15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 6 of 15
10. Marla Singer from Fight Club
At first I was just going to go with Tyler Durden but when you think about it he’s kind of dangerous to hang around with. Sure he delivers amazing monologs but how long before he has you fighting Meatloaf or trying to blow up a Starbucks? Those sorts of things can get you killed, whereas just watching Marla function is a class of entertainment beyond the pale. She says outrageous things, is hot in that crazy slutty sort of way, and apparently will eventually get bored and sleep with anything with a pulse and Y chromosome (or so I like to think). You might be exacerbated by her (driving her to rehab, listening to her try to shock you and all your friends, having her pass out and die choking on her own vomit) but you will never, ever be bored by her. Plus if she goes really bugnuts crazy you can probably just lose her number and never worry about it again.
Also I imaging the actual sex must by amazing.
Why would she want to be friends with me? Well, in spite of my many dating problems and massive ego I am actually a really good friend for a girl to have. I am a great listener, am handy when it come time to move furniture or tote bales, and if things ever got creepy with any of her boyfriends have been known to intimidate the heck out of people. Obviously that would have no effect on Tyler Durden but anyone not in a fight club tends to avoid me when I have my game face on.
The Fight Club poster comes from the movie t shirt category. Very cool IMO.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 7 of 15
9. Lord Humungus from the Road Warrior.
There’s a lot to be said about Lord Humungus. He’s a natural leader, loyal and caring to his men in a co-dependent abusive sort of way, decisive, fit, a man of principle, and an eloquent public speaker. In many ways he is the father I wish I had had. At least I could have counted on him teaching me to drive instead of being cool with me riding the bus until I was 18. 
Normally I am put off by that much bare chested masculinity and BDSM garb but the iron mask did a lot to offset that. That is a commitment to a look. I can only imagine he would really be into cosplay. (image courtesy of the Iron Man t shirt category)
Why would Humungus want to be friends with me? Well, as an experienced war gamer I think I could have helped him come up with better battle plan to take the oil refinery then “Everyone drive in circles around the rubber tire wall and catch flamethrowers with your face. Once in a while have one guy on a motorcycle jump the wall”. Siege warfare is not a new science. Also I might have suggested a better trade deal with the oil people than walk away. What if they could keep their cars and gas but just leave the refinery? Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 8 of 15
8. The T100 Terminator from T2
This could possibly be the best friend I ever had if he were programmed to like me. Loyal, super strong, lethal, can drive or shoot anything, nearly indestructible, can see in the dark, and wears cool shades. Plus everyone needs one friend who can help fix your car. I honestly can’t even change my oil. Plus he was trying hard to be more human and gain a sense of humor which in it’s own way better then most humans trying to be more robot like and having no sense of humor. Also who knows what else he could do? Perhaps pick up a guitar and become the worlds greatest folk singer. I kind of see him owning a car repair shop and we hang out in the office watching YouTube clips.
Why would he want to be my friend? That’s the best part! I would have programmed him to like me before sending him back in time to save the human race. He would have no choice, which would go a long way towards alleviating my rampant abandonment issues. I sincerely wish more people were programmable (or at least more women).
Arnold image courtesy of the movie t shirt category.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 9 of 15
7. Gonzo the Great from the Muppets
I would love to be friends with Gonzo for the same reason I love watching Jackass: there is nothing funnier then watching friends of yours slightly injure themselves doing ridiculous things. I would be totally happy just hanging out at Gonzos place watching his home movies. Also Gonzo is a serious player, surrounded by mass numbers of hot chicks (haw!) at all times and I would hope to learn a thing or two from him. What is it about him that attracts the ladies? The wild man attitude? The creative mind? The willingness to risk his life for a laugh? The huge curved beak? What?
(Finest moment image courtesy of the funny t shirt category)
Why would Gonzo want to be my friend? Well, I have been known to do the occasional foolhardy and reckless stunts, and if nothing else would always be willing to hold the camera. I have my Red Cross first aid certificate (long story on that) and do not faint at the sight of blood (I cannot promise the same for compound fractures however). He and I have different taste in women (he goes for the short, rounder girls with white feathers and a cute beak and I go for humans) so we would not be competing on the field of love. I would totally support him in that whenever he suggested some wild stunt to Kermit I would call out from the back “That sounds awesome dude!”
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 10 of 15
6. Grandpa Munster
Admit it. You know without a doubt that Grandpa Munster would be a blast to hang out with. Herman too, but Herman is nothing without Grandpa. He is a dirty old man vampire who can whip up magic potions and has his own laboratory in the basement. Plus he’s always smiling and having people smiling around you is a great way to pick up your attitude. Hanging out with him would give me the chance to solve two great Munsters mysteries: where does he get that amazing hair cut and if he is Lily’s father why is he called Grandpa Munster? Shouldn’t he be Grandpa Dracula (Lily’s maiden name. Never try to out geek-fu me!).
Why would Grandpa want to be my friend? Honestly I don’t think he needs an excuse. He is so friendly and cheerful that I think he just likes everyone (or at least likes sucking out everyone’s blood, although that part was never really addressed in the Munsters). Plus with all the schemes and shenanigans he and Herman get into I’m sure another friend and/or alibi might come in handy.
Grandpa image from the horror movie t-shirt category.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 11 of 15
5. Scotty from Star Trek
I know what you are thinking. I am such a fan boy why would I not choose Kirk or Spock? Well, to be honest Spock is not exactly a barrel of laughs to hang out with and Kirk would score with every chick in the place human or otherwise leaving you walking morosely home alone. Also he seems to be kind of a mean drunk. Scotty, on the other hand, is a party even when he’s not drinking and when he has a few watch out! In short order we could be singing Irish ballads, making inept pick up attempts at hot green girls, and getting into barroom brawls with Klingons. Also never forget that at one point he was almost convicted of being a serial killer and if that isn’t the coolest story to tell chicks at a bar I don’t know what is.
Why would Scotty want to be my friend? Well, I am part Irish and have a deep appreciation of his accent. I’m not much of a drinker myself and would therefore give him the lions share of the Romulan ale. 
Plus while I don’t get drunk a lot I always have a lot of fun watching drunk people stumble along and fall on their face (Alcohol image comes from the funny t shirt category). In my defense I am also really good about making sure my drunk friends get home safe, so Scotty would definitely be in his bunk in one piece.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 12 of 15
4. Daryl Dixon from the Walking Dead
I’ll let you in on a little secret. I am a fan of white trash culture. Well, maybe not the music but I have any number of relatives who live in trailer parks and have eaten squirrel. It’s not something I broadcast but I do get along with all kinds of people if you know what I mean. I think Daryl would be very cool to hang out with, zombie apocalypse or no. He’s just got that good ole boy vibe that I dig. You can sum up why he is cool in one word: crossbow. He’s also tough as hell, something I truly respect.
Why would Daryl want to be my friend? Well, if this were a zombie apocalypse (fingers crossed) anyone with a pulse who is not trying to steal all your guns would be cool. If I were on the show I think I would be the guy who always sleeps in the car in case of a quick getaway and I would definitely stop for Daryl, Glenn, Maggie, Michonne, and Rick (sorry Carl. I hope there’s room in the next car. The rest of you post Gov adds can hoof it too).
Daryl image courtesy of the Walking Dead t shirt category.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 13 of 15
3. Jayne Cobb from Firefly
Does this one even need an explanation? What thinking nerd doesn’t want to be friends with Jayne? His is super cool, super fun, a hero in a town that produces mud, and has excellent taste in headgear. He says some of the best lines ever (“Pain is scary”) and has a very direct approach to problem solving that I wish more of my actual friends would adapt. Plus he is a family man and cares for his mother and sister. You can’t help but respect that.
Why would Jayne want to be my friend? Good question. He is not exactly the friendly type. I have the feeling earning Jayne’s friendship is a lot of work and can be dropped for the right amount of money. He is a mercenary through and through and I wouldn’t count on him doing anything for friendship. I think the best I could hope for would be a friendly acquaintance. In truth I would be happy with that.
This image is from one of my all time favorite Firefly tshirts. I think it is awesome and says everything you ever needed to know about Jayne.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 14 of 15
2. Bruce Wayne
Not Batman, but rather the billionaire party boy that hangs out with super models week long. What part of that doesn’t sound awesome? I wish I had some really, really rich friends. I have several who are well off but if I had one friend who had the capability of owning his own island that would be pretty cool. Of course, the fact that he’s secretly Batman means I would always be safe(er) with him around. Plus it would be hilarious if I showed up at a party at stately Wayne Manor wearing this Batman hoodie.
Why would Bruce Wayne want to be my friend? Well, when it comes to sucking up to rich people I think would have a talent. Also I’m always very respectful to help and I think I would get along really well with Alfred. Plus if Bruce were getting super tired from partying all the time and then fighting crime all night long and needed someone to take care of all the super models and ballerinas I think I could take some of that burden on for him. I’m just that much of a giver.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 15 of 15
1. Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China
Of all the guys on this list Jack Burton is the guy I most want to party with. He’s loud and boisterous but a lot of fun. Plus he gets drunk and makes outrageous bets that he loses so I could totally take his money. He has a super cool truck and most women find him incredibly annoying so you know you could pick up the aftermath in his wake. He tends to end up at oddball places and things and if you hang around long enough you might see spirits and magic.
Why would Jack Burton want to be my friend? First off I love doing weird bets so we could totally gamble on whether you can cut a bottle in half with a sword or not. I like truckers and big trucks. I like to think that we would just get along great.
Pork Chop Express image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category.
That’s my list. I’m sure there are a few I forgot so feel free to post comments or email me on it. Also if any of you happen to know that these fictional characters were based on real people and know where I can find them email me immediately. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
the Infamous Dave Inman @nerdkungfu
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