Nerd Dating Dealing with Rejection Pt 3: What to do
So you’ve been rejected and all of a sudden all food tastes likes mixture of paste, bile, and Satan. Life seems to be a cardboard, washed out low rez black and white version of itself. The good news is you’ve avoided all the potentially self destructive and/or illegal activities that guys often resort to in a pathetic attempt at making themselves feel better and get the ex to pay attention to them. The bad news is now you need something to fill up the long, dark hours that used to be spent with your significant other or at least thinking about her.
Ah, now we are definitely in Dave’s corner, because this on level I have mastered. Here we go with some excellent suggestions (in my experience).
1. Video games. Nothing helps alleviate the pain in your heart like bringing some electronic pain to some noob from across the country, or killing that giant space caterpillar. You can feed your inner alpha male without hurting anyone in the real world. My recommendation is to load up on caffeine and junk food and play until the sun comes out again. I recently re-activated my WOW account and it is doing wonders for making me feel like I actually have a life. (Undercity Gravediggers image courtesy of the WOW t shirts category)
2. Clean your apartment. This is actually pretty cathartic. I liken it to shedding my crusty crystalis and emerging a beautiful butterfly as opposed to the disgusting caterpillar that just got rejected. Also, if you are into self delusion (and really, which of us isn’t?) you can fantasize about how, once your apartment is clean and pretty, you can bring a new girl over for romantic potential (and while we are at it, let me tell you about the porcine flight school I am developing). Overall, I find projects like this are pretty good for taking my mind off how much I hate being rejected and on how much I hate scrubbing toilets. Also, it is a good chance to collect items for the next big thing to do (see the next item).
3. Collect anything she gave you or left behind, take it to the beach, and burn it all in a bonfire. By fire be purged! Yes, everyone loves a good fire, and here is a chance to show the universe how you feel about her dumping you with a volatile chemical reaction. Be sure to bring a few friends along. If you do this by yourself you will just be a creepy weirdo. Also, you can probably use this episode to elicit more sympathy from your friends. That sweater she gave you for Christmas? That toothbrush she brought over? That mix CD she made for you? That pair of underwear she left at your place (by the way, what is the deal with this? Every girl I have ever dated for more than a couple months manages to leave some kind of personal garment at my place. I can count on zero hands the number of pairs of boxers I have accidentally left somewhere. Yet another female mystery)? That self improvement book on how to be a better boyfriend? All fuel for the fire of your pain. Note, however, if she managed to leave something like her laptop, college diploma, or the urn containing one of her parents you should probably return those.
4. Channel your emotions into something useful. The two emotions you will most likely be feeling are depression and anger. The first will make you hurt yourself and more or less act like a girl, while the second will make you hurt other people and act like a man. You will probably feel both at different times. If you are depressed try writing some depressing fiction (or, if you are so inclined and own a lot of black clothes, some poetry). Paint a depressing picture. Replace you room carpet with black shag. Trust me. Six months from now when you are completely over it you can pull out whatever project you did and it will provide endless amusement (for your friends). If you are angry don’t hit anybody. Instead do some manly stuff. Chop some wood. Find a gym and punch the heavy bag. Join a local rugby league (props to my friend Johnny). Do all the stuff that no girlfriend in her right mind would ever let you try. Ironically, if you handle these two emotional states properly you will end up hurting others with your depression (nothing is more painful than having to listen to depression based poetry) and yourself with your anger, which is some weird way is better than the other way around.
Incidentally, the other emotion you will probably feel is soul crushing loneliness. However, since this is a fairly normal state for most people including me, just do what you normally would. The only real way to cure it is to find someone else, so once you are done with all the depression and anger go back to the beginning of my dating advice posts and start all over. In dating you have to be like Wile E. Coyote. No matter how far he fell, or how large a boulder crushed him, next scene he was in the Acme catalog working on his next attempt. He only needed to succeed once, and so do you and I.
I will list some more activities tomorrow.
I’m still collecting answers to the Deadpool versus Solomon Grundy question. They aren’t exactly flying in, so I guess either I’m deluding myself on how many people are actually reading this or how many people really care about these questions, but I have fun doing them and really, it’s not all about you my friends. So I will continue to indulge
Nerd Dating: Dealing with Rejection pt 1
“Love is like a snowmobile flying across the frozen tundra that suddenly flips over, trapping you underneath in the sub-zero temperature. At night, the ice weasels come.” – Matt Groening
I am going to suspend the line I was on earlier on making out due to the fact that I recently had an event that has caused me to question my ability to advise anyone on dating. Instead, I am going to discuss something that I am if anything overqualified to discuss: getting rejected and dealing with it.
(By the way, don’t worry too much about me. Odds are by this time next week I will be back in my usual cocky form. I tend to snap back pretty good. Thank god for self delusion)
Anyway, being rejected sucks, and any of my female readers may actually gain something in terms of learning how to make this less painful (or, for that matter, more painful if that is your personal bent, as I currently believe most women are inclined).
In the interest of not being totally bitter and dark I will start off with discussing the timing of being rejected. There are bad times and slightly less bad times to be rejected. I would say a week before Christmas is among the worst times to be rejected. Same with your birthday, 4th of July, or any other weekend that promises to be particularly fun. Tends to be a bit of a downer.
On the other hand, getting dumped right before Thanksgiving is not bad, as you can freely drown your sorrows in the food coma you were going to fall into anyway. Also, being surrounded by friends and family who wish you well is a nice salve for the burn (if, however, you don’t have any friends or family you might as well move to your Unabomber-style shack now).
The worst time, however, to be rejected is right before Valentines Day. No woman will willingly go into V-Day single, so if she dumps you right before it inevitably means she has someone else on deck, as it were. Also, I have found that the whole greeting card industry “You are a loser if you don’t have someone” message hits home like an acid covered harpoon in your gut when you have been recently dumped.
On the other hand, if you are looking for a slightly less painful time to dump a nerd, the best would be about a week before a big video game release. If you are going to dump a nerd and want to let him down easy, do it just before Cataclysm comes out so he can drown his sorrow by ganking lowbies in Stranglethorn Vale (WOW image courtesy of the WOW t shirts category).
It has been my experience, however, that the vast majority of women have little to no interest in making this easier for the guy. If I were a cynical person I would have to say that most of them are solely motivated to end it as quickly and conveniently as possible for themselves with no regard for the damage done as they pull the rip cord. Good thing I’m not cynical.
Incidentally, I am really not normally as bitter as I sound right now. However, I think the bitterness makes this post funnier. I love gallows humor.
Anyway, just a few words on timing a rejection. Tomorrow a list of things to NOT do when you are dumped.
The question posed in the last post, Maxwell Smart versus Austin Powers, is actually quite the conundrum. Austin Powers regularly killed more guys than Maxwell Smart and had a great nemesis in Dr. Evil. On the other hand, Smart worked for an organization with a much cooler name (CONTROL), fought a cooler sounding enemy (KAOS), and had the painfully hot 99 helping him. I think I am going to bet on Maxwell Smart, if only because Austin Powers had no trouble getting women and at the moment guys like that annoy the bejeesus out of me. I guess I’d like to see him eat a bullet right now. Not that I’m bitter.
For today, I am going to go mix genres. Who would win, Buffy the Vampire Slayer versus Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter?
Nerd Dating: Making “the Move” part 1
As I have been hinting, I actually have had something lined up for a big finish towards the end of the year, and now I am going to start. This is the goal we have been working towards and dream of achieving.
Now, before we get into it, as always I have to make a proper introduction and qualify my terms lest certain of my friends rip organs I am fond of off my body. Like I said at the beginning of this whole dating thing my goal is not to teach you how to simply get laid. The fact is, I have never been very good at the whole “one night stand” pick up thing. We are trying to get you a girlfriend. Trust me when I say this is more than enough for most of you. If you want to know how to pick up a different girl every night look for other blogs. Personally I think if you are still reading this you really don’t have the skills, looks, or alcohol tolerance to pull that off anyway.
So basically we are talking about going in for the first kiss/makeout session. I don’t think I will try to talk you past 2nd or 3rd base unless there is a serious demand. I am not creating that kind of blog. I am sure you should be able to find some kind of site that has material of an adult nature SOMEWHERE on the web that can help you (although most women don’t really do what porn girls do, so look for something a little more instructive that outright porn).
First kiss is important, if only because it helps you define your desires and intentions to her. It says “I am here to be your boyfriend, not your friend.” Girls in general are shockingly insecure, and if you don’t go for the kiss they tend to think that there is something wrong with them or you or both. If you wait too long you WILL get a “Let’s be friends speech.” If you go in too early you will (most likely) creep her out and she will bail.
The good guideline should be sometime between the 3rd and 5th date. Kissing can occur on the 1st or 2nd date, but in that case it should be her who initiates the action, not you. If you go five full dates with no kiss, lose her number. It isn’t worth your time and/or money to keep pursuing it, as she will reject you.
The thing to remember about dating is it’s not like a marathon where if you just keep moving your feet you will eventually get to the finish line. It is more like a full 40 man raid attempt on a World of Warcraft boss. Every attempt requires everyone doing all things perfectly, and all you need is one mis-key, bad placement, or minor mistake to wipe the whole raid and force you to restart completely. Even if everyone does everything perfectly you can still have all kinds of bad RNG mess you up. This is the kill shot, and the timing on this has to be good. If not, run back from the graveyard and line up another shot on the next girl. (Classically Trained Raider image courtesy of the World of Warcraft t-shirt category).
By the way, my friend Dave and I have been doing the “Who would win” game via text lately and it’s really fun, so I think from now on I will end each post with one for you. I will report my personal answer plus anyone who wants to comment on the next post. Here is the first:
Who would win, Skynet from Terminator vs the Justice League of America without Superman?
Video Game Review: Starcraft 2
Time to take a break from the dating and get onto other nerd topics. I figure the star/black hole rating system I developed for movies could readily be applied to music, tv shows, and video games, so I am going to play with it as well. This will be for the video game Starcraft 2, Wings of Liberty.
I think it fair to say I have a certain amount of history with Blizzard (see about five years of my life flushed down the WOW drain. I still think the game is great, but I have given them a lot of my time and money) and a lot of it negative. I was not going to play this game, but then the faction shirts from the video game t shirt category started blowing up and becoming the best selling shirts, so I figured I had better see what all the fuss was about.
For those of you living in a cave and not familiar with the national sport of South Korea, Starcraft is a RTS (Real Time Strategy) game that involves collecting mineral and gas resources, using them to create troops, buildings, and vehicles, and then attack your opponent who will be doing the same thing on the other side of the map. In PvP (player versus player) you can play one of three factions, the Terrans (basic humans with cool power armor), the Protoss (high tech space elves with backwards legs and almost no facial features), and the Zerg (biological nightmares blatantly stolen from the Tyranids of 40K mashed up with Alien). Each faction plays differently and more or less requires a different style of play. Also, the Zerg are responsible for the gaming phrase “zerging it”; in other words, rushing in as fast as possible in hopes the boss drops dead before he wipes the party to the sound of Vent recriminations.
Anyway, I played the original SC a lot and enjoyed it, so despite my annoyance at giving Blizz more of my money I was happy to be playing it again. Let’s get into the review process. Stars first.
The game is still a lot of fun. I quite enjoy RTS’s and this one has all the best elements of one. Three stars. The campaign story is actually pretty cool, with choices you can make to directly influence your future actions. One star. Each of the three factions is a different style of play and fairly interesting. One star. The map scrolls with admirable speed and game play is bug free. One star. Resources are limited and require careful choices of where to direct it. You never end up with a huge surplus of resources (the Dune II issue). One star. The maps are cool, complex, and incredibly varied. One star. The between mission interface is relatively seemless, and the NPC characters are pretty cool (especially Tychus Findley). One star. If there is one thing Blizzard does extremely well it’s multi player over the web, and this game is no exception. Two stars. The graphics are extremely good, if a little cartoony. One star. When you get a mission that requires you to keep a specific NPC alive they don’t deliver said NPC in a short bus and equip him with tissue paper armor, Nerf gun, and the inclination to run straight into certain death. One star. In fact, the missions were varied, complex, and hardly ever infuriating. Two stars. The game controls and UI (user interface) are simple and extremely intuitive. One star. The AI, while not the super-genius monster the long load times would imply is coming, is smart enough to make for a challenging, complex battle. One star.
Now the black holes. The game is created by Blizzard. One black hole for personal bias. They took 12 freaking years to develop it. One BH. The game, when set on a decent graphics level, takes about 10 hours to load one mission. Two BHs. If you fail a mission and have to go to an earlier autosave it STILL takes 10 hours to load. One BH. The between game interface, while cool and entertaining, also takes about 5 hours to load. One BH. Since they aren’t getting a monthly subscription from us Blizzard has opted to screw us by only giving us one race campaign in the game, requiring us to pay $50 for the Protoss experience and AGAIN for the Zerg one. One BH. They don’t tell you what the achievements are until AFTER the mission is done, requiring you to go back at least a couple times. One BH. The mini map still tends to send your troops straight in exactly the direction that will get them killed ASAP instead of somewhere useful. One BH. You still find yourself micromanaging pretty much everything and end up with three SCV’s scratching themselves on the ass end of the map while you are distracted by other stuff. One BH.
That’s 17 stars and 10 black holes, for a net of 7 stars, and extremely good score for me. If you played Starcraft 1 this will feel like taking an old, extremely well fitting shoe and giving it booster rockets. If you didn’t but are familiar with RTS games you will pick it up with relative ease and enjoy it. If your RTS experience is limited to playing Angry Birds on your iPhone prepare for a fairly long, painful learning curve.
That’s it. Dating advice tomorrow.
Nerd Dating: Casual Dating
I was going to review a couple movies I saw recently, but had something happen last night that got me thinking about this subject and I think it will write about it.
First of all, I am not talking about casual sex, but rather keeping it casual on the date. Here is the situation:
I had an urge to get out of my office for the first time in about a year and see a movie. I decided on Skyline because it looks interesting and I can review it for another blog post. I called a couple of friends to see if they want to come along but in a bizarre twist everyone had something to do. What is up with that? Doesn’t everyone spend Friday night photographing t-shirts, playing Starcraft 2, and writing product descriptions? What is this thing called a life and where does one procure one?
(Starcraft 2 Terran logo image courtesy of the video game t shirt category)
Anyway, I did not want to go alone, so on a lark I went to the holy land of all things weird and sleazy in the dating world, Craigslist (that’s a little unfair. I have met some great girls on CL. However, for every cool girl I meet I end up dating about 14 psychopaths, so I tend to tread lightly). I posted something like this:
“I’m bored and am going to go to see Skyline at 10:20. If you are so inclined and want to do something totally casual send me an email and we can meet up at the box office. Here is a pic so you can recognize me, although odds are I won’t even shave so don’t put a lot of effort into getting ready. Please send one and we can set this up.”
Extremely casual, and I got two quick responses, both really attractive. I went to the movies with one of the girls. We met out front, chatted a little in the theater, and enjoyed the movie. The whole thing was totally relaxed and surprisingly fun. Neither one of us really had any major expectations and it worked out great. At the end of the movie I walked her to her car. I sent her a thank you email and today she responded with her phone number and an invitation to call her again. Kind of cool.
I can say this is actually really fun and even if the girl is not a good match, really good practice for your rap with girls in general. The three secrets to being good at anything are practice, practice, practice. And who knows? This thing with the girl from last night could take off and even if it didn’t, at least I didn’t have to go to the movies solo. All around good thing.
Interview with Special F/X guru Shane Saucedo Part 2
Today we continue with my interview with Shane Saucedo from Hellbent Studios.
Dave: Do you feel you can handle pretty much any special effect you might be called upon to perform, or are there things you would have to farm out to a different studio? Like, for example, if I wanted a scene where 18 walking people’s heads all exploded simultaneously while the villain is throwing Molotov cocktails and burning doves off a bridge, could you pull it off?
Shane: Most definitely! LOL!!! That’s right up the studios alley. I think the only thing I would farm out would be huge pyro work like in the movie Demolition Man, when they blew up the building and then it collapsed. I don’t know anything about imploding a building.
(8 bit Molotov cocktail image courtesy of the video game t shirt category)
Dave: Maybe one day. I’d love to blow up a building. What changes have you seen over the last years in physical special effects techniques? Is there a newsletter or special effects site you check to see what the newest innovations are?
Shane: I would say the only changes I have seen would be the overuse of digital effects. It is understandable, it seems like a lot of new directors just want to pass it of to the CGI studios and then cut it together. I have no clue of a newsletter or a site. Lemme know you know of one.
Dave: What are your thoughts on CGI verses physical special effects?
Shane: I like both and feel the both have their place. Very few can balance the two and use them to enhance each other. When they pull that off it is truly art.
Dave: Are there specific situations where physical effects can actually generate a better look than CGI?
Shane: I would have to say time, budget and crew skill have the most factor in quality. You rarely have the time needed or budget and so you have to do the best you can.
Dave: Do you see CGI affecting your business?
Shane: Yeah, but I think its okay. Sometimes its cost prohibitive to pull an effect off, or it’s a question of safety. Again I think visual and practical should work hand in hand to provide the best product possible.
Dave: Is the use or overuse of CGI specific to larger studios than smaller studios or vice versa?
Shane: I have seen the smaller productions doing a lot of CGI, almost to much. A lot of it has to do with certain skill levels available to the filmmaker. Myself, I have a cinematographer, editor, and director a phone call away. So when we go to make a film on a budget, if its cheaper I would most definitely would call a CGI guy in and hopefully be able to increase production value for a better price.
(conclusion tomorrow)
Nerd dating advice: to dance or not to dance Pt 2
Now, in an attempt to prove that the world is as surreal as possible, I will give you some basic instructions on how to dance.
As usual, I will start with the negative and end with the positive. Here is a list of dancing do-not-do’s:
First of all, imagine a horizontal line at your collar bone that extends in all directions. This is the gay line. Under no circumstances while on the dance floor can your hands extend above that line, or you will spill whatever reservoir of machismo you have built up during the evening on the floor like a broken water balloon (by the way, I have no issue with gay guys, and have often thought how much easier my life would be if I were gay (smarter friends, more successful, better dresser. It’s just the sex with men part I can’t get past), but this post is to help straight men date straight women so I have to keep things in order).
Secondly, never dance with a drink in your hand. Girls can do it and get away with it. Guys in general (and odds are you in particular) need their full attention while dancing. Also, drinking your drink while dancing will break that line I talked about last paragraph. So leave your drink on the table, even if your date brings hers along (incidentally, you might notice that some women are very hesitant to leave drinks unattended or with guys they don’t know particularly well. I guess it might be fear of Roofies, which is a legitimate concern. If there are any women reading this, Roofies mixed with alcohol produces a bitter taste, and the newer ones have a blue dye in it that will turn light drinks blue).
(poison mushroom image courtesy of the video game t shirt category)
Thirdly, never dance in a circle. You will look like an idiot. Also, don’t move around the floor a lot. Walk to your spot and just dance there. You don’t have the skill to actually walk and dance at the same time. Again, remember that focus.
I’m actually having a lot of fun working on this list, so I think I will continue on tomorrows post. That will give me time to think of other bad dance moves I have seen or done.
Breathe Some Fire into Your Gift Selection
Every year when my younger cousin’s birthday rolls around, I struggle to figure out what to get him. It’s not that I’m not familiar with his interests – to the contrary, I know all about his hobbies. He’s the prototypical geek, although I mean that in the nicest sense possible. He spends hours at a time online playing World of Warcraft, and I’ve also overheard him talking about getting together with friends to play Dungeons and Dragons.
For three years in a row I got him expanded editions of the Lord of the Rings on DVD, but lately it’s been tough to come up with a new angle. Luckily I happened upon a site that specializes in nerd t shirts. Purchasing something marketed specifically to “nerds” may sound counterintuitive, but I know he’ll love the Dragon’s Lair t shirt I got him.
The WoW Legacy
When World of Warcraft was released, it was a game requiring a high amount of skill and commitment to progress to the upper echelons of dungeon and raid content. The casual player who didn’t even own a WOW t-shirts (from our video game t shirt category) had no place in high end raiding, even in the first raid dungeon of Molten Core. The Burning Crusade continued this trend to a lesser degree, and still made it difficult for most guilds and players to progress to a higher level of play. This all changed with Wrath of the Lich King that feels a lot like the Coke Zero of what WoW used to be. No longer are there barriers from casual players enjoying all the content in the game. There is little to no commitment involved in the whole game, as the needs for farming, raid preparation, and even research have been dumbed down to a severe degree.
WoW, which was once like Frodo journeying to conquer the Dark Lord Sauron that was Everquest, is now like Frodo had he been consumed by the greed of the One Ring. MMORPGs that have been made in recent years can’t stand up to WoW both in scope and design. Blizzard simply has too much money. It is now greed that drives them to continue to release content for an MMORPG that has been discarded by the original players who worked so hard to conquer it. Blizzard may have gained more casual players with the release of WOTLK, but in doing so they’ve also lost some of those hardcore players who made the game famous.
A Guide to Nerd Guys Meeting and Dating Women: How to buy this stuff.
Ok I know I promised to get into where to meet women, but I realized I skipped over this very important step in the self improvement process; now that I know what to wear, where do I go to find it?
Naturally, I am inclined to hope you find everything you need at my site such as this very cool Yeti Kong t shirt from the video game t shirt section, but I know that as much as I would like to cater to your needs, this is one area where you are going to have to go elsewhere.
First of all, as much as a fan of online shopping as I am, you are going to have to actually go to a store and (horrors!) shop. You must try everything on to make sure it fits, and really should be looking for outfits rather than items. You can’t do that on a web site (of course, if you are looking for a specific t-shirt, you can’t go wrong with a quality web site such as mine). In other words, you have to get out of the house.
I will, for simplicities sake, recommend a major moderately high end department store such as Macy’s or Bloomingdale’s. They will have more or less everything you could possibly need in a wide range of sizes. I also have a great appreciation of their excellent customer service. Stay away from low end stuff (anything that ends in -Mart) and the really high end (Neiman Marcus, etc) as they will ruin your wallet fast and seem to have an attitude of better-than-thou that always intimidates me into never wanting to even talk to the employees. A smaller boutique is OK, but stay away from stores that cater to a specific demographic (surf and skate stores, motorcycle shops, Hot Topic, etc) as you will find it easy to get pulled off target, if you know what I mean. Spend too long in a skate shop and you will forget about looking good and come to the conclusion that the way to get laid is to try to look like Bam Margera. Trust me, looking like a poser in any way will get you nowhere.
The other important thing about shopping is you have to bring a shopping partner. If you are not inclined to shop, you will very quickly become bored and buy the first three things you see without trying on anything. DO NOT BRING ONE OF YOUR NERD FRIENDS! This will end with the two of you getting bored and cutting out to the nearest comic book store and getting into an argument about how the Thing goes to the bathroom. You need to bring a woman to help you shop (or a gay man). She should be both hot and fashionable. I am sure at some point in the recent past you have gotten a “let’s be friend’s” speech from some girl who thinks she is way too good for you. Time to cash that chip in. Besides, girls love make overs for guys. They like to think of you as a dress up doll and then tell all their friends how they turned you around. Trust me on this. Use the line “Hey, ‘friend’, I really need to improve my wardrobe and look, but I don’t know what I am doing. Can you go shopping with me and help me out” and she will commit an unprecedented amount of time to you.
This shopping buddy will (hopefully) keep you interested and on focus, as well as giving critical feedback and advice. You will find that all the effort you have put towards computers, video games, comic books, and other cool things women have spent on clothing. While this can make them seem a little lame, it also makes them (in general) freakishly good at picking clothes and outfits. Since she will want to claim credit for your life turnaround she will kill herself to find the right stuff.
If, for whatever reason, you are incapable of finding a shopping buddy (living in a shack in the woods, possess abominable halitosis, just that awkward, etc) you can take advantage of the personal shopper program all these stores have in place. I had a girl help me out at Bloomingdale’s a couple years ago and she was phenomenally good. They are generally experts in clothes, and usually pretty hot, so it can be a lot of fun. The one thing I would say is know when to say no. They are always really good at finding “one more thing” that you apparently need to make the outfit perfect. Other than that, they are great and most store offer their services free of charge. Just call the store and ask for the personal shopper service to make an appointment.
That’s pretty much it. Set a budget and try to stay into it, but otherwise spend as much as you can. You will appreciate it immensely.
By the way, after messing up from the last post I am not going to give previews anymore. Just count on me to come up with something relevant each day.