Harry Potter Plans
Ok, I guess I can’t not see the new Harry Potter, as it is breaking all kinds of records. The problem I have is that I have never seen a single Harry Potter movie or read any of the books. My first instinct was to just see the most recent and then try to review it blind, but while I might write something funny I don’t think that would be fair. In addition, I don’t want to get on the bad side of all the rabid Harry Potter fans.
So what options have I? Really only one. I am going to borrow all the Harry Potter movies from my friend who is a rabid fan (hi Liz) and watch them all back to back, marathon style, next weekend. Then I will watch the one in the theaters on Sunday night and right possibly the best review ever for it. I don’t know any other reviewers who are dedicating a whole weekend to this.
The only problem I have is I can’t decide if I should be looking forward to or dreading this weekend. I guess I’ll see.
(Wizard image courtesy of the video game t shirt category)
Guns don't Kill People. Magic Missiles do.
Nerd Dating: the greatest date ever-movie night in-Part 2 the cleanup
Yesterday we talked about how having her invite you over for a movie is in most cases a good thing. What, on the other hand, if she wants to come over to your place?
To be honest, this is 100% a test. She want’s to see what kind of place you live in, if you actually have furniture and not just milk crates, and make a more accurate assessment of what your probable net worth is. This is actually a huge pain in the ass as it requires you to do a ton of prep work, mostly in the cleaning department.
Yes, you will have to clean up, and not in the “Just run the vacuum around the living room” sense. Before even cleaning the grime and crud out you have to clean up your life. This means get all forms of pornography out of your place. If you feel the need to store them put them in your garage but I guarantee if you just stuff it all into a closet at some point in the evening Murphy’s law will dictate that you or her will find an excuse or need to go into your stash and will be rewarded with an avalanche of magazines and old DvDs. Move it out of there.
By the way, if you are planning to watch the movie on your DVD player be sure to empty said DVD player of whatever you were watching the night before. I can’t stress that enough. If she sees you unload a DVD she will see it as an opportunity to gain a clever insight into your personality, and if the last thing you were watching was porn or Jackass or whatever she could really get the wrong (or right) idea. Same goes if you are going to stream NetFlix. Make sure you que is not visible if you have anything embarrassing.
Second, get rid of anything you bought while in college, even if you are still in college. This means that poster of the two hot girls kissing on the bed, the other poster of the thong wearing girl bending over to reach into the refrigerator full of beer, the poster of different kinds of pot, the bear bong, the bong, the moldy couch that smells vaguely like a dead dog, the St. Pauli Girl neon sign, the lava lamp, the samurai sword, the collection of novelty shot glasses, any anything else that reminds you of your Freshman year college dorm.
Third, arranged a pleasant movie watching environment. Furniture is pretty much required. Couch>futon>easy chair x2>easy chair x1>bean bag>folding chairs>old mattress>picnic cloth on the floor>carpet>hardwood floor>concrete floor>dirt floor. A coffee table for drinks is great. TV positioned at a good angle and distance with remote on coffee table. Make 
sure your wires are hidden and are not creating a fire hazard. Put the Xbox or whatever game console you use away, along with all the games (Bioshock image courtesy of the video game t shirts). A couple of throw pillows and a comfy quilt folded up at the end of the couch will add a lot of she is in a snuggle mood. A candle or two will add mood. Also make sure you draw the blinds. Girls will not generally make out with you if they think that there could be someone watching.
Fourth, minimize your nerd hobbies. I know, that is more or less contrary to what I have been preaching since starting my blog about being proud to be a nerd, but great deeds require great sacrifices. At this point odds are she knows you are a nerd, but you don’t want to keep reminding her of it even if you met her at a comic book convention or something. I am sure you want to fantasize about her being a super model. Odds are there is a piece of her brain that wants to fantasize about you being one of the cool kids. You don’t want to burst her balloon by having your Warhammer miniature painting table right next to the couch, of your souvenir Starfleet Academy graduation certificate framed above the TV. Shove it all into a closet or spare room. You will have plenty of time for that after she is your girlfriend and her fantasy has died a natural death.
I have to get going today, but will continue this process with tomorrows post. Talk to you soon.
Movie review: Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides
Before I get into my review I would like to say a few words about the tragic death of Randy “Macho Man” Savage. I have never been a huge pro wresting fan in spite of wrestling myself in high school. However, I became a fan of Macho Man when he played Bonesaw McGraw in the first Spiderman movie. I also enjoyed him immensely when he played Rasslor in Dial M for Monkey from Dexter’s Laboratory, one of the best episodes they did. It’s obvious he had a great sense of humor, and I will miss hearing his signature “Oh, yeah!”
Anyway, Pirates of the Caribbean. This has always been my favorite ride at Disneyland, although as a kid I (according to my mother) called it Pirates of the Can-o-beans. I also have to admit in spite of my natural inclination to despise anything with the Disney stamp on it, kind of enjoyed the first two films. I missed the third one, something I think might have damaged my enjoyment of this one somewhat. I should also like to warn you that I am a huge fan of the great book On Stranger Tides by Tim Powers, and author who either produces some of the greatest fiction on the planet or complete boring garbage. He writes like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Boring.
So On Stranger Tides is one of his best (second only to Last Call, in my opinion). However, when I heard this I have to admit that the bar was raised considerably for me, which is always a mistake. This film didn’t suck any more or for any other reasons that the other ones did (although they managed to avoid the stupid three barreled gatling gun cannon that Davy Jones had in the second film), but when it committed all the usual annoyances it wasn’t so much that they tripped on the bar as clotheslined themselves with it.
As an aside, I was really expecting them to keep some of the great story elements from the book, but except for the facts that the story involved pirates looking for the Fountain of Youth and using zombie crewmen, they more or less ignored the book entirely. It’s like the writers chewed up and swallowed the book and, twelve hours later, excreted a steaming On Stranger Tides flavored pile of script. It’s unfortunate, as the book is really good and would have made an amazing movie, but now that Disney has marked that territory it will never happen. (Zombie image courtesy of the video game t shirts category)
Those two paragraphs are a little unfair. Pirates offers up an entertaining two and a half hours in the standard Disney formula. The only real problem is if you have seen any of the first three movies you have pretty much seen this one. I challenge anyone who is not a screaming Johnny Depp fan to sit through a Pirates marathon. You’ll be keel hauling yourself by the end.
Anyway, the movie. I really don’t want to throw in any spoilers, but there are a couple points I need to make that might do it a little. I’ll put in spoiler alert when I do, but really if you hate spoilers you might want to skip the next couple paragraphs. So, Captain Jack Sparrow is without a ship or crew and needing to recruit them all. Some dumb filler crap happens in London and he ends up shanghaied into the crew of Blackbeard, who for some reason has super hot Penelope Cruz as a first mate is is somehow his daughter and one of Jack Sparrows ex love interests. Blackbeard has been prophesied to die at the hand of a one legged man. By coincidence Capt. Babarossa has resurfaced missing a leg and having complete hatred of Blackbeard. Anyway, Blackbeard wants to find the Fountain of Youth in order to cheat the prophesy. Babarossa has been sent by some foppish English lord to find the Fountain of Youth and, as a floating deus ex machina, the Spanish have sent three ships to find it too. At that point the movie basically becomes Scooby Doo meets the Amazing Race as the three groups progress towards the fountain.
Pirate hijinks ensue (literally. The action was pretty goofy. Disney is to action scenes what Twinkes are to dieting). Mermaids attack. Zombies are promoted to middle management. Johnny Depp is charmingly self centered and irreverent. Barbossa and Sparrow get involved in the stupidest teeter totter ever. The physics of sailing vessels is more or less disregarded entirely.
First the stars. The story is linear and entertaining. One star. Johnny Depp is extremely engaging as an actor. Two stars. Pretty much all the rest of the acting was well done, especially Blackbeard (Ian McShane, from Deadwood). Two stars. Penelope Cruz is hot. One star. Casting was great. One star. Filming and editing were really good. One star. They restricted the comedy relief to Jack Sparrow. One star. Overall, the story was more like Curse of the Black Pearl and less like the lame second film. One star. Dialog was clever and funny. One star. Total: eleven stars.
Now the black holes. The “action” started off lame and got worse as the movie progressed. I’m sorry, but two guys carrying a plank are going to notice a fully grown man jumping on the plank, not keep carrying him perfectly level through the crowd. I know these movies are supposed to be dopey on the action, but this stuff felt like a toothache that got worse as the movie progressed. One black hole. Claiming to be inspired by a great book but then ignoring it completely. One black hole. Mermaids were kind of dumb. One black hole. SPOILER ALERTS! They had a really interesting plot conundrum in having to transport a mermaid over dry land in a big aquarium but as soon as it became inconvenient she magically grew legs. One black hole. The Spanish had a secret goal they could have accomplished about 45 minutes into the film by destroying some artifacts but didn’t. One black hole. So much deus ex machina that God must have been working as a Production Assistant on the set. One black hole. A shockingly anticlimactic ending. One black hole. They crowbarred in a really dumb romance that made almost no sense. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
So a net total of two stars. Not bad, and if you can stomach dumb Disney action entertaining. If you can approach it with the right attitude (cough cough stoned cough cough) it will actually be a lot of fun, and for the most part good for kids too (I had another crying baby in the theater, BTW. What is up with you parents???). Worth seeing in a theater, in my opinion.
Not sure what I have on deck for tomorrow. I have a lot I am doing this week and am getting ready for a big gaming convention this weekend. If any of you are going to Kublacon stop by and say hi. Talk to you soon.
It’s the end of the world (of Warcraft) as I know it, and I feel fine.
So with May 21st creeping up on us and the supposed end of the world incoming, I plan to fill this week in between movie posts (Priest review tomorrow. I had to wait to see it as my girlfriend wanted to see it and tonight is the only night we can do it) with a series of the world is coming to an end posts. However, I have been meaning to talk about the real end of a world that at one point was as important to me as this one, the World of Warcraft.
I don’t want to sound like one of those “I started playing WOW back in vanilla when questing and raiding was hard” jackoffs, but really, I am one (Classically trained raider image courtesy of the WOW t shirts). Back then you had to run on your mount (which you only got at level 40, not level 10. Of course, I was so broke I had to wait until I was level 47), flight paths were few and far between, and the lack of ease of battleground meant you were getting ganked and camped about every ten minutes. Five man raids were honestly hard and you wiped a lot, and when you wiped graveyards were miles away and you didn’t just fly back to your corpse. Raids required you to find 39 competent players and were wipe fests too. Just spending time in a raid dungeon did not mean you would eventually kill the boss. Epics were rare, and just having on tier 2 piece meant a huge difference in your DPS and survivability. I remember running into a AQ40 equipped hunter who kicked the crap out of me and two of my guildmates in spite of having decent T1 and T2 gear.
Then came Burning Crusade, which was a lot of fun. Raids were still tough, Outland was fun, and for the first time we had flying mounts. You had to be really good to see the death of the final boss in Black Temple (which I did, before they nerfed him). Overall a good effort, but the first signs that WOW was beginning it’s death spiral showed up. First of all, epic gear became much easier to get. Instead of being happy with decent blue gear and a few epics, now everyone was epic’d out about three days after hitting 70. Flying mounts, while cool, made stuff like farming minerals and herbs really easy. They made battlegrounds easier to get into, and I saw the first decline of world PVP.
This was also when we first saw the preview of the complete nerfing of the game in the form of raid addons. In vanilla addons were minimal, didn’t really work great, and were essentially complex macros that might or might not help, but even with them you still had to make sure you were on your game to stand in the right place, heal the right person, and hit you shot rotation correctly (I always played a hunter). No real alarms or anything. In BC we saw addons that pretty much made the game easier. Recount, Grid, Gatherer, Deadly Boss Mods, and any number of class specific addons made raiding and playing much easier. However, the game was complex enough to really need them. Overall BC was a great addon. Raiding and PVP was fun and challenging, and overall you still had to know what you were doing to play.
Then came the first mortal blow to the game, Wrath of the Lich King. Northrend sucked and was painfully boring. Battlegrounds got so easy to get into that no one did world PVP any more. Flying mounts, which earlier cost 5K gold and were something of an achievement to get, became ubiquitous and made things even easier. Most classes saw their game play simplified. Towards the end of BC all the losers who couldn’t play well complained to the developers about how they never saw the inside of Black Temple and whined about not seeing all the content, so Blizzard nerfed raiding to the point that most dungeons are raids were more of a gear check than anything else. They added hard mode for the really hard core raiders, but even so it was significantly easier than vanilla or BC. However, the thing that really nerfed the game was the addons. Blizz started incorporating popular addons into game play, but everyone with an ounce of programming skill were developing stuff to do everything by change your diaper for you. The ones that really hurt the game IMO were all the quest finding addons, showing you exactly where all your quest items or goals are located. At the time I thought they were cool, as they really saved time, but in retrospect I can see the end was near.
The one thing they did was added the achievements, which I jumped into with both feet. I loved getting achievements. I would play for hours trying to grind the most obscure stuff possible (if you know the game, you should either be really impressed or really sad for me in that I got the Insane in the Membrane achievement. Yes, I had no life). It was enough to keep me going.
Then came the final death rattle. Cataclysm. Instead of spending the time and money to develop a new zone (hey, writing new content is hard work) they just recycled a bunch of old code and let us fly around the old world, which they somehow made more boring. Addons, including the questing addons, were completely incorporated into the stock UI of the game. Most of the dungeons were simply a matter of time, not effort, and getting a dungeon group has become super easy, especially if you are a tank or healer. As I approached 10,000 achievement points I came to realize how achievements were really a never ending quest and a massive time sink. Every aspect of the game became easier and softer, catering to the casual gamer.
I think that is what does it for me. I don’t have the time or inclination to be a hard core raider anymore. However, if I am going to play I don’t want to be one of these casual player jerks. The problem is the game is either for super hard core raiders or freaking idiots who play a couple hours a week. There is no middle ground. The game has gotten so painfully easy to play it’s like reading one of those choose-your-own-adventure novels. Unless you are raiding hard mode there is no challenge whatsoever. I think this point was finally driven home for me one day when I was doing a quest that had me riding my mount underwater (remind me again why I spent all those hours fishing up the Turtle mount if any normal ground mount can swim underwater now). I got done and climbed to the surface. At that point I figured I was due for a long, grinding swim to shore to mount up on my flying mount. However, I had a mount macro that would mount my flyer if possible and low-and-behold, I was flying! How much easier can they make the game?
Anyway, WOW was fun while it was fun. I don’t regret the time I spent playing it (although I refuse the type /played as I am afraid the answer would send me into a serious depression). If you are a casual gamer who likes to log on for a couple hours on the weekend, or a hard core raider who puts in 30+ hours a week, than good on you. I won’t deny that there are people out there for whom WOW still fulfills a need. About three weeks before Wonder Con I stopped logging in as I was too busy, and haven’t logged on since. I really don’t miss it, and find myself more excited about writing long, bitchy blogs like this one. For me, the World of Warcraft is fail.
Update on what is going on in my nerd life.
Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, but this last weekend I was going to go to the SAWS Challenge Warhammer Tournament in Sacramento. While not huge, it is big enough and been around long enough to be worthy of being called a Grand Tournament and therefore worth my full attention. This meant I spent a big chunk of last week painting some new models and rank fillers. I was up until 2am Thursday and barely made it.
The tournament was fun and frustrating in equal measures. I won’t get into specific details in this as most of you readers probably wouldn’t understand the nuances of the game, or even care much for that matter. I had a conflict with one of my opponents regarding his willful misinterpretations of the rules that cost me a lot in the course of the tournament. Let’s just say I don’t want to play that guy ever again. Otherwise it was a typical tournament; lots of really great opponents, some awesomely painted armies, and a lot drinking going on before, after, and during the event. I place 8th overall in spite of getting screwed and had 4 great games and 1 horrible one.
Something that may interest my female readers is the girl to guy ratio stayed about the same as usual at 1 to 30. If you are a girl that feels you need to have your ego stroked by having a large number of desperate guys paying a ton of attention to you I can’t recommend another type of event more. Even comic book conventions seem to get a decent number of women, but gaming conventions and tournaments might as well be held in the men’s locker room for the number of women present. Something to consider.
Other drunken gamer hijinks ensued. One of my inebriated friends locked himself in the bathroom of our hotel, vomited into the toilet, and then passed out on the tile, blocking access to the bathroom and forcing another one of my wasted friends to wander outside in his boxer shorts to relieve himself behind a bush at 3am. Another group of our friends had an “upper decker” rendered unto them, adding to the general hilarity of the weekend. If you don’t know what an upper decker is you should count your lucky stars. I won’t say if I know the guilty party was, but I can say odds are the victims will never find out.
Anyway, in spite of the 5’9″ fly in my soup I had a good time. However, now that the event is behind me I have the time to work on things like this blog. I am also going to get on with my elaborate t shirt descriptions. If you haven’t seen them I think they are really good. This 8 Bit Revolution shirt from the video game t shirt category is one of my personal favorites. It kind of spans the scope of what I like to do in these.
Anyway, tomorrow I think I am going to do my final review for WOW Cataclysm, and on Wednesday probably a review of the movie Priest, which I have been looking forward to for a long time. I only hope it comes out better than Dylan Dog.
Movie Review: Rubber
Last night at movie night my friend showed us a copy of Rubber, a new movie coming out next week. I’m not sure how he got it (and am happy that way) but reviewing a movie a week before it hits theaters makes me feel like a fully grown up movie reviewer instead of some guy who goes to the movies and then blogs about it. I am so proud.
That being said, Rubber is not Paul. I am pretty sure it will have a limited theater release and then go to video so fast it could possible turn time backwards. That being said, this movie is 100% guaranteed to become a cult classic, so if you want to gain any kind of hipster nerd cred you had better see it in the theater so five years from now when your friends are talking about it you can smugly say something like “Rubber? I saw it in the theater. Surreal.” and watch as all their egos all deflate and burn like the Hindenburg. I am sure at some point you will be able to leverage this into some kind of massive nerd-fu boost.
The film looks like it was created to try to impress the people at Cannes, where it was more or less universally panned. I honestly can’t decide if it was good or bad. The best word for it is really surreal. It’s a melding of Repo Man, the Red Balloon, City of Lost Children, Friday the 13th, Six String Samurai, and Eraserhead. That being said, it is shockingly well produced. They obviously had a budget, which really makes me wish I could have sat in the pitch meeting when the producer convinced someone to fund it.
Believe it or not, this movie was written and directed by Quentin. Not Tarantino. Quentin Dupieux. I wouldn’t have imagined there were two dudes named Quentin in the world, much less in the movie industry. This makes me really wonder if Mr. Dupieux was named Quentin originally. I don’t usually do this for movies that I review, but this movie is so weird I think I need to link the movie site to help you understand. Here you go: Rubber the Movie.
Surreal really doesn’t cover the story. It depicts the adventures of Robert, a tire that comes to life and has the telekinetic ability to blow people’s heads up. He rolls around (literally) some American backwater killing people, and being enchanted by a super hot brunette French girl named Roxane Mesquida, who shows some skin in a completely unnecessary shower scene that I appreciated immensely. There is some weird sub plot involving a group of spectators who are issued binoculars and watch Robert’s tribes and tribulations from a nearby hill and somehow are critical to the story. There is an insane sheriff, a kid who puts bird guts on his dads(?) pizza, some guy who directs the spectators, and another guy in a wheelchair who somehow completely confounds the evil plot that is being facilitated by the insane sheriff. The film is a French production but except for Roxane the cast and set is 100% American.
Sorry if that description seemed a little vague, but I am still not sure what the hell was going on. I am reasonably intelligent and an active movie viewer but still had a lot of trouble following it. That being said, I still enjoyed it. It was like eating celery: tasteless, but still fun to eat for the texture and will help clear out your intestines with all that fiber but at the end you discover you have burned more calories chewing than you gained in nutrition.
First the stars. Surrealism. Two stars. The film work was in its own way brilliant. Most of the camera work was done at the level of the tire. We had a debate at the end whether they were using stop motion, CGI, or some kind of really good wire work and really couldn’t decide. One star. For a script that looked like it was written by a Sophomore in a really artsy film school the production values, including camera, editing, and sound, were all very good. One star. The acting was also shockingly good. One star. They somehow managed to make the tire feel like it was more alive and had more emotion than Nicholas Cage in his last two movies. You honestly could tell when it was pissed and it could deliver a really ominous feel most of the time. One star. The special effects, mostly in the form of heads exploding, was really good. One star. Total: seven stars.
Now the black holes. Surrealism. One black hole. I know it’s a surrealist film, but there were a lot of moments when I was extraordinarily confused, especially by a lot of the motivations. One black hole. Given that this is a surrealist French film about Americans I am pretty sure there is some kind of inside French joke about America that would piss me off if I knew about it. One black hole on speculation. At the end of the movie I really wasn’t sure if I enjoyed it or not. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Net total: three stars. Not bad, not great. However, don’t forget the pop culture credibility you will gain from having seen it in the theater. Also, if you are dating a girl and you somehow feel she doesn’t think you are weird enough, take her to see this. It could be a good girl nerd coolness test.
Yesterday’s question, LexCorp versus Umbrella Corporation, is really interesting. I think that with Lex Luthor at the head I think LexCorp could probably beat a bunch of zombies. However, the faceless heads of Umbrella match him act for act when it comes to cold blooded. I think in the end it would be LexCorp, but it would be close. (Umbrella Corporation image courtesy of the Resident Evil t shirts category)
Continuing on that same thread, who would win: Umbrella Corporation verses Omni Consumer Products (Robocop)?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 19: Setting up the first meeting
OK, assuming you haven’t frightened her off (or been frightened off by her. Believe me, creepy is a two way street) and you have exchanged between 3-12 emails (12 is a lot. I would normally try to go after the 4th or 5th) it is time to set up your first meeting. How to do it and where to go?
Honestly, email sucks as a way to get to know each other so after you have more or less exhausted the standard “where did you grow up” and “what did you study from college” questions it’s time to get face to face. I find it best to just blurt out the question, usually at the end of answering her questions from the last email. Something like this usually works pretty good:
“…and then animal control showed up and collected all the bodies. You can see why that was the happiest day of my life.
Say, how would you like to meet up and get some coffee? I know a place not far from the area you (claim to) live in that serves the best (insert coffee drink of your choice). Are you free on (weekday) at (sometime while the sun is still up)? You can always call me at 555-1234.
If you haven’t given her your number yet, you should. Most women will probably want to talk to you at least once to make sure you don’t use a voice disguiser or something. When she calls keep the conversation to a minimum, focused specifically on when and where you are going to meet. Don’t get sucked into a long conversation on the phone, as odds are your conversation skills will lag and give her a reason to never talk to you again.
For the place, pick a coffee house or cafe that is in a public place and serves coffee and other drinks without the obligation to buy a meal. Think Starbucks. Don’t go to a restaurant as that implies and more or less obligates the two of you to eating a meal. Also if you sit down at a formal restaurant and just order a drink you will look cheap. If the first meeting goes well you might suggest a meal of food at a nearby restaurant.
Try to show up earlier and be waiting for her. This gives her the chance to scope you out and bail out without talking to her, but honestly you are better off getting that then suffering through an hour of stilted conversation before getting the boot. Wear something distinctive and tell her ahead of time what it is (“I’ll be wearing the Mickey Mouse ears”).
By the way, remember what I said about pictures online always being better than reality, so be prepared to be at least slightly disappointed. Also work on not showing your disappointment on your face. All the old rules I listed regarding clothing, grooming, and behavior are doubly important, so if you are a recent reader of my blog go back a few months and review the rules regarding bathing (every day), clothes (wear them), and other odds and ends (deodorant is not your enemy).
I’m coming up on the end of the this line on online dating advice. I think I have one more in me. Not sure where I am going after that, but I will find something interesting. If you have any suggestions or dating questions hit me up: [email protected].
Yesterday’s question, Onyxia from WOW versus Godzilla, seems like a close match. They both breath fire, have a tail attack, bite, and claw. They also have more or less fireproof scales. I am going to go with Godzilla just because I have seen Onyxia killed dozens of times and Godzilla never. In fact I believe Godzilla would stomp a 40 or 25 man raid flat in about 30 seconds (Raiding shirt courtesy of the WOW t shirts category).
For today I’m going to go to a classic: who would win, Superman versus the Hulk?
Movie Review: Drive Angry 3D
So like I said (threatened) yesterday I went to a late night showing the latest opus from Nicholas Cage, Drive Angry. Given the last Cage movie I saw and lambasted, Season of the Witch, I did not expect a lot and for the most this film met with my expectations. I got home, thought about writing it, and decided to sleep on it to see if the movie looked any better in the daylight.
Sadly, it did not. Don’t get me wrong. I love grindhouse. However, this movie feels less like true grindhouse and more like some Hollywood guys trying to either do a high budget tribute or parody of grindhouse. In either case it feels plastic and fake, like brown hair extensions on a redhead.
Also, remember when Nicholas Cage would act and actually deliver some level of emotion with his lines? Like in Raising Arizona, the Rock, Kiss of Death, 8MM, Valley Girl, or prelude-to-a-suicide Leaving Las Vegas? Right before doing Ghost Rider I think he was kidnapped and replaced with a robot who can simulate life but not quite deliver emotions. The lines “Coffee, black, with sugar”, “Ever heard of a place called Sweet Water?”,” and “I am going to kill you” are all delivered with the same monotone deadpan delivery that would work well for a 
sidekick or secondary character (especially if the sidekick was the computer voice from War Games) but which makes me think I could do a better job filming the movie using World of Warcraft toons as actors. For a movie called “Drive Angry” there doesn’t seem to be a lot of anger or any other emotion from the main character. (Murloco’s Taco’s image courtesy of the World of Warcraft t shirts)
That being said, there are elements I liked. Just not the story, acting, action, dialogue, or all but two of the characters.
Honestly, I think the synopsis will be the hardest part of this review for me to write as I spent the first 45 minutes of the films saying “What the hell is going on?” I appreciated a film that doesn’t reveal everything to us like we are ten year old short bus riders, but at some point you have to make an effort to give us a clue of what was going on. If I hadn’t read a blurb before the movie I would have been totally confused.
Anyway, Nicholas Cage plays John Milton who escapes from Hell in a hot car with a stolen gun called the God Killer a few years after being killed in some ill defined crime spree and is somehow unkillable. He is trying to save his infant grand daughter from being sacrificed by a Satanic cult leader (Billy Burke, one of the two characters I liked). He somehow convinces Zombieland hottie Amber Heard (playing the kick ass waitress Piper. Come to think of it, she actually has a lot of anger in her roll. Maybe she is supposed to balance out Mechano-Man Cage) to help him in her boyfriend’s stolen Charger. They are pursued by the other only character I liked, William Fichtner, who plays Hell’s repo man sent to collect Cage and bring him back (it is later revealed that he is actually a former Egyptian god who I will not name but you have seen on Stargate SG1). There is also a cool looking and sounding police captain who seemed to get a lot of character buildup and development and then fell off the screen like a lead seagull. They travel through Louisiana mixing it up with white trash kooks and local color. Car driving hijinx ensue, and there is a final battle scene not so much lifted as taken frame by frame from the car destroying the undead army scene in Army of Darkness.
OK, the stars. The opening and closing scenes with Cage driving to and from Hell are pretty cool. One star. There are four amazing muscle cars, including a 69 Charger and a beautiful Chevelle. Two stars. I will give a star for every totally gratuitous grindhouse style nude girl, so like two and a half stars. The Accountant from Hell (literally) was kind of cool. One star. The driving action, while over the top, was actually pretty cool and well filmed. One star. While headache inducing, the film was actually shot with 3D in mind and has some fairly cool things flying out of screen. I actually found myself jumping a couple times. One star. Total: 8.5 stars.
Now the black holes. Nicholas Cage acts like a Tweekie dealing with irritable bowl syndrome. Two black holes. The story kind of blows. On black hole. The dialogue blows. One black hole. As good as the driving sequences were (which was only moderately good) the fight scenes were horrible (at one point Cage kills about 20 guys while in coitus with a trampy waitress and doesn’t pull out until they are all dead. On the other hand, this is one of the nude scenes that netted them a star). I know grindhouse is supposed to be over the top, but this is just dumb. Hire a fight choreographer. Two black holes. For no explained reason whatsoever Cage’s character is not only unkillable but somehow heals himself from a gunshot wound in the eye. One black hole. For the life of me I cannot figure out where Pipers motivation to do anything but run screaming into the night comes from. One black hole. Total: 8 black holes.
So we end up with a net of 0.5 stars, which is very slightly higher than the review I gave for Cage’s last movie, Season of the Witch (where he also portrayed a character with less emotion than the suit of armor he was wearing). However, remember 2.5 stars come from my appreciation of rated R style nudity and 2 more from a love of American muscle cars. If you do not share these interests then it swings heavily towards the black hole end. Definitely not a date movie. Honestly, if you love driving action then I would say see it on a screen. On TV I don’t think it will really have the impact the big screen would have. If you miss it wait until you see it in the $4 bin at Best Buy (or the #2 bin at Walmart).
For yesterdays who-would-win question, Jayne Cobb versus Snake Plisskin, I think it is kind of situational. If Jayne had Vera and all the hardware he carried on a typical day of Firefly and Snake just had the gear he had in Escape from New York, I would have to bet on Jayne. On the other hand if Snake had his choice of weapons (or was armed like he was in Escape from LA) then I would bet on him. You can’t beat him in a gunfight, Bangkok style.
For today I will again go with Jayne, as I am in a Firefly mood. Who would win, Jayne Cobb (with Vera again) versus John McClane from Die Hard?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 14: interpreting photos
Yes, I am back on the dating stuff. Last night at movie night we watched Unstoppable, which I have both seen and already wrote a review for (also I cut out early to grab some hot chocolate with the the girl I am currently seeing. Keep your priorities in order, my friends) and really don’t have a lot else to talk about. I will continue with my guide to interpreting the different types of photos you see on online dating posts.
Boudoir photo. This is something only women and the occasional gay guy post, and since my focus is on women I will leave the male ones alone. If a woman posts a soft focus photo of herself wearing lingerie on a bed then either she is a sex worker/spam farmer or just really out of shape. If the first you can expect to get all kinds of interesting email from Nigerian princes, hair restoring products, and Viagra alternatives. Either that or she will turn out to be a desperately single super model from the former USSR who needs money to come to America. Occasionally an actual woman will post this, but it usually is the case that if the photo is lit right and out of focus enough (i.e. smear enough petroleum jelly on the lens) the most out of shape mutant on the planet can end up looking like the hottest woman alive. In both cases I’d say stay away.
Bridesmaid/Groomsman photo. This person is sending a strong message, and that message is “I’m sick of seeing all my friends get married and want a husband/wife now!” You had best show up for the first date with an engagement ring and a blood test. If this fits your goal then go for it, although I have found you can expect a certain amount of bitterness from your date. Also these people really want kids usually, so you can save a fortune in condoms.
Picture with mom. If a woman posts this she is trying to show you how wholesome she is. Odds are she will be a pretty good girlfriend and likely a really good cook, but if you are a fan of the occasional freaky sex thing you will be disappointed. If a guy posts this you can count on having to pass his mom’s test to date him. He is very likely a strong mamas boy and you can look forward to experiencing every bad mother-in-law story you have ever heard.
Picture with dad. If a guy posts this he is probably really into sports and is trying to show you how manly he is. Probably a decent boyfriend but could also turn out to have any number of massive deep seated issues that won’t crop up until you have been married for 10 years. You are literally rolling the dice. If a woman posts this you can expect to have a number of creepy “What are your intentions with my daughter” conversations as well as feeling eyes burning holes in the back of your head at your wedding and at any number of future family events. If the dad has money you can also enjoy having everything nice you buy for your girlfriend/wife outdone by her rich daddy (buy her a car, he buys her a better car). On the other hand, if you keep your receipts this can turn into quite the groovy money making scam.
That’s it for today. More of the same tomorrow, although I think I am coming up on the end of my list of stereotyped photographs.
Yesterday’s question, Mario versus Link, seemed like a no brainer to me. I thought Mario would easily smash Link with his hammer from Donkey Kong. However, the girl I am dating now pointed out that the hammer actually counts as a power up and I said no power ups (can you see why I like her?). That being the case, Link packs a ton of weapons as part of his normal day to day and I have to go with him winning. (Mario image from the Super Mario t shirt section)
For today we’ll go with some classic movie stuff: who would win, Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China versus Buckaroo Banzai from Buckaroo Banzai across the 8th Dimension?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 8: understanding poster’s careers
I’m actually having a blast writing these, and in my very humble opinion seem to be coming out with some brilliant stuff, so I will continue. Incidentally if you have a careers you haven’t seen me list or I seem to be in danger of missing email me and I will try to address it.
Software engineer. These people are almost exclusively men, at least online. The extremely rare female software engineer is so surrounded by geeky, desperate single men that they will never have to go online to meet anyone. For guys, they tend to fall into two camps; spiteful ego destroyed cubical code monkey-drones and gung ho super creative free spirits who loves their job and company. The first guy will suck you down like a giant squid in an even more giant flushing toilet bowl. He is a spineless despair magnet. The second guy is obviously the cool one and will be fun to hang out with with tons of weird, cool trivia for witty conversation and will be more or less a great boyfriend. The problem is at first appearance these two guys look shockingly alike. The cool guy is often overworked and presents himself remarkably like the despair guy trying to front a positive image. The trick is to ask them how they feel about there job and hope the despair guy is not good at lying.
Firefighter. Please. Do you really think a male firefighter has to go online to meet women? This guy is a complete and utter fake. Occasionally you might see a female firefighter, and if you are cool with women who are literally more manly than you are (in a fortitude sense, although occasionally in a physical sense too) than go for it. However, the few that I have met are so sick of all the excess testosterone flying around at work that they will most likely grind any semblance of machismo you may or may not possess into the ground.
Police officer. Cops actually do show up online once in a while. It’s not easy to meet women when most of the people you are interacting with are criminals of one type or another. On the other hand, there are women who will sleep with any cop, so they don’t have a ton of trouble. They do tend to be kind of controlling, and your friends will be on edge when they meet him or her. Female officers have a lot of the same issues that female firefighters have, and carry guns. On the other hand, if you date a cop and are into it they generally have handcuffs with them, which can be fun in the right circumstances.
Sales people. Another area I have entirely too much experience with. Sales people actually fall into two camps; hard sales and relationship sales. Hard sales people are essentially used car salesmen. They tend to be really good liars and think fast on their feet. They also feel no guilt in ripping people off. Relationship sales people work with the same customers year after year and tend to be more honest and concerned about their customers well being. In both cases sales people all tend to be freakishly charming, tell great stories, and have weird yet harmless hobbies. They also tend to have pretty loose schedules, so if you are looking for someone who can take a weekday afternoon off at any time this person is great. Men tend to appear like type B personalities but are actually type A. Women tend to be strait up type A and are generally attractive and excellent manipulators. In general this person can be really fun to date but you have to dig a little to get to their real personalities.
Fitness trainers. Good luck. These people almost always have great bodies and tend to want to date the same. If you somehow charm one of these to go out with you, then expect to receive crap from them on almost all levels of your diet, health, and exercise regimen. They are like born again Christians, so expect to receive crap for eating ranch dressing on your salad. They also tend to be kind of boring to talk to, unless you get into them telling you about all their psycho ex boy or girlfriends. However that that is like trading out boring purgatory for a new kind of hell. On the other hand, every time you get bored you can check out their ass and be reminded why you are there. Don’t expect a real relationship unless you are a fitness nut, but the eye candy is good. For men, these guys are not usually muscle heads but rather runner types. Women are inevitably aerobics freaks and spin class instructors who do yoga to relax.
Retail employee. These people are good to date if they are young, and hell to date if they are middle aged or older. When they are young they tend to be fun, hip, and excited by cool stuff. When they are old years of dealing with customers (who all suck) have beaten them into a bitter little troll who’s only respite is bitching about it to someone, usually you. This can be somewhat offset if the employee is actually a manager, but if the person is 38 and still working the floor at Footlocker than you can expect to hear a lot of stories that all seem to start with “The stupidest customer came in today and…”
That’s it for now. More tomorrow. Please send me the professions you want to hear about via comment.
As for yesterdays question, Donkey Kong versus Mecha-Godzilla, after posting it I was inclined to roll with Donkey Kong, as flaming barrels are a pretty good attack. But then my friend Dave texted me with some interesting research he did. Mecha-Godzilla is protected by a layer of armor made of NT-1 and coated with a layer of artificial diamonds. It absorbs the energy from energy weapons and transfers it to his Plasma Grenade, located on his waist. After all that info I am going to have to go with Mecha-Godzilla. (Donkey Kong image courtesy image of the video game t shirts)
For today, I dive back into the fantastic world of Steam Punk to propose the following question; who would win, Steampunk Abe Lincoln versus Steampunk Palin?
