Everything I needed to know in life I learned by watching red shirts die.
So I spent all last week at the Star Trek Convention in Las Vegas and can highly recommend it as an experience. It was totally fun and cool with a lot of extremely nice fans and amazing costumes. While there I saw several variations on the t-shirt “Everything I Know in Life I Learned from Star Trek.” For the most part they are filled with noble thoughts like “Non Interference is the Prime Directive” and “Seek Out New Life and New Civilizations.” I appreciate the nobility of these sentiments and wish I could have picked them up as a child.
However, the issue here is that these concepts are really more the lessons my parents and teachers really would have hoped I could have learned from the show. They are the the 70’s equivalent of wishing your child would play peacefully with his or her stuffed animals and not use them as a club to bludgeon the child next to them with. This is not how we learn lessons, unfortunately. Not the lessons that are ingrained into our psyche. Those lessons are always learned from pain and stupidity, either experienced or observed.
What do I mean by that? The lessons most strongly remembered are the ones where you feel the need to put your hand in a fire and learn the hard way that that is a stupid thing. If a child has a natural inclination to lick power outlets and does so, assuming he survives that is a lesson he or she will never, ever forget (as an aside, I do recommend parents all baby proof their houses. If you have a more Darwinian approach to parenting (like my own parents did) I’m sure your surviving children will reach adulthood with some important life lessons imparted upon them).
Thus we come to Star Trek. Most of the episodes might have had an esoteric lesson on non interference and peaceful contact with aliens, but they were all pretty hard for me to grasp at age 7. What was easy for me to understand was the 1-6 horrible Red Shirt deaths in each episode (Ensign Riley image courtesy of the Television T Shirt category). What, then, are the hard core lessons ingrained into my very fiber from this show? Here are a few:
1. There is no kill setting strong enough for my phaser.
2. If you are ever told to guard a corridor/door/cell/alien/robot by yourself or with just another hapless minion immediately request backup. Never do anything by yourself.
3. While on guard duty of any kind keep your back against a wall and your eyes on the creature/doorway you are supposed to be guarding.
4. It is never too early on an away mission to “accidentally” sprain your ankle and be ordered to report to sick bay.
5. If you spot something unusual duck behind cover BEFORE yelling out your report (or using your communicator).
6. Never volunteer for anything.
7. Any normal seeming job given to you by your superiors while they stand around watching should be approached with extreme caution.
8. Any creature that can be completely and accurately described with a noun followed by the word “monster” should be considered extremely dangerous (lava monster, tar monster, sucker monster, etc.). Remember lesson number 1.
9. If an alien seems surprisingly confident when faced with your phaser, force field, or otherwise seemingly superior advantage take a few steps backward.
10. In a group never be the first or last man to do anything.
11. If an alien tells you to stand in a certain place a moderate distance from the rest of the group consider just punching him.
12. Try to never leave the ship.
13. If given orders that almost certainly lead to your horrible death remember that mutiny and fragging are always options. I think you will find the captain goes down to a phaser blast a lot faster than a blood sucking gas cloud.
14. If you get back from an away mission and you even have the sniffles immediately see a doctor.
15. If any of your friends are ever possessed by evil murdering aliens it might be necessary to beam them out into open space.
16. It might be worthwhile to keep a backup phaser in your boot.
17. If an alien looks like it can kill you, assume it not only can but seriously wants to. Remember lesson number 1.
18. If you are ever being chased by giant alien creatures remember you don’t really have to outrun them. Just the slowest other red shirt.
19. If you are ever ordered to collect some kind of sample remember that modest scientific advancement is not really worth your life. Find a nice rock wall to lean against and “lose” your collection equipment at the first opportunity.
20. If any creatures, human or otherwise, are acting strange, speaking slowly, and not really answering any of your questions do not let them come within reach of you. Also remember lesson 1.
I think you will find that these lessons, in addition to being more deeply ingrained than the noble ones espoused by the more enlightened Star Trek fans, will also have many more useful short and long term applications in your day to day life. I’m not saying to give up on the high value ones from the intellectual part of the show. Just that these may be much more useful on a personal basis.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twiiter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments or questions on this piece post them here. Off topic questions or suggestions for other articles can be emailed to [email protected]. I’ll watch something tonight and review it tomorrow morning. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles neither teenaged or mutants???
This is literally making me sick to my stomach. I felt the first queasiness when Michael Bay, bane of all movie franchises, announced he was going to do the next TMNT movie, but I saw him saying on a stage that he is planning on making them “funny, lovable aliens” rather than mutants and started vomiting all over my desk here. Why are there never any good snipers around when you really need one? Dave is going to flip when he gets back from Italy.
Then I heard that they are changing the title from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Ninja Turtles and I lost my lunch a second time. Middle aged ninja turtles?
Really, why is this even necessary? Aren’t the TMNT cool enough already? Do you really feel the need to make them somehow uncool? Also, aren’t ninjas an Earth thing, not alien thing? Why would aliens who possess the technology to travel from another galaxy want to fight with ninja weapons? Don’t the have ray guns or something? What the hell happened to Master Splinter?
Dave has always led the charge against Micheal Bay, and I have not been as hard core about it. Sure, Transformers has it’s issues but parts of it are entertaining. However, this move has franchise doom written all over it. Has Hollywood not learned anything from the Avengers and how much better you do if you stick with canon? Anyone else remember when the TMNTs were true ninjas and would kill people?
Anyway, this move sucks. The Dim Mak image I took from Dave’s cartoon t shirts. Cool if you are a true fan.
Jason
Stupid Cartoon Questions
Sorry no movie today. I spent all day at our new office/warehouse and am totally beat. However, while sorting and folding a huge pile of cartoon t shirts like our friend Marvin the Martian here a bunch of the questions that have been cluttering up my cerebral cortex regarding cartoons popped up. I thought I would post them here in case any of you have any kind of insight. Here are a few of the most poignant.
Road Runner-this question seems pretty obvious, but it is perplexing: if Wile E Coyote could afford to order all those thing from Acme, couldn’t he just as easily afford to order a pizza or something? Same thing with Sylvester and Tweetie. They seem to live in an urban enviroment. You mean to tell me there is not Church’s or Chick Fil A within a reasonable distance? You would think after the fourth or fifth frying pan to the face Sylvester would have gotten the message.
Duck Tales-Why does Scrooge McDuck keep all his money in a giant money bin as a target for the Beagle Boys? If he is smart enough to earn all that money why isn’t he smart enough to figure out how to put his money in a bank? Not only would it be safer (and earn interest), it would be federally insured and if the Beagle Boys tried to rob it that would be a Federal Offense. That is a level of pain beyond the pale. Sure, he would not be able to go swimming in his money, but given that 99% of his stress is related to getting robbed wouldn’t that be worth it? For that matter how the hell does he swim in all that money? I’ve never had enough coins and bills to fill even a bath tub, but I have a Sparklets jug half full of loose change and I can say that if I dove head first into it I would probably break my neck.
Speed Buggy-if Tinker is smart enough to make a dune buggy that can think, fall in love, and control itself, isn’t he smart enough to create one without a major speech impediment?
Scooby Doo-the list of questions I have on this show would fill a library (most of them having to do with what exactly is in those Scooby Snacks?) but the one that bugs me the most is why is it the gang always finds someone trying to scare everyone away with a ghost pirate costume in order to smuggle diamonds, and never guys smuggling drugs across the border who scare meddling kids off with bullets? Also, shouldn’t the gang be roped into weeks if not months of testimony at the trial of every crook they catch, not bouncing off to their next adventure? For that matter what the hell do they do for money? There always seems to be pizza money. There is a dark part of my soul that secretly hopes the gang is into the sex trade and the Mystery Machine is some kind of rolling pimp wagon.
Winnie the Pooh-yes, I am recycling this one from my movie review, but it is still bugging me. Where is Roo’s father? Is Kanga a widow, or is her husband a deadbeat? Maybe he was abusive and she escaped to the 100 Acres Woods to hide out from him. Also, of you are a kangaroo why would your mom name you Kanga and you then in turn name your son Roo? That’s like if my name was Hu and I named my son Man. Everyone else has a fairly normal name.
I think that’s enough Zen conundrums for one evening. Odds are I will return to this on another slow night, as I have a ton of these. If you have any answers feel free to message me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or post a comment here. If you have specific questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. I will be finally seeing Pirates tomorrow so look for a review on that later. Thanks for reading. Talk to you later.
Dave
How I Met Your Mother is turning out to be a great show
Last week at the recommendation of my best friend Dave I started watching How I Met Your Mother. I had avoided it prior to that for a number of reasons. First of all the title alone makes it sound like the brainless “family friendly” pap that gave us shows like Full House. The base concept-a guy telling his kids about meeting their mother-sounds annoying to say the least. Furthermore, I figured I had had my fill of young singles living and loving in New York after years of watching Friends, a show that alternated between brilliant and painfully annoying.
However, Dave has yet to steer me wrong so I started watching it. The first few episodes started off slow but after a while I realized that the show is awesome for exactly one reason: Barney. You see, Neil Patrick Harris plays a character named Barney who is a self centered, womanizing egomaniac and like most sociopaths you don’t have to deal with in your life is endlessly entertaining. He is very well written and of course Neil plays him brilliantly. I think he is great.
The rest of the cast is a lot more bland, although that just might be in comparison. The main guy I’d like to see get punched in the face more for being kind of a Ross style putz, and his love interest drives me crazy whenever she’s on screen. Jason Segal found a role that doesn’t suck, and his girlfriend is super cute.
There are good and bad episodes, as with any show, but overall I would say check it out if you haven’t. This Awesomed shirt from the TV Show T Shirt category makes a lot more sense once you have watched the show a little.
Sorry about the short post, but I have been working my butt off getting our new warehouse set up. Movie tonight, review tomorrow. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Lucky One Review
Count yourself lucky if your girlfriend doesn’t drag you to see this uber chick flick.
Somehow I feel weirder going to see movies like this by myself than I do seeing obvious kids movies such as Winnie the Pooh. It is a bit of a puzzlement for me. I think the reason really has to do with the fact that I can almost feel my testicles shriveling up during the course of the film, whereas with kids films I can feel some level of nostalgia easing me through.
So this is a chick flick in the truest sense of the term. Don’t be fooled by the Iraq war action that goes on at the beginning. It is brief and non graphic as possible. You know how action films will crowbar in some romance to make it at least somewhat palatable to the girls in the audience? The “action” here feels like a reversal of that concept in an attempt to get guys to not pass out during the film.
But is it a good chick flick or a bad one? Kind of? It is as cliche and formulaic as possible, with the only deviation from the typical bad story happening at the end when they opted to go for an even more cheesy and pat denouement. I think the best descriptive for this movie is grinding. It grinds it’s way through the plot and each cliche in turn like one of those industrial rock crushing conveyer belt machines, turning each large, weighty cliche into smaller and much more functional cliches in turn. Long, romantic interludes drag on until you want to watch a more interesting movie on your iPhone while watching this one, and the pacing consistently is reminiscent of waiting at the DMV to get your license renewed.
The other thing that is glaringly missing from this film is chemistry. Zac Efron is a pretty boy, and probably is the heart throb of any number of women out there, but to my perception if he was supposed to be delivering smouldering looks he should have checked to make sure someone had lit his pilot light first. In fact, none of the characters actually read like real people. They all seemed like caricatures of other, better developed characters: the sexy ex Marine who is in all ways is perfect (as described by women); the cartoonish small town sheriff/abusive ex husband; the single mom trying struggling to make it in the world; the precocious kid; 
the fat Southern politician (Dukes of Hazard style. Dukes of Hazard image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirts); the worldly wise grandmother. Each of them comes across so locked into their role that in spite of this movie being like 80% character development none of them seem to go anywhere.
Anyway, the movie. Zac Efron (all the High School Musicals plus epicly bad film New Years Eve) plays Logan, a Marine who while on a mission in Iraq finds a picture of a hot girl right before all his friends get blown up. This picture apparently keeps him safe (or something) and when he gets back he decides to try to find the girl. After dealing with some PTSD issues (that are never mentioned again) he decides to find her. She is in Louisiana and the best way for him to get there is to walk from Colorado (seriously, to any women readers out there are you not in the least offended by the blatant pandering that this movie is doing for you?) with his dog Zues (Zues and Logan? Come on. These names put my old friend Studly McSuperpenis to shame). The girl Beth (Taylor Schilling-Dark Matter, Atlas Shrugged Part I (ha ha ha ha ha), Mercy) lives there with her mother and son. Her brother died in Iraq. He arrives at her family owned dog hotel where he opts to not tell her about the picture because…actually there is no reason other than the need to later create plot drama. Seriously, I really doubt she would have had an issue with him returning a lost heirloom of her brother (that’s who’s picture it was) and it might have actually endeared him to her more.
Instead, he makes the stalker move of taking a job at the dog hotel. She runs it with the her mother (Blythe Danner-Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers, Howl’s Moving Castle) and her eight year old son Ben (Riley Thomas Steward-the Beaver, Straight A’s, A Christmas Wedding Tail) who is some kind of chess prodigy. At first she is standoffish because…well I guess the movie directors must have needed more conflict than the whole “not tell about the picture” thing. In time she naturally does what all women most do around Zac Effron looking guys (God I hate them all) and falls in love. Meanwhile her ex husband Keith (Jay R. Ferguson-Mad Men, the Killer Inside Me, Campfire Tales) rips off every bad Southern small town sheriff stereotype as an experiment to see if people would love Roscoe P Coltrane if instead of being a bumbling goof he were an abusive jerk (with his father the town judge being Boss Hogg).
I’d like to say stuff ensues, but really not a lot does and what does happen progresses about as predictable as the tides. I won’t ruin the ending completely but will say that true love triumphs as always (at least when you look like Zac Effon. Rot in Hell).
The stars. I will give credit for this film doing what it set out to do. It was built to be a chick flick, and if you are a chick who doesn’t want to think too hard while feeling good this film we succeed in all regards. Two stars. There are a lot of really cool dogs in the movie, especially Logan’s German Sheppard. One star. Taylor Schilling is not super hot, but manages to come across as kind of a natural beauty that worked for me. Also, of all the characters hers was the least unbelievable. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Most of the characters were so over the top that they felt like those giant inflatable balloons they make for Snoopy and Spider Man at the Macy’s Day Parade. Two black holes. Hamhanded attempts at creating conflict out of nothing in order to keep the audience from falling asleep. One black hole. Sluggish pacing. One black hole. An ending at complete odds with the entire rest of the film as well as coming from deep within the writers ass. One black hole. Blatant use of the weather to deliver an emotional point. Happy times? Sunny. Conflict and bad times? Rainy. One black hole. The situation Beth was in with her ex husband felt really fake and archaic. Was this film supposed to be set in the 50’s? One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
A grand total of three black holes. Should you go see this one? If you have any testosterone and self respect at all than hell no. Date movie? Hell yes. This film was created to be the perfect date movie. If she isn’t in the mood to sleep with you (or Zac Effron) by the end of this show you should find a way to discretely check to see that she wasn’t born a man, or perhaps some kind of doppelganger alien. If she has a brain and any kind of film knowledge or taste than she will be offended by the rampant use of romance cliches, but they are cliches because they work.
Thanks for reading. Looks like all chick flicks this weekend. I guess I will suck it up and go see Think Like a Man tomorrow, although I like to believe I already know how (maybe I’m fooling myself). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post any comments about this movie or my review here. If you have a specific question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Titanic 3D review
SPOILER ALERT: the boat sinks.
So I did see this last night and yes, the girl I saw it with teared up. Fortunately I had just recharged my robot batteries and managed to escape without being too affected by it. (If you want to see me cry like a baby show me the last 10 minutes of the Wrath of Khan. Spock’s death scene hits me like nothing else. TWOK image courtesy of the Star Trek T-Shirt category)
I have long avoided seeing Titanic for a laundry list of reasons. At the time I didn’t know James Cameron from Adam and had no idea what a talented film maker he was. Also I had issues with Hollywood pretty boys like Leonardo Di Caprio and did not want to support them. Finally, I had a problem with Hollywood using the tragic death of 1500 people to sell a love story.
Time makes fools of us all, however. Avatar made me a James Cameron fan. Granted he doesn’t make the greatest stories, but he makes incredibly effective films that tug at your heartstrings. Watching him in Inception has made me a fan of Leonardo, and I have since watched and enjoyed him in films like Shutter Island and J Edgar. And finally seeing Hollywood take the great tragedy of my time, 911, and turn it into a cheesy story in Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close had more or less hardened me to the exploitation of tragic events that happened decades before I was born.
I am not going to go into the story. If you are like me and haven’t seen it yet I’m sure the story of love found and lost (as told by Shakespeare) has filtered into your subconscious. Either that or you live in a cave somewhere. Nor am I going to do a formal review as it would be a pointless waste of time. The movie is nigh flawless, and except for a couple issues with some forced dialog I really couldn’t find any black holes that would not be total nit picking. The story was seamless, the acting superb, and all the characters believable and cool. I am especially a fan of Billy Zane (see him in Demonknight if you have not). The chemistry between Leonardo and Kate Winslet is very real and makes for a great love story, while the tragic ending is like a punch in the stomach that somehow feels good. Plus we get to see Kate Winslet topless.
I will say that unless the original film was a Hanna Barbara cartoon the 3D did absolutely, 100% nothing. If I hadn’t gotten up to use the restroom I would have totally forgotten about the bad fashion decision on my face. 3D sucks, and post production 3D (15 years post production) sucks even more.
I couldn’t even come up with some funny questions like I did with Harry Potter. I do have some but most of them make sense. Like, for example, in the unlikely event I were ever to set foot on another ship (watching this movie has cured me of that desire for life) and there were not enough light boats, I think I would have grabbed a fire axe and cut enough deck material to make some kind of floatation device. Kate ended up an a big piece of wood. Also, why were crew members given seats on the boats in order to row when there were any number of able bodied male passengers who might have done it?
Actually I do have one funny question. It is navel tradition that the captain of a ship be the last man off and should go down with the ship. If you were given captaincy of a ship you would know that. Why then would you be OK with being on a ship that did not have enough seats for everyone? If you have 2,800 passengers and enough lifeboat seats for 2,799 people guess who gets the short end? Of course, this movie is a study in the error of hubris. This is why no ship since has been called “unsinkable” and why I don’t use phrases like “safe”, “that should work”, or “a good idea”.
Anyway, I did enjoy this movie, and if you are a stick in the mud like I was for years I suggest you get over it. However, the 3D is more or less worthless so I think it OK to see it on a larger TV. On the other hand a lot of the shots were pretty impressive so maybe it’s worth the headache (literally).
Thanks for reading. Not a lot out right now that I want to go see, but I will find something to write about tomorrow morning. If you have a comment about this review feel free to post it here, or follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. You can email me with specific questions or suggestions at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Raid Redemption Review
Ever wonder what a rated R action movie is supposed to look like? Now you can find out.
Wow. That pretty much sums up this movie in a word. Easily the best action movie I have seen in years, possibly decades. On par with Die Hard, First Blood, Lethal Weapon, or any other top action movie (even the Road Warrior, and if you know me you know that is saying a lot). This film takes the crime action and martial arts genres and melds them seamlessly with great characters and some of the most amazing action camera work ever.
Let me talk a little about the camera in this film. Most action films plant the camera at mid range and then use dumb quick cuts to generate action. If they want to make the audience feel like they are in the scene they don’t use a steady cam and let the Blair Witch effect take over. However, as jumbled up as you may be in a fight scene your eyes don’t really jitter around like that. What this movie does is incorporates the camera into the fight choreography, dodging in an out, panning with the fighters, diving in, and placing you in the action better than anything else I have ever seen. The last time I felt that close to a fight I was one of the ones fighting. Truly great.
The martial arts is also great. The film is Indonesian (with my new favorite director Gareth Evans. Sorry Scorsese. He has also done Footsteps and Merantau, both of which I am going to track down) and most of the stars are experts in Pencak Silat. There are no dumb wire fight scenes. All the fighting seems really cool and brutally realistic. Even the gun action is great.
The story is of young Rama (Iko Uwais-Merentau is his only other film credit), a new officer leaving his pregnant wife after a short training montage to join his team of elite cops. They are raiding crime lord Tama (Ray Sahetapy-Dilema, Demi Dewl, Jinx), a brutal man who rules his 30 story slum tenement filled with the scum of the earth with an iron hand. He has two main henchmen: amazing martial artist Mad Dog (Yayan Ruhian-Merentau. He and Iko did the fight choreography) who lives only to fight, and brain man Andi (Doni Alamsyah-Fiksi, Merentau, Hearts of Freedom), and an army of thugs and psychopaths. The cops stealth into the building, taking out spotters and guards as they progress, but are spotted. Tama wakes up the whole building and all hell breaks loose.
After the initial gun fight sequence (started off in the dark in the coolest way possible) this movie shifts gears smoothly from action to survival/horror. Granted, none of the bad guys are zombies (that we know of) but a lot of really cool horror elements are incorporated, like good guys hiding around the corners while the bad guys are tapping their machetes along the wall looking for them. The survivors of the first big fight split up. 
Rama is trying to save the life of his injured friend Bowo (Tegar Satrya-Negeri 5 Menara) while his Sergent Jaka (Joe Taslim-Rasa, Karma) head in a different direction with Lt. Wahyu (Pierre Gruno-True Love, London Virginia, Ekspedisi madewa) and another red shirt (Dead Man Walking image courtesy of the Star Trek T-Shirt category).
This is where the martial arts action really unfolds. Rama kicks and punches his way through a corridor of bad guys (and to anyone who thinks there was too much of the fighting, or that some of the fight scenes went on too long, it is obvious you have never really developed an appreciation for martial arts movies. Perhaps you should go see the Lorax). Some cool plot twists develop, although if you are here for an amazing story I think you walked into the wrong theater.
The stars. Amazing action. Three stars. Really great camera work. Three stars. Fight choreography that is second to none. Two stars. For the most part really good characters, especially the villains. One star. Overall a wonderful film experience. Three stars. Total: twelve stars.
The black holes. I hate giving any, as I loved this movie on almost all levels, but have to be honest. The story was pretty simple and even the plot twists no big deal. One black hole. Some of the dialog felt forced and artificial, especially the cussing. This film was written in English and translated for the actors to speak in Indonesian. It felt culturally out of place. One black hole. I could give a third for some cheesy CGI blood, but honestly it was hardly noticeable. Two black holes.
A grand total of 10 stars, one of the best scores I have given in a long time. Should you see it? Abso-freaking-lutely. You will have to look hard for it since American theaters won’t show anything that doesn’t have Brad Pitt or the like in it, but it will be worth the search. See it in a theater to encourage other good movies to be made and released here. Date movie? Hell no, but drag her ass to see it anyway. If she puts up with it you know she’s a keeper, and who knows? You might awaken a sleeping love of martial arts movies in her and you next date could be a Bruce Lee marathon. Even if she dumps you at least you have exposed her to a great film, thus incrementally increasing the culture level of this country.
The one thing that drives me nuts about this film is not the movie itself but rather that it painfully illustrates how lame the vast majority of Hollywood action extravaganzas are. Action isn’t about how many explosions you can fit into ten minutes of film or who has the biggest CGI budget. It’s about the action. This film is like the svelte, athletic person entering a room full of fat people. All of a sudden everyone in the room just looks fatter. They are already working on an American remake and I would bet a large sum of money that it will not be half as good.
Thanks for reading. Go see this movie. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or email me with suggestions or questions at [email protected]. If you have a comment about this film feel free to post it here. Something came out recently called Intruders with no fanfare that looks creepy as hell. I might go see it tonight. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Friends With Kids Review
It’s nice to see a movie celebrating all the worst life decisions a couple can make.
So I was feeling kind of melancholy last night when my router crashed, cutting off most of my available media and leaving me with not a lot to do. I could have worked on my commercial site, but was kind of done. This might have been a good chance to hang out with a girlfriend or something, but as I have stated ad nauseum I am miserably and soul crushingly single. So what will help with all these? Probably not a rom com (in fact, in retrospect I can state that watching a rom com by yourself in a huge theater when you are desperately lonely is possibly the worst solution available. It’s like treating heartburn with acid in hopes of burning out the nerve endings in your digestive tract. Somehow I see the Unibomber starting out like this) but that was pretty much all I had to work with (plus a free movie ticket) so I went for it.
Like most R rated comedies these days it was neither bad nor good. It cruised the middle lane of the mediocrity highway steadily for 105 minutes, then in the last two minutes ripped off the ending from When Harry Met Sally and called it a day.
Honestly it watched more like a documentary for relationship counselors than a film. Most modern films follow a three act plot process. Act 1 introduces the characters and possible problems they will have to deal with. Act 2 has the characters develop while looking for the tools to fix the problems. Act 3 resolves the problem (usually with some dramatic flourish) and delivers the characters into their new state of being.
Friends with Kids instead skips the first act, jumps right into the characters as fully developed persons, and more or less putts along at lukewarm until the end, when suddenly a single dramatic scene resolves everything forever. If drama were a bar graph this movie would be steadily at about a 3 for the entirety, with a minor spike to 5 during one dinner party and suddenly shoot up to 8 at the end.
The documentary nature of the film made a lot more sense once I learned that the film was written and directed by the star, Jennifer Westfeldt. She displays a level of self esteem issues no director not emotionally involved with the story would allow. I revise my earlier statement. This film is less like a documentary and more like a movie production of Jennifer Westfeldts personal journal.
All that being said, the film itself, like most documentaries and journals, was refreshingly honest and real. While the two main characters make a fairly long series of bad decisions they do so in a manner that anyone who has ever watched the old 
Jerry Springer show would totally understand (Jerry Springer image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirts). All the characters with two notable exceptions seemed very real and extremely well developed. Dialog was brisk and sharp, and the script overall felt very current, if you know what I mean. I was also glad to see the return of comedic team Kristin Wiig and Maya Rudolph, and was pleasantly surprised to see they could both hold up a non-comedic role admirably.
The story itself feels kind of inane. Julie Keller (Jennifer Westfeldt-Kissing Jessica Stein, Keep Your Distance, Notes from the Underbelly) and Jason Fryman (Adam Scott-the Aviator, Step Brothers, Knocked Up) are both Manhattan yuppies who have a circle of friends that is steadily being siphoned away by the obligations of kids and family. She works for some kind of non profit and is super cute with massive self esteem issues and he is a sleazy womanizer who works in advertizing. Through a seriously convoluted logical train they both decide what they need to meet “the one” is to have a kid out of wedlock. The thought is as best friends with no sexual interest in each other they wouldn’t be buried in the mire it seems their friends keep getting trapped in. If this sounds like an offensively bad idea wait until you hear how much thought they put into the child’s mental well being, which is none.
Anyway, after one of the most awkward sex scenes ever they have a super cute boy, and settle into their single parent lives. Things seem to be nigh perfect. Jason run into and dates Mary Jane (Megan Fox-Transformes, Jennifer Body, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People) who couldn’t have felt more forced into the movie if she had been a pickup truck driving through the plate glass window of a Chick-fil-A. Julie starts dating Kurt (Edward Burns-Saving Private Ryan, She’s the One, the Brothers McMullen-is it me or does he seem like he’s constantly staring out a porthole or something?), who is also super amazing and kind of fake seeming. The fact that in a film filled with well developed and real characters these two seemed kind of fake (and even more fake in comparison) kind of implies that this was a conscious decision on the part of Westfeldt to make them seem like super boyfriend/girlfriend robots, thus making the two main characters seem even more human. I certainly hope so. Otherwise it was just a bad casting decision, although I could spend 107 minutes just looking at a picture of Megan Fox (yes, I am one of those guys. Don’t hate me for having testosterone).
Things sort of come to a head at a big ski trip where on of their drunken friends Joe Hamm (Sucker Punch, Mad Men, the Town) starts asking some pointed questions that should have come up before the whole thing starts like what are you going to tell the kid, etc. Things melt down between him and his wife (Kristin Wiig-Bridesmaids, SNL) while Julie realizes she has immense feelings for Jason. At that point things come to a simmer (in a more exciting movie I might have said come to a boil, but the passion in this film at no point exceeds about a 4). Emotional drama ensues.
The stars. Excellent characters with progressive development for all of them except Mary Jane and Kurt. One star. Well acted all around. Two stars. Really decent dialog. One star. Any film where I can watch Megan Fox is a plus, and while I don’t usually go for blonds I thought Jennifer Westfeldt was super hot too. She has some amazing hair. One star. There were some funny moments I found myself laughing at. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. At no point in the film did I feel like the plot pulse quicken. The entire thing was like watching slightly hardened Elmers glue pour down a slide. One black hole. The other thing about Elmers glue on a slide is you can pretty easily predict where it is going, and that analogy holds up for the plot direction too. Really predictable. One black hole. While I felt the characters and decisions were real, the situation they were thrusting themselves into was ridiculous and really badly thought out. One black hole. Yet another rated R movie with no nudity worth mentioning. Also, when did rated R in a comedy turn into feces covered baby taint? Seems to be a lot of that going around lately. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of two stars. Meh. Nothing worth rushing out to see, yet nothing preventing you from seeing it if you need to get out of the house or are hiding from someone. Overall innocuous. Nothing on the screen says see it big, so feel free to wait for video. As for my new policy of trying to identify the best place to cut out for a bathroom break, honestly anywhere in this film would work. The bland pacing and predictable nature of the plot means you should be able to infer anything you might have missed. If I had to pick a point I think you could safely miss out on the date/love scene between Julie and Kurt, which starts with them meeting at some school function and drinking punch out of plastic cups. It seemed especially worthless. Date movie? Maybe if you just started dating her. If you are in a long term relationship this might get you started on a conversation regarding kids you should be prepared to have, so only see it if you want to tread down that path.
Thanks for reading. I am going to watch that indie film tonight and review it tonight (for the record it’s called the Arriviste). Feel free to post comments here, and please follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. For specific questions or suggestions email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
A new Blade Runner movie? Really?
So apparently Ridley Scott is working on a new Blade Runner movie. I can probably say that this is another franchise that doesn’t need a sequell, prequel, remake, or reboot. Really, once they came out with the directors cut you pretty much had a perfect movie all in one two hour segment. Would you really ask Da Vinci to go back and repaint the Last Supper, only this time put clown noses on all the figures? This is pretty much the same concept.
Replicant image from the sci fi t shirts.
The funniest thing about this story is the serious doubt as to whether Harrison Ford is considering doing it or not. There are stories going in both directions. The most recent ones seem to indicate he will not touch it, which I think is the best move. He looked so young and vibrant in Blade Runner. He has no need to look like an old man like he did in the recent Indiana Jones. Besides, there is no way the new script could end up being anything but suck.
Ridley Scott, do your fans a favor and don’t fall for the huge pile of money the studio must be offering you. Prove to the world that you are a better man that George Lucas. Don’t do this movie.
Jason
One for the Money Review
A bad night at the movies, or a mediocre night at home watching a TV pilot.
Yes, I saw this. I will say that this story appeals to a very specific audience, and that audience seems to be middle aged women who like to see men in pain. I was one of four guys in a half full theater and clearly the only one who hadn’t been dragged along by a significant other. One of the major problems this film suffers from is that if you had shown it to me on DVD I would have said it was a TV pilot that failed to go anywhere. I kept waiting for commercial breaks.
My predictions for this movie did not come 100% true. She did have feelings for her ex, but they did not do anything to prevent her from doing her job. She did outdo a more experienced bounty hunter, but only in the most superficial way. My last prediction did indeed come true, although instead of kicking a guy in the nuts it was shooting him in the chest.
I said one of the major problems with this film is the fact that it felt like a TV show, but there are many others. Another huge problem is the fact that the plot runs like a Ruth Goldberg machine that keeps breaking down. You know, the woodpecker breaks the wood pin that causes the iron tied to a string to release, turning the cog that pulls the trigger on the pistol, starting the bowling ball to roll along the tracks eventually turning on the washing machine etc etc? Except in this case none of the separate devices connect properly and you can see the director and the producers (including star Katherine Heigl. More on that later) running around putting the bowling ball back on the track, replacing the woodpecker when it dies, and using the pistol to shoot their agent for getting them involved in this dog. The plot (for lack of a better term) advances only through the most random happenstance and farcical connections.
Another problem this movie suffers from is the incredibly bland supporting characters and the avalanche of otherwise interesting minor characters who vanish off the screen after a couple scenes. Katherine Heigl is the Executive Producer of this thing and it really feels like she is dealing with a massive insecurity issue. In other words, she won’t put anyone on the screen who may overshadow her. Everyone else in the film is a relative nobody. Also, there is not a single scene except for a couple out of focus flashbacks that don’t feature her. The most interesting characters are all the minor ones to literally don’t last past the two minute mark. Her competing bounty hunter gets killed within one minute of meeting her. A goofy Asian pot head with a dragon tattoo on his forehead gets killed in the scene after we meet him. Her best friend only appears on screen in phone calls and then vanishes into the ether, along with the mother and daughter of the hooker she is trying to help. Even the main bad guy has one lousy scene with her and then kind of waits in the wings to do anything.
The last problem, although not as major as the first three, is the stupid voice over monologue. I know this is a movie adapted from a book, but honestly books have expository monologues because they are made of words. Movies are made of pictures and sounds and as such can convey events and feelings without telling us what is going on in the dumbest manner possible. The only genre where the expository voice over works is in noir detective stories. This movie is not noir. 
Look at Bladerunner. The voice over monologue was forced into the film by the studio, and in the end when they came out with the directors cut it was entirely deleted, making for a much better film (Replicant image courtesy of the Science Fiction T Shirt category).
Anyway, the story. Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy, Knocked Up, Life as we Know It) plays Stephanie Plum, an ex lingerie salesperson who is desperate for some kind of income. She has dinner with her family, the New Jersey Stereotypes, and gets told that her cousin Vinnie (no joke. Her New Jersey cousin is named Vinnie. My Cousin Vinnie? By the way, he is played by Patrick Fischler-Twister, Old School, Speed, Mulhulland Drive), who owns a bail bond shop, has a job. She ends up, with no training, experience, or equipment, a bounty hunter and is hot on the case of the guy who took her virginity (a fact that we are repeatedly and painfully reminded of over and over again) back in high school, Joe Morelli (Resident Evil Extinction, Life on Mars, Terra Nova). He is a cop who has been accused of shooting a drug dealer or something. By the time we get to what actually happened all the Ruth Goldberg devices had so cluttered up the screen that I couldn’t really tell what was going on. Anyway, she embarks on a wacky adventure to all the worst parts of town and doesn’t seem to get killed. She meets up with another bounty hunter named Ranger (Daniel Sunjata-All My Children, Rescue Me, the Devil Wears Prada) who buys her a gun (in complete disregard for cooling off periods and/or concealed weapon laws) and shows up to back her up occasionally. She meets the very scary and intense villain (Gavin-Keith Umeh-Law and Order SVU, Unforgettable, White Collar) but I guess he was too cool to actually show as he spent most of the movie not on screen. Probably it was felt he would overpower Heigl’s performance. A car gets blown up. Oddball plot twists that add nothing and don’t make a lot of sense crop up. The pilot (I mean movie) ends and retreats to the failed idea shelf.
The stars. I don’t know. There were a couple of entertaining scenes, I guess. One star. I would normally give a star for some interesting minor characters, but they all vanished like free finger food at an open mike poetry reading. Katherine Heigl is definitely easy on the eyes, and seems to have cornered the market on skin tight jeans (and giant purses). One star. She does a partially nude scene that is pretty good, but since she is only half naked I can only give her half a star. Total: Two and a half stars.
The black holes. Disjointed Ruth Goldbergian plot. Two black holes. Making me pay for what in reality should have been a free pilot episode. One black hole. Bland, boring support characters. One black hole. The voice over monolog that made me want to run screaming into the night. One black hole. In addition to being a big, disjointed mess, the end of the movie was at the same time labyrinthine and pat. Basically you couldn’t have wrapped up the story neater if the main character had actually been a producer of the film (oh, wait…). One black hole. A complete disregard of all forms of gun laws. One black hole. Loading the plot with extra characters and then erasing them to make more room for Katherine Heigl. One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
So a grand total of five and a half black holes. Not a great score. I don’t really have anything against Katherine Heigl. I think she has talent and is super hot. I enjoyed her as the stuck up prissy girl in Knocked Up. If she could find the right role I would be happy to give her a good review. This one isn’t it. Worth seeing? Not really. There is nothing in this movie that makes it worth spending your hard earned dollars. It really does feel like you are watching TV. Date movie? Actually yes. This might work as a date movie to a certain extent. You will sit there fuming about having to spend money and 106 minutes of your life on it, but as long as your date doesn’t have to pay for it she might well enjoy it. The chemistry on screen is tepid at best, but could put her in the right mood, if you know what I mean.
Man on a Ledge later today, so look for that review tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I have some thoughts on the Academy nominations and might blog some about them later this week. Talk to you soon.
Dave
