Los Angeles, here I come
I am going to take a break from dating advice tonight (I am planning a few good ones over the next couple days related to dating on a budget, a subject I am particularly experienced in) and talk briefly about some cool upcoming shows I will be working at. They are both in the greater Los Angeles and are two consecutive weekends, so in order to reduce my driving and increase my stress and insanity level, I will be staying at my mother’s house for at least three days going completely stir crazy and absorbing about a pack a day in contact smoke, if you know what I mean.
The first event is the Long Beach Comic Book Convention on Oct. 29th-31sth in lovely Long Beach, CA. I will be staying at my sisters house in Belmont, which will be fine as long as we don’t talk about politics. The show is supposed to be pretty good, and I will be running the booth by myself, so if you are in the area stop by and watch me going insane trying to keep up with the customers and trying to not go to the restroom for 8 hours a day (Green Lantern image courtesy of the comic book t-shirt category).
Also, since the event is on Halloween stop by on the 31st and I will have a bucket of candy for you or your kids.
I then go to my mom’s house, which will be great for the first day and a half and probably drive me nuts for the next two days. Still, it will be great to see her again, and three days of free food is not to be laughed at.
Then, my friends over at Creation Entertainment are running three shows for the price of one on Nov. 5-9th down near LAX. The three shows are Farscape, Stargate, and Firefly/Buffy/Angel/Dollhouse show (basically a Joss Whedon-athon). I am a hard core fan of all three, and am really excited to be there. My good friend Liz will be there with me as she is also a huge fan and will be bringing down a number of additional shirts I just ordered earlier today. All shows and genres will be fairly represented. I will be staying in a hotel for that one and enjoying it’s amenities to the fullest extent.
Speaking of Joss Whedon, by the way, I am a couple days from getting my interview with Danny Nero, a stand in who worked on Firefly, Serenity, Angel, and any number of other amazing shows and moves, done and put up on this blog. He is giving me some great stuff on the cast, working with Joss, and working in the film industry. Stay tuned for it.
Nerd Dating: Dirty dating tricks Pt 1
We’re kind of halfway through your first date, but I think it time to discuss some of the dirty tricks (and some that are just tricks) out there, both so you can see them coming and possibly use them if necessary. Like our friend Felix here, everyone needs a Magical Bag of Tricks, and the more tricks you have, the more accomplished you can be (Felix the Cat image courtesy of the cartoon t shirt category).
The first trick is what I like to call the Cell Phone Dodge. This is where you arrange for a friend of yours to either text or call you at a prearranged time, usually 1-1.5 hours into the date. The tricky part is if you are having a good time and are really into your date you completely ignore the phone. If the your date is being a huge pain in the ass, turns out to be a white supremest, is painfully stupid, or talking marriage in the first 3o minutes you take the call, have a brief conversation, and declare “Oh, my god! My cat just set fire to my apartment!” or something like that.
Actually, don’t use any details. Just say “Oh, wow. I’m really sorry but I’ve had a personal emergency come up.”
This is your rip cord on the date being a total waste of your life and money. Never feel guilty about using this one (some of the other ones I am going to tell you feel free to feel guilty about) as about 100% of the women out there use it on a regular basis. Ever notice that they all seem to get a text or phone call about an hour in? This is your first real test. If she blows it off she is into you. If she takes the call and rushes off, better luck next time. Also, practice your dating conversation more.
Next post, the Dinner X2 trick. By the way, I am going to start doing some interviews with people in the nerd world who I think are particularily interesting, like a woman who did a horror film documentary and a couple of special effects I met recently. Should be pretty cool. I won’t be stopping the dating stuff, but interspersing the interview to keep things interesting for those of us who don’t need dating help.
Nerd Dating: to see a movie or not Pt 2
Sorry I didn’t get this done sooner, but was at the Sacramento Sci Fi Horror Convention with a booth selling t-shirts. The show was a lot of fun, and the highlight for me was meeting and getting this picture with the gorgeous Jewel Staite from Firefly and Stargate Atlantis. Talk about beauty and the beast (of course, if any of you call Jewel a beast I will kill you).
(the shirt I am wearing, by the way, is available in the Star Trek t shirts category).
Anyway, Jewel is married (damn the luck!) but meeting her has inspired me to forge ahead in my quest to meet the perfect women and keep helping the rest of you also meet someone. Last post we talked about movies as a date. Assuming you have determined correctly that a movie would be appropriate (and are not just falling back on it due to your flailing conversation) the question arises “What movie to watch?”
First of all, strike anything cool you want to see off that list. Any sci fi, horror, or action flick will fail miserably. Even if she sounds cool with it, in her head she is either going to think you are incredibly selfish or an incredible geek (probably both).
Second of all, do not see a chick flick. Odds are she will suggest one, but if you agree (or worse, suggest one) have fun being “man-friend” for the rest of you life. You just turned into a hairy girl in her head. Also, your time is worth more than that. A couple years ago I went on a date and somehow ended up seeing Nights in Rodanthe, a Richard Gere movie. It wasn’t so much lame as it was like swimming in a pool of rusty razor blades and afterwords eating a huge bowl of excrement. The mistake I made was not being familiar with the current movies and assuming it was some kind of vampire flick. Do your research. Any movie that involves coming to terms with stuff will make you want to claw your eyes out and use them as ear plugs.
A good compromise will basically leave both parties vaguely dissatisfied, so plan on that. The best option for you will be a good comedy, but make sure it involves women in some kind of role. The Hangover was hilarious but was definitely a guy movie. A good romantic comedy is a compromise in her favor (again, do your research. Love Stinks is technically a romantic comedy, but will turn her off not only you but possibly men in general). Try to have a couple ones to suggest. Having your iPhone set to Fandango before you even pick her up is a plus in your favor.
Next post, movie etiquette.
On the road again
No dancing or dating advice this weekend. I am headed to LA for the LA Comic Book convention. If you are in LA stop by and say hi.
The celebrities at this show are Todd Bridges (Willis from Different Strokes) and Daniel Logan, who played young Boba Fett in Episode II, Attack of the Clones (image courtesy of the Star Wars t shirt category). I guess you can tell the show is not huge, but it is fun and there is usually a lot of stuff to see there. Also, my super hot friend Olga will be helping me out, and afterward we are going to see Res Evil 3D so look forward to a review by me next week.
Talk to you soon.
Nerd dating advice: to dance or not to dance Pt 5
Now we come to the meat and bones of the matter; how to actually dance. Again, there are those homo sapiens who are blessed with the natural grace, rhythm, and athletic ability to be a great dancer but I am willing to be a good amount of money that that is not you. However, a lack of ability can be overcome by a healthy mix of perseverance, alcohol, and the ability to not give a crap what other people might think of you.
First of all, like Frankie said, relax. Stand easy. You want to make your moves look smooth and natural, kind of like Gumby here (image courtesy of the cartoon t shirt section), not like a man on stilts with a third stilt inserted somewhere, if you know what I mean.
Start off listening to the rhythm of the music. Most dance music (for idiots) has a relatively simple one, two, three, four pattern that can be fairly easy to discern if you stop listening to the lyrics (something I recommend anyway as a means of preserving valuable brain cells). You can start off bobbing your head to the music (not headbanging, as we discussed earlier) in time to the music, unless it is really fast, in which case try to go every other beat.
Move your weight back and forth between your feet. In fact, try to lift each foot in turn off the ground. Keep your knees bent and feel free to add a little bounce to each step. Do not stop with the head bobbing (<–important). In fact, everything I tell you to do stacks, so you have to do them all at the same time. This might sound scary, but with enough practice (or tequila) it will get easier.
Try moving your feet a little as you lift them. Just a few inches back and forth, or side to side. It doesn’t really matter. However, now we get into the first real danger zone in that you have to be sure you don’t step on your dance partners’ feet (or anyone else, for that matter, but your dates’ feet needs to be your number one concern). Also, try to avoid “drifting” either away from your partner or into her personal space. While your feet are moving your relative position on the dance floor should remain more or less constant.
As you move your feet, try to shift your hips around with them. Throw your hip sideways or forward. If you have ever had to shut a refrigerator door with your hands full (and really, who hasn’t) the hip thrust you most likely employed is probably your best bet. At some point you may actually intentionally bump hips with your dance partner, but take it from me, a great deal of control is needed for this maneuver. I know from experience that a 250lb guy can more or less launch a 110lb girl into the DJ booth if the timing and power is off even a little. Save this for a more advanced lesson.
Move your hands and arms, but avoid that collar bone line I keep stressing. Also, while it might seem natural avoid any movement that smacks of combat or martial arts, as well as fast moves, windmills, whips, or anything snake like. Mostly I do little circles at the elbow and hope for the best.
Those are the basics. I will get into more specifics next post, but I wanted to tell you the three real secrets of becoming a great dancer: practice, practice, and practice. Seriously, in your living room, by yourself, load some dance music onto Pandora and go nuts. No one can see you. DO NOT do this in front of a mirror or your web cam, unless you are OK with someone accidentally recording it and making you a YouTube sensation. If you really feel the need to self critique yourself (and I do not recommend you do) set up a video camera and watch afterward. Then delete it completely. These videos have a nasty habit of resurfacing a few years later at the most embarrassing time and place possible (often the video loop playing at your wedding reception) so spare yourself the agony.
Nerd dating advice: to dance or not to dance Pt 3
Ok, more dating advice. Or rather, more advice on what to not do while dancing.
Unless you are actually at a heavy metal concert, do not do the headbanger head bob. While it is important to move your neck while dancing, it cannot be the only thing you move. Also, guys doing the head bang bob tend to be drawn towards raising one fist up in the air, again breaking the arm line.
Do not do the plant. In other words, move your feet. Dancing is an activity that requires a certain amount of coordination, and as frightening a prospect it may seem you will actually have to move multiple parts of your body at the same time. I had a friend in high school who was famous for doing the plant, and we frequently ridiculed him for it.
As cool at it may seem in concept and as good as it might look practicing in front of your mirror, do not do the robot. The robot is something an accomplished dancer does to compliment his fertile dance skill set, not the only thing he can do and start off with. Also, as good as you might think it looks in the mirror, in truth it is remarkably hard to pull off successfully and easy to look like a complete ass doing. Just stay away. (Robbie the Robot image courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
If you are not at a punk rock show, do not do the pogo. In other words, do not jump up and down like an idiot. First of all, really lame looking. Second of all, any weight issues you may or may not have will be grossly aggravated as you move in a vertical manner (keep the phrase “bowl full of jello” in mind while considering this dance move). Also, once, while at an actual punk rock club (with a dangerously short ceiling) I was doing the pogo and manage to impale my head on a sprinkler head. Not my coolest moment.
Avoid gymnastic of any kind. At no point should any part of your body except your feet touch the ground. Also, you should not be bent over for whatever reason, especially to look at your date from between your legs or any other Twister position. The temptation to do the worm or some break dancing move may overwhelm your insanity if you think you are doing well (or are really drunk), but do whatever you can to restrain yourself.
One more post on bad dance moves coming up, then we will get into good things to do while dancing.
Nerd dating advice: to dance or not to dance Pt 1
You are on your date, you have dinner, you wow her with your wit and verve, and it turns out your next idea sucks and she suggests you go dancing. This is not so much a trap as a series of land mines, spiked tiger traps, and poison gas surrounded by a ring of fire.
There is no good answer to this suggestion. If you nay say the idea you are a boring stick in the mud. If you agree you have to have an idea where to go. Furthermore, at some point in the evening you will have to actually be seen dancing, and for most nerds that is about as bad as it gets.
I try to remain realistic in most things (aside from my delusion that I will one day rule the world). The fact is I dance like a 6’5″ slightly overweight white nerd. Do not delude yourself into thinking you are good at dancing. If you could dance you really wouldn’t need my help with women. Odds are extremely likely you dance like you are having a slow motion epileptic fit (or, worse, a full speed one).
I could advise you to look into taking dance lessons and even link you some site that would help you find them, but let’s face the facts. You aren’t going to do it, and even if you did I don’t know how much good it would do. You can’t build a skyscraper with Play Doh. If you don’t have the natural inclination and ability to dance you aren’t likely to improve dramatically. (Raver Spock image courtesy of the television t shirt category)
The most important thing to remember about dancing (and the only thing that will help you save your dignity and impress your date) is to have fun. This might sound nigh impossible, but one night a friend of mind dragged me to a club and told me to just dance and enjoy it. I did, had fun, and actually met a girl who kind of picked up on my fun vibe. If you dance like it is actually causing you pain she will most likely associate you not having fun dancing with not having fun with her and bail out.
Next post, in a hugely ironic turn of events, I will be giving specific dancing tips. Talk about the blind leading the blind.
Nerd Dating: What to talk about on your first date pt 6
This, by the way, is my 100th blog posting.
Since starting this list of things to talk about I have come up with a number of additional no-go topics. Stuff to really avoid in my opinion. I’ll do this post really quick to keep you out of trouble.
Things to not talk about:
Sports. Most women not only hate this but are afraid of dating a guy who disappears for all of the football season. Occasionally you will meet a girl who claims to like sports, but this is usually a trap designed to see if you go crazy on the topic. On the other hand, many women don’t want to date a gormless wiener who has no testosterone at all, so don’t say you don’t watch any sports. A good, neutral answer on the topic would be “I’ll watch it if nothing else is on. Plus I always watch the Super Bowl.”
Medical anything. I think I mentioned this before, but I will reiterate. Most women (and men, for that matter) are more or less disgusted by their own bodies and medical issues. They will want to float in a modest delusional state wherein whoever they are with doesn’t even have internal organs or expel waste of any form (by the way, if you have to use the restroom you should tell her when you excuse yourself that you are going to “wash your hands.”). Honestly, do you really want to hear about her womanly issues, skin condition, or back issues? Don’t let her know about yours. As far as she is concerned you are never sick. (House t-shirt image courtesy of the television t shirt section)
Nerd stuff. Star Trek, comic books, video games, D&D, or anything cool. It is a sad fact that most women (at least the ones I seem to date) have no actual interests beyond work, travel, the gym, and television. Yawnorific. However, keep your interests under your hat for now.
Pretty much anything you have not heard a “normal” girl bring up in conversation (things brought up by the weird goth comic book chick who you keep running into at the local comic book shop does not count).
I’m running out of steam. If I think of other things I will try to insert them into other posts as asides. I hope you are starting to get the idea.
A quick note on gaming and other nerd conventions
I have been at Pacific Con the past two days. It is late and I am totally beat, but wanted to related something that came up today.
I was talking to a friend of mine about how much I love going to these conventions, even before I would show up to sell t-shirts, and she asked what it was I loved about them. I thought about it for a minute, and suddenly it hit me.
Like most nerds, I spent my childhood being alienated, bullied and ostracized by my so called peers while receiving nothing like help, guidance or protection from my parents and teachers. Mostly it sucked, and I felt like an alien the whole time. Those feeling still dog me to this day. The fact is, however, when I go to a gaming convention or comic book convention I am surrounded by hundreds if not thousands of people who have had a similar experience and for a couple days I don’t feel like total freak. I don’t have to explain anything about what I am into and I don’t have to hid any of my interests. It is shockingly liberating. 
The truth is out there (X-Files t shirt from the television t shirt category).
That’s it. I’m tired and headed to bed. I probably won’t blog for a couple days and then get back on the dating advice. Talk to you all soon.
Nerd Dating: What to talk about on your first date pt 3
Another topic that will inevitably come up on the first date will be your family and the nature of your relationship with them (Family Guy shirt image courtesy of the cartoon t shirt category).
A negative relationship with your family can really put the average girl off. Don’t fall into the trap of having her tell you how horrible her relationship is and then assume that means she will be cool with your bad relationship. Double standards exist everywhere. She will not want to hear about how bad your family life is no matter how bad hers is.
On the other hand, if you gush too much about your family, especially your mother, you will look like a mama’s boy. A girl in the process of evaluating your ability to be a partner does not want to have to compete with your mother. Basically you need to strike a balance between loving and messed up.
Each person’s life is different, and in this you should not be making stuff up as if you develop a relationship this will bite you on the ass. Instead, tell the truth but use an old sales technique I used to use when I would be selling products I wasn’t gung ho for I like to call “Finding the Positive.”
For example, it would be fair to say my relationship with my father was not Ward Clever and the Beav. However, when I talk about him I try to stay focused on the few fun things we did, and try to see some of the messed up stuff he did in a humorous light. In retrospect most of the things he did that bordered on abuse can be seen as just quirky and funny (by the way, in my free time I am writing stories about my childhood with him).
By the same token, I am very close to my mother. However, I don’t mention that I talk to her pretty much every other day. I talk about being close but I don’t harp on it.
As for your brothers and sisters, feel free to say anything you want, as a messed up relationship with a sibling is not an abnormal thing. Just make sure you end the story with something like “We used to fight all the time, and I don’t talk to him/her much anymore, but of course I still love him/her).
By the way, brothers, sisters, and cousins can be a great source of amusing anecdotes that don’t actually reveal a lot about you. I have yet to even tap that keg, but believe me there is no shortage of material.
