Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 13: interpreting photos
They say a picture is worth 1000 words, but if you are clever, it can actually be worth 1001-1010 as you glean little insights into the personality, sense of humor, fitness, motivations, and general suitableness of your prospective procreation partner.
Picture with a cat (or cats). If this is a guy, either he thinks this is really clever and funny or is something that rhymes with “Tin the Bloset”. If the first he could be a great guy to date, but you will never ever know for sure which of the two he really is. If this is a girl first of all go back and reread my “More than two cats” rule for dating women. If she is shown with only one or two cats then you can explore further, but know that she has probably made her cats her substitute children in a way that will absolutely drive you nuts at some point.
Picture from high school. Unless this person is actually 18 years old, steer clear. Either they have hit the wall so hard that they have broken through (with their face) into new, unexplored territories of ugliness and this is the last time they took a good photo, or they were one of those super popular kids in high school who now feels a desperate desire to go back in time to when they were cool again. If they only included the high school pic in addition to some more recent ones then it is probably is the latter case, but even then you will soon become thoroughly sick of stories that all start with “This one time in high school…” Take it from me (the bitter troll that I am), if you took the total sum of all your accomplishments, parties, and popularity you had in high school it has the value of a wad of used chewing gum at the bottom of an empty grande latte cup from Starbucks the day after you graduate. Move on.
Girl in group shot with other girls cheek to cheek. This inevitably means sorority girl (or the junior college or GED equivalent). It also generally means she likes to party and wont have a real problem sleeping with you. If she does love to party go back and look at the guideline I did for “Love to Party.” Otherwise, as long as you aren’t a hard core GDI you should be able to date her and have fun, although I would not be surprised if she turned out to be a little shallow.
Guy in group shot doing the “hang loose” symbol with one hand, beer in the other, and his tongue out trying to touch his chin. Frat boy. I don’t know why it is, but every frat boy I have even known has a biological imperative to turn profile, do the hang loose (thumb and pinky extended to the max), and stick out his tongue whenever they are in a group and someone points a camera at them. They all have hundreds of these photos and love to post them on profiles in an attempt to show you what kind of a fun party guy they are. If fun for you is watching him get hammered every night at the sports bar down the street with his Greek friends, than by all means go for it. Also, most of these guys have a hat on backwards. Not sure I understand the motivation there.
Girl in group shot where she is the hottest one. This girl is kind of a user and also has some self esteem issues. She will most likely only be friends with women she thinks are less attractive. All things are relative, but usually they are pretty hot and extremely well groomed. They also tend to be pretty shallow and a little overbearing. Odds are she is looking for a guy to hold her purse while she shops, so if you feel like you have an overabundance of machismo go for it.
Girl in group shot where she is obviously NOT the hottest one. This can be two different kinds of women. Either she is a fairly cool girl who is OK with her appearance or she is a walking, talking doormat. The first one can be very cool to date as they are interesting and opinionated. However, they also tend to do stuff like get sick of washing their hair and cut it all off with clippers. The second girl as been thrown on so many grenades by her girlfriends that she will probably be remarkably easy to date. However, you will constantly be attracted to her friends and there is a reasonably good chance one of them might fool around with you just to reassert who the Alpha female is in her circle of friends is, so dating her can lead to some serious drama in spite of the fact that she herself is low drama. Both of these girls are pretty low maintenance, in my experience.
Guy in a football uniform. This is always a high school shot (guys who played football in college generally don’t have to go online to date) so all the things I said above about high school photos apply. However, this is a special case. This guy desperately wants the world to remember that at one point he was an athlete. However, they inevitably have gained about 50 pounds since then and the closest they have come to participating in sports in trying to sink wadded up paper in a trash bin. If he were still in shape he would have a current shot of himself playing volleyball or something.
Girl in a cheerleader uniform. This is the female version of the guy in a football uniform, with the added need to show you that at one point in her life she was hot enough to be a cheerleader. The one difference is once in a while you can get a woman that shows herself as a college cheerleader too. Everything I said about the football guy applies here, plus she is probably much higher maintenance to date than most women.
That’s it for today. More on this tomorrow. 
Yesterday’s question, second fiddle Riker verses the extremely lovable Chief Engineer Montgomary Scott, has caused me a lot of angst. I really, really want to say Scotty would kick Rikers ass, being a real man and all, but I can’t help but think that Riker is taller with greater reach and seems better trained. However, Scotty worked in an environment where violence was more common (he did throw the first punch in the Trouble with Tribbles) and probably has a lot more actual fighting experience, so I am going to make myself happy and go with him. The problem is I don’t believe it enough to put money on it. It would be a close one. (Riker image courtesy of the Star Trek t shirts category).
For today I present something that seems really obvious until you think about the kinds of fights he has overcome with his brain: who would win, Batman versus Darth Vader? Think about it for a while before answering.
By the way, if you like my writing and are looking for someone to write blog articles or other online content I am willing to do some contract work. Check out some of my product descriptions on the commercial site. Email me at [email protected].
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 7: translating online post speak into English
This post I will translate what people claim to do for a living into real language, as well as comment on what you can expect if you date this person. Before I get into this understand that, at least for men, people with high paying jobs or who are wealthy really have no need to go to a dating site to meet women, so if there is someone claiming to be a doctor or stockbroker probably has some serious issues along the lines of lost his fact in a tragic belt sanding accident. If you are looking to meet a doctor, go to a hospital.
Teacher. For some reason I have dated a lot of teachers (what did your mom do for a living, Dave? Thank you, Dr. Freud), although not so much lately. They tend to be pretty stable, with few annoying habits and plenty of free time on weekends and summer. They also have no gray area when it comes to kids; either they love them or hate them. When a teacher posts online it typically means they are sick of dating other teachers, so if you are one best you should move on. For men, this guy usually falls into the hates kids camp. However, they tend to be pretty reliable, loyal, and while they don’t have a lot of money coming in should be able to one day buy a house and retire. For women they also tend to be the same, except they all inevitably “love to travel” and once in a while you will meet one who is a freak in bed. Something about having to be so proper all day, I guess.
Medical Professional. This is a term people use to try to trick you into thinking they are a doctor. They are not. Doctors say doctor. This person is at best a nurse, probably an orderly of some kind or at worse the guy who mops up the bio-hazardous waste or works in the kitchen. Sometimes pharmacy. The thing about being in the medical profession without being a doctor is you tend to get your ego punched in the stomach every day by pretentious, overbearing doctors, so if you are looking for someone you can dominate in a relationship this might be the person for you. Also, most of them hate doctors, so whatever your lame job is it will probably look more appealing. For women this person is usually a nurse, so you can expect to talk a lot about either sex or disgusting work stories involving having to clean up something truly repulsive or changing an adult diaper or bedpan. On the other hand, they tend to be pretty horny. For guys this is more often an orderly, which is the medical equivalent of a pizza deliver guy except they don’t make tips.
Medical examiner. The one exception to the no-doctors-online rule is the medical examiner. I’ve never met a female one, so I will not comment on what it is like to go out with one. From what I have seen second hand male mortician actually tend to know some of the funniest jokes you have ever heard, especially if you like gallows humor. If you have a darker side, love vampires or zombies, and/or want to creep out your friends by all means date this guy.
Lawyer. Lawyers are interesting. Usually they are so busy with work that you will be lucky to see them one evening a week, if that. They also, for the most part, hate their job and life but spent so much money on school that they cannot afford to do anything else. For women this seems especially true, as I have dated a few and they all feel frustration about their life. They also tend to have little interests outside of work and working out, so whenever I date one it tends to be a painful struggle to find something to talk about beyond the whole trying-to-remain-true-to-your-nerd-self-while-talking-to-a-woman thing. For men this never, ever means a rich corporate law guy. This is usually a public defender or ambulance chaser. I don’t date men, so I can’t comment too strongly on this, but from what I have seen these tend to not be the most loyal on the planet. On the other hand even a poor lawyer can afford a nice evening out.
Business owner. Take it from a business owner, this is never a Fortune 500,000 company. For men, the best case scenario is a guy who has his own tech service fixing computers and networks. These guys tend to be pretty geeky and therefore fun to date if you are a geek, but they also tend to work a lot, especially at night. At worst this guy owns a failing Play it Again Sports and is a few months away from going back to work as a sanitation engineer. In either case the problem with these guys is there will be good months and bad months. One month he will be rolling in dough and the next eating Top Ramen. For women this somehow always ends up being owning a bead shop somewhere. Don’t ask me why. They tend to be kind of fun and have more free time than guys who own shops, but they also tend to be pretty uninclined to hit the gym, if you know what I mean.
Of course, it goes without saying that if the business owner happens to be a guy with a website that sells nerd t-shirts and writes a hilarious dating advice blog than he is not only fun and entertaining, but also sexy and virile as hell. You should probably sleep with him as soon as possible.
That’s it for now. More tomorrow. By they way, I just reread my last post and think it’s one of the best I have written, so if you didn’t read it go back and do so.
For the last posts who-would-win, I would have to bet on the half squad of Stormtroopers beating the full squad of Sandmen. Better combat training (although Stormtroopers seem to be missing the part of their training that would teach them to hide behind cover or maybe even duck down), better weapons, and better armor. Not to mention they are about 1,000 times cooler. The numerical superiority of a full squad of Sandmen would not make up for that. (Stormtrooper image courtesy of the Star Wars t shirt category)
For today the question I cross genres to ask who would win, Donkey Kong versus Mecha-Godzilla?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 6: translating online post speak into English
Yet more odeak translations. I seem to have a never ending supply of these.
“Social drinker.” Unfortunately this is a suspiciously vague term. It can easily mean someone who has a drink while out on a Friday night, or a glass of wine with a nice dinner. The problem is no one is ever going to put “Alcoholic” in their profile and will usually default to this term, so it can also be a prelude to Leaving Las Vegas. You will have to dig deeper.
“Love to party!” For a girl this is just what it says. She gets bored easily and wants to hit a different club every night. Expect all kinds of fun and exciting adventures of the “and then I wrapped my car around a tree” variety. The good news is you will never have to have a serious discussion with her about your feelings. The bad news is she will probably get bored of you pretty easily and run off with a guy with a better car. For guys, this usually is a code word for alcoholic or drug addict.
“Love to dance!” Most women love to dance, so this is a bit of a catch phrase. Honestly, don’t read too much into it, unless it is combined with “Love to Party” in which case there is a pretty good chance she is a stripper. Most men hate dancing, so if a guy uses this it probably means he is kind of a phony and trying to impress women. If he honestly likes dancing double check to make sure you aren’t actually in the “Men seeking Men” category. If he is strait and claims this to be honest you are required to test it to the max by dragging him to every dance club within 20 miles to see if he has the stamina and can actually dance.
“Love sports.” If this is a woman, it is very likely she grew up with multiple older brothers and is kind of a tom boy. This is great, but be aware that she is probably both willing and capable of kicking your ass. This can also be the phony equivalent of a guy claiming to love dancing, so if you meet her and she seems kind of girly ask her if she knows how many points a touchdown is worth (6, for those of you who don’t actually follow sports). If this is a man than this guy has burned out multiple women in his dating history by choosing sports over his relationship and is desperately hoping to meet a girl who will sit there quietly watching football with him and get him the occasional beer.
“Love to travel.” For both men and women this is the equivalent of a station identification. It really means nothing. Everyone loves to travel. However, be aware that both men and women who travel by themselves or with one or two friends of the same gender are generally going to other countries to have casual sex with foreigners (or locals, depending on how you look at it). I would find out what countries the person has traveled to with what people and compare it to this article on Dating Guys and Girls in Foreign Countries. If a guy tells you he loves to visit Thailand or Brazil make him wear two condoms. If a girl tells you France or Italy you do the same.
“Very sensual.” I’ve never seen a guy use this description, but this is usually code speak for women that means really horny. This is great, but be aware that this is often a phrase used by prostitutes and people that want to spam you with sex site emails, so be aware. Women can more or less assume all guys are really horny.
“Really into my work.” For women this can often be translated into “I work too many hours and am feeling frustrated by my personal life. My biological clock is ticking away and in order to be a complete person I need to have a child as well as be wildly successful in my career.” If you date her you can expect a lot of scheduling conflicts and hassles getting her alone, but when you do she will probably jump your bones. If a guy uses this phrase he is probably married and looking for a mistress. Expect a lot of booty calls.
“In graduate school working on my masters or PhD.” Find out what field. If it’s business, law, or something technical than cool. If it is something in humanities than expect to have him or her never be gainfully employed. Also, if this is a second or more post-graduate degree he or she is working on than odds are this person is a perpetual student and in addition to never getting a real job has probably never had a real job.
That’s it for today. Tomorrow I will talk about specific jobs and careers on profiles and what they translate into.
Yesterday’s question, Sandmen versus Red Shirts, is a puzzler. The fact is the Red Shirts are actually trained for combat, while the Sandmen are trained to hunt down single people running away with a red crystal flashing on the palm of their hand. However, Red Shirts are the Three Stooges of combat, and tend to die with alarming regularity. I will have to bet on the Sandmen. (Red Shirt image courtesy of the Star Trek Red t shirt category).
Today I will shift from Star Trek and ask what would happen if a squad of Sandmen went against half a squad of Stormtroopers from Star Wars. Who would win?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 5: translating online post speak into English
More odeak translations. By the way, I just noticed I have been misspelling translating wrong in the title for two posts. Thanks to no one for pointing it out to me.
“Spiritual.” This is usually what women put down when they have no real religion but rather kind of drift from one fad cult to another. Expect to hear about meditaion, Native American Spirits, and other New Age garbage. For guys, this is what they say when they really don’t care about religion one way or another but don’t want to alienate potential dates who are religious.
“Very Spiritual.” For women this can mean a hard core kook, deep into dancing naked at midnight under a full moon in a toadstool ring, or traveling to Tibet to study with monks. Don’t let this deter you from dating them, incidentally. In my experience these women are really entertaining and don’t have a lot of hangups when it comes to having sex. Just be prepared to discuss your chak’ras with her. For guys, this is often a code phrase for hard core born again Christians who want to “save” some girl. Either that or they are just as deep into some New Age cult as a woman using this phrase. The only difference is these guys are a lot less fun to hang out with than the very spiritual girl and are kind of a pain in the ass to date.
“Christian.” For women this is a typical boilerplate description designed to let you know that she has been to church a few times and doesn’t want to be considered a slut (whether she is or not). This can refer to any number of specific religions, most of which are relatively inoffensive. This girl will typically have a marriage and a family on her radar. For guys it is usually a little more serious. Expect to see the inside of his church at some point in the first month of dating, but otherwise things should be OK as long as he doesn’t show up on the first date with a Bible.
“Born Again Christian.” Uh oh. For both men and women this is a huge red flag (unless you yourself are Born Again, in which case please take this person off the market). Expect dates to be little if no fun, unless you find attending Bible studies fun. Also, in general you can expect little to no sex, and if you do get lucky be prepared to feel insanely guilty about it up until the moment you marry him or her. Anyone who talks about their “relationship to Jesus” on their online profile you can expect to be Born Again.
“Pagan.” This is more or less the same as very spiritual, except this person, man or woman, really likes to feel cooler than anyone who is not pagan. If you want to experience some weird discussions, meet strange and interesting people, and get laid with relative ease and no guilt, than this person is great to date. I, however, find their pretentious attitude and long track record of past sexual partners grinds on me after a while.
“Burning Man.” Cough cough unemployed loser cough cough. Ok, that is unfair. I know any number of employed people who are avid fans of Burning Man. Generally they are decent people, but once a year they opt to head out to a painfully hot and dusty desert to do drugs, drink, look at naked people, and do irreparable ecological damage while claiming to be free spirits in spite of being involved in a massively profitable circus of self indulgence. Every year I get asked to go and every year I say the same thing: I enjoy bathing once a day too much. As for dating them, man or woman, they tend to really want to date people who also “burn” so expect to be dragged out as well. They otherwise tend to have similar traits to the spiritual or very spiritual people.
“420 Friendly.” Pot smoker, usually daily. If a good date for you is sparking some bud and watching American Idol on TV before passing out in a Cheetos food coma then this is the person for you. For women this girl tends to be weirdly cute in a granola sort of way who likes to do really bad acrylic paintings. For men this guy usually really looks the part, has the same crappy retail job for 10 years, is about 15 pounds overweight, and graduated college with a writing degree. Also, regular pot use can lead to lots of short term memory loss and reduced libido, so if you are into your partner remembering things like your birthday and getting laid fairly often than this is probably not the person for you. Honestly, if the person is over the age of 25 and lists 420 as in interest you can count on them more or less being a loser.
Ok, that’s it for today. More next post, although soon I will get into translating online dating photos as well.
Yesterday’s question, Kirk with a lirpa (the weapon he fought Spock with in Amok Time, with a round blade on one end and a weighted bumper on the other) versus Worf with a Bat’leth, I think I will have to go with Worf on this one. As much as I love Kirk and want to see him win, Worf has trained with the Bat’leth all his life and Kirk got his ass kicked by Spock pretty easily. I would only hope that they played the Kirk fight music during the battle. (Amok Time image from the Spock t shirts category)
For today another Star Trek question. Who would win, a squad of Star Trek Red Shirts versus a squad of Sandmen from Logans Run?
Video game review: Halo Reach
So this girl that I am seeing (I think. Things are a little ill-defined at the moment. I, however, remain ever hopeful) invited me over to play some video games on her 360. She had a pile of choices but what caught my eye was her brand new copy of Halo Reach. On my old Xbox I played the original Halo until my thumbs cramped up. I played Halo 2 as well, but got sidetracked by something else that shall go unnamed but rhymes with Borld of Torecraft and more or less gave up on consul gaming along with most of the rest of my life for a few years.
Anyway, Halo rocked. Amazing first person shooter with a great story that shifted back and forth from alien military sci fi battle to survival horror game depending on if you were fighting the Covenant or the Flood. Controls were always very good and extremely intuitive, and a minimum of quick time events to bog the game down.
Halo Reach more or less continues the fine traditions of all the Halo games, except it is a prequel, set prior to the Terran/Covenant war. Still, you are fighting the Covenant, alien religious fanatics who show up in a variety of shapes and sizes. That actually brings up one of my few complaints about the game. The enemies are still the same Grunts, Elites, Hunters, Brutes, and shield guys. There seems to be some variety in the weapons and there appears to be at least one new Covenant vehicle that is pretty cool, but it’s the same guys all over again. At one point it looked like we had a whole new huge alien to fight, but then we are told by the omniscient narrator (which is either an AI or one of your squad mates. I’m still not sure) is a native creature of the planet and after we kill the two they never show up again. Another complaint is that somehow, while we only finished about 3 and a half chapters, we never once saw a ring world of any kind (the inspiration for the name), so personally I find calling it Halo quite a reach (ha ha me so funny).
Anyway, overall totally fun to play. I’ll let the stars and black holes tell the story.
First the stars. First person game play is seemless and really clean. No clipping or stuttering of any kind. Of course this is what I would have to expect from an Xbox game of any kind, but still really impressive. Three stars. The graphics are are really amazing. Two stars. The sound track is really, really good. Two stars. The story is pretty good too. One star. You can customize the colors of your armor (the girl who I was playing with went, with my encouragement, with all pink, turning into the Pepto-Bizmol warrior) and, if you play enough, buy custom armor. One star. Ghosts are still really fun to drive around in. One star. The enemy AI is really smart. One star. The PvP element (we only played it for a little while, long enough for her to kick the crap out of me. Not that I feel emasculated or anything) seems really clean as well. One star. Lots of cool weapons to play with, with no obvious best choice. One star. Total: 13 stars.
Now the black holes. No Flood. One black hole. The Warthog vehicle still drives like a giant Dachshund (wiener dog) on crystal meth. One black hole. There is a long, mandatory outer space fighter craft battle that seems to go on forever and is both unnecessary and kind of mediocre. One black hole. Somehow I can be shooting guys through the scope of the sniper rifle at max range and they can turn around and hit me with a plasma pistol with hardly any effort. One black hole. Same Covenant mobs. One black hole. Total: 5 black holes.
That gives us a total of 8 stars, an excellent score. They also added an achievement system and game credits that can be used to buy new armor or whatever, but I was torn between calling those a star or a black hole. Basically, if you see someone online who has all the most expensive custom armor options you immediately know two things: (1) he is probably pretty good and will be wearing your skin as a trophy in a few seconds and (2) he has absolutely no life. I would highly recommend buying this game and playing it if you are a fan of FPSs and have a 360.
As for yesterdays question, Sulu with a foil against Worf with a Bat’leth, I think this is honestly would end in a draw with both of them dead (Sorry, Gina. Also Spock would figure out a way to beat Data. Maybe not directly physically, but didn’t you see the episode where he shut down all those androids by purposefully using illogic? Spock’s mind is about 1,000 times more dangerous than his physical prowess). You see, a foil is much, much faster than a Bat’leth, so I believe Sulu would be piercing Worf’s brain in the first second of the fight. However, by that time Worf would have already started the downward killing stroke and Sulu, with his foil firmly embedded in Worf’s cranium, would not be able to deflect it. If Sulu did not go for the killing stroke right away I would bet on Worf, as the foil does not have the strength to parry a Bat’leth stroke. (Sulu image courtesy of the Star Trek T shirts category)
However, what I think would be a more interesting battle also from Star Trek would have to be Worf with his Bet’leth versus Kirk armed with a Vulcan Lirpa. Who would win?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 4: tranlating online post speak into English
More fun to be had with understanding online date speak (Odeak?).
“Low maintenance.” For women this always, always means high maintenance. If she is aware of it enough to deny it that means she has been accused of it in the past. Guys never use this phrase, but often when they say they are “looking for low maintenance” that usually means they are looking for high maintenance. When these two people meet it is one of those weird situations where two wrongs make a right (or two lies equal a truth).
“Great personality.” For men or women, this usually translates into a mediocre personality riddled with massive self esteem issues with regards to looks, often times with justification.
“Type A personality.” Uptight. Neat freak. Most likely obsessive compulsive disorder. Probably organizes his or her skull collection in the basement by size.
“Type B personality.” Trailer trash slob. Seriously, make sure you have had a recent tetanus shot before headed over to his or her residence.
“All or very natural.” For women, this always means a hippy dippy granola chick. Ironically, they are among the biggest pains in the ass to date, in spite of how easy to date they claim to be. Be prepared to find out more about your heart chak’ra than you ever wanted to. For men, this either means his last girlfriend was granola or he is a massive Burning Man fan. In all cases be prepared to smoke a lot of pot.
“Easy going.” For women this almost always means a pain in the ass to date. For men this usually means unemployed.
“Just looking for fun.” For women this means she is secretly afraid she is not fun. Also these girls are usually the ones who are planning the marriage on the first date. For men, this ALWAYS means they just want to hook up for casual sex. Date this guy and you can look forward to “Hey, what are you doing” texts at 1:30 am.
“I oNly TalK lIke tHiS!” For women, this usually turns out to be a Russian mail order bride service. For men, this is the guy who buys a Honda Civic and spends $20,000 turning it into a street racer and then sells it for $500 less than he paid for it.
“Self employed.” Unemployed.
“Work for a non-profit.” For women, if she is hot odds are she is looking for a rich, altruistic husband. If not so much than she is probably another granola chick. For guys, this usually means they are looking for a wife of any stripe.
“Medical professional.” This never, EVER means a doctor. Usually a nurse, but can also be a receptionist, lab technician, or orderly. Doctors will usually just say doctor. (by the way, I have dated a few nurses, and they inevitably only talk about two things; sex, and disgusting work stories usually involving something vile spurting out of somewhere. If you can stomach the stories go for it). Also if it is a guy who is a nurse he secretly hates himself and has serious issues with women.
“Recently out of a long relationship.” Do you feel you don’t have enough pain and suffering in your life? Than this is the person to date. If it is a woman than be prepared for long, excruciating stories about every conversation she had with her ex EVER followed by a bad case of blue balls when she says she is not ready for intimacy yet. If it is a guy you will get to listen to all the same stories followed by a ham handed attempt to sleep with you to salve his need for revenge on women where he will inevitably call you by his ex’s name.
“Love to play.” For women, this usually means they are afraid they aren’t sexual enough. For men, you can translate this into “Super Horny.”
“Love cats.” For women, better find out how many cats she owns before meeting her. Don’t forget my “more than two cats” rule. For men, either this guy is trying hard to show how sensitive he is or you mistakenly clicked on the “Men seeking Men” button and haven’t realized it yet. By the way, I have no problem with gays. In fact, some of my advice may well help them. Also, every gay man out there means one less guy I need to compete with for the straight women, so more power to you, brothers.
That’s it for now. More of the same next post.
As for my question from last post, who would win; Spock versus any of the TNG characters except Q I have to side with my man Spock. Sorry, but there isn’t a character on there who can match him physically or mentally except for maybe Data, and even he would fail to Spocks combined physical prowess and mental acuity. (Spock image courtesy of the Spock t shirt category)
I am really in a Star Trek mood lately, so for today I will pitch Worf from TNG with Bat’leth versus Sulu with fencing foil. Who would win?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 3: tranlating online post speak into English
Before I get into the dating advice, I have to tell you about the greatest online comic book ever: Axecop. It is about a cop who uses an axe, and is written by a five year old and illustrated by his 29 year old brother. Truly amazing.
So we are exploring the mysterious and (to be honest) dangerous world of online dating. I think I will for the next several posts list some phrases that are relatively common in online profiles and then translate them into English. This is so you know what to look for and also what to use or not use on your post. To keep it interesting for my female viewers for each post (where appropriate) I will for each listing translate both the female and male usage. A lot of these will probably by physical and kind of insulting, so please don’t hate on me.
“A few extra pounds.” For women a few can be translated into anything from 3 to 47, but usually ends up in the 15 to 20 pounds overweight. This is the phrase women use when they know if they really buckled down and ate less and exercised more they could get back to their fighting trim in a matter of weeks. Men who describe themselves as this weight are typically 10-15 pounds overweight and have been so for the last 10 years. They usually don’t show it so much.
“Curvy.” For women, this usually means a large bust and a huge ass. No man should ever use this phrase.
“Brawny.” For women, lesbian. For guys, fat.
“Rubenesque.” This is a girl code word for fat. She is hoping the guys are too dumb or ignorant to know what this means, so odds are she has little respect for men as well.
“Husky.” This is less a guy code word for fat so much as it is a guy self delusion that they are not fat. Guys who call themselves husky are in serious self denial with regards to their weight, and are also inevitably convinced that they are about 80 times more fit than they actually are so some amusement can be had by asking them to run around the block or do a push up or something. (Homer image courtesy of the Simpsons t shirts category)
“BBW.” Ahoy, Captain Ahab! Your search is at an end. Actually I have respect for women who are comfortable describing themselves this way, as they are cool with having their own personal postal code. Not that I would date one. Note for women, guys who describe themselves as being into BBWs generally have some serious mommy issues.
“Athletic.” For women, this means never ending yoga, running, and a ton of fitness. Generally these women teach spin classes or something. All good, but you had better be cut from the same cloth or she will walk out of the first meeting without even giving you a handshake. For guys, this usually means he played football in high school and still hasn’t come to grips with the fact that he sits on his ass 22 hours a day.
“Fit.” For women, this is very similar to athletic for men. She played high school volleyball and still does yoga a couple times a week but spend most of her time behind a desk. Likes to hike on the weekend. Oddly enough, for men this generally means more actually fit. These guys tend to run a few days a week and hit the gym regularly.
“Very fit.” Generally very good for both sexes. This description is one where it means more or less the same for both sexes. These people tend to be the ones who yell at you for being in the wrong lane as they pass you on their $12,000 road bike on a 50 mile ride. They also tend to be real type A personalities and painfully uptight.
“Muscular.” Or body builder. Very rare for women, but if you meet one be prepared for a deep voice and the potential of facial hair. For men they tend to be freaking huge (except where it counts, if you catch my double entendre). Regardless of men or women, if you date this person be prepared to be the submissive in the relationship. Men in particular tend to be controlling roid-fueled rage-o-holics.
That’s it for tonight. Tomorrow we’ll get into more of the personality catch phrases.
Yesterday’s who-would-win question was Xena versus Buffy. I think I am going to have to go with Xena, just for build alone. Also, while Buffy was born to be the Slayer, Xena spent her childhood training to be a warrior while Buffy was training to be a cheerleader.
For today’s question I am going to indulge myself with a simple match up: who would win-Spock from TOS versus any single character from Star Trek Next Generation except Q?
Friday Night Midnight Madness; a (possible) nerd love story
So Friday a friend of mine emailed and invited me to Midnight Madness at the Castro Theater in San Francisco. As you can see from the marquee photo I took from outside, it promised to be an epic evening with the Princess Bride, Time Bandits, and Deathstalker, all in 35mm. Any human with a pulse loves the Princess Bride, and any nerd worth his or her salt loves Time Bandits. Deathstalker I had never heard of before but was told it was so bad it was good.
I will forgo my usual movie review process, as anyone who has not seen the Princess Bride must be living in a cave somewhere and anyone who has not seen Time Bandits should be reading Oprah’s blog, not mine. I will say that Deathstalker was more suck than funny, although my opinion may have been colored by the fact that it was the movie that started at midnight and I was in the theater until about 2am (a car wreck on the bridge on the way home meant I didn’t get to bed until 3am, which is late even for me). It was like Conan the Barbarian if Conan the Barbarian had been written by dog wagging it’s tail against a keyboard while the Conan soundtrack was played backwards to reveal it’s Satanic messages. Like Conan it did have a lot of gratuitous nudity, which was pretty much it’s only redeeming feature.
Anyway, the point of this story is the remind my readers interested in nerd dating of something I said a long time ago in a post about where to meet women. The answer is everywhere. Here’s what happened. I was holding a bunch of seats for my friends who were running late from drinking at a bar down the street and sitting at one end. I notice there was an attractive woman sitting by herself behind me. In most cases this would mean her meathead boyfriend was getting popcorn or something but, given that we they were going show the Princess Bride first you never know.
I started off talking to the couple next to me as a pretense and in a minute involved the girl as well. Turns out she was there by herself. She had never seen Time Bandits so I encouraged her to stay for it. By that time I had made the decision to ask her out during the break between movies. I went to get popcorn after my friends took their seats and they decided to move from the excellent center theater seats I had secured to the far left in order to accommodate a couple more drunken reprobates. This might have been a good thing, actually.
Anyway, during the break I went back over and asked her out to dinner. She seemed a little hesitant to give me her number so I gave her my card. She emailed me the next day with her number and we are having dinner tonight.
Thus is my point proven. There are single women everywhere you go. You just have to keep your eyes open for opportunity.
That evening I also learned that my iPhone autocorrects the word Benihana (as in the restaurant) to the word genitals. Funny.
In answer to yesterday’s question of the MacKenzie brothers versus the Stooges, I would have to bet on the Stooges. They are just more used to violence and pain than Doug and Bob. The fight wold be both close and hilarious in my opinion. (Three Stooges image from the vintage t shirts category).
For today I am going in a different direction: corporate wars. Who would win, Umbrella Corporation from Resident Evil versus Omni Consumer Products from Robocop?
Movie review: Highlander the Quickening with Planet Zeist scenes
So I thought we were going to see Highlander the Quickening and then a reel of some of the horrible planet Zeist stuff, but it turns out that my friend actually found a laser disk copy of the original release with all the scenes placed properly in it’s correct place. It was an evening of agony, and I have to write about it.
Here’s the deal. I saw Highlander the Quickening it it’s abridged version back in 1991 in a theater and thought it kind of sucked then. Age has not softened my opinion about it. However, it turns out that when the movie was being filmed in Argentina the company that financed it (insurance, I guess) was really worried about losing money on it (a legitimate concern, based on the final edited product) and somehow, in the worst contract in movie history, gained creative control and forced in an entirely different sub plot into the movie involving a failed rebellion on a distant planet called Zeist. Let’s just say the movie, which already sucked like an undertow, took a turn for the stupid surreal. It’s like the plot died a horrible death in its first incarnation and the the evil scientist (played by the insurance company) resurrecting it as a zombie to stumble around the screen spewing bile and embalming fluid all over the screen before stumbling off to suck somewhere else.
Here is how I picture the movie in my role of King of Analogies. Back in high school I used to get a two pack of twinkies. I would take a straw and suck all the filling out of one of them through the holes in the bottom. Then I would fill it back up with ketchup. I would go up to one of my friends and start eating the good one while saying “Hey man, want a twinkie?” This movie is like getting the bad twinkie, but instead of ketchup it’s filled with a mix of Ex-lax and epecac, so you end up spewing chunks out at both ends. Not really so much painful as just disgusting and disappointing.
Sigh. Here is the plot summary. It is the far off year of 1999 and the ozone layer is more or less destroyed. Connor MacLeod, with the help of a guy who looks like an escaped garden gnome without the hat, invent the Shield, which covers the entire earth and protects it from the ultraviolet radiation. Flash forward to 2024. The earth is now super hot and wet all the time for being trapped inside the Shield, which is under the control of a multinational evil company call the Shield Corporation which apparently generates profit just by existing. MacLeod is now a decrepit old man but still has the Fabio-style haircut. He goes to an opera and during a scene falls asleep (or has an acid trip) and suddenly we hear his old headless buddy Ramirez’s voice and see the words “500 Years Ago on Planet Zeist.” No joke. Really, that is what happens. Ramirez and Highlander are the leaders of a revolution against the evil General Katana (wait a minute! Didn’t MacLeod carry a katana in the last movie? Was this an tribute to the first movie or just really lazy writing? I would bet on the latter). They get captured, mainly because they seem to be fighting against an army that has heavy artillery and are themselves carrying swords. The rest of their friends get killed, but for some bizarre reason rather than just executing them Katana allows the local priesthood to transport them to Earth and make them immortal.
Wait a minute. Their “punishment” is to be immortalized and transported to Earth in order to compete from “the Prize?” Also didn’t the first movie start off with MacLeod as a young man with the Clan MacLeod with relatives and everything? Also, at one point Katana calls him Highlander, which in the first movie was pretty clearly a reference to being from the Scottish Highlands. Does that mean he was from the Highlands of Zeist and then coincidentally landed in the only place on earth also called the Highlands with no memory of his extraterrestrial life? Also, he and Ramirez were friends on Zeist but had to reintroduce themselves to each other in Earth? Bear with me, gentle reader. It will all make sense in the end (not).
Anyway, in a move ripped straight from the Evil Villain Handbook of Stupid Moves, Katana sends two morons to try to kill MacLeod, who is more or less content to grow old and die. MacLeod kills one, gets young again, and kills the other in a really stupid battle in spite of the fact that it involves a hoverboard. Meanwhile, there is some sub plot about how the ozone layer is back and the Shield Corporation (with evil CEO played by John McGinley from Scrubs) is just keeping it up to maintain their profits. The romantic love interest is fighting against the Shield Corp (ever heard of a subpoena?), finds MacLeod, and they hook up. Ramirez (yes, played by Sean Connery. I don’t think it coincidence that the two movies that I have despised the most on this blog have both starred him) is resurrected in Scotland through the magic of the Quickening and the Shield, where he steals a prop sword and trades a single pearl earring for something like $40,000 worth of clothing, transportation, and I guess a fake passport. Sword fights happen, security mooks from the Shield Corp prove to be Stormtrooper accurate and die by the bushel, and General Katana (Michael Ironside) appears to be the villain behind a plot that has no reason to exist. He also wrecks a subway car full of children by having it go in excess of 500 mystery units per hour into a brick wall while channeling Ozzy from Crazy Train. It all boils down to a final sword fight that looks like it was actually an edited down version of two different fights, since MacLeod’s sword keeps going from evil looted blade to Ramirez’s old katana and back again. Ramirez also sacrifices himself to save MacLoed and the chick from the operationally critical “Crushing Fan Room” with magic powers(?). Good triumphs over evil (sort of, unless you consider bad writing, direction, filming, and acting evil) and the world is happily released from the prison of the Shield (sorry if that was a spoiler, but if you want to go out and see this garbage after this review you probably enjoy pain and should be thanking me for helping to make the experience worse).
Anyway, the stars. They kept the original main character actors, Connery and Christopher Lambert. One grudging star. The romantic interest girl was kind of cute, in an 80s beehive haircut sort of way. One star. There was a hoverboard. One star. Every scene was at night, so we didn’t have to see how cruddy all the sets probably were. One star (get the feeling I reaching here?). Four stars total.
Now the black holes. The story made absolutely no sense. It couldn’t have been less confusing if it had been in a foreign language and run backwards. Five black holes. The sword fighting was awkward and badly choreographed, although everything else sucked so I don’t know why this wouldn’t suck too. Three black holes. In spite of being 8 years in the future all the cars were somehow from the 60s. One black hole. The acting from everyone, even Connery, sucked. Two black holes. Planet Zeist. Three black holes. Every guy except the corporate CEO had bad Fabio/Meatloaf style long hair. One black hole each, so three black holes. MacLeod’s Scottish accent, which seemed cool in the first movie, made all his painfully long monologues seem even more forced and insincere than they actually were. Two black holes. It more or less ruined my positive memories of the first Highlander. Four black holes. The writers felt they had to create an origin of the Immortals that made zero sense. One black hole. Total: 24 black holes.
Grand total, 20 black holes. Truly awful. Rumor has it that the director walked out of the premier 15 minutes in, which would put it about the time the words 500 years ago on planet Zeist would have appeared on the screen. Also, there is a story that Christopher Lambert had a finger severed during one of the sword fighting scenes and had it reattached. If they had shown that I think I would have given them another star. Michael Ironsides is also supposed to have had his teeth chipped in another scene. Face it. The gods of film did not want to see this thing get done.
As for yesterday’s question of Dwight Scrute versus Egon Spengler, I think it could go either way. Dwight is generally better armed and has studied martial arts, and once maced a guy at work. However, Spengler has faced the undead and other horrors. I think in a regular fight I would have to bet on Dwight, as he seems eager for the violence. I do know I would definitely want to watch this fight. It would be entertaining. (Ghostbusters image courtesy of the science fiction t shirts category).
For today, I need you all the think outside the box a little, as this next one is less a straight up fight and more about a long story. Here it is. Who would win: the Scooby Doo gang investigating the mystery of Freddy Kruegar?
Movie review: True Grit
So another Tuesday night, and regular readers will know that is $5 movie night at the local Regal Theater. True Grit looked like the only movie I was interested in, as I had heard good things about it. This was pure self indulgence, in that I think I need to see something really bad in order to produce a truly funny review for you, my cherished reader. That’s why next week I think I will see the Season of the Witch. The suck is just oozing off the trailers for that one.
That being said, I expected this movie to be pretty good, and was not disappointed. I actually read the book as a kid and liked it. I don’t have a great love of Western stories like I do kung fu, zombie, or science fiction, but I have an appreciation of it. I also saw the original with John Wayne but don’t remember it much.
The story is of a young girl from Arkansas who’s father is killed by a hired hand. She travels to the town of his death to avenge his death. She hires a grizzly marshal named Rooster Cogburn who is a drunk with one eye. Along the way they run into a Texas Ranger also after their man with the solitary name of Leboeuf. The girl is super stubborn, which turns out to be her defining trait. Horses get ridden, whiskey gets drunk, and guys with bad teeth get shot.
I enjoyed this movie a lot. Watching Jeff Bridges play a grizzled drunken lout actually really helped wash his recent performance in Tron Legacy out of my mind a bit. I think this is the first movie I have seen him in wherein he does not play the Dude, although he can’t seem to get away from movies that involve substance abuse. Let’s get into the stars and black holes.
Stars first. The story is good and as far as I can remember follows the book closely. Two stars. All the characters are both believable and pretty cool, especially Rooster, and the acting was good. One star. Everyone is armed. One star. They managed to avoid crowbaring in a romance story to appeal to the 15 year old girls. One star. None of the stars are particularly good looking, apparently believing that a good story and good acting negates the need for eye candy. One star. In a big F you to current American culture and our mediocre school system the language is very formal and authentic, not “modernized” for the morons. One star. The story and character motivations are clear and understood. One star. It’s a cowboy story. One star. The action is both cool and and frequent without being forced. One star. They did not try to hide any of the old West racism (the one black guy was a servant, the one Native American with a line was more or less abused). One star. Total: eleven stars.
Now black holes. The girl’s stubbornness gets old after a while. One black hole. They do that movie thing where they keep talking about how ugly she is when she is kind of cute in a young Melissa Gilbert-Laura Ingalls sort of way. One black hole. The characterization of the head of the outlaw gang the villain joined up with, Lucky Ned Pepper, seems to drift from outlaw rogue poet to psychotic dirtbag. One black hole. For all the opportunity out in the open for really amazing shooting and cinematography, the photography seemed kind of up close and less than panographic. Honestly, bad cowboys-verses-ninjas movie the Warriors Way did better. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
Net total: six stars. A very good score. I would highly recommend this movie to anyone. However, given the week photography I don’t know if there is a massive motivation to see it on a big screen. If you are OK waiting for it to come out on DvD just NetFlix it. I would put it in my top ten Western films along with Tombstone and Unforgiven, but honestly I don’t know if I have watched enough cowboy movies to really make that kind of assessment. If any of you have suggestions on movies I should see to help me round out my Western experience I am open to them (or, if you want, find some movies that sound Western but are actually really horribly bad as a joke on me, I would do it. Should be good for a laugh) I’ll try to track them down.
By the way, I warn you now that tonight is Bad Movie Night at my friend Brian’s house and he is planning on showing both Highlander 2: The Quickening AND the original 500 Years Ago on Planet Zeist. I have seen the first and regretted it but if the second is as bad as it sounds I might have to do one of my bile enhanced bad reviews tomorrow.
Still working on the Solomon Grundy/Deadpool question. For today I would ask who would win: Dwight Shrute from the Office versus Dr. Egon Spengler from Ghostbusters (Shrute Farms image courtesy of the TV show t shirts category).
