in their parents basement you should (<–hopefully) be able to tell what kind of loser they really are.
Life coach. I don’t know if you see these in other parts of the country, but somehow I seem to run into one of these every six months or so. These are motivational speakers and people who tell other losers how to get their life in order. I always picture them sitting with their client and saying something like “OK, try breathing.” I haven’t dated any, as I have a hard time taking them seriously, but they are a bit of a conundrum to me. I can’t figure out how they actually make money, but somehow they always have enough for a nice dinner out and a decent car, but never enough for a house. They tend to be pretty positive, so if you want someone who can make you feel better about yourself both by giving you positive affirmations and by being slightly more pathetic than you or any of your friends, go for it. On the other hand, it seems their constant advice giving would wear on you after a while.
Midwife. This is a weird sub category of the medical field. These women (if you meet a male midwife call the police) are either failed nurses or uber New Age chicks who think giving birth in agony with no drugs in a bathtub is good for the kid. They are rarely seen in public outside of the local organic food collective (aka Trader Joes) or Lillith Fair, so online dating is often a resource they fall on to. They are usually about as hippy dippy as you can get, don’t drink but are very cool with pot, and if they don’t have kids themselves are painfully bitter about it and driven to have one before they have to resort to actual medical science to be able to procreate. Also, they are chock full of advice for any parents around them, so if you happen to be a single parent you can expect an extra special level of hell.
Business Annalist. This is the male Republican version of the midwife (I am sure there are female business annalists out there, but have yet to meet one). Their job is to coach companies into giving birth to younger, better versions of themselves that now need to be diapered every day. They tend to be extremely opinionated about pretty much everything, and feel no one likes them because they spend all day telling people they suck at their jobs. There are two types, really. The first is the guy who uses words like “synergy” all the time and tries to make the company use new technology and processes to be more efficient. He is kind of a bastard. The second is the guy who uses words like “cost/benefit analysis” and “headcount” and basically is brought in to fire as many people as possible without causing the company to collapse under the weight of unoccupied cubicles. He tends to be a complete and utter bastard. Either way they can be tough to date and are also subject to feast-or-famine personal finances as a reflection of whether they currently have a contract or not.
Receptionist. Sorry, the PC terms are Executive Assistant or Administrative Assistant. However, as the title evolves the job and personality does not. These people typically are 
surrounded by dozens of people with way more money and power than they have and are usually pretty bitter about it. Males in this job can really only do it for a few years before either finding something better or killing themselves. They tend to be a little ego bruised and skittish, like an abused chiwawa. Women can do it for the entirety of their lives. If young they tend to be pretty hot and are (generally) hoping to marry someone with serious coin, so if you are not rolling in dough don’t waste your time. The real problem with this girl for nerds is it is terribly easy to fall into the trap of hanging out at her desk all day “flirting” with her. This will either get you into trouble at work with your supervisor or turn into you being her slave as she has you replace the water cooler bottle, get her coffee, and run stuff down to the mail room. If they are middle aged or older they tend to be bitter but shockingly efficient. They often revel in the minor power that comes with being the gatekeeper to the boss, and the reception area is their kingdom. As for dating them, if they are young and you qualify financially they tend to be a lot of fun and often have very pleasant voices. If not then they can be OK to date, but you can expect her boss to be her real boyfriend and you will hear a lot of stories about how everyone else in the company is an idiot.
That’s it for today. More of the same tomorrow. I have some really good ones lined up.
As for yesterdays question, Steampunk Abe Lincoln versus Steampunk Palin, there is no question in my mind that Lincoln would prevail. Not only does he have a built in mini gun but he actually had a brain. He successfully ran for President. He would also attack her with the North. (Steampunk Abe image courtesy of the political t shirts category)
The next question seems obvious until you think about it for a while; who would win in a fight between a ninja and a football team worth of zombies?
Nerd Dating: More Cheap Dates
By an overwhelming margin of one vote (thanks, Gina) I will forgo my review of the movie Skyline and do more cheap dating ideas. Today we will cover the extremely juvenile movie theater marathon.
(I Hate Theater shirt courtesy of the political t-shirt category. Thank god I finally found a reason to crowbar one of my personal favorites in)
This date will only work if have a good enough feeling about the girl and her sense of humor to believe she will think this is funny, so realistically it is more of a second or third date. It also works less well if you are over the age of about 32, so keep this in mind. However, for the mid-20’s girl with the right sense of humor it can go really well.
Here’s how you preface it. You start off talking about movies and what is current. Then you say something like “You know what would be totally fun and completely like high school? If we went to the movies and snuck from one theater to the next.” Play up the flashback to high school aspect and make it seem like you are into it for the fun of it. For the right girl ti will seem like a funny adventure, and for the wrong girl it will be a good way to weed her out as she never talks to you again.
If she agrees, you get to see 2-4 movies for the price of one and can also pretend like you are actually doing something wild and crazy. IF you have never done the multi-theater trick you have either led a much more or much less privileged life than I have up until now, so I will give you some tips.
First of all, you should know that the owners of the theater don’t really care if you do this. The fact is they make hardly anything off the ticket price, in spite of the massive cost. Almost all of the ticket price goes to the studios and the distributors. The theater makes its money on selling you overpriced popcorn and soda. Also, easily 90% of the minimum wage drones also would have a hard time giving less of a crap. However, there is always one tool who thinks he will be the next great security guard or wants to kiss the managers ass. This is the guy you need to watch out for. Ironically he is almost always the one who looks like a total nerd, so be prepared to be betrayed by you own kind.
Planning is critical. Look at the schedule and try your best to not have a ton of time between films. Back in the day the theaters would schedule things so that this was really hard to do, but the fact that theaters don’t really care has made it a lot easier. It is important that you not be seen hanging out in the lobby for a huge amount of time. Bring a jacket and try to alternate between wearing it and not while moving from theater to theater. You can keep the theater happy by buying something every once in a while, although that will take away from your stated purpose of not spending money. It would behoove you to spend a couple minutes before the first movie to plan out your route as well as the route to the restrooms. Above all try to not get noticed up to but not including the point of wearing a disguise. Also, have a backup plan if Theater Johnny Law catches you and gives you the heave ho (I sometimes wonder where this term comes from. I think it has something to do with getting seasick and you’ve eaten too much ho). Some witty comments prepared ahead of time could be used to make you self look good. Spend a lot of time laughing and joking about how you haven’t done this in years (in spite of perhaps doing it the week before) and have a backup plan in case you do get the boot.
Also, the chance of getting kicked increases over time, so given a choice try to see the best movies first. Also the odds of anyone, even you, having the energy for 4 full movies is pretty slim, so don’t be surprised if she suggests cutting out after the 2nd or 3rd. Therefore try to see the sci-fi flick first.
Nerd Dating: how to pay for stuff
This post is a little outside of the progressive chronology I have been trying to maintain, but it occurred to me today that I have not yet addressed the question of how to pay for stuff. This actually is kind of important and pretty situational.
First of all, make sure you have both cash and credit cards in your pocket. An assortment of $20’s and small bills is best, as you might need to tip someone for hailing a cab or something.
The most important thing about paying for stuff is you don’t want to look like a pain in the ass while doing it. That is why you should never try to use a weird credit card, such as Discover or Amex (yes, I love my Amex card. I just don’t try to buy dinner with it). Also, stay away from $50’s or $100’s. You will look like you are trying desperately to look cool like a poser, and there is a good chance the person you are trying to give it to might not have change. Also, 
everyone looks carefully at those bills and you don’t want to be called out for having a counterfeit bill.
Sorry , Ben (Franklin image from the political t shirt category).
The general guideline is as follows; for purchases over $10 credit card, under $10 cash. Only losers and homeless people pay for stuff with cash, so with a few exceptions try to use your card. Here are a few specific cases:
Credit card: dinner, tickets, gasoline, most material purchases.
Cash: tips, cab rides (regardless of amount), donations to street performers (to look like you are supporting the arts), condoms (ha ha ha good luck, but kudos if you need them. I guess that would mean the student has become the master)
Also, use a card that functions as an actual credit card rather than a debit card that requires your PIN. Again, you want to look smooth and entering your PIN makes you look like you are buying groceries.
That’s pretty much it. Remember that money is dirty and most women don’t want be involved in it (they mostly just want to be involved with what it can buy. Not that I’m bitter).
Oh, one more thing. Never count your change when paying cash. You will look like a tool, and the last thing you want to do is make a stink about being shorted $.25. For that matter, don’t argue about money ever with anyone. If you paid $10 for the valet on the way in and they want another $10 on the way out, just suck it up and move on without looking idiotic.
That’s it for today. I think I have some good stuff for tomorrows post, but need to think about it. Talk to you soon.
Nerd Dating: What to talk about on your first date pt 4
I mentioned this before, but I think it warrants a little more in depth discussion. Something that can possibly come up on the first date is religion and politics. This is potentially a disaster. When I first mentioned it I said to avoid it unless you know your date agrees with you stay away, but upon reflection I have decided the best policy is to avoid it at all costs.
The thing is, most people are more or less afraid to discuss religion and politics (Ronald Reagan image courtesy of the political t shirt category) with relative strangers in fear if running into a fanatic for one side or the other. If you were to bring up the topic and declare your affiliation there is a very real chance she will agree with you in order to avoid a possible argument and/or scene, but inside she is cringing away and waiting for her escape call (more on the escape call later).
If, on the other hand, she brings either up there are a couple ways to deal with them. If, for example, she declares a religious belief that differs dramatically from your own (“Lately I’ve really been into Jashinism.”) the answer I usually come up with is something like “I’m more spiritual than anything else. I believe in a higher power but don’t ascribe to a specific religion.” This works brilliantly if she is herself not really committed to a specific church and considers herself spiritual, as like 90% of women seem to do (it also makes you seem deeper. Beats telling her your way of celebrating your spirituality is raiding ICC every Sunday). On the other hand, this will more or less bite you on the ass if she is a hard core fundamentalist, but really those girls are a massive pain to try to date (I think I will do a post later on about dating the god squad).
Politics is actually worse in it’s own way, since if you say you are are not committed to one side or the other you end up looking wishy washy. Really, your best bet is to hope that both you and she are typical of the area you met in and that you more or less agree. Honestly, wait until she brings it up. If she does odds are she is a crusader, which can work in your favor if you agree and hurt you if you don’t (or not. Women often find guys who disagree with them weirdly attractive. I don’t understand it myself, but have taken advantage of it). Again, however, avoid this topic until after you have seen her naked.
That’s it for now. Have a great day.
