Single, Lonely, and Miserable again this Christmas? Here are some things that help me deal with it.
Astute readers may have perceived that I have been really focused on the movie blogs and have kind of let the dating advice fall by the wayside. This is mainly due to the fact that I haven’t really had the time or money to date, and when I do I seem to fail horribly at it. Thus, I am having a hard time believing in myself enough to give qualified advice.
However, being single and miserable is something I am a Jedi Master at, so here are a few things that might help you get through yet another bleak Christmas of staring morosely at the mistletoe again.
1. Binge drinking. Yes, nothing helps you forget your loneliness and despondence like the the sweet kiss of alcohol poisoning. Go for the gusto this year. Blind, stinking drunk. New Years Eve is the obvious candidate for this, but let’s not forget that Christmas Eve party! Also, getting smash drunk at the local pub may actually help cure your loneliness, while injecting some new and exciting situations into your life. On the other hand, if you are of a melodramatic persuasion and want to make a poignant statement, drink alone on Xmas day in hopes that one of your happier friends will call you to wish a Merry Christmas and you can bum them out a little. (Drinking shirt image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirts category)
2. Video games. This is a old nerd fallback, but it works for a reason. Take some of your misery and frustration out on anonymous losers from around the world. In my mind the guy I just dropped a sticky bomb onto is always a happy, successful man on his way home to his loving wife and kids, only to get caught up in my murderous rampage. Of course, odds are anyone else playing video games on Xmas day is also a single nerd loser, but a man can dream.
3. Buy yourself stuff. Yes, it’s people, not things, that are important in life. However, if you don’t have people then a certain amount of satisfaction can be had from things. Try to find out how much your married coworker spent on his kids toys and spend that same amount on toys for yourself. Then, when you get back to work and he or she is groaning about their credit card bills you can whip out your brand new iPad 2 and show them how a player plays.
4. Create a Holiday card designed to make your married friends miserable. You know those jackasses who insist on sending you a picture of their entire lovely stupid family in front of their Christmas tree? Get a picture of yourself doing something super cool only a single person could do and send that out. Surfing in Bali. Skiing in Vail. Binge drinking in the local bar. Playing video games. Enjoying some new toys. Every married person may or may not be happy with their lovely family, but there is always a big part of them that misses the freedom to just bail out of town on a weekend and visit the Santa Cruz Mystery Spot. And if you didn’t take a fabulous vacation this year and are more the type to sit on your couch all weekend then get good at Photoshop.
5. Peruse some online dating sites. Yes, nothing says single miserable loser like someone sending notes to people on Plenty of Fish on Christmas day. However, remember that if someone else is also on POF to make that observation then that person is more or less in the same boat. Could it be you have found your soul mate? Also, if nothing else I have found just skimming through personals is nice way to kill time without really using your frontal lobe.
6. Try to milk the mistletoe cow. Get one of those hats that has a stick pointing out the front and some mistletoe hanging off it. Either that or go to a Christmas party with a sack full of the stuff and carpet the ceiling. Its got to work at some point, right?
7. Work. If you are going to be miserably anyway, why not use this time to your benefit? Add up all your receipts for the year. Clean your apartment. Get a head start on the next report you need to do for the boss. Add more shirts to your struggling t-shirt website. Then, when you get back to the office and everyone else is talking about how happy their dumb kids were with whatever junk they got, you can drop something super cool onto your boss’s desk and convince him or her that you are exactly the lifeless, dedicated loser he or she needs in charge of something.
8. Hang out with your other single friends. Misery loves company.
9. Try to guilt your married friends to set you up on blind dates. This sort of thing seems to hit home with your married friends harder now than ever before. They are perfectly content to watch you be a lone wolf during, say, April, but the prospect of a friend of theirs single in December galls them. The weird thing for me is something like 50% of adults are single these days, yet none of my paired friends seem to know any. How does that work, exactly?
10. Tell all your married friends that being married is a lifestyle, not a requirement. Yes, trying to convince people that they would be happier single will actually make you feel better about being single. It is a weird phenomenon.
11. Spend a day remembering all the miserable, bad relationships you’ve had in your life. Contrast is the secret to happiness. If you are starting to feel the single blues, just think back to the boyfriend who kept borrowing money from you while cheating, or the girlfriend who hit you in the head with a travel alarm clock. If you have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend then rent Fatal Attraction, Love Stinks, and Sid and Nancy. Also go back and read some of my dating advice posts.
12. Write a bitter, sarcastic blog about it.
That’s pretty much it for today. Thanks for reading. Movie tonight, so a review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
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